Wednesday, 5 December 2007

The power of sharing......

I went to my spinning class this morning in spite of deep stiffness in the tops of my legs caused from lifting heavier weights at my bodypump class on Sunday. I was struck by the contrast between the integrity I have for these classes and the 'have to' attitude I have about going to the gym just to use the equipment. One is a joy and an ease the other is a burden. I arrived into work and the minute I turned on my computer the guy who identified the literal way I am started to speak to me in the way I know is going to result in some kind of incident where he will show how literal or gullible I am. Sure enough, there were some biscuits around and he said that he had bought them. I looked suitably impressed as you do until I saw my female work colleague hyperventilating with a serious look of irritation on her face. I knew then that it was her and not him who had brought them in. He didn't care though, he had achieved enough to show my gullibility and was thrilled to bits. This seems to be his only reason for coming into work these days. Well he had better watch out because I will set the guy of the gym on him!

I am trying to make light of it but it is another reason why work is so stressful for me these days. Being literal in a political environment is to me like God's idea of a joke and how I have managed to get as far as I have given this quality is truly amazing. But then again it is only recently that I have been aware of just how literal I am and as ignorance is bliss I didn't know I had this quality. When you don't have a label for something then life goes on and flows. The minute we label anything we restrict any potential. This is why I am still reluctant to seek a formal diagnosis for Asperger's. I don't want to give myself this label because there is a danger that I would use it in a non-empowering way.

After work I met a friend. She had emailed me to ask me to meet and I felt sure that I had emailed her back to say that I could meet on Friday night. For some reason I felt compelled to look at my personal email before I left work.. To my amazement she had taken it up wrong and thought I meant this evening. I knew that she didn't have a mobile. I quickly finished up everything and ran out the door to meet her. I was at the venue where we were to meet on time! which again was good given the time I left. I feel a responsibility for this friend because it was as a result of me sharing with her what I had got from the training I speak about in this blog that she registered and did the weekend for herself.

On the Sunday evening of the training when she invited me up to her last session I couldn't believe the transformation. She looked happier and more alive. When she saw me she threw her arms around me and said 'thank you for telling me about this'. I know that I write that sharing and inspiring people to access their own power is never about me and how it makes me feel but the feeling I had that night when I saw her so happy was unlike anything money can buy. She has since gone on to complete the curriculum for living.

All training is learning how to use a muscle. If you don't use that muscle then the potential is not utilised. This training is no different. I was sad last night to see that much of the vibrancy and aliveness that I saw the last time we met has been taken over by the old way of being where everything for her was always 'too hard'. In my new way of being straight without being aggressive I talked to her about the importance of not looking at the glass as being half empty but as half-full. Thoughts and attitude are phenomenally important for producing the kind of life we have. I do accept though that it is particularly difficult when you are in a job that you hate, live with people you don't feel comfortable with and want a relationship that is not happening.

Listening to her last night I was filled with the desire to make a difference to her and give her a much needed break. To make a difference to her not for me to feel good but just to make a difference. I live alone and am going to Ireland for Christmas so I offered her the use of this flat so that she could have some space from the people she lives with to create the kind of 2008 she wants for herself. I put this option to her and immediately her whole energy changed and she became more alive. She saw the possibility for the space she craved. This small act which costs me nothing has made a difference. It matters that it made a difference for no other reason than it made a difference. I was also straight with her and said that I have made a choice not to live with anyone and so the use of the flat is only for Christmas and she understands this.

When I came home last night I was restless. Thinking of what else I can do to make a difference. I saw how alive I was when I forgot about me and went totally into her world. This evening I have my seminar session and I am going to put my hand up and share with the others about this. I used to never put my hand up to share because I hate going to the top of the room and speaking into the mike. But with this seminar maybe because it is smaller I don't find it so bad. I don't do it very often and when I do and sit down afterwards my inner voice goes on a rant with thoughts like 'you didn't mean to say it like that, and 'they didn't understand you', but I push through this and participate.

The last couple of times I put my hand up to say something and wasn't picked. This is quite uncomfortable to have your hand up, the leader looking around and not picking you. But I think this is why they do it. The first time it took me all my courage to put my hand up and I wasn't picked....aagh...complete disaster, humiliation, irritation, inner rant that went something like 'that's the last time I'll put my hand up'. But then I looked at it all dispassionately as an observer and just laughed. Each time now I put my hand up and am not picked all of those uncomfortable feelings of irritation and embarrassment lessen. This is another aspect of this training to share without any thought of 'me or my feelings'. Picked or not picked it doesn't matter, it's not significant and the feelings around it are irrelevant. Through this training I am learning not to be led by my thoughts or feelings but to be led by integrity.

The integrity to make a difference just to make a difference not to feel happy or think good thoughts about's not easy but the rewards are becoming more and more visible and obvious both to me and those around me.....

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