Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Halloween....when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest....

This is not going to be a long blog entry because after being out with a friend for Halloween last night and having too much lager I haven't got up as early as I would like. It was a strange day. I was dreading work because we were moving to another floor. I have made no secret of how I find the work that I do challenging and how sometimes I wish for more of a balance between my left and right brain. Up to now work wasn't too bad because I had a lot of room and my colleagues coudn't hear me when I was on the phone. Today it is going to be so different because in my new working environment we are all much closer together. So there's no more hiding for me. There is no doubt that I am going to find it more stressful. I am going to get dragged into the adult world that I have such a dread of. Jokes are cracked and I don't get them. Yet I am popular! maybe it is because of my inability to respond in a left brained way in a left brained world that makes me a novelty - kind of like a performing monkey! I am still waiting on science to prove my theory about me being right brained. I am sure that all of my stress in life comes from being a right brained woman functioning in a left brained world. How can I write the kind of spiritual things that I do and then be competent in manipulating a spreadsheet!....not possible.

Amongst all the stress of moving my friend who is adopting a baby emailed me to ask me if I would fax a letter to a diagnostics company. I was panicking because I had been moved to one floor and the printer and fax was still on my old floor. I quickly printed off the letter and raced upstairs to retrieve it from the printer. I was relieved when I saw that it printed OK. Then I looked down at the place for the signature. To my confusion she had typed her name differently. I signed with the same name and then faxed it. I carefully keyed in the number and sent the thing through. Then I noticed that a different fax number to the one she had given to me came up on the fax machine. In a flap because of being under pressure as the removal men were waiting to move the printer and fax, I re-keyed in the fax number and sent it through again. The same incorrect number came up. This time I relaxed because I knew not even me could key in the wrong number twice.

Clutching at the paper I returned to my desk on the other floor. I looked at the instructions on the email that I had received from my friend and went hot and cold when there was the instruction for how to sign her name. It wasn't what I had done..aagh...mega headache now at this time. I quickly print off another copy, go back upstairs, find a pen and sign it correctly and then fax it off again. This is three times the same document has been faxed. I can't believe that I could make something this simple so complicated. Sitting back at my desk, my inner terrorist starts with thoughts like 'you stupid thing, now they have three documents with two different signatures', what about if they see this and then don't do what's necessary for her to get this baby'. I was in such a state that I found the number of the organisation where I had faxed the document and spoke to a lady there. She confirmed that she had received all three! pages and I explained that it was only the last one faxed that was to be used. She confirmed that she would use that one. For the first time in one hour I breathed normally! But my headached lasted all day.

It wasn't helped by the closeness of where we are all sitting now. The only saving grace in all of this is that I still have a desk beside the window and when like yesterday I was feeling so tired and overwhelmed I just look out of the window at the kalaidoscope of colour and I know deep down that everything will be OK. I'm feeling like this because I am in a job that doesn't suit me. I knew that particularly yesterday afternoon when I got my own special 'spreadsheet' to monitor. Right brained people hate spreadsheets. At one point the guy came up to ask me about a series of figures and what followed what. I looked at him with such bewilderment that I think he felt pity for me and took it away again saying 'I can do it'. I was so grateful to that soul. I was lucky this time...and up to now. But the nature of what I do is changing and next year will be a defining year for me. If I am still there when I am writing this blog next year then that will be a major achievement.

But tonight I will forget about all of this because I am going to a fireworks display. I have the delight of a child when it comes to fireworks. In the simple firework I see the message that is given to all of us. I have written that from the one comes the many. From the big bang life emerged. Life is nothing more but the experience of opposites. Before the big bang there were no opposites. So there was no concept of up or down, big or small, fat or thin. I say concepts because this is what they are - concepts by which we experience the world. A firework begins as one and then in mid-air explodes into the many. Each of those sparks can seem to have their own individual existence yet they came from the ONE. I am always struck by this so forcefully whenever I lose myself watching fireworks. When I'm watching them I feel very close to how the universe began. I feel close to the presence of something. I have written about this time of year being the time when the veil between the physical and non-physical world is at its thinnest. Maybe this is why fireworks at this time of year hold special significance.

The greatest tribute that I can pay when I am watching the display this evening is to fully connect with what is being communicated through the firework. To let my imagination go and soar with those sparks. To fully enjoy and be present to the experience is the greatest gift we can give.

Life is fascinating. I met my friend last night. This is a friend we means such a lot. We met while I was travelling tracking the life of the Buddha in India and she looked after me when I got sick. When I was recovering from a foot operation she came and stayed with me. I want for her to understand totally how she has been put together as a human so that she can decide whether the decisions she made when she was younger are still powerful in helping her to achieve what she wants to in life. I have often spoken to her about the education I am involved in. While she has always listened politely and has come to a couple of introductory evenings she has never registered to do a weekend. While part of me is saddened about this I was perfectly OK because as a human we have choices and nobody has the right to take away another's choice.

Then one day she was speaking to me about a friend of hers who had just lost her job and didn't know what to do. I told her about the education I do and what I have learned and suggested that her friend might benefit. To my astonishment when I met my friend last night she said that her friend had gone on an introductory evening and had signed up to do the very next weekend! My friend was confused because I don't think she thought her friend would do it. I was delighted because now there is more chance of my friend doing it and as she is so special I want her have access to the best of what is possible in life. I say access because it doesn't come naturally. Having everything you want for yourself and your life takes working at. But if the work is put in with an honest and sincere intention then the results are inevitable.

I wasn't successful in showing my friend what was possible but the opportunity has come via another direction. I was so happy about this last night. It shows that there is always help from the universe whenever the desire is strong enough and it is for the right reasons. The education that I do is not because there is something wrong, or to change or make anything different. It is to get at blind spots that motivate and drive our behaviour that we are not even aware of. I wouldn't have known so much about the way the decisions I made have molded me into who I am if I hadn't done this training. Without a doubt it is the best thing that I have ever done.

I was still thinking about the two young boys of my cousin who have been left without a mother and I felt the most urgent desire to do something. In that split instant I have decided that I am going to train to lead to children and young people. I can't think of anything more inspiring than to be among 100 children and young people and see them dissolve disempowering decisions that they have made to respond to events in their life. Dissolving them before they get a chance to get a grip. Children and young people are the future. It's their right to be free. It's not possible though to be free while there is no recognition of how the human structure has been put together.

I think I would be a very good leader because of my right brain mentality. I have an instant rapport with kids because I operate from the same level. I notice I have a sensitivity around children that many adults don't. My brother called me last night which was so lovely. I was talking to him about the two young boys left without a mother and he was very practical. He gave the example of a neighbour who also lost his wife when his children were young and how they were OK. I had to agree with this but I couldn't escape from the thought 'OK because they had to be'. Without a doubt they made the death of their mother mean something. It's inherent in the design of human to do this so they have done it. It is this meaning that now drives whatever they deem to be important in life. I don't dismiss things that happen to children and young people as easily as adults too. I remember when my two friends came to me at school and said that they didn't want to be friends with me anymore and the pain I felt. When one of my neices was hurt by a friend which I understand is common place I really felt for her and I allowed myself to feel for her. An adult response might be 'it happens, move on'. But I remember the impact on me and how for such a long time afterwards I was alone and didn't want to be friends with anyone.

Off now to get ready for my first full day in my new home.....

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

When we can't see the bigger picture....

Woke up this morning happy but yet with an urgency to contact the guy from the gym to explain why I had been as cold to him as I had on Sunday evening. The insight isn't real until I do this. Unless I call him up and make my insight come alive, it only exists in my head. It is in the sharing of the insight and its impact on me and him that it comes alive. I resisted this for such a long time. Firstly because I didn't know how what I wanted to say would come out. I also didn't know if it would make any sense to him. One thing I was sure of though was that he was owed an explanation and an apology. One could argue that because I didn't understand what was happening that I have nothing to say sorry for. But this is just me wanting to be right and to look good and also not to put myself in the position of being vulnerable. I can't believe that I made a decision when I was a young child to decide to trust people by how well they did what they said they would do. This was setting myself up for failure on a royal scale and so it has proved up to now. Nobody could live up to this ideal all of the time. As a result all of my relationships were doomed from the start. I can't imagine what the rest of my life would be like if I didn't get this insight. What I am struck by is how hidden and deep this decision has been and how strongly it has impacted on my life and those who I am close to. I know too that this decision and its links with trust would have become stronger as I got older not weaker. I would have been facing a future lonely and alone. Without an ability to trust there is no future other than loneliness.

The effect of this insight was on a par with seeing how significant I make my relationship to food. It had the same resonation to the core of me. I walked to work through the park, with a new and deeper connection to the russset coloured leaves and arrived into work. Immediately I shared the insight with a guy in the office. I don't know if he was a bit uneasy with it but he didn't let me ramble on for too long before he made a stupid joke. This caught me a bit off guard but instead of feeling angry that I had been stopped in mid-flow I just went with it. I can open up the conversation again sometime if needs be. My whole attitude to work has also shifted. On Monday I could barely keep my eyes open I was so tired. I know from experience that tiredness is a form of resistance. I was tired because there was something I was resisting. Something was draining me of energy. That something was the pressure I was putting on myself to maintain the link between integrity and trust when it wasn't a true or real link. The resistance was to prevent me taking on looking at it and the design of human resisting because the ego personality sensed a deep threat to an aspect of its existence. The link was something I made up. It's impossible to continually defend something that is not real. Yet that is what I have been doing for all of my life. I got to see that, see it's unrealness and give it up. In the giving up the energy that was trapped in maintaining that false belief became freed and as a result the tiredness that was so strong on Monday and Monday evening lifted.

I was so happy at work and participated fully in everything that was going on and I became more alive. This is in direct contrast to Monday when I just sat at my desk completely checked out to everything and everyone. At lunchtime I walked outside still savouring the significance of the breakthrough that I had had. But for how many years was this hidden from my view this is both the amazing and scary thing. I had no idea that I had made integrity mean trust. I would write that integrity meant power but the reality for me was that it meant trust. To see that it doesn't mean this at all is just so freeing. Someone can now not do what they say they will do and it won't affect how much I trust them. As a result I won't get upset to the degree that I used to. It will probably still irritate me but I will be able to get over it and it won't dictate the quality of my communication in the future.

I came home and the feeling to call the man from the gym and explain all of this filled me with dread but I knew that I had to do it. He deserves that much. I picked up the phone and he answered, but it wasn't a good time so he said he would call me back. He said 'I'll call you at 9pm, oh no it will be 9.30pm' I had to smile as I got the impact that my obsession with him doing things when he said he would had had on him, he was wary now of what he committed to. I was so much softer when I said 'that's OK whenever you're done there'. He called before 9.30pm! and I was hesitant. I had been so ready when I called him that when there was a delay my inner terrorist had started to go on a rant with thoughts like 'he'll think you're mad, what are you going to get from telling him this, just let it go, you can tell him on Sunday'. With all this going on between my ears and no nice calming three word instructions from my intuition I was nervous when he called.

I began off by saying that my coldness was because I made him wrong for being late and then before I knew it I was telling him everything about how I had made integrity mean trust. And what an unreal pressure I had put on myself and him by doing this. On the phone it was difficult to gauge whether or not he understood. He said he did. It was good of him not to give me a hard time about it. I don't know what happens from here. He was a lesson for me to be able to see this properly for the first time. The correct seeing came from an intense desire to understand what was going on and to give it up. I couldn't have done it without him. For that I will always be grateful to him. I'm back to the gym on Sunday so it will be interesting to see if as a result of this shift there is a deeper connection than there was.

I knew that after getting this insight that I had to make it come alive by sharing it. I want to thank the person who sent me the comment about not limiting my insights to this blog. He also pushed me to do what I knew I had to do which was to apologise and share what I learned. I didn't publish the comment until now because I wanted to address it in this blog entry. Unless insights are shared then they don't come out of the head and are not effective. Sharing them makes them real. I am going to share this at my next seminar session. All during this seminar I have sat rooted in my chair when people have been asked to go up to the mike at the top of the room and share insights and new ways of seeing things that they are getting from the seminar.

A couple of times I have shared on other seminars and each time I've sat back in my chair and wished I hadn't done it. Afterwards my mind was full of thoughts like 'you've made yourself look stupid', why didn't you say what you had prepared to say, what came out of your mouth was a lot of drivel'. As a result of all of this I have rarely shared. What I see now is these thoughts are all the workings of the ego personality. I know this, because they are solely concerned with me and my feelings and how I look to others. This is classic ego personality and up to now it has had the upper hand - well no more. Next week I am going to put my mind up to share even if when I'm called I don't have anything prepared to say. What I understand now is that it is not about me and about how I feel. It is about how what I might say might cause an insight for another. For me to deny someone this because I'm afraid that what I say won't be understood and I won't look good is to make the ego personality stronger and my soul weaker. Spirit only wants a vehicle to fly through, it doesn't care what that vehicle is. This is my commitment through this blog to my session at the seminar. It is also my commitment to weaken further the human structure to allow the spiritual essence from the form to escape. Every time we take on an insight and free up the energy that was blocking the insight from coming into our consciousness is a shift closer to the experience of the spiritual.

This evening I received some sad news from my mum. The wife of my cousin died of cancer this evening. She leaves behind a husband and two boys younger than 10. My heart goes out to those young boys. What are they going to make her death mean. What are they going to decide it means about life. I don't know what they are going to make it mean but I know without a doubt that in their heads they are going to make it mean something. They have to to make sense of it. It is in the nature of human to make things mean something so that we can make sense of the world. My hope is that what they make it mean will be empowering and not disempowering. A mother leaving young boys is particularly tragic because of the well researched bond that exists between sons and their mothers. Mothers will often deny this by saying 'I love of all of my children equally' but it is the attraction of opposites that work to bond sons with their mothers and daughters with their father. I didn't know the mother that well but I know my cousin very well. I can't begin to understand what he is going through. Not so long ago another cousin of mine died leaving 7 children all under 17. These seem particularly tough events. But I cannot see the bigger picture and so am loathe to judge....

Monday, 29 October 2007

Integrity is the foundation for power not trust.....

I'm writing this at 5am because I learned something about myself last night that was too much of a shock to write about late last night when I returned home. The guy from the gym finally turned up on Sunday evening but I was so cold. I tried hard not to be but something had shifted. There was a defensive there on my side. I had to make a conference call and he left. After he left I felt really down and wondered why I had had such a bad reaction to him being late. My way of being with him was out of proportion to what he did. All he had done was to be late. I heard 3pm and he turned up at 3.45pm. It's no big deal so why did it colour my attitude towards him.

I had my conference call and talked to my group about what had happened. They told me that I had made him wrong for being late and punished him for it. I could see that yes, I had done this but I felt that there was something more, something deeper. I went to bed hugely troubled and as I have often written the state of the mind last thing before one sleeps determines both the quality of sleep and how deep and calm that sleep is. My sleep was none of these things. I kept waking up and then when the alarm clock went off kept hitting the snooze button and would have given anything to have stayed in bed. I knew that I had a blog entry written for Sunday so there was no urgency there. But it's strange, no matter what turbulence and earthquakes are going on in my head I don't give into all of that by calling in sick. No matter what is going on in my head I will go to work. I know that one great skill I have for dealing with it is the witness. I watch what goes on in my head without getting absorbed into it. I see the turbulence, but I don't engage with it. Seeing it doesn't make it lessen in intensity. I believe that by watching the mind with its thoughts in this way that eventually there will be freedom from the thoughts. That freedom will come as the part that watches the thoughts becomes stronger and the thoughts themselves become weaker.

I walked to work and as always the being out in nature really did calm the troubled mind. I was aware though that it wasn't the usual deep peace and calm. My head was still full of my over-reaction and behaviour to the guy in the gym. I arrived into work incredibly restless. I turned on my computer and gazed out of my window at the views over London. I was aware that I really didn't want to be there. I didn't know where I wanted to be but it wasn't there. I had the strangest feeling of something major going to happen but I didn't know what. I knew that I had to get a new washing machine because my old one is beyond repair but it seemed to be more than that.

I settled into the day but I couldn't concentrate on anything for very long. What is this deep restlessness. I kept thinking about how cold I was with the guy in the gym. Here I am preaching about the connection and unity that comes when we recognise that there is no separation only the appearance of separation and what do I do, treat someone in such a separate way. My friend who had hurt me by making a comment about being a fool at the end of last week came up to me and was so different. She told me that I looked tired and I said that I was. I said how her comment had hurt but part of that hurt was maybe because I knew that there was a kernal of truth in what she said. To someone who may never have had an inner experience where the consciousness shifted from the external world to the inner world, putting energies and effort into nurturing and developing this shift can be seen as foolish, I understand this. It doesn't make it any less frustrating but I understand it. It is only experience that allows one to know.

I got through the day and got ready to go to my seminar. I have got so much out of this seminar. From learning not to make having a balanced and healthy relationship to food so significant I have a much better relationship to it. I decided to bring to the seminar the intent to have an insight into why I make integrity mean so much. Why do I break down when someone says they will do something and then don't do it. I started to think about this. I have written before that integrity is the foundation for power. With integrity everything works, without it nothing works. I was thinking about this and then I had an insight which totally shocked me. I write that integrity is the foundation for power but in my world integrity is the foundation and determinant of trust. The degree to which I trust someone depends on how well or not they keep their integrity. This really shocked me because integrity is not about trust but I made it to be. When I looked into it more deeply I saw that when I was younger I saw my dad doing what he said he would do and I trusted him. Then I decided that integrity would be my barometer for how much I trusted people. Gosh no wonder my relationships didn't last long. Nobody can maintain the level of integrity I demanded to gain and maintain my trust.

Not keeping one's integrity is inherent in the human condition. To maintain integrity takes working at so the amount of trust I had in someone was dependent on them being in integrity every time we met. If they kept their integrity I trusted them, if they didn't I didn't and after that point the relationship was doomed. I would soon after do something to sabotage it because in my head a lack of integrity meant a lack of trust. Gosh, how difficult has it been to be easy and relaxed around me when my friendships and relationships have been built on such shifting sand. Now I understand the irritation I felt when someone was late or didn't turn up. To me, it wasn't that they just didn't turn up it was a direct errosion of the trust I had in them. It was this errosion of trust and not the lack of integrity that created the turmoil and upset in my mind.

So that the next time we met when they had a perfectly good reason for why he/she didn't do what they said they would, it didn't matter. I didn't have the same level of trust. Those who kept their integrity I trusted and felt safe around, those who didn't I blocked out. Gosh, what a tough way to go through life. Maybe this is why I turned so heavily to the spiritual because I could control the level of integrity and therefore the level of trust.

Integrity isn't a foundation for trust, it can't be because it's too volatile because of the unreliable nature of human being. Integrity is a foundation for power because power is more stable. It is built up gradually by proving to the universe that there is integrity in what is said and done. That it is honest, without pretence and reliable. This has nothing to do with trust, I see this now. I could turn this insight around and say that this is a characteristic of the consciousness of the right brain but to do this would be to make it fit my theory. This I won't do. This insight has been a huge shock to me but as a result I am going to give up making integrity be a determinant of trust. Someone not keeping their integrity and not doing what they say they will do will be just that, someone not keeping their word. I won't decide that it means that I no longer trust that person and as a result my head won't be filled with the turbulence and upset there is usually when I experience a threat to my trust that is triggered off by a lack of integrity.

If I hadn't defined this blog as a spiritual blog I would not be writing this on the Internet. I am writing it to show how deep the decisions that we make as children in the design of human are. I didn't know this was what I decided about people who didn't do what they said they would do and yet it is what has run through all of my relationships both male and female. It took a real commitment to accept that my way of relating was not working and a courage to look to see why. As you can imagine I wasn't thrilled to see this and could do nothing else when I came home except go immediately to bed. Luckily I slept which is why I am clearer as I write this early Tuesday morning. If I had written it last night it would probably have been more rambling and less easy to understand.

After the evening I walked to the tube.. I was still reeling by the insight and really saw the impact on my friends and family of me judging how much I trusted people by how well they did what they said they would do and I felt so sorry and ashamed. As I started at the top of the escalator I could hear beautiful music being played from the busker a the bottom. It was so soothing and just what I needed. Grateful, I found some change and gave it to him. I was rewarded with the most brilliant smile which lifted me from the dark place I was in. My train pulled in and I got on. There was no empty seat and then this young guy stood up in front of me and offered me his seat!.....I couldn't believe it. I wasn't that much older than him! In that split second I knew that I had a choice to make a difference to this guy's experience of giving up his seat to a woman. I could make a big deal about 'not appreciating being seen as an 'older woman' and embarass him, or I could show true delight and appreciation at the gesture, I chose to do the latter and I could tell by his attitude that he was delighted to have done it and the chances are that he will do it again in the future.

In today's world of equality that guy took a chance. If I had an emotional charge about getting older and appearing 'old' to the younger generation this would have acted as a trigger for me to have made a fuss. This may have resulted in the guy making the decision not to offer up his seat to another woman ever again. But it was more than that for me, it was confirmation that even though I can consider myself to be the worst in the world, that little messages that come to me like that reassure me that when it comes to the real purpose of my life, my ultimate game, which is to make a difference that I continue to be OK. I cling to these messages from the universe so tightly and especially on days when my mind is very turbulent. I can be a mess, yet the universe never fails me. This is the spiritual path, trusting in the midst of chaos.

I've just seen a sentence in the Course in Miracles that says 'Learning and wanting to learn are inseparable. You learn best when you believe what you are trying to learn is of value to you'. This is why I put myself through the vigorous self-analysis that I do. I believe that doing this is going to be of benefit for when the consciousness shifts to the next kingdom.

Before the seminar I got a free London paper and went to read it while I waited for a friend who I half-expected to turn up to come with me as a guest for the evening. I couldn't believe it when I turned to page 2 and read the heading 'Happy mediums open at Selfridges'. It went on to say that Selfridges is 'launching Britain's first in-store psychic school this week! This is amazing. It goes on 'it will meet the demand from customers who want to gain a deeper knowledge of their own spiritual powers'. So this shift is happening. Slowly and gradually but it is happening. We are all responsible for the speed of our own shift of consciousness but there is a growing recognition of the power within. This recognition will only grow stronger as time goes on.

Now I must get ready for another work.....feeling so much freer and happier than I did yesterday morning.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

Who to be wary and women of the cloth...

This morning I woke up naturally at 5am and I did something that I never do. I reached an arm from under my duvet cover and hit the on button on my radio. The first words I heard were 'to be effective one has to be forthright'. The comment referred to a man called Sir David King who is the Government Chief Scientific Adviser and Head of the Government Office of Science in England. This statement got me thinking about whether I would be more effective if I were more forthright but then again for me to be any more forthright would border on aggressive so maybe not.

Because I am still not allowed to do the class on Sunday morning I decided to go to mass again. It was a good feeling last week. My friend called me and I spoke to her about my fears that this blog might be taken off the internet if what I write becomes too controversial. She reassured me that there is no way that this would happen. It would only happen if it was illegal. But lately I have read of video clips being taken off You Tube and thought it could happen to this blog. But she told me that to do that I would have to be contacted beforehand. I was delighted to hear this. Thanked her and hung up the phone. I got myself ready to go to mass.

This blog entry is going to be a disjointed while I go back over some history before I get to today so bear with me. One Sunday a while ago at mass the parish priest was speaking about the need for tolerance for and acceptance of other faiths. I was inspired by this. I had the idea to hold a meditation course so I called the parish office and explained to the lady that I wanted to rent one of the rooms in the parish centre. I explained that it was for Buddhist meditation. She said that she would get the parish priest to call me. This was the same parish priest who had preached tolerance of other faiths and philosophies from the altar.

He called me and when I explained that it was Buddhist meditation said 'that I couldn't have the room if it wasn't for Christian meditation! My immediate thought was 'you hypocrite' I tried to explain that Jesus had said 'the kingdom of heaven is within' and that Buddhist meditation was a technique to make real what Jesus said, to discover the truth that everything is within one, there is no need to look outside of oneself' . To this he said 'that isn't what Jesus meant'. I asked to meet him to discuss it? But he said 'no' that he had nothing further to say on the matter. I then said to him 'OK but do me a favour, the next time you are on the pulpit don't be such a hypocrite. I heard your sermon about tolerances for further faiths and practices but when it comes to it, they are only words'. I said goodbye and then hung up.

I have made no secret of my distrust of religion and its institutions and this man to me represents the damage that religion has done. When I reached the church I saw him standing outside and to my relief he had the robes on. This meant that he had said the mass before and wouldn't be saying this one which I was delighted about because I really dislike the man. He just oozes superiority and arrogance.

The music started up to signal the start of the mass. To my horror the priest saying this mass was none other than Shrek, the same man in the green robes. My inner voice was on a rant as he walked piously up to the altar. I have a deep distrust of both men and women of the cloth. My favourite episode of Father Ted is where the old man Jack is in a wheelchair. He pushes open a door and seeing a nun shouts 'nun, reverse'. I love this clip because it is exactly how I feel. It is why I decided at a young age to follow a spiritual and not a religious path. Today again I was reminded of that decision and recommitted to it again.

One of the readings was the story about the tax man and the pharisee. In a nutshell it's about the pharisee who is very pious and congratulating himself for how full of faith he is. Then there is the tax man who is beating his breast and begging God for help for being the sinner he is'. The moral of the parable is that it is the tax man who gets close to heart of God and not the pharisee. I think it is similar to if a man who drives a 4 x 4 gives it up and gets a bicycle. If when he gets the bicycle he congratulates himself for being better than those who are still driving 4 x 4s' then the man who continues to drive the 4 x 4 is technically closer to God because he is more honest. He is driving a 4 x 4 and is happy and proud and thus is honest. Whereas the man who did drive a 4 x 4 and gave it up for a bicycle feels himself to be more superior. I know from experience that this feeling superior because of being on a path less travelled is severely punished. I really understood this parable when it was read today.

Then it came to the sermon. This is the priests' 10 minutes of power when everyone in the church is trapped in the seat at the mercy of a short or long sermon depending on the ego of the priest. The nightmare in green drew himself up and leaned over the pulpit and said in a deadly serious voice 'who are you sitting in your seats, are you the tax man or the pharisee'. I could feel the hackles rise on the back of my neck and my inner voice upped the pace of its rant. A rant that went something like 'this is very close to bullying', horrible man', insult to God' Then he produced some words from a Brendan O'Reilly. I've done a search on Google but can't bring up anything that might have been vaguely connected with the sermon that was given.

Looking and sounding very smug he spoke about 'the good old days when everyone knew the difference between a practicing and a non-practicing catholic'. He continued 'nowadays it's not so clear cut because there are a couple of new breed of catholic. First there is the lapsed catholic. This is someone who has survived a catholic education (even when there were no nuns -his words!) and then declared that they are lapsed catholic but that doesn't mean that they no longer are a catholic and dare anyone to tell them that they are not a catholic. They are just lapsed'.

Then he launched into the second category of the new breed of catholic. He spoke about the 'shadow catholic'. This is someone who 'has decided that the quality of the experiences he/she has do not fit with the catholic doctrine and dogma and decide not to practice but he/she has children so going to mass will be good for the children. So they go to mass but it is 'only for the children'. They take the children until such a time that the children can make up their own mind and then leave it like he/she did. It wasn't so much what he said but the tone in which he said it that irritated me. I felt that he was sneering down at the congregation. At the end he said 'maybe God is more merciful than me' - santimonious prig I can't stand the man. I'm not going to run the risk of having to suffer him saying mass again so it's great that I'm back to the gym next Sunday.

It is no secret that if a parent wants to get their child into a catholic school being seen at mass is a must. A friend of mine used to live in London before moving to America and when we met for coffee after mass every sunday she would tell me how she hoped that her kids would get into the local catholic school which was why she took them to mass. I think that the clergy should look a little closer to home and ask why Catholics are desserting in droves and do something about that. Not stand up at the altar and make people wrong. This is inexcusable and is an example of what religion has done to people down through the years. No-one challenged what he said today and this is exactly how religion has done the damage it has down through the years. It's never challenged. Religion has put spirituality in a straight jacket and the clergy are the guardians to ensure that the straight jacket stays in place. But we are heading for a shift. It began with the exposure of paedophilia among the clergy and will continue to breakdown as people begin to have those inner experiences that don't fit with the catholic dogma and as a result find their own way.

I'm writing this waiting for the guy from the gym to arrive. Integrity to time is definitely not his strong point. I feel myself irritated and this is just as a friend. There's no way I could deal with this if a relationship was to develop. I still make integrity, keeping one's word and doing what you say you will do so significant that it causes me to suffer when it breaks down. I'm aware that it's only me who suffers and I suffer because I make lateness mean that the person doesn't want to spend time with me, lateness acts as a trigger for my insecurity. When this has happened in the past I have got upset and totally blamed the other person. Now I know it is because of the meaning I give to it which was hidden from my view in the past. Now I know that what I am upset with is the meaning and as the meaning is only a story I can give it up and be upset for the fact that he didn't show up when he said he would without making it mean anything else. In this way I have power and don't revert back to victim mode like I would have done in the past. By dealing with it like this I weaken the ego personality and strengthen the soul.....

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Panic over....I'm in.....

I'm back! It must have been something in the google operations on the other computer which resulted in me not being able to get in to write a new post. I am aware though that what I write is controversial. I have a duty as a writer to also be responsible. To take responsibility for how what I write might impact on those who are reading it. This is something that up to now I hadn't really taken on. I understand now that my own ideas about what's going to happen are only that, ideas and as a result I resolve to only deal with things as they happen. I am not a prophet in that I can't foresee what is going to happen in the future. I get strong feelings and intuitions but these are subjective, personal to me. It is me coming from ego to pretend that I know anything over and above these subjective and personal intuitions.

On the screen saver on the computer I was using today was the most beautiful autumn scene. Russet coloured leaves formed a canopy over the ground leaving a shadow. I sat and gazed so often at this. Now I am sitting at home I can recreate the scene in my mind. That is the beauty of seeing something once, it can always be recreated to give the same peace and calm and nurturing that it did on first seeing it.

I called the nursing home today to see how my dad was doing. I spoke to a lovely nurse who said such lovely things about my dad and the gentle man he is. As she was speaking I felt a real longing to see him. I was delighted to hear that he is doing well. I feel strongly that we will have a drink together at Christmas which will be lovely.

I'm knackered now and am meeting a friend for a drink so I'll sign out confident that I can get back into it tomorrow evening. The experience was good though in making me see my responsibility in maintaining a blog of this nature.

Not sure what is going on....

Today I tried to get into this blog via another computer and was asked to sign in with my username and password. When I did this in the way that I usually do it said that it didn't recognise my username. I have always used the same user name. I am aware that what I write in this blog is controversial. Luckily I left the posting window open on my screen before I went out today. This is how I am able to write this entry. I don't know what will happen when I sign out and want to sign back in again. If this blog does go dead, I promise it is nothing to do with me and my lack of commitment and integrity to maintaining it.

Today was a great day. It was so inspiring hearing what magic people are bringing to their lives. I was different too. I listened more and went much more into their world and as a result it was so rewarding. To be honest not being able to get in to write the blog before has left me nervous so I am going to sign out and if I can get back in again I will write a longer entry. It is not authentic for me to write now.

If I can't get back a sincere thank you to those who have read it and for the person who sent comments. If any of it has caused offence then I'm sorry. That was never the intent. All of this may be premature....let's hope so!

Friday, 26 October 2007

Tiredness as a form of resistance.....

Today I was so tired at work. I know that tiredness is a form of resistance. I was tired because I wasn't being inspired. After I finish the seminar evenings I should be tired because I will have been up from very early in the morning but I'm not. Leaving work I am tired but then I get into the environment of possibility and making things happen in the world and I get so enthusiastic and inspired.

I had a phone call from one of the people in my group. When he asked me how I was. I was flippant and said that I was fine. Then he said 'what's really going on for you'. When he said this I could feel panic within me as my mind scrabbled for a kind of non-commital answer. He then said 'I get the feeling that for you your mind dominates over your heart'. I thought this was so interesting He then said 'for me it is my heart that dominates and then you have power, there is no power when the mind dominates over the heart'. This is so true. Wisdom without compassion is sterile and compassion without wisdom is to be a fool. When he said this I wondered if it is because I live so much in my head and not in my emotions or feelings that all of my insights happen in my head and don't translate into being powerful out there in the world.

I have written before about the lines of development of the human, the physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual. I have always viewed the emotional and spiritual to be opposite to each other. To be spiritual one has to have control over emotion. But does control mean total suppression. In the past I thought it did, now I'm not so sure. It is this working to control my emotions that I have done for much of my life which may have caused the disconnect between my head and my heart. When it comes to theory and understanding there is no-one to really beat me (said with a certain amount of arrogance, not to be taken seriously!) but when it comes to identifying what the emotions are that are driving me, I'm sure my teenage nieces are more self-aware when it comes to emotions than me.

After the phone-call I just sat on my sofa thinking 'wow'. To be shown an insight like that, for me to think about and if it serves me to take on and if not let go is powerful teaching that came to me from the universe via another. It will be interesting to see if my assisting agreement tomorrow is different as a result of this insight. If I will be able to connect with anothers heart first by establishing where they are right at this moment and then moving into their heads and hearing about their ideas about what they want to create for the future.

I was thinking again about the difference between the ego and soul and how to have one is not to have the other and wondering why they are so separate. In my re-reading of the Course in Miracles I came across this sentence which made it clearer for me 'nothing can reach spirit from the ego, and nothing can reach the ego from spirit (I also think it applies to soul which is one step below spirit. Soul is consciousness, Spirit is awareness) Spirit can neither strengthen the ego nor reduce the conflict within it. The ego is a contradiction. Your self and God's self are in opposition. They are opposed in source, in direction and outcome. They are fundamentally irreconcilable because spirit cannot perceive and ego cannot know.

I have emboldened those last few words because for me they identify the root of what Buddhists call Maya - the world of illusion. The ego is man-made, it arose when consciousness shifted from the animal to the human kingdom. Animals don't have an ego in terms of deciding what they want. Animals operate on instinct not ego. Ego or self-determination entered in at the shift from the third to the fourth kingdom - animal to human. Because it is of our making, it is not real but we act as though it is and will do anything to defend our belief in its realness.

It is the ego that sees things as different and separate and in so doing is in direct conflict with spirit. The nature of spirit is that it cannot see difference. The split mind which yoga and other spiritual practices aim to heal is to realise that the ego is man-made and give it up so that it can re-unite with spirit. It is from spirit that it originally came. This is why when we can see through the stories we have created about things that have happened as just stories and not facts, that we can give them up. It is that 'giving up' because of correct seeing for the first time that re-unites ego and spirit. Or more correctly where ego transcends to spirit. It merges with spirit because it was never truly separate. It is only the energy that was invested in believing it to be separate that maintained its existence. Free up that trapped energy and the separation disappears....

It's going to be a long day tomorrow. My washing machine has packed up so I have to juggle it so that the washing machine has been fixed and I'm in time for my agreement. To be honest I am feeling apprehensive about meeting the woman who was so keen that I take responsibility for the breakdown that happened last Saturday. As I write this I can feel the flutter in my stomach which I recognise as the uncertainty of not knowing what to do when I'm dragged so deeply into the adult world....

Thursday, 25 October 2007

The importance of being mindful.....

I'm finding it difficult to write this blog entry. I think this is because I have declared this blog to be a spiritual record and sometimes I don't feel spiritual.. What I mean by that is that I aim to see a spiritual purpose in everything that happens to me and around me. Sometimes though, like today the day is kind of humdrum and I don't look for the spiritual possibilities in human events. The day began as normal with me getting up to write my blog. I then showered and walked to work.

Once at work I turned on my computer and then gazing out at the view from my window I felt a restlessness and impatience. I'm so aware that the work I am doing is not making a difference to the lives of others and yet I insist in staying there so I can pay my mortgage. I speak of the importance of courage and yet it is me who is showing so little courage that I am selling my soul for a paycheck. I look at my colleagues who are so good at their job and often think how much easier my life would be if I was more left brained than right. But then I immediately check myself and feel ashamed that I should think this given all the grace I have been given.

All during today I was restless. I had a phone call with my brother and it had turned my cosy largely uncomplicated world upside down. What I was amazed at though was how calm I was when we were discussing what was quite upsetting. What I realised is that up to now I haven't taken responsibility for things in the human realm. My thinking was 'I am spiritual' normal everyday things don't bother me and as a result I haven't taken responsibility for some of the decisions I have made that are now coming back to haunt me. But ignorance is no defence. My sense of foreboding that I started this week with has now got a shape and it's real and is not going to go away. As a result of this phone call I was distracted for much of the day. I put papers down and then couldn't find them. I was short tempered with colleagues. Where was all my spiritual training now. The human qualities of fear and apprehension and wanting something to go away was much stronger than my preaching on acceptance of every situation as the way it is.

After work I went to the first evening of another seminar that I am doing. I blossom when I am in an environment where the sole reason and purpose of life is the transformation of others and then of life itself. When I am listening to all of this I have a deep sense of peace and contentment that is only matched by going out in nature. I didn't have time to eat anything before the start of the seminar so I bought a fruit bar for afterwards. When the evening finished I convinced myself that I hadn't eaten anything since lunch except a biscuit mid-way through the afternoon so therefore I must be hungry. I sat in my car and was so hell bent on eating my bar that I started up the car and moved off without any lights!

Completely ignorant of the fact that I had no lights on I set off on a busy London road. I turned the corner to get out of the road and continued past a couple of sets of traffic lights. I didn't notice anything wrong. Then suddenly there was this police car flashing its lights furiously behind me. Firstly I was confused. If it wanted to get out then why didn't it go. Then suddenly I had a thought that froze me and I realised that my lights weren't on and knew that the disco lights were for me. I saw an arm go out of the driver's window signalling me to pull over. I did this and the burly man said 'please get out and stand at the back of the car'. I did this. He then said 'you have been driving up until a couple of minutes ago without any lights'. I explained that 'yes I was aware of that now'. He looked at me keenly and said 'have you been drinking'. I answered honestly 'no'. He then said 'are you sure'. I said 'no I've been at a fantastic seminar and my mind was so full of things I had learned that I drove off without putting on the lights. I am very sorry officer'.

There was one of those full and pregnant pauses where my mind was going crazy with thoughts like 'oh God where is this going to end' and 'I'm going to get a fine for dangerous driving, this is all I need with what I am already dealing with'. All of this was going through my head but the amazing thing was how calm I was. He appeared satisfied with my explanation or maybe there was no other option for him. He let me go with a warning to be 'more careful driving around London'. Getting back into the car I was shaky. How could I have been so stupid as to drive the car without any lights. And yet, here was the universe again being its usual kind and benevolent self with a gentle reprimand. It was a huge lesson to me in the importance of being mindful.

As a result of this I have never felt less spiritual. I feel like a failure as a human with zero potential to make the transformation to the spiritual. I am sure that there are some readers feeling the same about me. Some may be asking why has she set herself up to be this human case study when all it's doing is making her look stupid. When I ask myself why I am continuing to promote this blog as a spiritual one when all it is doing is demonstrating how non spiritual I am, I am reminded of some of the words on the tape I received from a medium/clairvoyant I wrote to years ago. I wrote to this guy following the first experience of when energy rose from the base of my spine. It was in a perfectly ordinary setting - at work on a Saturday morning when I was in the office with a colleague. In my letter I spoke about my years studying Buddhism, my trip to India, the inner voice that told me to 'give everything up' when returned from India and wondered what to do and then this experience that resulted in a peace and calm that I never had before. I asked him what the experience was and what it meant for me. I have spoken about my wariness of people who contact spirits from the metaphysical world. There is no doubting the Truth of the messages that come through this channel but I question whether the source of the message is their own consciousness that they then attribute to something else. This man contacts the Ascended Masters and they speak through him.

What I liked about the way this guy dealt with my letter was that he didn't go straight into a reading by the Masters. He explained on the tape that he wanted to give me an impression of what the letter said to him and what he felt it meant before he handed over to the Masters. I felt greatly reassured by this and it made me listen to what he said more intently. What he and then the Masters said is lengthy. I am going to copy just a couple of sentences. It is these sentences that drive me to keep going when everything is screaming at me to stop. This is the only thing that makes me write this blog when like this morning at 5am it is the very last thing I want to do.

Extract from reading: And I feel that this experience needs to be shared. Not to be understood or examined or taught but simply to be shared. And the sharing of the story in combination with the peace and the harmony that you radiate and the human frailty that you still exhibit, your fears and your concerns and your unknowing I think will have a very alchemical affect on people, I think it will change and shift them. I think it will inspire them and give them hope. And in a world where there isn’t a great deal of inspiration or hope particularly in the spiritual community which is one based on many many false promises and false prophesies I think your story would change peoples lives - Edwin Courtenay - well known clairvoyant in London. His website is

This reading was given to me in 2002. It has taken me until a year ago to prepare myself to take this on. As I have often written I am ordinary. What I am committing to is hugely scary for me. There is nothing I would like more than to ignore all this but there is something that wants me to be bigger than I want to be and it is to this that I am responding but also fighting against. When I first listened to the tape the enormity of what I seemed to be asked to do was just so big that I promptly forgot about the tape and its contents. I remembered it again five years later when I had almost finished writing my book 'Journey to Self'. One morning I woke up and my first thought was about finding the tape and putting it into the book. I have transcribed the full reading in my book.

So when I am riddled by doubts about my experiences and their purpose I am reminded of these words. And when like today I am feeling shaky about the shifts that are happening in my life I put these aside and share to 'change people's lives and give them inspiration and hope'. The path from perception and judgement to knowledge and acceptance through the certainty of knowing is not well lit. It involves nothing less than full and complete surrender to the will of a benevolent universe......

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

What arises from taking on responsibility....

I walked to work today through the park. It was cold but yet there was a freshness about the experience. I walk with my head held high connecting with the sky and the trees. I was struck walking by the number of people I met who were walking with their heads down. I wanted to stop each one and make them aware of the beauty that was all around them if they lifted up their heads. I guess that like me when I meditate their heads were full of thoughts about how to get through the day. This is a joke on the part of the design of human. Giving time and attention to thoughts will never bring relief from them. To get relief and peace one has to go out of the mind and thoughts. To think that by continually examing and analysing our thoughts that one day we will sort everything out is to be caught in the cruellest joke. It is like the mind that is in essence a thief, becoming a detective to catch itself, the thief. It can't be done because of the illusory nature of the mind. So to get peace come out of the mind and connect with nature. Then in that space of no thoughts the peace and calm that is our natural essence and way of being can arise.

I called my manager for my assisting agreement. I explained that my agreement on Saturday had broken down. I took complete responsibility for it and requested training for how to be effective on the phone speaking with graduates. It was great. There was no pent up tension, no rant about how hurt I had been. None of that was important. What seemed important was to put in place measures to ensure that I would have the training so that I wouldn't upset somebody else to the degree that they would complain about me. I was explaining to him why when I was first being spoken to about my attitude on the phone that I couldn't understand what was being said to me by my supervisor. I couldn't get beyond hurt and angry to take responsibility for what I had done. On Sunday morning I saw exactly how the way I had been on the phone with the lady who told me she was stressed had caused her to complain.

I explained to my manager that when I see things then I will take responsibility. I won't take responsibility for things that I don't see. Then he said something that made me think. He said 'why don't you try taking on responsibility even though you don't see it'. He went on to explain that he was leading a seminar session a week ago and the person who was to assist him called on the day of the seminar to say that she couldn't make it. He said 'I took full responsibility for the breakdown'. I didn't understand this and I said 'why are you taking responsibility for somebody else's lack of integrity, the person said that she would assist you and then broke her word, that's not your responsibility. He replied 'I didn't contact this person, I didn't even know her name, all I knew was that I would have someone to assist me there'. This made me think. Is it possible that every time someone doesn't keep their integrity to me it is because there is something in the way I have been being with them that makes them break their word. This is a big thing to consider and was hugely confronting for me.

I have said that my game is Mastery. This involves me being alert and aware to messages that come to me from the universe via others. Was there something in what he said for me to take on to be the Master that I want to be. In the past I have always thought I have no responsibility for how someone takes what I say. I only have the responsibility to ensure that what I say comes from an open and sincere heart. To suddenly now be responsible for how someone receives what I say is a different ball game. It will require me to be more sensitive to the reactions of others to things I say than I have been in the past. To listen more and to check in with them that they have understood what I have been saying. Also for me to ensure that I have understood what they have been saying to me. This is going to require a whole new and deeper level of communication from me.

I came home and cooked some dinner. I called my mum to find out how my dad was. He is doing well but still needs to have help. I worry about how my mum will cope when he is finally discharged. Speaking to her last night I felt the old familiar feelings of guilt that I should be there to ease the burden a little. It's the uncertainty about what the future holds for him that is worrying her. My friend from when I was in college in Ireland rang and I was talking to him about this and the options. I was just musing about the awful day when he might have to go into a nursing home and how terrible it would be to have to make that decision. He explained that now it was not the decision of the family to put a parent in a home. This is because of how in the past children put their parents in a home when there was no need and then the law allowed the children to inherit the farm. This is shocking. But it explains why people have said to me that my dad is of that generation where he remembers these things. But I would hope that he would know that this is something that his family would never do without having explored absolutely every other option. I don't know where this blog entry is going or why I am writing this. I think that what I am trying to highlight is the depths to which the design of human can stoop. Acts like this are of the personality and not of the soul. They come about through a lack of awareness.

I read a little more of the Course in Miracles. For many years I have been dubious of those that claim they have mystical visions of Jesus, Mary other deities. It is claims like this that make books sell. I have felt uncomfortable with this and haven't understood why. I have accepted this discomfort and acknowledged it. Last night I read in the Course of Miracles that a vision always involves a perception. The paragraph speaks about the difference between perception and knowlege. Perception and miracles go together. They are different to knowledge and revelation which also go together. The former only happen in time. The latter are timeless.

Perception and miracles happen in time. Knowledge and revelation do not. Things that are subject to time are not reliable and therefore don't last. This is why people that claim to have visions can't say that they are lasting and permanent. Perception is temporary. Knowlege is certain. Once we see correctly we know. Knowing depends on seeing proper. When our perception is correct then we know with a certainty that makes the need for further questioning unnecessary. Perception involves a continuing need to question. These few sentences from page 40 sums it all up 'How you perceive at any given time determines what you do, and actions must occur in time. Knowledge is timeless, because certainty is not questionable. You know when you have ceased to ask questions'.

What is the fundamental error in our perception. The error that is resulting in us not seeing properly and thus not knowing? I believe that getting in the way of our knowing is the perception of separation. We perceive and thus believe that we are separate from others and from the creator. It is our perception of separation that has resulted in us seeing others as strangers and thus being afraid of them. Correct seeing is recognising which is to know again the unity that underlies the appearance of separation. To see this is to know and to have revelations and insights that are not dependent on time or any visual forms in the mind.

I chatted to the guy from the gym last night and it was nice and relaxed. We seem to think in similar ways on lots of things. I think he's far more sensitive than he shows himself to me to be. I managed to re-establish the easy friendship that we have. This took some time and sorting out on my part. To be clear and honest with myself that I could be OK with him as a friend and not give him mixed messages. We will see whether this works when he comes around on Sunday afternoon. But after the phone call I felt relaxed and happy. I went to bed in that same mood and today unlike yesterday morning I was alert and bright eyed wiling the day to start when my mobile alarm clock went off at 4.30am. I don't sit down to meditate anymore because I know how frenetic my thoughts are without putting myself through it. The strange thing is that they are never this frenetic when I'm writing this blog or walking through nature. Could it be that I am only aware of a fraction of the thoughts that are there when I am not sitting meditating. When I sit down to meditate and force myself to be still that the full intensity of the thoughts in my mind make themselves known. I have a knowing that is not dependent on meditation. I love the unpredictable of when and how insights come to me. I wouldn't like to make them dependent on meditation......

I am envious of people that say they meditate and it helps them. My cousin said something like this before she went to a social event that she felt could have been stressful. I read her words 'I meditated before I went and it was fine'. All I get when I finish a sitting meditation is frustration and a disbelief that I can have the insights and intuitions I have with the kind of mind I have. Interestingly none of my insights or intuitions come to me when I am meditating. Most come just as I am sitting quietly, looking out of the window in the early hours of the morning. I have noticed recently that the minute I finish my blog entry that sentences come that seem to be more powerful and perfectly formed than what I had written in the blog. At first this used to frustrate me, now I just accept that this is the way it is. It is an example of the one-pointedness that is necessary for progress on this path. Dogged determination and courage are the key qualities for this path.

So now I must get ready to go to work. It is a stressful place these days. I spoke about the way we see others as separate. Nowhere is this more obvious than in my work place. There is a tension around that I can't put my finger on. My friend comes to speak to me, checks that I am OK, gives me a long look and walks away. It's like any kind of conversation other than surface is risky. When we see others as separate we set up an us/them division that breeds fear and insecurity. If we could only undo the wrongness of this fundamental error then how much happier the world would be. I feel that the shift from human to spiritual will involve some recognition whether this is through science or some other means that the perception of separation is an illusion. I hope so much to be alive for that day.....

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Things hidden from my view

Work was a strange place yesterday. I had gone in fired up with wanting to inspire people to come and find out about the work of transformation and I was met by such a lack of interest that I suddenly started to have pain in my foot. This was amazing. I have never had pain in my foot. It seemed to be as a direct response to my disappointment that people didn't see the power of transformation and want it for themselves. I have often read that turbulence in the mind can often reflect itself in the body. I am incredibly healthy, never sick and so I never thought very much about this. The sudden, searing and then nagging pain I felt when my mind was unsettled and disappointed seemed to reflect itself in the most vulnerable part of my body at the moment. My foot. I realised that I was attached to wanting those that I spoke to about the work of transformation to see what it would make possible for themselves and go and get it. When I didn't get the result I wanted I felt disappointment which reflected itself in the body.

To be effective in this field I realise that I must be committed and not attached. I thought I was committed. What I realise from the depth of disappointment I felt when there was little interest shown is that I am attached. This deception was hidden from my view. I can always know the difference when I am committed and attached. With attachment there is a bodily reaction, I feel it like a kick in the stomach when I don't get what I want. With commitment there is no bodily reaction when the answer is 'no'. I was so attached and the turbulence in my mind reflected itself in my body.

The only saving grace from all of this was the beautiful changes in the sky and the view from my window at work. I really wish I was a creative writer and could do justice to the beauty that I saw yesterday. From the sun rising majestically from beneath the cloud. Those moments when a light illuminates but the source is not seen. There is just this golden brilliance. And then the sun appears. I remember when I used to get up at 6am when I was in India and sit at the Ganges in Varanasi and watch the sun rise. It was so powerful. Sitting there and then out of nowhere comes the sun. These mornings were so special to me. I had a little reminder of all of this yesterday and I was so grateful.

I was glad when the day was over at work. As days go it wasn't bad but there was a restlessness in me that I couldn't put my finger on. I was more aware of of my operated foot today than I have been since the operation. I left work and made my way to the venue where I was to evaluate a speech at my toastmasters public speaking club. The venue was a rowing club down by the Thames and I deliberately got there early so that I could walk along the Thames towpath and spend some time with the stillness of water. Once I got here and allowed myself to drink in the beauty of the trees silhouetted on the water I experienced the deepest peace and calm. Out there the world can and often is a confusing place for me. But when I come to nature. I respond to its stillness and it calms my turbulent mind.

I went into the venue and the evening started. There was a great atmosphere and energy. Here there was a unity of consciousness because everyone is there with the same intention. This is to be a better public speaker. A shared intention makes for a powerful evening. The first half of the evening is called 'table topics'. This is where a topic for conversation is given to someone and he/she has to speak on it impromptu for up to a minute and a half. Each speaker is then evaluated by a topics evaluator. The second half of the evening is the prepared speeches. I was evaluating a woman's number 6 speech. This is all about vocal variety.

She gave a good speech about her garden and all the animals in it. This made it easy for me to remember the parts of her speech and comment on the different vocal variety she used for each part. At one point I looked down at all the people as I was giving this evaluation and they all looked so attentive. It gave me such a great feeling and at that moment I realised that my foot was no longer hurting. It had got so bad earlier that I had seriously thought of cancelling the evaluation. But I had given my word that I would do it and so in spite of how I felt I went. I know that I am not my feeling, I have feelings but they are not who I am and so I don't have to give into them every time. I am powerful when I put keeping my integrity before indulging my feelings.

There is a ribbon for the best speaker and best evaluator. I didn't win the ribbon for the best evaluator. I watched myself carefully when the name for the best evaluator came out and when it wasn't me was delighted that there was no bodily reaction to this. I was absolutely fine. Very different to when I was sharing myself and transformation and people weren't inspired. That created a strong bodily reaction in me. I realise now that it is probably this attachment that probably came across and not commitment which is why little interest was shown.

After the evening the woman who runs the publishing company that has my book came up to me and said that she had the publication of my book 'Journey to Self' as her first priority after Christmas. This surprised me because I was led to believe that she wanted to publish a number of books that would have more market appeal than mine so it came as a bit of a shock. I know also that I have to do more work on it to get it ready for publication and the issue of time came into my mind. It was a strange thing to be told given the frame of mind that I had been in.

My inability to touch, move and inspire people to take on the game of transformation for themselves had seriously made me question what I am doing it all for. I have seen the results first-hand and as a result am passionate about what working on yourself and discovering the things that are hidden from our view makes possible. But I seem to be alone in seeing this potential. I was still troubled about this and I opened the Course of Miracles which I am re-reading for the second time and I came across a sentence on innocence. For many things I respond slowly or not at all, does that make me innocent or naive. There is definitely one or other of these qualities strong in my make up. The Course in Miracles says about innocence 'Innocence is not a partial attribute. It is not real until it is total. The partly innocent are apt to be foolish at times. It is not until their innocence becomes a viewpoint with universal application that it becomes wisdom'

I understand this. Two things struck me about this sentence. One is about the partial innocence and how this cannot move and inspire. The other is that the things I write about there is no agreement for in the world. There is agreement for analysing spiritual literature and producing books to simplify the Truth contained in these and make them more palatable for today's world. But there is no agreement to shine a torch on the nature of our make-up in our design as Homo Sapients (Human). There is no agreement for and this is why I am feeling like a bird trapped in a cage. I'm trying to dissolve the bars of the cage of human so that the spiritual bird can fly.

I wrote in my blog on Monday morning about a sense of foreboding that I have about this week. This hasn't gone away but then again I haven't brought into existence the way of being that I had when I went for my operation. This was fun and freedom. Now I'm back at work I've hardly thought of it all and as a result all of the fun and freedom seems to have gone out of my life. Wow....well I'm going to bring it right back starting from this blog entry this morning and today I am going to have fun and freedom. The shift now in my mind is simply amazing. To be honest I found it hard to get up to write this this morning. I really didn't want to. The mobile alarm went off and I turned it off and went back to bed. After an hour I woke up naturally. My intuition knows that if I write and publish the blog entry before 8am my time that it registers as yesterday's entry. So I gave myself enough time to get up and write a decent amount.

But now that I have once again brought into being my possibility I feel so much better and ready for the day. To invoke a way of being that is empowering and powerful requires thought attention and effort. It will never come naturally. It is the quality of the last thought at night that determines the quality of consciousness that we wake up with. My last thoughts before I dropped off to sleep last night were troubled and as a result I woke up troubled this morning. Had I remembered my possibility and brought it into being then it would have been different. But I didn't remember and until I did had to experience how life was without a powerful and empowering possibility.

The difference to how I am finishing this blog entry compared to how I started it is testament to what can be achieved by simply shifting a way of being......

Monday, 22 October 2007

When trapped energy becomes freed.....

It's 4.45am and I am writing my blog because I was out late last night at my seminar. It was really great to be back with everyone. Since I realised that I make being fit and having self-control around food significant and meaningful and have given it up I have not comfort eaten for the last two weeks! This is simply amazing for me because finding comfort in food when I am upset and stressed has been what I have done since I was 12. What I am finding now is that all of the energy that was trapped in that destructive cycle of comfort eating and then feeling really bad and horrible about myself has all been freed. As a result I have lots more energy and vitality and now see food in a healthy way. My relationship to food is now for the first time in my life a healthy one. This is a miracle to me.

This seminar is phenomenallly powerful for me because it is showing me what is inherent in the design of human and therefore what will always be there. So qualities like resistance, the human mechanism for existing and surviving, the making things significant and meaningful, these are inherent in the design of human. So I should not be surprised or consider myself a weak person because I experience them as a struggle. This is as it should be. By understanding all of this I am coming to accept that what I have always resisted and wanted to change. It is that wanting to change and be different that which can't given the design that had trapped so much energy. Energy that has now become free for me to use in whatever ways I want.

I always know when something I hear is a message for me from the universe because I hear it and my mind becomes completely absorbed in it. There are no other thoughts or distractions. Last night I heard that as a human I am characterised with concerns for survival and being driven. Concerns that are solely about me. Immediately I saw how all of my concerns for being fit and having self-control over my food is all about me. It's concern for me looking good in front of others. Me looking good so that I can dominate. insight was simply amazing. It went to the very heart of me. I saw how if I gave up being fit and having well-being solely for myself and used being fit to play a big game in contribution and service to others that I can be powerful.

Last night I understood an intuitive truth I have always known. That when I make my life about myself and my own concerns, I have no power. Power only comes when I create a concern that involves being of contribution and service to others. This was so amazing for me and is one of the reason why I am such a stand for this work. This work brings out of the darkness into the light the things that are hidden from our view. They are hidden because they conflict with the design of human. As a result they are hidden and all attempts to bring them into the light of consciousness are violently resisted.

I know that every insight I have like this shifts my consciousness so that I see and understand more than I did. I know there are people reading this blog and knowing this inspires me to keep it going when I sometimes feel unsure of its use or benefit. I am going to give the web addresss for the organisation that runs this seminar I am currently doing. On their website is a video introduction. It's a great introduction to this training and gives a flavour of how the training is done. It's I am a real stand for this work. How could I not be when it's given me so many breakthroughs. Last night I gave up all of the concerns I had about being fit as looking good for others. In that space of nothing that is there when significance and meaning are given up I was reminded of the difference between being effective and being a Master. Mastery is my game now that all of the energy that was trapped in negative thought patterns around my own self-control around food has been freed. I am aware that the route to mastery is going to be tougher and the training harder. But this is my game. It is what I am passionate about.

It was tough being at work yesterday. I'm aware that all of this freed energy has made me restless. My boss took me aside and gave me an explanation for why some handover notes for a colleague to aid him in covering my work while I was away sat on a desk without being given to him and I agreed to let the matter drop. I have been given so much that to pursue something so petty would be extremely ungrateful. So I have done the opposite. Yesterday I went and bought a thank you card which I will sign and give to her. She showed me something very important in myself. She showed me that there was still some unresolved issue there on my part that was quick to come to the surface when something triggered it. This was a huge learning for me and for that she deserves a thank you card.

I feel as I write this that I am at the beginning of something important. My game is mastery not effectivenes. Anyone can be effective given the right tools. Mastery is something different. It is allowing myself to be used by something for a greater purpose....this is both scary and exciting.

This evening will be my first test. I am evaluating a speech at toastmasters. This involves me listening to a speech and then evaluating if for up to three minutes. The evaluation must cover, what was effective in the speech, what the speaker could have done to make it more effective and then what made the speech work. It's such an interesting evening because there are normally four speakers and four evaluators and it's so interesting hearing how other people evaluate speeches. Words are so powerful when they are put together well in a sentence. It has been a while since I have evaluated a speech so am looking forward to it. Afterwards we all gather in the bar and talk about the evening. The venue for the evening is in a room that overlooks the Thames so if the evening is dry it will be a beautiful Thames walk.

I guess I had better get ready for work.....another day in an environment which is not for me. My dilemma is that I have to stay long enough to have the operation on my other foot which I am going to schedule for early next year. Until then I am going to play a game where I don't make work and being serious and committed mean so much...let's see if any trapped energy becomes freed as a result of letting go significance at work..... It appears paradoxical in that if I don't make things significant, it means that I don't care. I have found the opposite to be the case in that I care but it's no big deal anymore if it breaks down. How freeing is that.....

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Not the same woman today......

I realise today that I wasn't completely honest in what I wrote in yesterdays blog. I didn't write just how upset and angry I was about had what happened at my assisting agreement yesterday. I felt so aggrieved and hard done by. I was totally in the right and everything else that happened was so unfair to me.

I went to watch the Rugby with friends last night and it didn't take me long to realise that I live into a world I want to see not the world as it really is. I say this because in the last blog I wrote about the power that is present when minds think the same. I wanted to be part of that power. Instead what I came into was a group of people some of whom were supporting England and some were supporting South Africa. Instead of unity there was tension especially from a group of New Zealand people who were supporting South Africa. I found myself thinking 'if your own home team is out why don't you then support the country that is giving you a job and a roof over your head (not my inner voice, definitely my personality) and as I thought this I was aware of some resentment. This was really interesting.

We settled down to watch the game. There was a guy a little way away from me and I could hear his conversation as he was chatting to the guys. He was funny and I found myself laughing. At one point I looked over and saw he was looking at me. I realised in that instant that I wanted more than anything to just chat without the baggage of knowing someone for a long time, to flirt without there being anything more to it. I knew then that the events of Thursday night had hurt me more than I had acknowledged to myself. This was me trying to reassure myself that I was attractive to other guys. I was weighing up the possibilities for speaking to him when he did something that I was amazed about and extremely grateful for.

What I didn't know was that sitting beside my friend was his wife. Then I heard him saying 'are we going to eat after this' and I saw the woman beside my friend smile over. When I looked back I saw it was at him. I knew then that the woman sitting beside my friend was his partner and I had such great respect for him for getting the message across. It saved potential embarassment as I wouldn't have known that they were together, I may have started chatting and she was too far away to join in the conversation. I was immensely grateful to him for getting the message across with no words. After a few minutes he came and sat next to his wife and then we all chatted about the rugby. I was right in my initial assessment that he was a lovely guy. As a rule I am so careful about how much I chat to the boyfriends/husbands of my friends.

The end result of the rugby was so depressing that when it was over none of us felt like staying out drinking. I came home, had a bath and went to bed. I was determined to sleep until I woke today. I woke naturally at 6.30am and debated about getting up to meditate. Lying in bed looking out of my window at the multi-coloured leaves against the sky I was so relaxed and content. I knew what would happen if I got out to meditate, I would have 'thought assault' so I decided not to. I lay there and the memory of what had happened at my assisting agreement came back and I saw immediately how I was totally responsible for the breakdown of the communication that had happened. I saw too how angry I was. I saw with perfect clarity how I hadn't been patient enough with the lady, explored with her what has happening for her, take the time to really be with where she was in her life, in short I hadn't created a background of relatedness. I had heard the importance of creating this background of relatedness but I didn't understand what it meant. Now I had pefect clarity. I saw too how strong my resistance was around this breakdown in that none of what I could see this morning I could see when I came home yesterday evening. Yesterday I couldn't get beyond hurt and upset even though I tried to put a nice gloss on it in yesterday's blog entry, I saw that I was more resistant to the message that was trying to be given to me by my supervisor than I thought I was.

I got up and showered and then had a thought about going to mass. This wasn't the authoritative inner voice, it was me mulling over the possibility. Before I joined the gym I used go most Sundays to 11am mass. Not because I like religion I don't. But there is something about the tones of the church organ that was always calming for me. I was also meeting a friend for lunch so the timing would be perfect. I got ready and walked to the church. The walk took me through the park and as always I became lost in the beauty that is nature. I arrived in time for mass and found a pew. I was struck by how many people I remembered from when I used to go. This woman came in who I remembered had always dressed like she was on a fashion catwalk and to my amazement she was exactly the same. She made a bee-line for the row I was in and I moved over to let her in. I was musing on why she put so much effort into her dress for mass and then had this thought 'does she dress this elegantly for God' and as I thought this I felt something come over me that I cannot put into words.

I picked up the manual of hymns to see if I knew any that were on the notice board. I used to love doing this because if I knew any from my days in the catholic boarding school it was great. I realised how long I have been away because none of the hymns were familiar. The organ began and everyone stood up. I began to sing. I think if the woman in the pew beside me knew that I sang like a nightingale with sore throat she would have sat somewhere else. The mass began and when it came to the readings this woman who was dressed so elegantly stood up and sashayed up to the altar. Hm...maybe the elegance was not for God after all!

I was reading a sentence in the responsorial psalm. It said 'at your right side he stands'. This got me thinking 'why the right side, why not the left side'. Then I was astonished when I realised that the creed which is said every Sunday contains the words 'He is seated at the right hand of the Father'. Why is it always the right? This set me off on a train of thought about whether or not the 'right side' refers to the right side of the brain. If it was random why is there no mention of the left side? The force of this insight took my breath away and in that instant I knew that there is some secret hidden in the right side of the brain. I know it, I just can't prove it. These are only two references to the 'right' but I would love to have time to go through the bible and see if there are any more references. Why do I always come back to the brain. I feel that this kingdom the human kingdom has left brain consciousness. The shift to the next kingdom will involve the shifting of the consciousness from the left brain to the right. As a result science will take a different turn and there will be discoveries which will be different to those that have been revealed. I have such a strong feeling about this. I feel that there are going to be significant discoveries concerning the right side of the brain.

I met my friend for lunch which was lovely. He has been a friend since childhood and I think knows me better than anyone else. I always feel so relaxed when we meet up. It's the comfort that comes because I know that he completely accepts me for who and what I am. I consider myself so lucky to have known him for all the time that I have.

We said goodbye and I walked home through the park. The day was just so spectacularly beautiful and I felt great peace and calm. Once at home though I began to shiver and had to turn on a heater as well as the central heating. I hope I'm not coming down with something. I can't believe that it's Monday again tomorrow. I have a faintly foreboding feeling about this week. There's such a lot of turmoil around me and in me at the moment that I don't think is going to go away very soon. All I have to do is to remain steady in the face of it all. I didn't do this very well last week.....let's see what this week brings....

Saturday, 20 October 2007

When the rug is pulled......

Today has been such a strange day. I'm writing this blog now because I am going to the rugby and am going to sleep tomorrow morning so this will be it for the day. I was aware that I was restless. I walked down to the post office to post the present to my niece for her birthday. I love my nieces and nephew so much, they are great and make my going home to Ireland so much richer.

On my way back home I had the idea to stop in at some friends of my parents and tell them about the stroke that my Dad recently had. They had a lovely welcome for me. Then the woman said 'it was lovely to see your brother and your wife when they called to see us last month'. I was so shocked that they would come over and not contact me when I was living only a short walk from where these people lived. I tried to stop myself from being too upset by saying to myself 'just deal with what happened' don't let all the hurt and upset take you over. I think I managed it but it was difficult with tears stinging at the back of my eyes threatening to fall. Once I got home I thought about my options. I could sit here getting upset and making it mean all kinds of things or I could phone my sister-in-law who I have always got on well with and ask her why she didn't contact me.

I decided to phone her to ask her. I was honest and told her that I knew from friends that her and my brother were over in London and I was upset that I didn't know. It turns out that it was my brother's wifes 40th birthday and my brother brought her to London for the weekend. They decided not to contact any family. My brother's wife has a brother in Croydon. Once I heard this I was perfectly OK. I have learned my lesson of not going direct to the person concerned when something happens that is upsetting. If I hadn't done this I would have some story about her not liking me. This is what then would be present the next time we would meet. And with me running that story when I saw her, how much communication and connection would be present? The truth is not a lot. I was honest with her and told her that if I hadn't contacted her that I would have thought that she did not want to have any contact.

From this I learned how important it is to establish the facts of a situation. Not establishing the facts is fertile ground for a meaning to be given which is then taken as the Truth. It is the meaning we put on events and not the events themselves that cause us to suffer. After the conversation I was drained but very relieved. I waited then for a man to come to give me an estimate for opening up a boarded fireplace so I can have a gas fire for the winter. I had explained that I needed to leave the flat to be at my agreeement. He said he would call me if he was going to be late. He was late and I didn't receive a phone call. Why do people say they will do something and not do it. This has to be the most frustrating thing for me.

I phoned him and left a message saying in the absence of any message from him telling me that he was going to be late that I had left for the appointment he knew I had to go to. I ended up also saying a bit about his lack of integrity which when I put the phone down knew had come direct from the frustration of my ego personality and not my soul. I arrived at my agreement and settled down to making the phone calls. How different it was making the calls today compared to last night. Maybe I was still upset with the workman that didn't turn up when he said he would but most of the phone calls were terrible. I paid the price when a lady phoned up to complain about me. I remember the call. The lady did not want to talk and said that she was very stressed and all I wanted to do then was to let her be. This is what I did but I never asked her if there was another time that would be more convenient for her to call to speak to her. Her experience of me was that I rushed her.

I was devastated but I immediately saw why it had happened. The success of the calls last night had inflated my ego. I returned home last night thinking that I was the most powerful person in the field of transformation. I am always and ever punished when this thinking gets a grip of me. Today I was brought back down to earth. The result is that I am now going to be given training in how to speak to people on the phone. Sitting there being grilled by these two women (I have from an early age rebelled against women in authority) I saw how I was completely responsible for the breakdown in communication. I got really upset that this woman who was already stressed was now even more stressed as a result of a conversation with me.

I was so scared to pick up the phone to make another call until I get the training that I left the assisting agreement. It would be so easy for me to cancel this agreement completely but to do this is to run away. This is just another example of the batttle of the ego with the soul and I will see it through. In the past I would have cancelled the agreement. I would have justified cancellling it with all kinds of excuses. For some reason this time I won't. I will take the training with humility and gratitude and as a result of it I will emerge a stronger, kinder and more compassionate person. Today when all these allegations about the way I was being were thrown at me I took it without defending myself once. I promised to contact the manager on Monday and request this training before the next agreement session.

As I write this I feel so tired and drained. It's very tempting to just go to bed and cry my eyes out with sheer self-pity. But I won't. I will dust myself down and go out and watch England secure victory in the Rugby world cup final. I can't wait to have a cold lager either. Lager doesn't answer back and it always hits the spot which is exactly what I need right now. All this turbulence proves to me though that there is some great change being geared up for. Today a story emerged that Dr Kelly who exposed the Governments 'sexed up' Iraq dossier, did not commit suicide but was killed to stop him making further revelations about the lies that took Britain to war. I think that there is more of this kind of thing to emerge. The shift to the next kingdom can only come when all the alleged cover-ups have been exposed. There can be nothing left hidden.

When all of that has been completed then the fundamental event that will shift the consciousness from the human to the spiritual will occur. It is only my view and I have no proof but I feel that the extinction of the dinosaurs marked the end of the animal kingdom and the beginning of the human kingdom. I don't see anything as traumatic as that happening as the human transforms to the spiritual but there is definitely some preparation for a shift. This is why everything seems so turbulent and there is an uncertainty about things that were felt to be certain. In many circumstances the rug of certainty is being pulled away ruthlessly leaving a sense of bewilderment and confusion.

In the midst of all of this it is so important to keep your nerve. It is steadiness of temperament and character which is going to be important in the years to roll on the rugby...