Monday, 1 September 2008

What we don't know.....that we don't know...

I have discovered something rather alarming recently. On this blog I have written about the many years I have spent studying and practicing Mahayana Buddhism. The ego operates differently on a spiritual path than it does on a materialistic path. It tends to be more overt and transparent for the materialistic path in that the person will experience the drive to acquire more and more wealth and it is quite obvious to everyone around what the driving force for this is.

Ego operation on the spiritual path is a more subtle process. The very first touch of realness of the spiritual path is that moment where something shifts so that the consciousness changes from being focussed on external things and turns within. There is an experience which shifts the consciousness to within and to identifying the power that lies within. It is at this point that the ego also shifts its focus. The spiritual path is far more threatening to its survival than the materialistic path and so in order to sabotage it, the ego has to act in a quite a subtle way. This first turning of the consciousness can result in an thought of 'being special' in that this event which admittedly is not very frequent or if it is not many people write or speak about it can begin the start of a spiritual ego that is determined to halt if not prevent the progress of the consciousness to the ultimate goal which is that state of enlightenment through the tranformation of the ego.

A spiritual ego can convince the consciousness of anything. In my case it was that I am such a loving, generous, and open soul and this is the image that I harboured of myself for many years. I was in someway special, better than everyone else. I stopped short in my own head of being able to walk on water! I convinced myself that I was travelling the same well worn path of mystics when the truth was that I was hugely ego inflated. All of this doesn't take away from my conscious intention to be all of the things that would result in the enlightened state of consciousness. That intention was genuine. What was always going to sabotage it however was that whole area of consciousness of 'what I don't know, that I don't know'. This was where the ego was going to do its best and deepest work.

In spite of the best intention to be a good person and live a good life this whole area is so powerful in sabotaging the best held intentions unless what is operating in this area is brought to light and transformed. It is because of this spiritual persona that I have found it difficult to identify what has been going on in this huge area that is hidden from my view. What I have seen and which has shocked me is that I pretend to be this kind and caring person that spiritual people are meant to be and what is really there is how jealous and resentful I am of people. Seeing this has been a huge shock but it has also shifted my consciousness to another level of understanding.

What I now understand is that there is a deeper conflict or battle going on which is not even personal. It is outside out conscious intentions for what we want in life. Creating consciously what we want in life is personal, we do it and are aware that we are doing. What goes on in this whole area of 'what we don't know, that we don't know', is deeply unconscious and is not personal, this area has its own agenda. I have seen this so clearly over the last few days. Having said that it is no reason to despair that every conscious choice I make is in someway going to be hijacked by activity in this area that I are not even aware exists. It depends on the level at which the consciousness is operating. It is the progression of the spiritual journey that this area works to prevent. This is how it is occuring for me and I am aware that it is not the truth just the way it occurs. But for some reason I felt the need to write the blog entry this morning on this topic.

What to do when this is revealed to the consciousness. Like any insight, the first thing to do is not to judge it or make it wrong. It is what it is and no more. Then don't run away from the impact of what has just made itself known. For me the impact of the truth being that I am jealous and resentful while pretending to be this spiritually enlightened and awakened consciousness made me feel sick and explained why I don't contribute the insights and understandings. It's because I don't want others to have what I have because then they might be better than me and I would be jealous. After sitting and really getting the impact of the nastiness that has been beneath the nice veneer I am now creating the possibility of being generous and loving. I know that each time I remember and bring this possibility into existence that the activity that continues to go in in the area of 'don't know, what we don't know' gets weaker somehow. It's like now there is now another strong energy to balance out that other energy. While there is no possibikity activity in this whole area goes on as normal, hidden from our view and outside of our awareness.

Vigilance on the spiritual path is so important but what I have learned is that it doesn't matter how vigilant we are with the thoughts, feelings, behaviour that we are conscious of that the whole area of what we don't know that we don't know is running and will continue to run the show unless this whole area is brought to consciousness and transformed.....

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