The title for this blog entry came to me in the early hours of this morning. With the demise of Lehman Brothers it really brought home just how impermanent and changing our external environment is. Looking to the external environment for transformation and to fulfill an internal spiritual urge is never going to work. The inner world and understanding the workings of the inner world is the access to transformation and to having a life that is magical. This is the access because of our potential as creators of our environment. I would assert that it is now time for everyone to accept this responsbility and to take ownership of the potential of the consciousness to create the reality in which we are are living.
As I have often written I am currently doing a one year programme that is aimed at causing leaders. At the end of this gruelling programme the aim is that I am going to emerge a leader. This is nothing short of ironic because I have never seen myself as a leader but I had a powerful experience on a meditation retreat in Devon in 1998 that I have made to mean that I am a leader. This is why I am putting myself through a programme that on a moment by moment basis I have to make the choice between operating from my identity that wants to play small and not speak out openly about this experience and what it might mean and my possibility that wants me to give up all concerns about playing it safe, and looking good and just SHARE. I am clear about one thing though and that is that I would not be on this programme if that event had not happened. Since then my life has been about searching for the meaning of that experience and in that way I am a victim of the experience. Instead of being able to leave it and move on it has left me like a rabbit in the headlights, kind of frozen as I dropped everything in the pursuit of a meaning for the experience.
What is it about one single event that could completely turn me from someone who was only concerned with things external into only being concerned with the enormous power that lies within me and if it lies within me it also lies within everyone who is reading this blog. This is the power which unleashed can enable the transformation the world is so desperately seeking. But I do not know how to unlock this power and in that lies my frustration. To know and yet not to be able to make a difference in the way that I know that I can given the power I have experienced gives a new meaning to frustration. Even with this power my identity and wanting to look good to people is still stronger than my possibility and herein lies my conflict.
But every event like the demise of a 158 year old institution that was Lehman's strengthens my resolve to continue with my own inner transformation and to continue with this path of training to be a leader even though I experience strong resistance to most of what it involves. I will continue in the trust that the experience I had of what I now understand to be a safe spiritual emergency (well safe in the fact that I don't have some of the well documented side effects that are often associated with this kind of experience) was my turning point to be on the path that I am on.
When everything external shifts and changes.....the internal remains constant.....
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Sunday, 7 September 2008
The ultimate pretence.......
The ultimate pretence is to identify with our thoughts and feelings and then decide 'this is me' and 'x is mine'. This is the ultimate pretence because there is no 'me' or 'mine'. 'Me' and 'Mine' are constructs of the mind and are not real. This is the ultimate pretence and from these all other pretences in life arise. Over the past week I have been going through something. This has manifested itself in the presence of a large red and angry cyst on my stomach. For the past week I have been so restless and unsettled. Last night that all came to a head as in the early hours of the morning I had the insight that I have entitled above. The pretence of the boys toy being 'mine' is the same pretence as the man's Ferrari being 'mine'. It is the same pretence only deeper and more established in the latter.
I also found myself re-visiting the 3 main Buddhist concepts and getting a completely new understanding in the light of the insight of the ultimate pretence. The three pillars on which Buddhism is placed are Anicca, Anatta and Dukkha. The most accurate translation into English is impermanence, no Self and suffering. For the first time I understand these concepts. This is in spite of studying and practicing Mahayana Buddhism for many years! The ultimate pretence which is the nature of human being is to identify with our thoughts and feelings and then proclaim 'this is me'. This pretence leads to suffering as it is identification with something that is not real. When we identify ourselves with something that is not real we suffer. This suffering is what Buddhists call Dukkha. The suffering that comes when we know deep down that who we think we are is not who we are. Anatta is the doctrine of 'no Self'. This means that when we follow back the 'Me' and 'Mine' to where it originated we see that it comes from the larger 'I' and that there is no individual separate Self. Then Anicca is the doctrine of impermanence. That nothing that is identified as 'me and mine' is permanent it all shifts and changes.
What I have seen is that I have identified myself with my spiritual thoughts and feelings and have been attached to these believing these to be who I am. This identification with spiritual thoughts and feelings has caused me as much suffering as being identified to the material things of 'me and mine'. In the early hours of this morning I saw all of this and this morning am giving it all up to come from nothing. Identification with the spiritual is just another form of identification and results in just as much suffering and confusion.
The path of transformation takes courage. I'm not calling this path a spiritual path anymore but it is a path of transformation. By making this shift I am disidentifying with my spiritual thoughts and feelings. This is a huge shift for me and is an example of what can happen when this path is taken and pursued seriously. I'm hesitant about being definite about it because I recognise that there is still a huge amount hidden from my view about this path and what it involves. What I am slightly regretting now is not having the courage to write this blog as I was going through what I was going through last week, the tiredness, restlessness for no apparent reason, feeling a sense of frustration and an impatience and not knowing why. What I see now is that I was going through the conflict of what I call the game. The game between the identity which wants to run the show and the possibility that is evolving to shift consciousness to enable another level of awareness and insight.
This is in my experience a confusing process until the insight shows itself like it did for me in the early hours of the morning. In the early hours of the morning all became clear when I saw just how attached I was to my spiritual identity. I have often written how 'we have thoughts and feelings but this is not who we are and the words have come easily. In the early hours of this morning I had a direct insight into how the subtle identification of anything causes suffering and a feeling of being blocked. It causes this suffering because it is attachment and identification to things that are not real.
So today marks the first day of my life of service and contribution to others. In this way I can begin to dissociate with my own attachment to what I thought is 'me'. I can deepen the 'I' out of which the first 'me' came and on top of which all the other identifications have come and I can truly and honestly come from nothing.......with everything being possible.
I also found myself re-visiting the 3 main Buddhist concepts and getting a completely new understanding in the light of the insight of the ultimate pretence. The three pillars on which Buddhism is placed are Anicca, Anatta and Dukkha. The most accurate translation into English is impermanence, no Self and suffering. For the first time I understand these concepts. This is in spite of studying and practicing Mahayana Buddhism for many years! The ultimate pretence which is the nature of human being is to identify with our thoughts and feelings and then proclaim 'this is me'. This pretence leads to suffering as it is identification with something that is not real. When we identify ourselves with something that is not real we suffer. This suffering is what Buddhists call Dukkha. The suffering that comes when we know deep down that who we think we are is not who we are. Anatta is the doctrine of 'no Self'. This means that when we follow back the 'Me' and 'Mine' to where it originated we see that it comes from the larger 'I' and that there is no individual separate Self. Then Anicca is the doctrine of impermanence. That nothing that is identified as 'me and mine' is permanent it all shifts and changes.
What I have seen is that I have identified myself with my spiritual thoughts and feelings and have been attached to these believing these to be who I am. This identification with spiritual thoughts and feelings has caused me as much suffering as being identified to the material things of 'me and mine'. In the early hours of this morning I saw all of this and this morning am giving it all up to come from nothing. Identification with the spiritual is just another form of identification and results in just as much suffering and confusion.
The path of transformation takes courage. I'm not calling this path a spiritual path anymore but it is a path of transformation. By making this shift I am disidentifying with my spiritual thoughts and feelings. This is a huge shift for me and is an example of what can happen when this path is taken and pursued seriously. I'm hesitant about being definite about it because I recognise that there is still a huge amount hidden from my view about this path and what it involves. What I am slightly regretting now is not having the courage to write this blog as I was going through what I was going through last week, the tiredness, restlessness for no apparent reason, feeling a sense of frustration and an impatience and not knowing why. What I see now is that I was going through the conflict of what I call the game. The game between the identity which wants to run the show and the possibility that is evolving to shift consciousness to enable another level of awareness and insight.
This is in my experience a confusing process until the insight shows itself like it did for me in the early hours of the morning. In the early hours of the morning all became clear when I saw just how attached I was to my spiritual identity. I have often written how 'we have thoughts and feelings but this is not who we are and the words have come easily. In the early hours of this morning I had a direct insight into how the subtle identification of anything causes suffering and a feeling of being blocked. It causes this suffering because it is attachment and identification to things that are not real.
So today marks the first day of my life of service and contribution to others. In this way I can begin to dissociate with my own attachment to what I thought is 'me'. I can deepen the 'I' out of which the first 'me' came and on top of which all the other identifications have come and I can truly and honestly come from nothing.......with everything being possible.
Monday, 1 September 2008
What we don't know.....that we don't know...
I have discovered something rather alarming recently. On this blog I have written about the many years I have spent studying and practicing Mahayana Buddhism. The ego operates differently on a spiritual path than it does on a materialistic path. It tends to be more overt and transparent for the materialistic path in that the person will experience the drive to acquire more and more wealth and it is quite obvious to everyone around what the driving force for this is.
Ego operation on the spiritual path is a more subtle process. The very first touch of realness of the spiritual path is that moment where something shifts so that the consciousness changes from being focussed on external things and turns within. There is an experience which shifts the consciousness to within and to identifying the power that lies within. It is at this point that the ego also shifts its focus. The spiritual path is far more threatening to its survival than the materialistic path and so in order to sabotage it, the ego has to act in a quite a subtle way. This first turning of the consciousness can result in an thought of 'being special' in that this event which admittedly is not very frequent or if it is not many people write or speak about it can begin the start of a spiritual ego that is determined to halt if not prevent the progress of the consciousness to the ultimate goal which is that state of enlightenment through the tranformation of the ego.
A spiritual ego can convince the consciousness of anything. In my case it was that I am such a loving, generous, and open soul and this is the image that I harboured of myself for many years. I was in someway special, better than everyone else. I stopped short in my own head of being able to walk on water! I convinced myself that I was travelling the same well worn path of mystics when the truth was that I was hugely ego inflated. All of this doesn't take away from my conscious intention to be all of the things that would result in the enlightened state of consciousness. That intention was genuine. What was always going to sabotage it however was that whole area of consciousness of 'what I don't know, that I don't know'. This was where the ego was going to do its best and deepest work.
In spite of the best intention to be a good person and live a good life this whole area is so powerful in sabotaging the best held intentions unless what is operating in this area is brought to light and transformed. It is because of this spiritual persona that I have found it difficult to identify what has been going on in this huge area that is hidden from my view. What I have seen and which has shocked me is that I pretend to be this kind and caring person that spiritual people are meant to be and what is really there is how jealous and resentful I am of people. Seeing this has been a huge shock but it has also shifted my consciousness to another level of understanding.
What I now understand is that there is a deeper conflict or battle going on which is not even personal. It is outside out conscious intentions for what we want in life. Creating consciously what we want in life is personal, we do it and are aware that we are doing. What goes on in this whole area of 'what we don't know, that we don't know', is deeply unconscious and is not personal, this area has its own agenda. I have seen this so clearly over the last few days. Having said that it is no reason to despair that every conscious choice I make is in someway going to be hijacked by activity in this area that I are not even aware exists. It depends on the level at which the consciousness is operating. It is the progression of the spiritual journey that this area works to prevent. This is how it is occuring for me and I am aware that it is not the truth just the way it occurs. But for some reason I felt the need to write the blog entry this morning on this topic.
What to do when this is revealed to the consciousness. Like any insight, the first thing to do is not to judge it or make it wrong. It is what it is and no more. Then don't run away from the impact of what has just made itself known. For me the impact of the truth being that I am jealous and resentful while pretending to be this spiritually enlightened and awakened consciousness made me feel sick and explained why I don't contribute the insights and understandings. It's because I don't want others to have what I have because then they might be better than me and I would be jealous. After sitting and really getting the impact of the nastiness that has been beneath the nice veneer I am now creating the possibility of being generous and loving. I know that each time I remember and bring this possibility into existence that the activity that continues to go in in the area of 'don't know, what we don't know' gets weaker somehow. It's like now there is now another strong energy to balance out that other energy. While there is no possibikity activity in this whole area goes on as normal, hidden from our view and outside of our awareness.
Vigilance on the spiritual path is so important but what I have learned is that it doesn't matter how vigilant we are with the thoughts, feelings, behaviour that we are conscious of that the whole area of what we don't know that we don't know is running and will continue to run the show unless this whole area is brought to consciousness and transformed.....
Ego operation on the spiritual path is a more subtle process. The very first touch of realness of the spiritual path is that moment where something shifts so that the consciousness changes from being focussed on external things and turns within. There is an experience which shifts the consciousness to within and to identifying the power that lies within. It is at this point that the ego also shifts its focus. The spiritual path is far more threatening to its survival than the materialistic path and so in order to sabotage it, the ego has to act in a quite a subtle way. This first turning of the consciousness can result in an thought of 'being special' in that this event which admittedly is not very frequent or if it is not many people write or speak about it can begin the start of a spiritual ego that is determined to halt if not prevent the progress of the consciousness to the ultimate goal which is that state of enlightenment through the tranformation of the ego.
A spiritual ego can convince the consciousness of anything. In my case it was that I am such a loving, generous, and open soul and this is the image that I harboured of myself for many years. I was in someway special, better than everyone else. I stopped short in my own head of being able to walk on water! I convinced myself that I was travelling the same well worn path of mystics when the truth was that I was hugely ego inflated. All of this doesn't take away from my conscious intention to be all of the things that would result in the enlightened state of consciousness. That intention was genuine. What was always going to sabotage it however was that whole area of consciousness of 'what I don't know, that I don't know'. This was where the ego was going to do its best and deepest work.
In spite of the best intention to be a good person and live a good life this whole area is so powerful in sabotaging the best held intentions unless what is operating in this area is brought to light and transformed. It is because of this spiritual persona that I have found it difficult to identify what has been going on in this huge area that is hidden from my view. What I have seen and which has shocked me is that I pretend to be this kind and caring person that spiritual people are meant to be and what is really there is how jealous and resentful I am of people. Seeing this has been a huge shock but it has also shifted my consciousness to another level of understanding.
What I now understand is that there is a deeper conflict or battle going on which is not even personal. It is outside out conscious intentions for what we want in life. Creating consciously what we want in life is personal, we do it and are aware that we are doing. What goes on in this whole area of 'what we don't know, that we don't know', is deeply unconscious and is not personal, this area has its own agenda. I have seen this so clearly over the last few days. Having said that it is no reason to despair that every conscious choice I make is in someway going to be hijacked by activity in this area that I are not even aware exists. It depends on the level at which the consciousness is operating. It is the progression of the spiritual journey that this area works to prevent. This is how it is occuring for me and I am aware that it is not the truth just the way it occurs. But for some reason I felt the need to write the blog entry this morning on this topic.
What to do when this is revealed to the consciousness. Like any insight, the first thing to do is not to judge it or make it wrong. It is what it is and no more. Then don't run away from the impact of what has just made itself known. For me the impact of the truth being that I am jealous and resentful while pretending to be this spiritually enlightened and awakened consciousness made me feel sick and explained why I don't contribute the insights and understandings. It's because I don't want others to have what I have because then they might be better than me and I would be jealous. After sitting and really getting the impact of the nastiness that has been beneath the nice veneer I am now creating the possibility of being generous and loving. I know that each time I remember and bring this possibility into existence that the activity that continues to go in in the area of 'don't know, what we don't know' gets weaker somehow. It's like now there is now another strong energy to balance out that other energy. While there is no possibikity activity in this whole area goes on as normal, hidden from our view and outside of our awareness.
Vigilance on the spiritual path is so important but what I have learned is that it doesn't matter how vigilant we are with the thoughts, feelings, behaviour that we are conscious of that the whole area of what we don't know that we don't know is running and will continue to run the show unless this whole area is brought to consciousness and transformed.....
Saturday, 30 August 2008
The cosmic battle......played out in each human
Every day I become more aware of an inner battle between what I will call my identity or ego and my possibility or soul. The battle between the identity with its concepts of 'me' and 'mine' and the possibility with its concepts of 'love and connection'. I assert that in each of us this battle goes on. At the moment it is playing out for me in such a way that I am torn between my identity which wants to play small as I have said before and my possibility that is urging me to be a force for the transformation of human consciousness on the planet and thus the transformation of life itself. The effect on me of this intense inner battle is to leave me incredibly tired and uncertain about just about everything. Yet I know that this is a necessary stage in the transformation of consciousness because there is no shift or growth in the mind that is certain. To accept to be in a place of 'don't know' is to be in a powerful place with a consciousness that is vulnerable and accepting of shift.
For so many this place of 'don't know' is a scary place and so as humans we do everything to ensure that we don't go there. The most effective ways we do this is to form opinions and judgements and to be right in those opinions and judgements. In this way there is the comfort of certainty but the impact of this is that there is no growth and no shift of consciousness. In short, there is the stagnation of the consciousness whose very nature is to shift and transform. It is not so much the place of not knowing that is threatening but the length that the consciousness remains there which holds the unease. I look around me at everyone I know and on the outside they appear to not be in the place where I am at the moment. I have given up making myself wrong for creating this inner conflict within me and I am accepting that this is what is there for me at this time and trusting that out of it some transformation will happen which will touch, move and inspire others. This is transformation. It is not a one-off event but a continous unravelling of the consciousness until it shifts and shifts finally arriving at the point of nothingness or emptiness. When the consciousness reaches this point powerful creation is then possible.
We all create the worlds that we have. For some reading this who are dealing with some difficult events it's a hard thing to take on, that the world we have is what we have created but this is my assertion. To take responsbibility for that creation is the first step to shifting the consciousness towards this state of nothingness. All of the inner turmoil I experience within myself I have created as well as all of the external events that happen to me every day. I am 100% responsible for ALL OF IT. I'm not claiming this to be the truth but an idea to be played with and to see if really taking it on gives some freedom from feeling that we are only the play things of the Gods' I know that there may be some who are thinking 'but what about hurricane Gustav that is currently ripping through the caribbean, has the collective human consciousness created that also and I would assert that yes. But I must stress that this is just an assertion I am not claiming it to be the truth just an idea for the consciousness to play around with.
There is no objective world 'out there'. There is only what is created by consciousness. What would the world look like if everyone took on the responsibility that comes with being a creator and really took on that the human consciousness is powerful enough to create the world. I think that it would look like and be a totally different place......
For so many this place of 'don't know' is a scary place and so as humans we do everything to ensure that we don't go there. The most effective ways we do this is to form opinions and judgements and to be right in those opinions and judgements. In this way there is the comfort of certainty but the impact of this is that there is no growth and no shift of consciousness. In short, there is the stagnation of the consciousness whose very nature is to shift and transform. It is not so much the place of not knowing that is threatening but the length that the consciousness remains there which holds the unease. I look around me at everyone I know and on the outside they appear to not be in the place where I am at the moment. I have given up making myself wrong for creating this inner conflict within me and I am accepting that this is what is there for me at this time and trusting that out of it some transformation will happen which will touch, move and inspire others. This is transformation. It is not a one-off event but a continous unravelling of the consciousness until it shifts and shifts finally arriving at the point of nothingness or emptiness. When the consciousness reaches this point powerful creation is then possible.
We all create the worlds that we have. For some reading this who are dealing with some difficult events it's a hard thing to take on, that the world we have is what we have created but this is my assertion. To take responsbibility for that creation is the first step to shifting the consciousness towards this state of nothingness. All of the inner turmoil I experience within myself I have created as well as all of the external events that happen to me every day. I am 100% responsible for ALL OF IT. I'm not claiming this to be the truth but an idea to be played with and to see if really taking it on gives some freedom from feeling that we are only the play things of the Gods' I know that there may be some who are thinking 'but what about hurricane Gustav that is currently ripping through the caribbean, has the collective human consciousness created that also and I would assert that yes. But I must stress that this is just an assertion I am not claiming it to be the truth just an idea for the consciousness to play around with.
There is no objective world 'out there'. There is only what is created by consciousness. What would the world look like if everyone took on the responsibility that comes with being a creator and really took on that the human consciousness is powerful enough to create the world. I think that it would look like and be a totally different place......
Thursday, 28 August 2008
The nature of spiritual emergency.....
Last month I attended an evening in central London on spiritual emergency. I have spoken of the team management and leadership programme I am currently doing with Landmark Education and this was the team game of one of the participants. The woman who organised it was interested in the topic having had this experience in the past. I would never have known it was happening if she hadn't been asked to share with the group what her team game was. Once I heard it there was no doubt but that I was going to be there. What was amazing was that there are 48 other team members and we all play a team game in the world each quarter and yet nobody else was asked to explain what theirs was.
I arrived at the Friends Meeting House in London for this evening which was billed as the first public talk into the nature of spiritual emergency. The evening began with chanting from the woman who organised the evening. It was obvious to me from the depth and reverence of her chanting that she through the nature of her spiritual emergency was singing from a place of deep peace and stillness. The depth and resonance and beauty of the soul that came through was so moving.
Chanting over, J C Mac was then introduced. He is a long standing friend of the woman who organised the evening and as is quite common in cases of spiritual emergency he was operating quite normally as a life coach when suddenly something happened that totally shattered his consciousness. I can't remember the exact words of what he said about the experience. He described feeling an experience like a very strong wind within him and in an instant the world as he knew it had completely changed. The shift in consciousness was instant and intense. For him it resulted in a completely different perspective on life.
In an instant he realised the unity behind what seems to be separate. There was an automatic and intuitive realisation of deep spiritual Truths. Hearing him speak it was obvious to me that he is still trying to understand and piece together what happened to him. He claimed that it happened spontaneously and without warning and I don't doubt that this is so. My experience though is that this rising of energy from the base of the spine which is often accompanied by a kind of swishing or hissing sound comes after much focussed and concentrated meditation. From my research into the phenomenon there is always a background of intense spiritual practices and seeking.
J C Mac admitted that he had been looking into Zen and Buddhism and other spiritual practices but that he hadn't been doing any of it that intensely. I was a bit sceptical of this when I heard it. Something always precedes this experience, usually a shock of some kind to the mind that shifts it to allow the transformation to happen. This is the way it was for Eckart Tolle when he was struck by the thought when he was depressed 'I cannot live with myself any longer' and the shock of realising 'who am I; am I 'I' or am I 'myself' was enough to shock the mind to allow the transformation to happen and he describes in his first book 'The Power of Now' the rush of energy which coursed through his body and caused him to lose consciousness. When he woke up he was in the same room but it wasn't the same room, everything looked totally different'. This is spiritual emergency in its most concise form. Something happens that involves a movement of energy from the base of the spine to the brain and then back to the heart. This movement of the energy results in the heart awakening and deep feelings of love and connection for all people. For me it marks the shift of the consciousness from the human to the soul.
But the shift if it happens before the consciousness is prepared can prove too much. The shift shatters the mind and this results in the kind of bewilderment and not such a great grip of life that I saw in this man at that event. However the way he was being and his authenticity in not pretending that he had all the answers or any for that matter resulted in a space being created for others to share similar kinds of experiences. What was common to all who shared was the deep sense of love and connection that was experienced by those who claimed a spiritual emergency. What I was concerned about though was that no experience was without its consequences in terms of how well those who went through it were functioning in life. In all there seemed to be a kind of dissociation with the world.
There is no doubt that the experience of spiritual emergency is profound and the insights and realizations that come along with that are shattering to the consciousness. The best way to deal with all of this is to be like a witness, watching the chaos that is arising without entering into it. At this time all kinds of thoughts and realizations come through which are not of the ordinary and the temptation is to get involved with them and take ownership them. To do this is not to integrate the experience so that it becomes a hugely powerful context from which to live life and to be powerful in life. If the experience is not integrated then the consciousness becomes permanently dissociated from reality. It is this integration that was missing in my view from those who shared their experiences that evening.
When the spiritual energy which is dormant at the base of the spine rises it wakes up certain centres in the brain that are normally dormant. It is this that results in the understanding of spiritual truths and insights. A successful awakening is when the energy rises up through the nerves in the centre of the spine rises to the brain and then descends to rest in the heart. This pathway results in the experience of deep joy, peace and love. However what happens if the energy is forced to rise before the channels are ready to receive it either through intense meditation or some other intense spiritual practice is that the energy rises through either the right of left sides of the spine. When this happens the energy cannot find its way back down to the heart and stays in the brain. This results in the experience of tingling, crawling which is often reported in cases of spiritual emergency. The lady who organised the evening told me privately that she was hospitalized when she had hers and she went onto explain to me all of the visual and auditory hallucinations that she had while having it. She knew about the witness though and for all the time kept a journal of what was happening. I have asked if I can read this journal.
I consider myself hugely lucky with the experience I had in 1998 where on a meditation retreat in Devon called 'awakening the heart' I had the experience of energy rising from the base of my spine. I didn't have any visual or auditory hallucinations, see visions of any deities, have any images of past lives or anything psychic or paranormal. Thinking about it now after it I became quite manic with ideas and theories and reading everything spiritual I could get my hands on. I recognised that this was some kind of mania which I watched like a witness without getting involved with it. I also had periods of tearfulness and feeling incredibly sad which I also watched as a witness. Gradually the whole experience has become integrated so that I am able to be in life and be fully present in life while my consciousness is in another dimension.
The most moving account I have read about this process is a book written by a woman called Hazel Courtenay who is an award-winning health journalist. She titles her book 'Divine Intervention' - The true story of how one woman walked between worlds and returned with messages of hope from Diana'. The bit about messages of hope from Diana I am highly sceptical about. The mind when it is shattered is capable of anything and I firmly believe that all such claims no matter what they are or of who they are claiming to contact are products of a mind that is desperately trying to survive. That said, the book is a very good recount of the experience of a sudden and intense spiritual emergency, what it produced and the difficulty afterwards to return to life as it was before this experience.
During the evening I looked around and recognised a man from the Royal College of Psychiatry who I had met and spoken to at a conference on mystics and scientists. Afterwards I went up to him and I said 'this experience has been given such bad press this evening'. I have something different to say but don't know how or where to start'. The unease I had felt from him when I first spoke to him at the conference was there again and he made it obvious that he did not want to speak to me for very long. However one thing he said is something that I am going to take on. He said 'you can be the hope for people that having the experience of spiritual emergency is a rewarding and enriching experience that transforms consciousness and doesn't have to have the lasting and uncomfortable consequences that many spoke about this evening'.
I have taken that on and for my team game in the world I am going to put on another event. I am going to research some statistics for this phenomenon in terms of how many people have experienced it. I dimly remember someone in Luton doing some research into this and so I am going to put on a spiritual science evening around this phenomenon so that those who come have a feel for the scale of people who have this kind of experience. This will be my contribution to an experience which shifted life for me from one where I was just existing and getting by to the one I have now which is filled with joy, peace, love and a deep abiding feeling of contentment that is independent of external events.
Finally....I have removed my pic from this blog. Not because I have anything to fear or hide but out of concern for my family. I have teenage neices and nephews and I don't want them to feel embarassed about any of my writing or for people to make life uncomfortable for them if they recognise their relationship to me from my picture. I've also found now that I feel freer writing knowing that it is not there.....
I arrived at the Friends Meeting House in London for this evening which was billed as the first public talk into the nature of spiritual emergency. The evening began with chanting from the woman who organised the evening. It was obvious to me from the depth and reverence of her chanting that she through the nature of her spiritual emergency was singing from a place of deep peace and stillness. The depth and resonance and beauty of the soul that came through was so moving.
Chanting over, J C Mac was then introduced. He is a long standing friend of the woman who organised the evening and as is quite common in cases of spiritual emergency he was operating quite normally as a life coach when suddenly something happened that totally shattered his consciousness. I can't remember the exact words of what he said about the experience. He described feeling an experience like a very strong wind within him and in an instant the world as he knew it had completely changed. The shift in consciousness was instant and intense. For him it resulted in a completely different perspective on life.
In an instant he realised the unity behind what seems to be separate. There was an automatic and intuitive realisation of deep spiritual Truths. Hearing him speak it was obvious to me that he is still trying to understand and piece together what happened to him. He claimed that it happened spontaneously and without warning and I don't doubt that this is so. My experience though is that this rising of energy from the base of the spine which is often accompanied by a kind of swishing or hissing sound comes after much focussed and concentrated meditation. From my research into the phenomenon there is always a background of intense spiritual practices and seeking.
J C Mac admitted that he had been looking into Zen and Buddhism and other spiritual practices but that he hadn't been doing any of it that intensely. I was a bit sceptical of this when I heard it. Something always precedes this experience, usually a shock of some kind to the mind that shifts it to allow the transformation to happen. This is the way it was for Eckart Tolle when he was struck by the thought when he was depressed 'I cannot live with myself any longer' and the shock of realising 'who am I; am I 'I' or am I 'myself' was enough to shock the mind to allow the transformation to happen and he describes in his first book 'The Power of Now' the rush of energy which coursed through his body and caused him to lose consciousness. When he woke up he was in the same room but it wasn't the same room, everything looked totally different'. This is spiritual emergency in its most concise form. Something happens that involves a movement of energy from the base of the spine to the brain and then back to the heart. This movement of the energy results in the heart awakening and deep feelings of love and connection for all people. For me it marks the shift of the consciousness from the human to the soul.
But the shift if it happens before the consciousness is prepared can prove too much. The shift shatters the mind and this results in the kind of bewilderment and not such a great grip of life that I saw in this man at that event. However the way he was being and his authenticity in not pretending that he had all the answers or any for that matter resulted in a space being created for others to share similar kinds of experiences. What was common to all who shared was the deep sense of love and connection that was experienced by those who claimed a spiritual emergency. What I was concerned about though was that no experience was without its consequences in terms of how well those who went through it were functioning in life. In all there seemed to be a kind of dissociation with the world.
There is no doubt that the experience of spiritual emergency is profound and the insights and realizations that come along with that are shattering to the consciousness. The best way to deal with all of this is to be like a witness, watching the chaos that is arising without entering into it. At this time all kinds of thoughts and realizations come through which are not of the ordinary and the temptation is to get involved with them and take ownership them. To do this is not to integrate the experience so that it becomes a hugely powerful context from which to live life and to be powerful in life. If the experience is not integrated then the consciousness becomes permanently dissociated from reality. It is this integration that was missing in my view from those who shared their experiences that evening.
When the spiritual energy which is dormant at the base of the spine rises it wakes up certain centres in the brain that are normally dormant. It is this that results in the understanding of spiritual truths and insights. A successful awakening is when the energy rises up through the nerves in the centre of the spine rises to the brain and then descends to rest in the heart. This pathway results in the experience of deep joy, peace and love. However what happens if the energy is forced to rise before the channels are ready to receive it either through intense meditation or some other intense spiritual practice is that the energy rises through either the right of left sides of the spine. When this happens the energy cannot find its way back down to the heart and stays in the brain. This results in the experience of tingling, crawling which is often reported in cases of spiritual emergency. The lady who organised the evening told me privately that she was hospitalized when she had hers and she went onto explain to me all of the visual and auditory hallucinations that she had while having it. She knew about the witness though and for all the time kept a journal of what was happening. I have asked if I can read this journal.
I consider myself hugely lucky with the experience I had in 1998 where on a meditation retreat in Devon called 'awakening the heart' I had the experience of energy rising from the base of my spine. I didn't have any visual or auditory hallucinations, see visions of any deities, have any images of past lives or anything psychic or paranormal. Thinking about it now after it I became quite manic with ideas and theories and reading everything spiritual I could get my hands on. I recognised that this was some kind of mania which I watched like a witness without getting involved with it. I also had periods of tearfulness and feeling incredibly sad which I also watched as a witness. Gradually the whole experience has become integrated so that I am able to be in life and be fully present in life while my consciousness is in another dimension.
The most moving account I have read about this process is a book written by a woman called Hazel Courtenay who is an award-winning health journalist. She titles her book 'Divine Intervention' - The true story of how one woman walked between worlds and returned with messages of hope from Diana'. The bit about messages of hope from Diana I am highly sceptical about. The mind when it is shattered is capable of anything and I firmly believe that all such claims no matter what they are or of who they are claiming to contact are products of a mind that is desperately trying to survive. That said, the book is a very good recount of the experience of a sudden and intense spiritual emergency, what it produced and the difficulty afterwards to return to life as it was before this experience.
During the evening I looked around and recognised a man from the Royal College of Psychiatry who I had met and spoken to at a conference on mystics and scientists. Afterwards I went up to him and I said 'this experience has been given such bad press this evening'. I have something different to say but don't know how or where to start'. The unease I had felt from him when I first spoke to him at the conference was there again and he made it obvious that he did not want to speak to me for very long. However one thing he said is something that I am going to take on. He said 'you can be the hope for people that having the experience of spiritual emergency is a rewarding and enriching experience that transforms consciousness and doesn't have to have the lasting and uncomfortable consequences that many spoke about this evening'.
I have taken that on and for my team game in the world I am going to put on another event. I am going to research some statistics for this phenomenon in terms of how many people have experienced it. I dimly remember someone in Luton doing some research into this and so I am going to put on a spiritual science evening around this phenomenon so that those who come have a feel for the scale of people who have this kind of experience. This will be my contribution to an experience which shifted life for me from one where I was just existing and getting by to the one I have now which is filled with joy, peace, love and a deep abiding feeling of contentment that is independent of external events.
Finally....I have removed my pic from this blog. Not because I have anything to fear or hide but out of concern for my family. I have teenage neices and nephews and I don't want them to feel embarassed about any of my writing or for people to make life uncomfortable for them if they recognise their relationship to me from my picture. I've also found now that I feel freer writing knowing that it is not there.....
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
The power of a comment......
This morning I received a comment to my blog entry about my visit to Mother Meera in March this year. The comment prompted me to resume this blog which I have neglected for some time. I am still amazed at the statistics for the number of people who return to read past blog entries. Strange as it may seem given all the insights and experiences that I have on a regular basis I experience huge resistance to sitting down and writing. Once I am here it flows and I enjoy it. When I received the comment I re-read what I had written about this visit and I want to use this blog entry to distinguish between Mother Meera's Darshan which is done in silence and silence as an entry point into the state of being. Silence is a powerful transition space that takes the consciousness from the state of doing to the state of being. However to get to this point of entry with silence requires the quietening of the mind's internal and incessant chatter and its continuous forming thoughts. The mind will never voluntarily allow silence to take it to this point so extreme measures are called for. This is the purpose of long silent meditation retreats. The long days and nights of silence bring the mind to breaking point, then it quietens.
This is how it happened to me. In 1996 I was on a silent 10 day meditation retreat in India. For the first 3 days the mind was busy observing, commenting, selecting those people it would speak to when the silence was broken. Then on day 4 I started to feel incredibly restless. I had thoughts like 'what are you doing here', 'it's a complete waste of time'. I persevered with this but by the time day 7 came I thought that I was losing my mind. I kept fighting and resisting everything. In the end on day 8 I decided that I would leave the retreat because I had more travelling to do alone in India and I wanted to make sure that I would be able to do this safely. In that instance when I gave up fighting with my mind I experienced this deep sense of peace and calm. Surprised I didn't know what it was but decided to go to bed and see how I felt in the morning. The morning came and the sense of peace and calm remained. I decided then to stay for the remainder of the retreat. My abiding memory of that time was of a mind that was relatively free of thoughts at least compared to the intensity and frequency of the thoughts that had been in the mind before this shift. I saw the direct relationship between number of thoughts and experience of bliss. Less mind activity equals more serenity.
As a result of this experience I consider silence to be more powerful than speech and in that regard Mother Meera understands the power of silence also. Where my unease lies is that as far as I understand it she never speaks to any devotee or permits any devotee to speak with her. Sri Ramana Maharshi was also a strong and ardent advocate of silence. But he also spoke the wisdom he had accessed through silence. I don't believe that the state of enlightenment which is nothing more than the absence of thoughts and the mind returning to its original home - the Self, can be brought about by silence alone. Some discourse, some context to set the spiritual journey within and some stimulation for the mind is necessary. At a certain stage all of the knowledge that is gleaned from discussion, debate has to be given up and the consciousness has to come from nothing if that abiding state of peace, joy and bliss is to be experienced.
The spiritual path is as real a path as any other. At the moment I am doing a one year team management and leadership programme with Landmark Education. What it is bringing up for me is the conflict between my identity with its ego that wants me to stay and play small and my possibilility or soul that is crying out for me to play big with the insights and experiences that I have. What I have seen is that because I am so aware of the narrowness of the spiritual path I have spent much of my time being wary of being big headed or getting ego inflated. Ego inflation sounds the death knell to the spiritual path. So my way of ensuring that this doesn't happen is to constantly make myself wrong thus sentencing myself to a life of suffering, and having no fun. Seeing this now is so ridiculous given what the fruits of the spiritual path provide;, making wrong and suffering is the complete opposite of what the path has to offer. I see my unconscious commitment to suffering as the way that my identity ensured that I do not live into the life that is possible when I don't suffer or make myself wrong. The further along the spiritual path the consciousness travels the more subtle are the ways that the identity sabotages it. The spiritual is a game for the Truth...
I consider humility to be the most important quality on the spiritual path. It acts as a protection against ego inflation. However what I had been doing is making myself wrong in order to ensure I remained humble!..duh... and this just just doesn't work. So through this blog I am declaring that my new possibility for myself from here on is the 'possibility of being humble without making wrong'. In this way I can honour and acknowledge myself and not fear that it will result in ego inflation. I am using this year as the training that I would get from a Guru or spiritual master if I had one. The team programme with Landmark is not a spiritual programme but is about becoming a master in certain communication distinctions which are given when one takes on the training involved in the communication curriculum. What it is showing up very intensely and directly for me is the permanent conflict between my identity and my soul.
My identity has been resisting creating possibility because each time a possibility is generated and put into action the identity gets that little bit weaker. What I have seen is that my resistance to creating possibility (a way of being) reflects the commitment of my identity to keep my consciousness in a state of suffering and make wrong. This is a safe place for the identity. I used to vaguely wonder why every time the concept of possibility came up that I would experience an irritation perhaps this explains it......
So thank you for the comment on Mother Meera that has prompted me to return to this blog. Thank you also to those loyal readers who have returned to read different postings. May this writing which is from me but not of me touch, move and inspire all who read it to take the spiritual path on with reverence and earnest, with the faith that the state that mystics and saints have written about through the ages is as real now as it was then.
This is how it happened to me. In 1996 I was on a silent 10 day meditation retreat in India. For the first 3 days the mind was busy observing, commenting, selecting those people it would speak to when the silence was broken. Then on day 4 I started to feel incredibly restless. I had thoughts like 'what are you doing here', 'it's a complete waste of time'. I persevered with this but by the time day 7 came I thought that I was losing my mind. I kept fighting and resisting everything. In the end on day 8 I decided that I would leave the retreat because I had more travelling to do alone in India and I wanted to make sure that I would be able to do this safely. In that instance when I gave up fighting with my mind I experienced this deep sense of peace and calm. Surprised I didn't know what it was but decided to go to bed and see how I felt in the morning. The morning came and the sense of peace and calm remained. I decided then to stay for the remainder of the retreat. My abiding memory of that time was of a mind that was relatively free of thoughts at least compared to the intensity and frequency of the thoughts that had been in the mind before this shift. I saw the direct relationship between number of thoughts and experience of bliss. Less mind activity equals more serenity.
As a result of this experience I consider silence to be more powerful than speech and in that regard Mother Meera understands the power of silence also. Where my unease lies is that as far as I understand it she never speaks to any devotee or permits any devotee to speak with her. Sri Ramana Maharshi was also a strong and ardent advocate of silence. But he also spoke the wisdom he had accessed through silence. I don't believe that the state of enlightenment which is nothing more than the absence of thoughts and the mind returning to its original home - the Self, can be brought about by silence alone. Some discourse, some context to set the spiritual journey within and some stimulation for the mind is necessary. At a certain stage all of the knowledge that is gleaned from discussion, debate has to be given up and the consciousness has to come from nothing if that abiding state of peace, joy and bliss is to be experienced.
The spiritual path is as real a path as any other. At the moment I am doing a one year team management and leadership programme with Landmark Education. What it is bringing up for me is the conflict between my identity with its ego that wants me to stay and play small and my possibilility or soul that is crying out for me to play big with the insights and experiences that I have. What I have seen is that because I am so aware of the narrowness of the spiritual path I have spent much of my time being wary of being big headed or getting ego inflated. Ego inflation sounds the death knell to the spiritual path. So my way of ensuring that this doesn't happen is to constantly make myself wrong thus sentencing myself to a life of suffering, and having no fun. Seeing this now is so ridiculous given what the fruits of the spiritual path provide;, making wrong and suffering is the complete opposite of what the path has to offer. I see my unconscious commitment to suffering as the way that my identity ensured that I do not live into the life that is possible when I don't suffer or make myself wrong. The further along the spiritual path the consciousness travels the more subtle are the ways that the identity sabotages it. The spiritual is a game for the Truth...
I consider humility to be the most important quality on the spiritual path. It acts as a protection against ego inflation. However what I had been doing is making myself wrong in order to ensure I remained humble!..duh... and this just just doesn't work. So through this blog I am declaring that my new possibility for myself from here on is the 'possibility of being humble without making wrong'. In this way I can honour and acknowledge myself and not fear that it will result in ego inflation. I am using this year as the training that I would get from a Guru or spiritual master if I had one. The team programme with Landmark is not a spiritual programme but is about becoming a master in certain communication distinctions which are given when one takes on the training involved in the communication curriculum. What it is showing up very intensely and directly for me is the permanent conflict between my identity and my soul.
My identity has been resisting creating possibility because each time a possibility is generated and put into action the identity gets that little bit weaker. What I have seen is that my resistance to creating possibility (a way of being) reflects the commitment of my identity to keep my consciousness in a state of suffering and make wrong. This is a safe place for the identity. I used to vaguely wonder why every time the concept of possibility came up that I would experience an irritation perhaps this explains it......
So thank you for the comment on Mother Meera that has prompted me to return to this blog. Thank you also to those loyal readers who have returned to read different postings. May this writing which is from me but not of me touch, move and inspire all who read it to take the spiritual path on with reverence and earnest, with the faith that the state that mystics and saints have written about through the ages is as real now as it was then.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
The image....and the screen
When I was a young girl I can remember going to the cinema. At one point I felt this overwhelming urge to turn around and look behind me. What I saw was from what seemed to be one light came a mulitude of images on a screen. Something about that insight struck me forcibly and this morning I had the same thought but it was developed. Regular visitors to this blog will know that I have been lax in writing it. My resistance to writing it has been very strong. I have spent much of today resisting the urge to write it and now that I have finally sat down to write it I find that the restlessness I have grappled with for much of today has simply disappeared.
There is something more than just the light causing the mulitude of images that has prompted this blog entry. What I hadn't considered when I made the connection between the one light producing a multiple of images is the screen on which those images are shown. The screen is the background on which the images show themselves. The images are temporary and changing but the screen on which they are projected is permanent and unchanging. If we can relate to the images as our thoughts and feelings then it is possible to really get how like images on a screen they come and go. What remains constant is the screen. This insight this morning seemed somehow very important to write about.
What is strange about this insight and the urge to write is that the reason for me not writing this blog is that I have been attempting to enter into the world of relationships. Readers of past entries will remember that I wrote some posts about my efforts to become related to 'a guy in the gym'. For as long as I can remember I have had emotions but they have never been that strong. I have written about the different lines of development, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social. I assert that to emerge a healthy balanced person all of these lines have to develop more or less together. I will be the first to admit that my spiritual line of development is far in advance of my emotional development. My many years of spiritual study and thinking and writing gave me the belief that emotions have to be controlled. This was the spiritual path, control not indulgence of feelings and emotions. As a result I threw myself into the spiritual at the expense of the emotional.
I did this to such a degree that I blocked off the feelings of normal healthy attraction. The result of this is that when my friends used to say how much they fancied someone I had no idea what they were talking about. I sensed that there was some other way to feel but had no idea what that was or how to get in touch with it. I didn't see that there was anything missing. My spiritual path was the most important to me and it came before everything and everyone else. What I was not being honest with myself about though was that far from transcending my emotion I was just repressing and not allowing myself to feel. I have had boyfriends but had no idea what it was I supposed to feel for them so they didn't last long. I used to muse sometimes about why it seemed to be this way for me but then would bury myself in yet another spiritual truth and marvel at another spiritual truth that would once again resonate.
Just lately I find all of that changing. I am in touch with emotions now that I didn't know were possible to have never mind were there for me. They surfaced with the guy I wrote about who is married. What was amazing about this is that I was one woman to him for the 14 years we were friends. There was no chemistry there but because I had never experienced chemistry I didn't know that it was there to be had. Then something shifted and suddenly I was a totally different woman. As you can imagine he couldn't understand this transformation and was understandably fearful. For me, all I knew was that I was more easy and relaxed with him and that a chemistry was there that had never been. I suddenly saw for the first time how being with him when he was still married had no integrity and never would while the agreement of marriage was still in place. This shift in me together with this realization caused the end of this long what I will call 'an association'!
Now I find myself in a similar situation with 'the guy from the gym'. These feelings are now there for him in a huge way but also what is happening is that there is a marked increase in my spiritual insights. It's like I am being presented with a choice. I can work at getting my emotions to the same point as my spiritual development or I can choose to be grateful to be connected to my emotions, transcend them and pursue this spiritual journey. I find it strange that it is now that this abundance of spiritual thoughts and insights are hitting me. I went for the last couple of weeks not having many spiritual insights but today all of that changed and I think this has happened for me to choose......'my spiritual path.....or 'the guy of the gym'. And if not the guy from the gym because that is not a certainty but someone else.... I know that there are views that say both are possible but how many of the great prophets and sages were in committed relationships.....
Now that I have written all this I am so tempted to delete it and start again with something less raw but I won't....this is what is there for me at this moment and I will honour it by writing and letting it be published.
There is something more than just the light causing the mulitude of images that has prompted this blog entry. What I hadn't considered when I made the connection between the one light producing a multiple of images is the screen on which those images are shown. The screen is the background on which the images show themselves. The images are temporary and changing but the screen on which they are projected is permanent and unchanging. If we can relate to the images as our thoughts and feelings then it is possible to really get how like images on a screen they come and go. What remains constant is the screen. This insight this morning seemed somehow very important to write about.
What is strange about this insight and the urge to write is that the reason for me not writing this blog is that I have been attempting to enter into the world of relationships. Readers of past entries will remember that I wrote some posts about my efforts to become related to 'a guy in the gym'. For as long as I can remember I have had emotions but they have never been that strong. I have written about the different lines of development, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social. I assert that to emerge a healthy balanced person all of these lines have to develop more or less together. I will be the first to admit that my spiritual line of development is far in advance of my emotional development. My many years of spiritual study and thinking and writing gave me the belief that emotions have to be controlled. This was the spiritual path, control not indulgence of feelings and emotions. As a result I threw myself into the spiritual at the expense of the emotional.
I did this to such a degree that I blocked off the feelings of normal healthy attraction. The result of this is that when my friends used to say how much they fancied someone I had no idea what they were talking about. I sensed that there was some other way to feel but had no idea what that was or how to get in touch with it. I didn't see that there was anything missing. My spiritual path was the most important to me and it came before everything and everyone else. What I was not being honest with myself about though was that far from transcending my emotion I was just repressing and not allowing myself to feel. I have had boyfriends but had no idea what it was I supposed to feel for them so they didn't last long. I used to muse sometimes about why it seemed to be this way for me but then would bury myself in yet another spiritual truth and marvel at another spiritual truth that would once again resonate.
Just lately I find all of that changing. I am in touch with emotions now that I didn't know were possible to have never mind were there for me. They surfaced with the guy I wrote about who is married. What was amazing about this is that I was one woman to him for the 14 years we were friends. There was no chemistry there but because I had never experienced chemistry I didn't know that it was there to be had. Then something shifted and suddenly I was a totally different woman. As you can imagine he couldn't understand this transformation and was understandably fearful. For me, all I knew was that I was more easy and relaxed with him and that a chemistry was there that had never been. I suddenly saw for the first time how being with him when he was still married had no integrity and never would while the agreement of marriage was still in place. This shift in me together with this realization caused the end of this long what I will call 'an association'!
Now I find myself in a similar situation with 'the guy from the gym'. These feelings are now there for him in a huge way but also what is happening is that there is a marked increase in my spiritual insights. It's like I am being presented with a choice. I can work at getting my emotions to the same point as my spiritual development or I can choose to be grateful to be connected to my emotions, transcend them and pursue this spiritual journey. I find it strange that it is now that this abundance of spiritual thoughts and insights are hitting me. I went for the last couple of weeks not having many spiritual insights but today all of that changed and I think this has happened for me to choose......'my spiritual path.....or 'the guy of the gym'. And if not the guy from the gym because that is not a certainty but someone else.... I know that there are views that say both are possible but how many of the great prophets and sages were in committed relationships.....
Now that I have written all this I am so tempted to delete it and start again with something less raw but I won't....this is what is there for me at this moment and I will honour it by writing and letting it be published.
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