I woke up this morning feeling really excited and happy and for no reason at all. It is my natural state since the veil of fear that I have lived with has gone. I got up and had breakfast and then set off to have coffee with a friend. It is a friend who I used to live with and who was bringing some post for me which I hadn't been able to collect before Christmas. When I lived with her I had always felt vaguely uneasy for no obvious reason but this time when I met her it is like it is with everyone now an ease, lightness, joy and ability to be with whatever is said and to also be straight in terms of me not withholding saying something because of a concern that it will upset. I've also realised that when we withhold something from someone and we rationalise it by saying 'it would only upset them', I assert that this is inauthentic and a pretence. It is hiding the fear that would be triggered for our own safety if we upset another. This is what is really behind 'not being honest for fear of hurting'. In truth it has nothing to do with the other person and is solely about ourselves but this is not a nice thing for human being to recognise never mind to accept. But acceptance is the only way out of the trap.
I came home and opened up all the Christmas cards that I didn't get before Christmas. Among them was a card from the husband of my friend Tracey who died last September. In his handwriting he thanked me for how kind and good I was to Tracey and him through her illness. I couldn't hold back the tears of remorse and regret because the truth was that I wasn't there to support her through her illness. I had moved away and never even given her my new contact details. Sitting holding the card from her husband which he had signed from him and Tracey I felt the most unbearable loneliness for my friend and fresh regret for not having been there. I still really miss her and have found it hard to come to terms with the fact that I am never going to see her again. Another person I often think of who I have written about on this blog is the Swiss mystic, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Manuel Schoch. How much could he teach me now. I am sure that with the fear gone that I would be able to read auras under his teaching. But he too is gone. He went in October 2008 and I still miss him.
Also among the post was a copy of Paradigm Shift and a compliment slip telling me that the issue contained a review of my book 'Journey to Self'. I'm not going to print it here but it is uploaded to both Google books and Amazon.com under reviews. My opinion about the review is that it should stimulate curiosity. So it has been a strange evening going from sadness to a kind of elation. Also among my post were cards from people I had lost touch with giving me their contact details which I am delighted about because I was sad about losing touch. Tracey's death has really made me value my friends and now I can be there for them in ways I could never have been in the past.
I have managed to put a 'subscribe' icon box and I would be grateful if people could submit their email addresses. The idea is to have a newsletter later on in the year which would be fuller and more expanded than what this blog is. I am so lucky in having a good friend who is so web savvy. This has made all the difference...
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Saturday, 9 January 2010
These icy conditions are an ideal opportunity....to practice walking mindfully!..
I must confess that in the last couple of days I have practiced the deepest mindfulness walking meditation. The stakes have been high which is why it has been so focused. Those stakes are to do with my own safety and not breaking a limb while walking. I have been so aware of the heel and toe of each boot as it connects with the earth but the fact that I have been primarily doing this to ensure my own safety means that the power of the awareness is not as great as if what I had at stake was the holy grail of enlightenment. The fear for the safety is real which concentrates attention. Enlightenment for most people is simply a word that has been bandied around. We are aware of the consequences if we slip on the ice and break a bone but as humans we are not aware of the consequences of living a life without achieving a state of awakening or enlightenment (I'm not sure that there's much difference between the two).
I remember once reading somewhere that it is only when a person wants enlightenment as much as a drowning man wants air that there is a possibility of it happening. The trouble is that very few today are willing to want something that badly and want it paradoxically without attachment. It is attachment to anything that kills its beauty and freedom. On the spiritual path it is easy to get attached. The consciousness gets a glimpse of something 'other' and immediately seeks for that experience again. I see this in the posts of one man on Facebook who has obviously undergone a profound experience. There is an attachment in his posts to understanding why it happened to him so that (and this is my opinion it hasn't come from him) he can cause it to happen again. But this is something that can never happen with a spiritual/mystical experience and this is both the beauty and the frustration of such peak experiences as called by Abraham Maslow. They shift the consciousness but unfortunately leave a memory which creates craving and attachment. If as human beings we had no memory then I assert that there would be no suffering. It is the memory of a perceived hurt or injustice and then the feelings of resentment that this creates which keeps the state of human being as like the Buddha said 'in a state of suffering'. Yet I am not so naive as to believe that the world can human beings could function without memory.
Memory is necessary to have a world that works but memory is like the tail wagging the dog. It should consist of a memory of an event not a memory of what we decided that event meant and the story we put on it. It is the story that we put on the things that happen to us in life and not the event itself that causes the suffering. Separate what happens from the story we tell ourselves about what it means and the result is freedom from suffering. I do not agree with conventional therapies for the simple reason that in many cases they simply indulge a persons story about an event that happened and this far from liberating the person from the suffering caused by their story just sucks them in deeper. My commitment from this blog and for everyone I meet is through my way of being and not so much from things I say that people will be able to separate the events that happened to them from the story they told themselves about that event.
If I can give an example. If my friend is late meeting me - she is just late meeting me. My story in the past around this would have been 'she doesn't want to meet me, that is why she is late'. The truth is I don't know why she is late. The only thing I know for definite is that we made a definite time to meet and she is late. If every human being could live life with just this distinction then the level of personal happiness in the world would shoot up. All this is going to take is people seeing this for themselves and sharing it with others - this is causing the transformation of human being from a life of suffering to a life without suffering. The Buddha knew this that is why he said 'I teach only two things suffering and how to be free from suffering'.
I'm looking at my window as I write this and to my absolute amazement it is snowing again here. Everywhere looks so white and pristine and I have now accepted that this ice and frost is not going to stop me from doing anything else that I have given my word to do. I have enough experience to know that honouring my word and being responsible to have my word happen when circumstances are going against me is the way to be the bold leader that I have aspired to be since 1988....
I remember once reading somewhere that it is only when a person wants enlightenment as much as a drowning man wants air that there is a possibility of it happening. The trouble is that very few today are willing to want something that badly and want it paradoxically without attachment. It is attachment to anything that kills its beauty and freedom. On the spiritual path it is easy to get attached. The consciousness gets a glimpse of something 'other' and immediately seeks for that experience again. I see this in the posts of one man on Facebook who has obviously undergone a profound experience. There is an attachment in his posts to understanding why it happened to him so that (and this is my opinion it hasn't come from him) he can cause it to happen again. But this is something that can never happen with a spiritual/mystical experience and this is both the beauty and the frustration of such peak experiences as called by Abraham Maslow. They shift the consciousness but unfortunately leave a memory which creates craving and attachment. If as human beings we had no memory then I assert that there would be no suffering. It is the memory of a perceived hurt or injustice and then the feelings of resentment that this creates which keeps the state of human being as like the Buddha said 'in a state of suffering'. Yet I am not so naive as to believe that the world can human beings could function without memory.
Memory is necessary to have a world that works but memory is like the tail wagging the dog. It should consist of a memory of an event not a memory of what we decided that event meant and the story we put on it. It is the story that we put on the things that happen to us in life and not the event itself that causes the suffering. Separate what happens from the story we tell ourselves about what it means and the result is freedom from suffering. I do not agree with conventional therapies for the simple reason that in many cases they simply indulge a persons story about an event that happened and this far from liberating the person from the suffering caused by their story just sucks them in deeper. My commitment from this blog and for everyone I meet is through my way of being and not so much from things I say that people will be able to separate the events that happened to them from the story they told themselves about that event.
If I can give an example. If my friend is late meeting me - she is just late meeting me. My story in the past around this would have been 'she doesn't want to meet me, that is why she is late'. The truth is I don't know why she is late. The only thing I know for definite is that we made a definite time to meet and she is late. If every human being could live life with just this distinction then the level of personal happiness in the world would shoot up. All this is going to take is people seeing this for themselves and sharing it with others - this is causing the transformation of human being from a life of suffering to a life without suffering. The Buddha knew this that is why he said 'I teach only two things suffering and how to be free from suffering'.
I'm looking at my window as I write this and to my absolute amazement it is snowing again here. Everywhere looks so white and pristine and I have now accepted that this ice and frost is not going to stop me from doing anything else that I have given my word to do. I have enough experience to know that honouring my word and being responsible to have my word happen when circumstances are going against me is the way to be the bold leader that I have aspired to be since 1988....
Thursday, 7 January 2010
When we take the time.....to stop and stare.....
I braved it to come to London yesterday because of a commitment I had given my word to. With my trusty little netbook the train is now a valuable time where I don't get distracted by email and I can dedicate an hour solely to writing. At one point I was writing so intensely but felt an urgent need to look up from the computer and out of the window. The beauty of the site that greeted my eyes took my breath away. My eyes were treated to the beauty of the pristine whiteness of the rolling hills and the snow covered branches of the trees. I was immediately spellbound by the grandeur and awesomeness of nature and it confirmed for me what I have intuited for many years that nature is the form of the Divine. It has to be - what else could be so perfect in its simplicity and also its perceived complexity. The grandeur that I saw humbled me greatly but it also gave me an immense joy and freedom. I often feel these deep feelings of peace, calm, joy and bliss well up from deep within me without there being a concrete reason for them. They just come for no reason.
I arrived in London and went to a cafe where I used to go quite often but haven't been for a while. When I walked in the man there who in the past had never been very friendly had a huge smile for me and asked me where I had been as I hadn't come in for a while. I was both surprised and delighted. I noticed that he had made the cafe bigger and I asked him some questions about how he had done that. Once again I was aware of a complete ease and freedom where before there would have been that nagging unease that I had lived with up to the end of 2009. It is so great to be able to compare and then to appreciate. It reminds me of the necessity of the relative comparable world in order to experience. If everything is happiness then there would be no sadness to contrast it with. If everything is up then there is no down to contrast it with. The relative world is necessary for human beings to experience different states of consciousness. The reason why we resist sadness is because of not knowing how long it is going to last and as the Buddha said human beings are obsessed with obtaining pleasure and avoiding pain but yet pleasure and pain are necessary to experience the richness of life.
I ordered a jacket potato in the cafe and I was so grateful when he brought it to me and I saw how carefully he had done it. I acknowledged this care to him and it brought from him such a wide smile. I must admit to becomming a little alarmed at this stage as to 'why me' for all this care and attention but then I let it go realizing that there is still that element of fear small as it is. I thoroughly enjoyed my jacket and acknowledged him for it and then I left. Just as I was going out through the door he said 'see you again soon'. It is this element of life that makes it so special for me.
I made my way to the commitment I had made which I had been determined to honour and I was speaking to a lady and I said something. She immediately said 'you are not listening to me'. In the past I would have gone into myself beating myself up about being a failure at listening but what it would have been hiding was the fear of the imagined threat that there now was to my safety by her acting in what I would have seen as threatening. With that gone, it was natural for me to lean into her (in the past I would have backed away), apologise authentically and request her to repeat what she had said. I did all this while all the time looking her directly in the eye. Something in the way I did this resonated with her and she gave me a huge smile and repeated what she had said and I said 'right, I understand that now, thank you'. We finished the conversation with freedom and ease and I was left once again so grateful to the forces which act to show me just how far I have come over the last few years.
I walked gingerly back to my hostel where I am staying and even the real fear of falling on a spot of black ice wasn't strong enough to stop the spring in my carefully placed steps....
I arrived in London and went to a cafe where I used to go quite often but haven't been for a while. When I walked in the man there who in the past had never been very friendly had a huge smile for me and asked me where I had been as I hadn't come in for a while. I was both surprised and delighted. I noticed that he had made the cafe bigger and I asked him some questions about how he had done that. Once again I was aware of a complete ease and freedom where before there would have been that nagging unease that I had lived with up to the end of 2009. It is so great to be able to compare and then to appreciate. It reminds me of the necessity of the relative comparable world in order to experience. If everything is happiness then there would be no sadness to contrast it with. If everything is up then there is no down to contrast it with. The relative world is necessary for human beings to experience different states of consciousness. The reason why we resist sadness is because of not knowing how long it is going to last and as the Buddha said human beings are obsessed with obtaining pleasure and avoiding pain but yet pleasure and pain are necessary to experience the richness of life.
I ordered a jacket potato in the cafe and I was so grateful when he brought it to me and I saw how carefully he had done it. I acknowledged this care to him and it brought from him such a wide smile. I must admit to becomming a little alarmed at this stage as to 'why me' for all this care and attention but then I let it go realizing that there is still that element of fear small as it is. I thoroughly enjoyed my jacket and acknowledged him for it and then I left. Just as I was going out through the door he said 'see you again soon'. It is this element of life that makes it so special for me.
I made my way to the commitment I had made which I had been determined to honour and I was speaking to a lady and I said something. She immediately said 'you are not listening to me'. In the past I would have gone into myself beating myself up about being a failure at listening but what it would have been hiding was the fear of the imagined threat that there now was to my safety by her acting in what I would have seen as threatening. With that gone, it was natural for me to lean into her (in the past I would have backed away), apologise authentically and request her to repeat what she had said. I did all this while all the time looking her directly in the eye. Something in the way I did this resonated with her and she gave me a huge smile and repeated what she had said and I said 'right, I understand that now, thank you'. We finished the conversation with freedom and ease and I was left once again so grateful to the forces which act to show me just how far I have come over the last few years.
I walked gingerly back to my hostel where I am staying and even the real fear of falling on a spot of black ice wasn't strong enough to stop the spring in my carefully placed steps....
Humbled....by the great power of nature....
I like many others yesterday was humbled by the great power of nature in terms of not being able to carry out the most carefully laid plans. When we are forced by circumstances beyond our control to change what we had planned to do it can bring up lots of different feelings. It is so useful to examine what came up when we realized that we weren't going to be able to do what we wanted. What was there for you...anger, annoyance, frustration or were you able to accept the circumstances and as the famous saying goes 'turn lemons into lemonade'. I ask these questions not to make any reaction right or wrong but to get an insight into ourselves and how we react when things don't go to plan. This is the what the spiritual path is all about being steady in the face of everything that is thrown at unwavering in not making any situation or event wrong for being the way it is.
I have been incredibly fortunate in all of the weather chaos in that I managed to return from my Christmas holiday without any delays or changes to my schedule. This is just another example of how life is working for me in ways I never dreamed were possible. Another surprising turn of events is that I have always wanted to learn to cook. As I said in another post practical things like being a good housekeeper and learning how to cook were not on my priority list when I was obsessive about the spiritual path and how to make it just as real a dimension as our physical and intellectual, emotional and social dimensions. Practicalities were then to me a waste of valuable time that I could spend reading, studying, writing.
But learning to cook is something that I have committed myself to doing. Where I live at the moment is not ideal and I don't like to do it alone so I couldn't believe when a friend who is on the same training programme as me who has recently bought and moved into her new flat told me that she wanted to set up a cookery course and asked me if I would go around to her flat and we would cook together. This is just amazing. I agreed and last night we cooked a lovely butternut squash soup, scones and fairy cakes. I was so aware when we were doing the scones and fairy cakes of once again being five. But then again I suppose that when we all bake it brings back memories of licking the bowl and the spoon. But for some reason it was very poignant for me last night. I was aware that I didn't have as much interest in the butternut squash soup! even though it was delicious when it was cooked.
So early on in 2010 I am truly creating the life that I love. I have shifted in my way of being and it is so noticeable to me as well as to others. I am now convinced that the default position for human being is fear and that enlightenment is nothing more than the transformation of fear into love. What I don't have yet is the key to that transformation. I am being bold enough to state that up to my profound realization that shifted the ground of my being I was living life from an awakened state now I think that I am pretty close to enlightenment. This is a bold claim but my final thought last night was the insight 'enlightenment is realization of the fundamental fear human beings have of each other' and seeing into the ridiculousness of this. I think Leonardo Da Vinci realized this and this is why Mona Lisa has that enigmatic smile on her face.
And finally I received confirmation from my publisher of the details of the translation of my book 'JourneyToSelf' which I was delighted about. She confirmed: 'You might be interested to know that JOURNEY TO SELF is being translated into both Gujarati and Hindi for sale across India and locally within the UK. The translation is being sponsored by the High Commission of India in London, and being undertaken by Mr. Madhav Bhan at Amita Abbi Prashan'
This is fantastic news because it had all gone very quiet on the translation front. But and this is important to state but I think that readers of this blog will realize the process of getting to where I am now at is like going through the eye of the needle and it takes unwavering courage, trust and above all surrender. It is not a path for everybody but paradoxically it is everyone's path...by virtue of us all being spiritual beings with a human dimension and we think that it is that we are human beings with a spiritual dimension - no, we are spiritual beings with a human dimension and the path of the spiritual is to unconceal the human dimension so that the spiritual can emerge bright..
I have been incredibly fortunate in all of the weather chaos in that I managed to return from my Christmas holiday without any delays or changes to my schedule. This is just another example of how life is working for me in ways I never dreamed were possible. Another surprising turn of events is that I have always wanted to learn to cook. As I said in another post practical things like being a good housekeeper and learning how to cook were not on my priority list when I was obsessive about the spiritual path and how to make it just as real a dimension as our physical and intellectual, emotional and social dimensions. Practicalities were then to me a waste of valuable time that I could spend reading, studying, writing.
But learning to cook is something that I have committed myself to doing. Where I live at the moment is not ideal and I don't like to do it alone so I couldn't believe when a friend who is on the same training programme as me who has recently bought and moved into her new flat told me that she wanted to set up a cookery course and asked me if I would go around to her flat and we would cook together. This is just amazing. I agreed and last night we cooked a lovely butternut squash soup, scones and fairy cakes. I was so aware when we were doing the scones and fairy cakes of once again being five. But then again I suppose that when we all bake it brings back memories of licking the bowl and the spoon. But for some reason it was very poignant for me last night. I was aware that I didn't have as much interest in the butternut squash soup! even though it was delicious when it was cooked.
So early on in 2010 I am truly creating the life that I love. I have shifted in my way of being and it is so noticeable to me as well as to others. I am now convinced that the default position for human being is fear and that enlightenment is nothing more than the transformation of fear into love. What I don't have yet is the key to that transformation. I am being bold enough to state that up to my profound realization that shifted the ground of my being I was living life from an awakened state now I think that I am pretty close to enlightenment. This is a bold claim but my final thought last night was the insight 'enlightenment is realization of the fundamental fear human beings have of each other' and seeing into the ridiculousness of this. I think Leonardo Da Vinci realized this and this is why Mona Lisa has that enigmatic smile on her face.
And finally I received confirmation from my publisher of the details of the translation of my book 'JourneyToSelf' which I was delighted about. She confirmed: 'You might be interested to know that JOURNEY TO SELF is being translated into both Gujarati and Hindi for sale across India and locally within the UK. The translation is being sponsored by the High Commission of India in London, and being undertaken by Mr. Madhav Bhan at Amita Abbi Prashan'
This is fantastic news because it had all gone very quiet on the translation front. But and this is important to state but I think that readers of this blog will realize the process of getting to where I am now at is like going through the eye of the needle and it takes unwavering courage, trust and above all surrender. It is not a path for everybody but paradoxically it is everyone's path...by virtue of us all being spiritual beings with a human dimension and we think that it is that we are human beings with a spiritual dimension - no, we are spiritual beings with a human dimension and the path of the spiritual is to unconceal the human dimension so that the spiritual can emerge bright..
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Love is...the absence of fear.....
I travelled to London yesterday to do an agreement and on the way back there was train disruption due to what is called 'adverse weather conditions'. What this means in truth is that frost and snow is not allowing train services to run as normal. I have a number of options for getting back to Hove so wasn't unduly worried. I heard a woman ask the estimated time of arrival for a train to Hove and thought to myself, that is the person that I am going to sit beside and get a taxi with when we arrive in Brighton if we can't get directly to Hove.
I made my way to the lady and asked her directly about travelling to Hove. This is amazing for me as it is something that I would never have done. I'm getting astute at reading people and speaking anyway. The difference is that in the past I was astute in reading people in that I could intuit who I would find it easy to make conversation with and who I wouldn't and would limit myself to those people who either spoke to me first or who were overtly friendly. This woman neither spoke to me first or was overtly friendly but for the first time in my life I wasn't stopped by the thought that 'she's not very friendly, she's probably not going to want to speak to me'. I was amazed to find that all of my negative self-talk around fear in situations regarding people has totally disappeared. In it's place is deep love and connection.
I guessed from her aloofness that she does something in the field of self-development. In the course of our conversation it turns out that she does but she didn't tell me straight out and I didn't ask straight out. I know that she started her own business just one year ago and it appears to be very successful. On the train I shared with her the phenomenal results that I am getting from the breakthrough education, training and coaching I am doing at present and she was interested. It was then natural for me to invite her to an evening to hear about it and how it could take her business to the next level. In the past I would never ever have extended an invitation to someone I had firstly met on a train and secondly wasn't the friendliest woman in the world. But without fear it just seemed such a natural thing to do. I invited her, she wasn't sure but gave me an email address for me to contact her. I was elated that I had invited her and it really doesn't matter if she can make it or not on Monday night. I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of and I finally see that this is what this training is all about - going beyond where we are usually stopped and as a result having a profound realization that the only thing that stops us from going after everything we want is ourselves. Nothing else, there are no forces 'out there'. Everytime I have been stopped from doing something it has been because of a decision I have made in the past that is hidden from my view and is impacting my future. It is impacting my future because that decision that should be in the past, is not in the past, it is sitting out there in my future and comes at me every time I am in a similar situation to a past situation. Bit by bit I am taking all of these decisions and putting them back into the past and this is leaving my future with nothing but a blank canvass on which I can create whatever it is I want.
When we got to Brighton we queued up at the taxi rank and it was bitterly cold. Our taxi pulled up and we got in. The lady explained where we wanted to go and then asked for an estimate of the cost. The taxi man was unneccessarily abrupt to her and I didn't understand why. We were driving along and she then said her address was 'the other way'. This incensed him no end to the point that when she gave me her share of the fare she said 'don't give him a tip'. I was a little bemused about all of this. The lady went saying how nice it was to have met me and shared the journey home and I said the same - not because I had felt particularly comfortable because I hadn't but because I had the experience that I can go up and speak to anybody now and how they are will have no effect on me and that is freedom so from that perspective it was a great journey and meeting her was a vital part.
I continued on with the taxi and he started on a rant about the lady who had just got out and at one point I wanted to establish who he was ranting at so I said straight out' are you having a go at me' and he calmed down slightly and said 'no, not you'. In my training I have learned that no matter how anybody is to me that I leave them satisfied, complete, appreciated and respected, so I didn't rush out of the taxi when we got to my home, I listened, then validated his frustration, then thanked him for bringing me home and gave him a tip. He went off smiling and I felt happy.
I let myself into my house and as it was very late went straight to bed. My final few moments were thoughts and feelings of immense gratitude and in that energy I dropped off to sleep. I woke up this morning to the thickest and deepest snow and the most unimaginable disruption to train services. I am so close to becoming a leader and this week was to be the week where I had planned to do many more assignments to ensure that I earn the right to be a leader. It is looking now like at least the one this evening....I will not be able to make happen.....but it's only early morning....
I made my way to the lady and asked her directly about travelling to Hove. This is amazing for me as it is something that I would never have done. I'm getting astute at reading people and speaking anyway. The difference is that in the past I was astute in reading people in that I could intuit who I would find it easy to make conversation with and who I wouldn't and would limit myself to those people who either spoke to me first or who were overtly friendly. This woman neither spoke to me first or was overtly friendly but for the first time in my life I wasn't stopped by the thought that 'she's not very friendly, she's probably not going to want to speak to me'. I was amazed to find that all of my negative self-talk around fear in situations regarding people has totally disappeared. In it's place is deep love and connection.
I guessed from her aloofness that she does something in the field of self-development. In the course of our conversation it turns out that she does but she didn't tell me straight out and I didn't ask straight out. I know that she started her own business just one year ago and it appears to be very successful. On the train I shared with her the phenomenal results that I am getting from the breakthrough education, training and coaching I am doing at present and she was interested. It was then natural for me to invite her to an evening to hear about it and how it could take her business to the next level. In the past I would never ever have extended an invitation to someone I had firstly met on a train and secondly wasn't the friendliest woman in the world. But without fear it just seemed such a natural thing to do. I invited her, she wasn't sure but gave me an email address for me to contact her. I was elated that I had invited her and it really doesn't matter if she can make it or not on Monday night. I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of and I finally see that this is what this training is all about - going beyond where we are usually stopped and as a result having a profound realization that the only thing that stops us from going after everything we want is ourselves. Nothing else, there are no forces 'out there'. Everytime I have been stopped from doing something it has been because of a decision I have made in the past that is hidden from my view and is impacting my future. It is impacting my future because that decision that should be in the past, is not in the past, it is sitting out there in my future and comes at me every time I am in a similar situation to a past situation. Bit by bit I am taking all of these decisions and putting them back into the past and this is leaving my future with nothing but a blank canvass on which I can create whatever it is I want.
When we got to Brighton we queued up at the taxi rank and it was bitterly cold. Our taxi pulled up and we got in. The lady explained where we wanted to go and then asked for an estimate of the cost. The taxi man was unneccessarily abrupt to her and I didn't understand why. We were driving along and she then said her address was 'the other way'. This incensed him no end to the point that when she gave me her share of the fare she said 'don't give him a tip'. I was a little bemused about all of this. The lady went saying how nice it was to have met me and shared the journey home and I said the same - not because I had felt particularly comfortable because I hadn't but because I had the experience that I can go up and speak to anybody now and how they are will have no effect on me and that is freedom so from that perspective it was a great journey and meeting her was a vital part.
I continued on with the taxi and he started on a rant about the lady who had just got out and at one point I wanted to establish who he was ranting at so I said straight out' are you having a go at me' and he calmed down slightly and said 'no, not you'. In my training I have learned that no matter how anybody is to me that I leave them satisfied, complete, appreciated and respected, so I didn't rush out of the taxi when we got to my home, I listened, then validated his frustration, then thanked him for bringing me home and gave him a tip. He went off smiling and I felt happy.
I let myself into my house and as it was very late went straight to bed. My final few moments were thoughts and feelings of immense gratitude and in that energy I dropped off to sleep. I woke up this morning to the thickest and deepest snow and the most unimaginable disruption to train services. I am so close to becoming a leader and this week was to be the week where I had planned to do many more assignments to ensure that I earn the right to be a leader. It is looking now like at least the one this evening....I will not be able to make happen.....but it's only early morning....
Monday, 4 January 2010
Living life....without the film of fear....
Today I met with my good friend Lotus who developed another website for me over the Christmas break. Here is the website: http://www.whatlieswithin.co.uk/. It will give me more scope than my other website which was limited. Not only that it was controlled by Google and at any time could have been taken off. This limited me in how controversial I dared to be! I haven't figured out a way of transferring all of my old blog posts to this new one so for now they will have to stay where they are.
I'm beginning to sound like a parrot but today was a really amazing day. I woke up with such a deep feeling of peace, joy and happiness which is so rare for me the morning after returning from spending some time at home. I woke up feeling satisfied that I had done everything I possibly could have to ensure that my elderly parents had a good Christmas. The only downfall was that I am not as good as cook as my mum and so my mum ended up doing a lot of the cooking but this is something that I am working on for my next trip home. After all cooking is nothing but practice. In the past I was way too spiritual to waste time cooking. All of my time was spent reading spiritual books or else sitting on my sofa thinking spiritual thoughts. As a result the practical side of me has been neglected for a long time.
But at the start of this new year I have found so much energy. I am excited and passionate about what this year is going to bring. I know that I can use the power of this blog to link with other similar blogs as well as other social and networking media. A good friend who I stayed with over Christmas and who I lamented to that after I leave a post nobody follows the thread explained to me that my posts have an intensity which makes it difficult for people to carry on a thread. There was a lesson in that for me to lighten up and not to be so serious and significant if I want to open up conversation about the realness of the spiritual path and spiritual awakening.
I am going to take this advice on board and have these blog posts be light and fun in the way that it used to be. I can do that now because I have absolutely no fear about anything I write. I can see this disappearance of fear everywhere. In the airport yesterday I started up a conversation with the man who was stood beside me in a never ending queue to the departures area. At some points there was a lull in the conversation and after a few minutes either he or me would say something else. I was aware at just how comfortable both the talking and the silence was. In the past I would have felt a kind of anxiety to either keep talking or else not speak at all. This time all that was present was freedom and ease whether he or I were speaking or not.
Today waiting for my friend I looked deeply at everyone in the street. I looked without fear and with the eyes of compassion. Up to now I thought I looked at people with the eyes of compassion but I realise now that when fear is present compassion is not possible. In fact nothing is possible when fear is present. The joke is that the fear is totally irrational yet there is nothing irrational or fictional about the power it has. So many people in my home town said to me that there was something different about me. I looked the same but there was something that was very different. That 'something' is the lightness that emerges when fear disappears or is transformed. I'm not sure which. It feels like it has disappeared rather than transformed.
It is fear that is at play every time we feel the need to protect or defend ourselves, the fear of some imaginary threat which in that moment appears very real. To be able to catch the fear before reacting and realizing that it is only fear which is causing the reaction and to be mindful and hold-off will elevate the consciousness to the degree that is required for spiritual awakening.
I have been asked when I share about this realization whether it is possible to have the self-awareness of a behaviour which is limiting but to take the actions and not be stopped by it. I am sure that many have and do and can conquer it but for me I had to have the event where I made the decision that I wasn't safe around adults to come to my consciousness be remembered and experienced and then disappeared. All of my actions up to that point, while well meaning and good intentioned never brought the desired effect because they were put on top of fear and so were inauthentic.
When I shifted everything around me shifted; but I had to shift first.....I now understand those profound words of Ghandi 'be the change you want to see in the world' . I am going to add something to that which is and yearn for the grace that disappears everything that is in the way of being this change...
I'm beginning to sound like a parrot but today was a really amazing day. I woke up with such a deep feeling of peace, joy and happiness which is so rare for me the morning after returning from spending some time at home. I woke up feeling satisfied that I had done everything I possibly could have to ensure that my elderly parents had a good Christmas. The only downfall was that I am not as good as cook as my mum and so my mum ended up doing a lot of the cooking but this is something that I am working on for my next trip home. After all cooking is nothing but practice. In the past I was way too spiritual to waste time cooking. All of my time was spent reading spiritual books or else sitting on my sofa thinking spiritual thoughts. As a result the practical side of me has been neglected for a long time.
But at the start of this new year I have found so much energy. I am excited and passionate about what this year is going to bring. I know that I can use the power of this blog to link with other similar blogs as well as other social and networking media. A good friend who I stayed with over Christmas and who I lamented to that after I leave a post nobody follows the thread explained to me that my posts have an intensity which makes it difficult for people to carry on a thread. There was a lesson in that for me to lighten up and not to be so serious and significant if I want to open up conversation about the realness of the spiritual path and spiritual awakening.
I am going to take this advice on board and have these blog posts be light and fun in the way that it used to be. I can do that now because I have absolutely no fear about anything I write. I can see this disappearance of fear everywhere. In the airport yesterday I started up a conversation with the man who was stood beside me in a never ending queue to the departures area. At some points there was a lull in the conversation and after a few minutes either he or me would say something else. I was aware at just how comfortable both the talking and the silence was. In the past I would have felt a kind of anxiety to either keep talking or else not speak at all. This time all that was present was freedom and ease whether he or I were speaking or not.
Today waiting for my friend I looked deeply at everyone in the street. I looked without fear and with the eyes of compassion. Up to now I thought I looked at people with the eyes of compassion but I realise now that when fear is present compassion is not possible. In fact nothing is possible when fear is present. The joke is that the fear is totally irrational yet there is nothing irrational or fictional about the power it has. So many people in my home town said to me that there was something different about me. I looked the same but there was something that was very different. That 'something' is the lightness that emerges when fear disappears or is transformed. I'm not sure which. It feels like it has disappeared rather than transformed.
It is fear that is at play every time we feel the need to protect or defend ourselves, the fear of some imaginary threat which in that moment appears very real. To be able to catch the fear before reacting and realizing that it is only fear which is causing the reaction and to be mindful and hold-off will elevate the consciousness to the degree that is required for spiritual awakening.
I have been asked when I share about this realization whether it is possible to have the self-awareness of a behaviour which is limiting but to take the actions and not be stopped by it. I am sure that many have and do and can conquer it but for me I had to have the event where I made the decision that I wasn't safe around adults to come to my consciousness be remembered and experienced and then disappeared. All of my actions up to that point, while well meaning and good intentioned never brought the desired effect because they were put on top of fear and so were inauthentic.
When I shifted everything around me shifted; but I had to shift first.....I now understand those profound words of Ghandi 'be the change you want to see in the world' . I am going to add something to that which is and yearn for the grace that disappears everything that is in the way of being this change...
Sunday, 3 January 2010
My first post of 2010......begins with the deepest gratitude...
I have returned to England after what has been the best Christmas and New Year of my life. Usually I come back feeling bewildered and hurt with a view that I wasn't included by my family. When I look back now it all seems so ridiculous. What was different for me this Christmas was that I had no fear. I had no fear and there was nothing to protect. I believe that it is only when there is no fear that one can truly look at people with the eyes of compassion and see into their souls to the suffering that lies there. I was so aware of this with everyone I met. I listened to them deeply and through that listening was able to connect and relate to everyone in such a way that our house was full of visitors this Christmas.
The highlight for me has to be the acceptance by my family of the training that I am doing and which has given me the breakthroughs that I have written about. I never dreamed that my mum would be speaking about it and interested in its power to transform life for human being. I was so aware of this when I was giving an introduction. It was such a sacred space for me and without any fear present it was a powerful introduction so much so that those people who came to hear me have seeen what is possible for themselves and are thinking and talking about it. They came to tell my mum how brilliant I was! I wasn't brilliant....I am committed that no human being suffers and the training I am doing and what it is giving to me has proven to me that it can make a difference to everyone. In the past I was a bit reluctant to speak and share openly but not anymore. I can't begin to imagine what life would have been like if I wasn't able to unconceal the source of a decision I made when I was young which was giving me a life that I am sure I wouldn't consciously have chosen.
What I saw also is that a strategy decided upon to survive in life while beneficial the first time also acts as a kind of straight jacket as the person gets older. Maybe because I had my insight into how common it is to make a decision about controlling life and then the kind of life that gives that I see control being so strong in most people's lives. The need to control or be in control. When we are young this need for control can drive people to be high achievers and become very successful but the problem is that as the person gets older the control aspect doesn't get weaker and then this causes problems when it comes to trying to control others. When the strategy of needing to 'control' gets adopted and forms part of the identity there is no brake; it develops and deepens in line with the development of the child into adulthood and then old age where it really becomes a problem. The tragedy is that that which serves initially becomes a master at the end and causes so much suffering to human being.
The frustrating thing about it all is how it operates below the level of consciousness. It is only when we put ourselves in some kind of self-development training that these decisions and hence behaviours that were adopted to survive come to the consciousness and can be transformed. It took me being told that 'it was like having a five year old (interesting that, given that was where I stopped mentally and emotionally) in charge of a team' and I was asked to stand down' that I saw how deep my need to control was. It was so strong that at one point I thought that I could be mildly autistic (absolutely barking now I now) but I am trying in my clumsy way to demonstrate a process which I believe that all of us as human beings go through. I saw that my obsessive need for control to the point that I would never consider anothers point of view and I got really upset around change stemmed from a decision I made the first time the universe let me down. At that moment I decided that I had to control life and what came out of that emerged a personality whose life became about being in control of every area of life.
I am so grateful that I had the insight to see this and the act of seeing transformed it to the point that I surrender to life now in every second and every moment. As a result I am very mindful. With mindfulness, comes concentration and with concentration comes insight. The gift I got just before Christmas was the gift of no-fear. While fear is there nothing else is possible. I assert that it is human beings fundamental fear of each other which lies at the heart of why looking good and having to be right are ingrained behaviour patterns of humans. If we didn't fear each other we wouldn't be concerned with looking good or having to be right. The having to be right is a sublte form of control. To admit to not being right is to relinquish control which is to be liberated from human suffering.
I was given a beautiful book for Christmas from my friend Lotus by the Vietnamese Master Thich Nhat Hanh called Peaceful Action, Open Heart which is really beautiful. In it he speaks about looking deeply into everything. This is similar to what I write when I say look beyond the appearance to the essence and in that looking something else emerges. Sometimes I feel so frustrated that I can read all these books and there is no learning for me in them. But what I am always left with is the how....how do I teach others to access this ultimate dimension that is always and ever behind the historical dimension. In the book it says that those who can touch the ultimate dimension for a duty to go and teach but what good is words. All words leave is a frustration for me and those I would attempt to teach to. And yet the book also says 'don't be content to abide in your own peace, joy and bliss' so as I write this I am feeling just a tad stuck.
As I start this new year the two qualities that I assert are essential to live an awakened life are surrender and no-fear. It is an interesting development on my spiritual path. I have written in many blogs about the profound experience I had on a meditation retreat in Southern England in 1999 (or 1998) I honestly can't remember which started me off in earnest on this path. Before that experience it was all theory and concepts. That experience made it all so real to the point that it has now become my life's work - breaking the cycle of suffering and being living proof that the spiritual dimension to all of us as humans is just as important in fact more important than the physical, emotional, mental and intellectual dimension of us as human beings. It is the essence of all of the dimensions though it appears to look differently....
The highlight for me has to be the acceptance by my family of the training that I am doing and which has given me the breakthroughs that I have written about. I never dreamed that my mum would be speaking about it and interested in its power to transform life for human being. I was so aware of this when I was giving an introduction. It was such a sacred space for me and without any fear present it was a powerful introduction so much so that those people who came to hear me have seeen what is possible for themselves and are thinking and talking about it. They came to tell my mum how brilliant I was! I wasn't brilliant....I am committed that no human being suffers and the training I am doing and what it is giving to me has proven to me that it can make a difference to everyone. In the past I was a bit reluctant to speak and share openly but not anymore. I can't begin to imagine what life would have been like if I wasn't able to unconceal the source of a decision I made when I was young which was giving me a life that I am sure I wouldn't consciously have chosen.
What I saw also is that a strategy decided upon to survive in life while beneficial the first time also acts as a kind of straight jacket as the person gets older. Maybe because I had my insight into how common it is to make a decision about controlling life and then the kind of life that gives that I see control being so strong in most people's lives. The need to control or be in control. When we are young this need for control can drive people to be high achievers and become very successful but the problem is that as the person gets older the control aspect doesn't get weaker and then this causes problems when it comes to trying to control others. When the strategy of needing to 'control' gets adopted and forms part of the identity there is no brake; it develops and deepens in line with the development of the child into adulthood and then old age where it really becomes a problem. The tragedy is that that which serves initially becomes a master at the end and causes so much suffering to human being.
The frustrating thing about it all is how it operates below the level of consciousness. It is only when we put ourselves in some kind of self-development training that these decisions and hence behaviours that were adopted to survive come to the consciousness and can be transformed. It took me being told that 'it was like having a five year old (interesting that, given that was where I stopped mentally and emotionally) in charge of a team' and I was asked to stand down' that I saw how deep my need to control was. It was so strong that at one point I thought that I could be mildly autistic (absolutely barking now I now) but I am trying in my clumsy way to demonstrate a process which I believe that all of us as human beings go through. I saw that my obsessive need for control to the point that I would never consider anothers point of view and I got really upset around change stemmed from a decision I made the first time the universe let me down. At that moment I decided that I had to control life and what came out of that emerged a personality whose life became about being in control of every area of life.
I am so grateful that I had the insight to see this and the act of seeing transformed it to the point that I surrender to life now in every second and every moment. As a result I am very mindful. With mindfulness, comes concentration and with concentration comes insight. The gift I got just before Christmas was the gift of no-fear. While fear is there nothing else is possible. I assert that it is human beings fundamental fear of each other which lies at the heart of why looking good and having to be right are ingrained behaviour patterns of humans. If we didn't fear each other we wouldn't be concerned with looking good or having to be right. The having to be right is a sublte form of control. To admit to not being right is to relinquish control which is to be liberated from human suffering.
I was given a beautiful book for Christmas from my friend Lotus by the Vietnamese Master Thich Nhat Hanh called Peaceful Action, Open Heart which is really beautiful. In it he speaks about looking deeply into everything. This is similar to what I write when I say look beyond the appearance to the essence and in that looking something else emerges. Sometimes I feel so frustrated that I can read all these books and there is no learning for me in them. But what I am always left with is the how....how do I teach others to access this ultimate dimension that is always and ever behind the historical dimension. In the book it says that those who can touch the ultimate dimension for a duty to go and teach but what good is words. All words leave is a frustration for me and those I would attempt to teach to. And yet the book also says 'don't be content to abide in your own peace, joy and bliss' so as I write this I am feeling just a tad stuck.
As I start this new year the two qualities that I assert are essential to live an awakened life are surrender and no-fear. It is an interesting development on my spiritual path. I have written in many blogs about the profound experience I had on a meditation retreat in Southern England in 1999 (or 1998) I honestly can't remember which started me off in earnest on this path. Before that experience it was all theory and concepts. That experience made it all so real to the point that it has now become my life's work - breaking the cycle of suffering and being living proof that the spiritual dimension to all of us as humans is just as important in fact more important than the physical, emotional, mental and intellectual dimension of us as human beings. It is the essence of all of the dimensions though it appears to look differently....
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