Last night was my last evening of the Vortex healing. I have been trying to assess its benefits. To be able to assess something accurately and fairly demands that I have something to measure it against. I think for any healing like this much of it is about faith and trust. I get drawn to things and then wonder when it is over what the pull was and how I should use what I am being pulled towards. I never get any answers to these ponderings of mine. But it's interesting that I don't feel any urge to continue once the course is over. It's like I have faith that whatever I am supposed to get I will have got it within the time of the course and there is no need to enroll for another. This is strange given the strength of the pull in the first place.
Apart from the first session when I was so incredibly tired I've felt much the same after the following three, so trust that I got what I was supposed to get. In my experience without a teacher this is the way of the spiritual path. Having an intuition to do something, following it and then being willing to let go when it feels right to. Thinking again of this healing, I suppose it's like anything new that we try, the first time is always the most powerful, then the old enemy called familiarity comes in. This takes away the newness and freshness of the first time and we have a kind of attitude that goes 'oh well, I know what this is about now'. I once read a book called 'Zen mind, beginners mind' and it talks about the importance of coming to every conversation and situation with fresh eyes and mind if one is to experience the magic that is only possible when we don't have past ideas or thoughts in our minds.
Last weekend I stayed with my very good friend. He has two goldfish in a tank in his kitchen. On Saturday I got up early and went downstairs to have some breakfast before I went to my agreement. I sat transfixed looking at these two fish who were swimming around and wondered if what I had heard once about fish was true, i.e. that they do not have any memory so for them they are always swimming in unfamiliar waters which might be why fish can appear to be so happy in such a limited and confined space (fish don't speak to me so I can't confirm my last assertion!) As I sat and watched them I pondered on what life would be like if we didn't have memories and could greet each moment with childlike wonder. When I say this I'm not talking about the forgetfulness of Alzheimer's or any medical condition where memory loss is a symptom.
I am speaking about a state of consciousness that in every moment comes from nothing, is new, and fresh. Using myself as an example because this is what this blog is about, what it means for me is that when I speak to someone I would have no memories of past conversations with that person. There would be an ease and a freedom instead of a cautiousness based on a past memory of an experience of saying something which caused hurt and upset. Ironically it is this memory of the way conversations in the past have gone that prevents authentic conversations in the present. It's quite comical when I stop and think about it. Instead of the consciousness being in the moment and absorbed in the beauty of the conversation it is preoccupied with doing everything it can not to repeat a past experience.
Today we had a visiting lecturer who spoke to us about how journalism is changing as a result of the economic climate. This seems to the only conversation that anyone working in this field is talking about at the moment. He spoke about the importance of having passion and enthusiasm for what we write about. I immediately thought of this blog and of how much I love it and how grateful I am to those who read it and are loyal to it. I also felt shame that it is something that I write on such a whim, given everything that I could share by writing. I have written in a past entry about the reaction from some of my colleagues on the course towards this blog and although I have only told a couple of people I am writing it, there is wariness to me which I can only put down to this blog. (It couldn't possibly be that they just don't want to hang around me! ) The impact of this is that I have been restrained when I've wanted to give free self-expression to my feelings and insights around this period of my life. Ironically, this restraint hasn't given me any more acceptance so I have decided in those famous words to 'publish and be dammed'.
I am no fool though and I will be careful. I know enough about libel now to change details for certain people and places. As always though, everything I write is only an opinion or view, it is not the truth only fodder for debate with the intention of being of service and making a difference. This new found resolve has just arisen today. The person who spoke to us is a well known and successful journalist and I had a thought to tell him about my blog and my book. Then immediately another thought came that said 'don't'. Then came a surge of anger and I found myself telling him exactly what I said I wouldn't.
Since then I feel a new found freedom. It was a kind of epiphany moment for me in that I saw with perfect clarity what I need to do to get me and my contribution to spirituality and its myriad of stages more well known. Up to now this blog was this blog, but if I am to make the contribution I want to make but more importantly be the change I want to see in the world I and this blog has to step out of our comfort zone. But as I write this, I hear my critical inner voice going 'yes, but how many epiphany moments have you had and have done nothing about' and this is true. I have the idea but lack the application. This is the reason why I and the blog and my book are so small. I run this story that I am not organised and this is why I am ineffective when it comes to things practical and getting things done and moving.
The only way this is going to change is if I am rigorous with myself and hold myself to account in a new way. This involves me getting up each morning and setting myself a number of actions around getting myself and my model of the three stages of spiritual development more known. Being clear about when I am going to do these actions and then holding myself to account when I don't do them and recommiting myself to doing them. The most important part of all of this is not to make myself or others wrong when they don't happen. Where I go when I don't do something I said I would do is 'I'm bad and wrong' and this robs me of power. Keeping my word has nothing to do with being right or wrong and everything to do with being powerful and living a powerful life.
I saw with perfect clarity that my love and my passion and my experiences are in the area of spiritual development. This is what I want to write and speak about. Up to now I have been doing this alone, lurking like some voyeur on the sidelines instead of getting involved in serious writing and reporting about everything that is evolving in this field. To think that I was considering going for a safe job on a magazine that isn't going to inspire me was once again to go and sell out on myself like I have done in conventional jobs all my life.
This blog entry is long because I am at present sitting in an internet/phone cafe waiting for my phone to complete a complete software re-programme. I haven't been able to to receive text or voice mail messages and so I've had to bite the bullet and get the entire thing re-softwared. What is amazing is that they told me that it would be ready almost an hour ago and when I calmly pointed out that I had been given a time to return to find that the phone is not ready, they offered me the free use of the internet!, this is why this blog entry is so long.
Another trivial thing that happened which warmed my heart was when I was up in London I wandered through Waitrose and saw a particular dish that really appealed. I thought I'll go to Waitrose here and pick it up. I walked in there earlier and rather than spend ages walking around every aisle found an assistant and explained what I was looking for. She shook her head and proferred some explanation about not having it in that branch. Feeling disappointed I headed for the counter to pay for what I already had in the basket. Just before I reached the counter I had a thought to go back to the pasta section. I walked back and then to my amazement, just beside the pasta was the range of food I had been looking for and there was the exact one I wanted......the last one!..
When these small but absolutely thrilling things happen, I know for certain that the only one putting limitations on what I can create and achieve in the world.....is me...
Now...I've been waiting an unacceptably long time for my phone...free internet or not, so I'm going to go for now.....
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