I am coming up to the very last week of my course and what an amazing four months it has been. It's been a challenge especially as I have been doing most of it alongside my Landmark training which has made these few months very intense. And now it is all about to end and I am asking myself the question 'what is next'. There are very few jobs out there for journalists and having come to the end of this course am not at all sure that I want to have a staff job on a magazine or newspaper. There is lots about journalism that I admire but there are also aspects of it that don't feel comfortable. I take people very much at face value and don't look too deeply beyond what is said to me. This was a fault with my interview in that I didn't look for 'what is it that this person doesn't want me to know', what am I not being told the truth about'. I don't like this way of working and yet I know that on the spiritual level the identity is always so clever about hiding what doesn't want to be seen and I have no problems at all with seeing this and recognising it when I am speaking to people about matters spiritual. I pick up immediately on the identity resistance and am compassionate to its meaning. Unfortunately this does not translate to normal interviewing.
This creates a dilemma for me in that I don't feel having completed this course that I am cut out to be a journalist. This is a shock and not what I expected but I think it proves that being a writer and being a journalist are different things. Being competent at one does not give automatically, the qualities needed to be the other. But I will try my hand at pitching some ideas as a freelance journalist. I have the comfort of having had two of my articles published in a health and well-being magazine and I will continue with ideas for that but the main idea I had about looking for a staff job on a magazine is not something I am going to pursue.
I have understood so clearly this weekend that the only life there is, is what we create. There is nothing imposed on us, just what we create. Regular readers of this blog will know how I have struggled with things of the computer. On Friday I had my design and sub-editing exam and I was dreading it. The design package was one I always had trouble with and I thought that this with the stress of the exam would make the experience a nightmare. I called a friend just before the exam and she asked me to list out what my concerns were around the exam, I rattled off that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do what I had to on the computer, that I would delete stuff and not be able to get it back, that I would panic and throw the whole lot to hell. She listened patiently to my rant and then said, OK they are your concerns, what possibility are you going to create. Suddenly and from nowhere I had a strong intuitive thought and I said 'I am creating the possibility that me and the computer are friends and we are there to help each other and I'm going to have fun with this exam'.
A few minutes later I was in the exam room and we were told to turn on the computers and log-on. Horror of horrors when I typed in my password and saw those dreaded red letters 'incorrect log-in'..Whaaat... incorrect login, that's been my log in since the beginning of the course. My mind raced with options for what to do and I was amazed at how calm I was about it. I looked again at my screen and saw that there was a number there for technical support. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was 1pm - this is lunch-time for most office people but I created that someone was going to be there and I was going to get this sorted. With gritted determination I called the number and couldn't believe it when there was a human voice at the other end. Very intentional I explained that an exam was going to uploaded to my account and I couldn't log in and I needed it to be sorted immediately. She looked up the account and said the embarrassing words 'your account has expired because you didn't change your password'......duh....I dimly remember seeing something about having five more logins but thought 'that's going to be plenty'.....obviously not..... Anyway, five mins later and all is sorted with so much freedom and ease.
I pick up the exam from where it has been uploaded and set up the screens that I want and then something absolutely amazing happens, the computer starts doing everything that I ask it to. I find ways of looking at things and moving between things that in the past caused me no end of worry and stress when I couldn't get them back again. This time, there was none of that. From this I really understand that I created it like this, the same as all the times in the past when I created that the design class would be stressful. I created it and so it was. The difference is that this time I was conscious of what I was creating, all the other times I wasn't. I have often heard the words 'we are masters of our own destiny' and even the Landmark training which is solely about how we create our lives and then learning the tools by which to create powerfully and consciously but I never really understood it. I still thought that I was at the mercy of some benevolent force. The experience with this design exam has shown me that there is nothing but me and what I create, the same as there is nothing but you and what you create. A better more sustainable world can only come about by people taking responsibility for and owning the life they are creating. If this was an idea that was taken up seriously it would sound the death knell for religion which is all about attributing the life you have to mysterious forces and would bring in the new world of spirituality which is about being powerful creators in our own right.
I'm not saying that there isn't some all encompassing force of which we are a part; however, what I am saying is that as a part of that force we also have the gift of creation, but as part of a ironical game we are ignorant of this. Then life as a human consists of being sufficiently curious and persistent enough to firstly intuit this and then realize it and finally work on becoming conscious and responsible for what is being created. This insight is one of the reasons why my desire to bring the Landmark technology to children and young people is so strong. To give one child or young person the insight so that they experience that they are creators and to take the responsibility this brings with it is to build an empowering world where those young people when they grow up to be adults are so aware of how they are creating their life and opportunities that it becomes so second nature. In this way it acts like a ripple that goes out to everyone else. This is my dream, to see this happen among our children and young people.
But it is a long road and I have no idea how I am going to create it to happen. It is also another reason why I am not going to pursue a job. I have to be flexible to go where this training is going to place me. As a result I am going to promote my book and give talks in a more serious way than I have done before. In order to do this I am going to set up my own business based on my book and specialising in what I am going to call transformational meditation and spirituality. What I have to do is to put together a plan and reasons why someone should come to a talk and experiential evening with me than with someone else. I have to identify what it is that I have that puts me apart from the rest..... So if you thought that this blog was going to turn into something boring and predictable such as life in an office then it's not gonna be that... It's going to be about what happens when the backdoor of a safe job and prospect is no longer there...will I fly or fall......watch this space....
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Am so...feeling the pressure
On Thursday I had my first shorthand exam. I had been doing the speed tests and was pretty confident. Since finishing my year of Team I have been so focussed. I arrived into the college early and went up to the room where we were to have the exam. There's no other way to put this but I freaked when I saw the tables and chairs lined out in exam fashion. I suddenly realised that it has been almost 20 years since I sat an exam and this awful feeling of impending dread and doom hit me like a rocket. All the optimism and hope that I woke up with that morning evaporated and was replaced by unmitigated terror which showed itself by sudden nausea and stomach cramps. One by one the others arrived for the exam and chose their desks.
At 9am the shorthand lecturer showed up with the NCTJ invigilator who would make sure that there was no cheating going on. We began with an hour of warm up practice at speeds of 100 words per minute. I knew from the number of words I was unable to remember never mind to write down that the result of this exam was going to be a forgone conclusion. However much drilling and practice I had done it was nowhere near enough to get this exam. Dammit, it wasn't too long ago that I finally got the main principle of shorthand how on earth was I going to go from this to being fluent enough in shorthand to glide across the page. Glide....mine was more like a series of stop/starts with more stops than starts. We had a break for coffee before the real exam began and sitting there my only thought was how am I going to get through this next couple of hours. The dictation speeds were from 100 down to 60. It was really important to me to get 60 words a minute because it was the only chance I had. The next two chances are for 80 words and above. My biggest worry is that I would have a shake in my hand which tends to happen when I get really nervous.
We started the first exam which was 100 words a minute and I started to take it down. It wasn't long before I was totally and utterly lost. But listening to the passage I realised how easy the words were. I could do all the words what I didn't have was the speed. It was the same with 90. Then came the 80 and I started off very well. Mid-way through I had the thought 'this isn't too bad'....aagh...with this I lost it so that was the end of the 80. I realised that in all my years I have never put myself into a pressurised environment like this. I don't perform well in such environments. I lose focus and concentration. After this I tried the 70 and finally the 60. After this I had pretty much lost the will to live. Then we had to tell the invigilator what speeds we were going to transcribe. I was green with envy when I heard a couple of my colleagues say there were doing the 100 words a minute. This is what I had declared that I wanted to achieve by the end of this course but it wasn't happening that day. When it came to me I declared 80 but deep down I knew that I hadn't a chance but I wanted to look good as most of the people there had said either 80 or 100. Completely inauthentic of me giving all of my training and the moment I declared it I was disgusted with myself.
This self denigration permeated throughout me trying to transcribe the passage at 80 words a minute. At one point I felt tears of frustration well up from behind my eyes at the utter futility of it all. I finally gave it up and when was asked to hand it in declined and asked to do the 60 words a minute piece. I got renewed confidence when I saw that I could actually read this piece much better than I thought and set to transcribing it with an energy and enthusiasm which was new for that morning. Then I had a thought that I would run out of time and rushed it. I printed it off and with a flourish handed it to the invigilator and left. Downstairs I compared my transcript with another who had also done 60 and to my utter dispair saw where I had left out a complete sentence...aagh...how could this have happened. I knew at that moment that getting the 60 was now out of the question. I looked at the joy on the others faces who had done the 100 and 80 and were confident of having passed and I was gripped with the strongest jealousy. But I immediately recognised this as my identity that was showing me that even though I think I am so highly trained in terms of transforming the identity that it is always there.
Instead of being downhearted about this I welcome it because everytime I can be with these kinds of feelings, jealousy, envy at what another has without reacting then it gets weaker. If it doesn't show itself and is not recognised, how can it transform? I was grateful to this feeling because it showed me that I have still such a long way to go in spite of all the training I have done. The lesson and the learning in events like this is not in the event itself but in what it is saying about me and my reaction to things. It was nothing at all to do with the event, the event is just the springboard from which the lesson emerges. Nothing can get transformed if it remains hidden, operating at the level of the sub-conscious. Transformation and ultimately freedom comes when that which is hidden is revealed. As I write this I have just had the thought of the proverb 'know the truth and the truth will set you free'. What is the truth? For me it is nothing else than knowing the machinery which runs me and in that knowing I can be free of it. To know others is to be intelligent but to know myself is to be enlightened.
In the midst of studying for these exams (which by the way I have another shot at the 80 on Friday and so this weekend has been spent burried with my headphones and shorthand notebook. I will let you know the result next weekend) I have also been thinking about the depth of anger around MPs expenses. In the scheme of things when you look at how much money the banking sector has sqandered it's really peanuts. A couple of evenings ago I heard Stephen Fry say something which I am going to repeat and not plagiarise. He was speaking about the depth of anger and he said that when people were told that it was going to be taxpayers money that was going to bail out the banks there wasn't too much of a reaction because the sums involved were too huge. But take for example an expenses bill to do something with a moat (I don't know the exact detail and I haven't time to be a proper journalist and look it up), where people went to with that was 'I could have used that money to benefit my family'. It is the useability of the sums mentioned that is fuelling the anger. The sums mentioned are all sums which every tax payer could have used for his/her own purposes. The 74 million of tax-payers money by virtue of how big doesn't have the same effect.
We live, as the Chinese say in interesting times. First we had the meltdown of the financial sector and now the possible meltdown of consitutional democracy. It is so important to keep one's nerve in the face of this, and also in the face of the mounting number of swine flu cases. Old wine cannot be put into new bottles. The anger that is coming out in many people has to come out in order to make space for something new and in this is to be welcomed. What there is for people to do is to recognise the anger and take responsibility for it without acting on it. To act and join extremist parties would be to completely defeat the purpose of the process that is going on. The lesson here is to recognise the anger, accept that it is there, don't project it out to anyone or anything and see it as the next stage in the evolution of human consciousness.
I am much freer writing now and expressing my views because we had a speaker who came to speak to us about being sued and she said that 'men of straw' don't usually get sued, it is bigger fish. Because of my inability to grasp anything than what is unambiguous (augurs well for journalism that relies on journalists being able to read into a nod and a wink!) I looked completely baffled until she said 'people who have no money' and I immediately felt this wave of relief because I don't have a bean if I was to be sued, so for me at this moment in time being brassic is no bad thing!
Until the next thrilling installment next week I will sign off by stating again the importance of observing and staying calm and steady...
At 9am the shorthand lecturer showed up with the NCTJ invigilator who would make sure that there was no cheating going on. We began with an hour of warm up practice at speeds of 100 words per minute. I knew from the number of words I was unable to remember never mind to write down that the result of this exam was going to be a forgone conclusion. However much drilling and practice I had done it was nowhere near enough to get this exam. Dammit, it wasn't too long ago that I finally got the main principle of shorthand how on earth was I going to go from this to being fluent enough in shorthand to glide across the page. Glide....mine was more like a series of stop/starts with more stops than starts. We had a break for coffee before the real exam began and sitting there my only thought was how am I going to get through this next couple of hours. The dictation speeds were from 100 down to 60. It was really important to me to get 60 words a minute because it was the only chance I had. The next two chances are for 80 words and above. My biggest worry is that I would have a shake in my hand which tends to happen when I get really nervous.
We started the first exam which was 100 words a minute and I started to take it down. It wasn't long before I was totally and utterly lost. But listening to the passage I realised how easy the words were. I could do all the words what I didn't have was the speed. It was the same with 90. Then came the 80 and I started off very well. Mid-way through I had the thought 'this isn't too bad'....aagh...with this I lost it so that was the end of the 80. I realised that in all my years I have never put myself into a pressurised environment like this. I don't perform well in such environments. I lose focus and concentration. After this I tried the 70 and finally the 60. After this I had pretty much lost the will to live. Then we had to tell the invigilator what speeds we were going to transcribe. I was green with envy when I heard a couple of my colleagues say there were doing the 100 words a minute. This is what I had declared that I wanted to achieve by the end of this course but it wasn't happening that day. When it came to me I declared 80 but deep down I knew that I hadn't a chance but I wanted to look good as most of the people there had said either 80 or 100. Completely inauthentic of me giving all of my training and the moment I declared it I was disgusted with myself.
This self denigration permeated throughout me trying to transcribe the passage at 80 words a minute. At one point I felt tears of frustration well up from behind my eyes at the utter futility of it all. I finally gave it up and when was asked to hand it in declined and asked to do the 60 words a minute piece. I got renewed confidence when I saw that I could actually read this piece much better than I thought and set to transcribing it with an energy and enthusiasm which was new for that morning. Then I had a thought that I would run out of time and rushed it. I printed it off and with a flourish handed it to the invigilator and left. Downstairs I compared my transcript with another who had also done 60 and to my utter dispair saw where I had left out a complete sentence...aagh...how could this have happened. I knew at that moment that getting the 60 was now out of the question. I looked at the joy on the others faces who had done the 100 and 80 and were confident of having passed and I was gripped with the strongest jealousy. But I immediately recognised this as my identity that was showing me that even though I think I am so highly trained in terms of transforming the identity that it is always there.
Instead of being downhearted about this I welcome it because everytime I can be with these kinds of feelings, jealousy, envy at what another has without reacting then it gets weaker. If it doesn't show itself and is not recognised, how can it transform? I was grateful to this feeling because it showed me that I have still such a long way to go in spite of all the training I have done. The lesson and the learning in events like this is not in the event itself but in what it is saying about me and my reaction to things. It was nothing at all to do with the event, the event is just the springboard from which the lesson emerges. Nothing can get transformed if it remains hidden, operating at the level of the sub-conscious. Transformation and ultimately freedom comes when that which is hidden is revealed. As I write this I have just had the thought of the proverb 'know the truth and the truth will set you free'. What is the truth? For me it is nothing else than knowing the machinery which runs me and in that knowing I can be free of it. To know others is to be intelligent but to know myself is to be enlightened.
In the midst of studying for these exams (which by the way I have another shot at the 80 on Friday and so this weekend has been spent burried with my headphones and shorthand notebook. I will let you know the result next weekend) I have also been thinking about the depth of anger around MPs expenses. In the scheme of things when you look at how much money the banking sector has sqandered it's really peanuts. A couple of evenings ago I heard Stephen Fry say something which I am going to repeat and not plagiarise. He was speaking about the depth of anger and he said that when people were told that it was going to be taxpayers money that was going to bail out the banks there wasn't too much of a reaction because the sums involved were too huge. But take for example an expenses bill to do something with a moat (I don't know the exact detail and I haven't time to be a proper journalist and look it up), where people went to with that was 'I could have used that money to benefit my family'. It is the useability of the sums mentioned that is fuelling the anger. The sums mentioned are all sums which every tax payer could have used for his/her own purposes. The 74 million of tax-payers money by virtue of how big doesn't have the same effect.
We live, as the Chinese say in interesting times. First we had the meltdown of the financial sector and now the possible meltdown of consitutional democracy. It is so important to keep one's nerve in the face of this, and also in the face of the mounting number of swine flu cases. Old wine cannot be put into new bottles. The anger that is coming out in many people has to come out in order to make space for something new and in this is to be welcomed. What there is for people to do is to recognise the anger and take responsibility for it without acting on it. To act and join extremist parties would be to completely defeat the purpose of the process that is going on. The lesson here is to recognise the anger, accept that it is there, don't project it out to anyone or anything and see it as the next stage in the evolution of human consciousness.
I am much freer writing now and expressing my views because we had a speaker who came to speak to us about being sued and she said that 'men of straw' don't usually get sued, it is bigger fish. Because of my inability to grasp anything than what is unambiguous (augurs well for journalism that relies on journalists being able to read into a nod and a wink!) I looked completely baffled until she said 'people who have no money' and I immediately felt this wave of relief because I don't have a bean if I was to be sued, so for me at this moment in time being brassic is no bad thing!
Until the next thrilling installment next week I will sign off by stating again the importance of observing and staying calm and steady...
Friday, 29 May 2009
What an amazing week....so much time is available....
Last weekend I graduated from my year long training to be effective in team, management and leadership. It was an amazing weekend. The warmth and love I received from everyone and the acknowledgement I was given for how I have taken on my life and done what needed to be done to leave a job I had no integrity with moved me to tears. In that moment I saw the beauty and value in being understood. Here were people who saw what this had cost me in terms of safety and security. It was so lovely to be there to see all the things that were being planned for the next quarter and not to be part of it. There was a great freedom and I found I was able to get more benefit because I was so relaxed. There was also fear and apprehension.
Before I started this training, I had done little with my life. I lived in a safe flat and worked in a safe job. This year started and suddenly what seemed more important than anything was to be in integrity with everything. I knew with a certainty that couldn't be doubted that the foundation for living a powerful life is integrity which is keeping my word and doing work the way that it should be done. The training gave me the courage to take the leap into the uncertainty of the unknown and I was afraid that when I no longer had this after I graduated that the little me who had played so small before this training would re-emerge and I would wake up on Monday in a severe sweat of panic, the reality of leaving a safe job and home hitting me for the very first time.
One thing that emerged from this year is that while it was a year of being in teams, creating teams, managing teams, communicating in teams, I am still an individual and do things alone. In my final feedback session before graduating this was again said to me. I have discovered my point of view which is 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and this is very much how I operate. But am I unhappy with this, not at all. I have so much going on in my head and insights that I get that I can seem to others to be on my own but I never feel alone myself. This is not to say that I shun or avoid the company of others. I don't not at all, but I don't seek it out. When someone comes to speak to me I will give them my full attention and listen and ensure that they see that I understand where they are coming from but then once the conversation is over, I am happy to be alone. This year has been an intense year of being constantly in communication, be it, conference calls, coaching calls, meetings which forced me to be social to be a master in the attributes of a new model of communication. On Sunday night I feared that the sudden ending of this intensity might not have a positive impact.
So it was that I woke up on Tuesday morning and my first thought was 'wow, I don't have to manage this morning to fit in two calls before going to college'. Words can't describe the joy and bliss that suddenly welled up from deep within. It had been my birthday the day before which was the Monday, my first day of no course and I had been upset. I didn't know if it was a combination of making my birthday mean something about the degree to which I was loved (so ironical after everything I have said about liking my own company) or if it was the withdrawal symptoms of the course and the training in general which I have been doing since 2005 but in the morning I was in quite a dark place. The people where I live knew that my birthday was coming up and when I was downstairs having breakfast the lady of the house came down and I told her. She gave me a huge hug and in that moment in the telling of it so that it was no longer running around my mind, I felt something big and dark lift and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the love, peace and ease I felt.
I had been given some beautiful writing books and I went upstairs and named one of them my promises book. Just because I am no longer formally in the training, it doesn't mean that I can't continue to build the foundations for power by writing down everything I am going to do in the day and hold myself lovingly to account for the actions I didn't do and recommit.
As this week has gone on I am amazed at the continued deep ease, peace and calm I feel as well as having the gift of time. I have been so focussed on my work for getting these exams in three weeks done and I have been amazed at how intentional I am now with it all. I have a new depth of concentration, one that I didn't have for the time on the course so far. It's like the training with Landmark took precedence and I entered into it fully doing everything I was committed to until the very end and now that it is over and I graduated powerfully - there is space created for what is now the most important thing for me, getting these exams. The joy and peace I feel I assert are the feelings that come when the spirit is in integrity. I can't think of what else gives this depth of ease and connection. Life flows and is in harmony and me in harmony with it in ways that I never thought possible.
I gave my word to write this blog once a week until the exams are over so this is the entry for this week. I could write lots more especially about events in the world but this would be out of integrity given how much study I have to do. Suffice to say that this first week without the training which I had feared I would go to pieces without has been a week where I have stepped into my power without attributing it to anything but myself and the skillls I have learned. To know that what I had considered was maybe a crutch and realise that it is a tool has been so liberating. I believe 100 percent in this training, not as a crutch but as a powerful training which gives anyone the tools and skills to be powerful in the face of any situation but also not be dependent on it. This is a balance that many training fails to achieve. I will always and ever be grateful for the forces that put me into contact with this training. I know what I and my life was like before I started it and I know what it is like now and the transformation is real, startling and exciting......
Before I started this training, I had done little with my life. I lived in a safe flat and worked in a safe job. This year started and suddenly what seemed more important than anything was to be in integrity with everything. I knew with a certainty that couldn't be doubted that the foundation for living a powerful life is integrity which is keeping my word and doing work the way that it should be done. The training gave me the courage to take the leap into the uncertainty of the unknown and I was afraid that when I no longer had this after I graduated that the little me who had played so small before this training would re-emerge and I would wake up on Monday in a severe sweat of panic, the reality of leaving a safe job and home hitting me for the very first time.
One thing that emerged from this year is that while it was a year of being in teams, creating teams, managing teams, communicating in teams, I am still an individual and do things alone. In my final feedback session before graduating this was again said to me. I have discovered my point of view which is 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and this is very much how I operate. But am I unhappy with this, not at all. I have so much going on in my head and insights that I get that I can seem to others to be on my own but I never feel alone myself. This is not to say that I shun or avoid the company of others. I don't not at all, but I don't seek it out. When someone comes to speak to me I will give them my full attention and listen and ensure that they see that I understand where they are coming from but then once the conversation is over, I am happy to be alone. This year has been an intense year of being constantly in communication, be it, conference calls, coaching calls, meetings which forced me to be social to be a master in the attributes of a new model of communication. On Sunday night I feared that the sudden ending of this intensity might not have a positive impact.
So it was that I woke up on Tuesday morning and my first thought was 'wow, I don't have to manage this morning to fit in two calls before going to college'. Words can't describe the joy and bliss that suddenly welled up from deep within. It had been my birthday the day before which was the Monday, my first day of no course and I had been upset. I didn't know if it was a combination of making my birthday mean something about the degree to which I was loved (so ironical after everything I have said about liking my own company) or if it was the withdrawal symptoms of the course and the training in general which I have been doing since 2005 but in the morning I was in quite a dark place. The people where I live knew that my birthday was coming up and when I was downstairs having breakfast the lady of the house came down and I told her. She gave me a huge hug and in that moment in the telling of it so that it was no longer running around my mind, I felt something big and dark lift and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the love, peace and ease I felt.
I had been given some beautiful writing books and I went upstairs and named one of them my promises book. Just because I am no longer formally in the training, it doesn't mean that I can't continue to build the foundations for power by writing down everything I am going to do in the day and hold myself lovingly to account for the actions I didn't do and recommit.
As this week has gone on I am amazed at the continued deep ease, peace and calm I feel as well as having the gift of time. I have been so focussed on my work for getting these exams in three weeks done and I have been amazed at how intentional I am now with it all. I have a new depth of concentration, one that I didn't have for the time on the course so far. It's like the training with Landmark took precedence and I entered into it fully doing everything I was committed to until the very end and now that it is over and I graduated powerfully - there is space created for what is now the most important thing for me, getting these exams. The joy and peace I feel I assert are the feelings that come when the spirit is in integrity. I can't think of what else gives this depth of ease and connection. Life flows and is in harmony and me in harmony with it in ways that I never thought possible.
I gave my word to write this blog once a week until the exams are over so this is the entry for this week. I could write lots more especially about events in the world but this would be out of integrity given how much study I have to do. Suffice to say that this first week without the training which I had feared I would go to pieces without has been a week where I have stepped into my power without attributing it to anything but myself and the skillls I have learned. To know that what I had considered was maybe a crutch and realise that it is a tool has been so liberating. I believe 100 percent in this training, not as a crutch but as a powerful training which gives anyone the tools and skills to be powerful in the face of any situation but also not be dependent on it. This is a balance that many training fails to achieve. I will always and ever be grateful for the forces that put me into contact with this training. I know what I and my life was like before I started it and I know what it is like now and the transformation is real, startling and exciting......
Saturday, 23 May 2009
When not being present, alert and aware costs
Today was amazing. Being part of a group of people who are lit up by causing love and affinity in communication throughout the world was both inspiring and humbling. And yet, I was aware that I am more than ready to complete this leg of my transformational journey. When the day was finished those of us who are finishing at the end of the weekend went for something to eat and I was so aware of the joy, love and connection there was between us. I also shared with the group about what the year made possible for me and when I declared my intention to be a powerful and effective leader for children and young people I was conscious of loud applause. For the first time this made my stand real. I had declared it in front of almost 100 people, a combination of people from London, Israel and Amsterdam.
After the meal I made my way back to the guest house. On the way I stopped at a cash point machine because I only had a couple of pounds and wanted to get some money. At the next cash point was a man I did not recognise until he said hello to me. When I looked closely he was a guy I recognised from a cafe where I often get a coffee when I am early for an agreement or a team meeting. Instead of paying attention to what I was doing, I began chatting with him about the lovely warm evening. The result.....my dithering meant that the machine swallowed my card so that in an instant I went from the possibility of having money to the reality of not having any. What was amazing for me was how calm I was when it happened. The guy when he realised what had happened was very sorry for interfering with my concentration but I didn't blame him at all. It was my responsibility to mind my own business and to concentrate on what I was doing. I didnt....and I paid the price. The guy beat a hasty retreat after this and I went off to find someone who could do something, knowing deep down that nothing could be done to offset my blatant stupidity.
I found a policewoman who walked out to the machine with me. As we walked and talked my mind was going over the options I had. I knew that I had enough banked up on my train card to take me back to the hotel and to my meeting tomorrow. Once I get to the meeting I know that I can borrow some money, enough to tide me over until I can get into the bank on Tuesday. Once again this training to be powerful in the face of everything that life throws has paid off in that I didn't panic.. In the place of stress and panic was clearheadedness and calm. Before I did this training with Landmark Education this would not have been possible as I would have been so stressed and pannicked. I have just finished speaking with my bank who as I expected can't do anything except issue a replacement card which is going to take seven days at least to reach me.
This reminds me of something I heard about the three kinds of business there are. One kind is my own business, another is someone else's business and the third is God's business. Suffering comes whenever we come out of our own business and go into another's - by either having an opinon, view, judgement on what another should be doing, saying etc. Tonight instead of minding my own business, I went into anothers and paid the price. And yet, out of it I have yet more proof of the power offered by the technology I have spent many years aiming for mastery over. Each event like this and how I handle it convinces me of the power of this training.
But it has taken its toll on me in that I am very tired now so I'm going to sign off....
After the meal I made my way back to the guest house. On the way I stopped at a cash point machine because I only had a couple of pounds and wanted to get some money. At the next cash point was a man I did not recognise until he said hello to me. When I looked closely he was a guy I recognised from a cafe where I often get a coffee when I am early for an agreement or a team meeting. Instead of paying attention to what I was doing, I began chatting with him about the lovely warm evening. The result.....my dithering meant that the machine swallowed my card so that in an instant I went from the possibility of having money to the reality of not having any. What was amazing for me was how calm I was when it happened. The guy when he realised what had happened was very sorry for interfering with my concentration but I didn't blame him at all. It was my responsibility to mind my own business and to concentrate on what I was doing. I didnt....and I paid the price. The guy beat a hasty retreat after this and I went off to find someone who could do something, knowing deep down that nothing could be done to offset my blatant stupidity.
I found a policewoman who walked out to the machine with me. As we walked and talked my mind was going over the options I had. I knew that I had enough banked up on my train card to take me back to the hotel and to my meeting tomorrow. Once I get to the meeting I know that I can borrow some money, enough to tide me over until I can get into the bank on Tuesday. Once again this training to be powerful in the face of everything that life throws has paid off in that I didn't panic.. In the place of stress and panic was clearheadedness and calm. Before I did this training with Landmark Education this would not have been possible as I would have been so stressed and pannicked. I have just finished speaking with my bank who as I expected can't do anything except issue a replacement card which is going to take seven days at least to reach me.
This reminds me of something I heard about the three kinds of business there are. One kind is my own business, another is someone else's business and the third is God's business. Suffering comes whenever we come out of our own business and go into another's - by either having an opinon, view, judgement on what another should be doing, saying etc. Tonight instead of minding my own business, I went into anothers and paid the price. And yet, out of it I have yet more proof of the power offered by the technology I have spent many years aiming for mastery over. Each event like this and how I handle it convinces me of the power of this training.
But it has taken its toll on me in that I am very tired now so I'm going to sign off....
Friday, 22 May 2009
Memories of India......
For this weekend of my last team management and leadership course. I have opted to stay in a budget B&B in London. I have done this because I want to get in a couple of hours of study before my two long days. Yet in spite of all this and my exams looming I felt such bliss, peace, contentment and happiness when I woke this morning. This year where I have been trained in becoming a master in powerful ways to communicate has been just amazing. It has given me a courage and an adventure for life that I never thought was possible. I do not recognise myself as the same person I was when I started this training one year ago. I think if people look back at how I was when I began writing this blog and how I am now, the shift is quite amazing.
I saw the power of this training once again at a recent event where I was asked a question and instead of considering it gave the first answer that came to me...duh....wrong..and the person concerned got apoplectic with rage threatening me with all sorts if I repeated what I said again. Before I did this training and learned how to be steady in the face of any verbal attack I would have dissolved into tears and been a mess. As a result of this training I had the presence not to react and to see her commitment to me and her concern that I wouldn't give the same answer in the future. This would not have been possible before the training as I would not have been able to stay steady. This amazed not only me but also the others who were present. They were more angry than I was about the whole thing. In my non-reaction and calmness was an shakeable power. The training I am completing this weekend has made me like a rock, the waves of life, crash around me, but I remain steady.
This has deepened my resolve to become a Landmark Forum leader for children and young people. I don't want any young person to have to wait until their mid-40s before they have the skills for being powerful in the face of everything that life throws, I want to be in there making a difference when the identity is forming so that it can be one that empowers and doesn't limit. However I am aware that there is the matter of getting this qualification and also a job in order to finance all of these lofty ideas of mine, but I am confident that a way will open and what needs to happen will happen.
As I write this I am sitting in the lobby of the B&B and I can tell from the language being spoken which is Hindi that this is an Indian owned, if not managed guesthouse. The facilities here also remind me of India and Nepal and staying in places that really were not fit for the habitation of animals never mind me as a homo sapiens that I am not phased by this place. It has free internet which to me is brilliant and means I can write this entry before making my way to the centre to begin my weekend which starts with acknowledgement for what all of us have achieved over the year...I am so excited about it all.
I am attaching a link to an article which a man called William Meader has written. Based in Oregon he is over in the UK to give talks and a retreat. When I lived in London I was drawn to going to a workshop he gave on intuition. As I was walking up the escalator to get to the workshop I saw that William was ahead of me on the escalator (I recognised him from his pic on the internet). I focussed intently on watching him and then to my amazement he turned around and looked down as if he had sensed someone watching him. For some reason this impacted. His workshop was quite theoretical and academic and he's not in the same class as Eckardt Tolle for me but there is something in the way he writes and what he writes that resonates. He has published a new article about Awakening which I am giving the link for here. It says similar things to me but he is a much better writer than me. I am mentioning it to give faith to Harry and others like him that we are not lone pioneers on this path. The link is:http://www.meader.org/articles/The_Awakening.html
It's now time for me to go to be a part of the magic of global communication as people from London, Israel and Amsterdam come together to share the magic and miracles that are only possible in communication and by putting ourselves at risk. What I have got from this year which I will take with me is that the only two things that are permanent and I can stake everything on is....my commitment and my word. Everything else in terms of thoughts, feelings, view, opinions are all transient and impermanent. What can be counted on in all situations is commitment and integrity.....
I saw the power of this training once again at a recent event where I was asked a question and instead of considering it gave the first answer that came to me...duh....wrong..and the person concerned got apoplectic with rage threatening me with all sorts if I repeated what I said again. Before I did this training and learned how to be steady in the face of any verbal attack I would have dissolved into tears and been a mess. As a result of this training I had the presence not to react and to see her commitment to me and her concern that I wouldn't give the same answer in the future. This would not have been possible before the training as I would not have been able to stay steady. This amazed not only me but also the others who were present. They were more angry than I was about the whole thing. In my non-reaction and calmness was an shakeable power. The training I am completing this weekend has made me like a rock, the waves of life, crash around me, but I remain steady.
This has deepened my resolve to become a Landmark Forum leader for children and young people. I don't want any young person to have to wait until their mid-40s before they have the skills for being powerful in the face of everything that life throws, I want to be in there making a difference when the identity is forming so that it can be one that empowers and doesn't limit. However I am aware that there is the matter of getting this qualification and also a job in order to finance all of these lofty ideas of mine, but I am confident that a way will open and what needs to happen will happen.
As I write this I am sitting in the lobby of the B&B and I can tell from the language being spoken which is Hindi that this is an Indian owned, if not managed guesthouse. The facilities here also remind me of India and Nepal and staying in places that really were not fit for the habitation of animals never mind me as a homo sapiens that I am not phased by this place. It has free internet which to me is brilliant and means I can write this entry before making my way to the centre to begin my weekend which starts with acknowledgement for what all of us have achieved over the year...I am so excited about it all.
I am attaching a link to an article which a man called William Meader has written. Based in Oregon he is over in the UK to give talks and a retreat. When I lived in London I was drawn to going to a workshop he gave on intuition. As I was walking up the escalator to get to the workshop I saw that William was ahead of me on the escalator (I recognised him from his pic on the internet). I focussed intently on watching him and then to my amazement he turned around and looked down as if he had sensed someone watching him. For some reason this impacted. His workshop was quite theoretical and academic and he's not in the same class as Eckardt Tolle for me but there is something in the way he writes and what he writes that resonates. He has published a new article about Awakening which I am giving the link for here. It says similar things to me but he is a much better writer than me. I am mentioning it to give faith to Harry and others like him that we are not lone pioneers on this path. The link is:http://www.meader.org/articles/The_Awakening.html
It's now time for me to go to be a part of the magic of global communication as people from London, Israel and Amsterdam come together to share the magic and miracles that are only possible in communication and by putting ourselves at risk. What I have got from this year which I will take with me is that the only two things that are permanent and I can stake everything on is....my commitment and my word. Everything else in terms of thoughts, feelings, view, opinions are all transient and impermanent. What can be counted on in all situations is commitment and integrity.....
Saturday, 16 May 2009
When the outer.....mirrors the inner....
This evening I returned from a weekend in London. Since writing my last post I have been in a very funny space. I've not been able to shrug off a feeling that I had sold out on something, but what.....I don't claim any of what I write to be the truth just ideas to be considered and debated so what was heavy feeling that I couldn't shake off. I felt really low in college this week, kind of restless and shaky. When I wrote that last entry I was thinking about Princess Diana who began off with laudable and inspirational aims but then the identity became stronger than her possibility and Diana the identity with her dramas took over the show and in the process many of the great things she had stood for somehow got lost. Diana the individual became more interesting than Diana the inspiration.
I was determined that I would not sacrifice the process of transformation or spiritual development call it what you will on the altar of personality identification. The moment I felt that this was what the blog had become, it was over. What this blog is trying to get across is a process it is not about Margaret the identity but about the ongoing tension that occurs between the identity which gives us our dramas and crises and that part of us that ultimately recognises that it's all a big play and we are all as Shakespeare said 'merely actors on the stage playing different parts'. I understand the truth of this at the deepest level and what I am attempting to do is to demonstrate how consciousness shifts from the dark to the light.
And yes, I have leaned heavily on the technology offered by Landmark Education to do this but it is not the only system. What is important is to halt the relentless operation of the identity (that we are not aware of) on the human consciousness by becoming self-aware. An object will continue moving in the same direction unless another object comes in its way and stops it. Any self-development or awareness programme acts as that object. The identity meets it, it ain't happy and the battle begins. Whoever flagged this blog up as objectionable might like to consider that action as coming from an identity that feels threatened in some way. The identity has as its raison d'etre, its survival and it doesn't care how it achieves it. Down through the ages, the emphasis has been on developing self-awareness, why? I asssert that it is to have the identity work for the consciousness and not the other way around.
Today when I returned and caught up with my emails I saw I had a comment on my last blog entry which on the one hand I didn't want and on the other hand, has made me re-consider my decision to end this blog. I have a request which I am going to ask of all of the readers and that is when you read entries to look at them as describing a process, not me as a personality. When I write this blog, I am not there, strange as this may seem to write. It is like I am a witness watching it all happen and yet I am incredibly grounded and clear about what is going on. If I can be confident that this blog will be read as describing a process which I believe is the process of consciousness awakening resulting in accelerated spiritual development, then I will continue. As I write this I am thinking in particular of my friend who vocalised my fear that it was turning into a soap drama. To him I say, if he continues to read this, I am writing about a process, it's not about me as an individual, it was never about me as an individual. Ultimately you have the final power in that you or anyone doesn't have to read it.
I have been watching events out in the world with much interest and looking beyond the appearance of what is happening to what might be deeper. I have been particularly intrigued by the issue of MPs expenses and what us as tax payers have funded. I see this as quite a powerful consciousness raising point because it hits every tax payer and has given rise to strong feelings of resentment and anger. Getting in touch with these feelings but not projecting them or expressing them is very important in the process of expanding consciousness. Space has to be created in order for the consciousness to shift. People feel angry and provided they don't act on the anger and, if possible, which would be marvellous, they are able to observe it going on within themselves as an interested observer then the space is created which will enable the consciousness to shift. The old has to be let go to enable the new to emerge, steadiness of consciousness is what is going to determine whether this process is connected or chaotic....my recommendation is for the former!......
As we move closer to the evolutionary shift of consciousness that is coming, other events are going to rock the foundations of what we consider to be stable and enduring. The crisis with MPs expenses strikes at the heart of a constitutional democracy, it has the power to bring everything crashing down like a house of cards. I don't know what's next but I am clear that there will be something. What there is to do is to remain steady, recognise the tendancy to react and in the observation of it, its nature will change. Everything that is happening has to happen in order for the next phase of evolutionary consciousness to begin...... It is already happening with people re-evaluating what is important. Self-empowerment programmes are going to become more popular as people bewildered by events finally turn within for an understanding they haven't been able to get from outside sources......
Everything in life depends not on what happens but on our own reactions to what happens. If we can have power over our reactions we have power over life......
I was determined that I would not sacrifice the process of transformation or spiritual development call it what you will on the altar of personality identification. The moment I felt that this was what the blog had become, it was over. What this blog is trying to get across is a process it is not about Margaret the identity but about the ongoing tension that occurs between the identity which gives us our dramas and crises and that part of us that ultimately recognises that it's all a big play and we are all as Shakespeare said 'merely actors on the stage playing different parts'. I understand the truth of this at the deepest level and what I am attempting to do is to demonstrate how consciousness shifts from the dark to the light.
And yes, I have leaned heavily on the technology offered by Landmark Education to do this but it is not the only system. What is important is to halt the relentless operation of the identity (that we are not aware of) on the human consciousness by becoming self-aware. An object will continue moving in the same direction unless another object comes in its way and stops it. Any self-development or awareness programme acts as that object. The identity meets it, it ain't happy and the battle begins. Whoever flagged this blog up as objectionable might like to consider that action as coming from an identity that feels threatened in some way. The identity has as its raison d'etre, its survival and it doesn't care how it achieves it. Down through the ages, the emphasis has been on developing self-awareness, why? I asssert that it is to have the identity work for the consciousness and not the other way around.
Today when I returned and caught up with my emails I saw I had a comment on my last blog entry which on the one hand I didn't want and on the other hand, has made me re-consider my decision to end this blog. I have a request which I am going to ask of all of the readers and that is when you read entries to look at them as describing a process, not me as a personality. When I write this blog, I am not there, strange as this may seem to write. It is like I am a witness watching it all happen and yet I am incredibly grounded and clear about what is going on. If I can be confident that this blog will be read as describing a process which I believe is the process of consciousness awakening resulting in accelerated spiritual development, then I will continue. As I write this I am thinking in particular of my friend who vocalised my fear that it was turning into a soap drama. To him I say, if he continues to read this, I am writing about a process, it's not about me as an individual, it was never about me as an individual. Ultimately you have the final power in that you or anyone doesn't have to read it.
I have been watching events out in the world with much interest and looking beyond the appearance of what is happening to what might be deeper. I have been particularly intrigued by the issue of MPs expenses and what us as tax payers have funded. I see this as quite a powerful consciousness raising point because it hits every tax payer and has given rise to strong feelings of resentment and anger. Getting in touch with these feelings but not projecting them or expressing them is very important in the process of expanding consciousness. Space has to be created in order for the consciousness to shift. People feel angry and provided they don't act on the anger and, if possible, which would be marvellous, they are able to observe it going on within themselves as an interested observer then the space is created which will enable the consciousness to shift. The old has to be let go to enable the new to emerge, steadiness of consciousness is what is going to determine whether this process is connected or chaotic....my recommendation is for the former!......
As we move closer to the evolutionary shift of consciousness that is coming, other events are going to rock the foundations of what we consider to be stable and enduring. The crisis with MPs expenses strikes at the heart of a constitutional democracy, it has the power to bring everything crashing down like a house of cards. I don't know what's next but I am clear that there will be something. What there is to do is to remain steady, recognise the tendancy to react and in the observation of it, its nature will change. Everything that is happening has to happen in order for the next phase of evolutionary consciousness to begin...... It is already happening with people re-evaluating what is important. Self-empowerment programmes are going to become more popular as people bewildered by events finally turn within for an understanding they haven't been able to get from outside sources......
Everything in life depends not on what happens but on our own reactions to what happens. If we can have power over our reactions we have power over life......
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Last post.....everything has a shelf life...
When I started this blog it was to demonstrate a process. I used myself as a guinea pig to demonstrate it. The intention was to inspire others to take risks and show courage in life. My good friend who I have known since childhood and has been a loyal reader since I began it was brutally honest with me and said that it's turned into a kind of soap drama which now has voyeuristic appeal and as this was never the intention, it is time for me to call time.
This is not the only reason. I make my own mind up about everything I do and would not end this blog because one person or two even have told me that it is a good thing for me to do. Since having it flagged with objectionable content I haven't felt the same. If what I wrote was the definite truth then it would be different but I have always asserted that these are just views of mine based on my own observation and experience. I consider that I have now done what I set out to do which was to demonstrate a process, anything else I could write is a matter of degree.
All there is left to do is to thank all of those who have been loyal readers of this blog and to encourage you to go out there and create the life you want for yourself. Thank you so very much, especially to Harry, who I have never met but feel such a closeness to. I wish you all the very best in your own journey.
Please do not post any replies to this post, I will finish by saying a final heartfelt thanks to you all.
Margaret
This is not the only reason. I make my own mind up about everything I do and would not end this blog because one person or two even have told me that it is a good thing for me to do. Since having it flagged with objectionable content I haven't felt the same. If what I wrote was the definite truth then it would be different but I have always asserted that these are just views of mine based on my own observation and experience. I consider that I have now done what I set out to do which was to demonstrate a process, anything else I could write is a matter of degree.
All there is left to do is to thank all of those who have been loyal readers of this blog and to encourage you to go out there and create the life you want for yourself. Thank you so very much, especially to Harry, who I have never met but feel such a closeness to. I wish you all the very best in your own journey.
Please do not post any replies to this post, I will finish by saying a final heartfelt thanks to you all.
Margaret
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