Last night I went to have dinner with a friend. Afterwards I was waiting for a bus at the bus stop to go home when this car stopped alongside me and a man looked out. Think 'Pretty Woman' except for I am no Julia Roberts and he certainly was no Richard Gere. A man was walking up the street and also looked at the car. No words were exchanged between me and the man in the car but my face must have conveyed everything that needed to be said because he crawled away. I caught the eye of the man on the street and said 'is that what I think it was'. He replied 'yes'. In astonishment I said 'but I'm at a bus stop'. To which he shrugged his shoulders and said 'his kind don't care about that'. I was amazed at what had happened. I lived in London for almost 20 years and I've never had anything like that happen and I'm one month living in Brighton and I've been mistaken for a hooker, it's just amazing. I didn't make it mean anything which is why I could be bemused about the whole thing without getting upset or angry. I'm under no illusion that had I been anyone vaguely resembling a female with a pulse he would have done what he did. I must admit to feeling a bit vulnerable after it standing at the bus stop on an eerily quiet street even though it was only 10pm at night. After what seemed like ages the bus came and grateful I quickly got on. I wondered what was the lesson in this for me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and when we can stand back and not get caught up in making it mean something but just look at it for what it was then the reason for every event will show itself. Unfortunately although I racked my brain for what its purpose was my intuition was unusually quiet.
I couldn't believe it when I let myself into the house and the smell of dope was strong enough for me to get high without smoking anything. I found myself feeling angry not at the fact that they were smoking again but because I had been told that the smoking is confined to the weekend when clearly it isn't. This is the one occasion when I find it hard not to make lying mean anything. Finding someone out in a lie is for me a betrayal of trust and it changes how I see that person. This is ridiculous because it is in the nature of human being to lie to make ourselves look good to others. This is the main driver of human behaviour, the need to look good and avoid looking bad to ourselves and others. This looking good is the price we pay for not being authentic. Unfortunately the cost is hidden from our view which is why we are not aware of it and why the need to look good can operate so effectively from beneath our awareness.
But why I find myself in this environment is also there for me to look at. What is it that this environment is going to teach me. For one brief moment last night I wondered whether it was a message to take another drug that maybe my consciousness needs another artificial shove to get to the next level of intuitions and insights but for some reason I am reluctant to make it mean this. Now I have a different context for behaviour. Tiredness I don't see as natural tiredness I see it as the tiredness of either being constantly stoned or the withdrawal of being stoned the night before. And yet, there is a kindness in these people that I am staying with. I see their love and commitment to their kids and the mother and father to each other. It is my issue why I am feeling judgemental and critical, nothing to do with them or smoking dope. It is times like this that I crash head on with the lovely tolerant Buddhist I want to paint myself as and the small critical identity which is never very far away.
And yet in spite of me being like this everything is taking off at a speed that is breathtaking. Having gone on a rant yesterday about not being able to get an interview at a Buddhist centre, I received an email from the centre reconsidering the request for the interview if it's not going to be published in a magazine. I was thrilled about this and immediately replied reassuring them that I wouldn't send the article to any media. In the meantime, I had contacted another Buddhist centre requesting the interview. They agreed without any hesitation so all I have to do is to confirm the time. So yesterday I had none and this evening I have 2!. Also today I had a call from the reviewer of my book requesting that the publisher send 10 copies to his book shop - all of this is quite incredible and I know that it is all happening because of me being in integrity over how I spend my days.
The only continuing nightmare is shorthand. The words that I live in dread of every day are 'how would you write'..aagh...all my hours spent drilling (fancy word for shorthand practice) the outlines and fooling myself that I'm actually getting somewhere only to be completely stymied when the lecturer asks us to work out something that we haven't seen before'. My competence bubble comes crashing down and I suddenly have mega headache and want to be anywhere but in the room. I think I'm so intuitive in every area of life and then when it comes to guessing what are the main outlines of a word...intuition goes right out the window and whatever I scrawl down bears no resemblance to the perfect outline that has gone on the board. I just dread the actual shorthand exam but this is not very powerful given all the training I have had for how to create the life I want which I must admit I am creating pretty well at the moment.
I've even managed to get a team around me to plan an end of exam party for all of us. This was something I was sure that I couldn't do. My identity had given me a point of view which was all about doing everything on my own. The thoughts of putting together a team to do anything made me feel sick. But the training I am doing is all about learning how to lead and empower and cause a team and as it's my last quarter I gave a commitment that I would push through any resistance to make this happen, and there has been huge resistance. I was convinced that Icouldn't put a team together and organise something and suddenly now I have 6 people all up for organising this event. Life is truly magical at the moment in spite of all the hard college work. I've also received confirmation that my work experience placement is all approved and an interview has been set up for me with a view to writing an article for that magazine for their next issue. This will be a challenge because it is working for a trade magazine and my interest and experience has been in writing for a consumer magazine so once again I will be challenged. I was sitting in the library yesterday writing and I was stuck for a word so I gazed out the window, then not only a word came but the whole sentence and it was perfect for what I was writing. I was so in awe of this because of how different it was when I was working in a different field. The magic of what is possible when you are doing something you love was not available because I had no integrity around what I was doing. I did it as best I could but deep down I knew that it was the wrong environment for me. When things get challenging for me in this field I can't fall back on the reason that it's the wrong thing for me. I know that it is so right for me if I can find the right magazine.
What I have found amazing is how ready people are to speak to me. When I recreate what people say so that they can see that I have listened and understood what they have said, they are so much freer in what they saw. Nothing builds closeness more than to be listened to and understood. It makes for a much better and more interesting interview also.
Tomorrow I start my first evening of the Vortex group healing. I'm in that place where now that it is almost here I'm wondering why did I sign up for it. But I know that this is just my identity that doesn't want to go because of some threat. I assert that when we feel any resistance to anything it is the identity that doesn't want us to have the breakthroughs that are possible if we push through that resistance and do that one thing we have been resisting or putting off. I was so resisting putting together a team to plan this event and I gave it up and just went for it and the results in every other area in terms of everything else moving and flowing are nothing short of magical. The tragedy is that we all too often give into the resistance and in that moment when we do that.....we die a little and the big game we are all destined to play if not in this life then in another shrinks. For so long I have kept myself small and safe rejecting lots of invitations to find out what's on the other side. These days I'm more willing than I have ever been to go to what's on the other side.....
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
The light is too uncomfortable...for those who want to stay in the dark...
The title for this blog entry came to me when I was gazing out at the sea from the window during one of our breaks at college today. What I am referring to is the killing of a police man in Northern Ireland last night - the third member of the security forces to to be killed in 48 hours. It is sad because it is a reminder that the identity which is not personal has no interest in peace, bliss, joy or harmony. It operates as an individual purely concerned with 'I and mine'. It has no interest in unity or connection and will use every means both fair and foul to ensure that such namby pamby values such as peace, and harmony do not survive. This is human nature so why should the killings have shocked and sadenned me so much. The identity thrives on uncertainty and has no interest in all of humanity living peacefully together. What I feel is a frustration at being able to see what is operating and yet being powerless to do anything about it except to raise awareness through this blog. But ever mindful that what I am asserting is a view, it is not the truth.
I didn't write my blog last night because I was so tired. I was in a dark place for most of Sunday so that on Monday even though I felt so much better I didn't have the energy to write this blog. Monday is a long day even though it doesn't start until 11.15am, it doesn't finish until 6pm. I am no owl and I find writing or studying late at night not easy. I am far happier getting up in the early hours of the morning to meditate and do some study but late at night forget it.
Yesterday I contacted a Buddhist centre here with the aim of having an interview with the spiritual director for an article I would do for my portfolio and then submit to one of the Alternative magazines. I called up and introduced myself and requested the interview. I was politely told that the spiritual director doesn't give interviews for magazine articles. I wa so amazed at this. The world is crumbling, people are desperately looking for something else now that the materialism bubble has well and truly burst and someone who could provide some words of hope and inspiration not to mind swell the numbers of people who might register for their courses is not prepared to do so. When I heard this I racked my brain for some words from the Buddha to the effect of 'you shall not give interviews to wannabe journalists' but unfortunately I couldn't find any. It is true that you will never find a Buddhist on a street corner handing out leaflets promoting the philosophy but I would have thought that refusing to be of service and lessen the suffering of people who are looking for something new and different is kind of going against the Dharma or Buddhist wisdom.
What's really going on here is that I'm pissed off that I can't get an article out of it and I'm coming over all righteous and superior. This is how the identity operates, covers up what is really going on with a veneer of altruisim which is nothing but hypocrisy really. But I will persevere I will visit the centre and see what I can glean from a visit there. I hate to give up on something once I have made up my mind that I'm going to do it....so watch this space.....
I didn't write my blog last night because I was so tired. I was in a dark place for most of Sunday so that on Monday even though I felt so much better I didn't have the energy to write this blog. Monday is a long day even though it doesn't start until 11.15am, it doesn't finish until 6pm. I am no owl and I find writing or studying late at night not easy. I am far happier getting up in the early hours of the morning to meditate and do some study but late at night forget it.
Yesterday I contacted a Buddhist centre here with the aim of having an interview with the spiritual director for an article I would do for my portfolio and then submit to one of the Alternative magazines. I called up and introduced myself and requested the interview. I was politely told that the spiritual director doesn't give interviews for magazine articles. I wa so amazed at this. The world is crumbling, people are desperately looking for something else now that the materialism bubble has well and truly burst and someone who could provide some words of hope and inspiration not to mind swell the numbers of people who might register for their courses is not prepared to do so. When I heard this I racked my brain for some words from the Buddha to the effect of 'you shall not give interviews to wannabe journalists' but unfortunately I couldn't find any. It is true that you will never find a Buddhist on a street corner handing out leaflets promoting the philosophy but I would have thought that refusing to be of service and lessen the suffering of people who are looking for something new and different is kind of going against the Dharma or Buddhist wisdom.
What's really going on here is that I'm pissed off that I can't get an article out of it and I'm coming over all righteous and superior. This is how the identity operates, covers up what is really going on with a veneer of altruisim which is nothing but hypocrisy really. But I will persevere I will visit the centre and see what I can glean from a visit there. I hate to give up on something once I have made up my mind that I'm going to do it....so watch this space.....
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Today the sea.....mirrored my mood....
Last night I didn't recount something that happened that turned out to be significant this morning. I was in my room last night when I had a strong urge to go downstairs and have something to eat. This is not something that I have done when I have come back after a trip to London. I reasoned that it was because I had some fruit that was on its last day for eating. I went downstairs prepared the fruit and then opened to door to the living room where I sit to have my meals. An umistakeabke smell gripped my senses, it was the very distinctive smell of cannabis. I thought the best way of handling it was to acknowledge that I recognised the smell and not to make anything of it, which I didn't anyway. I thought it was funny how when I smelt it I immediately went to 'of course, they are not English, this is common for them' but of course this is ridiculous but it showed me just how innate is the need to make everything mean something and find an explanation for everything. I finished my fruit, said goodnight and went to bed.
This morning I went down early to make my breakfast and the woman came into the kitchen. We exchanged pleasantries about how well we had slept and then she looked me full in the eye and said 'are you OK about us smoking'. I looked her full in the eye right back and said completely. How could I say any different when I have taken cannabis in the form of a half a hash cookie in the past. We talked about this and I ended up telling her all about the experience I had in Devon. Part of my dilemma about the experience I had is because 2 weeks prior to that retreat I had taken that 1/2 hash cookie at a barbecue party. The effects on me were just awful in terms of the waves of paranoia that washed over me. I have written all about this experience in my book. I had booked the meditation retreat many months before the barbecue party. After the experience in Devon I became quite hermit like as I read every spiritual and mystical book I could get my hands on and I built up this image of myself as the saviour of the world and special and more important than anyone else.
I was heavily into this when I met a guy who had a philosophy degree. I told him all about the experience including what had led up to it. He looked at me and said 'you don't get it do you'. I looked at him blankly and said 'get what'. He continued 'get that what happened to you was drug induced and not spiritual'! This rocked my world because I had never made the connection between the 1/2 hash cookie I had 2 weeks prior to the retreat and there still being remnants of it in my brain which became activated with the change of environment. This burst the egotistic bubble I had built around myself as being some kind new age saint or mystic and I came crashing down to earth. There is much more to the story than I can go into here.
People taking drugs to achieve lofty mystical states is not new. Aldous Huxley wrote 'Doors of Perception' about the altered states of consciousness that are possible through taking drugs particularly hallucinogenic drugs. This view is controversial but from my experience I assert that the shift of consciousness which is necessary for a spiritual awakening that is permanent and not fleeting or a glimpse requires something stronger than meditation. Meditation does alter consciousness but mostly only for the time the person is meditating. Many of the Sutras given by the Buddha were either in or following a meditative state. After the meditation the consciousness slips back to where it was before. Altering the consciousness with a drug shifts it more profoundly. Maintaining it at that level naturally takes work but is possible. It is raising or shifting it in the first place which is hardest thing to do.
My world came crashing down because I had always promised myself that I would not take drugs to achieve a mystical state. Now it turned out that I had done exactly that. After this realization there followed a period of deep depression for me. I felt that I had been kicked out of the spiritual kingdom and I couldn't go back to conventional life, I felt too different.
One Saturday night I was in my flat alone and thinking that I was in hell. Not belonging anywhere really had to be hell. Out of nowhere came either a loud thought or a voice. There were only 3 words said. These were:, 'do Landmark Forum'. This was amazing because 3 years before someone had invited me to an introductory evening. Half-way through it I walked out. I heard the sentence 'anything you want for yourself and your life is possible through this education'. I thought to myself 'yeah right, load of marketing crap' and I found my feet taking me out of the room and out of the door. I had never given the evening another thought and amazingly given all the people who have done the Forum I never met anyone who had done it. So it was unbelievable to be so forcefully reminded of it when I was truly at a crossroads and felt like I was completely bound and stuck.
The rest then...is history. From that weekend I saw that I was only a spiritual path because I was avoiding dealing with pain from my childhood. I dealt with all that, saw that it was all a story I had made up about things that happened and shifted the context I had for my young years of life. After this my spiritual insights and intuitions increased in their frequency and my consciousness expanded and my entire being was filled with peace, calm and bliss. The training provided by Landmark is not spiritual, they are clear about that and so I am. It is training to understand our limitations and how they were put together to prevent us from being the most powerful we can be.
Remembering the experience in Devon by bringing it alive when I was speaking with the woman really unsettled me for the rest of the day. I should have done some shorthand, law, public affairs instead I did nothing except surf the net and feel uncertain and unsettled. I was once again gripped by a frustration of having an experience and not knowing what to do with it or even how to be in life. I so understand where Harry is coming from. Having the experience be once again so alive made everything else in life such a poor second today. I walked up to the coast road and gazed at the sea fully expecting the blueness and calm of the sky to be reflected in the sea. To my amazement it wasn't. The sea was what i would describe as angry, the waves were crashing high up on the rocks and the ebb and swell of the waves was so obvious. Under the calm a storm was brewing and I thought just how like me the sea was today. Calm on the outside but inside....a raging tornado
This morning I went down early to make my breakfast and the woman came into the kitchen. We exchanged pleasantries about how well we had slept and then she looked me full in the eye and said 'are you OK about us smoking'. I looked her full in the eye right back and said completely. How could I say any different when I have taken cannabis in the form of a half a hash cookie in the past. We talked about this and I ended up telling her all about the experience I had in Devon. Part of my dilemma about the experience I had is because 2 weeks prior to that retreat I had taken that 1/2 hash cookie at a barbecue party. The effects on me were just awful in terms of the waves of paranoia that washed over me. I have written all about this experience in my book. I had booked the meditation retreat many months before the barbecue party. After the experience in Devon I became quite hermit like as I read every spiritual and mystical book I could get my hands on and I built up this image of myself as the saviour of the world and special and more important than anyone else.
I was heavily into this when I met a guy who had a philosophy degree. I told him all about the experience including what had led up to it. He looked at me and said 'you don't get it do you'. I looked at him blankly and said 'get what'. He continued 'get that what happened to you was drug induced and not spiritual'! This rocked my world because I had never made the connection between the 1/2 hash cookie I had 2 weeks prior to the retreat and there still being remnants of it in my brain which became activated with the change of environment. This burst the egotistic bubble I had built around myself as being some kind new age saint or mystic and I came crashing down to earth. There is much more to the story than I can go into here.
People taking drugs to achieve lofty mystical states is not new. Aldous Huxley wrote 'Doors of Perception' about the altered states of consciousness that are possible through taking drugs particularly hallucinogenic drugs. This view is controversial but from my experience I assert that the shift of consciousness which is necessary for a spiritual awakening that is permanent and not fleeting or a glimpse requires something stronger than meditation. Meditation does alter consciousness but mostly only for the time the person is meditating. Many of the Sutras given by the Buddha were either in or following a meditative state. After the meditation the consciousness slips back to where it was before. Altering the consciousness with a drug shifts it more profoundly. Maintaining it at that level naturally takes work but is possible. It is raising or shifting it in the first place which is hardest thing to do.
My world came crashing down because I had always promised myself that I would not take drugs to achieve a mystical state. Now it turned out that I had done exactly that. After this realization there followed a period of deep depression for me. I felt that I had been kicked out of the spiritual kingdom and I couldn't go back to conventional life, I felt too different.
One Saturday night I was in my flat alone and thinking that I was in hell. Not belonging anywhere really had to be hell. Out of nowhere came either a loud thought or a voice. There were only 3 words said. These were:, 'do Landmark Forum'. This was amazing because 3 years before someone had invited me to an introductory evening. Half-way through it I walked out. I heard the sentence 'anything you want for yourself and your life is possible through this education'. I thought to myself 'yeah right, load of marketing crap' and I found my feet taking me out of the room and out of the door. I had never given the evening another thought and amazingly given all the people who have done the Forum I never met anyone who had done it. So it was unbelievable to be so forcefully reminded of it when I was truly at a crossroads and felt like I was completely bound and stuck.
The rest then...is history. From that weekend I saw that I was only a spiritual path because I was avoiding dealing with pain from my childhood. I dealt with all that, saw that it was all a story I had made up about things that happened and shifted the context I had for my young years of life. After this my spiritual insights and intuitions increased in their frequency and my consciousness expanded and my entire being was filled with peace, calm and bliss. The training provided by Landmark is not spiritual, they are clear about that and so I am. It is training to understand our limitations and how they were put together to prevent us from being the most powerful we can be.
Remembering the experience in Devon by bringing it alive when I was speaking with the woman really unsettled me for the rest of the day. I should have done some shorthand, law, public affairs instead I did nothing except surf the net and feel uncertain and unsettled. I was once again gripped by a frustration of having an experience and not knowing what to do with it or even how to be in life. I so understand where Harry is coming from. Having the experience be once again so alive made everything else in life such a poor second today. I walked up to the coast road and gazed at the sea fully expecting the blueness and calm of the sky to be reflected in the sea. To my amazement it wasn't. The sea was what i would describe as angry, the waves were crashing high up on the rocks and the ebb and swell of the waves was so obvious. Under the calm a storm was brewing and I thought just how like me the sea was today. Calm on the outside but inside....a raging tornado
Saturday, 7 March 2009
Between two cities....wonder in both....
I left my house early this morning to go to London to do my three hour office agreement. It was a beautiful sunny morning and I felt such a sense of urgency to get to the top of the road where my consciousness would be treated to the sight of the sea. I wasn't disappointed, there it was in all its power and magnificence. When my eyes see this sight it is like my consciousness is on an elastic band. It leaves and connects with what it sees so that my eyes, the sea and how I see all become one and there is nothing but complete and utter absorption. It is so hard to write about the power of this. In that space of nothing I am in the presence of everything and that is what is just so amazing and magical. Shift happens when there is a mind with no-thought or to put it another way utter absorption and connection creates shift. Looking at the sea with nobody around I felt such joy, bliss and stillness.
On the train next to me was a group of what I can only call just achieved puberty boys. The conversation was so enlightening in terms of how they see members of their opposite sex. None of the girls talked about had a name, it was ' that the one with skanky hair'! One boy who looked like he had only just been prised from his mothers breast declared that he had two girls on the go and that the first time had had lasted 'five minutes, but he had to 'talk to her for ages first!' I was highly amused at this and had to really bury myself in my shorthand book not to smile. Someone else might have been horified at such attitudes and tut to themselves about 'the youth of today' but for me it was a real privilege to have the opportunity to be in the world of the young people. In this world where a lot of people are jaded and tired of a recession that has now lasted almost 15 months to be around young people who are excited about what life has to offer and their confidence that they can have it work for them was inspiring to me.
I arrived at the office for my agreement and to my disappointment found that I was the only one doing the agreement at this time. I found this really amazing in that I speak about how the identity creates situations to keep us small. My identity uses my point of view which is 'I'm not loved, I'm alone' to ensure I play small by not putting myself forward with people. Here it was again, I was on an agreement and there was nobody with me! I had a fleeting thought to leave but then immediately knew that this is what the identity wanted. It was my moment of truth to be my word and stay or give into my identity and leave. I chose the former. I did something I wouldn't usually do in that I picked up the phone and called my coach to say that this didn't work for me and I wanted some support around being powerful to do the agreement. This resulted in another phone call to another person who called me and I ended up having a powerful conversation which resulted in me having conversations with graduates about what they want to have in their life and sharing how I am creating the life that I want purely through the power of communication.
I was thrilled because on this agreement I really listened to what it was people said they wanted to have in their lives. Usually I don't listen and just go on and share what I have got from the training. I recognise that I do this out of fear that if I listen then I'm not in control of the conversation and I might say the wrong thing. When I'm in control of the conversation then I occur to myself as being more powerful. However this is just how it occurs for me it's not the way it is. How it may occur for the person on the other end of the phone is of being talked down to or me just being concerned with what I got without having any thought about how it can be applied so that they get what they want for themselves. For the first time on agreement I really saw that and I took on training myself in listening and out of it I had two graduates confirm that they will come along to the evening session of the next communication curriculum so that they can have love and affinity in all of their communication at all times. This is what the communication curriculum promises and it is what it delivers.
I finished my agreement and went out into the brilliant sunshine with that feeling that only comes when we make a difference to someone. By saying all of this I do not mean to be evangelical. There are lots of ways out there to make a difference, the training I am doing is not the only one. However having studied and read lots of things, for me it has been the most amazing year of training in achieving what I have achieved and what I am going on to achieve. Transformation doesn't stop, it can't. It is the energy that fuels the consciousness to shift from human to spiritual. A shift that is happening whether we like it or not. To co-operate and not resist is how to transition with freedom and ease.
I arrived back in Brighton tired but happy and let myself into the house where I am staying. I had a lovely chat with the family. My last words before I dropped off to sleep were...'how great thou art'....I didn't know to who I was addressing this but that doesn't matter.......
On the train next to me was a group of what I can only call just achieved puberty boys. The conversation was so enlightening in terms of how they see members of their opposite sex. None of the girls talked about had a name, it was ' that the one with skanky hair'! One boy who looked like he had only just been prised from his mothers breast declared that he had two girls on the go and that the first time had had lasted 'five minutes, but he had to 'talk to her for ages first!' I was highly amused at this and had to really bury myself in my shorthand book not to smile. Someone else might have been horified at such attitudes and tut to themselves about 'the youth of today' but for me it was a real privilege to have the opportunity to be in the world of the young people. In this world where a lot of people are jaded and tired of a recession that has now lasted almost 15 months to be around young people who are excited about what life has to offer and their confidence that they can have it work for them was inspiring to me.
I arrived at the office for my agreement and to my disappointment found that I was the only one doing the agreement at this time. I found this really amazing in that I speak about how the identity creates situations to keep us small. My identity uses my point of view which is 'I'm not loved, I'm alone' to ensure I play small by not putting myself forward with people. Here it was again, I was on an agreement and there was nobody with me! I had a fleeting thought to leave but then immediately knew that this is what the identity wanted. It was my moment of truth to be my word and stay or give into my identity and leave. I chose the former. I did something I wouldn't usually do in that I picked up the phone and called my coach to say that this didn't work for me and I wanted some support around being powerful to do the agreement. This resulted in another phone call to another person who called me and I ended up having a powerful conversation which resulted in me having conversations with graduates about what they want to have in their life and sharing how I am creating the life that I want purely through the power of communication.
I was thrilled because on this agreement I really listened to what it was people said they wanted to have in their lives. Usually I don't listen and just go on and share what I have got from the training. I recognise that I do this out of fear that if I listen then I'm not in control of the conversation and I might say the wrong thing. When I'm in control of the conversation then I occur to myself as being more powerful. However this is just how it occurs for me it's not the way it is. How it may occur for the person on the other end of the phone is of being talked down to or me just being concerned with what I got without having any thought about how it can be applied so that they get what they want for themselves. For the first time on agreement I really saw that and I took on training myself in listening and out of it I had two graduates confirm that they will come along to the evening session of the next communication curriculum so that they can have love and affinity in all of their communication at all times. This is what the communication curriculum promises and it is what it delivers.
I finished my agreement and went out into the brilliant sunshine with that feeling that only comes when we make a difference to someone. By saying all of this I do not mean to be evangelical. There are lots of ways out there to make a difference, the training I am doing is not the only one. However having studied and read lots of things, for me it has been the most amazing year of training in achieving what I have achieved and what I am going on to achieve. Transformation doesn't stop, it can't. It is the energy that fuels the consciousness to shift from human to spiritual. A shift that is happening whether we like it or not. To co-operate and not resist is how to transition with freedom and ease.
I arrived back in Brighton tired but happy and let myself into the house where I am staying. I had a lovely chat with the family. My last words before I dropped off to sleep were...'how great thou art'....I didn't know to who I was addressing this but that doesn't matter.......
Friday, 6 March 2009
Some synchronicities are simply.....beyond belief...
Some blog entries ago I talked about starting my final quarter of the Team Management and Leadership programme I am doing. The programme is very structured in terms of holding people to account for promises made but not kept. The principle on which it operates is that without integrity nothing works in life. Integrity means doing what I said I would do when I said I would do it and doing it in a way that is complete and impeccable. It also involves keeping an empowering and powerful context for everything I do and say. One of these structures is a short telephone call each morning with what is called a committed colleague. On this call I give my promises for what I am going to do that day and I create a possibility and empowering context within which I will do what I said I would do. She does the same and the next morning we hold each other to account on what has not been done. Not in a way that makes not keeping our word bad and wrong but in terms of getting the impact of not doing what we promised. Each time I don't do what I said I would I lose power and am not effective, to get this impact and re-commit to whatever it is I did not do is to keep myself in power in life. I see the power of this in how I have coped with the major life change I made towards the end of the last quarter.
On the weekend that starts each new quarter we get assigned our committed colleague. This quarter I am the committed colleague for a new incoming quarter one. It is very interesting now that I am quarter 4 seeing myself in my quarter 1 committed colleague. All the overwhelm I felt but unlike me whose mantra was 'leave me alone, I'm only quarter one' she is throwing herself into the programme, taking on different responsibilities and transforming in the process. This morning I was telling her what I was going to do and I said that I was going to follow up on an email I wrote to a magazine requesting a work experience place for Easter. When I mentioned the name of the magazine, she started laughing and said that she worked for that magazine group in the past and gave me the name of the editor who took over when she left. This is simply amazing. Before this morning I didn't know that she was involved in publishing. I knew that she had her own company that she had sold but I didn't know that it was a magazine publishing business she had sold. After the call was finished I sat totally stunned for a few minutes trying to understand this amazing synchronicity and how it had come about.
I had no say in who was going to be my committed colleague and out of 46 people on team I have a committed colleague who is knowledgeable in the area that I want to write in. I really feel that inspite of appearances that there is a structure and order to everything that is happening. All we can see at any one time is one piece of a jigsaw the whole picture is hidden from our view. This is why trust and remaining true to ourselves and not to sell out on ourselves is so important. I called up the man whose contact details I had and pending agreement with the HR department of the publishing group will have my 2nd work experience placement sorted out.
I spent some time in the library today because I wanted to work on a book review that has to be in for Monday. I was staring out of the window willing for some inspiration when into my mind popped an image of Barack Obama and I knew immediately the book I was going to write a review for. It would be Dreams from my father - A story of race and inheritance. With a triumphant flourish I opened a blank word document and sat with my fingers poised on the keyboard. The image of him looking reflective and meditative on the cover of his book seemed to be the spur that I needed to bang off 600 words quite quickly. I did my usual thing of writing a couple of sentences and then going back to edit it so it has ended up being a restrained piece but I am so relieved that it is done and gone to the lecturer.
We had another wake-up call in the form of a newspaper editor who came in to speak to us. He spoke about the newspaper and magazine industry being in an unprecedented state of flux. But instead of wanting to dishearten us he wanted to encourage us that there is a huge need for good reporters and writers. He gave some really good tips for approaching the industry after qualification but the mood he left me in was sober but determined to succeed and secure a job as a staff writer on a magazine when I qualify.
I'm tired tonight because last night I spent a frustrating 2 hours trying to use skype to chat to my friend in London without any luck. I'm off to London tomorrow to do my 3 hour office agreement which I am excited about. I love finding out from people what it is they want in their life and being of service and contribution in sharing what I've got and what is possible and encouraging people to create the life they want instead of sitting around waiting for life to happen.......
On the weekend that starts each new quarter we get assigned our committed colleague. This quarter I am the committed colleague for a new incoming quarter one. It is very interesting now that I am quarter 4 seeing myself in my quarter 1 committed colleague. All the overwhelm I felt but unlike me whose mantra was 'leave me alone, I'm only quarter one' she is throwing herself into the programme, taking on different responsibilities and transforming in the process. This morning I was telling her what I was going to do and I said that I was going to follow up on an email I wrote to a magazine requesting a work experience place for Easter. When I mentioned the name of the magazine, she started laughing and said that she worked for that magazine group in the past and gave me the name of the editor who took over when she left. This is simply amazing. Before this morning I didn't know that she was involved in publishing. I knew that she had her own company that she had sold but I didn't know that it was a magazine publishing business she had sold. After the call was finished I sat totally stunned for a few minutes trying to understand this amazing synchronicity and how it had come about.
I had no say in who was going to be my committed colleague and out of 46 people on team I have a committed colleague who is knowledgeable in the area that I want to write in. I really feel that inspite of appearances that there is a structure and order to everything that is happening. All we can see at any one time is one piece of a jigsaw the whole picture is hidden from our view. This is why trust and remaining true to ourselves and not to sell out on ourselves is so important. I called up the man whose contact details I had and pending agreement with the HR department of the publishing group will have my 2nd work experience placement sorted out.
I spent some time in the library today because I wanted to work on a book review that has to be in for Monday. I was staring out of the window willing for some inspiration when into my mind popped an image of Barack Obama and I knew immediately the book I was going to write a review for. It would be Dreams from my father - A story of race and inheritance. With a triumphant flourish I opened a blank word document and sat with my fingers poised on the keyboard. The image of him looking reflective and meditative on the cover of his book seemed to be the spur that I needed to bang off 600 words quite quickly. I did my usual thing of writing a couple of sentences and then going back to edit it so it has ended up being a restrained piece but I am so relieved that it is done and gone to the lecturer.
We had another wake-up call in the form of a newspaper editor who came in to speak to us. He spoke about the newspaper and magazine industry being in an unprecedented state of flux. But instead of wanting to dishearten us he wanted to encourage us that there is a huge need for good reporters and writers. He gave some really good tips for approaching the industry after qualification but the mood he left me in was sober but determined to succeed and secure a job as a staff writer on a magazine when I qualify.
I'm tired tonight because last night I spent a frustrating 2 hours trying to use skype to chat to my friend in London without any luck. I'm off to London tomorrow to do my 3 hour office agreement which I am excited about. I love finding out from people what it is they want in their life and being of service and contribution in sharing what I've got and what is possible and encouraging people to create the life they want instead of sitting around waiting for life to happen.......
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Being.....the plaything of the Gods....
I stared down at the red result on my shorthand test and couldn't believe it. Was that really 86% that was staring back at me. How on earth could I have got such a high mark with outlines that are so shaky. My brain had no answer and instead got fixated on a mark that I have never seen in my life before. Feeling really chuffed and delighted I stole a look at the outlines that the lecturer had given us that she had did and noted how neat they all looked. The teacher saw me looking at them and made a sweeping comment about 'some of us needing to be careful about our penmanship'. For those not in the shorthand know this refers to the drawing of the outlines. I could feel the give away red blush start at the nape of my neck and slowly travel up my face as what she said resonated and I saw myself included in her statement of 'some of you'.
It is only a mark on a page and in truth means nothing but the psychological effect it had on me was real. It was confirmation that I am keeping my head above water in spite of what my critical inner voice is telling me. It is confirmation in the face of the power that is that inner voice that we all which is not usually complimentary but critical. When I say this I want to make a distinction between the voices that characterize certain mental disorders such as schizoprenia. The voice I am referring to is not that one but the one in the head that always has a running commentary on everything that is going on. The tragedy about life is that we don't listen to what others say to us, but to what that voice is saying about what others say to us.
Buoyed up my success in shorthand I went into the design class more positive than I thought I would be. I was debating when to tell the lecturer about my disability in being partially sighted. Followed close on this thought was huge resistance and a real reluctance to tell him. Maybe it was my imagination but he seemed to go slower this time and I could follow better. At one point something he was asking us to do just wouldn't work so with a sick feeling of anticipation I stopped him in mid-flow and explained what wasn't working. Far from it being something simple it turned out to be something which can cause frustration if you don't know the tool to use to make it happen. So what I thought would be something simple turned out to benefit everyone in the end.....could life get any better. I stole a look out of the window and connected with the blue sky and sent out a beam of gratitude from my heart. I had also moved desks so that when I was at the computer I could look out of the window and connect with nature and that seemed to make all the difference.
Then....it all went pear shaped. Suddenly everyone elses computer was wrong and mine was right! I had the right text on my screen and all the others had pink text...aagh...I was suddenly the plaything of the Gods and I didn't like it. I don't want to be different and stand out. I want to be the same as everyone else and belong. Yet I have an identity that is strong and creates me to spend much of my time alone and I collude in this because it is safe.
Yet I know that soon I am going to have to speak up. What happened here in Britain today was unprecedented in terms of the Bank of England printing money up to the tune of 75 bn pounds. I heard this move being likened to something similar that happened in 1932 to pull the country out of recession. I have real fears about this move, not from an economic point of view because I am not an expert on economics (what's more honest, is that I know nothing about economics) but from the point of view of prolonging the agony of a world in shift. I am also asking what happened to the 34 million of tax payers money that was used to bail out I think it was Northern Rock bank (I haven't checked this as a fact). I have spoken in this blog about the shift of consciousness I see happening as things are put in place to make ready for this shift. I see everything that is happening as part of that shift. My gut feeling and I have to be very careful because I know that words create world. The words I use determine the world I get. There is no 'real' world out there, there is only the world I create with my words so I have to be careful about how I put them together to create meaning.
I am creating this shift of consciousness which is coming to bring about a more self-aware world to be positive in spite of the appearance of it being a catastrophe. To hold onto the reality in spite of appearances is to have power in the midst of turmoil. The shift is bringing about increased self-awareness. If I am to consider this shift in relation to the brain I see it as the evolution of the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. I assert (again I'm not a neuroscientist) that it is the acceleration of this part of the brain that results in greater self-awareness. I am convinced that most if not all spiritual/mystical experiences have a brain component. The experience I had was a brain one in that I didn't see any angelic beings, ascended masters but I felt the energy rise to the brain and descend. As a result I have insights and can understand so clearly the shifts of consciousness which a human undergoes to make it fit to enter the next world....that of the spiritual. This is why the consciousness with events that are happening in the world is being forced to look at life, themselves and the world differently.
This different way of looking is shifting consciousness to the next level. It happens when we look at the familiar in a different way. Not as immediately as the transformation that happens when the consciousness gets caught in a vortex but at a slower more gradual level. But this is painful and there will be casualities. Change is painful.....but without change there is no growth. The old has to go..to make room for the new. New wine cannot be put into old bottles. What determines whether this shift is going to be pleasant or painful.....the choice...not to resist the events that are bringing about the shift of consciousness on a mass scale like we are seeing today.
Yesterday evening I was treated to the most brilliant sunset where the sun was a ball of red suspended in the bluest of skies. I saw this sight and there was nothing in my consciousness just an absorbing connection and an overwhelming love....
It is only a mark on a page and in truth means nothing but the psychological effect it had on me was real. It was confirmation that I am keeping my head above water in spite of what my critical inner voice is telling me. It is confirmation in the face of the power that is that inner voice that we all which is not usually complimentary but critical. When I say this I want to make a distinction between the voices that characterize certain mental disorders such as schizoprenia. The voice I am referring to is not that one but the one in the head that always has a running commentary on everything that is going on. The tragedy about life is that we don't listen to what others say to us, but to what that voice is saying about what others say to us.
Buoyed up my success in shorthand I went into the design class more positive than I thought I would be. I was debating when to tell the lecturer about my disability in being partially sighted. Followed close on this thought was huge resistance and a real reluctance to tell him. Maybe it was my imagination but he seemed to go slower this time and I could follow better. At one point something he was asking us to do just wouldn't work so with a sick feeling of anticipation I stopped him in mid-flow and explained what wasn't working. Far from it being something simple it turned out to be something which can cause frustration if you don't know the tool to use to make it happen. So what I thought would be something simple turned out to benefit everyone in the end.....could life get any better. I stole a look out of the window and connected with the blue sky and sent out a beam of gratitude from my heart. I had also moved desks so that when I was at the computer I could look out of the window and connect with nature and that seemed to make all the difference.
Then....it all went pear shaped. Suddenly everyone elses computer was wrong and mine was right! I had the right text on my screen and all the others had pink text...aagh...I was suddenly the plaything of the Gods and I didn't like it. I don't want to be different and stand out. I want to be the same as everyone else and belong. Yet I have an identity that is strong and creates me to spend much of my time alone and I collude in this because it is safe.
Yet I know that soon I am going to have to speak up. What happened here in Britain today was unprecedented in terms of the Bank of England printing money up to the tune of 75 bn pounds. I heard this move being likened to something similar that happened in 1932 to pull the country out of recession. I have real fears about this move, not from an economic point of view because I am not an expert on economics (what's more honest, is that I know nothing about economics) but from the point of view of prolonging the agony of a world in shift. I am also asking what happened to the 34 million of tax payers money that was used to bail out I think it was Northern Rock bank (I haven't checked this as a fact). I have spoken in this blog about the shift of consciousness I see happening as things are put in place to make ready for this shift. I see everything that is happening as part of that shift. My gut feeling and I have to be very careful because I know that words create world. The words I use determine the world I get. There is no 'real' world out there, there is only the world I create with my words so I have to be careful about how I put them together to create meaning.
I am creating this shift of consciousness which is coming to bring about a more self-aware world to be positive in spite of the appearance of it being a catastrophe. To hold onto the reality in spite of appearances is to have power in the midst of turmoil. The shift is bringing about increased self-awareness. If I am to consider this shift in relation to the brain I see it as the evolution of the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. I assert (again I'm not a neuroscientist) that it is the acceleration of this part of the brain that results in greater self-awareness. I am convinced that most if not all spiritual/mystical experiences have a brain component. The experience I had was a brain one in that I didn't see any angelic beings, ascended masters but I felt the energy rise to the brain and descend. As a result I have insights and can understand so clearly the shifts of consciousness which a human undergoes to make it fit to enter the next world....that of the spiritual. This is why the consciousness with events that are happening in the world is being forced to look at life, themselves and the world differently.
This different way of looking is shifting consciousness to the next level. It happens when we look at the familiar in a different way. Not as immediately as the transformation that happens when the consciousness gets caught in a vortex but at a slower more gradual level. But this is painful and there will be casualities. Change is painful.....but without change there is no growth. The old has to go..to make room for the new. New wine cannot be put into old bottles. What determines whether this shift is going to be pleasant or painful.....the choice...not to resist the events that are bringing about the shift of consciousness on a mass scale like we are seeing today.
Yesterday evening I was treated to the most brilliant sunset where the sun was a ball of red suspended in the bluest of skies. I saw this sight and there was nothing in my consciousness just an absorbing connection and an overwhelming love....
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
When overwhelm....is just not funny...
Yesterday, I didn't know my proverbial ass from my elbow I was in so much overwhelm. Even the sight of the sea didn't calm my turbulent mind. I think that had something to do with how cold and bleak it was here yesterday compared to the day before. My overwhelm came when I realised that I have yet to touch my public affairs and law lecture notes. My life and world has become consumed by shorthand. It's a battle between shorthand and me. The anticipation after having had a sentence read out and then having to read it back either out in the class or privately to myself. Our eccentric shorthand teacher has given up looking at my outlines as they resemble the shakiness that is often associated with Parkinsons disease. For some stupid reason I get so nervous. I think it's all about wanting to be in control and in control of shorthand so that it doesn't get the better of me but this only results in it getting the better of me time after time.
What is most frustrating is when I can drill the words I know and then she throws out something that we have to work out the outline for. Aagh...bloody mind blank, panic ensues, have a fleeting idea to go to the loo, steal a look at my colleague but can't make out her outline to copy. I then resign myself to the inevitable of putting down my pen and waiting for her to put the correct outline on the board. I am left with my frustration and a sense of impending doom and the thought.....is it always going to be like this. It is said that at some point it 'clicks' I was told the same with maths and that never clicked.
Yesterday I told the lecturer about being partially sighted and how I struggle with what I call left brain things like computer and logic (shorthand is also logic of a kind, or is this me preparing my defencefor when I fail!). It felt strange saying it because I never said it before. It might have been my imagination but I thought there was a kind of awkward silence, as he gazed down at his sheet of paper which required a cross or a tick. My revelation resulted in the pen suspended above the page without making any contact. After what seemed like an age he suggested I speak to the lecturer who is teaching the design module and see what help is available. I thought I would feel huge relief at this but instead I didn't feel anything.
I was really tired so just did....you guessed it...some more shorthand in the library and then took myself home. Earlier in the day I had called the editor of a mind, body, spirit magazine and asked about the possibility of reviewing my book. I am so grateful for the training I am being given in how to communicate clearly and directly. On the phone call I used one of the distinctions of powerful communication which is 'being of contribution'. I explained how the book would contribute to the magazine. I could tell from her response that she had been listening intently. She gave me the address of the book reviewer for the magazine to send a copy to. Then she gave me the current state of play with regard to magazine publishing. When I also asked her about writing articles she told me that freelancers don't get paid and the only articles they are accepting are one's that advertising can be put against. It appears that the climate is bleak for magazine production. Just today there is the news that ITV are to shed 600 jobs and they attribute the reason to plunging advertising revenue. If this is price that ITV is paying for the decreased advertising revenue, what hope do other publishing houses that rely on advertising to produce their magazine have. This has really brought home to me just how unstable a career in journalism is these days.
Consumed with all these thoughts I went home and posted a copy of my book to go for review. When I checked my email I found an email from the woman who is going to be running the small group on Vortex healing. The email was to let me know that she had found a venue and would be running a 4 week group with no more than 5 people starting next week. For some reason my entire mood changed when I read it. I can't explain the pull to do this work. Since realising for the first time that the experience I had in Devon was that of being drawn into a vortex I have an urgency to understand and experience more. I have never felt so comfortable with labelling the experience as kundalini because I did not experience a lot of the symptoms mostly negative that are associated with the kundalini energy. What feels more honest and authentic is to say that I was drawn up into a vortex of energy. As a result my entire consciousness shifted so that the inner life and what is present at the base of all of our spines has become my consuming interest. I want to be the space that will enable others to have a similar experience and I can only do that if I stop being on the sidelines and go into the action. I don't know what the next 4 weeks beginning on Thursday evening is going to bring but I know the urgency and excitement I feel.
The whole purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the energy that is at the base of the spine. It is powerful, I am clear about that. It needs to have a clear and unobstructed path when it rises. I would assert that it is the presence of the Vortex which clears the way for the kundalini energy to rise safely and naturally. I only write this blog because of that experience. If I didn't have this experience, there would be no blog. Through this blog I want others to begin to speak about similar experiences and not to hide away. A comment was made to me some time ago to the effect of 'lots of people have these experiences but they don't write about them in the way that you have'. For me, this begs the question why? (Harry, if you're still reading this blog I would love to hear from you or anybody else) !I want to change this. To do this I can only lead by example which is what this blog is about.
I am aware that all experiences are subjective which is why I am struggling to have my book widely promoted because it is mostly about my own personal journey but I believe that it has wider significance and application. Before that experience in 1999 I was just someone interested in Buddhism who had studied for many years and gone on some meditation retreats but really didn't have a clue what what I was doing or to what end. All I knew was that I was powerfully drawn to Buddhism. Then out of the blue comes an experience that completely shifts everything so that life is never the same again and without a teacher to guide, this blog is my attempt both to understand the shifts in consciousness for myself and to inspire others.
But beware, the path is not an easy one. Socrates said 'to thine own self be true' and this is the toughest part of the journey. There is a cosmic battle going on within all of us - a battle between the dark and the light. I say a battle, but it really is a game. But that doesn't take away from the pain when the 2 parts of us, that part that wants us to play big and do big things and our identity that wants us to stay small uses the human consciousness as its playground. The tension that this produces is real. But it's also growth and without that tension we are dead....
I'm now going to leave to go home and this is my favourite time of the day. For the next 20 minutes I will be high on a hill and have a clear view of the sea aagh...why aren't I a creative writer. I know what's playing out here it's my obsesson with being restrained and in control of my writing and my refusal to let go and just write. The price that is being paid for this is the blog isn't delivering all of its potential and who I am selling out to by not just writing without restraint are my loyal readers. But don't give up.....there' s always tomorrow!.......
What is most frustrating is when I can drill the words I know and then she throws out something that we have to work out the outline for. Aagh...bloody mind blank, panic ensues, have a fleeting idea to go to the loo, steal a look at my colleague but can't make out her outline to copy. I then resign myself to the inevitable of putting down my pen and waiting for her to put the correct outline on the board. I am left with my frustration and a sense of impending doom and the thought.....is it always going to be like this. It is said that at some point it 'clicks' I was told the same with maths and that never clicked.
Yesterday I told the lecturer about being partially sighted and how I struggle with what I call left brain things like computer and logic (shorthand is also logic of a kind, or is this me preparing my defencefor when I fail!). It felt strange saying it because I never said it before. It might have been my imagination but I thought there was a kind of awkward silence, as he gazed down at his sheet of paper which required a cross or a tick. My revelation resulted in the pen suspended above the page without making any contact. After what seemed like an age he suggested I speak to the lecturer who is teaching the design module and see what help is available. I thought I would feel huge relief at this but instead I didn't feel anything.
I was really tired so just did....you guessed it...some more shorthand in the library and then took myself home. Earlier in the day I had called the editor of a mind, body, spirit magazine and asked about the possibility of reviewing my book. I am so grateful for the training I am being given in how to communicate clearly and directly. On the phone call I used one of the distinctions of powerful communication which is 'being of contribution'. I explained how the book would contribute to the magazine. I could tell from her response that she had been listening intently. She gave me the address of the book reviewer for the magazine to send a copy to. Then she gave me the current state of play with regard to magazine publishing. When I also asked her about writing articles she told me that freelancers don't get paid and the only articles they are accepting are one's that advertising can be put against. It appears that the climate is bleak for magazine production. Just today there is the news that ITV are to shed 600 jobs and they attribute the reason to plunging advertising revenue. If this is price that ITV is paying for the decreased advertising revenue, what hope do other publishing houses that rely on advertising to produce their magazine have. This has really brought home to me just how unstable a career in journalism is these days.
Consumed with all these thoughts I went home and posted a copy of my book to go for review. When I checked my email I found an email from the woman who is going to be running the small group on Vortex healing. The email was to let me know that she had found a venue and would be running a 4 week group with no more than 5 people starting next week. For some reason my entire mood changed when I read it. I can't explain the pull to do this work. Since realising for the first time that the experience I had in Devon was that of being drawn into a vortex I have an urgency to understand and experience more. I have never felt so comfortable with labelling the experience as kundalini because I did not experience a lot of the symptoms mostly negative that are associated with the kundalini energy. What feels more honest and authentic is to say that I was drawn up into a vortex of energy. As a result my entire consciousness shifted so that the inner life and what is present at the base of all of our spines has become my consuming interest. I want to be the space that will enable others to have a similar experience and I can only do that if I stop being on the sidelines and go into the action. I don't know what the next 4 weeks beginning on Thursday evening is going to bring but I know the urgency and excitement I feel.
The whole purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the energy that is at the base of the spine. It is powerful, I am clear about that. It needs to have a clear and unobstructed path when it rises. I would assert that it is the presence of the Vortex which clears the way for the kundalini energy to rise safely and naturally. I only write this blog because of that experience. If I didn't have this experience, there would be no blog. Through this blog I want others to begin to speak about similar experiences and not to hide away. A comment was made to me some time ago to the effect of 'lots of people have these experiences but they don't write about them in the way that you have'. For me, this begs the question why? (Harry, if you're still reading this blog I would love to hear from you or anybody else) !I want to change this. To do this I can only lead by example which is what this blog is about.
I am aware that all experiences are subjective which is why I am struggling to have my book widely promoted because it is mostly about my own personal journey but I believe that it has wider significance and application. Before that experience in 1999 I was just someone interested in Buddhism who had studied for many years and gone on some meditation retreats but really didn't have a clue what what I was doing or to what end. All I knew was that I was powerfully drawn to Buddhism. Then out of the blue comes an experience that completely shifts everything so that life is never the same again and without a teacher to guide, this blog is my attempt both to understand the shifts in consciousness for myself and to inspire others.
But beware, the path is not an easy one. Socrates said 'to thine own self be true' and this is the toughest part of the journey. There is a cosmic battle going on within all of us - a battle between the dark and the light. I say a battle, but it really is a game. But that doesn't take away from the pain when the 2 parts of us, that part that wants us to play big and do big things and our identity that wants us to stay small uses the human consciousness as its playground. The tension that this produces is real. But it's also growth and without that tension we are dead....
I'm now going to leave to go home and this is my favourite time of the day. For the next 20 minutes I will be high on a hill and have a clear view of the sea aagh...why aren't I a creative writer. I know what's playing out here it's my obsesson with being restrained and in control of my writing and my refusal to let go and just write. The price that is being paid for this is the blog isn't delivering all of its potential and who I am selling out to by not just writing without restraint are my loyal readers. But don't give up.....there' s always tomorrow!.......
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