The title of this blog entry is definitely the way I felt in college today. The day started off brilliantly with an email from the person I had worked with when I was on work experience saying that she liked the interview I did with the woman who has MS and is going to use it. I was so happy to receive this and dying to tell someone that I went out to the woman of the house here and shared it with her. I was so moved to see how enthusiastic and happy she was for me and in that moment I saw that I am keeping myself small, separate and alone from this family and maybe that is not what they want. Once again my point of view had made it seem that the way to be was to keep myself separate.
It was a beautiful bright sunny day and I got myself ready to go to college to endure the delights of 2 hours of shorthand. I'm still trying to decide about our shorthand teacher. She is what we would call in Ireland 'a character'. One thing I know for sure is that she is not as dumb as she would liks us to think she is. Once she fixes you with her beady eyes there is no escape as she brandishes her whiteboard pen with the verocity of any samurai warrior. Luckily I haven't come under her wrath yet. I don't know what it is about Monday but after the shorthand I just want to have the rest of the day off. Chance would be a fine thing as following close on the heels of shorthand is an hours sub-editing and then 3 hours of feature writing. By the end of most Mondays I have lost the will to live.
I was dreading being given back my copy for the last feature exercise we did in class because I felt that really didn't know what I was thinking, not to mind what I was writing. I had done a review on the DVD The Secret and as I sat at my computer trying to do the next exercise we were given my mind was in turmoil with all kinds of thoughts, none of them powerful or empowering. There seems to be some kind of hierarchical order to him returning the beloved manuscripts to their owners in terms of how good they are. After a long while I was called up for feedback on mine. To my surprise the lecturer had watched The Secret which I was surprised about for some reason I don't know. Then came a similar story 'too flat, needs more spice, lose the restraint...aagh...mind went into orbit. How can it be that this morning I get an email from a magazine accepting an article and this evening I'm feeling like I can't even put words into a sentence not to mind have those sentences be witty and brilliant.
College over for the day I dragged my weary body home. I showered and then went downstairs. Yesterday the family were cooking a traditional meal, I came down stairs and said that it smelt nice. I was invited to have some when it was ready. I said 'yes' But then I went out. For some reason it was bugging me that I didn't get to be my word and when I went downstairs this evening, the woman was in the kitchen preparing dinner. I went to the fridge and busied myself with some carrots. She was very quiet not saying much and I wondered if everything was OK. Remembering my promise to myself to raise it about having said 'yes' to the traditional meal to acknowledge that I had been invited and then had gone out I brought up how I didn't get to taste the food yesterday. This acknowledgement from me totally shifted the energy. She suddenly became so chatty and immediately said 'we are going to have it this evening, have some with us' and that was it. 20 mins later I was sitting down with the entire family laughing and hearing all about life from their different perspectives and it was the most enjoyable 2 hours. From it I saw that it is only my point of view that is keeping me separate and alone in this room. Now I'm savvy enough to know that this doesn't mean that I'm now included in every evening meal, but it means I have a different kind of relatedness to them all now. I won't feel like I'm intruding to start a conversation in the future and that is a great relief.
Today I read something very interesting in the Guardian media. It talked about how writing for niche markets which in the past were looked on as the poor relation when it came to writing for popular newspapers and magazines is possibly where the growth is going to be in this recession especially the business to business reporting. I was encouraged to read this because I feel I am writing for a niche market. Dare I say that it is a spiritual market when I am in a constant enquiry about whether or not I am spiritual, it's maybe not the right word, but it's most suitable for me at the moment. I think that what I bring through this blog is one view of how spiritual development occurs from a grounded and objective angle. I have had powerful experiences that is true and my ability to integrate them so that I can now write as an interested observer makes this an interesting blog, at least I hope it is......
Monday, 2 March 2009
Sunday, 1 March 2009
I returned to Brighton early yesterday and it was a beautiful sunny evening when I emerged into the street from the station. I was waiting for a bus and connecting with the blueness of the sky which was truly beautiful when a woman with a buggy and 2 children hanging from the handles icame up and handed me an all day ticket for the bus which she had finished with. I thanked her and took the ticket. Sitting in the bus going along the coast road and seeing the clear blue sea and the brilliant blue sky I had such an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude. The sea has the power to take my consciousness to the point of nothing. To the state where there are no thoughts there is just experience. There is just a beingness and a connection with something that is so much bigger than me but yet that loves me unconditionally.
I let myself into the house and the family were so warm and welcoming. It's still a challenge to live with a family and not be a part of it but I know that they are becoming more relaxed around me and I am with them also. Sooner or later though I will have to look seriously for a place of my own. Today has been the first Sunday that I have spent here since I started my course and it was such a lovely day. The weather wasn't as good as yesterday evening but that made no difference to me. I could get out and spend time in the company of the sea and as always all the turbulance that was in my mind was calmed just by being in the presence of the sea. I consider myself to be so lucky to be living so close to it. I went back to the cafe where I can sit undisturbed and gaze out of the window.
I could have spent the day doing shorthand or studying my public affairs notes but instead I have spent much of it reading everything I can on Vortex Healing(r). The more I think about it the more right it feels for me to understand more about it. There is something about the way the card for this healing came to me which won't leave me alone. I had been deliberately shown it. I had not come across it in a shop window but it had been shown to me, not because of what it was but because the woman who showed it to me had picked it up because she wanted to know who had printed the card. But the moment I saw it I was drawn so deeply to it that I spontaneously asked her if I could keep it which is not like me at all.
I looked up the main Vortex Healing energy site and I have been amazed at what I have been reading. It's a complicated system to learn and there are lots of modules but the gist of it is that it's about clearing out the channel for the kundalini. This makes so much more sense to me. What was also interesting was that I speak about the energy that is released when we see and give up ways of being that don't work. This healing works in the same way but instead of it being free to create like I assserted, the blocked energy which in this system is known as conditioning is transformed into Divine light and Divine consciousness.
I'm really looking forward to starting the classes. I feel like this is my next step on this spiritual journey. It is at times like this when I'm at yet another crossroads that my mind thinks of a teacher but this is my journey and as long as I stay true to myself I will be protected. The biggest thing I have to watch is my own tendancy to create others as separate to me and me in some way superior. I can't and won't deny the experience I had of being drawn into a vortex but any conclusions or meaning I put on it is not the truth and certainly doesn't make me better than anyone else. My identity at the moment is playing dirty and I know that it is not personal. To understand about the witness and to be able to stand apart from the thoughts in my head and be an outsider with enough clarity to write about it is a great gift for me.
I'm trying to write and be unrestrained but I still find myself going back after every paragraph and editing it. You would think that given this obsession that I would be a good sub-editor and if it didn't involve manipulating text and pictures so that they fitted nicely on a page I would, but the last lecture session on using In design almost saw the end of me. Everyone else clicks a button, the bloody thing does what the lecturer said it would do. I click the same button (obviously wasn't!) and I lose the whole thing. Then I have to annoy the guy beside me who is doing gymnastics with his copy, the speed with which things are coming into and going out of the screen. I feel the jealousy well up in me like bile and I smile wryly to myself. My inner voice led by my identity seizes the opportunity and all of a sudden I have a barrage of thoughts that go something like 'you're absolutely useless, everyone else can do it and you can't'. I acknowledge they are there and smile. Then they have no more power and they like everything else they too go and I am left peaceful and calm but still with a frustratingly blank screen.
One thing I don't think I have given any credit for in my difficulty around gadgets that operate on logic is the fact that I am partially sighted. The cells in my right eye have never developed. I remember vaguely when I was a child having to wear these horrible ugly black rimmed glasses from the NHS that I point blank refused to wear. From an early age I struggled with maths. Then in my late 20's my vision started to blur and I went to the optician. He explained that my right eye has never developed and my left which did have perfect vision has now started to deteriorate. He could give me a prescription for my left eye but not for my right eye. In my book I go into a lot of detail about the possibility that my right brain has overcompensated for the lack of stimulation going to my left brain from my right eye so that the right brain works harder. Spirituality has been associated with the right brain and for many years I was convinced (a little bit of me still is if I am to be honest) that my ability to understand spirtual truths and the experiences I have had is more a function of an overdeveloped right brain and less to do with the Divine throw of a dice. I wrote letters and emails to many people psychologists and optometrists to see if there was any evidence to back up what is a perfectly reasonable explanation to me. But all of my queries came to nothing.
I think this is why I am so hesitant to assert myself as spiritual. I think I am some kind of quirk of nature. I always ask myself 'would I have had the experience of the Vortex if I had two proper functioning eyes and the truth is that I don't know'. I can't for definite say yes or no which leaves me somewhat in limbo. I liken it to when one kidney stops working, the other will take over its function. But because both kidneys do the same thing no differences are seen. The left and right brain do different things and if I am working more of my right brain to compensate for the left then differences are going to be seen. Where people dip in and out of the right brain (i.e. access it through meditation, trance, channelling') I live there by virtue of the fact that the left brain is not being stimulated. I have no evidence for what I assert, it just feels like a more honest explanation to me.
What all this preamble is building up to is that I am now going to start speaking about what I realise is a disability. I am partially sighted, this is a disability. I didn't want to think of myself as having a disability because in my head that meant damaged. I realise now that it doesn't mean this and if I have the courage to begin to speak about being partially sighted and the challenges it brings especially around computers then I can allow myself to be supported instead of beating myself up and labelling myself as stupid. I can accept what is and that is that I have a disability and I will need additional support around technology. How much of an irony is this.. to face up to this at the start of a journalism course where having multi-media skills (having a video clip on an article as well as text and graphics) is so important for landing that great journalism job......suddenly living all alone half-way up a mountain is very attractive......
I let myself into the house and the family were so warm and welcoming. It's still a challenge to live with a family and not be a part of it but I know that they are becoming more relaxed around me and I am with them also. Sooner or later though I will have to look seriously for a place of my own. Today has been the first Sunday that I have spent here since I started my course and it was such a lovely day. The weather wasn't as good as yesterday evening but that made no difference to me. I could get out and spend time in the company of the sea and as always all the turbulance that was in my mind was calmed just by being in the presence of the sea. I consider myself to be so lucky to be living so close to it. I went back to the cafe where I can sit undisturbed and gaze out of the window.
I could have spent the day doing shorthand or studying my public affairs notes but instead I have spent much of it reading everything I can on Vortex Healing(r). The more I think about it the more right it feels for me to understand more about it. There is something about the way the card for this healing came to me which won't leave me alone. I had been deliberately shown it. I had not come across it in a shop window but it had been shown to me, not because of what it was but because the woman who showed it to me had picked it up because she wanted to know who had printed the card. But the moment I saw it I was drawn so deeply to it that I spontaneously asked her if I could keep it which is not like me at all.
I looked up the main Vortex Healing energy site and I have been amazed at what I have been reading. It's a complicated system to learn and there are lots of modules but the gist of it is that it's about clearing out the channel for the kundalini. This makes so much more sense to me. What was also interesting was that I speak about the energy that is released when we see and give up ways of being that don't work. This healing works in the same way but instead of it being free to create like I assserted, the blocked energy which in this system is known as conditioning is transformed into Divine light and Divine consciousness.
I'm really looking forward to starting the classes. I feel like this is my next step on this spiritual journey. It is at times like this when I'm at yet another crossroads that my mind thinks of a teacher but this is my journey and as long as I stay true to myself I will be protected. The biggest thing I have to watch is my own tendancy to create others as separate to me and me in some way superior. I can't and won't deny the experience I had of being drawn into a vortex but any conclusions or meaning I put on it is not the truth and certainly doesn't make me better than anyone else. My identity at the moment is playing dirty and I know that it is not personal. To understand about the witness and to be able to stand apart from the thoughts in my head and be an outsider with enough clarity to write about it is a great gift for me.
I'm trying to write and be unrestrained but I still find myself going back after every paragraph and editing it. You would think that given this obsession that I would be a good sub-editor and if it didn't involve manipulating text and pictures so that they fitted nicely on a page I would, but the last lecture session on using In design almost saw the end of me. Everyone else clicks a button, the bloody thing does what the lecturer said it would do. I click the same button (obviously wasn't!) and I lose the whole thing. Then I have to annoy the guy beside me who is doing gymnastics with his copy, the speed with which things are coming into and going out of the screen. I feel the jealousy well up in me like bile and I smile wryly to myself. My inner voice led by my identity seizes the opportunity and all of a sudden I have a barrage of thoughts that go something like 'you're absolutely useless, everyone else can do it and you can't'. I acknowledge they are there and smile. Then they have no more power and they like everything else they too go and I am left peaceful and calm but still with a frustratingly blank screen.
One thing I don't think I have given any credit for in my difficulty around gadgets that operate on logic is the fact that I am partially sighted. The cells in my right eye have never developed. I remember vaguely when I was a child having to wear these horrible ugly black rimmed glasses from the NHS that I point blank refused to wear. From an early age I struggled with maths. Then in my late 20's my vision started to blur and I went to the optician. He explained that my right eye has never developed and my left which did have perfect vision has now started to deteriorate. He could give me a prescription for my left eye but not for my right eye. In my book I go into a lot of detail about the possibility that my right brain has overcompensated for the lack of stimulation going to my left brain from my right eye so that the right brain works harder. Spirituality has been associated with the right brain and for many years I was convinced (a little bit of me still is if I am to be honest) that my ability to understand spirtual truths and the experiences I have had is more a function of an overdeveloped right brain and less to do with the Divine throw of a dice. I wrote letters and emails to many people psychologists and optometrists to see if there was any evidence to back up what is a perfectly reasonable explanation to me. But all of my queries came to nothing.
I think this is why I am so hesitant to assert myself as spiritual. I think I am some kind of quirk of nature. I always ask myself 'would I have had the experience of the Vortex if I had two proper functioning eyes and the truth is that I don't know'. I can't for definite say yes or no which leaves me somewhat in limbo. I liken it to when one kidney stops working, the other will take over its function. But because both kidneys do the same thing no differences are seen. The left and right brain do different things and if I am working more of my right brain to compensate for the left then differences are going to be seen. Where people dip in and out of the right brain (i.e. access it through meditation, trance, channelling') I live there by virtue of the fact that the left brain is not being stimulated. I have no evidence for what I assert, it just feels like a more honest explanation to me.
What all this preamble is building up to is that I am now going to start speaking about what I realise is a disability. I am partially sighted, this is a disability. I didn't want to think of myself as having a disability because in my head that meant damaged. I realise now that it doesn't mean this and if I have the courage to begin to speak about being partially sighted and the challenges it brings especially around computers then I can allow myself to be supported instead of beating myself up and labelling myself as stupid. I can accept what is and that is that I have a disability and I will need additional support around technology. How much of an irony is this.. to face up to this at the start of a journalism course where having multi-media skills (having a video clip on an article as well as text and graphics) is so important for landing that great journalism job......suddenly living all alone half-way up a mountain is very attractive......
Saturday, 28 February 2009
After the dark.....there is always the light.....
I had dreaded going into college on Friday because of how isolated and lonely I had felt on Thursday. I desperately wanted to clear up about what I had written but didn't see how. What I realised is that I don't get second chances. In the past when I have upset someone by something I have said or done the other person killed me off by rejecting my attempts to re-open the conversation to sort it out so that a new level of relationship could be established.
My restraint around people is the result of feeling that I won't be given a second chance if I upset them and so I am cautious and restrained around what I say. My true self-expression is reserved for this blog. Friday came and mid-way through the morning the person who I have upset came to me and said 'I want to speak to you about your blog'. This was the outcome I had hoped for but never believed I would get. I said 'absolutely, talk to me'. She acknowledged that as it is my blog I can write what I like and that I was pefectly entitled to my opinions but that I had misquoted her and it was this that had most offended her. I understand as a trainee journalist that to misquote someone is a complete no, no in the writing world and I was surprised at this because I consider myself to be a good listener.
Then I suddenly had an insight into how my point of view may have made me mishear what she had said. I misheard her when I thought she said about 'kundalini not being that powerful'. I misheard her because my point of view was creating me to be separate from her and this comment increased the separation thus strengthening my point of view. I was really amazed to see this and I take complete responsibility for it and through this blog want to be clear that I have misquoted her in that blog entry.
She also spoke about feeling invaded and of not feeling easy with me anymore. I can understand this. I don't think I would feel comfortable spending time with someone I knew wrote a diary blog and that I could appear in it favourably or unfavourabl in any entry. I totally understand this and I have given a commitment that in future blog entries, no mention will be made of her and I will stay true to this. I see now that I have come out of a dark place. From really believing that I don't get second chances I see now that I do. One person has been willing to re-open the lines of communication and not want to kill me off and this is just so brilliant.
On Thursday night I was looking for something in my rucksack and I came across a business card from a woman who does vortex healing. I was so low and desperately looking for some way to shift something and this card had been shown to me by the mother of the family I live with. The moment I looked at it I was drawn to it. I asked her if I could keep it. I believe that when things like this happen that there is something there for me. I spent a couple of minutes looking at the card before I picked up the phone. I dialled the number and this woman with a not English accent answered the phone. I explained that I was drawn to her card and wanted to know about vortex healing. I understand that my experience in Devon was like being drawn up into a vortex of energy and I wanted to know more. It turns out that she is planning to do a four week course on vortex healing which isn't going to be very expensive. I told her about my experience of being drawn into a vortex and she seemed to understand immediately what I was speaking about which was such a relief to me. I asked to be contacted when she has decided on the dates for this course and after I put the phone down felt a peace and calm that had been absent up to that point.
I have since had an email with her confirming that she is going to have this course. It makes sense to me that as it was an experience of a vortex that I had that I should learn more about it and how to be a clearing for it. On the spiritual journey it is so important to be vigilant and alert to all the ways that the universe shows us the next step. I knew the moment I saw the card that this is my next step....but my next step to what.......
My restraint around people is the result of feeling that I won't be given a second chance if I upset them and so I am cautious and restrained around what I say. My true self-expression is reserved for this blog. Friday came and mid-way through the morning the person who I have upset came to me and said 'I want to speak to you about your blog'. This was the outcome I had hoped for but never believed I would get. I said 'absolutely, talk to me'. She acknowledged that as it is my blog I can write what I like and that I was pefectly entitled to my opinions but that I had misquoted her and it was this that had most offended her. I understand as a trainee journalist that to misquote someone is a complete no, no in the writing world and I was surprised at this because I consider myself to be a good listener.
Then I suddenly had an insight into how my point of view may have made me mishear what she had said. I misheard her when I thought she said about 'kundalini not being that powerful'. I misheard her because my point of view was creating me to be separate from her and this comment increased the separation thus strengthening my point of view. I was really amazed to see this and I take complete responsibility for it and through this blog want to be clear that I have misquoted her in that blog entry.
She also spoke about feeling invaded and of not feeling easy with me anymore. I can understand this. I don't think I would feel comfortable spending time with someone I knew wrote a diary blog and that I could appear in it favourably or unfavourabl in any entry. I totally understand this and I have given a commitment that in future blog entries, no mention will be made of her and I will stay true to this. I see now that I have come out of a dark place. From really believing that I don't get second chances I see now that I do. One person has been willing to re-open the lines of communication and not want to kill me off and this is just so brilliant.
On Thursday night I was looking for something in my rucksack and I came across a business card from a woman who does vortex healing. I was so low and desperately looking for some way to shift something and this card had been shown to me by the mother of the family I live with. The moment I looked at it I was drawn to it. I asked her if I could keep it. I believe that when things like this happen that there is something there for me. I spent a couple of minutes looking at the card before I picked up the phone. I dialled the number and this woman with a not English accent answered the phone. I explained that I was drawn to her card and wanted to know about vortex healing. I understand that my experience in Devon was like being drawn up into a vortex of energy and I wanted to know more. It turns out that she is planning to do a four week course on vortex healing which isn't going to be very expensive. I told her about my experience of being drawn into a vortex and she seemed to understand immediately what I was speaking about which was such a relief to me. I asked to be contacted when she has decided on the dates for this course and after I put the phone down felt a peace and calm that had been absent up to that point.
I have since had an email with her confirming that she is going to have this course. It makes sense to me that as it was an experience of a vortex that I had that I should learn more about it and how to be a clearing for it. On the spiritual journey it is so important to be vigilant and alert to all the ways that the universe shows us the next step. I knew the moment I saw the card that this is my next step....but my next step to what.......
Thursday, 26 February 2009
The cold at college.....has nothing to do with the weather...
It was too much to hope for that what I write wouldn't cause offence and I take complete responsibility for the siberia like atmosphere there is from this woman who I came clean to about this blog and what I have written. I accept that I haven't been responsible in my writing and now I am paying the price. I have always been at pains to write that what I say is only my view or opinion, it is not the truth. It saddens me that something has been made of it to the point that I have lost the friendship of someone I really did value. It makes it awkward at college because there aren't that many of us but all I have to do, like all of us these days, is to stay steady and be in each present moment. Whether that moment is painful or not. Today was a tough day and there was no blog entry last night because I was worried. I knew when this person didn't show yesterday for college that it was in someway connected with this blog and I didn't have the heart to write. I was also preparing for a shorthand exam which we had today.
If I keep going like I am going this blog is going to be my only friend. Why is it that I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so alone. I have this deep deep loneliness and I can't explain what it is or why I have it. I know at the moment that there is a deep inner battle going on within me, I can feel it and also see it because of the witness who watches everything that is happening to me as though it is happening to someone else. This is why I can be so calm with everything that's going on. But my fingers tell another story, my nails are bitten to the quick and they are unsightly. I feel like I am being stretched out on a rack....but for what. I've been here before. I know this dark place of fear and uncertainty and I know that out it will come growth. It is a place where I am alone and nobody can enter. My identity is in full control which is why I am feeling so powerless around everything at the moment. But I trust in the journey I am on and won't resist any of what is happening. What is happening at the moment is exactly what is meant to be happening. The people in my life are there for a purpose and if it is a challenge and I don't know exactly how to deal with the situation I find myself in then this is where I am meant to be.
I had my first shorthand exam today. I studied hard for it and had learned most of the words that were in the book. The lecturer read out the first sentence which sounded familiar and wasn't a problem. Then she dictated a sentence with words that were not in the book aagh....I could feel the anger welling up in me as I rumaged around in my memory bank for information that was not there. It wasn't there because I hadn't learned that word. I was expected to improvise aagh....my mind went blank, my stomach felt sick and I wished I was anywhere else in the world but sitting at a desk with a reporters notebook, a pen and a blank mind. It's not rocket science to put together a word from the letters that I learned but for me having no past experience of the word or what it looked like, making an educated guess was out of the question. The shorthand finished and I had a splitting headache. I made an attempt at conversation with the person who is obviously upset about this blog and asked whether she was upset about anything. I received the enigmatic answer 'no, should I be' which is total code for 'yes I am'. I didn't pick it up though. All I said was 'no, but I'm not in your head'. This was greeted with a stony stare and skid marks left at the door with the speed with which she took off.
My state of mind after this episode together with the nightmare shorthand exam was not good and I suddenly had such a burning desire to find a window that had a view of the sea. I did this and the moment my consciousness connected with the sea all the turbulence in my mind diminished and I felt once again the deep peace and bliss that I can only get when I allow my consciousness to connect with the beauty and majesty of nature. Being connected to the sea gave me such reassurance and I felt an inner intuition urging me to stay steady, that I have done nothing wrong. I went into my next lecture in a very different frame of mind. This lecture was learning how to design magazine pages and we were learning now to sub writing and fit it onto a page. I really enjoyed this. I got lost a few times because I made changes not understanding what these were and then the copy wasn't the same as everyone elses but in spite of this it was a very enjoyable 3 hours.
So as I write this I would be lying to say that I am not apprehensive about tomorrow. I am so pleased that it is Friday. I have a team meeting in London tomorrow evening and am staying with a friend which will be good. These days I just feel so uncertain that all I want to do is to listen to people. This blog is the sum total of the level of my self-expression these days. I recognise that I am incredibly stuck. But out there in the world the level of turbulence is far greater. So much that was hidden is coming to light and the pace at which it is happening is breathtaking. It is so important to remain steady in the face of it all. It is heralding the great shift that is coming. The old has to go to make room for the new. Stay close to the Source whatever that might be for you. These days I feel much closer to something that I definitely connect strongly with through nature but which is always close to me. The important thing at this time is not to resist anything in what is happening. To resist only makes it stronger.
Last night I did an interview with a woman who has just launched a website for people who are on restricted diets. I was so inspired by the woman because she has been living with MS since she was 20. What inspired me was her love for life and her determination to provide something for those people who are on or cater for people with restricted diets so that they can have the same enjoyable experience of eating as people on non-restricted diets have. Listening to her speak and seeing the passion she has for the website she has just launched awoke something in me. But what.....I have published my book. I truly don't know what is next for me.....
If I keep going like I am going this blog is going to be my only friend. Why is it that I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so alone. I have this deep deep loneliness and I can't explain what it is or why I have it. I know at the moment that there is a deep inner battle going on within me, I can feel it and also see it because of the witness who watches everything that is happening to me as though it is happening to someone else. This is why I can be so calm with everything that's going on. But my fingers tell another story, my nails are bitten to the quick and they are unsightly. I feel like I am being stretched out on a rack....but for what. I've been here before. I know this dark place of fear and uncertainty and I know that out it will come growth. It is a place where I am alone and nobody can enter. My identity is in full control which is why I am feeling so powerless around everything at the moment. But I trust in the journey I am on and won't resist any of what is happening. What is happening at the moment is exactly what is meant to be happening. The people in my life are there for a purpose and if it is a challenge and I don't know exactly how to deal with the situation I find myself in then this is where I am meant to be.
I had my first shorthand exam today. I studied hard for it and had learned most of the words that were in the book. The lecturer read out the first sentence which sounded familiar and wasn't a problem. Then she dictated a sentence with words that were not in the book aagh....I could feel the anger welling up in me as I rumaged around in my memory bank for information that was not there. It wasn't there because I hadn't learned that word. I was expected to improvise aagh....my mind went blank, my stomach felt sick and I wished I was anywhere else in the world but sitting at a desk with a reporters notebook, a pen and a blank mind. It's not rocket science to put together a word from the letters that I learned but for me having no past experience of the word or what it looked like, making an educated guess was out of the question. The shorthand finished and I had a splitting headache. I made an attempt at conversation with the person who is obviously upset about this blog and asked whether she was upset about anything. I received the enigmatic answer 'no, should I be' which is total code for 'yes I am'. I didn't pick it up though. All I said was 'no, but I'm not in your head'. This was greeted with a stony stare and skid marks left at the door with the speed with which she took off.
My state of mind after this episode together with the nightmare shorthand exam was not good and I suddenly had such a burning desire to find a window that had a view of the sea. I did this and the moment my consciousness connected with the sea all the turbulence in my mind diminished and I felt once again the deep peace and bliss that I can only get when I allow my consciousness to connect with the beauty and majesty of nature. Being connected to the sea gave me such reassurance and I felt an inner intuition urging me to stay steady, that I have done nothing wrong. I went into my next lecture in a very different frame of mind. This lecture was learning how to design magazine pages and we were learning now to sub writing and fit it onto a page. I really enjoyed this. I got lost a few times because I made changes not understanding what these were and then the copy wasn't the same as everyone elses but in spite of this it was a very enjoyable 3 hours.
So as I write this I would be lying to say that I am not apprehensive about tomorrow. I am so pleased that it is Friday. I have a team meeting in London tomorrow evening and am staying with a friend which will be good. These days I just feel so uncertain that all I want to do is to listen to people. This blog is the sum total of the level of my self-expression these days. I recognise that I am incredibly stuck. But out there in the world the level of turbulence is far greater. So much that was hidden is coming to light and the pace at which it is happening is breathtaking. It is so important to remain steady in the face of it all. It is heralding the great shift that is coming. The old has to go to make room for the new. Stay close to the Source whatever that might be for you. These days I feel much closer to something that I definitely connect strongly with through nature but which is always close to me. The important thing at this time is not to resist anything in what is happening. To resist only makes it stronger.
Last night I did an interview with a woman who has just launched a website for people who are on restricted diets. I was so inspired by the woman because she has been living with MS since she was 20. What inspired me was her love for life and her determination to provide something for those people who are on or cater for people with restricted diets so that they can have the same enjoyable experience of eating as people on non-restricted diets have. Listening to her speak and seeing the passion she has for the website she has just launched awoke something in me. But what.....I have published my book. I truly don't know what is next for me.....
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
At some point.....the truth will out.....
In a blog entry some time ago I wrote about a conversation I had with a woman who is in my course who is what I call spiritual. This is a major inauthenticity of mine because all of us are spiritual. This underlying spiritual essence is covered over by a human veneer which comprises ego, and identity. For a long time now I have seen certain categories of people, those who work in healing or alternative therapies as spiritual. All of this came to a head yesterday when I came clean to the woman in my class about this blog, what I had written and it felt good to finally say what I think. She was absolutely brilliant. A couple of hours I had spoken with her about how restrained I am feeling at the moment. She gave me some great advice about how to do a ritual to say goodbye to that identity which has made me restrained and to welcome in the new unrestrained me. I knew after that conversation that I had to tell her about this blog and clear up with her what I had written. I explained that I found so called spiritual people to be prickly around me. What she said in response to this resonated. She said 'that this was all my stuff' which is perfectly true.
I felt great relief to finally be able to say to someone spiritual how I felt. What I want to do through this blog is to clear up how I have been dividing people up into spiritual and non-spiritual and what I see is my identity doing this to keep me small and separate. People are people and the blocks I feel are to do with myself. There is a battle going on in the deepest parts of me, I can feel it. The identity is becoming so strong in some ways and yet my possibility or Soul is also getting strong. I am so grateful for this woman's honesty to me yesterday over coffee in Costa, it has really shifted me and given me a fresh connection with people without any separation or division. Through this blog.....I want to thank her for that gift......
I felt great relief to finally be able to say to someone spiritual how I felt. What I want to do through this blog is to clear up how I have been dividing people up into spiritual and non-spiritual and what I see is my identity doing this to keep me small and separate. People are people and the blocks I feel are to do with myself. There is a battle going on in the deepest parts of me, I can feel it. The identity is becoming so strong in some ways and yet my possibility or Soul is also getting strong. I am so grateful for this woman's honesty to me yesterday over coffee in Costa, it has really shifted me and given me a fresh connection with people without any separation or division. Through this blog.....I want to thank her for that gift......
Monday, 23 February 2009
Finally...hitting earth.....
I received my first feedback on an article that was set for us during the feature writing lecture at the end of last week. The lecturer passed around 2 examples of very good writing, mine was not one of them. All kinds of things went through my mind when I saw that mine wasn't one of them. These things were thoughts and they were not empowering or powerful. For the first time on this course I had a doubt about my ability to be the brilliant journalist I am creating myself to be. All of a sudden this course lost some of its attractiveness. Yet I know that this is just my identity that once again saw a point of weakness in my own self-doubt and was in there double quick ready to provide more limiting and disempowering thoughts. How clearly I see how it operates now after the weekend.
We were set another task to write a review of a programme that is on TV. This sent me into another tail spin because I haven't got the time to watch the telly so haven't really a clue as to what is on the box these days. This gave my identity even more fertilizer as when I turned to the computer I truly had nothing but fear and dread in my mind. Luckily someone asked if they could do a DVD or film instead and the lecturer said 'fine'. I was saved.....I've been so inspired by the DVD The Secret that I wrote a review on that. During the lecture we were all called up to be given feedback. When it came to mine he told me that my writing was 'too restrained'. Funny, how this fits with me and my life. The Reiki healer when I was on work experience said the same thing to me that I kept myself apart instead of throwing myself into something. I do the same with my writing in that I don't allow the free flow of my thoughts. Instead I write a couple of sentences and then go back and edit them. This results in a restrained way of writing.
I see that my identity is using this fear of me not allowing myself to go in writing to keep my writing ordinary and not extraordinary. What there is for me to do is to set my clock for let's say 30 mins and just write, write, write. The temptation for me to is to go back and edit immediately and I know that the edits make for sharper sentences but somehow something is lost. The pace on this course is really speeding up now. In shorthand we are up to joining up groups of words. There is a real thrill in being able to read what I am putting down in real spidery outlines in myshorthand notebook. I find myself not wanting to write some words at all now in longhand because the shorthand version is just so easy and quick. Yet I know I have a long way to go.
I received a lovely email from my work experience placement saying that they hope to work with me on more articles. This was a great boost to get when I came home yesterday. I fully accept that I am not a creative writer in the way that some of the people are on the course. If I have something to say, I say it without any embellishment. I miss this creativity when it comes to painting a picture of the mystical experiences I have like yesterday when I was driving out to the garage to collect my car. I rounded the corner and beauty of the sea totally absorbed my senses. I was so lost in the grandeur and majesty of the sea. I had a real job to keep my consciousness focussed on the road. The sea holds tremendous power and gives me such a sense of peace and bliss. When I see the sea, nothing else matters. The greatness of the sea humbles me and makes me so pleased and privileged to be a part of something greater.
I know I can get this qualification. What it is going to take from me is to be out there and finding the stories for the features I need for my portfolio. I have to start to build up a contacts book and use these people. I have my own style of writing and it is powerful in its way. My dream is to write for Psychologies magazine because I like to write how things work i.e. how does meditation work as a relaxation for the mind. When I know how things work then I trust and will apply them more. I have never been for blind faith but am for reason and working out things.....
We were set another task to write a review of a programme that is on TV. This sent me into another tail spin because I haven't got the time to watch the telly so haven't really a clue as to what is on the box these days. This gave my identity even more fertilizer as when I turned to the computer I truly had nothing but fear and dread in my mind. Luckily someone asked if they could do a DVD or film instead and the lecturer said 'fine'. I was saved.....I've been so inspired by the DVD The Secret that I wrote a review on that. During the lecture we were all called up to be given feedback. When it came to mine he told me that my writing was 'too restrained'. Funny, how this fits with me and my life. The Reiki healer when I was on work experience said the same thing to me that I kept myself apart instead of throwing myself into something. I do the same with my writing in that I don't allow the free flow of my thoughts. Instead I write a couple of sentences and then go back and edit them. This results in a restrained way of writing.
I see that my identity is using this fear of me not allowing myself to go in writing to keep my writing ordinary and not extraordinary. What there is for me to do is to set my clock for let's say 30 mins and just write, write, write. The temptation for me to is to go back and edit immediately and I know that the edits make for sharper sentences but somehow something is lost. The pace on this course is really speeding up now. In shorthand we are up to joining up groups of words. There is a real thrill in being able to read what I am putting down in real spidery outlines in myshorthand notebook. I find myself not wanting to write some words at all now in longhand because the shorthand version is just so easy and quick. Yet I know I have a long way to go.
I received a lovely email from my work experience placement saying that they hope to work with me on more articles. This was a great boost to get when I came home yesterday. I fully accept that I am not a creative writer in the way that some of the people are on the course. If I have something to say, I say it without any embellishment. I miss this creativity when it comes to painting a picture of the mystical experiences I have like yesterday when I was driving out to the garage to collect my car. I rounded the corner and beauty of the sea totally absorbed my senses. I was so lost in the grandeur and majesty of the sea. I had a real job to keep my consciousness focussed on the road. The sea holds tremendous power and gives me such a sense of peace and bliss. When I see the sea, nothing else matters. The greatness of the sea humbles me and makes me so pleased and privileged to be a part of something greater.
I know I can get this qualification. What it is going to take from me is to be out there and finding the stories for the features I need for my portfolio. I have to start to build up a contacts book and use these people. I have my own style of writing and it is powerful in its way. My dream is to write for Psychologies magazine because I like to write how things work i.e. how does meditation work as a relaxation for the mind. When I know how things work then I trust and will apply them more. I have never been for blind faith but am for reason and working out things.....
Sunday, 22 February 2009
I finally understand.....the Buddhist concept of Avidya or ignorance
What an amazingly powerful weekend I have just returned from. This weekend was the global team management and communication programme and present were Tel Aviv, Amsterdam and London. I was so moved by the fact that everyone of us there has the aim of bringing about a peaceful and harmonious world through communication. Everything can be resolved in communication, in being authentic and in taking responsibility for how we communicate. The new model of communication that I am being trained in is about having integrity and generosity and responsibility in all of my communications so that I create love and affinity from me to others, from others to me and from others to others. At the start of each quarter all of the regions meet together as a global team and share the results of what they produced that quarter. The results are in terms of the number of people who registered to get trained in the new model of communication. It is not about the numbers, the numbers reflect how much communication is being transformed out there in the world.
Last quarter Tel Aviv came in as high performing. This means that as a region it was highly successful in inspiring others to get the distinctions from the new model of communication for themselves. London came in as effective and Amsterdam similar. I had spent this quarter thinking that once again Tel Aviv would come in as high performing and I would get an insight into what worked and what didn't. However this time as a region - Europe and the Middle East we all did pretty poorly. In order to begin a new quarter the old one must be completed. This involves taking a hard look at the results, not in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, but in terms of what was missing in who we were being that people did not feel inspired to seek out the model of communication for themselves. Each team leader from the region declared what was missing. I was rocked to my core when the team leader for Israel said 'we stopped playing' and in this quarter there was war'. That really shocked me. I don't know if it is true or not, that when Tel Aviv stopped speaking about the power of new model of communication for bringing about peace and harmony that the fragile peace that had been maintained was shattered. But it has really made me think, what if that resistance I feel towards sharing myself and making myself really vulnerable is the conversation that will bring about world peace, how can I not push through the fear of not looking good and not wanting to step up if me speaking out might make the difference. These few words from the Israeli team leader shifted the context within which I speak about the power of the communication curriculum.
Something else was said that for me was very interesting. I have often spoken in this blog of the spiritual journey being about the game being played between the ego identity and the soul. The game is that the identity will never be weak enough for the Soul or possibility to shine through to begin to be a co-creator with the Divine. Not only do our own individual identities fight and resist this continuously but when someone steps up to be a leader the identity will conspire to bring the leader down so that it can continue to remain small. In one of the teams there was a breakdown with one of the team leaders. A member of team declared that this was done intentionally so that this person could be the team leader. When I heard this I was shocked but then realised that this is the nature of human being, it is the fight by the identity not to allow greatness in the world and its a fight to the end of life as we know it for a human.
This weekend I realised what the Buddhist concept of Avidya or ignorance is truly about. Avidya is not the usual kind of ignorance of not knowing. It is an ignorance that distorts the nature of reality. It makes reality appear as it is not. When we are young we form a point of view about ourselves and the world. This point of view then gives us the life that matches that point of view. It's usually put in place the first time an event happens to a child and they say something like I said 'I'm not loved, I'm alone'. Then from then on until the point of view is distinguished it gives me my world. It is as a result of me distinguishing my point of view and wanting to have control over it that I made the move to return to college and live in another city. For a few weeks now I was an under-study for a play that we were doing. I felt close and related to everyone in the play and they to me. On Friday night the person who I was an under-study for returned and I left. Nobody said 'wait' or 'where are you going to be later'. As a result I left with my point of view very strongly in existence 'I'm not loved, I'm alone', with 'I'm rejected and don't belong' thrown in for additional drama! What I got to see so plainly the next morning was that it was my point of view that created those people as not wanting me, it isn't the truth because I know each of them and know that this is not how they see me. But my point of view was straight in there and created these people to be that way for me. This I assert is what the Buddhists mean by Avidya, it is a nasty distortion of reality. It is done by the identity that uses the point of view whenever it senses that there is a weakness or a loss of possibility or an empowering context.
The identity means business and it will use every means most of them foul not to have us experience and be the greatness that is within all of us. As a result of this weekend I am so much more aware of my point of view and of how it not only gives me the life I have but also how others occur to me. None of this is the truth and this is why it distorts reality. It was a tough but incredibly valuable insight I got this weekend. From this trainig I am really gaining first hand experience of how the identity operates and just how ruthless it is. It is not openly ruthless everything operates at such a subtle level and it requires vigilance and alertness to be able to see when it is at play. The only way to cut down on its effectiveness is to always have a possibility which is realm of being that you generate and an empowering context and to keep these alive at all times. The identity cannot co-exist in a space of possibility and empowering context.
I've returned from this weekend quietly determined to make a difference in the lives of those I speak to. I am committed that everyone has what they want in their lives with freedom and ease. I believe that this is possible through this training because it is a training and study into what it means to be a human being and what stops us from being the powerful human beings we are designed to be. I come back again to the game, there is only THE ONE playing the game and I must remember that when I'm going a bit too gung-ho for the identity with its ego which then gives the personality. It is only a game. I just wish more people would win it........what does it mean to win the game........to understand, realize and experience that the identity is not who we are.....
Last quarter Tel Aviv came in as high performing. This means that as a region it was highly successful in inspiring others to get the distinctions from the new model of communication for themselves. London came in as effective and Amsterdam similar. I had spent this quarter thinking that once again Tel Aviv would come in as high performing and I would get an insight into what worked and what didn't. However this time as a region - Europe and the Middle East we all did pretty poorly. In order to begin a new quarter the old one must be completed. This involves taking a hard look at the results, not in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, but in terms of what was missing in who we were being that people did not feel inspired to seek out the model of communication for themselves. Each team leader from the region declared what was missing. I was rocked to my core when the team leader for Israel said 'we stopped playing' and in this quarter there was war'. That really shocked me. I don't know if it is true or not, that when Tel Aviv stopped speaking about the power of new model of communication for bringing about peace and harmony that the fragile peace that had been maintained was shattered. But it has really made me think, what if that resistance I feel towards sharing myself and making myself really vulnerable is the conversation that will bring about world peace, how can I not push through the fear of not looking good and not wanting to step up if me speaking out might make the difference. These few words from the Israeli team leader shifted the context within which I speak about the power of the communication curriculum.
Something else was said that for me was very interesting. I have often spoken in this blog of the spiritual journey being about the game being played between the ego identity and the soul. The game is that the identity will never be weak enough for the Soul or possibility to shine through to begin to be a co-creator with the Divine. Not only do our own individual identities fight and resist this continuously but when someone steps up to be a leader the identity will conspire to bring the leader down so that it can continue to remain small. In one of the teams there was a breakdown with one of the team leaders. A member of team declared that this was done intentionally so that this person could be the team leader. When I heard this I was shocked but then realised that this is the nature of human being, it is the fight by the identity not to allow greatness in the world and its a fight to the end of life as we know it for a human.
This weekend I realised what the Buddhist concept of Avidya or ignorance is truly about. Avidya is not the usual kind of ignorance of not knowing. It is an ignorance that distorts the nature of reality. It makes reality appear as it is not. When we are young we form a point of view about ourselves and the world. This point of view then gives us the life that matches that point of view. It's usually put in place the first time an event happens to a child and they say something like I said 'I'm not loved, I'm alone'. Then from then on until the point of view is distinguished it gives me my world. It is as a result of me distinguishing my point of view and wanting to have control over it that I made the move to return to college and live in another city. For a few weeks now I was an under-study for a play that we were doing. I felt close and related to everyone in the play and they to me. On Friday night the person who I was an under-study for returned and I left. Nobody said 'wait' or 'where are you going to be later'. As a result I left with my point of view very strongly in existence 'I'm not loved, I'm alone', with 'I'm rejected and don't belong' thrown in for additional drama! What I got to see so plainly the next morning was that it was my point of view that created those people as not wanting me, it isn't the truth because I know each of them and know that this is not how they see me. But my point of view was straight in there and created these people to be that way for me. This I assert is what the Buddhists mean by Avidya, it is a nasty distortion of reality. It is done by the identity that uses the point of view whenever it senses that there is a weakness or a loss of possibility or an empowering context.
The identity means business and it will use every means most of them foul not to have us experience and be the greatness that is within all of us. As a result of this weekend I am so much more aware of my point of view and of how it not only gives me the life I have but also how others occur to me. None of this is the truth and this is why it distorts reality. It was a tough but incredibly valuable insight I got this weekend. From this trainig I am really gaining first hand experience of how the identity operates and just how ruthless it is. It is not openly ruthless everything operates at such a subtle level and it requires vigilance and alertness to be able to see when it is at play. The only way to cut down on its effectiveness is to always have a possibility which is realm of being that you generate and an empowering context and to keep these alive at all times. The identity cannot co-exist in a space of possibility and empowering context.
I've returned from this weekend quietly determined to make a difference in the lives of those I speak to. I am committed that everyone has what they want in their lives with freedom and ease. I believe that this is possible through this training because it is a training and study into what it means to be a human being and what stops us from being the powerful human beings we are designed to be. I come back again to the game, there is only THE ONE playing the game and I must remember that when I'm going a bit too gung-ho for the identity with its ego which then gives the personality. It is only a game. I just wish more people would win it........what does it mean to win the game........to understand, realize and experience that the identity is not who we are.....
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