Thursday, 4 December 2008

When the gap between who I am and what I do.....becomes too big

On Monday I handed in my notice at work after 7 years working in the same organisation. I have realised for a long time the inauthenticity between who I am and what I do. Since I published my book this gap has become wider to the extent that to continue working where I am is not to have any integrity.

Some years ago I worked for a magazine as an editorial assistant where the editor gave me my own column. Then he was promoted and I got another editor who from the first day took a dislike to me. I am not journalism trained and when one of the staff writers on the magazine decided to leave on a 3 month trekking holiday I applied for the position. To have the position of staff writer on my CV would have made a big difference when I didn't have the official NCTJ qualification. I didn't get the job and I knew then that there was nowhere for me to go within that magazine. I am going back many years now and back then my identity had unfettered control . The result was an arrogant and not very nice person. I ended up resigning from this position under the most horrible of circumstances. The experience scarred me so much that I never thought that I would work in an office again. After 3 months I approached a temporary recruitment agency who got me a job in the organisation where I now am. It was a vastly different environment to the publishing environment I had left. It was calm, safe, quiet - a great place for me to lick my wounds and recover and it has been very good to me.

I came in at the lowest level and have progressed to the position that I have today. However, the environment couldn't be less like who I am. The people I work with are absolutely great but the nature of the work is so different and that difference is now no longer tenable given who and what I want to do. One day at work about 2 months ago I was sitting at my computer and I could barely keep my eyes open with tiredness in spite of the fact that it was only 9.30am in the morning. I recognised that this tiredness was me resisting....but what was I resisting? I suddenly remembered how I was when I was working as an editorial assistant putting together my column and the thrill of calling people and I realised that I have missed that environment and the creativity that is possible in that environment. I then remembered my dream of having my own spiritual magazine, one that would touch and move people. It seemed like finally having my book published woke all of my pent up and repressed yearnings to have a magazine that is powerful in providing practical spiritual guidance and practices.

The moment I allowed myself to feel this excitement, all of the tiredness that I had felt completely vanished. I love the sea so I turned to my computer and did a Google search for journalism and up came a fast-track 18 week magazine journalism course that is beginning in February 2009 in Brighton. I downloaded the application form and sent it off. I had an interview on 5 November which was the day before the launch of my book. I did the tests and had the interview and last Friday I was accepted onto the course. On Monday I handed in my resignation notice at work. I am so clear that it is the next step for me. I have had a spiritual book published and yet my being is not out there promoting it by giving talks, workshops etc. I am not out there inspiring people to realise that spiritual development is as real and natural as physical, intellectual, emotional and social development and giving people a direct experience (in as far as their own spiritual development will allow) of the 3 stages of spiritual development.

The night I gave in my notice my whole body shook when I lay down in bed. The energy convulses my body and then appears to jump about. I have experienced this many times but it was unusally violent on Monday night. I have no fear of this process. I surrender to it completely. I notice that when the energy subsides that my body is incredibly calm and relaxed as is my mind and I drift off to sleep like a baby. I see this as some kind of cleansing of the nerves. I don't have any evidence for this it is just what it feels like because of how calm and relaxed I am the next day. I don't have any kind of cosmic explosions or experiences of cosmic-oneness I just feel an incredible closeness and warmth. This is not the same as what I experienced on the meditation retreat in Devon in that it is not the ascending and descending energy that I experienced in Devon but the after-effects in terms of the peace and calm are the same.

If any reader is interested in buying my book it is available from this link:

It's proving much more difficult to get it uploaded to Amazon so I have given the link for Ki_publishing who published the book.....

No comments: