London city is alive....

I've just returned from a day in the centre of London. I find people watching so fascinating. If you believe like I do in re-incarnation then at some time or another I have had each of their lives and they have had mine. This is just awesome and requires a huge stretch of the imagination to see how it might be possible. One result of this kind of thinking is that I feel an automatic connection with people. I see the soul and not the personality. As the soul is one, then everyone I see is one. I don't always remember feeling like this. I knew the theory that there is no separation but to realize it as more than a theory is something that happens at a bodily level.

I went to see the film 'The Painted Veil' with a friend. The story-line was pretty predictable but the scenery was spectacular. Filmed in China the landscape which was shown was so awesome and left me so humble. The magnificent of nature compared to the littleness of me. The beauty of memory is that once a moving scene is captured in memory it can always be re-discovered by bringing it up in the memory. And the amazing thing is that the brain is not clever enough to tell the difference between a picture in the imagination and a real picture. I remember when I saw the MRI scans to demonstrate this. The same areas of the brain lit up when I imagined someone I knew as did when that person was standing in front of me. This explains why coaches make athletes run the race in their mind. The brain cannot distinguish between fact and fantasy. I think this lies at the root of positive thinking. So what is that tells me the difference between my imagination and reality. This is my mind which is separate to the brain. Some psychologists have said that the mind is 10% of the brain but I consider brain and mind to be separate.

I felt so good this morning after the acupuncture I had yesterday. I noticed that the pictures that were displayed on the walls of the gym seemed to have brighter, sharper colours. I am sure that they were the same pictures that were there last week but I don't remember noticing them as beautiful as they were today. Or even noticing them at all.

For many years I was quite dismissive of such treatments like acupuncture. I thought that everything was in and resulted from, the mind. If the mind is calm the body will be healthy. What I have learned from my acupuncture treatments is that the body has an intelligence of its own. Energy gets blocked in the body. Why it gets blocked is not important. Blocked energy restricts the blood flow. Intervening, whether that is with acupuncture of some other body therapy frees up the blocked energy and as a result perception is sharpened. So now I don't attribute everything to the mind. It is a partnership with both requiring equal attention.

I also found my group cycling class was more effective. I had loads of energy and that is in spite of not going to bed until late and getting up early.

Today I had to plan my advanced speech for Toastmasters for Tuesday night. It is the first speech from the advanced communication manual. My objective is to re-tell an old folk tale. I have decided to tell the story of Beauty and the Beast. This appeals to me because it is a story with a moral that things are not what they seem. This fits with my spiritual thinking and it's a nice story. I found a number of versions of the story on the internet so I can make it nice and long. I am looking forward to giving it because I can tell a good story.....

Feelings will never lie.....

This morning I woke up with a great sense of peace. I also felt more inspired than I have for a long time. I know that this has everything to do with the evening yesterday with the organisation that works for transformation. Up until last night there was an ache, a kind of hunger which I couldn't seem to fill. I thought it was the lack of a relationship yet any efforts in that direction were a disaster. I am inspired by the possibility that I can make a difference to the life of another. That someone can have a magical life because of something I might say to bring about transformation.

Transformation is not about changing. Transformation is not about wanting things to be more, better, different than they are. It is about seeing what is not working in life and giving it up for something else. This organisation is calling me to be bigger than I want to be. I can't do the work I want to do on my own. I will do it within this organisation. Up to now I was resistant to getting more involved with this organisation in terms of doing any kind of voluntary work. Resistance is an interesting phenomena. In the past my resistance took the form of 'it's just cheap labour for the organisation'. I felt so justified in thinking this. As a result the first voluntary agreement I took on was a disaster because part of me was feeling used and exploited.

What I refused to see was how much my team members cared about me, tried to engage me into talking about my life where I would like it be transformed. I didn't engage with any of this and so all I was doing was compaining inwardly. As a result the agreement didn't work. When I explained that this voluntary work wasn't for me there was complete acceptance from the manager. A few searching questions were asked which had my resistance at full peak so there was no possibility of my defences being broken through.

What I now realize is that these people are skilled at recognising resistance and its different levels and this is why nobody is ever written off. All graduates are called from time to time. They realize the importance of timing. On Friday when I was called my resistance was low and so I agreed to give it another go. I am so pleased that I have. Last night I heard how it is as important that the volunteers have the same kind of a transformed life as I will be trying to create for the graduates who I will be calling. I saw none of this the last time. There is a part of us which does not want us to grow and transform, I call this the 'me' of Buddhism. Then there is a far bigger part which gets excited about all of this and that is the 'I'. Resistance is the 'me' and at the beginning is so strong. It is only now that I see just how strong my 'me' resistance was and yet I wasn't happy. I felt so acutely that there was something missing. Now that I have gone through the resistance I see what is available for me. Caught up in the resistance I could see nothing.

The energy of making a difference and the potential and excitement of that stayed with me all day. Even when I put the cheque in the post for my brother this didn't dampen how good I felt. Sitting having a coffee and looking out at trees I felt this deep wave of contentment well up from deep within me. It was so strong that it seemed to move me at a deep physical level. I was amazed.

This evening I had my last acupuncture session. Six weeks ago I was feeling quite low. I had lost my cousin who was only 47 and was married with 7 children the oldest 16 and the youngest 4. Even though I consider myself to be so spiritual understanding that we are only passing through this life, his death hit me hard. I found it impossible to see why 7 children had to be left without a dad who did everything and was everything for his family. I was feeling down and was walking along one of the streets near where I live when I saw a Chinese medical shop. I thought I would go in and say I was feeling a bit down and see if there was any kind of supplement I could take. The Dr took my pulse and asked to see my tongue. Then she said 'depression'. This really surprised me.

Many years ago I had a spiritual experience which happened a couple of weeks after I had taken a hash cookie at a friends party. Because the experience did not happen at the time of taking the cookie I didn't relate it to this. After the experience I was convinced that I had a spiritual destiny. I cut myself off from the world, isolating myself in my flat, reading and writing. I let all my friends go. Then I met a guy who had a masters degree in philosophy. When I told him everything about my life he ruthlessly burst my bubble by making the link between the hash cookie 2 weeks earlier and the experience while meditating. He explained that the change of environment i.e. a meditation retreat, together with prolonged meditation sessions, and the reduced food intake awakened the remains of whatever amount of the drug was left in my brain and it was this that produced the experience. I was devastated, my world came crashing down. I couldn't see a way through and went to the GP who prescribed a mild dose of an antidepressant. I just told her I had had a shock, a kind of bereavement. She didn't ask any more questions, only wrote the prescription which I was grateful for.

I didn't stay on them very long. After I did the first training weekend with the organisation of transformation I saw exactly what story I had been telling myself and felt such freedom in the seeing. I came home and threw the pills away. Now four years later here it was back again. But this time I knew that there would be no anti-depressants. The Dr recommended a course of acupuncture which I agreed to. The next day I felt so full of energy again. What I realize now is that bouts of depression are common on this path. With regard to whether or not it was the drug which caused the experience opinion is divided. Some tell me that it doesn't stay in the brain that long, others say that it can. I remain humble because the truth is that I don't know.

I've just received a text from my brother acknowledging my text to him that I have sent the money...feelings don't lie..and my feeling is that I have done the right thing......

A good day today....

I woke up this morning feeling very happy. I had a bright cheerful hello for everyone at work. Then I went dead. The atmosphere just seemed so heavy and immediately I noticed my mood change. To become one of...I just be quiet like everyone else. I am so lucky that I sit near a window on the 9th floor because if I didn't have this connection with nature first thing in the morning I don't think I would be able to get through the day.

We had a team meeting today and I am always amazed at how when someone asks a question that for me is like listening through a fog that my boss immediately knows what he/she is getting at and produces an answer which is so concise and clear that I marvel. She is such a talented woman but also a very fair and just boss.

On Friday last when I was upset over what I had thought my brother had done I received a call from an organisation I have done some training with. I found this training so powerful in terms of giving me access to having a powerful life. I don't want to state the name of this organisation because of copyright purposes. I have written extensively about this organisation and my experiences with it for my book. This had to go through the organisations lawyers and be authorised before I could write it. I was amazed at how much I was allowed to write and out of respect for how they treated me when I wanted to write, will not write anything here that is in danger of copyright.

The purpose of their call to me was to ask me if I would so voluntary work. I will give a clue the organisation works in the field of transformation. The transformation of oneself first and then of life itself. As my life is all about transformation I have completed all of their courses. What I realised since I haven't been doing any of the work is that when my life is just about me, it's kind of empty and nothing goes really right. My happiest times have been when I have spoken about what the courses have given to me, someone has done it and come back to me and said 'thank you, that was so kind'. Money can't buy the feeling that gives to me and how deeply something within me shifts. Usually when I receive these phone calls I'm usually clear and direct and say 'no' which is always listened to.

On Friday afternoon I was in a different space. I have to recognise and acknowledge that there is something in how I am with my brother which is causing him to behave like this. As part of this agreement to work voluntarily in their office there is the possiiblity to have support to achieve something that you want but up to now have not been able to achieve. I immediately thought of my relationship with my brother and on those grounds agreed to go to an introductory evening which was tonight.

I thoroughly enjoyed the evening. I saw just how much of a difference I can make to others just by being truthful and authentic. I came home so excited and with a new energy and enthusiasm. For me I get more joy and happiness in serving others and being the cause of another to seek that happiness for themselves. I can't give this to others, I recognise that now, but I can be the cause of others seeking it for themselves and this is what my game is going to be for the future. Hop on for the ride.......

Can't rely on technology....

This morning my mobile alarm never went off. I think it was in protest at all the times I jump out of bed, turn it off and return to bed. It's pissed off by it doing its job and me ignoring it. Something woke me at 5.20am and usually I will lie there in that relaxed state between waking and sleeping confident that my mobile alarm will tell me the time. Happy, with anticipation of what the coming day will bring.

But this time I felt an urgency to know the time. When I looked I couldn't believe it, it had never gone off and I had less than half an hour to get to my usual group cycling class. I leaped out of bed like I had been bitten by something and like a mad woman gathered everything together and was there as usual in the gym ready to start my class - and all without much stress. It just worked. This is the way of the spiritual - there is always enough time. I find that I'm never tight for time, or if I am that everything works out.

At my class I did my usual meditation and really enjoyed it. I had my 2nd appointment with the hospital consultant to agree the final details to have bunion surgery on my foot. I was told that I will need to be off work for 8 weeks. This is a long time and driving back in the car I wondered how I was going to break the news to my boss. But I should have had more confidence in her, she was great. I told her before I have a date for the surgery. But I wanted to tell her before rather than just give her the date when I won't be at work for 8 weeks. I didn't tell her that I was also getting the other foot done!

This surgery is really going to test me. I will have below my knee in plaster for the entire 8 weeks. I have been warned of the dangers of not following everything to the letter. I am reminded of the story of Ram Dass in the film which was made about his life called 'Fierce Grace' in which he said that it was only when he had his stroke that his real spiritual journey began. Before he had his stroke he was a world leader and lecturer. All of the halls were filled when Ram Dass gave a talk. I found it very moving in the film to see how now he cannot do anything for himself and has to have 24 hour care. I can't help feeling that it is going to be the same for me albeit on a smaller scale. I will have to be mindful of everything. I will have to accept the boredom which is going to come with 8 weeks of reduced activity.

My inability to go to my group cycling classes and thus miss my twice weekly meditation will be hard for me to deal with. But this is the spiritual training, being OK with things when they are not OK, or not the way that they should be.

Came home and met a special friend for a drink before she leaves London for a new life. After a tough break-up with her boyfriend she went to India and dedicated three months to studying Shivananda yoga. I thought this was amazing. When I went to India I included a 10 day retreat in Boddhgaya where the Buddha had become enlightened. I didn't give up three months of my life. Since then life for her up until recently has been turbulent. I understand that this is what happens at the beginning of the first cycle of transformation when the commitment has been given to follow this path and the process of purification and making the body fit and strong to receive the higher energies begins. I have watched her journey and what I notice is that there are periods of spiritual activity and periods of rest.

The way I compare it is to a seed. You plant a seed in the ground, in fertile soil, give it water, and the leave it to grow in its own time and to its own pattern. It is the same with the spiritual. At the beginning the study and practice is intense. This is to build a firm foundation. Then as in my friends case, other things of life are happening, a new job, new relationship. While she is pursuing all of this, that little seed that she planted in India is growing. In this case it is the inner spark, which is beginning to glow brighter and brighter. As some point this brightness will attract the attention of higher energies and the next step on the first cycle will begin. It is such a fascinating path. And like a seed, where if you give it too much water, it will die, the spiritual is the same, keep prodding and poking and analysing where you are on it and you will kill it.

All of life is spiritual and the secret of growth is to enter into all aspects. The Divine is both in everything and integral to everything. By Divine I don't mean God. God to me is a loaded term and for me. It describes how the universe is maintained. The G - means Generate which is where a form, whether this is of an animal or human is generated, The O is for operations - this refers to the life of that form, the experiences it has for that lifetime. The D is for Death which is when the form no longer ceases to be. So for me God is not the Divine energy but is how the Divine ensures that the universe continues to exist.

A wet rainy Monday......

This morning I woke up to my mobile alarm going 'it's time to get up, the time is 4.30am'. I raised an ear from the pillow, heard the rain, my inner voice said 'get up and meditate' I said 'nah' and went back to sleep. Woke up 2 hours later more tired and totally fed up with myself. Dragged myself out of bed and couldn't shake off the shame of having let my laziness get the better of me. I wanted to go to the gym as well.

Got into work and really didn't want to be there. I was delighted that I had gone down to the centre where I am giving the workshop with a flyer for them to put up on their notice board yesterday when the weather was dry. The woman there looked at it and said 'that's nice' which reassured me. It's ridiculous how nervous I felt walking up the stairs and giving her the flyer. I don't even want to do this workshop so what is this inner urge to do it which is stronger than me. My mobile has been eerily quiet all day. This path is so frustrating. The gifts are not given unless there is a commitment to use them to benefit others. Then when they are given, it's impossible to give them to others. This is the biggest joke on the spiritual path. And yet this path is about service so I have to keep plodding on.

After Richard Dawkins programme last night I had this overwhelming urge to try to contact him. I knew that he was a professor at Oxford University so I put these details into the Oxford University website hoping to get an email address for him. It would have been a miracle if it was this easy but of course it wasn't. Not one to accept defeat once I have put my mind to something, I phoned up Oxford University and asked what the best way was of contacting him. A very nice man gave me a number but when I called that all I got was an answering machine. I left a message asking to be called back but it's a good job I wasn't holding my breath waiting for an answer because I would be dead by now....you've guessed it, nobody called me back.

I realised at lunchtime that this blog is going to be very boring if it's all about me and my life so what I am going to do from time to time is to take some writing and expand on it. At the moment I am reading for the second time a book called The Soul - The Quality of Life which is published by the Lucis Trust and is one of the books which Alice Bailey wrote through a process of channelling. Today the chapter was all about service. It makes the distinction between service which comes from the personality and service that comes from the soul.

When the desire to serve comes from the personality it is usually experienced as 'I will serve you, but only if you take on my views and be obedient to me'. Service of the soul has no personality associated with it. It is service for service sake not to satisfy any desire of the personality. One proof of gauging whether or not service comes from the personality or the soul is to see how much attachment is associated with it. To give a simple example. If somebody comes to me for advice and I give it and then the same person comes to me a few days later with the same problem. I know that the advice I gave the first time has not been acted on. If I then get angry and think something like 'I gave you all this advice last time, you're a total waste of space' then this is not service from the soul. It is service from the personality because there was something I wanted for myself i.e. my advice to be acted on. The soul does not recognise personality issues such as me and mine and want. It is universal and not personal. Many of the cults which purport to be of service are in reality only in service of the personality and not of the soul. This is why they will never be universally accepted because they concern themselves with service to the personality.

I have always been wary of cults and organisations which cut themselves off from society and demand that their followers do the same. Soul and Spirit are inclusive, not exclusive. When this happens it is the demands of the personality which are being played out. The soul will never demand this exclusivity because it goes against its very nature. I consider this distinction between the service of the personality and the service of the soul to be an important one. It explains for me why I have always been cautious of Guru's. I'm not saying that all Gurus are only in service to their personality because I do not know that this true. But I think it's an idea worth thinking about and discussing. Everything I write in this blog are just views that I write. They are not intended to offend just to stimulate much needed debate around the entire spiritual phenomena, to sort out what is real from what is illusion and glamour. If this blog begins this debate then I will have more than delivered on my life's purpose.

I am going to copy direct from page 138 of this book because I think it is important to be authentic 'by citing where information which triggers insights comes from. Bailey says 'This effect (service, my word) is somewhat in the nature of a reflection in the lower nature of a higher consciousness and therefore today we have much running after service and much philanthropic effort. All of it is, however deeply coloured by personality, and it often produces much harm, for people seek to impose their ideas of service and their personal techniques upon other aspirants' The reader will have to go deep within and establish for him/herself whether or not these words resonate.

I have noticed a strange phenomena happening when I am speaking to people or more accurately when they are speaking to me. While they are speaking I can't make sense of anything they are saying until they get to the end. Then a picture forms and I can understand and respond appropriately. This is such a strange thing, it's like being in a fog for most of the conversation with things only becoming clear at the end. It is making me a great listener though because the quality of the picture which forms at the end depends on the quality of my listening. This is definitely something that has only recently happened. It's like I can't process bits of information I have to wait to get the bigger picture and then work backwards and identify the pieces.

Psychologists may see this as right brain functioning where the brain sees the bigger picture and then works backwards. Left brain people identify the bits as they go along and then put them together to make the big picture. I have felt for many years that my uncorrected lazy right eye has contributed to an imbalance in the brain such that my right brain works harder to compensate for the lack of stimulation to the left brain. I have tried to speak with friends about this in the past but they just used to laugh or else would make a joke of it by asking me 'what side of the brain is coming out for a beer tonight!' I used to laugh but inwardly I was in despair. Would I ever get anyone to take me seriously....... Now when I observe how I am processing and responding to information I am even more convinced that I am right brain dominant. If you put spirituality and right brain into Google millions of references come up so this link has been made in the past.

I have time tonight to write this blog because my speech for toastmasters is not until next Tuesday evening so I was pleased about it. I am going to step out of my comfort zone and tell the story of The Little Soul and the Sun. When I have refreshed my memory of the story I will re-tell it in this blog.......

Contentment which does not depend on external circumstances...

I walked to work this morning and I had such a feeling of contentment. Walking through the park I was struck yet again by the beauty of nature. I didn't experience any merging but this didn't make the experience of walking through such beauty any less of a privilege. I become more and more convinced that the key to contentment lies in total acceptance of what is at every moment. As I said before this doesn't mean that we have to like what is at that moment. The skill is not to resist and the way of not resisting is to accept. In this way it is possible to have a contentment which is not dependent on outside events.

It seemed so important today to sort out the money for my brother. Usually I don't go out at lunchtime. I prefer to sit and read a book. Not today, my mind was relentless with its demand to go to the building society and sort this out. On this path it is so important to trust yourself and listen and act on the inner voice. I spoke to people about this matter and most said I shouldn't pay it, or I should tell him that I wasn't consulted and therefore wasn't paying. What was interesting and touching to me was how upset and angry people became on my behalf. In the end though, I did what my inner prompting told me which was to send my share without any questions. The time for questions of this nature may come later.

You will always know when you have acted on the inner prompting and it is right, because there will be an experience of tremendous relief which is what I felt. And it's not the relief that comes from guilt. It's the relief that comes from having the integrity to do the right thing. Everything was different at work in the afternoon. My computer performed like a dream. My emails flowed and work was a truly pleasant experience. Gazing out of the window at the blue sky I thanked the universe for giving me the choice to take this path when I was a young girl.

As I write this I am listening to an Elvis Presley CD and he is singing 'Amazing Grace' and the resonance of his voice is making the hackles stand up on the back of my neck. He was a deeply spiritual man. That talent was spiritual but he was also a tormented soul. The torment of a soul that wants to touch that elusive presence but is in conflict with a mind that wants the decadent things of life. This inner turmoil reflected itself in his body which became obese. There is no mistaking the power of his voice in his gospel music. I often find myself singing some of the lyrics when I am walking and I know that this is meditation and is necessary to keep alive the practice that is necessary for this path. It is a form of constant mindfulness.

Richard Dawkins has a programme on later on Channel 4 called 'Enemies of reason' which I will write about afterwards because I have a lot of time for him. I was bowled over by his latest book 'The God Delusion'. In it he hammers home the disservice we do to children by indoctrinating them in some religion thus depriving them of the free will to choose. This really resonated with me. I would have loved to have had knowledge that Buddhism existed when Catholicism was being beaten into me (not physically but psychologically, which in my opinion does more lasting damage). There was so much about the Catholic doctrine and dogma which didn't feel right. I remember a blazing row with my mother when she wanted me to go to confession. I refused saying 'he's just a man, I'm not going to a man'. My mother is a staunch and devout Catholic and this challenge to her raison d'etre and her belief that priests were God's ambassadors did not go down well. But even at that early stage I could see a difference between spiritual and religious. I had an early and deep connection with something I called God and I didn't believe in going through a middle man. To this day I still do not believe in going through a middle man. The spiritual is about going direct through the inner world. All the answers are within. As long as you keep looking outside of yourself for answers that are within yourself so long will the search go on in vain. The answers will never be found outside of ourselves.

The human personality is composed of 3 kinds of energy which are held within three planes. The physical which gives the human body, the astral plane which gives us our emotions and the mental plane which gives us our thoughts. For many years the energy of the astral plane has largely dominated spirituality The astral plane is the plane which is next to the physical plane and gives paranormal powers to mediums and clairvoyants. It operates on the principle of emotion and desire. If you want to see or hear something badly enough, then you will and you can make it fit and be more or less accurate. In the past this was largely how people validated the spiritual. I used to wonder why a Catholic medium would never contact Buddha or Mohammad. It seemed to be always culture specific which I found interesting and wondered about. But I see something changing. I don't see as many psychics, tarot card readers, mediums. It's like the influence of the astral plane is weakening and this is causing the breakdown of these powers such that they are not as powerful. I have noticed from friends who have gone recently to mediums that they don't seem as sure of the information they are bringing through as they would have done in the past. I think that this is part of the larger picture of planetary evolution. The next plane is that of the mental plane with its emphasis on reason and spiritual discernment. It is this that is starting to make its presence felt. Most recently through the writings of people like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens.

At the last mind, body, spirit festival I went to because I wanted an aura photograph for my book I was struck by how few psychics there were there compared to other years. I was also struck by how fat the majority of them were. This is always a cause of suspicion for me because the body is not designed to be fat. There is energy deep within the body which requires a light frame in order for the vibration to reach a high enough level to rise safely. There is something not quite right about an overweight medium. To say this is not me being judgmental, it is to be spiritually discerning. The spiritual path is strewn with human wrecks. Being discerning will guard against this. If something about something doesn't feel right, then I will honour this and look more deeply, gathering reasons for why this might be. It is the quality of reason which determines how fast or slow one goes on this path. It's not obedience. Obedience will get you nowhere. You have to be alert, aware and ask questions and then go within to listen to the answer. It is there and will be shown to you if you ask with a sincere and open heart. Humility is also very important. Ego cannot be present at the same moment as humility. Politeness in all circumstances and to everybody is one practice which keeps down the activity of the selfish ego mind. The ego-mind is anything but humble or polite so to make this a practice is good for controlling the influence of the ego-mind. Every time we are polite the ego-mind gets weaker and the soul influence becomes stronger.

Richard Dawkins programme 'Enemies of reason' has just finished. I found some parts of it so funny. He looked so out of place in a spiritualist church. I was delighted to see that he interviewed the famous illusionist Darren Brown. I have great respect for Darren. I respect his honesty. At the beginning of all of his programmes he lays out where he is coming from in that he says he is a magician, illusionist who achieves what he does by a mixture of psychology, hypnosis, suggestion. He never suggests paranormal powers and for that I really respect him. His power for me is not diminished because he doesn't claim a divine link. It is because he doesn't that I would feel far more comfortable in his presence than in the presence of any psychic who claims to have that direct link.

What was interesting for me watching this programme was how the attitude of those being interviewed changed when Dawkins went in with some specific targetted questions. There was a level of defensiveness which only happens when there is a challenge to a belief. Those who are confident in what they do and say will never go on the defensive when challenged. Defensiveness is always a sign of fear. I found Dawkins quite open and willing to listen to the views of those he interviewed. He was measured in his responses and without much emotion, unlike some of those he interviewed. Emotion tends to distort. He used much of the programme to attack astrology which I also don't have much time for. The planets are a fact but their possible or claimed for effects cannot be scientifically proven and so for me the effects are story's which have been made up around the planets. It is important to distinguish and separate what is truth from what is story. Living life from stories is like living a life that is built on shifting sand.

I was a little concerned that the programme opened with a vignette of people reciting a Buddhist mantra which is from a specific Buddhist school. Mantras are not in the same category as psychic and the paranormal. Mantras are aimed at quieting the mind so the body can become relaxed. The theory is that while the mind is focussed on one thing i.e. a mantra that it can't also be thinking about other things. It is the focussing on the mantra which brings the attention directly into the present. This then stills the mind. But I am aware that this is just a view I hold. I don't know that it is true, it is just the way it seems to me.

At the end of the 1st programme in this series. I'm not sure what effect the programme will have. I disagree with his fears that science and reason are going to be drowned by irrational superstitution and the paranormal. I really don't feel that this will happen. It appears stronger now because it is dying. The astral plane which gives the energy for this is fading. The dragon is always at its strongest when it's dying. It is the same with the whole area of psychics, mediums, tarot card readers and clairvoyants.

It was interesting that he also visited a psychic fair and had his aura taken. The aura is meant to be the energetic blueprint which shows our spiritual nature. I understand his frustration because I share much of it. But what Dawkins does not appear to give any credence to is the power of an experience. I can go to great lengths to explain a banana the texture, it's taste and other qualities but unless I can actually taste the banana, then all I have is an idea a concept. But once I taste the banana then I have the experience. As a result I will never confuse a banana with another fruit. After the experience must come reason and the search for evidence. The problem with too many people is that they become so absorbed in their experiences. They add to the experience a story about what it means and then live the rest of their lives from this story of what they made the experience mean. In the process losing all objectivity. Dawkins has concepts and ideas but does not appear to have any direct experiences which is a pity because much could be learned from the reason that he would apply to such subjective experiences. Experiences are also transformative in that they shift consciousness and so alter one's view of the world. This is what many of the people he interviewed on the programme were trying to tell him. I commend him on his stance on reason. The world of subjective feeling is cunning and out to trap. Reason for me is the only true indicator of reality.

When I experienced the rising of energy from the base of my spine which gave me such a different outlook on life. I looked for a reason for this. My lazy right eye meant something had happened in my brain was one reason. I didn't get absorbed in the experience and its effects to the detriment of reason. Reason is a huge safety factor on the spiritual path. Without reason one loses all objectivity and gets trapped and addicted to one's own subjective ego mind. It is this loss of objectivity which Dawkins is fighting so hard against. .... The 2nd programme is about how the faith in the supernatural is affecting health....so watch this space. This is a long blog this evening but then there was a lot to write.......

The weekend is almost over.....

Today I saw the early signs of autumn. I was transfixed by leaves that were spotted with yellow. The beauty of this stopped me in my tracks as I was walking to the gym and for an instant I was those leaves. This was a strange experience. The only way I can describe it is that my consciousness seemed to expand so that the leaves and me were one. I always get stopped by beauty especially rainbows. Whenever I see a rainbow my entire mind goes blank, there is nothing there but the experience of the rainbow. The rainbow reflects the energetic chakras in the body. The colours of the chakras follow the same colours as the rainbow. I connect most powerfully with the rainbow because of its transient and impermanent nature. For me it is a real gift when I look out of my window at the right time and catch the rainbow, these are such precious and special moments for me when everything else goes out of my mind and there is a unity and a dissolving of the sense of separation.

This sense of merging is so difficult to explain using words. No words can do justice to experiences like these. In fact writing this seems in some way to diminish its power. I know that this is not the case and it is important to write it as part of a spiritual blog like this is, to give a flavour of the experience no matter how clumsy it may appear to be. An experience where all boundaries dissolve is like no other and once experienced can never be forgotten. It gives the proof that there is more to be known than what is known already. The lesson from it is not to crave for another experience like that. The next time I am walking along and see leaves like this, I may not have a repeat of this experience and that is OK too. I can stop and appreciate the beauty and perfection without my consciousness expanding and the sense of time and place disappearing.

On the other side of the coin things of life are becoming increasingly difficult and confusing. On Sunday morning I do one class of aerobics and one class of body pump and afterwards some of the class and the instructor meet in the cafe for breakfast. My conversation with the guys are clumsy and awkward. It is like I have a lot of sleeping people in front of me who act as men guards. Whenever there is a man who wants to speak to me to they all stand up in front of me and distort the communication, acting like shields so that I do not understand the meanings or significance of what is said. I don't pick up on veiled hints about going out, or invitations. These men guards are so effective in ensuring that any conversation which could be interpreted or viewed as flirtatious does not get through to me. I know rationally that this cannot be true but the number of times things go pear shaped around men makes me wonder if this self-sabotage mechanism is part of this path. It's like when you commit to this path that the choice is between the path with everything it involves or nothing. The path is without any distractions of any kind. This would explain the one-pointedness which is necessary and it seems to be that at a certain point on this path this one-pointedness is imposed.

I don't recall having these issues on the first cycle. Relationships did happen even if they were short! On this cycle it's all distorted and I don't seem to have any desire. Normally this doesn't bother me but occasionally I get a thought that I should try to be a bit more normal and do normal things like have a relationship and all my efforts get distorted. When this isn't frustrating it is intriguing. It is like my deepening of the spiritual comes at the price of the fading away of the material. Once the material with its desires is transcended, there there is no way back. It's like getting so far up a ladder and when you turn and look down, the rungs are gone so there is no way back.

I took a bus today and sat by the window. My attention was drawn to a wasp that was on the next window. It was making its way up the window. I was suddenly struck by how even a tiny wasp has an inner urge to move upwards with all the risks it involves. There is the risk of falling at any moment and having to begin again. In the efforts of that wasp I saw the spiritual path. Unlike the wasp that made it to the top without falling, the spiritual journey for a human is full of falls. I know that I have my fair share of falls but with every fall I pick myself up, dust myself off and start again.

I see the spiritual path as having two main phases. The first is transformation which is where the distinction between the me of the mind with its wants and desire and the I of the soul is seen. The former is made more weak and the latter made stronger. The second phase is that of transcendence where the lower is surrrendered to the higher. The transition period is the most difficult where there is a letting go of the lower but not yet contact with the higher. There is a sense of the higher and occasional glimpses of the higher but not yet an enduring stable consciousness anchored in the higher. I'm aware that this writing is esoteric and requires thinking about but I feel sure that there is a message there for the willing and patient reader.

Oh well...tomorrow is the start of another week. I have 2 weeks to promote my 1 September workshop. It is something I feel compelled to do. I don't have any great desire to do it, it just seems like something I have to do. As I write this I am reminded of the words 'you teach what it is you have to learn'. Perhaps I have come as far as I can with book learning on my own and now in the process of me giving what I have learned and experienced I will discover what it is I have to learn. It's easy when you're sitting at home with spiritual books which confirm one's own thoughts to get complacent. What will be more challenging is listening to others point and view and their spiritual journey without judging or wanting to interfere with the direction that the path is taking for them. This is tempting because I find that I can identify what is going on in people's lives. I'm not clairvoyant and I don't claim to be but there are gifts which develop as one perseveres with this path. These gifts are increased sensitivity and intuitiveness. They allow a certain kind of non-mind intelligence.