Am no longer....writing this blog...

For entries to this blog please go to"http://www.whatlieswithin.co.uk" I am going to focus on becoming super brilliant at managing this new website! Apologies to anyone for whom this change inconveniences.

Spirituality is all about.......choice.....

It took everything I had to honour my word and do what I said I would do yesterday. Every fibre of me was screaming to go to bed and not get up for the entire weekend but I know that feelings and thoughts don't produce any results. What produces results is performance and action so I dragged myself out of bed. Forced myself to pack a bag with some kind of clothes because I would be staying with friends for Friday and Saturday night. Dawdled around my room but in spite of all of this blackness I still caught the train that I intended to. Once at my agreement it was picked up immediately that there was something about me that was distant and cut off and the enquiry began. I know that the training I am currently doing to be a bold leader one who listens for and reliably delivers what it is that people care about and what matters to them has nothing to do with being spiritual. So when I tried in my clumsy way to explain how the spiritual Presence which I have grown so used to has now gone it was met with a blank stare. I didn't feel any frustration about this I listened to what was said to me about not dwelling in the past but to create something powerful for the future.

All these were just words for me at this point but I must have put on a good enough show because the attention turned to someone else who was also dealing with something else. I did my agreeement but still couldn't shake the blackness. At the end of the time, a woman who is on the same training course but who I haven't spoken to very much at all came up to me and said 'I can understand exactly where you are at'. I couldn't believe that there was someone who could see' and I just looked at her with eyes wide with surprise and she said yes. And in her lovely soft Welsh accent she explained that as a little girl I had that spiritual consciousness as a gift of grace. I didn't have to ask for it or make a choice about whether or not to have it. It is like a fish swimming in water but doesn't realise the water it is swimming in. With this shift I can now choose powerfully to continue along this spiritual path. I have often written that the spiritual path is solely about choice but the truth was that while I kept my consciousness spiritual I wasn't choosing, I was just hanging onto what I had.

Now...I can choose. I know by choosing it is going to require more generation and creation from me because it is not there naturally anymore. It is only going to be there if I create it. These words of hers said so simply and with such love and joy resonated and I looked at with eyes so full of gratitude. I was also grateful to the universe because in that moment this woman became my teacher. She also explained that the little girl and that spirituality will never fully go. It is that part of me which is going to make it possible for me to move and touch people very deeply but I will also be an adult...steady in everything that is said to me and how everyone is to me. I had never looked at it this way. I had seen the loss of the spirituality I had which I can only compare to being wrapped in an electric blanket as in some way a punishment now I see it as me being asked to consciously choose this path....and I do.....unreservedly.....

What was quite funny and ironical was before I went to do my agreement I was early so I went to my usual cafe to have a white coffee that they make especially for me. I had just been given my coffee when the door opened and in walked a nun and a little girl. It didn't look like the nun was used to coming into the cafe because she flustered a bit with all the cans of drink. Then she ordered what she ordered and then spent ages faffing through all the layers of her robe to find her money. I watched all this happening with curiosity. When she finally produced her £5 with a flourish it wasn't enough and there was a conversation about her returning with what was owed. Then to my horror she took a look around and I saw without any hesitation that she was heading over to sit beside me. She then tried to open the box of ribena she had bought for the little girl who was with her and then couldn't find the straw and I had the realization that if I hadn't shifted would I have turned out like that nun. Is that the product of not growing up....would that have been the ultimate outcome for me if this shift hadn't happened.

I know it doesn't mean anything that this nun came to sit beside me and I could see just how much she struggled with simple practical things and for a moment I could so see myself in her......she was also Irish as is my bood!

The game is up for the little girl.....but she doesn't want to let go...

I am struggling to keep it together these days. I feel such inner turmoil and conflict going on. The little girl has been exposed but she is still hanging on. I am struggling to understand how this process could be spiritual. I think now it is only psychological. This leads me to ask if there is anything about the process that I say is spiritual (and the purpose for this blog) is really spiritual at all. This is a dark place for me and the last thing I want to do is to write this blog. As I write it is slowly dawning on me that everything I have taken to be spiritual may in fact be psychological. My ease with spiritual literature was not because I am a mystic but because I made a decision not to grow up and by so doing I preserved the consciousness of the right side of my brain. What is spiritual about this? I am reeling from this at the moment and it is a crisis point in my life. I feel so unsure and uncertain and have no-one to talk to about it or nowhere to go.

I am also re-editing my book to get it ready for the India translations and it is adding to the uncertainty I am feeling. I see now so clearly how it is written in the style of a five year old child and now that I have moved on all I am feeling about it is embarassment. It is like the rug has been well and truly pulled out from under me. I feel exactly the same way as I did a number of years ago when something else I thought was spiritual turned out not to be. That time too I was devastated but I picked myself up and continued. This time it is deeper. In some ways I should be celebrating as I have proved to myself the fact that the consciousness between the right and left side of the brain is different but that is poor consolation when I have staked myself and my life on the spiritual dimension. What if there is no spiritual dimension, just the workings of the right brain which give certain experiences and the left which give others. Gosh, I so miss Manuel Schoch. If he were still alive I could speak to him about all this and he would understand what was going on.

That's going to be it for now....it's been an effort to even write as much as I have it's like I see for the first time just how vulnerable I have been in my writing. It is like I have been naked and not able to see it and now that my consciousness has shifted I see it. It's like I was in a state of grace whereby I was completely vulnerable and now I have fallen from that state of grace..similar to Adam and Eve being told not to eat the apple and then they did and then they realised that they were naked. What I have experienced feels somewhat similar....my fall from grace happened the moment I unconcealed the decision I made as a five year old child not to grow up because the adult world was unsafe. The moment that decision was unconcealed...I fell from grace.

Now I understand what my friends who read this blog used to warn me to be careful about what I wrote. In the past I could see none of that because to write openly and honestly and fully is so natural when the consciousness is located in the right brain, the tendancy is to be open and vulnerable and not hide anything. Once the consciousness shifts this way of being no longer feels right. I am feeling a distance now to things spiritual which I haven't before. I still have my memories but the actual experience of that powerful Presence which was always close to me is not there anymore. I don't know if this also applies to spiritual literature because all of my books are packed away. I suppose I could go on the internet and start to read something and see if I still have the same resonance....but to be honest I am a little scared to...

I am truly at a crossroads...maybe the time has come for me to let go of this journey...spiritual or pscyhological....only time will tell

Had my blood pressure checked......GP says it's that of a 15 year old!!!

I had confirmation from my GP today that my horrifying realization that I decided when I was five not to grow up into an adult was confirmed by the GP today who told me that my blood pressure reading was similar to a 15 year old. This makes sense given the shift of consciousness I have had where finally my consciousness has shifted from the right to the left brain. I have now officially entered puberty! Even now it is so hard for me to get my head around and walking around today I felt myself being dragged down into the impact of that insight and how so much about my life and how it has been for me in the past is making sense. What it is leaving me with is terrible restlessness and inner angst. I feel a sense of urgency and I don't understand why. I am so lucky in having had the right brain consciousness for the length of time that I had it and I am sure that I can bring a completely new and fresh view of the spiritual. I have already started working on the re-editing of my book.

I was delighted to get the news from my publisher that I have had the first sale of my book in the Czech Republic which I never expected. The promotion of the book throughout India and the two translations is also going ahead. It is a strange feeling reading it again with a view to re-editing in that I can see the childlike way in which it is written. There is a limit to how much editing I can do on this edition but I intend to take bits out and bit more bits in for the India translations.

I have been restless and uncertain today. I recognise these periods of black as the dark before the light of a powerful insight into something. I never run and today I decided to go on a 20 min run on the treadmill to have a breakthrough into why I will not work under pressure. I set myself the target of running continuously for 20 mins which is something I never do I have always given up in the past. This time I started running and after 16 mins gave up when my shoelace became undone. I left the treadmill and went on other equipment. Then something snapped and I said 'no, I am going to run for these 20 mins'. I started running and at about 16-17 minutes everything was screaming at me to give up but I continued running and then at 19.50 I couldn't believe it when the runner ground to a halt. I am in training not to make anything that happens in life mean anything and all that happened was that the runner broke down but for a moment for me I made it mean that there is still more for me to learn and go through before transforming this refusal of mine to work under pressure and for now I must be patient. I understand this process from how restless and uncertain I feel a few days before the insight comes. It's like it is working itself up from the depths of my subconscious, to come into consciousness to be transformed. Then the energy that was trapped is free to create something new which in my case will be the material for a new book. I have gone through the process many times that now it is so familiar but each time it doesn't get more comfortable it is still a mentally and emotionally exhausting time.

I see all of these shifts like some kind of initiations that I have to go through if that doesn't sound really weird given that there is no teacher or guru giving me any initiations. I remember reading once in an Alice Bailey book about the initiations that are given on the metaphysical realm. Each initiation occurs for me like an expansion of consciousness where the depth of my spiritual understanding and experiences intensifies. But again this is not the Truth just how this unfolding is occuring to me.....

Am writing this blog.....at 11.30pm...unheard of for me to be up this late..

I've had such a busy weekend that I haven't had time to write this blog. I was assisting at an event for the entire weekend. The hours were long from 7am - 11.15pm but we did have breaks. I woke up early on Saturday morning and did my 20 minutes of TM and felt great. I was staying close to where the event was so didn't have far to go. I couldn't believe it when I woke up on Saturday morning and peered out of my high window to see a blanket of white on the ground. 'Not snow again' I inwardly moaned. I donned my coat, hat and scarf and set off for the event. The morning was so crisp and fresh and the moon still high in the sky. I felt such contentment as I saundered along without a care in the world. I got to the event at around the same time as everyone else and there was great atmosphere between everyone. 10 minutes before everything was to begin I was asked if I would take on a supervisory role due to the supervisor not turning up. The moment this request was made of me I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach and everything in me screamed 'say no'. Instead I pushed this feeling down and covered it with the reason that I couldn't let people down and so I said 'yes, I would do it'.

Well it was a complete disaster. I have made no secret in this blog of the fact that I am challenged by things like organisation, structure etc and this was organisation, structure, being thorough taken to its ultimate degree. Suddenly people were looking to me to find handouts, put together packets, make sure everyone was taken care of and ensure that everything ran smoothly. I was so challenged and I resisted everything that anyone tried to say to me. I had all kinds of rants going on with myself and what was most frustrating was that I didn't seem to do anything right. How I missed out a whole row when I had to collate handouts was just a mystery to me. At 8pm on Saturday night I was feeling so tired and had my usual irritability. Then I remembered that I hadn't done my 20 mins of TM in the early evening. I requested an additional break which was agreed to and I went off to find an empty room to do my meditation. I did my 20 mins and 5 mins after the usual drowsiness of meditation I was wide awake and came back into the room much more alive and awake and ready to make things happen. But while I was more alive and awake my enthusiasm for putting together packs and arranging chairs was still zero.

Sunday was worse and I spent the say in confusion and bewilderment wondering why I find things like organisation and structure so challenging. At end of the evening everyone who had worked to make the event possible was thanked. To my horror when we were all on the stage the leader singled me out and acknowledged me for stepping in and taking on a role at the last minute. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me I was just mortified. At least I was awake which was thanks to the TM which I had done earlier in the evening. This morning I woke up and I was in such a black space. I knew that me not being thorough in the work I did over the weekend was down to the destructive part of me that sabotages everything when I feel I have been pushed in to it. But I wasn't pushed, I had a choice. I took on the role when I didn't want and then made it mean that I was pushed and then I set out to sabotage. I was reminded of when I was young and my mother made me dry the dishes. Mysteriously two plates just fell out of my hand! My mother was so angry and said 'you did that on purpose' and sent me off. At the time I remember wondering how I could have dropped the two plates but I saw the exact same thing happening this weekend. It's like my way of getting out of things that I but don't want to do but lack the courage to say 'no'.

What I have realized about this is that I sabotage because I haven't been straight. Agreeing to do something because I don't want to let someone down has no integrity and therefore will never work out. I see that now and from now on I will choose powerfully yes or no because I now realize that if I choose and want to then whatever I take on will work. In the past the only reason I had for saying yes when I wanted to say no, was 'to say no might upset the other person'. This is really spineless on my part and I am stating in this blog that from now on I say yes or no depending on how I really feel because now it is a question of integrity. The only reason I wasn't thorough this weekend was because I hadn't chosen freely to take on the role. I sabotaged it because I felt pushed into it and this what my mechanism does everytime. Now that I have been able to see it, I know that it won't have the same hold over me.

The TM meditation is absolutely amazing. I did my 20 mins at 6pm this evening and it is now almost midnight and I feel like I could write for hours. But over the weekend I got hit by an insight that may have nothing to do with the meditation. It suddenly hit me that because up to November 2009 I was still emotionally aged five, that staying up late at night was never going to be possible because five year olds are not up working late at night! But five year old children love to get up early in the morning. These days I keep getting flashes of insights like this. With each one that comes I feel a sense of relief because I am released from giving myself a hard time about not working late at night in the way that I used to. There may be no substance to this claim but when I got this insight it seemed so loud and powerful that it rang true for me.

This evening I met the lady that I lived with when I first moved here and I was aware of how well I could listen and really understand what she was saying and the things she is dealing with. I have created a new way of being for myself which is powerful, exciting and playful. What being powerful means to me is being straight and taking what I get and when there is no fear or nothing to protect or defend I can take and be with everything that is said to me. In the past it wasn't possible for people to be straight with me because I got upset and drammatical now when I share my new way of being it is an invitation for all my friends to feel that they can be free to say what they want to me without fearing my reaction or upsetting me. I have to accept that as a leader I am going to upset people and I have to be OK with that. The only way that I can be OK with that is that it is in line with my Boddhissatva vow and I am accountable for my actions inside of that vow......

So now...even though I am not in the slightest bit tired....I'm going to end this blog for today.