What happens when intuition is ignored....

This morning I woke up to the mobile alarm clock at the usual time to get ready for my group cycling as I always do on a Wednesday morning. Immediately I had a thought that went 'don't go today, it was a late night last night and you're tired'. I turned over and went back to sleep. When I woke up voluntarily a couple of hours later I had the usual disgust at my lack of willpower. I got ready to go to work still berating myself for being so lazy. It is so strange that whenever this happens I never sleep so that I miss getting to work in time. This never seems to happen, I will always wake with enough time to shower and dress and feel bad. I'm amazed at how the personality can be so strong on first waking. It takes up most of the consciousness which is why it is sometimes so difficult to resist it and get up that extra hour early to read, meditate, go to the gym. It's easier to just turn around and go back to sleep.



Feeling angry with myself I set off in the car. I always love the point where I round a corner and see the trees lining the outside of a park, this scene never fails to move me and it did today also. It calmed some of the turbulence that was going on in my mind. I saw that I had a free road and cruised off down it. I came to a roundabout and noticed that there was a car stopped waiting to come out of a side street. I thought 'it's stopped' so I am OK to continue'. To my absolute horror the car started to come out onto my side of the road. I thought 'Oh no, I'm going to hit it'. I swerved to avoid it and in doing so clipped that car. To make matters worse my back bumper hit the front wing of a car that was parked close by.



It was then that my spiritual training kicked in. I remained calm and peaceful. My first thought was to get my car out of the middle of the road so that it wouldn't be an obstruction. I calmly moved the car forward to separate from the parked car I had hit and then reversed back into a parking bay. I called the police because I did not know who the owner of the parked car was that I had hit and I wanted the incident recorded in case he/she reported that someone had hit them and not left any insurance details.



My own reaction to all this was testament to persevering with the spiritual path, to separate the things of life that happen from a story and not to add onto them anymore than what happened. I said to myself 'what has happened here is there has been an accident'. No one has been injured. The only thing I said when I met the woman driver of the car who had pulled back into the side-road she had just been trying to drive out of was 'how did you not see me'. She said 'I don't know and I'm sorry'. After that it was the formalities of the insurance and reporting it. Neither of us were hurt only shocked. In spite of my shock I was grateful to the years of spiritual training which allowed me to keep the situation calm and everyone involved with it calm. It is when the training is tested in a situation like this that I have the faith and confidence to continue. To have calm when external events are far from calm and to be in control of a situation is one huge reason for conciously taking on this path.


However...the truth is that if I had been strong enough not to give into the thought which told me I was tired and got up and gone to my usual cycling class the accident would not have happened. It would not have happened because I wouldn't have been on that road. This has taught me a valuable lesson. Not to be hard on myself and not see it as yet another example of where I have failed would be to indulge the ego and lose the lesson. One fundamental quality for the spiritual path is courage. The courage to take the teaching, learn from it and move on with more humility. The path of spiritual training is all about the development of humility through self-criticism.



I came into work but for the rest of the day I had a kind of shaking which seems to be coming from my stomach. I had been congratulating myself and feeling quite smug about being in the right in terms of responsibility for the accident and legally I am. If a car coming out of a side street hits another car on the main road then the responsibility is with the car coming out from the side street. Sitting at my desk I replayed the accident in my mind. To my shock I realised something that had been hidden from my view. I had seen the car stopped in the side street. But there were also other cars stopped. What I failed to realize then was that those cars had stopped to let the other car out! I hadn't seen this at all. It's not like I saw and thought 'I'm not going to stop to let her out'. I truly didn't cotton onto the fact that the cars had stopped to let her out. When I realised this I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach and shame that I had been so virtuous in my attitude of being right. Legally, yes I am in the right, but morally the accident was my fault. This was something I came face to face with and you don't know how much I hate writing this. But when I committed to this blog I committed to ruthless self-honesty.

For someone who is not conscious that the spiritual is a path with its own milestones, just like the physical, social, and intellectual paths have milestones as they evolve, this thinking is difficult to understand. In Evelyn Underhill's book on Mysticism, an entire chapter is dedicated to this process of purification. In it she quotes something that St Catherine of Sienna said was the 'voice of God'. I quote from page 206 'This is the way' said the voice of God to St Catherine of Siena in ecstasy 'If thou wilt arrive at a perfect knowledge and enjoyment of me, the Eternal Truth thou shouldst never go outside the knowledge of thyself; and by humbling thyself in the valley of humility thou wilt know Me and thyself, from which knowledge thou wilt draw all that is necessary. In self-knowledge, then, thou wilt humble thyself; seeing that, in thyself, thou dost not even exist'. In these few lines it is possible to see how humility and experiencing the transcendent go hand in hand. One does not seem to be possible without the other. I can vouch for this in that it seems to be after episodes of hard self-criticism that I feel closeness to a Presence.

The beauty and frustration of the spiritual path is that it runs counter to normal human behaviour. To succeed on this path, in every situation, one has to think 'what way would I normally react' and then do the opposite. This constant vigilance and monitoring is a strain and meets with resistance because the personality does not like to have reins. But each time we think before acting or speaking the influence of the personality via the ego gets weaker and the pull of the Soul stronger. This is my experience of this path over many years....

I have often expressed in blog entries how difficult I find it to write about this path. The words are clear in my head but lose something when I see them in black and white on a screen. In the opening chapter of An Interrupted Life: The Diaries and Letters of Etty Hillesum 1941 - 43, she says something similar 'The thoughts in my head are sometimes so clear and so sharp and my feelings so deep, but writing about them comes hard. The main difficulty, I think, is a sense of shame. So many inhibitions, so much fear of letting go, of allowing things to pour out of me, and yet that is what I must do if I am ever to give my life a reasonable and satisfactory purpose'. This sums up exactly the way I feel and conveys the resistance which is there each time I sit down to write this blog. But I push through this and write...and write...and hope that something of what is written will come across as authentic and honest enough for people to know that the spiritual is a definite path with definite milestones which take the form of initiations. What are all the initations leading up to...an expanded state of consciousness.

Spiritual warrior.....what does this mean

I've just returned home from seeing the movie premiere of 'Spiritual Warriors'. I had seen the flyer some weeks and had mentally committed myself to go to see it. Today was a difficult day at work. I had an all day meeting which involved setting up the laptop in unfamiliar circumstances even though it was only another floor in the building where I work. To me it could have been another planet as I once again battled with cables and drop down boxes. My fog index when it came to understanding what people were saying before they came to the end of a sentence was in full strength and so my responses in return were slow and measured. One quality which is absolutely essential in a meeting like this is wakefulness. I thought I was doing well in the wakeful and listening stakes when I suddenly heard 'that's a very important point' and I realised that whatever had been said my brain was in some parallel universe. I had no idea what this very important point was. I hastily scribbled something down and will spend tomorrow trying to put together minutes which reflect the discussion and decisions of the meeting today. By the time the meeting ended I was completely exhausted.

To make matters worse there is a tube strike here in London. Only 3 tube lines are running. I heard horror stories of terribly crowded trains, people in bad mooods etc etc. When work ended my mind with its thoughts was saying 'you don't want to uptown to see that film tonight; you'll be so stressed when you get there that you won't be able to enjoy it; much better to go home and keep yourself nice and calm and relaxed'. Then there was my Soul that had resonated to the by-line on the flyer that was promoting the film. This by-line was 'It takes great courage to see the face of God'. This resonated so deeply with me and when the mind with its thoughts telling me all the reasons why going to see this film was not a good idea the Soul was quietly repeating the words of this by-line. This is the difference between messages that come from the mind and those that come from the soul. From the mind there is narrative, lots of reasons why something isn't a good idea, it's a constant internal chatter. The Soul has few words. This time the message from my soul wasn't authoritative like it was when it urged me to 'go to the centre' it was just quietly repeating the by-line from the flyer 'It takes great courage to see the face of God' I could not ignore the message from the soul even if the message from the mind made more sense and seemed as though it would have been better for me.

With a mixture of trepidation and determination I set off for the cinema. I am rarely found on a tube and never when there is a tube strike. I had all kinds of ruses planned for ensuring that I would get on one of these crowded and horrible trains that I had been told about. I had debated about shouting 'spiritual woman getting on' but I don't think it would have had as much impact as if I shouted 'pregnant woman getting on'. But both are similar in terms of having the potential to give birth to something new. I know that you can argue that everyone is spiritual and that is absolutely true but many are unconscious of this spirituality and need to be woken up. I walked to the bus stop because my usual tube stop was closed due to no trains running. I caught a bus to where I could get a tube that was running to a stop close to the cinema. Bracing myself to be trapped like a sardine in a can, imaging that I would be probably be stuck up really close to someone. I imagined that I would have have no choice but to smell the garlic that somebody had eaten the night. With mounting tension I walked onto the platform.

To my surprise it wasn't that crowded at all. There was a train due in 4 minutes. I couldn't believe it when a carriage with the doors to open stopped right in front of me. The carriage looked crowded when it was pulling up. I walked in and immediately saw one spare seat. I looked twice because people were standing on either side. Yes, there was a biggish suitcase which meant that it wasn't easy to get to the seat but that wasn't going to stop me. I clambered over the case and sat down. The guy when he saw that I had got to the seat made an effort to move the case but I said 'it's OK there's no need to move it'. He then said 'that seat was being kept for you'. I smiled but when I thought about it that is exactly how it was. I spent the rest of the train journey in a meditation of gratitude.

Everything in life is about interpretation. I interpreted that as help and guidance from the universe. It was the universe helping me to ensure that I kept my integrity and went to see the film like I said I would. To another though these happenings might be dismissed as 'co-incidence'. I used to have one friend who would say to me when I pointed out these synchronicities that they were only co-incidences and it was something I didn't try to persuade her otherwise of. I know though that for me when I interpret things like this as guidance from a benevolent universe that I have a freedom and ease with life. It stops being a struggle. I relax and let go into the ebb and flow of life. If there is a track record of integrity then it seems to become a way of life...strange as this may seem. I think it's because of neural pathways that are laid down in the brain. Each time I keep my word, have integrity and do what I say I will do the neural pattern in the brain gets stronger. Perhaps that's why habits are so difficult to break because there is a deep and familiar neural pathway laid down in the brain and kept in place by habit.

I don't think it was the film itself that was the reason why I had to keep my integrity. I saw in the process involved in going to the film the conflict between the thoughts in my mind and what a deeper part of me wanted to do. What is possible though when we push through the resistance and get to the other side is simply amazing. One thing I learned from the film was how important it is to speak to the right people when there is an experience that is out of the ordinary, whatever form that might take. It is best if possible not to speak to anyone and to let the experience deepen and develop with you being a Witness. The appropriate time to speak about such experiences is when you are not emotionally involved with whatever it is that has happened. When you are grounded and not thrown by other's reactions. There is an old but true saying 'those that speak don't know and those that know don't speak'. There is a reason for this. I speak now after many years of silence. Speaking to the wrong people, by wrong I mean those who don't understand the nature of the spiritual path can confuse and cause one to doubt the experience and its power. The only difference between the mystic and the person who is diagnosed as mentally ill is that they spoke to different people!

When I trained as a nurse for children and adults with learning difficulties I had to do a 2 month secondment in a psychiatric hospital with long stay patients. I spent some time with those who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I found them to be deeply spiritual people. I remember one man who came to me one day and said 'nurse, Mary spoke to me last night'. I said 'who's Mary, Christy'. He said 'the Virgin Mary' and I said 'right, and what did she say'. He said 'that if I ever got married I'd be sorry'. OK I know that it isn't a profound spiritual insight but the connection is there. I believe many of the cases labelled schizoprenic are the result of energy rising in the body to the brain before the brain is ready to receive it. What many have called a spiritual emergency. I want to add that I'm not a psychiatrist and these are just thoughts of mine, to be considered not to be taken as truth.

I've just realised that I have written nothing about the title of this post...oh well I'll write about that in the next post....

Every morning....a new beginning

After I finished writing my blog last night I received a phone call from my brother. It wasn't so much of a phone call as a phone scream. He was angry that I had upset 'our' parents by telling them about his request to me for money. I have written about how the spiritual path does not permit ego defensiveness. However stating how one feels concerning a certain issue is absolutely justified and in line with being honest. To state how you feel without making the other person feel wrong...this as you can imagine is not easy.

When my brother took a rest to breathe I began to explain how hurt I was at the way the request for money was made to me (a text message). But instead of this making things better, it made them worse as he gathered more pace and launched into a tirade about how selfish I am and how I only think about myself. Gosh I thought it was only women who could break the speed barrier when it came to number of words in a sentence, my brother would give any of them a run for their money. I think he spoke more to me in the ten minute onslaught than he has in all the years that we have been brother and sister...sad but true. I kept repeating that the issue was not about the money but the way it had been requested. If he had picked up the phone and spoken to me instead of sending text messages the situation would not have escalated in the way it did. But my brother has lots of pride and he would rather die than admit any responsibility for the situation. The phone-call ended by him hanging up on me.

Afterwards I sat still and shocked on my sofa. Wave after wave of confusion and bewilderment washed over me. While he was emptying his lungs at my expense I went within and thought 'how would love handle this, what would love do'? I came out with a response which I thought came from love but which, judging by his reaction obviously didn't. If it had he would have sensed it and become calmer and willing to discuss it but the opposite had happened. The spiritual path is so counter-intuitive. A normal reaction is to fight back with something along the lines of 'how dare you treat me like this' but this is not the way on the spiritual path. As I said before any and every response must come from love and acceptance, not defensiveness and fear. Defensiveness covers up fear. I won't do it no matter how it might appear that I am making myself into a doormat. Only time will tell if that is truly the case.

I cried myself to sleep afterwards berating myself for not handling the whole thing differently. I woke up this morning feeling so good. I can't explain it and it sounds counter-intuitive that you can give yourself a hard time, sleep soundly and wake up feeling refreshed and ready and eager to greet the new day. But this is exactly how it was for me this morning. I have said before in an earlier entry on this blog that I am not a mystic. I want to correct that by saying that I am a mystic in terms of being able to connect with a Presence. But I am a practical mystic in that I want to give practical guidance based solely on my own experience on how to increase this sense of Presence. How to increase a sense of Presence I am sure everyone has felt at least once in their life.

Today at work was spent catching up on the mountain of emails that were sitting in my inbox awaiting my return. Looking out at my window and connecting with the trees and the sky made it all bearable. I also recognise that I welcome structure. The balance today between the form and the formless was calming and grounding.

I'm off tonight to the first night of a ten week seminar called Beyond Fitness. I fit into that percentage of women who do not have a balanced relationship with food. I am aware that some of my energy is trapped in the form called FOOD this takes the form of energy trapped in thoughts like 'I can't eat that, I mustn't eat this, I've eaten too much of that...and on....and on...and on..... This seminar holds out the promise of releasing energy which is trapped in this kind of thinking form. I may be over analysing this but it is how it appears to me.

I'm aware that there's not much spiritual writing in this blog entry today. Perhaps when I get home this evening I'll find a sentence in a book and elaborate on that. My book on Etty Hillesum arrived today and I am delighted about it so I shall write something on her. Who knows perhaps I will find some parallels with me! That would be nice and reassuring never mind add more credibility to this blog as being a record of a spiritual journey.

I've just completed the first of my seminar sessions and it was great. Transformation is all about changing the context in which things are viewed. It is about seeing the familiar in a different way. It is not about changing because change or making things better, more or different is not effective. What is effective is seeing the familiar in a different way. A way which liberates trapped energy. I would love to write so much but I run the risk of breaking a promise I made to respect Landmark's copyright, but here's the weblink: www.landmarkeducation.com. It is well worth checking out. With that I shall discipline this desire of mine to pour out onto the page everything I was privileged to recognise this evening.

Service and the Soul.....

Yesterday I went to do my voluntary work. The organisation I am doing this work for is called Landmark Education. In 2005 I completed the first of three modules of the Curriculum For Living called the 'Landmark Forum'. I did this training weekend in response to another strong inner intuition. Many years ago somebody told me about this training. I went along to one of the introductory evenings which the organisation runs but I walked out half-way through the evening. To me it seemed to be totally about marketing. What I understand now is that there was something deeply threatening to my personality which made me walk out.

Four years later I was feeling really stuck. I didn't seem to be progressing spiritually and I wasn't successful in the conventional material world. I thought that I was in hell. Then once again either a loud thought or an inner voice said in the usual authoritative tone 'do Landmark Forum'. Between now and when I had walked out of the introductory evening I hadn't given it a second thought, now suddenly I was reminded of it. The next day I called the office and asked when the next introductory evening was and was told that there was one the following Wednesday evening. I confirmed that I would be there. When I did this I felt real relief and a sense of having turned a corner.

I attended the introductory evening. This time I heard it all so differently, it wasn't marketing, it was about everything that it is possible to have in life. I immediately signed up to the first module which is called The Landmark Forum which was to be at the end of September 20005.
I did this weekend and it shifted such a lot for me.

To be on a spiritual path one has to be honest and authentic. If you are not you will be able to go so far and no further. I didn't have the happiest of childhoods (I'm sure I'm not alone) and rather than deal with everything I turned to the spiritual which in my mind was to do with enlightenment and the future. In this thinking the past was irrelevant. This suited me well because I did not want to go back into the past. However what was hidden from my view was that I was using the spiritual like a band-aid to cover up emotional hurt and pain. I was also using the path to beat myself up even more. This is why I say now that disciplining the personality with its wants and desires is a necessary part of this path, but it has to be done from a position of high self-esteem and not low like I had.

During the three long days of the Landmark Forum I took a long hard and painful look at my past. What I realised is that for each event I had made up a story about it which I took to be true. Once I saw that it was only a story I felt an incredible lightness. The energy that it was taking to keep running that story was freed. It was no longer trapped. It was now available for other things.

The Landmark Forum is not a spiritual programme but for me this is what I saw it as. I saw how me as 'human' was put together by the choices and decisions I made by events in my life. I got to see that I didn't have to hang onto these stories which were draining me of energy. I could give them up and take on something more empowering. During these three days I freed up all of the energy which was trapped in thought forms around events that had happened in my life.

I also saw why I had to do this weekend. The spiritual stuckness I had been experiencing was the result of coming to the end of all the free energy that was available to me. All the energy that wasn't stuck in a disempowering thought form. The only way I was going to progress further was to be honest. To allow into my consciousness those events and my interpretation of them to feel the pain and let it go by forgiving. Only then was more energy available to deepen and expand spiritually. It was also only at this point that I was authentically on a spiritual path. On a spiritual path there has to be complete honesty. The fact that I was ignorant and didn't realise that I was using the spiritual to cover over past emotional pain is no defence. There can be no pretence on this path, or there can but it will only be for a limited amount of time.

After doing the Forum, I went on to do the other modules in the Curriculum for Living which is the Advanced Course and the Self-Expression and Leadership programme. I then did the communication curriculum. I did all of this to ensure that there was nothing else I was hiding from myself. It is since completing all of this training that my spiritual insights and intuitions have become deeper and my sense of closeness to a Presence more real.

I want to stress that the programme is not promoted as a spiritual programme. For many of the participants, freeing up of energy which has been trapped in running stories resulted in gaining much more materially. Many got new jobs, opened new businesses, gained deeper fuller relationships. The freed energy will go to growing what the person considers to be important. For many this is more material things, for me it was deeper spirituality. For most people the Landmark programme delivers what it promises which is a life of power, freedom and self-expression. Yet I experienced much resistance during all of the modules. My personality with its thoughts did everything to stop me attending. This was particularly true for the second module - The Advanced Course. This gets to the root of the design of 'human' and my ego personality did not want to go there. Fortunately at this stage my intuitive voice 'to go' was stronger and so under huge duress I found myself attending.

It is out of gratitude to this programme and also to have the opportunity to make a difference to others that I found myself working in their central office yesterday. I threw myself into making phone-calls. Firstly to welcome those who had registered to do a seminar and to confirm that they were still OK to attend. Some calls were easy and friendly and some not so. I found it interesting to watch my own reaction to those who weren't friendly, out of nowhere there was the thought 'I've given up my afternoon to call you and I noticed the feeling of irritation' This was invaluable to me as a spiritual lesson. It showed me something that I would not have seen if I was alone reading spiritual books in my flat.

I also saw how I operate very much in a 'fix it for people mode'. I spoke with one lady who went into great detail about how she couldn't attend the seminar because she didn't like taking public transport late at night. I immediately went into 'help' mode and offered to look on the database to see whether anyone else on the seminar lived near to her. Afterwards the supervisor who was sitting next to me explained that the whole purpose of Landmark is to empower people to have breakthroughs for themselves by sorting things out for themselves. He didn't make me feel wrong but I could feel a hot flush of shame as I saw how my action had robbed her of the opportunity to have a breakthrough in that area for herself.

I also saw the irony of my action and the entry on my blog where I said that I wanted people to learn how to fish instead of being given fish. This was a full-on lesson where all the connections were made for me. This was a lesson but not to beat myself up with just to be more mindful to ensure that my actions match my words in the future. I came home feeling so grateful and happy to have seen this. Without any lessons there is no growth. I noticed while driving home that all the turbulence that was in my mind before I did the work had evaporated. In its place was love, connection and gratitude.

When I got home I suddenly became so tired. I was sitting on my sofa and before I knew I was sound asleep. This is not very like me. I ended up going to bed early.

This morning I woke up with yet more turbulence. I didn't wake until the alarm and then fell back to sleep. It is a restlessness I feel. That is the only way to describe it. A yearning...but for what. I got myself ready for the gym and once outside under the trees felt a little calmer. I did my two classes and came home. I thought that maybe some retail therapy might help so went off to some shops but all of the clothes just confused me so I walked out again. I must have done this with five shops in a row. Walked in, looked around and walked out again. What is this restlessness which won't loosen its grip on me. I feel like bird in a cage that is flapping its wings against the bars. Walking home I thought maybe this restlessness is because I am not doing any formal meditation, although I am constantly mindful. Once at home I plugged out my phone, put on some music from Sir John Tavener, lit a candle and gathered myself on my stool. The music immediately soothed and I could feel the tension drain away. I remembered the power of being in the present and started to repeat the mantra 'just this'. On the in breath I said 'just' and on the out breath I said 'this' and as I did this I could feel everything relaxing. I felt like I had come home again. There was an ease and a connection which had been missing for all of yesterday and most of today. I do not consider myself a mystic so flowing lines about mystical one-ness are not going to appear. The only way I can describe it is like experiencing a sense of completeness of there no longer being anything missing.

And that is where I am as I write this. I return to work tomorrow to the world of form. I think that the balance will be good. It is easy for me to get lost in the formless. Eckhart Tolle understands this. In one interview he describes how for many years he was trapped in the world of form. His form took the shape of depression. Then he had a profound experience where his consciousness shifted to the formless and for two years he did nothing but sit on a park bench lost in the formlessness of being. He will freely admit that it has taken time for him to balance the form with the formless.

Not being overwhelmed by either the world of forms or the formless is the challenge of the spiritual path. The correct balance results in enlightenment....

Another low morning.....

Woke up this morning feeling really down. I have no idea why this is. I felt the separation which comes with loneliness. A closeness to something that was there yesterday was not there this morning. Even looking out of my window at the changing colours of the leaves could not shake a distance that I felt but find it hard to explain. It felt like a certain energy had left me. I felt like something vital was missing....but what.

Yesterday when I returned from the hospital I felt a strong need to do some activitiy to serve in some way. I called the organisation that I am going to do some voluntary work and explained that I was supposed to start my voluntary work next Saturday but if they needed some help that I could be available tomorrow. They were delighted and we agreed that I would work for 31/2 hours today. I felt good when I did this yesterday. One fundamental quality on this path is integrity - doing what you say you will do. Without integrity nothing works. Spiritual development and expansion certainly does not work without integrity. I had promised that on Saturday 1 September I would do something to serve people, which was the workshop.

A combination of a lack of integrity on my part plus building work at the centre meant that this wasn't now going to happen. However, to the Universe this is still what it expects to happen. Keeping one's word and having integrity is important for building the Soul's confidence that the ego personality is sincere in this path. Who I am is my word, my integrity, without my word I am nothing. Everytime I keep my integrity and honour my word my Soul grows in confidence and its energetic touch on the ego personality becomes stronger. Until a point is reached where the ego has complete control of the personality and can align with the Soul. Without integrity none of this is possible.

My integrity had to be maintained. To do this I had to find a way to serve. To have given some money to a homeless person and visited a friend in hospital was not going to be enough. So it is that I will spend over 3 hours calling people and speaking to them about the magic and mystery of transformation. In this way I will be keeping my integrity by serving powerfully.

At the beginning practicing keeping one's integrity is not easy. It requires much discipline. What I have found is that when I keep my word that life is simpler and much less complicated. I put something in my diary and that's it. This is a struggle at the beginning particularly for the ego personality. But what you will find is that after a while it seems to be just what happens. Now I find that if I say I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time then things happen and I arrive at that time even if it can seem like I am going to be late. It is like once I commit to something that the universe does everything in its power to ensure it happens. It will only do this though if the person has demonstrated integrity many times before. If you break your word many times and don't have integrity then the next time you want to keep your word the universe thinks 'Oh yes, we've been here before and kind of opt out' which means you have to work harder by yourself. But keep your word a few times and confidence is built and help is given to ensure that integrity is maintained.

This is how it appears to me from my experience. I am aware that what I write can sound and read bizarre. Firstly to give life to what everyone probably thinks of as an inanimate object the universe. To me the universe is far from inannimate. It is the playground of the Divine. It is living and breathing and if you have the courage to be thought of as silly by others and play around with this idea amazing things open up. For me the spiritual journey is like playing in a playground. Hear, read something, play around with it. If it doesn't work, or doesn't resonate then playfully let go and play with something else. It doesn't matter what it is, all will reveal that which is hidden if played with sincerely.

As I write this I am reminded of a sentence which appears in the first Conversations with God books. Let me have integrity and find the sentence I am referring to in the book....hm..it doesn't quite express what I thought it would but here it is 'Remember, you have asked for this explanation, you've waited for it for years. You've asked for it in layman's terms, not theological doctrines or scientific theories'. This spoke to me when I read it and seemed to suggest that asking with sincerity and humility from the rawness of the personal is the softening point into transcendent knowledge'.

I know that when I first turned towards the spiritual path I had no idea what it was I was doing. I knew that there was a pull to 'something' and then I read things and played with ideas in a light hearted way. But deep down I was deadly serious about my quest for Truth. The reality behind the illusion that I sensed but couldn't penetrate. This playing with ideas was not at a mind or mental level but involved taking them on with a kind of childlike delight to see what if anything would happen. It was important not to have any attachment either which is difficult. It is like planting a seed and then resisting the urge to go to it every day to see if it had flowered. You play with ideas without having any end result attached to them if this makes any sense.

The darkness and separation I woke up with has stayed with me. It seems paradoxical that I can write the above paragraph with the turbulence which is within me as I write. Is it that the Soul which knows nothing of outside events is upset that this workshop on really what is it's journey - The Royal Road to Enlightenment' is not going to happen. Or is it all just my imagination, the product of becoming too engrossed in this blog and of following this as a spiritual path too closely. Feelings don't lie though and hidden in the feeling is the truth. Strange as it might seem I can't help feeling that what I am experiencing is the feeling of a Soul disappointed that it's not going to have its day.

In that way going to serve later is exactly what is needed. When we forget about ourselves in service to others that is when we are most happiest. When our lives are only about me and my problems and what I did and didn't do the level of contentment that is possible is limited. I will throw myself into serving others and hopefully the Soul will feel in some small way compensated for being let down for the workshop....At least that's the plan....let's see how it pans out when I write again later.....

Friday blog continued.....

After I finished writing the last blog entry I got myself ready to go out. I have a habit when I go into my bedroom to turn on the radio. I did this and immediately heard some church music and wondered what it was. Then I remembered. Today was the memorial service for Princess Diana whose soul left her body 10 years ago.

I rushed back into the sitting room and turned on the TV. The first reading by Prince William was being given. I sat there with my eyes transfixed to the screen hand full of compassion for the young man who had lost his mother at such a vulnerable age. Then the younger son Harry gave a tribute to his mother that moved me to tears with its sincerity and simplicity. There were lots of well-wishers outside listening to the service. Wherever lots of people are gathered, united in thought and intention and with stillness and silence there is power and connection. It is difficult to understand the reasons why young lives are taken in their prime. But there is something powerful and connecting when people come together united in grief. There really is then only one Soul and I see it very powefully in these times. At these times more than any others the veil of separation is thin.

While I was watching the service my intuition kept reminding me to 'go to the centre'. I wasn't going to. After the service was over I was going to visit my work colleague in hospital. This blog is about honesty (well as honest as I can be, because there are always going to be things and motives hidden from my view). The insistent either loud thought or voice to 'go to the centre' was beginning to irritate and I found myself in a dialogue with it which went something like this:-

'why do I have to go the centre, I've seen the way it is and have cancelled the workshop, what else is left? I got no answer just those insistent three words 'go to the centre'. Exasperated I set off. When I got to the centre the building work was still ongoing. There was a man and a woman standing outside of the building looking up at it. I thought that maybe the woman was Martina the owner. We locked eyes and I said 'Martina' . She said 'no I'm Jane and this is Paul, we are the new owners'. I was totally shocked. They explained that Martina had gone into receivership and had now left the country. They had bought the centre yesterday! I explained about the workshop that I was to have done there tomorrow and how I had cancelled it and explained that I had paid the full amount for hiring the room upfront.

I explained that I had done this in good faith in return for their willingness to help with marketing. They looked sympathetic. Paul said 'how did you pay'. I replied 'cheque'. He said 'if you had paid with a credit card you would have been able to get the money back. I said 'I'll know for next time'. They explained that they were not liable for any debts of the previous owner. I didn't get angry. I acknowledged that it wasn't their problem and wished them every success for the future. They shook my hand and I walked away.

It didn't take long for the mind with its criticising thoughts to start. Thoughts like 'why didn't you ask them for a refund as a gesture of goodwill, you never did any negotiating, nothing to see if you could salvage anything from this shambles'. On and on these thoughts went...harsh, unforgiving, unrelenting. I watched them come and go like a witness which was good for creating space but did nothing to calm the torrent of confusing feelings I had. Was I truly not ready to give this workshop or was the workshop never meant to be?

I went into a shop to buy some chocolates for my colleague in hospital. While I was choosing the chocolates my phone rang. It was Jane the lady I had spoken to a few minutes earlier at the centre. She said 'I've looked through all the bookings that were made for the centre with Martina and yours is not there! I've spoken with Paul and we are both really sorry for the situation which has arisen. We would like you to do your workshop here and as a gesture of goodwill we are willing to offer you the space at a later date in the future for free. When you come into book explain that you have spoken to Jane and Paul and they have agreed this'.

I really didn't know what to say. I was so overcome and deep feelings of gratitude welled up from deep within me. I established that the offer was not time-limited and that there would be help with marketing, accepted the offer, thanked her and said 'goodbye''. Words just don't do justice to how I felt. I paid for my chocolates with such a huge smile on my face that the cashier laughed and I walked out. The first thing I saw was a man selling the Big Issue. This is a magazine which is usually sold by homeless people. I walked up to him gave him some money and said 'here, take this and keep your magazine'. He was delighted and that feeling that comes when you give to others without any thought for yourself is something that money cannot buy.

I recognise the importance of giving back. I had been shown kindness therefore I must willingly and spontaneously give back. This is the spiritual training. It is also the workings of the law of attraction. Give and gain more. Not give TO gain, but give AND gain. Generosity must be given away. It doesn't have to be material generosity. Generosity of spirit is just as important. I remember when my God-mother died. At her funeral (she was catholic) the priest explained how Betty was a person who always left a person feeling happier when she left them than before she spoke to them. This is true generosity of spirit and resonated with me when I heard it. To have the intention to always leave a person happier than they were when you came to speak to them is the ultimate in generosity of spirit. This can be done by a kind word, generous listening, an open heart. Whatever form it takes the person who is on the receiving end will feel it. I am the first to acknowledge that this is not easy. But the important thing is to have the intention and willingness to try.

Now...I really am going to the hospital....

Give me a fish and I eat for a day....teach me to fish and I eat for a lifetime..(ancient proverb)

While I was running this morning in the gym the words of what I have titled this post came to me. It got me thinking about how to teach people how to fish through the understanding and manipulation of natural and universal laws. To bring about a life which is lived from an enlightened state. My sole concern is that on the spiritual journey that people should know how to fish so so that there's no dependency or reliance on the fisherman. The question then arises as to how to do this.

For me there is a definite difference between the wisdom that emerges from the mystical path via the mystic and the wisdom that emerges via the occult. I want to make it clear that by the occult I do not mean tarot cards or ouiji boards. By occult I mean the study of the laws of the universe and the sheaths that veil the soul. The end outcome of the mystic and of the person that studies and practices the occult is the same i.e. union with the formless. I also believe that the degree to which people can acquire the tools to learn to fish is different in both.

The path of the mystic is that of transcendence whereby the world of form falls away to reveal the formless. This path tends to happen spontaneously. The consciousness shifts raidly from form to no form or formlessness. In the formless state there is no consciousness just awareness. However the mystic has no idea what the trigger for this. It is most often brought about by a state of deep devotion where the mystic experiences the union with the Beloved. The path of devotion by-passes the mind. It is a state of deep and passionate devotion which can and often does open into the transcendent. The mystical path of Islam called Sufism produces mystical devotees through this path of devotion or Bakti. The person entering into this state has often no idea of how it happened and the person listening to a recount of the experience is left in a state of longing and yearning for a similar experience but without having the tools to make it possible.

The path for someone who chooses to experience the transcendent via the occult is slower. It involves a bedrock of devotion but this is not overt or dominant. On top of this bedrock is the faculty of reasoning and alertness. It involves much reading and pondering (more important than reading) listening to classical music which has a spiritual foundation like I am doing now as I write this. I am listening to the music of Sir John Tavener. And as I do the words are just pouring out onto the screen. I am conscious of everything so I do not think I am being used as a channel but each time I reach the end of a sentence more words come so maybe I am.

Reaching the transcendent through the occult path involves identifying how the design of Human is put together. If you accept that 'Human' is a design then like any design the component parts can be identified, deconstructed and then re-constructed. It is like if I understand how a law works and I have all the components necessary for making that law work, then I can take apart the components and put them back together and the law will work in a different way.

This seemed to be something I should write but my rational mind has got involved in the writing and is saying 'are you sure that is really how it would work by the laws of physics? - the truth is that I don't know because I am not a physicist but the initial train of thought came from my intuition so I am going to honour it and leave it in. I will say again that everything I write in this blog are just opinions or views. I don't claim any of what I write to be the truth, only ideas to be considered. What I can state as truth and fact is the power that lies latent in man. These powers or the fires of matter are real. These I can vouch for not from my mind and ideas/thoughts but from experience. The path of the occult is about bringing back from the formless realm forms (insights, intuitions, hypotheses) to aid understanding and increase wisdom.

The path of the occult is the path of gradually developing consciousness and awareness. It is a drip by drip method instead of a big cosmic bang. It involves taking certain ideas as truth and making them real in our lives. From reading the first Conversations with God book I really took on that the Divine that created cannot also experience. To experience, the Divine requires a Human form, so the Divine incarnated in the human form. I really took this on and so I would consciously think of the Divine during all of my experiences and inwardly say to the Divine 'experience this through me'. This went for both pleasant and unpleasant experiences. I can remember a particularly unpleasant work situation where I was being made redundant. In the middle of all the pain and confusion of the situation I took a moment of reflection and said 'experience this through me'.

I am aware that this kind of thinking may sound and read bizarre but the spiritual journey is not like any other journey. It involves you taking a stand for an idea and working with it. For me it was the idea of the Divine experiencing the life it created through me. This meant for me remembering the Divine in every situation I was in. I must stress that this remembering never took the form of a visual hallucination. I have never seen a deity. It is more of a feeling thing. I guess that over time it took the form of a habit to always take a couple of minutes out from whatever it was I was doing to enable the Divine to experience. Like I say it can sound a bit weird and far out but these are the kinds of risks that are necessary at least from my understanding of this path. It seems to be a path that requires constant mindfulness whatever form that may take.

Even before I read this book I had a close association with a Presence. When I was younger I turned to it for comfort. It was only when I got older that I have treated the relationship more symbiotically. I need the Divine to return home and the Divine needs me to experience. It's a relationship of mutual love and respect.


The strangest thing has just happened. I had an insight about the next kingdom that the consciousness is going to enter into - the kingdom of the soul and I had written a little about it. Then suddenly my laptop crashed. Totally dead! It didn't matter what key I pressed, nothing brought it back to life. I turned if off manually and when I turned it back on, everything I had written about this next kingdom was gone. I take from that that I must only write about things I know and have experience of. To do anything else is in danger of inviting ego inflation which is always only sleeping with one eye open.......ever alert for an opportunity to sabotage.


It's my last day of holiday from work so now I have to do the ordinary mundane things of life. I have a strong intuition to visit the centre again which I will do. I heard yesterday from a work colleague that another work colleague has broken both of her ankles. I know it's not very compassionate of me but I was reminded of the famous words by Oscar Wilde in the Importance of being Earnest which I have adapted. He says 'to break one ankle could be seen as unfortunate, to break both, somewhat careless'. I find it hard to get my head around how it's possible to break both ankles. Anyway, I shall go to visit her in hospital.....there may be more for this blog entry later on.......