Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Had my blood pressure checked......GP says it's that of a 15 year old!!!

I had confirmation from my GP today that my horrifying realization that I decided when I was five not to grow up into an adult was confirmed by the GP today who told me that my blood pressure reading was similar to a 15 year old. This makes sense given the shift of consciousness I have had where finally my consciousness has shifted from the right to the left brain. I have now officially entered puberty! Even now it is so hard for me to get my head around and walking around today I felt myself being dragged down into the impact of that insight and how so much about my life and how it has been for me in the past is making sense. What it is leaving me with is terrible restlessness and inner angst. I feel a sense of urgency and I don't understand why. I am so lucky in having had the right brain consciousness for the length of time that I had it and I am sure that I can bring a completely new and fresh view of the spiritual. I have already started working on the re-editing of my book.

I was delighted to get the news from my publisher that I have had the first sale of my book in the Czech Republic which I never expected. The promotion of the book throughout India and the two translations is also going ahead. It is a strange feeling reading it again with a view to re-editing in that I can see the childlike way in which it is written. There is a limit to how much editing I can do on this edition but I intend to take bits out and bit more bits in for the India translations.

I have been restless and uncertain today. I recognise these periods of black as the dark before the light of a powerful insight into something. I never run and today I decided to go on a 20 min run on the treadmill to have a breakthrough into why I will not work under pressure. I set myself the target of running continuously for 20 mins which is something I never do I have always given up in the past. This time I started running and after 16 mins gave up when my shoelace became undone. I left the treadmill and went on other equipment. Then something snapped and I said 'no, I am going to run for these 20 mins'. I started running and at about 16-17 minutes everything was screaming at me to give up but I continued running and then at 19.50 I couldn't believe it when the runner ground to a halt. I am in training not to make anything that happens in life mean anything and all that happened was that the runner broke down but for a moment for me I made it mean that there is still more for me to learn and go through before transforming this refusal of mine to work under pressure and for now I must be patient. I understand this process from how restless and uncertain I feel a few days before the insight comes. It's like it is working itself up from the depths of my subconscious, to come into consciousness to be transformed. Then the energy that was trapped is free to create something new which in my case will be the material for a new book. I have gone through the process many times that now it is so familiar but each time it doesn't get more comfortable it is still a mentally and emotionally exhausting time.

I see all of these shifts like some kind of initiations that I have to go through if that doesn't sound really weird given that there is no teacher or guru giving me any initiations. I remember reading once in an Alice Bailey book about the initiations that are given on the metaphysical realm. Each initiation occurs for me like an expansion of consciousness where the depth of my spiritual understanding and experiences intensifies. But again this is not the Truth just how this unfolding is occuring to me.....

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