I think I understand....what a schizophrenic feels like...

This morning I woke up and what an inner battle went on between one part which really wanted to go to the chanting for Yogi Bhajan who is the teacher of the Kundalini yoga I am doing and which I am getting such a lot from and the other which was deafening me in its protestations about how going was so not a good idea. Ironically that part which wanted to go had me awake very early, helped by the crashing of bottles into the bottle bank in the early hours. I can feel this inner battle so keenly, it is between the identity or that which wants to keep us small and the possibililty of our soul that wants desperately for our consciousness to shift to have the experience of what is possible. I know this and have first hand experience and so you would imagine that I wouldn't be experiencing any resistance that I would have it all sorted.....well nothing could be further from the truth which is why me being on this spiritual path feels at times like the Divine's idea of a joke. I feel like I am the least committed of everyone and yet something always draws me. I dithered for ages this morning before finally making it out the door.



When I got to the park I saw a couple of people with guitars and knew that I was in the right place. I wondered over and to my delight one of the people was the teacher who covered for the main teacher when she was away. I really like this teacher, she doesn't have a special name and she's so humble with a powerful energy that isn't forced. It is this I picked up on the very first time I went when I was so apprehensive about working intentionally with this energy but she was great. We talked a little and she said that she knew from how I was in that first class that there was something I wasn't saying. This surprised me because I thought I had covered it up well. Some more people arrived including the main teacher and after scripts of chants were distributed out the main teacher explained the purpose of the event. It turns out that it wasn't the anniversary of the death of Yogi Bajan which I thought it was, it was the anniversary of his birthday. He is not that long dead - 2004. The main teacher told the story of how Yogi Bhajan had a vision from Ram Dass about taking Kundalini yoga to the west. And how Ram Dass then became Yogi Bajan's spiritual teacher, not in body but in spirit.



I was surprised by this story because when I was in India a few years ago I visited an Indian bookshop and bought some books which I had shipped over. Among them was a little book called 'Ram Dass' . I had bought it because I thought it was about the Ram Dass that is living today who was called Michael Alperton and I had followed his journey with great interest. He started out as a sceptic and ended up following the actions of a guru in India being given the name Ram Dass and he is now a worldwide teacher. Unfortunately he had a stroke so doesn't lecture as often as he did in the past. When I realised from reading the book that it wasn't the Ram Dass I thought it was I forgot about it. Now I understand who the book is about. These synchronicities happen a lot for me and I never know what to do with them. What is the message I am to take from this synchronicity or is there any message? Am I making it mean something, giving a meaning to something that ultimately has no meaning.....

After I came home I was so restless. I can really feel the effects of working with this energy. I get moments of incredible peace, bliss, joy and then I get so restless....am sure that everything will work itself out...in time....

I did my Kundalini yoga class......as an act of gratitude

I made every move I did in the Kundalini yoga class this evening a move of gratitude for this energy and for what it is making possible for me. I returned from Ireland having taken responsibility for the first time in my life. I am incredibly lucky to still have both parents alive and I am so grateful for this. My dad is elderly and requires constant care. My mum has been looking after him for almost three years without a break. Deep down I knew that I should be the one to give my mum the break but immediately came the thought 'you can't do it', you wouldn't be able to cope'. Going home this time it was all so different. Having distinguished that it was just my inner saboteur running the story about not being able to do it, I knew without any doubt that I could do it. I could take the responsibility and it would be alright. I went home and my mum had her first break away in almost three years. It is difficult to describe how great it was to have a purpose for going home. A man once said 'when you put your ass on the line for something, you become someone' and I really experienced the truth of that when I was at home this time. Seeing my mum so happy going off and coming back was so special to me and for me to have made it possible for her to have the break really meant a lot to me. So I have such a lot to be grateful for....

At the end of the class the teacher invited us all to a morning of celebration of the death of the teacher Yogi Bajan who died 10 years ago tomorrow. It will be a morning of chanting in a park...I'll see what my own inner teacher says to me tomorrow about going....when I wake up!

I had an interview today......for a job I had been doing..

Once again, my sincere thanks to that kind person who sent me the advert for the job vacancy at the company where I used to work. More out of curiosity than desire I sent off my CV and was delighted at the response I got back. My application was accepted and my interview was today. Between my application being accepted and today I have had a lot of time to think about my way of being just before I left and how I am now. Having my book published happened so quickly and I couldn't shake off the feeling that I had to show some courage in gratitude for what the universe had provided me with i.e. the material for the book and for this blog. The gap between what I had been doing and where I thought my book was taking me became too great and so I made the choice I did to leave. I did request a leave of absence to get the journalism qualification. This was denied because it was no longer company policy.

I feel sure that if I was to be successful in getting this temporary vacancy that it would be different. Until shortly before I had my book published I had been happy there. I have always liked the people and that made the job. They were always so kind and helpful and without a lot of back stabbing which is unusual. What I was able to see from taking a break to do the journalism training was what a nun had said to me when she gave me back the results of an IQ test and how they had been the filter for how everything new occured for me. She said that I would never be able to understand anything that was said to me and for that reason the only job I would be able to do would be taking cans of beans on and off conveyor belts! (ridiculous when you think of it now but when I was 16 it had a devastating effect on me). I had completely forgotten it until I struggled with the shorthand as part of my journalism training which forced me to look in more detail because I knew I wasn't stupid yet I couldn't see the fundamental principle of shorthand and then I saw what was happening so clearly. Up to then most things I approached I had a defeatest attitude about. What was going on beneath my consciousness and sabotaging my ability to be confident and in control was an undistinguished inner dialogue that was about 'not even bothering because I won't understand anyway'.

Now that I have distinguished this, it no longer has any power over me and it is this that will make all the difference if I am offered the position. If I'm not successful then it wasn't meant to be and I can accept that outcome also. This is the only way to be happy in life- to accept what is because that is the way it is, wanting it be different is the prime cause of unhappiness. By acceptance I don't mean resignation. There is a world of difference between acceptance of the way things are and resignation about the way things are.

I felt that the interview went well. Early on in the interview something kicked in when I was asked a question and I just flowed with examples of similar events and really enjoyed the whole process. The inner dialogue about not 'understanding' wasn't there anymore and my words flowed with freedom and ease. Even if I don't get it I know that I can do a good interview. That inner dialogue about not understanding was gone and in its place is a sharpness and a focus. I left that job when I felt that it was the right thing to do. If I am successful it is because it is now the right time for me to grow in that position in the organisation. If I am not successful then I will grow somewhere else....either way I will grow...

This insight into how as human beings the pattern is for us to take what people say and make it mean something which results in a decision, which from then on runs our life and to disrupt this is why my drive to be a powerful leader for children and young people is so strong. I don't want any young person to be run by an unconscious undistinguished dialogue. Awareness is power, the more aware the young person is of this process which is fundamental to human being the more power they will have because they will have a choice about how they interpret the things that will happen to them. A teacher dying or a relative dying will not be interpreted as life is tough, life is hard if that young person understands that people die. It doesn't mean that life is tough or life is hard, it just means people die. If the process of attributing meaning to what happens in life is interrupted then the consciousness flows freely and doesn't get stuck. The moment an interpretation is put on an experience and a decision made about the experience the consciousness becomes stuck at that point. And life becomes the expression of that decision. In this case the young person who decides that a teacher dying means that life is tough will draw to him/her events which make for a tough life. We create the lives we have by what we have decided events in our early years have meant. I am aware that this is a bold assertion of mine but that is all it is - an assertion, not the truth. If it resonates.....ponder on it ....if it doesn't...move on...

On being….second generation Irish

The idea for this blog entry came from an idea given to me by a friend of my parents. I have declared this blog to be a record of what I am daring to call a process of transformation, a spiritual transformation so what I write is within this context. I was born in London to Irish parents. Every summer we went to Ireland for the holidays and then come the end of August we returned to London for another year. When I was 11 the death of my grandmother on my father's side, provided the spur for my parents to sell up and move permanently to Ireland. My memory of this move is that it happened very quickly in terms of preparation. I never remember feeling any confusion around my identity in terms of how I saw myself when we returned to Ireland for our summer holidays. In my head I was Irish and didn't have any reason to doubt that. My blood was Irish, place of birth was of no significance.

But when we came to live in Ireland I understood very quickly that I was not the same as the other Irish girls. No baby is born with an identity, it is something that develops in line with the plan for human being. It begins the moment the baby is given a name, this is the first act of separation and the beginning of the formation of the identity. From then on the baby is called a name which is his/hers and on this the structure of identity is built. The purpose of the identity is to hide that out of which identity arises. Then comes certain pivotal points in the child's life where something will happen and the identity will make a decision about what it means and adopts a strategy to survive. These 'strategies' form the basis of what we call a childs personality.

For me my identity really kicked in when I started in an Irish catholic boarding school. As I said I had not doubt that I was Irish but I was shunned by all of the Irish girls, it was an English girl who befriended me in my first lonely year. My identity quickly realised that I didn't belong and I wasn't enough as I was to surive so it had to adopt a strategy very quickly to survive, that strategy was generosity. I would survive because I would buy friends, this was mostly with food so my things, so I was the one who always gave everything away. My identity decided that to survive I had to be generous. I remember how good it felt to be generous but what I see now is the the feeling good was me confirming to myself that I belonged and was accepted as Irish like everyone else.

About a year ago I met another woman who was also second generation Irish and whose parents had also returned to live in Ireland when she was the same age as me. She told me that when she had the realization that she didn't belong that she decided to survive that she had to be more clever than the others. This is how the identity operates, is purely random if the strategy decided on limits or empowers, this is open for debate. I assert that whatever the strategy decided on, it is flawed because it has been put in place to given up a weakness and in that way can never be powerful. The fact that I was born in London to Irish parents and returned to Ireland has meant that my identity has never got a firm grip because I have always been confused about my identity - who I really was. Not ever being really sure of where I belonged has meant that I can watch my identity and its antics and know for certain that it is separate to that which it has arisen from.

Years ago I thought about returning to Ireland to live. All my family are there and I was missing out on my neices and nephew growing up. After the initial shock of not belonging and creating the strategy of generosity to survive, I fooled myself into thinking that I was accepted as Irish, did belong and would be seen as Irish if I returned to live there. With this mind-set well established I registered to do a course on leadership in Dublin. I reasoned that it would be a good way of getting to know people in my preparation to move back permenently. A couple of days into the course, I was the room where coffee was being served and I heard someone say 'where's the English girl, I'm going to go for a drive with the American man and she might like to come to see some of the tourist sites'. I heard this and thought 'oh there's someone where who is English'. I turned around to look and at that point I caught her eye and she said 'oh there you are, do you want to come for a drive and I'll show you some tourist sites'. Words can't accurately describe the shock I felt, in that moment I was black in that boarding school with girls who didn't accept that I was Irish. Everything blurred into one and I had the sickening realization that I was never going to be seen and accepted as Irish, it doesn't matter what I do I will never be accepted or belong which is what I yearned for. I was so grateful to have seen this before I gave everything up in England. If I hadn't enrolled for this course I would have returned to Ireland fully expecting to be accepted as Irish and the first time I would be shown that this is not the case, would have been completely devastating for me because I would have given everything up. I suddenly felt such love for the English people because in all the time I proclaimed that I was Irish, it was never pointed out to me that I was English. The rest of the course went by in a blur. Another evening I was in the common room when a few girls came back from the pub. One came up to me and said 'so you want to come back to live in Ireland, see how far you get with an English accent'. Again in that moment I was once again back amongst people who didn't accept me. But maybe she was the mirror for how I didn't accept myself. My whole life up to that point was about my identity inventing strategies to belong. In that moment I saw no matter what strategies my identity created I was never going to be accepted as an Irish person.

I returned to England with such love and gratitude for the people. It was weird though because I went from only talking about Ireland and how Irish I was and how much I loved it to not wanting to talk at all. But this was just a shatted identity. My carefully constructed identity of being Irish had been shattered. It was slayed and what was left was authenticity - me as the child of Irish parents. I love Ireland and the people and now accept that if I was to return to live there that I although I won't be seen as Irish, I may be known as the English girl who came back to live, and I can live quite comfortably with that. The purpose of writing all of this is to not make anyone look or feel bad but to demonstrate a necessary stage in the transformation of human to spiritual - the shattering of the identity or the constructed self. The constructed self which has adopted strategies to surive which are illusory. To get to the spiritual the constructed identity must be deconstructed or shattered. My identity had constructed itself to be something it wasn't and if I was to progress along my self-declared spiritual path it had to be torn down to allow something new to emerge. It is only shock that deconstructs or shatters the identity. It was shock that shattered the identity of Eckhart Tolle when alone in his bedsit he said 'I cannot live with myself, who is 'I' and who is 'myself' - bang, that was it, the shock to the identity was such that he lost consciousness and when he awoke he had made the transformation from human to spiritual - it marks the end of the game called human being and the emergence of that which the identity hid - the spiritual.

My childhood friend is also second generation Irish but unlike me his parents never returned to live in Ireland. His family always kept alive Irish traditions and may have entertained a desire to return to live there but they never did even though like us they always returned there for the summer holidays. He has a level of stability and confidence in who he is that I don't. He is established in his identity and doesn't appear to see anything separate from it. He is frustrated at my quest for that which is beyond identity but which out of identity arises and can't understand why I can't be satisfied with the appearance of things. It is so hard to explain that the fragmentation of my identity is at the source of this quest. I know that there is something beyond identity which the identity hides and it is that that I want to expose in order to make a difference to the race of human being....

Harry's story - 'opening the heart'

I am thrilled to be able to print Harry's story of a Kundalini awakening experience. I received this account a few days ago but wanted to think about it myself before I made it available through this blog. Harry has been with me on the journey with this blog and it has been the posts from Harry which have kept me and this blog going when the temptation to give it up has been strong. So thank you again for that and I also acknowledge you for being your word and typing up a record of your experience. It might encourage others who have similar experiences to put pen to paper who up until now have been afraid to for fear of the reaction of others. But the consciousness is shifting and the sharing of experiences like Harry's is integral to the process.

On reading it I was struck by so many parallels with my own experience - the title of the event that brought about the experience - Opening the heart - my event was was called 'Awakening the heart', the intense emotion, the prior experience of a shaktipat initiation (see comment dated 27 November 2008 from Harry re this). The fear and then the difficulty in re-integrating the experience into the consciousness. What is most important when such experiences happen is to push past the fear that such experiences produce and transform the fear into trust and surrender. Fear is the last defence of the ego. There will be fear with experiences like these, what is necessary is to feel the fear and continue in full faith with trust and surrender.

I had intended the story to be available sooner but have had terrible trouble trying to copy and paste it. In the end I gave up and have re-typed it.

Harry's experience at the 'Opening The Heart' workshop in 1987

'I enrolled on this course about 2 years after doing the main 'Life Training Programme' which at that time was held as a large group training. The 'Opening The Heart' workshop I attended had about 1oo attendees & was held in a large ballroom in the hotel at Liverpool St Station in London and lasted Fri eve, Sat & Sun.

Usually when you sign up for a workshop like this you don't usually expect the course to literally produce the results of the title of the course. In my case the course did achieve exactly what it said on the tin & it 'Opened my heart'.

Strangely I cannot remember much about the details of the course. I had been in quite an emotional state for a week or two prior. Parts of the course have completely disappeared from my conscious memory. But obviously, a lot of the course consisted of getting in touch with your feelings & emotions. I felt nothing but upset during most of these processes, I remember crying when other people were simply getting on with it. I listened to lectures being given by the trainers & just wept.

I became almost distraught at one point & Brad (one of the founder trainers of the Life Training came & sat with me & put his arms around me). I loved Brad, he was (& is) so wise and kind. He was scary too, but only because he seemed able to be able t read your mind. Brad is one of those miracle people, full of mystery & yet so warm and down to earth.

At one point on the second day, Sunday afternoon, we were primed to do a process which would take two - three hours. The process started with a talk for about an hour & then we were to find partners. Somehow I found myself partnered up at the workshop with a beautiful blond lady about 37 years old called Melanie Coe. I had noticed this fantastic looking woman earlier on Saturdsay, but kept my distance & had not spoken to her.

We partnered up & introduced ourselves & stood facing each other. The process was in two parts & we were split into two groups. Half the group stood facing their partner & the other half sat in a circle in the centre of the room. The process started with some music & a kind of commentary given by one of the trainers, I can't remember much else. We just stood for ages looking straight into the eyes of our partner, I remember looking into Mel's eyes and feeling stunned by the beauty in them and her warm, smiling, friendly face. After about 10 minutes of Mel, spontaneously put her arms out and on my shoulders and I started to shaking uncontrollably, she just kept looking into me smiling with her lovely face. Then I had an experience I can only explain as a complete opening of my energy channels. it felt as if I was starting to expand out of my body. I experienced masses of energy just flowing down through my crown and out through my hands and feet and surrounding my entire body. It was literally flowing out as if I had been a hose of huge conduit for energy. I remember my whole face just lit up with a joy I have never experienced and tears were rolling down my cheeks, tears of joy this time though. I could feel something lifting me also, the energy was causing me to start floating off the floor and upwards. To this day I'll swear that it was actually lifting my entire body and not just my consciousness.

I'll never know what Mel though because I started moving away from her and she just stood warmly smiling back at me as though she had expected it. I was walking or as it seemed at the time 'floating' around the hotel ballroom with my arms involuntarily out in front of me and the palms of my hands facing at people. It seemed as though I could literally bath the others with this energy pouring through my hands. I was sure they felt it because I could see people tilting back as I went around the room aiming these huge blasts of, water cannon like energy, from my hands at them and because everyone including the trainers were staring at me. I felt they must have been able to see what was happening because it was so real. It was pure love flowing through me and I could just bathe everyone in it. I felt total love and connection with everyone in that room. I could feel this column of energy about me that was pouring in through my own crown opening and starting to pull me into it. My field of vision seemed to be well about the floor and towards the ceiling, but I could feel this energy pulling my whole body up into a kind of people staring at me were looking up and I was looking down at them. I could not see my physical body standing on the floor (as people describe in near death memories) because I was sure it was up there with me. I remember feeling a slight fear at this point because I felt I could literally be taken up into this light that surrounded me and float off and up through the celing and out into the starts. I know it sounds mad, like a hallucination, but I hadn't taken drugs and never do.

One thing I remember is that I knew it could happen, that I could have left my body that afternoon or even taken my body with me, because it was not solid anymore, it was all energy and I felt I could have gone and never returned from that light that was pulling me gently up if I had chosen to do so. But I knew that I had the control. A part of me wouldn't let go and allow myself to be taken. It was that slight fear that kept me from going fully into the energy. All the room was a shimmering energy also and it all seemed to be behind a mist and had an unreal feeling about it. Obviously I could have been in an altered state of consciousness and probably was but that doesn't explain the way everyone was looking at me near the ceiling. A bit later I heard one of the trainers gently bringing the session to an end and I immediately felt myself floating back down into the room. Everyone still seemed to be looking at me, including the trainers. I felt sure they were afraid I was going to go up through the ceiling and lose me and had brought the process to an end prematurely.

Don't worry I know this sounds like science fiction, like something out of 'The Matrix'. I have often thought about it and wondered if I dreamed the whole thing, but it's not possible, it really happened.

Afterwards I was wiped out and very emotional. I was in no fit state to share and no one encouraged me to either which was unusual because, sharing was part of the process. In fact no-one mentioned anything to me, I just sat in my seat oblivious to most of what was going on after that. I never saw Melanie again either. Somehow the course ended and I got home. It was just bizarre. It took me days to come down off the high that this had produced, but also it was a painful experience re-integrating my consciousness back into a normal reality. I often wished I had go and gone into the light forever at times. My emotions were everywhere. In fact even to this day I live on an emotional rollercoaster. I started to think I must have gone mad and perhaps no-one at the training had noticed anything happen to me. Somehow though I know they did. I just don't think anyone knew what to say or do. I think, somehow Melanie was the trigger or catalyst for me. It must have been something about her openness and warmth that triggered this. Perhaps her sexuality, her natural shaktiness and femininity?

I think because of my earlier Kundalini awakening through Shaktipat I was primed for this to happen. I believe this was a Kundalini experience but it was real and I believe it is in all our destinies to eventually ascend into this light. Maybe if I hadn't had that slight fear and let go I wouldn't be here writing this now. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't. All my life I have felt as if I have had some higher purpose and failed to find it. I'm no saint and if this can happen to me if can happen to anyone. As the saying goes 'ask and you shall find'. That has been key for me. The only thing I have done that is perhaps slightly different to a lot of people and could have brought me through to all of these experiences is my burning curiosity to know 'who am I really?', what is my real purpose and meaning in life, why am I here'.

Thank you for reading this

Additional from Harry 'Finally, I must say also to Melanie Coe if she reads this - I hope you don't mind me sharing this. I did write to Mel in Spain about a year ago. Also Brad Brown & Roy Whitton Founders of 'The Life Training' & The Kairos Foundating & trainers on my 'Opening the Heart' workshop. I hope you don't mind me sharing.

Really short post....no internet access

Am really annoyed and trying not to be which is incredibly inauthentic. I had been assured that I would have internet access when I returned home so I armed myself with my laptop which is an older model and so not the lightest, all my cables because of a badly performing battery and got home. Brought everything out to the amusement of my elderly parents, connected everything and then couldn't believe it when up came as bold as brass 'no signal'....aagh.....if I had the person who had reassured me that I would have access it wouldnt' be polite to write what I would do. This is a very interesting reaction on my part for one who is supposed to be spiritual. I just get to see just how nasty I can get when things don't go my way.

So now I am in a hotel paying a criminal cost to scribe this blog. Seeing this nasty side of me reminds me of when I saw that I have a way of being that says 'push me and I'll kill you'. I remember the dismay I felt when I saw this especially with studying and practicing Mahayana Buddhism for almost 10 years...it wasn't a nice discovery. But this is what 'know thyself' is all about. It's not 'judge thyself', it's just a case of 'oh, so that's there, time running out gotta go......

I'm so excited.....I can't sit still

I've just taken a call from my publisher and I am so excited that the person she went to see at the India High Commission wants to publish my book in both Hindi and Gujerati. I am finding it so hard to get my head around this. I had thought Hindi maybe, but never any other language. This is just beyond anything I ever thought was possible. It is also important to me for another reason and that is that it is proof that I am an authentic writer and this means more to me than anything else. Someone else has read my story and sees in it the potential for it to touch, move and inspire others on the spiritual path and for this I am so so happy. My publisher when I spoke to her seemed stunned, I don't think she can believe it herself. To be recognised as someone who knows what she is speaking about when she writes is all I have ever wanted and especially as a westerner writing about what has been the preserve of the east in a way which the east recognises as honest and authentic. What I have to do now is to watch my ego. I am only a vehicle for the truth of spiritual transformation. This blog is about a process not about me as a person and I must never lose sight of that.

Harry.....where's your story.....once it's out there in print, you have no idea where it will lead, so my request to you is.....JUST WRITE IT!

I emailed the shop today to apologise for my behaviour when I was last in the shop and to re-assert that I would like to be able to give the talk and meditation course and that I will asssume that everything is OK unless I hear to the contrary. Then I went and put up two more posters in a cafe and health food shop. I'm off to Ireland to my family on Wednesday and I'm not sure how good the internet access will be so I was hoping to have all of this wrapped up before I went.

Off now to London for my money seminar which I had included when I reviewed the forum. It's been an amazing seminar in terms of distinguishing who I am that money is. Interestingly, humans are the only species that have money, my flatmates cat doesn't have a cheque book, so it is possible that money is a game made up by humans......absolutely fascinating stuff.....more annon... I must stop grinning, it's going to look very strange on the train...

The permanent kundalini yoga teacher is back....what a difference...

Today I had my first serious kundalini yoga class. Serious in the fact that it was about techniques to really awaken this energy by use of what are called locks and specific meditations and breathing. I am pleased that the woman who was covering had not gone into it so intensely because I would have been very apprehensive. I wasn't wearing my contact lens for the class (I only have sight in one eye, so I only wear one lens) because I find I can connect better to what is going on within when I'm not distracted by things I can see clearly. I find it easier to go within. When the teacher came in all I saw was this figure in white with a turban who looked roughly the same height as the teacher I knew. It was only when she began to speak that I realised that this wasn't the usual yoga teacher. It is strange how the mind gets used to something and I immediately thought 'this teacher's voice is not as gentle and calm as the other one' and in this I immediately saw the judgemental and critical mind. It was so interesting to observe. The mind hates any kind of yoga or meditation because it sees it as a threat to its existence so to sabotage it will create thoughts that create separation and distance, like it was trying to do with me.

The class started and I knew immediately that this was of a different calibre to what I was used to. Some of the exercises were familiar but this teacher spoke a lot about integrating the energy which is my big concern about practices which raise this energy before it is ready. The impact of rising it prematurely is that it often doesn't integrate with the consciousness. I put all of these concerns aside and for the first time surrendered to the exercises with complete trust and faith in the energy to keep me safe. At one point I felt someone come to sit beside me and as the eyes are closed in kundalini yoga I didn't realise it was the teacher until I heard her gently say 'let me show you how to do this exercise'. I opened my eyes and looked into a pair of the bluest kindest eyes I have ever seen. She smiled and I saw her gentleness. She was a westerner also and her dedication to me not over-exerting myself was so moving. As always, I hated being singled out and when she left my inner voice went on a right rant 'see you're hopeless, you can't even do a simple move without the teacher having to come and show you', but I pushed this thought aside and continued with the exercises.

It's so strange that I have tried other forms of yoga and haven't been able to get on with them at all. They all seem to be about looking good in contorted positions. With kundalini yoga I feel like I am connecting with an old friend and I absolutely love the classes. I feel the benefits in the waves of peace, joy, bliss and calm that will sudden and unexpectedly rise up through me when I am walking. After the class I was going to the changing rooms and the teacher was standing just outside. She smiled at me and before I knew it I was telling her all about the experience I had in Devon and how much of a spiritual ego I had built up around it and of how I had been so apprehensive of kundalini yoga for so long. She seemed to know exactly what I was saying and was very supportive. She spoke about the need to have a teacher and not to keep doing it alone. She also told me about other classes she does and also the teacher training that she does. I explained that I was committed to being a leader for children and young people because I feel that puberty and kundalini are in some way related. I didn't know that I knew this until I said it and then spent a couple of moments amazed that it had come out!

She smiled and said that the kundalini she practiced was also working with children but also with the parents of those children for them to be free so they can parent in a new way. I found all of this so interesting and fascinating. I explained that I was going to Ireland on Wednesday and would be missing two classes. She gave me some leaflets about her training and workshops. We said goodbye and I felt like I had finally found someone who understood the journey I had been on and was still practicing on that journey herself. I feel sure that in the future I am going to do much more with kundalini yoga....this is so bizarre given how reticent I have been about it in the past. But this is the spiritual path, it is about being open and not closed. It is about being willing to trust and have courage. Without courage, this path is not possible. It is also about recognising that the spiritual path is about transformation and never to close off any door permanently. I am aware that I have done a 360 degree turn on my feelings about kundalini yoga but that's OK and is part of the path.

Speaking of courage, I was a chicken when it came to going into the shop to confirm exactly where I stand with my talk and course. It was such a beautiful day and I just didn't have the stomach for it. I will phone her today. My intention is to go ahead and I am creating that this is what is going to happen but perhaps the universe has other ideas for me.

This evening was so beautiful and my flatmate who is just great had put lots of music on my ipod so I set off along the beachfront and went for a long walk. On the way back I caught the sunset and its beauty just took my breath away. I don't know what this Presence or energy is but I know that I am very close to it these days.....

I had the loveliest......of surprises today...

Someone who I used to work with is reading this blog and this morning I got a comment which was a link to a vacancy where I used to work to cover maternity cover. This really moved and touched me and I want to say a huge thank you to whoever you are. I will send my CV and see how I get on. The fact that if I should get it that it is temporary is also good. I feel now that I have writing my book out of my system and the nagging feeling that I should have been doing more to promote it all done with, I feel that I could do the work with integrity. I wouldn't feel like I should be somewhere else, doing something else. So once again, thank you to the kind person who sent me the link...I will find out who you are!

On Friday night the Brazilian lady who I used to live with sent me a text inviting me to a poi party on the beach for the full moon. I was delighted because I hadn't spoken to her for a while and had really missed her warmth and friendship. I bounded into my flatmate who was sitting on the sofa and said to her 'how about a beach party'. She was up for it so I sent a text back to say that we would go. We set off walking along the seafront and it was such a magical and calm night with the full moon reflecting on the sea. My consciousness expanded and became one with that full moon. I had to really focus to concentrate on what my flatmate was saying so strong was the connection to that which is not of this world. Poi is the art of fire juggling and before we reached the place for the party the fire brands were visible in the distance. We got closer and saw that men and women were juggling with lighted chains and their skill was just amazing to watch. I have a particular intimacy with fire given the link with kundalini and seeing the way these people controlled it and made it dance in all kinds of shapes was really moving. Sitting there with the full moon and the warmth of the fire it reminded me of the time I spent in India when I visited a city where there is a big statue of Lord Shiva and people lit candles and saw chants. That experience was very mystical and so was this.

I got some good news from my publisher. Unknown to me she had contacted the Indian High Commission and left a copy of my book with someone who is high up in the cultural division. She had forgotten about it and then he called her after reading the book and wants to meet her to translate the book into Hindi. If this comes off then it will be an amazing achievement that someone from India sees value in a book written by a westerner. Most of these books have been written by Swami something or other. That meeting is happening tomorrow. This is the brilliant thing about having a book out there in the world, you never know where it's going to do or where the next email is going to come from and I really love that unpredictability and excitement.

Once again I'm having a problem with trying to confirm this evening talk and the meditation course. I have sent two emails to ask for confirmation that all is OK before I go to Ireland where I'm not sure I'm going to have the internet. I walked into the shop and the first thing that was said to me was 'you are going to have to change your date for the evening talk'. I was so dismayed because I have had all the posters done and gone up around town. I got mad and said 'when were you going to tell me this' the lady looked a bit shamefaced and said that she was going to contact me today....yeah right. I then asked if she had received the pdf poster and she said 'no'. I repeated the email address she had given and she denied that she gave me that email address. Then in a flash I knew what was happening, my initial gut instinct was right, she now doesn't want this evening or meditation course in her shop. Acting on this flash of insight I said to her 'look, if you don't want this event here, then please be straight about it and don't give me the run around like this'. She looked shocked and then got so defensive. She said that it was early morning and that she didn't have time 'for this' and marched out of the shop, banging the door and leaving me on my own.

I was so shocked that I stood there motionless. I left the shop and I had to fight back tears. Why is it so difficult to get this off the ground? I walked around the block to sort out what I wa feeling and then as I was walking I suddenly had the insight 'of course, the shop is predominantly psychic and clashes with my emphasis on being spiritual. She senses this and doesn't want this conflict of energy in her shop. After I got this insight I suddenly felt a great sense of peace and calm. The attack on me wasn't personal. The identity which is every alert perceived what I was going to do in the shop as a real threat and it fought back. But while I know this intellectually, the fact is that I have been promised that room space and have had posters done to promote it. So I do need to really know where I start.

I told my flatmate what happened and she was really sympathetic. She has offered to come into the shop with me and so we might do that today....but I can really feel the resistance to doing it. It wasn't a very nice experience and like any not so positive experiences we are loathe to put ourselves back into that same situation but if I don't then it's going to have power over me and that is not my stand for myself or others.

Something amazing......has happened with my flatmate's cat

My flatmate has a cat and when I moved in she used to scratch herself so badly that she splattered blood on the skirting board in the kitchen. My flatmate brought her to the vet who said that it was an allergy. When I moved in she had a huge bald patch on her head and used to scratch it viciously. Over the time I have been here I have often stroked and patted her. I didn't think anything about it and then just a few days ago I noticed that most of the bald patch had gone and the hair was once again growing normally. I did train as a Reiki healer but never really rated it. This discovery with the cat is a real test for my ego. Did my energy have anything to do with this recovery or would it have happened in the normal course of time. Is the fact that I am now noticing it a sign for me to stand in my own power as a healer whether consciously or unconsciously and own it.

Today was a very strange kind of day. I had an interview with the job centre to claim jobseekers allowance and to be honest I was dreading going. Part of me didn't feel like I was entitled to it even though I have paid my national insurance contributions for almost 30 years. I had already done the first step which was to call up a number and get a claim form processed. This was the interview where I would be given my paying in book and also advice as to how to look for jobs. When I got there I was taken to fill in another form by a really friendly man. I filled that in and then was told that somebody else would call me for interview in a bit. After an hour I was called and interviewed by a very warm and friendly woman. I was impressed by the help and advice that was there. It was also reassuring that each week I have to record the three actions I did to get try to get a job and bring these with me when I come to sign in. Everything was fine until I said that I was going to be away in Ireland for 10 days. Suddenly this was a huge problem as I would not be around should work become available. The woman was really great in the way that she handled it. She explained that the claim that had just been made would now have to be ended and I would have to start a new claim when I return from Ireland aagh. The thought of this filled with complete dread and I shook my head in disbelief. I really hate having to do this and I'm not at all sure that I will start again when I return even though everyone says it is only what I am entitled to.

I came home kind of deflated about the whole thing but also greatly reassured that the horror stories I had heard about the process of signing on was nothing like my experience of it. I couldn't have met more friendly or helpful people. There were a lot of people there who were in the same position as me. But somehow being given some websites and also the help meant that I didn't feel so alone in this game called 'getting a job'. I have downloaded an application form for a similar position to the one I used to do. So tomorrow I am creating that I am going to do the best possible application form. It is part-time which would give me more time to pursue my training to be a leader for children and young people which is going to demand flexibility.

It was a day of highs and lows. After the low of the morning I came home and logged on to get my emails. Among them was an email from the Society of Metaphysicians approving the leaflet they will send out to members on its mailing list to promote my book. It is going to take 500 leaflets which is great. I have been reading the booklet on neometaphysics and was fascinated by the concept of the Absolute which is something I so understand. Something in me wants to learn more from this 91 year old man who is has been a mystic since a young boy. I sense that he has much that I can learn. When I get the leaflets I am going to go down again and leave them but also ask if this man would spare some time to teach me about neometaphysics. I am drawn to it for some reason.

I went for a long walk along the seafront this evening and it was just beautiful, the union of my consciousness with the sea....my words don't do justice to the utter absorption that happens when my consciousness connects with the vast expanse of the sea... I was thinking as I was walking about the turban kundalini yoga teachers wear. It's not just here in this city. I went on the website and looked up a number of sites and the turban is part of the attire for kundalini yoga. Something about this had continued to nag at me. I thought that the purpose of the turban was as a mark of respect to the powerful energy which is being contacted but I just couldn't let it go...there was something more......then this evening walking along the seafront I suddenly got the realisation that it is about heat. It is about not letting the heat escape from the body. I remembered how most of the heat of the body is lost through the head (which is why people wear hats in winter) and the purpose of the turban is to keep the body heated. This realization brought back a memory of a yogi I had been brought to see when I was in Varanasi. He lived deep under the ground and when I went in he was sitting by a huge blazing fire. It was like a furnace in there and I can remember thinking why is he sitting in such heat. But it all came together for me this evening walking by the the seafront. There is something about heat and this energy. What this is exactly....I don't know but I am committed to finding out.....

I am totally fed up of getting emails saying that someone is following me on Twitter. The initial warm fuzzy glow gets well and truly stamped out when I click on the profile and read the biogs - most are for network marketing. How in the world does what I put on Twitter compute with network marketing. In my limited Internet world, it doesn't. I think I have annoyed someone with one of my Tweets. This person wrote how easy it is to 'hurt feelings even when what is said is the truth'. When I read this I couldn't resist and I responded with 'people often confuse opinions and points of view with truth, there is no real truth only what people take to be true based on their opinion and point of view'..ouch....think it really hit because not long after I read a Tweet where someone had given the web address for a specific site where spiritual Tweets could be published!

This is a challenge for me, do I continue putting up my 140 pearls of wisdom on the main site or do I bow to the pressure from the conventional and scurry away to the sacred Tweeters website. I have absolutely no notion of doing the latter. I don't like being uncomfortable which is what I am putting philosophical/spiritual Tweets on a main Twitter site but if one of those Tweets makes a difference to one person who wouldn't go on a 'sacred-Tweeter' website then I am willing to take the chance of pissing off many people to make a difference to one. I have another reason for being so pigheaded about not wanting to move...

I have spoken about the identity and of its vested interest in keeping people asleep. The only way to shift this is to catch the identity unaware. This can be done by a person reading something that he or she was not expecting to read. This unexpected event can shift the consciousnesss so that the grip of the identity becomes less for just a split second but that might be just enough to begin the process of awakening leading to spiritual transformation. The identity is clever and knows that if the person is going to a spiritual website the kind of thing that is going to be there and so it arms itself with opinions about what is going to be there, views on it - all in the name of being spiritual. The spiritual ego is in so many ways much more pervasive and subtle than the materialistic ego. This is why there is a need to be so vigilant following the first mystical/spiritual experience. It is so easy to make such an event mean that the person is special or chosen in some way. It doesn't mean this. All it means is that something has happened which has so engaged the consciousness that the person has become fully absorbed in what is happening. That complete absoption forms a portal for the awakening of normally dormant areas of the brain and marks the start of the emergence of that which is not-mind/identity.

Access to this portal is for me the ultimate goal of human being and marks the shift through to the next kingdom of evolution - the spiritual kingdom. I am clear that this shift is coming. I am intrigued with what is happening with swine flu. I don't know what way it is going to play out come the flu season but I do feel that it is going to play a major part in the next evolutionary shift. The most important thing is not to panic because panic attracts fear which attracts the virus. I was so tempted to say this to a woman I saw at Victoria station who was wearing a mouth mask. I felt like going up to her and saying 'do you understand that your fear about getting this might be the very thing that brings it to you'. But I didn't. Why....I was scared to do so...Steadiness and keeping calm is what is going to win this one. I couldn't believe it when I heard that almost 9 million people went on the Internet to log into the flu website. This is ridiculous and just spreads fear and panic.

This evening I have my kundalini yoga and I am really looking forward to it. I never thought that I would say that because I have been the one that has said that the kundalini energy should not be messed with but I have shifted and now feel an ease and comfort with this energy which I have experienced and now don't fear at all. Unlike other forms of yoga kundalini is done with the eyes closed and the lights down so it is truly a personal experience of the merger of the consciousness and the energy as they become one.....

Have been so busy.....with friends who have come to visit..

I have so much to write that I don't know where to start. Everything is all set up with my evening talk on my book and the six week meditation course on the three stages to spiritual enlightenment in September. The posters have all been done and I have given one to the shop and put another one up in the library. Since the structure of the three stages came through intuitively I have the ease and confidence that comes with being in integrity with who I am and what I want to do. My biggest challenge is having to do it on my own.

A couple of years ago I stumbled across a book by Robert Kiyosaki called 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' and when I read it was inspired by its philosophy. I didn't do anything about it. Then a couple of days ago I got an email that spoke about the 'Rich dad, poor dad' coaching programme which was now being offered. I must have emailed back for more information because out of the blue when I was walking outside I got a phone call from this man in America who is part of this programme. We had a conversation about what it is I could gain by being part of this coaching programme and I had a thought that it would be a good way of marketing my book if I could get a foot into America like this. He told me that not everyone is accepted onto this programme and that there would be two interviews. He asked me if I would be prepared to do another interview. When I said 'yes', he said that he would send me an email that had four questions and that I was to think about them and have answers ready when another guy would call me in one hours time (I agreed this time).

Luckily I was quite close to where I live so got home quickly. I turned on on the internet and sure enough the email was there and contained the four questions which were about goals and challenges. Dead on the hour the phone rang and the man on the other end of the line introduced himself. He asked me what I wanted and I said that it was to share my three stages to enlightenment in a way which is meaningful and moves others. Then to my amazement he said 'the person who most moves me in this field is Eckhart Tolle!.....this was so eerie for me because Eckhart for me is the most authentic teacher in this incredibly crowded field and for him to not only to know him but also to rate him was very powerful.

This American man then went on to say something which really spoke to me. He said 'are you trying to tone down what you have to say so that people will understand'. This set me thinking and I replied 'yes, what is the point of sharing if people don't understand' and then he said 'I don't understand anything that Eckhart says but I know it is the Truth because of how I feel when he speaks'. This really hit me. He advised me not to make any amendments to my stages to make them more easily understood but to be authentic about these stages and not worry if people understand them or not. This has given me a huge amount of freedom around my talk in September and the course. After this he went on to explain what the year-long coaching programme would produce and what commitments were demanded from me in order to have the success at the end. The biggest one as you can imagine was the financial one. When the amount was given I had a sharp intake of breath, it was a lot. I would have been forever paying it off. What's more it was an upfront amount, no programme of installments. And yet, there was also another voice saying 'it's really tough doing it on your own, you have always talked about getting a coach to be an ally in all of this', and then another voice going 'but once you have handed over that money, that's it' and what are you really going to get'. There was this game of thought tennis going on in my head.

I also remembered seeing an article about Robert Kiyosaki and he has a sister who is a Buddhist nun so I don't doubt the authenticity of the coaching programme (I know call me naive!) but there was still some resistance in me. I explained my financial position to the man and said that it would not be in integrity for me to sign up to this programme at this point in time but that I had all the details and would consider it. He to his credit was very gracious and said that I had 'chosen powerfully' and that is all that Robert has asked. He gave me a private number and said to call him at anytime in the future. After the phone call I sat motionless wondering how this all had happened and knew immediately that the real purpose of the call was not for me to join any coaching programme but to have that conversation about not altering one thing of the three stages of enlightenment programme that has come to me, even if there are some aspects to it that I don't understand, it was these I was trying to adapt. Now I know that I give it out just as I have received it without anything added or anything taken away.

So often these days I get filled up with this amazing bliss and contentment. I find it is since I started doing kundalini yoga. I can just be walking and I'll get hit with the most indescribable joy and feel so happy and grateful. On Sunday I was doing the yoga and my inner voice was most vicious with thoughts like 'you're not doing it right, you're useless'. No matter, how I tried to say to myself 'they are just thoughts, products of the mind, they have no power only what I give to them' I felt quite powerless and at one stage stopped the exercise I was doing completely'. At the end of the class I spoke to the woman who is still covering and explained about this. To her credit she listened and then explained that the whole purpose of the yoga was to get to the neutral mind where thoughts are neither positive or negative. She then told me about an exercise to balance the right and left sides of the brain which turned out to be a pranayama or breathing exercise. A few blog entries earlier I had said how surprised I was that there was no pranayama exercises in the kundalini yoga and now here I am being given my own personal exercise! She said to start with 3 mins and build up to 11 mins morning and evening and so this morning found me practicing it. I have no idea what the purpose is but like everything when one commits to this path, it comes down to trust and surrender....there is no map.....

Tonight I am going to my seminar series which I was given when I reviewed the landmark forum. It is on money and I have found the distinctions around money powerful in these times when it is not as abundant as it has been in the past. I realised that while having money makes life easy, it does not bring happiness. If it did, why are so many people with money....so miserable.....