Monday, 3 September 2007

Every morning....a new beginning

After I finished writing my blog last night I received a phone call from my brother. It wasn't so much of a phone call as a phone scream. He was angry that I had upset 'our' parents by telling them about his request to me for money. I have written about how the spiritual path does not permit ego defensiveness. However stating how one feels concerning a certain issue is absolutely justified and in line with being honest. To state how you feel without making the other person feel wrong...this as you can imagine is not easy.

When my brother took a rest to breathe I began to explain how hurt I was at the way the request for money was made to me (a text message). But instead of this making things better, it made them worse as he gathered more pace and launched into a tirade about how selfish I am and how I only think about myself. Gosh I thought it was only women who could break the speed barrier when it came to number of words in a sentence, my brother would give any of them a run for their money. I think he spoke more to me in the ten minute onslaught than he has in all the years that we have been brother and sister...sad but true. I kept repeating that the issue was not about the money but the way it had been requested. If he had picked up the phone and spoken to me instead of sending text messages the situation would not have escalated in the way it did. But my brother has lots of pride and he would rather die than admit any responsibility for the situation. The phone-call ended by him hanging up on me.

Afterwards I sat still and shocked on my sofa. Wave after wave of confusion and bewilderment washed over me. While he was emptying his lungs at my expense I went within and thought 'how would love handle this, what would love do'? I came out with a response which I thought came from love but which, judging by his reaction obviously didn't. If it had he would have sensed it and become calmer and willing to discuss it but the opposite had happened. The spiritual path is so counter-intuitive. A normal reaction is to fight back with something along the lines of 'how dare you treat me like this' but this is not the way on the spiritual path. As I said before any and every response must come from love and acceptance, not defensiveness and fear. Defensiveness covers up fear. I won't do it no matter how it might appear that I am making myself into a doormat. Only time will tell if that is truly the case.

I cried myself to sleep afterwards berating myself for not handling the whole thing differently. I woke up this morning feeling so good. I can't explain it and it sounds counter-intuitive that you can give yourself a hard time, sleep soundly and wake up feeling refreshed and ready and eager to greet the new day. But this is exactly how it was for me this morning. I have said before in an earlier entry on this blog that I am not a mystic. I want to correct that by saying that I am a mystic in terms of being able to connect with a Presence. But I am a practical mystic in that I want to give practical guidance based solely on my own experience on how to increase this sense of Presence. How to increase a sense of Presence I am sure everyone has felt at least once in their life.

Today at work was spent catching up on the mountain of emails that were sitting in my inbox awaiting my return. Looking out at my window and connecting with the trees and the sky made it all bearable. I also recognise that I welcome structure. The balance today between the form and the formless was calming and grounding.

I'm off tonight to the first night of a ten week seminar called Beyond Fitness. I fit into that percentage of women who do not have a balanced relationship with food. I am aware that some of my energy is trapped in the form called FOOD this takes the form of energy trapped in thoughts like 'I can't eat that, I mustn't eat this, I've eaten too much of that...and on....and on...and on..... This seminar holds out the promise of releasing energy which is trapped in this kind of thinking form. I may be over analysing this but it is how it appears to me.

I'm aware that there's not much spiritual writing in this blog entry today. Perhaps when I get home this evening I'll find a sentence in a book and elaborate on that. My book on Etty Hillesum arrived today and I am delighted about it so I shall write something on her. Who knows perhaps I will find some parallels with me! That would be nice and reassuring never mind add more credibility to this blog as being a record of a spiritual journey.

I've just completed the first of my seminar sessions and it was great. Transformation is all about changing the context in which things are viewed. It is about seeing the familiar in a different way. It is not about changing because change or making things better, more or different is not effective. What is effective is seeing the familiar in a different way. A way which liberates trapped energy. I would love to write so much but I run the risk of breaking a promise I made to respect Landmark's copyright, but here's the weblink: It is well worth checking out. With that I shall discipline this desire of mine to pour out onto the page everything I was privileged to recognise this evening.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your brother has a problem that is expressing itself as anger at you, but there is something else at the heart of it.