This evening....was a sad evening for me.....

I woke up this morning feeling really excited and happy and for no reason at all. It is my natural state since the veil of fear that I have lived with has gone. I got up and had breakfast and then set off to have coffee with a friend. It is a friend who I used to live with and who was bringing some post for me which I hadn't been able to collect before Christmas. When I lived with her I had always felt vaguely uneasy for no obvious reason but this time when I met her it is like it is with everyone now an ease, lightness, joy and ability to be with whatever is said and to also be straight in terms of me not withholding saying something because of a concern that it will upset. I've also realised that when we withhold something from someone and we rationalise it by saying 'it would only upset them', I assert that this is inauthentic and a pretence. It is hiding the fear that would be triggered for our own safety if we upset another. This is what is really behind 'not being honest for fear of hurting'. In truth it has nothing to do with the other person and is solely about ourselves but this is not a nice thing for human being to recognise never mind to accept. But acceptance is the only way out of the trap.

I came home and opened up all the Christmas cards that I didn't get before Christmas. Among them was a card from the husband of my friend Tracey who died last September. In his handwriting he thanked me for how kind and good I was to Tracey and him through her illness. I couldn't hold back the tears of remorse and regret because the truth was that I wasn't there to support her through her illness. I had moved away and never even given her my new contact details. Sitting holding the card from her husband which he had signed from him and Tracey I felt the most unbearable loneliness for my friend and fresh regret for not having been there. I still really miss her and have found it hard to come to terms with the fact that I am never going to see her again. Another person I often think of who I have written about on this blog is the Swiss mystic, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Manuel Schoch. How much could he teach me now. I am sure that with the fear gone that I would be able to read auras under his teaching. But he too is gone. He went in October 2008 and I still miss him.

Also among the post was a copy of Paradigm Shift and a compliment slip telling me that the issue contained a review of my book 'Journey to Self'. I'm not going to print it here but it is uploaded to both Google books and Amazon.com under reviews. My opinion about the review is that it should stimulate curiosity. So it has been a strange evening going from sadness to a kind of elation. Also among my post were cards from people I had lost touch with giving me their contact details which I am delighted about because I was sad about losing touch. Tracey's death has really made me value my friends and now I can be there for them in ways I could never have been in the past.

I have managed to put a 'subscribe' icon box and I would be grateful if people could submit their email addresses. The idea is to have a newsletter later on in the year which would be fuller and more expanded than what this blog is. I am so lucky in having a good friend who is so web savvy. This has made all the difference...