Monday, 4 January 2010

Living life....without the film of fear....

Today I met with my good friend Lotus who developed another website for me over the Christmas break. Here is the website: It will give me more scope than my other website which was limited. Not only that it was controlled by Google and at any time could have been taken off. This limited me in how controversial I dared to be! I haven't figured out a way of transferring all of my old blog posts to this new one so for now they will have to stay where they are.

I'm beginning to sound like a parrot but today was a really amazing day. I woke up with such a deep feeling of peace, joy and happiness which is so rare for me the morning after returning from spending some time at home. I woke up feeling satisfied that I had done everything I possibly could have to ensure that my elderly parents had a good Christmas. The only downfall was that I am not as good as cook as my mum and so my mum ended up doing a lot of the cooking but this is something that I am working on for my next trip home. After all cooking is nothing but practice. In the past I was way too spiritual to waste time cooking. All of my time was spent reading spiritual books or else sitting on my sofa thinking spiritual thoughts. As a result the practical side of me has been neglected for a long time.

But at the start of this new year I have found so much energy. I am excited and passionate about what this year is going to bring. I know that I can use the power of this blog to link with other similar blogs as well as other social and networking media. A good friend who I stayed with over Christmas and who I lamented to that after I leave a post nobody follows the thread explained to me that my posts have an intensity which makes it difficult for people to carry on a thread. There was a lesson in that for me to lighten up and not to be so serious and significant if I want to open up conversation about the realness of the spiritual path and spiritual awakening.

I am going to take this advice on board and have these blog posts be light and fun in the way that it used to be. I can do that now because I have absolutely no fear about anything I write. I can see this disappearance of fear everywhere. In the airport yesterday I started up a conversation with the man who was stood beside me in a never ending queue to the departures area. At some points there was a lull in the conversation and after a few minutes either he or me would say something else. I was aware at just how comfortable both the talking and the silence was. In the past I would have felt a kind of anxiety to either keep talking or else not speak at all. This time all that was present was freedom and ease whether he or I were speaking or not.

Today waiting for my friend I looked deeply at everyone in the street. I looked without fear and with the eyes of compassion. Up to now I thought I looked at people with the eyes of compassion but I realise now that when fear is present compassion is not possible. In fact nothing is possible when fear is present. The joke is that the fear is totally irrational yet there is nothing irrational or fictional about the power it has. So many people in my home town said to me that there was something different about me. I looked the same but there was something that was very different. That 'something' is the lightness that emerges when fear disappears or is transformed. I'm not sure which. It feels like it has disappeared rather than transformed.

It is fear that is at play every time we feel the need to protect or defend ourselves, the fear of some imaginary threat which in that moment appears very real. To be able to catch the fear before reacting and realizing that it is only fear which is causing the reaction and to be mindful and hold-off will elevate the consciousness to the degree that is required for spiritual awakening.

I have been asked when I share about this realization whether it is possible to have the self-awareness of a behaviour which is limiting but to take the actions and not be stopped by it. I am sure that many have and do and can conquer it but for me I had to have the event where I made the decision that I wasn't safe around adults to come to my consciousness be remembered and experienced and then disappeared. All of my actions up to that point, while well meaning and good intentioned never brought the desired effect because they were put on top of fear and so were inauthentic.

When I shifted everything around me shifted; but I had to shift first.....I now understand those profound words of Ghandi 'be the change you want to see in the world' . I am going to add something to that which is and yearn for the grace that disappears everything that is in the way of being this change...

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