I'm almost ready to leave to catch my train to Bath for this 'Beyond the brain' conference. Sometimes I have no idea why I end up doing some of the things I do. What is this force that is going to take me into a lions den of neuroscientists, mystics. It is amazing how separate I can feel in a room surrounded by people. I was at a similar conference to this three years ago in Wales. I remember being frustrated, talking to people trying to get somebody to see where I was coming from. I had a strange experience with one Consultant. I was explaining about the lack of sight in my right eye and my conviction that this is resulting in the insights and intuitions I have. He held up a finger and asked me to follow it. I did this. I don't know what he saw because he suddenly saw someone he wanted to speak to across the other side of the room and legged it leaving me standing alone. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I was just so shocked. I caught his eye a couple of times during the conference but he quickly looked away. This kind of reaction to me was unsettling then and to be honest it still is when I recollect it to write about it now.
I realise that at that time I was very intense. I had had an out of the ordinary experience. I was desperate for a rationale explanation. I am ordinary. I don't consider myself particularly spiritual. I haven't spent years meditating, there had to be another explanation. That is why I latched onto the fact of me not having equal sight in both eyes which could mean that one half of my brain is being more stimulated than the other. I also consider myself to grounded. I find that sometimes when I am speaking to spiritual people that I don't have a lot in common. I don't sign off my emails with 'love and light' and all of that kind of thing. I seem to be much more I don't want to say real, because that makes me sound like I am putting myself above others.
Gosh I'm stuggling writing this. Let's see if there's anything in the work of Alice Bailey which says it better than I can.... Ah yes, here on page 145 is what I am trying to say ' Human beings are apt to be primarily concerned with their higher group relations, with their return to their father's home, and with the trend which we call 'upwards' and away from the phenomenal world. They are principally occupied with finding of the centre within the form aspect we call the soul, and having found it, with the work then of acquanting themselves with the soul and thus finding peace. This is right and in line with Divine intention, but it is NOT ALL of the plan for man, and when this remains the prime objective, a man is dangerously near falling into the snare of spiritual selfishness and separateness' - Alice Bailey - Quality of Soul. I feel so reassured when I have a thought like this, which are strange, out of the ordinary and then I find something which confirms it. I am happy when my insights and intuitions confirm and build on ancient wisdom. I would worry if they were to contradict it because then there is something else at work. There is only one Truth but a myriad of ways to get to it.
I think part of my fear about this conference is that it is going to be full of mystics who are ungrounded and I'm going to end up feeling frustrated. I fear I am going to be the only voice of reason and as a result I am afraid that I am going to be exhausted at the end of the conference. Maybe this is too harsh on my part....only time will tell. I think I understand how Richard Dawkins must feel when he goes in among mystics and those who have abandoned reason in favour of experiences. I'm not saying realizations. These are different. To abandon reason because of a powerful experience is not very clever.
The driver for me to attend this conference is integrity. I feel like a spiritual fraud because I haven't done all the things that monks and nuns do. I haven't cut myself off from the world. I guess I am looking for an answer as to would I have these insights, intuitions and the life of expanded awareness which I have if I had two properly functioning eyes - this is what this search is about. The search for the Truth. It would also be great if I could have a brain scan to see whether or not there is more (or less)activity in the right side of the brain than the left. This would give me some answers. Unfortunately my GP won't refer me for a brain scan!
Almost time to leave.....what is this sickening feeling in my stomach...
Friday, 24 August 2007
Thursday, 23 August 2007
Something unfinished
I had a nagging feeling when I woke up this morning that I had missed something important from what I wrote in my blog yesterday. The words 'vortex of energy' came to me and then I knew what it was. In the Power of Now Eckhart Tolle also speaks about being drawn into a 'vortex of energy' immediately after his mind was shocked by the 'I' 'me' distinction. It is the shock to the mind which resulted in the body being drawn into this vortex of energy. I remain convinced that living life from the point of view of expanded awareness involves and requires a movement of energy from deep within the body, rising upwards to the brain and coming to rest in the heart. It is the shock to the mind in combination with a movement of energy that results in spiritual awakening. This memory is amazing because it is a long time since I read this book. I always remembered the power of the 'I' 'me' distinction but never remembered the bit about the energy. This morning it seemed important to go back and add it. It is episodes like this that if I didn't accept them as part and parcel of my spiritual journey that I would seriously question my sanity.
I was thinking about how to discern those spiritual teachers that come from mind from those that come from experience. For me, it would have to be an experience of this rising energy. Before I had this experience I had a mind that was like most that I heard speak on the 'spiritual illuminaries' DVD yesterday. I had studied Buddhism for nine years and had read lots of literature. But it was only when I experienced this rising of energy that I truly realized what I had been reading about. It was only then that I knew (gosh this is so difficult to write) with a certainty what it was I had been doing all these years. Before this experience I only had concepts. Well developed, well articulated but ultimately only concepts.
For me, someone who is 'awake', has to have experienced this rise of energy. If they haven't then I remain sceptical. Something has to happen in the brain which shifts the consciousness to another level where more is seen and understood. This does not happen in normal everyday life, it takes an event. What Alice Bailey would call 'an initiation'.
Another way to discern whether a teacher is coming from the mind or soul (if your own intuition does not tell you) is to study how fast or slow he/she speaks. Fast speakers tend to come from the mind, slow, measured speakers are accessing the information from a place which is no-mind. The Dalai Lama speaks slowly. You could argue that he does this because his first language is not English and there may be some truth in this. But think about those people who you feel inspired by, is their speech, slow, mindful, measured or is it quite hectic with lots of ideas. These are just thoughts of mine, the reader is absolutely free to take them on or throw them out. They are simply words on a page, their only significance is what the reader gives to them. It is important to consider all of these. The spiritual journey is strewn with human wrecks because of a lack of discernment which is not the same as judgement.
I am going tomorrow to a conference in Bath called 'Beyond the Brain'. It is a conference which is being run by the Scientific and Medical Network. Some of the speakers who will be there I have spoken to or written to. I feel so certain that there is a link between my uncorrected lazy right eye and the kind of spiritual/mystical experiences I have had. I consider my case to be strengthened by the fact that Gordon Brown who is now Prime Minister has a glass eye in his left eye. As a result he has restricted stimulation going to his right brain. This is why his style is so different to his predecessor Tony Blair. There is so little spin and concern for image. He is a man who is totally about substance. It is no co-incidence that he was also chancellor of the exchequer which you could argue is the most left brained job in the country.
I will be bringing this theory with me to the conference tomorrow. It won't be the first time I have tried to get the world of science interested in this. Reactions to me have been mixed. One psychologist said to me 'you say these things yet you're not mad!...very reassuring. Most have told me that the energy through the eyes reaches both sides of the brain. For me it is too much of a co-incidence. I am no saint, I haven't spent years in a Buddhist monastery. The only thing that makes me different is that I have an uncorrected lazy right eye. I am positive that there is a connection, I just need someone to be able to see where I am coming from...so wish me luck.
I will try to continue this blog when I'm in Bath but as I am staying in University accommodation without any students, I'm not sure what internet facilities will be available. So if there's no blog update until Monday then you know why.
I was thinking about how to discern those spiritual teachers that come from mind from those that come from experience. For me, it would have to be an experience of this rising energy. Before I had this experience I had a mind that was like most that I heard speak on the 'spiritual illuminaries' DVD yesterday. I had studied Buddhism for nine years and had read lots of literature. But it was only when I experienced this rising of energy that I truly realized what I had been reading about. It was only then that I knew (gosh this is so difficult to write) with a certainty what it was I had been doing all these years. Before this experience I only had concepts. Well developed, well articulated but ultimately only concepts.
For me, someone who is 'awake', has to have experienced this rise of energy. If they haven't then I remain sceptical. Something has to happen in the brain which shifts the consciousness to another level where more is seen and understood. This does not happen in normal everyday life, it takes an event. What Alice Bailey would call 'an initiation'.
Another way to discern whether a teacher is coming from the mind or soul (if your own intuition does not tell you) is to study how fast or slow he/she speaks. Fast speakers tend to come from the mind, slow, measured speakers are accessing the information from a place which is no-mind. The Dalai Lama speaks slowly. You could argue that he does this because his first language is not English and there may be some truth in this. But think about those people who you feel inspired by, is their speech, slow, mindful, measured or is it quite hectic with lots of ideas. These are just thoughts of mine, the reader is absolutely free to take them on or throw them out. They are simply words on a page, their only significance is what the reader gives to them. It is important to consider all of these. The spiritual journey is strewn with human wrecks because of a lack of discernment which is not the same as judgement.
I am going tomorrow to a conference in Bath called 'Beyond the Brain'. It is a conference which is being run by the Scientific and Medical Network. Some of the speakers who will be there I have spoken to or written to. I feel so certain that there is a link between my uncorrected lazy right eye and the kind of spiritual/mystical experiences I have had. I consider my case to be strengthened by the fact that Gordon Brown who is now Prime Minister has a glass eye in his left eye. As a result he has restricted stimulation going to his right brain. This is why his style is so different to his predecessor Tony Blair. There is so little spin and concern for image. He is a man who is totally about substance. It is no co-incidence that he was also chancellor of the exchequer which you could argue is the most left brained job in the country.
I will be bringing this theory with me to the conference tomorrow. It won't be the first time I have tried to get the world of science interested in this. Reactions to me have been mixed. One psychologist said to me 'you say these things yet you're not mad!...very reassuring. Most have told me that the energy through the eyes reaches both sides of the brain. For me it is too much of a co-incidence. I am no saint, I haven't spent years in a Buddhist monastery. The only thing that makes me different is that I have an uncorrected lazy right eye. I am positive that there is a connection, I just need someone to be able to see where I am coming from...so wish me luck.
I will try to continue this blog when I'm in Bath but as I am staying in University accommodation without any students, I'm not sure what internet facilities will be available. So if there's no blog update until Monday then you know why.
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
Call me paranoid.....
I remember when I had my first profound experience of energy rising up through the body that I had episodes of what seemed like mania. All these thoughts were rushing around in my head. Now I understand that the energy when it rose to the crown of the head awakened normally dormant areas of the brain. One of my thoughts was that 'this rising energy and its effects is a secret that has been kept from the masses'. It is what secret societies go to huge lengths to protect'. I don't know where this thought came from or what it was based on. At this time which was a long time ago I was hit by episodes where I had really way out thoughts. It was the Buddhist practice of being the witness of it all which has ensured that I am grounded. I also remember feelings not so much of paranoia but of feeling that I have stumbled onto something that is not common knowledge and that I would have to be careful.
Today some of those thoughts crowded in on me today when I was unable to access the blog. It kept saying 'server error'. My first thought was 'someone doesn't like what I am writing and has taken it off'. I felt the cold clammy hand of fear go around my heart and I was at a loss at what to do. I tried other blogs and had no trouble accessing them, it was only mine. I am aware that some of what I write is controversial but is it so controversial as to warrant the site being taken down...I don't think so. What was interesting was how quickly the thoughts were one's of negativity. I could have thought 'it's down because so many people are reading it! instead the mind created a disempowering context for the event. Why does the mind do this? I am pleased to say that within 15 minutes I could once again access the blog and continue my daily musings. Buddhists see the mind as a seventh sense organ and like the eye as a sense organ has what it sees as its sense object, and ears as the sense organ has what it hears as a sense object, the mind as a sense organ has what we think as a sense object. Thoughts are just products thrown up by the mind. They are not true, but the irony of the human condition is that we are convinced they are.
I was denied the chance to meditate at my group cycling session this morning. There weren't very many of us there and the instructor decided to take an individual approach to the class. This meant for me that everytime I closed my eyes ready to meditate, I was unceremoniously hit on the back and told 'LOOK IN THE MIRROR TO SEE YOUR POSTURE'. Pushing down mounting irritation I said to myself 'inner calm in the face of all of this, inner calm girl'. I'm sure as a result of the thorough tuition I had a better cycling class and my technique was better, but I left it feeling like I had been cheated in some way. This was quite a strange experience.
I am a member of the spiritual cinema circle and have been since the circle started. Every month they send a DVD of films. This month there was a documentary called 'Living Luminaries (on the serious business of happiness). It is a collection of well known writers in the field of spirituality who give their take on how to be happy. Of all of them it was the interviews with Eckhart Tolle which resonated the strongest with me. When I worked as a volunteer for Alternatives I had the privilege of hearing Eckhart speak. He spoke with such calmness and peace that my soul automatically responded. For me, he is a true master. I say this because he had a powerful experience whereby he lost consciousness due to a thought which shocked the mind and jolted it out of its habitual way of being. He had a thought 'I cannot live with myself any longer', then came 'who is I, and who is myself' this revelation produced the shock to the mind without which there is no expansion of consciousness. It is the power of this experience which he tells simply in his book 'The Power of Now' which makes him for me an authentic teacher.
I am wary of teachers who use too many words. The soul is simple. The words it uses are simple and the sentences it speaks short. These sentences come through intuition. For me they come largely as instructions which do not have anything personal associated with them. Many of the so called luminaries on this DVD had lots to say. But it was my own reaction I noticed when I listened to what Eckhart said and my reaction when I listened to the others. To the others it was mind meeting mind and I understood it on this level, for Eckhart, it was soul meeting soul and there was a definite and qualitative difference.
Truth is truth and all teachers have an aspect. I was struck by one man who said the spiritual journey is not about success but significance. It's not about the success of material things but achieving significance so that you become important to someone. Significance is the goal, not success. This really resonated with me and on that note I will end the blog for tonight.
Today some of those thoughts crowded in on me today when I was unable to access the blog. It kept saying 'server error'. My first thought was 'someone doesn't like what I am writing and has taken it off'. I felt the cold clammy hand of fear go around my heart and I was at a loss at what to do. I tried other blogs and had no trouble accessing them, it was only mine. I am aware that some of what I write is controversial but is it so controversial as to warrant the site being taken down...I don't think so. What was interesting was how quickly the thoughts were one's of negativity. I could have thought 'it's down because so many people are reading it! instead the mind created a disempowering context for the event. Why does the mind do this? I am pleased to say that within 15 minutes I could once again access the blog and continue my daily musings. Buddhists see the mind as a seventh sense organ and like the eye as a sense organ has what it sees as its sense object, and ears as the sense organ has what it hears as a sense object, the mind as a sense organ has what we think as a sense object. Thoughts are just products thrown up by the mind. They are not true, but the irony of the human condition is that we are convinced they are.
I was denied the chance to meditate at my group cycling session this morning. There weren't very many of us there and the instructor decided to take an individual approach to the class. This meant for me that everytime I closed my eyes ready to meditate, I was unceremoniously hit on the back and told 'LOOK IN THE MIRROR TO SEE YOUR POSTURE'. Pushing down mounting irritation I said to myself 'inner calm in the face of all of this, inner calm girl'. I'm sure as a result of the thorough tuition I had a better cycling class and my technique was better, but I left it feeling like I had been cheated in some way. This was quite a strange experience.
I am a member of the spiritual cinema circle and have been since the circle started. Every month they send a DVD of films. This month there was a documentary called 'Living Luminaries (on the serious business of happiness). It is a collection of well known writers in the field of spirituality who give their take on how to be happy. Of all of them it was the interviews with Eckhart Tolle which resonated the strongest with me. When I worked as a volunteer for Alternatives I had the privilege of hearing Eckhart speak. He spoke with such calmness and peace that my soul automatically responded. For me, he is a true master. I say this because he had a powerful experience whereby he lost consciousness due to a thought which shocked the mind and jolted it out of its habitual way of being. He had a thought 'I cannot live with myself any longer', then came 'who is I, and who is myself' this revelation produced the shock to the mind without which there is no expansion of consciousness. It is the power of this experience which he tells simply in his book 'The Power of Now' which makes him for me an authentic teacher.
I am wary of teachers who use too many words. The soul is simple. The words it uses are simple and the sentences it speaks short. These sentences come through intuition. For me they come largely as instructions which do not have anything personal associated with them. Many of the so called luminaries on this DVD had lots to say. But it was my own reaction I noticed when I listened to what Eckhart said and my reaction when I listened to the others. To the others it was mind meeting mind and I understood it on this level, for Eckhart, it was soul meeting soul and there was a definite and qualitative difference.
Truth is truth and all teachers have an aspect. I was struck by one man who said the spiritual journey is not about success but significance. It's not about the success of material things but achieving significance so that you become important to someone. Significance is the goal, not success. This really resonated with me and on that note I will end the blog for tonight.
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
Well....I did it...
I re-told the story of Beauty and the Beast as my first speech in the advanced storytelling manual and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Standing at the top of the room and looking at 20 people who are listening intently to every word is such an exhilarating experience. There is nothing like it. All of the people there are given slips of paper to write some comments on for the speaker and what was written on the slips of paper which people gave to me has brought tears to my eyes. It is so humbling to think that for nine minutes tonight I gave enjoyment to people. This to me is soul service and I love it.
There was a ribbon for the best speech and even though I didn't win it, it didn't matter in the slightest. If the speech had come from my personality and ego I would have been very upset. I am completely OK with not winning best speaker. This is a great achievement for me. I can say that I am truly OK because there was no bodily reaction when the name of the best speaker was called out for the evening and it wasn't me. I was delighted at how much I had enjoyed giving it and knowing that so many people had enjoyed it has meant everything.
I have such a lot to be grateful for at my early morning spinning class tomorrow so will finish this blog for tonight.
There was a ribbon for the best speech and even though I didn't win it, it didn't matter in the slightest. If the speech had come from my personality and ego I would have been very upset. I am completely OK with not winning best speaker. This is a great achievement for me. I can say that I am truly OK because there was no bodily reaction when the name of the best speaker was called out for the evening and it wasn't me. I was delighted at how much I had enjoyed giving it and knowing that so many people had enjoyed it has meant everything.
I have such a lot to be grateful for at my early morning spinning class tomorrow so will finish this blog for tonight.
I can't believe it....
I can't believe that I fell asleep on my sofa at 8pm and missed the television programme 'Enemies of reason' last night. I turned down an offer to go to hear a jazz band because I wanted to see this programme. And what happens my consciousness let's me down by checking out and I fall asleep.
This morning I had to have some blood tests which meant fasting from 8pm last night. I didn't like to fast. I'm used to having little snacks (well I think they are little) throughout the evening so to have to fast was alien to my system. I think maybe that is why I crashed on my sofa..it was a sure way of not eating!...strange but true. I had the blood test and while my arm was being prepared, I remembered something the Dalai Lama had said when he gave a talk at Wembley some years ago. He was talking about the importance of keeping the mind calm and stable especially at the time of death. He told the story of how when he went to have a blood test that the nurse couldn't find a vein. She went from one arm to another, he said 'then my mind became agitated, if I was to die then, that would not be good' I thought this was such an apt example of having knowledge but it being difficult to apply when in a specific situation.
I'm giving my speech on Beauty and the Beast tonight at Toastmasters. Because I was so tired I haven't rehearsed it so will have to judge how much to include when I see how fast the lights are going. The speech is going to be evaluated by another member who will tell me what was good, what I could improve on and what made it interesting to listen to. He's just called me and asked me do I have my beauty costume and my beast mask....aagh...mind becomes agitated....where am I going to get all this stuff at short notice....then it goes on the defensive which sounds something like 'it doesn't say in the manual that to pass this speech I have to dress up' Something in me felt threatened which is why I reacted so defensively to him. There was no need for it. I could have laughed it off. I know that this reaction of mine came from my ego and personality and not from the soul. If it came from the soul there would not have been any defensiveness.
Alice Bailey in her books speaks about passing through three halls on the spiritual journey. The first is the hall of ignorance. This is where the material largely dominates. Then there is the hall of learning where the path begins and finally is the hall of wisdom where everything comes together. Sometimes like today I feel firmly in the hall of ignorance. Then I read something and it resonates and I think 'I'm in the hall of learning' and then on those times when I touch a presence or feel close to something that is bigger than me I think 'this is the hall of wisdom' The confusion comes when the consciousness gets shunted back and forth between these halls. It happens to me most often when I think I have figured something out - a big boot - kicks my consciousness firmly back into the hall of ignorance. It can feel like going three steps forward and two steps back. Lately my mantra seems to be 'I'm confused'.
I should take heart by this because it is only in confusion and uncertainty that there is any growth. As I write this I am reminded of the words of a hymn I used to think a lot about when I was a young girl. The words are 'be glad the day you have sorrow, be glad cos then you live' I used to wonder for hours about this thinking 'how does being sad make you live'. There was always something intriguing about this for me, something hidden waiting to be discovered....
I will write how the speech went later on this evening.....
This morning I had to have some blood tests which meant fasting from 8pm last night. I didn't like to fast. I'm used to having little snacks (well I think they are little) throughout the evening so to have to fast was alien to my system. I think maybe that is why I crashed on my sofa..it was a sure way of not eating!...strange but true. I had the blood test and while my arm was being prepared, I remembered something the Dalai Lama had said when he gave a talk at Wembley some years ago. He was talking about the importance of keeping the mind calm and stable especially at the time of death. He told the story of how when he went to have a blood test that the nurse couldn't find a vein. She went from one arm to another, he said 'then my mind became agitated, if I was to die then, that would not be good' I thought this was such an apt example of having knowledge but it being difficult to apply when in a specific situation.
I'm giving my speech on Beauty and the Beast tonight at Toastmasters. Because I was so tired I haven't rehearsed it so will have to judge how much to include when I see how fast the lights are going. The speech is going to be evaluated by another member who will tell me what was good, what I could improve on and what made it interesting to listen to. He's just called me and asked me do I have my beauty costume and my beast mask....aagh...mind becomes agitated....where am I going to get all this stuff at short notice....then it goes on the defensive which sounds something like 'it doesn't say in the manual that to pass this speech I have to dress up' Something in me felt threatened which is why I reacted so defensively to him. There was no need for it. I could have laughed it off. I know that this reaction of mine came from my ego and personality and not from the soul. If it came from the soul there would not have been any defensiveness.
Alice Bailey in her books speaks about passing through three halls on the spiritual journey. The first is the hall of ignorance. This is where the material largely dominates. Then there is the hall of learning where the path begins and finally is the hall of wisdom where everything comes together. Sometimes like today I feel firmly in the hall of ignorance. Then I read something and it resonates and I think 'I'm in the hall of learning' and then on those times when I touch a presence or feel close to something that is bigger than me I think 'this is the hall of wisdom' The confusion comes when the consciousness gets shunted back and forth between these halls. It happens to me most often when I think I have figured something out - a big boot - kicks my consciousness firmly back into the hall of ignorance. It can feel like going three steps forward and two steps back. Lately my mantra seems to be 'I'm confused'.
I should take heart by this because it is only in confusion and uncertainty that there is any growth. As I write this I am reminded of the words of a hymn I used to think a lot about when I was a young girl. The words are 'be glad the day you have sorrow, be glad cos then you live' I used to wonder for hours about this thinking 'how does being sad make you live'. There was always something intriguing about this for me, something hidden waiting to be discovered....
I will write how the speech went later on this evening.....
Sunday, 19 August 2007
The danger of being definite....
My fantasy together with my turbulent mind followed me into bed last night. I should know better than to write such things 'I won't' 'I never'. When I write in this definite fashion I am shown that this is not the way. In my last post I wrote that I don't feel desire. In bed last night I was consumed with such desire that I did not know what to do with myself, such sexual thoughts and feelings so agonising. I couldn't sleep for absolutely ages. Why is it always like this. I think that I have worked something out to find that I really haven't a clue and am once again thrown into confusion.
In spite of the troubled night I woke up early and felt refreshed. I felt an urge to meditate. I sat down with some apprehension because I have been here many times before. I feel the urge to meditate, I sit down and immediately the mind drives me mad with thoughts. I try one technique, then decide that's no good, and then I try another. The time crawls by. I don't seem to be getting anywhere and then I give up. In that way I am not a good spiritual student. Maybe it's a cop out but I consider the most effective meditation is when I am cycling or walking through nature. This morning though was different. I didn't feel the time pass and I seemed to reach a depth although I don't know if that was just me daydreaming or sleeping on my stool! When I finished I didn't feel an immediate urge to move. I was content to sit with nothing in my mind. It was a beautiful moment. I often have these moments in that stage between sleeping and waking but this is the first time I have had such an experience through meditation.
I went to work early because I had a dentist appointment. Before going to the dentist I left the IT department with my computer. I had brought my computer home on Friday for the weekend to make sure that everything was working. When I am out sick for 8 weeks I will use it at home. Wouldn't you just know it. I bring it home, plug it in, put in the relevant cables and look at the screen expectantly..NOTHING...I hiss and grunt, pull out cables here, put them in there, get a couple of drop down menus and click something. I realise I have no idea what it is I am supposed to be doing. Still nothing. Totally frustrated and fed up with technology that seems to make a laughing stock of me. I turn on my own trusty home computer and gradually my hatred of things with plugs subsides.
I left my laptop to IT while I went to the dentist. Came back, reclaimed my laptop. The IT guy reassured me now that everything was working. I bring it back to my desk, snap it into the box which is behind it, put in my usual password; up comes 'INCORRECT PASSWORD' aagh...this is my usual password. I am so like monkey see, monkey do, when it comes to the computer. If I see it done once then this is what I do. I never thought to look at what was in the username box. So used have I been to just putting in my password that when that didn't work, I had exhausted both my training and my powers of thinking laterally which are lamentable at the best of times. Almost crying with frustration at this point, my work colleague takes pity and calls up the IT department and explains in a slow and patronising fashion what had happened when the laptop was in IT. Through a complicated process which resulted in me returning to my original password (because all I had to really do was change the username...duh...) I once again had a working computer.
But the cost to me is massive. I am sitting here now with a blinding headache, feeling stupid and all around me the technology talk is so deafening that I am going to scream if they don't shut up. It's an alien language at odds with the Queen's English and shouldn't be allowed. I was going to work late here tonight but I'm so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I know tiredness is a form of resistance but what is it that I am resisting....I wish I knew.
I'm looking forward to the 2nd programme of 'Enemies of reason' with Richard Dawkins later this evening. He is having a go at faith healing tonight. I don't doubt that people have mystical/spiritual experiences, I have them myself. The important thing is not to get lost in them. To always think is this something that I can use to the benefit of others. I don't believe in going to lofty states without being able to bring some of it back to transform life. I am not intersted in expanded or altered states of consciousness just for the sake of having them. My sole interest in having them is to bring about a happier and transformed world. They are of no use to me if nothing changes in the world.
To give an example. If for some reason I was able to move a glass with my mind from one side of a table to another, and word got out that I could do this, then every hall in the country would be filled with people wanting to hear what I had to say. But in truth what does it mean? Yes, it demonstrates some kind of mind power but in terms of bringing about world peace or ridding the world of all the tension and conflict it is useless in doing this. As I write Uri Geller comes to mind and how he can pack any venue he is speaking at. And why...because he can bend metal spoons by a combination of light stroking of the spoon and his mind. Because he can do this people come from far and near to hear him speak. This kind of response can lead quickly to ego inflation and also to getting pidgeon-holed and unable to move on. The last time I heard him speak, he was trying to speak about the where of his powers. Unfortunately all the people wanted to see him do was to bend a spoon. This to me is sad.
But it is common to feel sort of 'special' or 'chosen' after an experience of this kind. I wear a contact lens in my left eye, my right eye doesn't respond to any lens. I remember once going swimming soon after one of these profound experiences and seeing everything so clear. I was convinced that the experience had cured my blurred vision. It was only later I realised that I had forgotten to take out my contact lens the night before. So one has to be so careful with profound experiences to remain grounded and centered. I have found humility and adopting a witness attitude so that you don't get absorbed in to be the greatest protection.
I fell asleep on my sofa at 8pm so missed the programme, didn't wake up until 1am....so unlike me....what is going on?
In spite of the troubled night I woke up early and felt refreshed. I felt an urge to meditate. I sat down with some apprehension because I have been here many times before. I feel the urge to meditate, I sit down and immediately the mind drives me mad with thoughts. I try one technique, then decide that's no good, and then I try another. The time crawls by. I don't seem to be getting anywhere and then I give up. In that way I am not a good spiritual student. Maybe it's a cop out but I consider the most effective meditation is when I am cycling or walking through nature. This morning though was different. I didn't feel the time pass and I seemed to reach a depth although I don't know if that was just me daydreaming or sleeping on my stool! When I finished I didn't feel an immediate urge to move. I was content to sit with nothing in my mind. It was a beautiful moment. I often have these moments in that stage between sleeping and waking but this is the first time I have had such an experience through meditation.
I went to work early because I had a dentist appointment. Before going to the dentist I left the IT department with my computer. I had brought my computer home on Friday for the weekend to make sure that everything was working. When I am out sick for 8 weeks I will use it at home. Wouldn't you just know it. I bring it home, plug it in, put in the relevant cables and look at the screen expectantly..NOTHING...I hiss and grunt, pull out cables here, put them in there, get a couple of drop down menus and click something. I realise I have no idea what it is I am supposed to be doing. Still nothing. Totally frustrated and fed up with technology that seems to make a laughing stock of me. I turn on my own trusty home computer and gradually my hatred of things with plugs subsides.
I left my laptop to IT while I went to the dentist. Came back, reclaimed my laptop. The IT guy reassured me now that everything was working. I bring it back to my desk, snap it into the box which is behind it, put in my usual password; up comes 'INCORRECT PASSWORD' aagh...this is my usual password. I am so like monkey see, monkey do, when it comes to the computer. If I see it done once then this is what I do. I never thought to look at what was in the username box. So used have I been to just putting in my password that when that didn't work, I had exhausted both my training and my powers of thinking laterally which are lamentable at the best of times. Almost crying with frustration at this point, my work colleague takes pity and calls up the IT department and explains in a slow and patronising fashion what had happened when the laptop was in IT. Through a complicated process which resulted in me returning to my original password (because all I had to really do was change the username...duh...) I once again had a working computer.
But the cost to me is massive. I am sitting here now with a blinding headache, feeling stupid and all around me the technology talk is so deafening that I am going to scream if they don't shut up. It's an alien language at odds with the Queen's English and shouldn't be allowed. I was going to work late here tonight but I'm so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I know tiredness is a form of resistance but what is it that I am resisting....I wish I knew.
I'm looking forward to the 2nd programme of 'Enemies of reason' with Richard Dawkins later this evening. He is having a go at faith healing tonight. I don't doubt that people have mystical/spiritual experiences, I have them myself. The important thing is not to get lost in them. To always think is this something that I can use to the benefit of others. I don't believe in going to lofty states without being able to bring some of it back to transform life. I am not intersted in expanded or altered states of consciousness just for the sake of having them. My sole interest in having them is to bring about a happier and transformed world. They are of no use to me if nothing changes in the world.
To give an example. If for some reason I was able to move a glass with my mind from one side of a table to another, and word got out that I could do this, then every hall in the country would be filled with people wanting to hear what I had to say. But in truth what does it mean? Yes, it demonstrates some kind of mind power but in terms of bringing about world peace or ridding the world of all the tension and conflict it is useless in doing this. As I write Uri Geller comes to mind and how he can pack any venue he is speaking at. And why...because he can bend metal spoons by a combination of light stroking of the spoon and his mind. Because he can do this people come from far and near to hear him speak. This kind of response can lead quickly to ego inflation and also to getting pidgeon-holed and unable to move on. The last time I heard him speak, he was trying to speak about the where of his powers. Unfortunately all the people wanted to see him do was to bend a spoon. This to me is sad.
But it is common to feel sort of 'special' or 'chosen' after an experience of this kind. I wear a contact lens in my left eye, my right eye doesn't respond to any lens. I remember once going swimming soon after one of these profound experiences and seeing everything so clear. I was convinced that the experience had cured my blurred vision. It was only later I realised that I had forgotten to take out my contact lens the night before. So one has to be so careful with profound experiences to remain grounded and centered. I have found humility and adopting a witness attitude so that you don't get absorbed in to be the greatest protection.
I fell asleep on my sofa at 8pm so missed the programme, didn't wake up until 1am....so unlike me....what is going on?
It's been such a struggle today....
Today my mind has been very turbulent and so critical about everything I have done. Frustration is such a common part of this path. Frustration keeps the mind in a high state of tension. My mind at the moment has created this fantasy about a guy who I meet every Sunday. When I don't see him I'm missing him and fantasing what I will say when we meet again. Then we meet and nothing goes the way I planned. I want to say one thing and something else comes out of my mouth, and I think 'shit, where did that come from' and it throws me into such confusion. I have written before about the men guards that are sleeping in front of me until this guy comes on the scene and then they overwork themselves distorting the communication so the whole thing is fraught. Then I have to take myself out of the situation and am then lonely and then the fantasy kicks in again only stronger. This is wearing me out.
I am so looking forward to working for this organisation because the focus won't be on me, it will be on others. I think if I had a strong enough desire I wouldn't be in this position. That is the confusing thing is that I don't seem to have any desire so there's no fire in the communication, no flirting, nothing when I am in the company of this guy. Then when I'm on my own. I keep thinking and fantasising. Sometimes I feel like I am going mad. I think I am a late developer because I didn't know what it was to fancy someone until I was in my mid-30's. I used to hear friends saying 'I fancy x' and I used to think 'what is fancy'. Then someone came along who was a lot younger than me and then I was in no doubt what it meant to fancy someone, I didn't know what had hit me. When it ended I was devastated and since then haven't experienced the same attraction for anyone else.
What I think I am experiencing is the result of stunted emotional development due to the overemphasis on the spiritual which I took on consciously when I was 11. I'm lucky that the other lines of development have not been stunted. If the physical line was stunted I would be a dwarf - which I'm not, I'm not that tall but am in line with normal physical development. My social development has also been OK, my intellectual development - debatable because of an uncorrected lazy right eye which I am convinced has resulted in my inability to do mathematics and other left brain tasks. It seems to be the emotional line of development which has been the slowest and most effected. Which as I write this I have seen for the first time the link - that spiritual and emotional cannot occupy the same space. The spiritual is all about transcending the emotional. It is not about transcending feelings. Feelings and emotions are different for me. The spiritual uses feelings it doesn't transcend them.
Feelings have a low charge and are what I call slow in that one can see them when they arise. They are what are responsible for our growth and when allowed to be expressed enhance spiritual development. What often happens though is that feelings are not allowed to be expressed. When this happens the feeling gets a strong energetic charge which changes it to an emotion. Anger is a natural feeling, it is there for growth. When it is not allowed natural expression it becomes suppressed and charged and then is expressed as the emotion of rage. Love is a natural feeling. If it is not allowed free expression, it becomes energetically charged and becomes possession or jealousy. These are what I call fast emotions. Fast in the sense that they explode without the person being aware of them until after the event. I often hear 'I don't know what happened to me, I just got so angry'. This is the natural anger which has been suppressed and pent up so that when it is expressed, it is so fast that while it is happening it is outside the persons awareness.
Yesterday I was thinking about the whole area of desire. I was amazed to come across a paragraph in The Quality of the Soul book about desire. It said that desire was of the personality. The urge to serve is of the soul. I quote from page 138 'Service is a life demonstration. It is the outstanding characteristic of the soul, just as desire is the outstanding characteristic of the lower nature' Is this what is happening to me? I have no desire in terms of wants and needs for myself but I have such a strong urge to serve. This is meant to be the path - the transcendence of the personality to the soul. Then the transcendence of the soul to the spirit. With this last stage comes the end of duality.
Before one begins the spiritual path it is the material world which dominates. The ego works to satisfy all the needs and wants of the personality. But this satisfying is only temporary. No sooner has the personality got one thing it wants, it then wants another. This desire comes about as a result of the senses. We see something nice, then we want it. At some point there will come a realization that this endless craving and wanting does not bring contentment. This is the first shift on the spiritual path. Then instead of the ego indulging the personality it works to discipline it. It does this by allowing the desire to be experienced without satisfying it. After some time doing this the personality will be sufficiently controlled by the ego that the soul can then touch the ego.
Once the ego experiences the touch of the soul it works to serve the soul. This is the point where insight and intuition which is the language of the soul begins to make its presence felt. The first initation which is done energetically is where the consciousness shifts its attention from the ego personality to the soul. After this first initiation there is a definite sense of a path being walked. When the ego merges into the soul one becomes the path. I can use yoga as an example. At the beginning of the path one chooses a form of yoga whether this is Hatha, Raja, Tantra and they appear to be different. After a time they become one. All yoga is aimed at the one thing which is the union of body and mind. What I understand that to mean is the union of the three elements of the personality, the physical (body), emotional (emotions) and mental(thoughts, ideas). When these are in harmony there is more energy available to contact the soul. While the various elements of the personality are in tension and conflict no contact of the soul is possible or if there is, it is fleeting, a glimpse. Soul contact can only be made when the personality is calm, controlled and disciplined. At this point the glimpse becomes stable and enduring.
So today has been a struggle. I have learned though not to resist this but to accept that this is what is there. It's not right or wrong, it is just what is there. Why it's like this today and it wasn't yesterday is of no importance. The spiritual path is totally concerned with surrender, at every moment to surrender what one wants to what IS. This is not an easy thing to do. And I am no saint.....
I am so looking forward to working for this organisation because the focus won't be on me, it will be on others. I think if I had a strong enough desire I wouldn't be in this position. That is the confusing thing is that I don't seem to have any desire so there's no fire in the communication, no flirting, nothing when I am in the company of this guy. Then when I'm on my own. I keep thinking and fantasising. Sometimes I feel like I am going mad. I think I am a late developer because I didn't know what it was to fancy someone until I was in my mid-30's. I used to hear friends saying 'I fancy x' and I used to think 'what is fancy'. Then someone came along who was a lot younger than me and then I was in no doubt what it meant to fancy someone, I didn't know what had hit me. When it ended I was devastated and since then haven't experienced the same attraction for anyone else.
What I think I am experiencing is the result of stunted emotional development due to the overemphasis on the spiritual which I took on consciously when I was 11. I'm lucky that the other lines of development have not been stunted. If the physical line was stunted I would be a dwarf - which I'm not, I'm not that tall but am in line with normal physical development. My social development has also been OK, my intellectual development - debatable because of an uncorrected lazy right eye which I am convinced has resulted in my inability to do mathematics and other left brain tasks. It seems to be the emotional line of development which has been the slowest and most effected. Which as I write this I have seen for the first time the link - that spiritual and emotional cannot occupy the same space. The spiritual is all about transcending the emotional. It is not about transcending feelings. Feelings and emotions are different for me. The spiritual uses feelings it doesn't transcend them.
Feelings have a low charge and are what I call slow in that one can see them when they arise. They are what are responsible for our growth and when allowed to be expressed enhance spiritual development. What often happens though is that feelings are not allowed to be expressed. When this happens the feeling gets a strong energetic charge which changes it to an emotion. Anger is a natural feeling, it is there for growth. When it is not allowed natural expression it becomes suppressed and charged and then is expressed as the emotion of rage. Love is a natural feeling. If it is not allowed free expression, it becomes energetically charged and becomes possession or jealousy. These are what I call fast emotions. Fast in the sense that they explode without the person being aware of them until after the event. I often hear 'I don't know what happened to me, I just got so angry'. This is the natural anger which has been suppressed and pent up so that when it is expressed, it is so fast that while it is happening it is outside the persons awareness.
Yesterday I was thinking about the whole area of desire. I was amazed to come across a paragraph in The Quality of the Soul book about desire. It said that desire was of the personality. The urge to serve is of the soul. I quote from page 138 'Service is a life demonstration. It is the outstanding characteristic of the soul, just as desire is the outstanding characteristic of the lower nature' Is this what is happening to me? I have no desire in terms of wants and needs for myself but I have such a strong urge to serve. This is meant to be the path - the transcendence of the personality to the soul. Then the transcendence of the soul to the spirit. With this last stage comes the end of duality.
Before one begins the spiritual path it is the material world which dominates. The ego works to satisfy all the needs and wants of the personality. But this satisfying is only temporary. No sooner has the personality got one thing it wants, it then wants another. This desire comes about as a result of the senses. We see something nice, then we want it. At some point there will come a realization that this endless craving and wanting does not bring contentment. This is the first shift on the spiritual path. Then instead of the ego indulging the personality it works to discipline it. It does this by allowing the desire to be experienced without satisfying it. After some time doing this the personality will be sufficiently controlled by the ego that the soul can then touch the ego.
Once the ego experiences the touch of the soul it works to serve the soul. This is the point where insight and intuition which is the language of the soul begins to make its presence felt. The first initation which is done energetically is where the consciousness shifts its attention from the ego personality to the soul. After this first initiation there is a definite sense of a path being walked. When the ego merges into the soul one becomes the path. I can use yoga as an example. At the beginning of the path one chooses a form of yoga whether this is Hatha, Raja, Tantra and they appear to be different. After a time they become one. All yoga is aimed at the one thing which is the union of body and mind. What I understand that to mean is the union of the three elements of the personality, the physical (body), emotional (emotions) and mental(thoughts, ideas). When these are in harmony there is more energy available to contact the soul. While the various elements of the personality are in tension and conflict no contact of the soul is possible or if there is, it is fleeting, a glimpse. Soul contact can only be made when the personality is calm, controlled and disciplined. At this point the glimpse becomes stable and enduring.
So today has been a struggle. I have learned though not to resist this but to accept that this is what is there. It's not right or wrong, it is just what is there. Why it's like this today and it wasn't yesterday is of no importance. The spiritual path is totally concerned with surrender, at every moment to surrender what one wants to what IS. This is not an easy thing to do. And I am no saint.....
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