I haven't written a blog entry for a few days now. This is because at the weekend I assisted on one of the programmes run by Landmark. In my last entry I wrote about the dangers involved in having a couple of profound experiences and from them making the leap that this means I know everything. That I have all the answers and everyone in the world should listen and do as I recommend. I was in danger of losing a good friendship with my insistence that a friend should do the weekend Landmark Forum that it was the quickest way of realizing the 'thyself' - one of the three stages of spiritual realization. What I see now is that realizing 'myself' has to take into consideration ego arrogance. Realizing 'myself' naturally results in a desire to share so that others can be touched moved and inspired to realize 'themselves' but the danger is that it can result in thinking that I know better than everyone else. This development is so subtle and can operate under the guise of wanting it for everyone, but in truth wanting it for me so that I can be right about how powerful it is.
I broke down at the weekend because I live away from my family and I took a phone call about a family matter which didn't go well and as a result I was upset. I decided to speak to one of the women who was leading the weekend at a quiet moment. I explained how I always seemed to say the wrong thing to members of my family. I was amazed when she said to me something similar to what I had written about in my last blog entry. She said 'you're pissing everyone off with your self-righteousness'. I was shocked to my core but I will always consider what is said to me through others because to me it is the universe communicating with me through another. I will always know if it applies to me because it will resonate. I was shocked and I looked at her quite confused, she smiled and said 'you know exactly what I mean'. And when I take an honest look at how I have been being with my friends and family, it has been self righteous.
This journey of transformation is not easy. It demands honesty by not pretending to be something I'm not. What is important in this constant monitoring is not to make myself wrong. It is a way of being I had that was hidden from my view. Now that it has been shown to me I have the choice as to whether or not to keep it or give it up. In that choice is power. It is a choice and I am not reacting to something that was said. I am choosing powerfully to give up a certain way of being. It is not who I am it is just a way of being that I created to serve a purpose.
Today I asked a work colleague whether she considered me to be self-righteous. I created as safe an environment as I could by saying that she could say anything and I would be perfectly OK with it. I could tell by how uncomfortable she got that there was a good chance I wouldn't like what she had to say. She began hesitantly 'well...you do tend to think that you are right'. This got me thinking; I am a stand for everyone having a life which is free, powerful and happy, that is my stand and it is non negotiable. It is the purpose of this blog. What I am now struggling with is whether to have the integrity necessary to realise that stand I am required to be self-righteous. This is something that I will have to sit with......
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Restless after writing the blog today......
It's the early hours of Friday morning but I will post this for Thursday's entry. I found myself so restless at work today. I throw myself into writing the blog and while writing I feel vital and alive. I then go into work and have to struggle through, as is the case today writing the minutes from a meeting on Small Craft!...this is a zillion miles away from where my interest lies. I don't have a boat, I don't know one end of a boat from the other and yet I have to write a report from a meeting where all the members spoke about were the requirements for different parts of a boat..aagh...gives me a new definition and experience of agony.
I wrote very honestly in my blog yesterday and reading back on the entry the enormity of where I am at the moment both personally and spiritually really hit home. I feel like I am at the edge of some precipice. Where there was certainty about what the spiritual path was and its stages, now there is uncertainty as I consider the spiritual path in terms of the simple release of frozen energy. The brain doesn't like uncertainty and my brain is no different. But I know that it is only in uncertainty that the brain is alert and alive. It is similar to the beginner's mind in that in this mind there is no certainty yet there is no fear either. Beginner's mind is a mind that is open and receptive. The uncertainty linked with fear comes in when the evaluative mind with its way of setting one thing against the other comes in. Then there is the uncertainty of not knowing whether we are right and more importantly not wanting to be wrong. This is one of the deepest drivers of us as humans our need to be right at all costs. Uncertainty does not give this reassurance and the brain strives for certainty. This might be why well established theories and doctrines are fallen back on. This reliance on tried and tested methods as a guarantee reduces uncertainty but it also reduces growth and expansion of spiritual consciousness.
To learn to be OK with uncertainty, to give up control to trust in a benevolent force which has our best interests at heart is to commit to the spiritual path. Because there is no container for a spiritual path in the same way there is for a religious path uncertainty is inevitable. There have been many times when uncertainty and confusion is all I have known. Yet now I am so grateful for that depth of uncertainty and confusion because it is in direct proportion to the way life flows and is in harmony today in spite of me feeling I'm at the edge of some precipice. What is most amazing is that I don't feel any stress. I am noticing this more and more especially at work. When I surrender to the uncertainty and don't fool myself that I am in control then life can be as it is meant to be without interference from me. These days I don't force anything.
To some reading this it might seem like a very passive reactive way to live life but I spent years deluding myself that I was in control. I wasn't in control of my birth and I won't be of my death (unless I suddenly manifest a different level of consciousness like some Yogi's did, but I'm not holding my breath for this), so why should I think that I have control over any other aspect of my life. The best compliment I can give is to surrender my control and embrace uncertainty with the faith and trust that life is then free to unfold its magic. I made this decision in 1997 in response to an experience over which I had no control. As the event unfolded I surrendered my control to a higher power, I don't want to label it God because that label has been made to mean different things to many people. I call it simply a higher power. Now whether that higher power is my own consciousness or not, I don't know.
I have never had a visitation from a past Guru or any visits from spirit guides in short no contact from the metaphysical realm which mediums and people like this assure us exists so I can't honestly write about whether or not this realm exists. I write from my own experience and observation, this is the only thing for me that is spiritually honest.
I met up with a good friend last night. I was nervous because when I was recovering from the operation on my foot she came and stayed with me and looked after me. I am a stand for everyone being as free, powerful and self-expressed as they can be. I don't want anyone having any limitations from the past which are stopping them from living the life of a transformed human being. She had come to a couple of Landmark introduction evenings but felt that it wasn't for her. As a thank you I bought her .the Forum weekend. I meant well but what I have learned is that I thought I knew what was best for her and this was not the correct thing to have done. Yes we can be well meaning and intentioned but no two of us have the same DNA therefore no two of us is going to have exactly the same path. From my experience of what is necessary to live a free and powerful life the tools that Landmark provides gives this most powerfully. It is these tools I wanted her to have.
Last night I saw that giving her no choice wasn't right and so I was straight and said that she should only do what feels right for her and not to worry about the money because I could transfer it to another course or get it back. It felt good to be straight and honest and as a result there was none of the tension that had been there over the last couple of weeks as she spent time contacting the office trying to book dates and then having to cancel for one reason or another. For me, it doesn't matter. The intention was good and that's all that matters.
My point in writing about this is to show how easy it is for me to have a couple of experiences and realizations and then think that I know what is best for everyone. I don't. I have some insights and ideas that I am free to write about as I do here. But I should have no expectation or desire that anything of what I write will or should be taken up by others. Expectation kills further progression. I should have known this but the human aspect with an ego that is never truly vanquished appears more subtle the further along the path one goes. This is why extreme vigilance over what I am thinking, saying, writing anything has to be to the forefront of my consciousness.
I wrote very honestly in my blog yesterday and reading back on the entry the enormity of where I am at the moment both personally and spiritually really hit home. I feel like I am at the edge of some precipice. Where there was certainty about what the spiritual path was and its stages, now there is uncertainty as I consider the spiritual path in terms of the simple release of frozen energy. The brain doesn't like uncertainty and my brain is no different. But I know that it is only in uncertainty that the brain is alert and alive. It is similar to the beginner's mind in that in this mind there is no certainty yet there is no fear either. Beginner's mind is a mind that is open and receptive. The uncertainty linked with fear comes in when the evaluative mind with its way of setting one thing against the other comes in. Then there is the uncertainty of not knowing whether we are right and more importantly not wanting to be wrong. This is one of the deepest drivers of us as humans our need to be right at all costs. Uncertainty does not give this reassurance and the brain strives for certainty. This might be why well established theories and doctrines are fallen back on. This reliance on tried and tested methods as a guarantee reduces uncertainty but it also reduces growth and expansion of spiritual consciousness.
To learn to be OK with uncertainty, to give up control to trust in a benevolent force which has our best interests at heart is to commit to the spiritual path. Because there is no container for a spiritual path in the same way there is for a religious path uncertainty is inevitable. There have been many times when uncertainty and confusion is all I have known. Yet now I am so grateful for that depth of uncertainty and confusion because it is in direct proportion to the way life flows and is in harmony today in spite of me feeling I'm at the edge of some precipice. What is most amazing is that I don't feel any stress. I am noticing this more and more especially at work. When I surrender to the uncertainty and don't fool myself that I am in control then life can be as it is meant to be without interference from me. These days I don't force anything.
To some reading this it might seem like a very passive reactive way to live life but I spent years deluding myself that I was in control. I wasn't in control of my birth and I won't be of my death (unless I suddenly manifest a different level of consciousness like some Yogi's did, but I'm not holding my breath for this), so why should I think that I have control over any other aspect of my life. The best compliment I can give is to surrender my control and embrace uncertainty with the faith and trust that life is then free to unfold its magic. I made this decision in 1997 in response to an experience over which I had no control. As the event unfolded I surrendered my control to a higher power, I don't want to label it God because that label has been made to mean different things to many people. I call it simply a higher power. Now whether that higher power is my own consciousness or not, I don't know.
I have never had a visitation from a past Guru or any visits from spirit guides in short no contact from the metaphysical realm which mediums and people like this assure us exists so I can't honestly write about whether or not this realm exists. I write from my own experience and observation, this is the only thing for me that is spiritually honest.
I met up with a good friend last night. I was nervous because when I was recovering from the operation on my foot she came and stayed with me and looked after me. I am a stand for everyone being as free, powerful and self-expressed as they can be. I don't want anyone having any limitations from the past which are stopping them from living the life of a transformed human being. She had come to a couple of Landmark introduction evenings but felt that it wasn't for her. As a thank you I bought her .the Forum weekend. I meant well but what I have learned is that I thought I knew what was best for her and this was not the correct thing to have done. Yes we can be well meaning and intentioned but no two of us have the same DNA therefore no two of us is going to have exactly the same path. From my experience of what is necessary to live a free and powerful life the tools that Landmark provides gives this most powerfully. It is these tools I wanted her to have.
Last night I saw that giving her no choice wasn't right and so I was straight and said that she should only do what feels right for her and not to worry about the money because I could transfer it to another course or get it back. It felt good to be straight and honest and as a result there was none of the tension that had been there over the last couple of weeks as she spent time contacting the office trying to book dates and then having to cancel for one reason or another. For me, it doesn't matter. The intention was good and that's all that matters.
My point in writing about this is to show how easy it is for me to have a couple of experiences and realizations and then think that I know what is best for everyone. I don't. I have some insights and ideas that I am free to write about as I do here. But I should have no expectation or desire that anything of what I write will or should be taken up by others. Expectation kills further progression. I should have known this but the human aspect with an ego that is never truly vanquished appears more subtle the further along the path one goes. This is why extreme vigilance over what I am thinking, saying, writing anything has to be to the forefront of my consciousness.
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Childlike not childish........
The words for the title of this blog entry came to me in the early hours of the morning. They seemed important and my urgent inner voice gave me no rest until I got up. What is the distinction between childlike and childish. For me, childlike is the free flowing expression of energy, there is a wide-eyed wonder at the world. In a childlike state there is a fascination and an absorption with everything. In the childlike state language has no place. This is significant because it is language that gives us our world. Where I work there is a committee that deals with nanotechnologies. If this word hadn't come into being there would be no world around it. The word has created around it a whole range of ideas and innovation. Take away the word and the world of nanotechnology wouldn't exist. This can be applied to almost everything and is how our world evolves.
Childish on the other hand is to do with immediate ego gratification. Indulging the ego will never lead to the profound shift of consciousness that characterises living from an enlightened state. First the ego has to be disciplined and then transcended. However the ego is never truly vanquished nor should it be because it forms the boundary between fantasy and reality and is necessary for functioning in the world. Ego transcension does not mean the end of the ego, it is a shift from the ego working for the mind to the ego working for the soul. It occurs when grace enables the consciousness to shift. This comes after a time of working on ourselves and developing integrity.
I want to make it clear that by integrity I don't mean right and wrong. Integrity for me is simply about whether or not something will work. On a purely human front I am being challenged at the moment by having feelings for a married man. I knew this man before he was married. I have written about the possibility that I may be on the extremely mild side of Asperger's syndrome. One of the symptoms of this syndrome which is a mild form of autism is a difficulty with intimacy. This is something I have struggled with all of my life. I was 35 before I understood what it meant when someone said they 'fancied' someone. I had no concept of what that was like. I had boyfriends but none before the age of 35 meant anything. As a result my longest relationship to date has been 3 months. This never bothered me because I was far more content pursuing Buddhism and spending my time thinking high and lofty thoughts! However, the cost of this was to result in delayed emotional development which I recognise now.
To return to this married man. I knew him before he got married. He was one of those boyfriends before the age of 35 for whom I felt nothing but went through the motions of a relationship because I thought that was what I should be doing. It ended after a couple of months and he went off and got married. He called me to tell me that he was getting married, and I congratulated him without any feelings of 'that might have been me'. He called me when his son was born. I congratulated him without any feelings of 'that might have been me'. Then there was a couple of years of a gap when I never heard from him. One evening I was in at home and he called distraught. He had had an affair and it hadn't worked out and he wanted me to help him! I thought to myself 'this is God's idea of a joke. Me who hasn't been able to hold down a relationship for more than 3 months and he wants my help! I tried to put him off by suggesting a psychiatrist but he was adamant. He came over for a couple of weeks but when I saw him again I felt nothing but what I had felt towards him in the past. I didn't know that there was any other way to feel.
He left and returned to his wife. But he kept in touch and gradually we became good friends. In 2004 I received what I can only call a spiritual shock. I had had a profound experience while on a meditation retreat in Southern England. As a result and unknown to me my ego had inflated and I had cut myself off from the world reading books and building up this image of me as special. All of that came crashing down when a possible reason for this experience was given to me most harshly by someone who had a doctorate in philosophy. As a result my spiritual world came crashing down. It was shortly after that that I went on the Landmark Forum weekend. What I saw so clearly was that I was using the spiritual path to cover up emotional pain from my childhood that I hadn't wanted to see. The spiritual path cannot be used like a plaster to cover up emotional pain. It can for a while but there comes a point when there can be nothing false or dishonest about one's reasons for why this path is being pursued. On this weekend I saw that I grabbed onto the idea of Buddhism because it doesn't concern itself with the past. My focus was on the future and enlightenment. I didn't want to go back into my past. What I saw on that weekend was that my refusal to accept my past was blocking any further spiritual progress. This is why my ego inflated bubble had burst. I also thought that the spiritual bubble had burst because I had come as far as I could for this lifetime.
After the weekend I found I had a love and joy of life that I hadn't had for a long time. This married man and I continued to be friends. He called me one evening and told me that his friend had spoken to him about Landmark Education and had I heard of it. This was amazing. Even more amazing was that he ended up doing the weekend with the same seminar leader so we had even more in common. We met a couple of times but from my side there was no attraction, again I didn't know what this energy was.
Then November 2007 I was in the middle of the relationship seminar and I created the possibility of enjoyable intimacy without any physical or emotional pain. This married man called out of the blue and was going to be in London and asked if he could visit. I agreed. The minute I saw him I felt something that I had in truth never felt in my life before. I had felt a glimpse of it when I was 35 but nothing in the intervening 9 years. It was the ease and grace and lightness that I had with him. In the past we would argue but suddenly there was no need to argue, there didn't seem to be any issues. What was this? I was so amazed and I know that he was too. I've known this guy for almost 16 years how is this possible. What I have seen is that I am at least 20 years emotionally delayed. Is this the result of being wholly committed to the spiritual path which I have been since I was 9 on and off. Or is it the result of being willing to accept and free up all of the trapped energy there was around my past. By accepting and forgiving what happened energy was available for me to understand the energy that ties people in relationship. It is this energy that marks the difference between a friend and a lover.
So now my dilemma, he is still married, unhappily he tells me. As I have known him for so long and have never found him out in a lie I believe him. However me becoming involved with him has no integrity. This is not saying that it's wrong. But it has no integrity in the light of his already existing agreement, i,e his marriage. This is the toughest test for me to have such strong feelings and not give into them by having an affair. What is quite amazing since I finally discovered what it is to fancy someone is that out of the blue his wife asked him for a divorce. It's like finally the timing is right. He had to hang around in the background until the time was right. Asking for a divorce and it actually happening are worlds away, I know that. I also know that this test that I am going through at the moment is a spiritual test for me. Will I give into my ego desire or will I maintain my integrity. My resolve is to maintain my integrity. It is integrity that gives a life that works and is at the source of all power.....
Childish on the other hand is to do with immediate ego gratification. Indulging the ego will never lead to the profound shift of consciousness that characterises living from an enlightened state. First the ego has to be disciplined and then transcended. However the ego is never truly vanquished nor should it be because it forms the boundary between fantasy and reality and is necessary for functioning in the world. Ego transcension does not mean the end of the ego, it is a shift from the ego working for the mind to the ego working for the soul. It occurs when grace enables the consciousness to shift. This comes after a time of working on ourselves and developing integrity.
I want to make it clear that by integrity I don't mean right and wrong. Integrity for me is simply about whether or not something will work. On a purely human front I am being challenged at the moment by having feelings for a married man. I knew this man before he was married. I have written about the possibility that I may be on the extremely mild side of Asperger's syndrome. One of the symptoms of this syndrome which is a mild form of autism is a difficulty with intimacy. This is something I have struggled with all of my life. I was 35 before I understood what it meant when someone said they 'fancied' someone. I had no concept of what that was like. I had boyfriends but none before the age of 35 meant anything. As a result my longest relationship to date has been 3 months. This never bothered me because I was far more content pursuing Buddhism and spending my time thinking high and lofty thoughts! However, the cost of this was to result in delayed emotional development which I recognise now.
To return to this married man. I knew him before he got married. He was one of those boyfriends before the age of 35 for whom I felt nothing but went through the motions of a relationship because I thought that was what I should be doing. It ended after a couple of months and he went off and got married. He called me to tell me that he was getting married, and I congratulated him without any feelings of 'that might have been me'. He called me when his son was born. I congratulated him without any feelings of 'that might have been me'. Then there was a couple of years of a gap when I never heard from him. One evening I was in at home and he called distraught. He had had an affair and it hadn't worked out and he wanted me to help him! I thought to myself 'this is God's idea of a joke. Me who hasn't been able to hold down a relationship for more than 3 months and he wants my help! I tried to put him off by suggesting a psychiatrist but he was adamant. He came over for a couple of weeks but when I saw him again I felt nothing but what I had felt towards him in the past. I didn't know that there was any other way to feel.
He left and returned to his wife. But he kept in touch and gradually we became good friends. In 2004 I received what I can only call a spiritual shock. I had had a profound experience while on a meditation retreat in Southern England. As a result and unknown to me my ego had inflated and I had cut myself off from the world reading books and building up this image of me as special. All of that came crashing down when a possible reason for this experience was given to me most harshly by someone who had a doctorate in philosophy. As a result my spiritual world came crashing down. It was shortly after that that I went on the Landmark Forum weekend. What I saw so clearly was that I was using the spiritual path to cover up emotional pain from my childhood that I hadn't wanted to see. The spiritual path cannot be used like a plaster to cover up emotional pain. It can for a while but there comes a point when there can be nothing false or dishonest about one's reasons for why this path is being pursued. On this weekend I saw that I grabbed onto the idea of Buddhism because it doesn't concern itself with the past. My focus was on the future and enlightenment. I didn't want to go back into my past. What I saw on that weekend was that my refusal to accept my past was blocking any further spiritual progress. This is why my ego inflated bubble had burst. I also thought that the spiritual bubble had burst because I had come as far as I could for this lifetime.
After the weekend I found I had a love and joy of life that I hadn't had for a long time. This married man and I continued to be friends. He called me one evening and told me that his friend had spoken to him about Landmark Education and had I heard of it. This was amazing. Even more amazing was that he ended up doing the weekend with the same seminar leader so we had even more in common. We met a couple of times but from my side there was no attraction, again I didn't know what this energy was.
Then November 2007 I was in the middle of the relationship seminar and I created the possibility of enjoyable intimacy without any physical or emotional pain. This married man called out of the blue and was going to be in London and asked if he could visit. I agreed. The minute I saw him I felt something that I had in truth never felt in my life before. I had felt a glimpse of it when I was 35 but nothing in the intervening 9 years. It was the ease and grace and lightness that I had with him. In the past we would argue but suddenly there was no need to argue, there didn't seem to be any issues. What was this? I was so amazed and I know that he was too. I've known this guy for almost 16 years how is this possible. What I have seen is that I am at least 20 years emotionally delayed. Is this the result of being wholly committed to the spiritual path which I have been since I was 9 on and off. Or is it the result of being willing to accept and free up all of the trapped energy there was around my past. By accepting and forgiving what happened energy was available for me to understand the energy that ties people in relationship. It is this energy that marks the difference between a friend and a lover.
So now my dilemma, he is still married, unhappily he tells me. As I have known him for so long and have never found him out in a lie I believe him. However me becoming involved with him has no integrity. This is not saying that it's wrong. But it has no integrity in the light of his already existing agreement, i,e his marriage. This is the toughest test for me to have such strong feelings and not give into them by having an affair. What is quite amazing since I finally discovered what it is to fancy someone is that out of the blue his wife asked him for a divorce. It's like finally the timing is right. He had to hang around in the background until the time was right. Asking for a divorce and it actually happening are worlds away, I know that. I also know that this test that I am going through at the moment is a spiritual test for me. Will I give into my ego desire or will I maintain my integrity. My resolve is to maintain my integrity. It is integrity that gives a life that works and is at the source of all power.....
Sunday, 6 April 2008
The glimpse before Enlightenment....
I spent much of yesterday listening to an audio tape of a lecture given by the Swiss mystic and psychiatrist Manuel Schoch. He referred to something he called 'the glimpse before enlightenment'. This got me thinking and I remembered that I had referred to a glimpse in my blog on Friday. This glimpse provides the realization which enables the consciousness to shift from conventional to enlightened. This glimpse comes when the consciousness realizes that there is nothing to do and nowhere to go to achieve enlightenment.....it is right here, right now.
With this realization all of the energy that has been frozen is released. The frozen energy is not there because of spiritual study, it is there because of the picture and expectation we have about the way enlightenment should be and what we need to do to achieve it. Whenever we have an expectation that something or someone should be a certain way we freeze energy around that person and situation. Frozen energy cannot flow and it is flow that is most important in shifting consciousness on the spiritual path. I think this is what the Buddha meant when he said 'hold fast to nothing'. I think he was referring to the danger of freezing energy by being adamant about the way life should be.
It is the freeing of this frozen energy got from the glimpse of the naturalness of our pristine state that enables the shift to enlightenment. When all of the frozen energy is freed the end result is love. Enlightenment is nothing other than the direct experience of love. Love is the celebration of all energy being freed. So another name for enlightenment is love. This is why love is the ultimate of everything. So if the spiritual path is seen in terms of freeing up frozen energy then it makes it a path that is accessible to everyone and separates it from religion.
I'm not saying that reading and studying and being discerning and patient is not necessary to shift consciousness. It is important in the early stages to build inner discipline and effort. But at a certain point which is brought about by grace there is the dawning that enlightenment is not something 'over there', it's not a huge expanse of water which we need to cross to get to some other side. It's right here. The relief which accompanies this insight is the glimpse before enlightenment.
I have described the 3 stages of the spiritual path as I have experienced. Each stage is aimed with freeing up frozen energy. In the first stage of knowing thyself - every time we see an area of life where we are being dishonest or pretending to be authentic but we're not, take responsibility for it and create a new way of being, frozen energy can flow. I have spoken throughout this blog of the training I have done with Landmark Education (www.landmarkeducation.com) and it is from this that I have been given the tools for freeing up all of the energy which I had frozen by my determination to hang on to being right, even when deep down I knew I was wrong. Every time we do not act or speak with integrity we freeze energy.
When we were babies the energy flowed so naturally. Gradually as things happened to us and we made decisions and created expectations about what each event meant we froze energy. This is the cost of our human tendancy to try to make sense of the things that happen to us in life. The impact of this is that the minute we decide what a certain event means energy is frozen and can no longer flow around that event. The first step on the spiritual path is to free this frozen or trapped energy. It has be freed from ourselves first before we can catch a glimpse of the Self-realized state or the highest God-realized state. None of this is possible while there is trapped energy. Landmark Education is particularly powerful because it gives an access to the energy that is trapped deep in the sub-conscious.
Once the frozen energy has been freed from the first stage the time it takes to experience the remaining 2 stages tends to be rapid because most of the frozen energy is contained in the 1st stage that of realizing the Non-Self. Realizing the non-self is nothing more than freeing the frozen energy that is trapped around identifying the thoughts and feelings we have as ourselves and becoming focussed and dominated by thoughts and feelings instead of allowing them to flow as products from the mind. We don't freeze what we see from the eyes, there is a free flowingness about what we see from the eyes and as a result energy is not frozen. This is not so when it comes to the products from the mind. Buddhists see the mind as an extra sense organ which has as its objects thoughts and their products. Seen like this it is possible to have detachment around thoughts and feelings and as a result to allow the energy to flow.....
With this realization all of the energy that has been frozen is released. The frozen energy is not there because of spiritual study, it is there because of the picture and expectation we have about the way enlightenment should be and what we need to do to achieve it. Whenever we have an expectation that something or someone should be a certain way we freeze energy around that person and situation. Frozen energy cannot flow and it is flow that is most important in shifting consciousness on the spiritual path. I think this is what the Buddha meant when he said 'hold fast to nothing'. I think he was referring to the danger of freezing energy by being adamant about the way life should be.
It is the freeing of this frozen energy got from the glimpse of the naturalness of our pristine state that enables the shift to enlightenment. When all of the frozen energy is freed the end result is love. Enlightenment is nothing other than the direct experience of love. Love is the celebration of all energy being freed. So another name for enlightenment is love. This is why love is the ultimate of everything. So if the spiritual path is seen in terms of freeing up frozen energy then it makes it a path that is accessible to everyone and separates it from religion.
I'm not saying that reading and studying and being discerning and patient is not necessary to shift consciousness. It is important in the early stages to build inner discipline and effort. But at a certain point which is brought about by grace there is the dawning that enlightenment is not something 'over there', it's not a huge expanse of water which we need to cross to get to some other side. It's right here. The relief which accompanies this insight is the glimpse before enlightenment.
I have described the 3 stages of the spiritual path as I have experienced. Each stage is aimed with freeing up frozen energy. In the first stage of knowing thyself - every time we see an area of life where we are being dishonest or pretending to be authentic but we're not, take responsibility for it and create a new way of being, frozen energy can flow. I have spoken throughout this blog of the training I have done with Landmark Education (www.landmarkeducation.com) and it is from this that I have been given the tools for freeing up all of the energy which I had frozen by my determination to hang on to being right, even when deep down I knew I was wrong. Every time we do not act or speak with integrity we freeze energy.
When we were babies the energy flowed so naturally. Gradually as things happened to us and we made decisions and created expectations about what each event meant we froze energy. This is the cost of our human tendancy to try to make sense of the things that happen to us in life. The impact of this is that the minute we decide what a certain event means energy is frozen and can no longer flow around that event. The first step on the spiritual path is to free this frozen or trapped energy. It has be freed from ourselves first before we can catch a glimpse of the Self-realized state or the highest God-realized state. None of this is possible while there is trapped energy. Landmark Education is particularly powerful because it gives an access to the energy that is trapped deep in the sub-conscious.
Once the frozen energy has been freed from the first stage the time it takes to experience the remaining 2 stages tends to be rapid because most of the frozen energy is contained in the 1st stage that of realizing the Non-Self. Realizing the non-self is nothing more than freeing the frozen energy that is trapped around identifying the thoughts and feelings we have as ourselves and becoming focussed and dominated by thoughts and feelings instead of allowing them to flow as products from the mind. We don't freeze what we see from the eyes, there is a free flowingness about what we see from the eyes and as a result energy is not frozen. This is not so when it comes to the products from the mind. Buddhists see the mind as an extra sense organ which has as its objects thoughts and their products. Seen like this it is possible to have detachment around thoughts and feelings and as a result to allow the energy to flow.....
Friday, 4 April 2008
Stillness is the result of no resistance.....
It was a beautiful morning in London today so I donned my trainers and set off walking through the park to work. I had forgotten the simple pleasure that this has always given to me. It is where I find my deepest connection and closeness to that energy which is difficult to name. Amidst the beauty of nature my consciousness expands as to become one with the flowers on the cherry blossom tree. There is no separation between me and those flowers, I am those flowers. This glimpse that I get treated to most strongly when I am out and about in nature is so precious to me. With this connection there is no evaluating or describing, there is just stillness and complete absorption. There is total receptivity to what I see, total receptivity is no resistance and no resistance is stillness.
How does resistance prevent stillness? Resistance to accepting things the way they are and the way they aren't creates a movement of energy. Moving energy prevents stillness. Accepting something the way it is and the way it is not does not mean that one has to agree/like/welcome whatever is being resisted it is just an acceptance to halt the flow of energy. Acceptance also frees up any blocked energy so that it becomes available to shift consciousness. This is why all of the major religions and philosophies have emphasised the importance and power of forgiveness. To forgive means to no longer have any resistance to the event or person against whom there was a resistance to acceptance. Forgiveness if it is seen purely as a tool for freeing up trapped energy so that more becomes available is a powerful reason for us to forgive. Resistance hurts no-one only the person who is hanging onto it. The cost of not giving up resistance is a loss of stillness.....which for me is too big of a price to pay.
How does resistance prevent stillness? Resistance to accepting things the way they are and the way they aren't creates a movement of energy. Moving energy prevents stillness. Accepting something the way it is and the way it is not does not mean that one has to agree/like/welcome whatever is being resisted it is just an acceptance to halt the flow of energy. Acceptance also frees up any blocked energy so that it becomes available to shift consciousness. This is why all of the major religions and philosophies have emphasised the importance and power of forgiveness. To forgive means to no longer have any resistance to the event or person against whom there was a resistance to acceptance. Forgiveness if it is seen purely as a tool for freeing up trapped energy so that more becomes available is a powerful reason for us to forgive. Resistance hurts no-one only the person who is hanging onto it. The cost of not giving up resistance is a loss of stillness.....which for me is too big of a price to pay.
Thursday, 3 April 2008
The shift of consciousness......
I have been thinking over the past few days about what might happen when the consciousness shifts. Shifts in states of consciousness are like ascending the rungs of a ladder. At each level it is possible to see everything below it and a little above. An event or insight shifts the consciousness another rung up the ladder of consciousness so that the little that was seen above is now expanded while what could be seen from the lower rungs of the ladder is not lost.
I have long considered myself to be a right brained person. In the 1960s the notion of right and left brain was a popular concept. The left side of the brain was deemed to have different qualities and characteristics to the right. The left had to do with sequential learning and the right with wholistic learning. So someone who is left brained might identify all the parts of something and then put them together to produce a whole. The right brained person on the other hand tends to see the whole picture and then work backwards to identify each piece. When I look back at my spiritual journey which started when I was 11, I definitely believed that I saw the bigger picture. This bigger picture for me was a conviction that there is something bigger than me. This was my starting point or end point whichever way you want to look at it. From this conviction I worked backwards to identify how can I make this conviction an experience.
This morning I had an insight that a shift of consciousness is simply a shift of attention from the left to the right brain. Applying the theory from the paragraph above, this could be a shift from seeing things in a piecemeal fashion to seeing the entire picture. Such a shift would be profound enough to result in someone taking themselves away from the world in order to deepen this state through meditation and contemplation. But what if this is not necessary. What about if the shift in consciousness so that the consciousness now rests in the right brain is enough for the consciousness to deepen and expand of its own will and nature. That removing the physical form to put effort into expanding this state is a waste of time because the consciousness is now where it needs to be to experience the qualities of bliss, peace, harmony, connection. There is no effort needed because this is a natural state.
If I am predominantly right brained and have been since a child this might account for the strong sense of a Presence that I have felt since a child. Not all the time because there have been periods where I have felt very much alone and this Presence has seemed far away. But as I get older I feel the consciousness in my right brain deepening and expanding without any effort on my part. It is what is giving me the intuitions and insights that I receive on a regular basis. I don't know if this explanation is correct but it feels right to me. It gives me a reason for why I can experience periods of intense rapture and an incredible closeness to something without feeling the need to take myself half-way up a mountain to meditate. I have grown up with this state of unity and connection; it is a natural way of being for me. I don't need to force it. Perhaps this is why I find meditation so difficult, it is because I am forcing an already natural state.
I'm not making any assumptions about what I have written. And what I have written doesn't take away from the deep gratitude I feel and express to the universe at the beginning of each day and at the end of each evening for this blessed state........
I have long considered myself to be a right brained person. In the 1960s the notion of right and left brain was a popular concept. The left side of the brain was deemed to have different qualities and characteristics to the right. The left had to do with sequential learning and the right with wholistic learning. So someone who is left brained might identify all the parts of something and then put them together to produce a whole. The right brained person on the other hand tends to see the whole picture and then work backwards to identify each piece. When I look back at my spiritual journey which started when I was 11, I definitely believed that I saw the bigger picture. This bigger picture for me was a conviction that there is something bigger than me. This was my starting point or end point whichever way you want to look at it. From this conviction I worked backwards to identify how can I make this conviction an experience.
This morning I had an insight that a shift of consciousness is simply a shift of attention from the left to the right brain. Applying the theory from the paragraph above, this could be a shift from seeing things in a piecemeal fashion to seeing the entire picture. Such a shift would be profound enough to result in someone taking themselves away from the world in order to deepen this state through meditation and contemplation. But what if this is not necessary. What about if the shift in consciousness so that the consciousness now rests in the right brain is enough for the consciousness to deepen and expand of its own will and nature. That removing the physical form to put effort into expanding this state is a waste of time because the consciousness is now where it needs to be to experience the qualities of bliss, peace, harmony, connection. There is no effort needed because this is a natural state.
If I am predominantly right brained and have been since a child this might account for the strong sense of a Presence that I have felt since a child. Not all the time because there have been periods where I have felt very much alone and this Presence has seemed far away. But as I get older I feel the consciousness in my right brain deepening and expanding without any effort on my part. It is what is giving me the intuitions and insights that I receive on a regular basis. I don't know if this explanation is correct but it feels right to me. It gives me a reason for why I can experience periods of intense rapture and an incredible closeness to something without feeling the need to take myself half-way up a mountain to meditate. I have grown up with this state of unity and connection; it is a natural way of being for me. I don't need to force it. Perhaps this is why I find meditation so difficult, it is because I am forcing an already natural state.
I'm not making any assumptions about what I have written. And what I have written doesn't take away from the deep gratitude I feel and express to the universe at the beginning of each day and at the end of each evening for this blessed state........
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Meditation doesn't get any easier.......
I went to the Modern Meditation evening yesterday and came away more agitated than when I arrived. The session was for and a half and for an hour we meditated. It's been a long time since I meditated for this period of time and my inner voice was begging for some talk to fill the silence, but no talk came. At the meditations which Manuel takes he speaks about consciousness and the brain and what is happening when we meditate and I expected last night to be run along similar lines. It wasn't.
At one point during the meditation I was gripped by a fear, but fear of what? I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of yet this icy hand of fear was real. I couldn't stay with the fear and immediately moved my body to create a distraction. When the meditation was up and we were asked if anyone had any questions or observations, I launched into an aggressive attack about how the meditation didn't work because it was so long without any talk. I spoke about the fear I felt but glossed over it stating how I could have done what I was doing there at home. But while these words were coming out of my mouth there was another part of me saying 'but you know that you wouldn't meditate for an hour at home'. I quickly pushed this thought away and resumed my rant.
The person taking the evening was remarkably calm and started to speak about the content of thoughts not being important. What is important to be aware of the space between and around the thoughts. I suddenly had an insight that space is stillness because stillness has no movement and there is no movement in space therefore space is stillness. This is why every time we become aware of space we also enter into stillness because one is a quality of the other. I was amazed at this insight because I had never thought of it like this before. This is what I came to this evening to get suggestions that trigger my insights, not to sit for an hour discovering yet again how bad I am at meditation.....
But why do I find it so difficult. Another woman who was there also found it difficult and voiced her concerns. The leader turned it back and said that the way we approach meditation and our expectations around meditation are often a mirror for the way we are in life. If the context for how we live life is that it's difficult and a struggle then the experience of meditation is likely to be the same. I'm still mullling this one over.....
At one point during the meditation I was gripped by a fear, but fear of what? I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of yet this icy hand of fear was real. I couldn't stay with the fear and immediately moved my body to create a distraction. When the meditation was up and we were asked if anyone had any questions or observations, I launched into an aggressive attack about how the meditation didn't work because it was so long without any talk. I spoke about the fear I felt but glossed over it stating how I could have done what I was doing there at home. But while these words were coming out of my mouth there was another part of me saying 'but you know that you wouldn't meditate for an hour at home'. I quickly pushed this thought away and resumed my rant.
The person taking the evening was remarkably calm and started to speak about the content of thoughts not being important. What is important to be aware of the space between and around the thoughts. I suddenly had an insight that space is stillness because stillness has no movement and there is no movement in space therefore space is stillness. This is why every time we become aware of space we also enter into stillness because one is a quality of the other. I was amazed at this insight because I had never thought of it like this before. This is what I came to this evening to get suggestions that trigger my insights, not to sit for an hour discovering yet again how bad I am at meditation.....
But why do I find it so difficult. Another woman who was there also found it difficult and voiced her concerns. The leader turned it back and said that the way we approach meditation and our expectations around meditation are often a mirror for the way we are in life. If the context for how we live life is that it's difficult and a struggle then the experience of meditation is likely to be the same. I'm still mullling this one over.....
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