Thursday, 4 February 2010

The game is up for the little girl.....but she doesn't want to let go...

I am struggling to keep it together these days. I feel such inner turmoil and conflict going on. The little girl has been exposed but she is still hanging on. I am struggling to understand how this process could be spiritual. I think now it is only psychological. This leads me to ask if there is anything about the process that I say is spiritual (and the purpose for this blog) is really spiritual at all. This is a dark place for me and the last thing I want to do is to write this blog. As I write it is slowly dawning on me that everything I have taken to be spiritual may in fact be psychological. My ease with spiritual literature was not because I am a mystic but because I made a decision not to grow up and by so doing I preserved the consciousness of the right side of my brain. What is spiritual about this? I am reeling from this at the moment and it is a crisis point in my life. I feel so unsure and uncertain and have no-one to talk to about it or nowhere to go.

I am also re-editing my book to get it ready for the India translations and it is adding to the uncertainty I am feeling. I see now so clearly how it is written in the style of a five year old child and now that I have moved on all I am feeling about it is embarassment. It is like the rug has been well and truly pulled out from under me. I feel exactly the same way as I did a number of years ago when something else I thought was spiritual turned out not to be. That time too I was devastated but I picked myself up and continued. This time it is deeper. In some ways I should be celebrating as I have proved to myself the fact that the consciousness between the right and left side of the brain is different but that is poor consolation when I have staked myself and my life on the spiritual dimension. What if there is no spiritual dimension, just the workings of the right brain which give certain experiences and the left which give others. Gosh, I so miss Manuel Schoch. If he were still alive I could speak to him about all this and he would understand what was going on.

That's going to be it for's been an effort to even write as much as I have it's like I see for the first time just how vulnerable I have been in my writing. It is like I have been naked and not able to see it and now that my consciousness has shifted I see it. It's like I was in a state of grace whereby I was completely vulnerable and now I have fallen from that state of grace..similar to Adam and Eve being told not to eat the apple and then they did and then they realised that they were naked. What I have experienced feels somewhat fall from grace happened the moment I unconcealed the decision I made as a five year old child not to grow up because the adult world was unsafe. The moment that decision was unconcealed...I fell from grace.

Now I understand what my friends who read this blog used to warn me to be careful about what I wrote. In the past I could see none of that because to write openly and honestly and fully is so natural when the consciousness is located in the right brain, the tendancy is to be open and vulnerable and not hide anything. Once the consciousness shifts this way of being no longer feels right. I am feeling a distance now to things spiritual which I haven't before. I still have my memories but the actual experience of that powerful Presence which was always close to me is not there anymore. I don't know if this also applies to spiritual literature because all of my books are packed away. I suppose I could go on the internet and start to read something and see if I still have the same resonance....but to be honest I am a little scared to...

I am truly at a crossroads...maybe the time has come for me to let go of this journey...spiritual or pscyhological....only time will tell

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