Am no longer....writing this blog...

For entries to this blog please go to"http://www.whatlieswithin.co.uk" I am going to focus on becoming super brilliant at managing this new website! Apologies to anyone for whom this change inconveniences.

Spirituality is all about.......choice.....

It took everything I had to honour my word and do what I said I would do yesterday. Every fibre of me was screaming to go to bed and not get up for the entire weekend but I know that feelings and thoughts don't produce any results. What produces results is performance and action so I dragged myself out of bed. Forced myself to pack a bag with some kind of clothes because I would be staying with friends for Friday and Saturday night. Dawdled around my room but in spite of all of this blackness I still caught the train that I intended to. Once at my agreement it was picked up immediately that there was something about me that was distant and cut off and the enquiry began. I know that the training I am currently doing to be a bold leader one who listens for and reliably delivers what it is that people care about and what matters to them has nothing to do with being spiritual. So when I tried in my clumsy way to explain how the spiritual Presence which I have grown so used to has now gone it was met with a blank stare. I didn't feel any frustration about this I listened to what was said to me about not dwelling in the past but to create something powerful for the future.

All these were just words for me at this point but I must have put on a good enough show because the attention turned to someone else who was also dealing with something else. I did my agreeement but still couldn't shake the blackness. At the end of the time, a woman who is on the same training course but who I haven't spoken to very much at all came up to me and said 'I can understand exactly where you are at'. I couldn't believe that there was someone who could see' and I just looked at her with eyes wide with surprise and she said yes. And in her lovely soft Welsh accent she explained that as a little girl I had that spiritual consciousness as a gift of grace. I didn't have to ask for it or make a choice about whether or not to have it. It is like a fish swimming in water but doesn't realise the water it is swimming in. With this shift I can now choose powerfully to continue along this spiritual path. I have often written that the spiritual path is solely about choice but the truth was that while I kept my consciousness spiritual I wasn't choosing, I was just hanging onto what I had.

Now...I can choose. I know by choosing it is going to require more generation and creation from me because it is not there naturally anymore. It is only going to be there if I create it. These words of hers said so simply and with such love and joy resonated and I looked at with eyes so full of gratitude. I was also grateful to the universe because in that moment this woman became my teacher. She also explained that the little girl and that spirituality will never fully go. It is that part of me which is going to make it possible for me to move and touch people very deeply but I will also be an adult...steady in everything that is said to me and how everyone is to me. I had never looked at it this way. I had seen the loss of the spirituality I had which I can only compare to being wrapped in an electric blanket as in some way a punishment now I see it as me being asked to consciously choose this path....and I do.....unreservedly.....

What was quite funny and ironical was before I went to do my agreement I was early so I went to my usual cafe to have a white coffee that they make especially for me. I had just been given my coffee when the door opened and in walked a nun and a little girl. It didn't look like the nun was used to coming into the cafe because she flustered a bit with all the cans of drink. Then she ordered what she ordered and then spent ages faffing through all the layers of her robe to find her money. I watched all this happening with curiosity. When she finally produced her £5 with a flourish it wasn't enough and there was a conversation about her returning with what was owed. Then to my horror she took a look around and I saw without any hesitation that she was heading over to sit beside me. She then tried to open the box of ribena she had bought for the little girl who was with her and then couldn't find the straw and I had the realization that if I hadn't shifted would I have turned out like that nun. Is that the product of not growing up....would that have been the ultimate outcome for me if this shift hadn't happened.

I know it doesn't mean anything that this nun came to sit beside me and I could see just how much she struggled with simple practical things and for a moment I could so see myself in her......she was also Irish as is my bood!

The game is up for the little girl.....but she doesn't want to let go...

I am struggling to keep it together these days. I feel such inner turmoil and conflict going on. The little girl has been exposed but she is still hanging on. I am struggling to understand how this process could be spiritual. I think now it is only psychological. This leads me to ask if there is anything about the process that I say is spiritual (and the purpose for this blog) is really spiritual at all. This is a dark place for me and the last thing I want to do is to write this blog. As I write it is slowly dawning on me that everything I have taken to be spiritual may in fact be psychological. My ease with spiritual literature was not because I am a mystic but because I made a decision not to grow up and by so doing I preserved the consciousness of the right side of my brain. What is spiritual about this? I am reeling from this at the moment and it is a crisis point in my life. I feel so unsure and uncertain and have no-one to talk to about it or nowhere to go.

I am also re-editing my book to get it ready for the India translations and it is adding to the uncertainty I am feeling. I see now so clearly how it is written in the style of a five year old child and now that I have moved on all I am feeling about it is embarassment. It is like the rug has been well and truly pulled out from under me. I feel exactly the same way as I did a number of years ago when something else I thought was spiritual turned out not to be. That time too I was devastated but I picked myself up and continued. This time it is deeper. In some ways I should be celebrating as I have proved to myself the fact that the consciousness between the right and left side of the brain is different but that is poor consolation when I have staked myself and my life on the spiritual dimension. What if there is no spiritual dimension, just the workings of the right brain which give certain experiences and the left which give others. Gosh, I so miss Manuel Schoch. If he were still alive I could speak to him about all this and he would understand what was going on.

That's going to be it for now....it's been an effort to even write as much as I have it's like I see for the first time just how vulnerable I have been in my writing. It is like I have been naked and not able to see it and now that my consciousness has shifted I see it. It's like I was in a state of grace whereby I was completely vulnerable and now I have fallen from that state of grace..similar to Adam and Eve being told not to eat the apple and then they did and then they realised that they were naked. What I have experienced feels somewhat similar....my fall from grace happened the moment I unconcealed the decision I made as a five year old child not to grow up because the adult world was unsafe. The moment that decision was unconcealed...I fell from grace.

Now I understand what my friends who read this blog used to warn me to be careful about what I wrote. In the past I could see none of that because to write openly and honestly and fully is so natural when the consciousness is located in the right brain, the tendancy is to be open and vulnerable and not hide anything. Once the consciousness shifts this way of being no longer feels right. I am feeling a distance now to things spiritual which I haven't before. I still have my memories but the actual experience of that powerful Presence which was always close to me is not there anymore. I don't know if this also applies to spiritual literature because all of my books are packed away. I suppose I could go on the internet and start to read something and see if I still have the same resonance....but to be honest I am a little scared to...

I am truly at a crossroads...maybe the time has come for me to let go of this journey...spiritual or pscyhological....only time will tell

Had my blood pressure checked......GP says it's that of a 15 year old!!!

I had confirmation from my GP today that my horrifying realization that I decided when I was five not to grow up into an adult was confirmed by the GP today who told me that my blood pressure reading was similar to a 15 year old. This makes sense given the shift of consciousness I have had where finally my consciousness has shifted from the right to the left brain. I have now officially entered puberty! Even now it is so hard for me to get my head around and walking around today I felt myself being dragged down into the impact of that insight and how so much about my life and how it has been for me in the past is making sense. What it is leaving me with is terrible restlessness and inner angst. I feel a sense of urgency and I don't understand why. I am so lucky in having had the right brain consciousness for the length of time that I had it and I am sure that I can bring a completely new and fresh view of the spiritual. I have already started working on the re-editing of my book.

I was delighted to get the news from my publisher that I have had the first sale of my book in the Czech Republic which I never expected. The promotion of the book throughout India and the two translations is also going ahead. It is a strange feeling reading it again with a view to re-editing in that I can see the childlike way in which it is written. There is a limit to how much editing I can do on this edition but I intend to take bits out and bit more bits in for the India translations.

I have been restless and uncertain today. I recognise these periods of black as the dark before the light of a powerful insight into something. I never run and today I decided to go on a 20 min run on the treadmill to have a breakthrough into why I will not work under pressure. I set myself the target of running continuously for 20 mins which is something I never do I have always given up in the past. This time I started running and after 16 mins gave up when my shoelace became undone. I left the treadmill and went on other equipment. Then something snapped and I said 'no, I am going to run for these 20 mins'. I started running and at about 16-17 minutes everything was screaming at me to give up but I continued running and then at 19.50 I couldn't believe it when the runner ground to a halt. I am in training not to make anything that happens in life mean anything and all that happened was that the runner broke down but for a moment for me I made it mean that there is still more for me to learn and go through before transforming this refusal of mine to work under pressure and for now I must be patient. I understand this process from how restless and uncertain I feel a few days before the insight comes. It's like it is working itself up from the depths of my subconscious, to come into consciousness to be transformed. Then the energy that was trapped is free to create something new which in my case will be the material for a new book. I have gone through the process many times that now it is so familiar but each time it doesn't get more comfortable it is still a mentally and emotionally exhausting time.

I see all of these shifts like some kind of initiations that I have to go through if that doesn't sound really weird given that there is no teacher or guru giving me any initiations. I remember reading once in an Alice Bailey book about the initiations that are given on the metaphysical realm. Each initiation occurs for me like an expansion of consciousness where the depth of my spiritual understanding and experiences intensifies. But again this is not the Truth just how this unfolding is occuring to me.....

Am writing this blog.....at 11.30pm...unheard of for me to be up this late..

I've had such a busy weekend that I haven't had time to write this blog. I was assisting at an event for the entire weekend. The hours were long from 7am - 11.15pm but we did have breaks. I woke up early on Saturday morning and did my 20 minutes of TM and felt great. I was staying close to where the event was so didn't have far to go. I couldn't believe it when I woke up on Saturday morning and peered out of my high window to see a blanket of white on the ground. 'Not snow again' I inwardly moaned. I donned my coat, hat and scarf and set off for the event. The morning was so crisp and fresh and the moon still high in the sky. I felt such contentment as I saundered along without a care in the world. I got to the event at around the same time as everyone else and there was great atmosphere between everyone. 10 minutes before everything was to begin I was asked if I would take on a supervisory role due to the supervisor not turning up. The moment this request was made of me I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach and everything in me screamed 'say no'. Instead I pushed this feeling down and covered it with the reason that I couldn't let people down and so I said 'yes, I would do it'.

Well it was a complete disaster. I have made no secret in this blog of the fact that I am challenged by things like organisation, structure etc and this was organisation, structure, being thorough taken to its ultimate degree. Suddenly people were looking to me to find handouts, put together packets, make sure everyone was taken care of and ensure that everything ran smoothly. I was so challenged and I resisted everything that anyone tried to say to me. I had all kinds of rants going on with myself and what was most frustrating was that I didn't seem to do anything right. How I missed out a whole row when I had to collate handouts was just a mystery to me. At 8pm on Saturday night I was feeling so tired and had my usual irritability. Then I remembered that I hadn't done my 20 mins of TM in the early evening. I requested an additional break which was agreed to and I went off to find an empty room to do my meditation. I did my 20 mins and 5 mins after the usual drowsiness of meditation I was wide awake and came back into the room much more alive and awake and ready to make things happen. But while I was more alive and awake my enthusiasm for putting together packs and arranging chairs was still zero.

Sunday was worse and I spent the say in confusion and bewilderment wondering why I find things like organisation and structure so challenging. At end of the evening everyone who had worked to make the event possible was thanked. To my horror when we were all on the stage the leader singled me out and acknowledged me for stepping in and taking on a role at the last minute. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me I was just mortified. At least I was awake which was thanks to the TM which I had done earlier in the evening. This morning I woke up and I was in such a black space. I knew that me not being thorough in the work I did over the weekend was down to the destructive part of me that sabotages everything when I feel I have been pushed in to it. But I wasn't pushed, I had a choice. I took on the role when I didn't want and then made it mean that I was pushed and then I set out to sabotage. I was reminded of when I was young and my mother made me dry the dishes. Mysteriously two plates just fell out of my hand! My mother was so angry and said 'you did that on purpose' and sent me off. At the time I remember wondering how I could have dropped the two plates but I saw the exact same thing happening this weekend. It's like my way of getting out of things that I but don't want to do but lack the courage to say 'no'.

What I have realized about this is that I sabotage because I haven't been straight. Agreeing to do something because I don't want to let someone down has no integrity and therefore will never work out. I see that now and from now on I will choose powerfully yes or no because I now realize that if I choose and want to then whatever I take on will work. In the past the only reason I had for saying yes when I wanted to say no, was 'to say no might upset the other person'. This is really spineless on my part and I am stating in this blog that from now on I say yes or no depending on how I really feel because now it is a question of integrity. The only reason I wasn't thorough this weekend was because I hadn't chosen freely to take on the role. I sabotaged it because I felt pushed into it and this what my mechanism does everytime. Now that I have been able to see it, I know that it won't have the same hold over me.

The TM meditation is absolutely amazing. I did my 20 mins at 6pm this evening and it is now almost midnight and I feel like I could write for hours. But over the weekend I got hit by an insight that may have nothing to do with the meditation. It suddenly hit me that because up to November 2009 I was still emotionally aged five, that staying up late at night was never going to be possible because five year olds are not up working late at night! But five year old children love to get up early in the morning. These days I keep getting flashes of insights like this. With each one that comes I feel a sense of relief because I am released from giving myself a hard time about not working late at night in the way that I used to. There may be no substance to this claim but when I got this insight it seemed so loud and powerful that it rang true for me.

This evening I met the lady that I lived with when I first moved here and I was aware of how well I could listen and really understand what she was saying and the things she is dealing with. I have created a new way of being for myself which is powerful, exciting and playful. What being powerful means to me is being straight and taking what I get and when there is no fear or nothing to protect or defend I can take and be with everything that is said to me. In the past it wasn't possible for people to be straight with me because I got upset and drammatical now when I share my new way of being it is an invitation for all my friends to feel that they can be free to say what they want to me without fearing my reaction or upsetting me. I have to accept that as a leader I am going to upset people and I have to be OK with that. The only way that I can be OK with that is that it is in line with my Boddhissatva vow and I am accountable for my actions inside of that vow......

So now...even though I am not in the slightest bit tired....I'm going to end this blog for today.

Beneath anger.... is fear....beneath fear.. is sadness....beneath sadness is love....

Since I started practicing my 20 Min's of Transcendental Meditation in the early evening my attitude to everything late at night has completely transformed. Yesterday I was travelling to London with a colleague for a commitment we both had. When we were planning our journey I had a thought that we were going to be travelling at the time when I usually do my evening meditation. In the past I would have sold out on myself by not doing the meditation so as not to make it awkward for who I was with. Not this time. I realize that this selling out on myself was the five year old child's need for approval. That child is now an adult and doesn't sell out on herself in the way that she used to. Finally my consciousness has shifted from the right brain to the left and with it I have a clarity about people and life that I never knew existed. I gave my friend the option of me either meditating in the same seat as her or going to another seat and joining her after 20 Min's. She opted for the former which was OK with me. We chatted for a little while and then I announced I was going to do my meditation. It felt strange and I felt a little awkward but my friend was great and immediately buried herself in the newspaper she had brought along.

When I started meditating I was conscious but then something must have happened because when I looked at my watch there was only 5 Min's left of the 20 Min's....where had the time gone. Now that I'm not beating myself up about the wandering mind or am concerned with taming the monkey mind allowing it wander back to the source of its bliss I have no idea what goes on. I am aware at some points that I am no longer mentally repeating my mantra but I also have the deepest peace and joy. When I finished the meditation I was a little tired but within 10 Min's had perked up no end and was ready for my evening. At one point in the evening I did something which was irresponsible and it brought forth a fierce anger from a woman towards me. Hand on heart I have never been spoken to so angrily and yet it didn't phase me and I didn't flinch from it. I didn't feel any need to protect or defend myself and when there is no fear and nothing to protect or defend then it is possible to be really with the person and what they are saying. Without fear I could really see her commitment to the situation I was very close to sabotaging. It is only fear that makes us protect and defend.

But...what is it that we are protecting and defending? It is the irrational fear that anger directed towards us is in some way a threat to our survival. Anger is never just the expression of an emotion it is made to mean that our very survival is under threat. When that is the context through which anger is viewed is it any wonder that anger creates such fear in human beings. Beneath anger is fear, beneath fear is sadness, the sadness of not being able to express love, or receive love and beneath sadness is love; ultimately love transforms fear. Where one is the other cannot be. Without any fear for me in the situation last night what was there for me was love. After last night I know that I can be with anything anyone is going to say to me in the future and that for me....is freedom. When my consciousness shifted with the realization that I had made a decision to stop myself growing up, all the fear I had lived with up to that point transformed to love. Did someone say that it is impossible to live a life without fear....I am living proof that it is.

That is not to say that if I was walking along the street and someone produced a knife or a gun that I wouldn't feel fear. I probably would, a health fear for my survival. That kind of fear is not what I am referring. I am speaking about the irrational psychological fears that are a part of what it means to be a human being. I am free of these. Or at least I think I am! But I have travelled this path too long to be definite about anything when it comes to the path of spiritual transformation. I just put one step in front of the other, slowly and mindfully ever vigilant of the chameleon type nature of the ego that is always and ever hiding in the shadows waiting for that one opportunity to sabotage the consciousness from its ultimate goal which is the transformation of self. This is achieved when one realizes that life is inherently empty and meaningless. It is only human beings that give meaning to life. Life itself has no inherent meaning. Really getting this at an experiential as opposed to a conceptual level shifts the consciousness so that the transformation of self as that which is 'not self' is realized.

Whether it is the effect of recently practicing TM but I find it so easy and effortless now to think and write from the aspect of the Transcendent. What I write is not channelled because I am consciously aware but I do feel that now it is coming from a deeper part of me. It's the ease and effortlessness of the practice and yet how effective it is that has completely surprised me. Now my most sacred parts of the day are those 20 Min's in the morning and 20 Min's in the early evening....

Today I had a lovely surprise. One of the tenants who I am renting out my flat to called me to explain that the standing order for the rent had mistakenly been cancelled and re-installed but wouldn't be received by me on the usual day and the tenant was calling me to explain this so that I wouldn't be concerned. I was so moved by this that the tenant would take the trouble to call me and let me know. This is the magic of life....when we allow it be just the way that it is and just the way that it isn't.....

What a truly amazing weekend....there's always something else to learn...

This weekend I had my re-scheduled Transcendental Meditation training. It was meant to have happened in mid-December but the trainer got swine flu. He told us today that it was the first time in the 25 years he has been teaching that he had to cancel a course. The course happens over three days. I arrived on Saturday morning 10am as requested. Before this course even started there has been some amazing co-incidences (or are they!) I have written in this blog that I have been doing kundalini yoga and am on the mailing list for classes and workshops. Among the list of events I get sent regularly is an early morning mantra session that starts at 5.30am. Every time I receive it I push down an inner desire to go using the reason 'I don't know where the place is'. When I got the details for where the TM course was going to be held I couldn't believe it when I saw that it was at the same place as the mantra early morning sesssions! So now there is no excuse for me not to go to these mantra mornings, that was the first surprise.

The second surprise I got was when I arrived at the course and was shown into a room. There was a picture of Guru Dev. This was amazing because my only knowledge of Guru Dev was that he was the Guru of Yogi Bhajan who is the Guru of the kundalini yoga that I do, so all of these synchronicities were quite amazing. The course began with the trainer doing a ceremony which has always been kept secret and giving me my own mantra which I would be meditating with from that morning. While he was doing the ceremony my inner voice was on the familiar rant it goes on when I find myself in situations like this, a rant that went something like 'what are you doing here at something like this AGAIN...particularly emphasis was laid on 'again' because it was the same thing I felt when I found myself queuing up to kneel at the feet of Mother Meera. There was the exact same inner resistance to this as well. I pushed these thoughts away and gave my full attention to the ceremony and my part in it. Then when I was given my mantra my first thought was 'that's not very sanskrit!', how did he arrive at that one for me' - but for some reason I didn't ask him anything about the mantra I had been given.

He then gave me instructions on how to meditate with the mantra and I was struck by how everything that would happen was perfect and the way it was meant to be...whhhaat....where was the discipline the monkey mind, watch your thoughts, concentrate - there was none of this it was all about letting the mind wander back to its source of bliss using the mantra. He said that he would stay with me for a while to meditate and then would leave me on my own and come back to check in a while. I began meditating, furrowing up my brow in my usual effort to concentrate but instead of concentrating on a candle or my breath I used my mantra. Total disaster as the first thought I had was 'is it x or y', 'did he say it like this or that', then the usual self-derogatory inner voice having its rant at my inability to recall a simple mantra correctly. All of this was exhausting for me so that when he returned and handed me a form to fill in I told him that I had a headache. He asked me had I been trying and putting in effort and I looked at him dumbfounded - of course I had, what else were you supposed to do in meditation! He then explained how there is no force or effort involved in TM. He then said he would leave me to complete the form and would return. When he returned he collected the form, looked briefly through it and confirmed that it was all 'as expected'. I waited expectantly to hear more and he said 'I will speak more about it this evening'. This was my cue to go.

Slightly bemused at everything that had gone on I left. I felt very tired and during the meditation I had felt myself falling off to sleep and then jerking awake. But then suddenly that tiredness lifted and I had an amazing energy. The reason I was attracted to TM is to increase my creativity and productivity so that I can work more under pressure. I left to meet my friend and go to London for my agreement and then later on we were going to a Hungarian classical music concert. My friend is just amazing. She told me the moving story of her great grand aunt who had been a hero in the Vietnam war. I can't recount all of the story but it was just amazing to hear it and I was reminded again about the greatness of the human spirit. It came through so clearly in what she told me about the life of her great grand aunt. We met after my agreement and went to the classical concert which wasn't to either of our tastes. I like music which has some melody. I didn't find any melody in this and whether it was my morning of TM which as finally catching up on me I found myself falling asleep. We left and finished off the evening with Dim Sum in Chinatown then we took the train back to Brighton.

This morning I was awake at 7am and was aware that I was excited. I did my 20 mins meditation with my mantra and was amazed at how quickly the time went by but I still had all of these thoughts which gave me the familiar frustration. I got ready to go to the next part of the course which was going to be with all of the other people who had got their mantra the day before. I arrived early and shortly after other people arrived. In total there were about eight of us. The trainer explained that this session would be 2 hours and he would explain the principles of TM and give us tips for how we would know that we were doing it right. I found the whole thing so fascinating. It was clear, made sense to me and I felt comfortable with it all. Even my inner voice which usually has a continuous rant when I'm at things like this was quiet and absorbed. The session ended with a nine minute video of the Mahariishi and his serenity and humour resonated very strongly with me. The two hours of the course also included a session of meditation and then people saying things about their experiences. I was in a conflict with this system which appears so easy and effortless and the traditional meditation of discipling the mind through concentration and I asked a question about it. He told met that this would be covered in the evening session.

Afterwards I felt so renewed and vigorated and more importantly I had ideas of things that I wanted to do and felt more motivated. Then my phone rang and it was my friend suggesting a couple of hours in the gym. Before I would have felt too tired or it would have been too much to fit in before going back again but instead I found myself really enthusiastic about going to the gym. We met up and I ran for a bit on the treadmill and did some cycling before walking the four miles back to the centre for the evening session. The evening session contained gold for me. One of the main reasons I had stopped meditating was because of what I called 'thought assault'. Everytime I sat down to meditate after a few seconds I would have nothing but thoughts and I made this mean that I wasn't doing it right and therefore it wasn't effective. So rather than face being a failure in meditation, I stopped meditating. I did take on the practice of mindfulness and being mindful at every moment but there was still something missing. Tonight the trainer explained that when the mind relaxes with the mantra, the body also relaxes but then the body begins to release blocks of stress to calm down the nervous system. As mind and body are inextricably linked the mind cannot be inactive when the body is active. So in response to the body being active the mind also must become active and it does this by grabbing hold of thoughts, any and every thought. This was a lightbulb moment for me. I suddenly saw thoughts in meditation not as bad or wrong but as an indication that my body is active in healing itself. This shifted everything for me.

As a result of this understanding when it came to doing some meditation there was absolutely no effort involved and I felt so free and easy. Then the trainer said that he would check the mantra that everyone had been given to ensure that we all had it right. Even though I had had some confusion with mine I was sure that I had it correctly. He took each of us to a room and asked us to repeat the mantra and to my complete astonishment I had it wrong. Initially this was devastating to me because it looked like my identity had said 'I'll remember it my way and make my own of it' but the trainer said that this was a good sign that it meant that the mind was already quite settled with it when it didn't have it perfectly. For a moment I was caught in the dilemma of two conflicting explanations for the same event and I realised in that moment that there is no truth to what happened. I can make either of those stories fit and I chose the explanation that empowered me which was that having to correct my recollection of my mantra was a good thing.

I was so happy leaving the course this evening. I got more than I thought possible from it. Out of it I have got the confidence to begin meditating again. But this wasn't the last surprise I was given. The trainer then spoke about Deepak Chopra and how he has been practicing TM for many years. He talked about how he had met the Maharishi by chance at a TM conference and that they had become good friends and Maharishi had given to him the system of Ayurveda which is so common in the west today. He then said Deepak Chopra was interviewed on an Irish television programme called The Late Late Show by Gay Byrne and I said to myself 'no way'. This programme was sacred television when it was on and Gay Byrne or Gaybo as he was affectionately called the only authority in Ireland for those few hours on a Friday night. I sat there amazed at yet another synchronicity this weekend and then up came the familiar voice and personality of Gay Byrne interviewing Deepak Chopra who was amazing in his knowledge and benefits of TM. He said some startling things among them was that people are responsible for their own illnesses and as they are responsible for creating them they can also cure them. This is so in line with the breakthrough education training and coaching I am doing at the moment. I am so clear that I create everything in my life. I am responsible for everything...

Afterwards I walked home so happy and grateful. I can't believe how much energy I have to write this blog at almost midnight. This is unheard for me because I had it that I don't put myself under pressure and writing this at this time at night would have occurred to me as pressure before I did this weekend and got my mantra and was released from my long held belief that thoughts are in some way detrimental to meditation. What is tragic is that for a couple of years I have been pondering on TM meditation but had dismissed it because I thought it was about yogic flying which I had and still don't have any interest in.

But now....even though I'm not tired I'm going to bed because 6.30am won't be long coming around and now I am adding an extra 20 mins meditation morning and evening to my schedule. Life is so exciting...when you have no idea what's around the next corner...