Wednesday, 8 October 2008

It all makes so much

Suddenly the impact of the way I had been being is showing up everywhere. My fear of the consequences of not being in control has been the reason that I have not been playing a bigger game with everything I have experienced. I have often written in this blog about the inner conflict I have always felt between the desire to stay small and not stand out and the push from something deeper to be more than I know I can be. I had put this down to the identity not wanting me to play a big game and in a sense it is. What I realise now though is that the identity (the self that has been constructed from the decisions we made to events that happen to us) used the element of fear in relation to control. Up to now this was hidden from my view.

It was this covert operation by the identity that kept me in my small and limiting world playing only those games where I knew that I would have complete control. It accounts for all of the inaction in my life to date. I see so clearly now that for those requests that were made of me or ideas I had about sharing my experiences on the spiritual path, hidden from my view was the fear 'if you do this you're not going to guarantee to have complete control' and then totally beneath the level of my awareness I wouldn't continue what it was I had started. This explains to me why all through my life I have started so many things that I didn't finish. It had got to the stage that I didn't want to start anything because I knew that 'something' would happen and it wouldn't get finished.

How different now is life. My game to have an event to share my experiences of the spiritual energy that lies dormant at the base of the spine is well on track now. I have a room booked for 6 November in London and people are showing up to be on the team. I have a commitment from the publishers that the book will be ready for this event. For the first time in my life...there is no fear of losing control and when that fear of loss of control goes what is left is freedom and velocity. Since I had this insight life has speeded up so much and instead of being fearful of it I am so excited about the unpredictability of it all. Nearer to the time I will give the details of exactly where the talk is going to be if any reader of this blog would like to come I would be delighted to see you and know that you had come as a result of this blog.

Many years ago when I was researching the phenomenon of the rising energy from the base of the spine (I don't particularly like the label 'Kundalini') but to make description easier I will refer to it as this from here on) I had contact with a woman who had been doing a lot of research into the phenomenon in terms of the trigger factors for the experience, the age range and other fascinating work. I am creating that this woman is going to be at the event putting a research context around the experience. I describe myself as a spiritual scientist. I know that what happened to me affected my brain, the shift of consciousness that characterises this event happens in the brain. I have read accounts of people who have this experience having flashes of past lives and seeing deities and other such forms. I would assert and this is only an assertion I do not know it is the truth but, I would assert that it is the touching of the energy when it rises to awaken usually dormant centres in the brain that results in flashes and visions. The challenge is not to be taken in by them but to watch them like a witness and let them go. When the energy returns to rest in the heart and the heart awakens the brain activity quietens down and then the activity is strongest in the heart.

When I think back to certain posts on this blog and how I have written that I thought I was autistic and was going to pay to have a diagnostic interview when the truth was that my identity had imposed a way of being on my consciousness that was so restrictive and limiting that it caused me to believe that I was autistic. This is just so amazing to me and probably to any reader who has been following this blog since I began to write it. I could feel stupid about those posts now but the truth is that I don't. This blog is an honest account of spiritual transformation as it is happening for me.

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