Went to bed last night so happy and grateful to that benevolent force which made everything flow in the way that it did at the hospital yesterday. To have the same energy and vitality after the operation as I did before is truly amazing. I don't remember it being like this when I had another operation to cauterize some of the sweat glands under my arms to stop excessive perspiration. I can remember then being very groggy and also very low in my mood.
The only difference between that operation and this (apart from the obvious one of them being on different parts of the body) is that for this one I have surrendered my life to that of a higher purpose. This surrender takes the form of complete and total acceptance of things the way they are, as that is the way they are. This surrender and giving up of wanting to control life so that it appears in a certain way results in life having a flow and an ease that is not possible when we are trying to control what is in essence uncontrollable. Once we see that and give up that control and replace it with trust and faith then we become like a rock in a sea. The waves of the sea still come crashing around the rock, surrender does not stop this. But like the rock is consciousness is steady and stable.
I went into that operation yesterday totally surrendered to whatever was going to be and the results have been amazing. I feel I could go back to work but I won't because common sense is required as well as surrender. The fact that I woke up by myself the moment I was wheeled into the recovery room and didn't need to be brought around is proof to me that when we surrender willingly and fully that 'something else' takes over. I I find it so difficult to define what I mean by 'something'. The closest description I can put on it is that it is like a force an energy which sometimes wells up from deep within me. I don't see myself as special for having this because it lies within everyone. Why should I consider myself special when I am exactly the same as everyone else. Perhaps I have a better access to it by my willingness to surrender to something that wants me to be bigger than I am. But the choice to surrender is there for everyone. The act of surrender gives the Divine access to experience life as a human through us. I have written about this before and apart from part 1 of Conversations with God have never come across the idea before.
Now I have just opened a page of the Etty Hillesum diaries and she says exactly the same thing. At this point in her writing she is open about her direct relationship with God. She says on page 240 'I now realise God, how much you have given me. So much that was beautiful and so much that was hard to bear. Yet whenever I showed myself ready to bear it, the hard was directly transformed into the beautiful. I am so grateful to You, God for having chosen my heart , in these times, to experience all the things it has experienced'. It seems to be the rawness and directness which deepens her Divine connection. She's not engaged in any theoretical figuring out. She's not bothered by ideas and beliefs that came before her and will come after her. She is solely concerned with her direct experiences with who she calls God.
For me to write in this way directly referring to God may make powerful reading but would be in authentic and fraudulent for me. There is definitely a Presence, more correctly a force but to me it's not God in the traditional way that God has been interpreted. What is there and is poweful is an energy that lies deep within the body. This energy has no visual component. This is why I can't speak about angels or spirit guides coming to visit me. For me none of this feels right. If I was to be drawn I may think given the similarities in our writing that the spirit of Etty Hillesum is quite close to me. But she has never appeared at the end of my sofa, smiling and telling me what to write. This is the frustration of this blog and possibly for people reading it. I keep constantly in mind that the mind is very clever. If a someone desires enough to see something then the mind will make it happen. Maybe I am over cautious but on the spiritual path one cannot be careful and vigilant enough.
What I will state as fact for me is the energy or force which is within the body. This force when activated gives rise to power and understanding. I want to also stress that I am not in favour of this force being raised intentionally because there are many risks associated with this. The fact that this force exists and will rise when a certain amount of preparatory work to both mind and body has been completed should be enough reason and inspiration to take on the spiritual journey in a conscious way.
The journey is one of awareness and discernment. Yesterday when I returned from hospital I had no pain. Last night the effect of the pain killers wore off and I felt pain. But I was aware that the pain was separate from me. Something was watching me have the pain...what is that? I have pain, I am not pain. I became engrossed in this until the pain of its own essence became too unbearable when I gave in and took a couple of the prescribed tablets. I did this to aid recovery to the body. It is well known that healing is quicker when the body is not in pain. Pain takes up energy in the mind and creates thought forms which may make recovery slower. In everything there is a spiritual lesson if we have the surrender and willingness to see it in this way. Such willingness to view events in this way will never go unrewarded.
I'm writing this blog entry early today because lots of friends are coming around to be with me this evening.
It is also important for me not to come across to people as in any way special and not to be attached to shifts that happen for other people. At one point the woman who was in the bed next to me complained to me of having a headache. I thought to myself 'let me try something'. I trained as a Reiki healer although I am not practicing. My training gave me the knowledge of the pressure points for relieving a headache. I briefly explained and demonstrated these points to her and she followed my example. While she was pressing on the temple points I sent her waves of healing energy. After a while she stopped. I did not ask her whether or not her headache was gone.
I was wheeled out for my operation before her and when she came back and was being brought around she immediately complained of gastric pain. The nurses sorted this out for her and after a bit she said to me. 'Do you know, that I don't have a headache anymore, I tried your trick but that didn't work, but now I have no headache and it was quite a thumping one'. I said how glad I was and didn't pursue her assertion that the Reiki had not worked (to do so would only be my ego working). I know that this is open to a debate. It is possible that now the operation was over, the stress was gone and so also was her headache. I quite accept that.
For me though the magic and mystery comes when we are willing to surrender to the possibility that perhaps the healing came from another source. For a few minutes that lady put her trust in me and was willling to try something that was suggested. This surrender and willingness not to me but to a process perhaps resulted in the disappearance of the headache. I must stress again the difference in how events in life are interpreted when you commit to following a spiritual path. Things like co-incidences just don't figure. There is a plan for everything and everything has a plan and to fight against it and try to control it only leads to suffering.
For me surrender to the Divine is the same thing. First comes the mental surrender. Usually when there is an experience which shifts the conscioiusness from the outer material to the inner spiritual. Later this may be followed by a physical surrender. All of the great mystical/spiritual writings speak about the importance of surrender. The surrender of the ego personality to the Soul.
I'm going now to hobble into my kitchen and microwave some pasta that a good friend cooked for me last night......
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Monday, 17 September 2007
It's all over......and I'm alright...
I knew that this morning above all mornings it would be important to keep my word and get up early to meditate. The meditation this morning was in acceptance of everything and anything that was going to happen at the hospital and during and after the operation.
I meditated for 45 mins at 4.30am. Then I got a mad fit to clean my windows so that when I am lying on my sofa the view of the trees and sky would be crystal clear. Polishing windows when it's dark outside is not brightest of things to do because it's not possible to see all the smears but it was a gesture on my part.
My good friend called for me at 7am to go the hospital. He's been a friend since we were children. It is said that if you make one good friend in this lifetime that it is a rare and special jewel. I have that jewel in this friend. He is the first person I think of to share both good and bad news. He dropped me off at the hospital and that walk down the deserted corridor to the theatre reception was long and lonely. Once in the theatre waiting room I got chatting to another woman who was having the same operation. In spite of knowing that this is the right thing for me I felt quite shaky. It is the same kind of shaking that seems to be happening since the car accident.
A procession of people came into see me, blood pressure, questions about my health etc.
When I had put on my ever so fashionable hospital gown and the nurse pulled back the curtains I was delighted to see that my bed was opposit windows that had a view of trees and the sky. Once again I got lost in the beauty of the changing colours of the leaves. A friend many years ago gave me a tip for when I am feeling in any way anxious or stressful. This is to wrap the thumb and first finger around each finger of the opposite hand and hold that finger until the breath and the pulse which you can feel through the finger become synchronised. If it happens that it's not possible to feel the pulse through the finger, just hold the finger for a couple of minutes and move into the next finger. When the fingers of one hand have been done, then change to the other.
I was wheeled into the theatre for my operation at 11.30am and was back in the ward at 12.30pm. I came around from the general anaesthetic very quickly and since coming home I have been not at all tired or groggy. I am sure that the preparation in terms of connecting with the trees and being calm and relaxed played a huge factor. I went to bed for a little while after coming home and to my amazement the shaking and trembling of my body began again. What is this force that is definitely within the body and what does it mean when it shakes in this way. I don't know but I do trust that it is benevolent and in that trust and faith there is no fear.
There is a lot more to write but it's late and I know that I have to sleep in order to give the respect to my body that it deserves for seeing me through this operation safely today.
I will write a longer blog tomorrow........
I meditated for 45 mins at 4.30am. Then I got a mad fit to clean my windows so that when I am lying on my sofa the view of the trees and sky would be crystal clear. Polishing windows when it's dark outside is not brightest of things to do because it's not possible to see all the smears but it was a gesture on my part.
My good friend called for me at 7am to go the hospital. He's been a friend since we were children. It is said that if you make one good friend in this lifetime that it is a rare and special jewel. I have that jewel in this friend. He is the first person I think of to share both good and bad news. He dropped me off at the hospital and that walk down the deserted corridor to the theatre reception was long and lonely. Once in the theatre waiting room I got chatting to another woman who was having the same operation. In spite of knowing that this is the right thing for me I felt quite shaky. It is the same kind of shaking that seems to be happening since the car accident.
A procession of people came into see me, blood pressure, questions about my health etc.
When I had put on my ever so fashionable hospital gown and the nurse pulled back the curtains I was delighted to see that my bed was opposit windows that had a view of trees and the sky. Once again I got lost in the beauty of the changing colours of the leaves. A friend many years ago gave me a tip for when I am feeling in any way anxious or stressful. This is to wrap the thumb and first finger around each finger of the opposite hand and hold that finger until the breath and the pulse which you can feel through the finger become synchronised. If it happens that it's not possible to feel the pulse through the finger, just hold the finger for a couple of minutes and move into the next finger. When the fingers of one hand have been done, then change to the other.
I was wheeled into the theatre for my operation at 11.30am and was back in the ward at 12.30pm. I came around from the general anaesthetic very quickly and since coming home I have been not at all tired or groggy. I am sure that the preparation in terms of connecting with the trees and being calm and relaxed played a huge factor. I went to bed for a little while after coming home and to my amazement the shaking and trembling of my body began again. What is this force that is definitely within the body and what does it mean when it shakes in this way. I don't know but I do trust that it is benevolent and in that trust and faith there is no fear.
There is a lot more to write but it's late and I know that I have to sleep in order to give the respect to my body that it deserves for seeing me through this operation safely today.
I will write a longer blog tomorrow........
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Not long to go now......Monday morning two functioning legs, Monday evening, One
Today started well when I jumped out of bed the minute my alarm went. I lit a candle and sat down on my stool to meditate. It doesn't get any easier. My mind flits from one technique to another and to watch it is quite fascinating but also frustrating. I was aware of the time and of how slowly it seemed to go by but I disciplined myself to sit there until the 45 mins was up. I don't know what the benefit to me is when my mind is as restless and full of thoughts as it is.
I can see these thoughts as they come and go, but so what. It doesn't stop them or give me the state of absorption whereby there is no separation and everything is One. But I trust that this is the practice. To sit and accept whatever comes as being exactly right. It has always been the same with me. I can quite happily walk outside in a walking meditation. Picking one foot up and then putting it down ever so gently on the earth. In fact I love this form of meditation. That moment of impact when my foot connects with the earth is an incredibly important and powerful moment. It is when I become grounded with the earth that sustains and nourishes me.
I finished meditating and got ready to go to the gym to my usual Sunday class. Where in the past I was looking forward to the gym and seeing this guy knowing that my fantasy is stronger than the reality means that I'm a bit in dread of it this morning. Arrived at the class and he walked in with a big smile. That reassured me that whatever damage my men guards did last Sunday it wasn't lasting. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and gave it everything I had. I will really miss it over the next few months.
I stayed for coffee this week with some of the people from the class and he joined us. We had a good conversation. I told them that I was having an operation tomorrow and wouldn't be around for the next three months. For a few minutes I was the centre of attention and when I was asked for my telephone number to keep in touch he put it in his mobile...yippee!. a result....my men guards were a bit slow this time.
I'm aware that I have been restless today. It is probably the thought of the operation tomorrow. Even though I feel in a good space for it. I've prepared as well as I can and it feels right for me to have it. I didn't manage to get the wireless router working (n0 surprise there then!). I have committed to writing this blog every evening but if there is no entry for tomorrow then that will be the reason. But I intend for there to be something no matter how short.
I was thinking today about the panic which has been caused in London by the mortgage company Northern Rock approaching the Bank of England for a loan. Nothing will strike more fear into the hearts than the threat of losing hard earned money. But it is not the money by itself but what it means to people which is threatened. For some money may mean success, power, having made it; for others it may mean independence. Money is never money for money's sake. It is often a way of defining the personality. It is mostly a tool used by the ego personality to define self-worth. It is precisely at times like this that it is important to hold one's nerve and not to be drawn into mass panic. To think and carefully consider the facts before pannicking and possibly over-reacting. The ego personality tends to act on instinct, the fight or flight response which is a throw back from more primitive times. I feel that coming up to 2012 there are going to be many more wobbles like this. Those who can keep their nerve will emerge stronger as a result.
I'll sign off for now...because tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to write this blog tomorrow evening but if I don't I will make up for it on Tuesday.....
I can see these thoughts as they come and go, but so what. It doesn't stop them or give me the state of absorption whereby there is no separation and everything is One. But I trust that this is the practice. To sit and accept whatever comes as being exactly right. It has always been the same with me. I can quite happily walk outside in a walking meditation. Picking one foot up and then putting it down ever so gently on the earth. In fact I love this form of meditation. That moment of impact when my foot connects with the earth is an incredibly important and powerful moment. It is when I become grounded with the earth that sustains and nourishes me.
I finished meditating and got ready to go to the gym to my usual Sunday class. Where in the past I was looking forward to the gym and seeing this guy knowing that my fantasy is stronger than the reality means that I'm a bit in dread of it this morning. Arrived at the class and he walked in with a big smile. That reassured me that whatever damage my men guards did last Sunday it wasn't lasting. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and gave it everything I had. I will really miss it over the next few months.
I stayed for coffee this week with some of the people from the class and he joined us. We had a good conversation. I told them that I was having an operation tomorrow and wouldn't be around for the next three months. For a few minutes I was the centre of attention and when I was asked for my telephone number to keep in touch he put it in his mobile...yippee!. a result....my men guards were a bit slow this time.
I'm aware that I have been restless today. It is probably the thought of the operation tomorrow. Even though I feel in a good space for it. I've prepared as well as I can and it feels right for me to have it. I didn't manage to get the wireless router working (n0 surprise there then!). I have committed to writing this blog every evening but if there is no entry for tomorrow then that will be the reason. But I intend for there to be something no matter how short.
I was thinking today about the panic which has been caused in London by the mortgage company Northern Rock approaching the Bank of England for a loan. Nothing will strike more fear into the hearts than the threat of losing hard earned money. But it is not the money by itself but what it means to people which is threatened. For some money may mean success, power, having made it; for others it may mean independence. Money is never money for money's sake. It is often a way of defining the personality. It is mostly a tool used by the ego personality to define self-worth. It is precisely at times like this that it is important to hold one's nerve and not to be drawn into mass panic. To think and carefully consider the facts before pannicking and possibly over-reacting. The ego personality tends to act on instinct, the fight or flight response which is a throw back from more primitive times. I feel that coming up to 2012 there are going to be many more wobbles like this. Those who can keep their nerve will emerge stronger as a result.
I'll sign off for now...because tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to write this blog tomorrow evening but if I don't I will make up for it on Tuesday.....
Saturday, 15 September 2007
My street is having a party!
When I went to bed last night I had another episode of my body shaking. This first started at a Reiki session I had in April and was quite intense. Then it stopped and began happening again when I had my car accident. It is part of my commitment to the spiritual path to interpret everything that happens to me within this context. I am not afraid of the inner energies. They have been well written about. Madame Blavatsky in her books 'The Secret Doctrine referred to them as the powers inherent in man. So I have a context or container for these experiences. Fear comes when there is an experience without having an understanding of the possible meaning.
Many years ago when I was walking on a street in London I was hit across the face. There did not seem to be a reason because my bag wasn't grabbed. I was hit for the sake of it. Because I couldn't give the experience a meaning it disturbed me more. If my bag had been grabbed and the guy had run off then I would have had a context that said 'I was mugged'. But in this case my bag was left intact. This unnerved me more than if my bag had been stolen. It is the same thing with experiences on the spiritual path. Great minds have written about the massive power which is contained within all of us. Occasionally I get access to this or more correctly it gets access to me and because I have a context I connect totally with the experience with faith and without fear. The faith comes from the knowledge that it is experiences like this more than any others that shift the consciousness so that it expands to understand more.
I got up early this morning to put this flat into some kind of order for the people who have said they are going to come to visit me after my operation. My flat is filled with books and little else. I wouldn't win any prizes for my interior decorating. None of that was ever important to me. It seemed more important to read and study than to clean and cook. Occasionally I take a notion and blitz the place but that doesn't happen that often. Sometimes when I go to friends and I see how well matching everything is I feel some envy but then I immediately justify the way my flat is by saying inwardly 'if you wrote like I did you wouldn't have time either to be making things mix and match '. But I recognise that this is just my ego that feels threatened and goes on the defensive.
I went to the gym to my group cycling class. Walking to the gym I felt sadness that this would be the last Saturday morning that I would be attending for three months. This is the period I have been told that I will have to be away from the gym. I intended to give the class everything I had in thanks for the powerful meditations I have had while cycling in these classes. The instructor turned off the lights and most of the class was done in the dark. This was just ideal for me. I lost myself. The separation between me, the bike and cycling which is often there totally disappeared and there was only the cycling and the connection.
Afterwards I went for coffee to say my goodbyes for three months. Everyone was so supportive and all the offers to help out with shopping etc were overwhelming and moving. What I saw was how much people wanted to help out and how much they sparkled when they suggested ways they could help me. This operation has given people an access to the Soul which is what is always acting when we go out of our way to help another. In helping another we forget about ourselves.
After coffee I met up with another friend. I made the mistake of speaking to her about the similarities between the way Etty Hillesum the Dutch mystic writes and myself. I should have known better. It sparked off a tirade at how I read something into everything and that instead of shutting myself away reading books I should go out and get a life. Is she right? What is the point in going out if I feel alone when I'm surrounded by people. I was out last night and couldn't wait to get home. It is difficult to get the balance right. The pull of the spiritual is very strong. Particularly after the first experience. It is this experience that shifts the consciousness from the outer material to the inner spiritual. Or to put it another way from the outer world of form, to the inner world of the formless. It is at this stage that the Witness is so important. It is important to prevent the consciousness becoming unbalanced.
It was such a lovely day in London today. Blue, blue sky. At one point the sun was shining through the yellowist of leaves of one tree which was beside the darkest green leaves of another and the contrast was simply breathtakingly lovely. I went out to PC World to get a gadget that will enable me to use my laptop wirelessly so that I can write when I am laid up for four days in bed next week. I brought them home but my lack of confidence in installing anything of this nature means that they are lying in their pristine boxes. Maybe tomorrow I'll see about installing them.
There's a street party in my road this evening. My street is filled with smug marrieds which is why I'm not out there. But sitting here writing my blog I can hear the music and fun that is going on out in the street. It is a lovely thing for people in the street to do to get to know one another. I know that tomorrow there will be people out on the street talking to each other who normally never do. All of this raises consciousness.
I'm still reading the letters and diaries of Etty Hillesum. At 29 she was such a great writer. It is a tragedy that she was gassed at Auschwitz. She says something on page 239 which has made me think. It was 'So many couples rush off to be married at the last moment, in haste and desperation. I would rather be alone and there for everyone'. It was the last three words which seemed to grip me. I wondered if this is the reason why intimate relationships seem to be so fraught for me. That to commit to another means that I wouldn't be there for everyone. I don't know it just struck me for some reason. It also ties in with the concept of the Bodhissatva. This is a Buddhist concept and refers to someone who refuses to leave the world until everybody is relieved of their suffering. To have a purpose this great, surely means one has to remain alone.
What is also amazing is that she admits to experiencing depression. This is something that takes its hold on me from time to time. I often don't know it but will notice that I will eat more and then hate myself for it. Etty says of her depression 'And another thing: I still believe I have an inner regulator, which warns me every time I take a wrong path by bringing on a 'depression'. If only I remain honest and open with myself and determined enough to become what I must be and to do what my conscience commands then everything will turn out alright' page 237. With Etty as with me there is the awareness of the importance of being honest with oneself. She understood that she had a destiny and surrendered to the possibility that wanted her to be greater than she wanted. This is the challenge of the spiritual to go into depths where a huge part of ourselves does not want to go.
Oh well, looks like the party is over in the street. It's ended early enough and tomorrow everything will be back to normal. I have such a lot of things to do tomorrow to get everything prepared for my operation early Monday morning. Today each time I was inclined to allow the feelings of fear and dread overwhelm I thought of my empowering possibility of fun and freedom and immediately replaced the apprehension with this. A friend called me whose mother had the same operation done and she was practical about the implications which I appreciated. I ended that phone call feeling much happier. It will also be the ideal testing ground for me to see if I can do the thing that I most admired in my godmother when she was alive. This is for people to leave visiting me happier than when they came in to see me. If I can do this then I will be very happy and confident that the Soul is growing stronger than my personality which would be pure self-pity if it had its way.
I'll sign off now because I intend to get up early tomorrow morning to meditate.......what is important is not the failing but the beginning again. We can always begin again...and again...and again....it is this that will determine the ultimate outcome.
Many years ago when I was walking on a street in London I was hit across the face. There did not seem to be a reason because my bag wasn't grabbed. I was hit for the sake of it. Because I couldn't give the experience a meaning it disturbed me more. If my bag had been grabbed and the guy had run off then I would have had a context that said 'I was mugged'. But in this case my bag was left intact. This unnerved me more than if my bag had been stolen. It is the same thing with experiences on the spiritual path. Great minds have written about the massive power which is contained within all of us. Occasionally I get access to this or more correctly it gets access to me and because I have a context I connect totally with the experience with faith and without fear. The faith comes from the knowledge that it is experiences like this more than any others that shift the consciousness so that it expands to understand more.
I got up early this morning to put this flat into some kind of order for the people who have said they are going to come to visit me after my operation. My flat is filled with books and little else. I wouldn't win any prizes for my interior decorating. None of that was ever important to me. It seemed more important to read and study than to clean and cook. Occasionally I take a notion and blitz the place but that doesn't happen that often. Sometimes when I go to friends and I see how well matching everything is I feel some envy but then I immediately justify the way my flat is by saying inwardly 'if you wrote like I did you wouldn't have time either to be making things mix and match '. But I recognise that this is just my ego that feels threatened and goes on the defensive.
I went to the gym to my group cycling class. Walking to the gym I felt sadness that this would be the last Saturday morning that I would be attending for three months. This is the period I have been told that I will have to be away from the gym. I intended to give the class everything I had in thanks for the powerful meditations I have had while cycling in these classes. The instructor turned off the lights and most of the class was done in the dark. This was just ideal for me. I lost myself. The separation between me, the bike and cycling which is often there totally disappeared and there was only the cycling and the connection.
Afterwards I went for coffee to say my goodbyes for three months. Everyone was so supportive and all the offers to help out with shopping etc were overwhelming and moving. What I saw was how much people wanted to help out and how much they sparkled when they suggested ways they could help me. This operation has given people an access to the Soul which is what is always acting when we go out of our way to help another. In helping another we forget about ourselves.
After coffee I met up with another friend. I made the mistake of speaking to her about the similarities between the way Etty Hillesum the Dutch mystic writes and myself. I should have known better. It sparked off a tirade at how I read something into everything and that instead of shutting myself away reading books I should go out and get a life. Is she right? What is the point in going out if I feel alone when I'm surrounded by people. I was out last night and couldn't wait to get home. It is difficult to get the balance right. The pull of the spiritual is very strong. Particularly after the first experience. It is this experience that shifts the consciousness from the outer material to the inner spiritual. Or to put it another way from the outer world of form, to the inner world of the formless. It is at this stage that the Witness is so important. It is important to prevent the consciousness becoming unbalanced.
It was such a lovely day in London today. Blue, blue sky. At one point the sun was shining through the yellowist of leaves of one tree which was beside the darkest green leaves of another and the contrast was simply breathtakingly lovely. I went out to PC World to get a gadget that will enable me to use my laptop wirelessly so that I can write when I am laid up for four days in bed next week. I brought them home but my lack of confidence in installing anything of this nature means that they are lying in their pristine boxes. Maybe tomorrow I'll see about installing them.
There's a street party in my road this evening. My street is filled with smug marrieds which is why I'm not out there. But sitting here writing my blog I can hear the music and fun that is going on out in the street. It is a lovely thing for people in the street to do to get to know one another. I know that tomorrow there will be people out on the street talking to each other who normally never do. All of this raises consciousness.
I'm still reading the letters and diaries of Etty Hillesum. At 29 she was such a great writer. It is a tragedy that she was gassed at Auschwitz. She says something on page 239 which has made me think. It was 'So many couples rush off to be married at the last moment, in haste and desperation. I would rather be alone and there for everyone'. It was the last three words which seemed to grip me. I wondered if this is the reason why intimate relationships seem to be so fraught for me. That to commit to another means that I wouldn't be there for everyone. I don't know it just struck me for some reason. It also ties in with the concept of the Bodhissatva. This is a Buddhist concept and refers to someone who refuses to leave the world until everybody is relieved of their suffering. To have a purpose this great, surely means one has to remain alone.
What is also amazing is that she admits to experiencing depression. This is something that takes its hold on me from time to time. I often don't know it but will notice that I will eat more and then hate myself for it. Etty says of her depression 'And another thing: I still believe I have an inner regulator, which warns me every time I take a wrong path by bringing on a 'depression'. If only I remain honest and open with myself and determined enough to become what I must be and to do what my conscience commands then everything will turn out alright' page 237. With Etty as with me there is the awareness of the importance of being honest with oneself. She understood that she had a destiny and surrendered to the possibility that wanted her to be greater than she wanted. This is the challenge of the spiritual to go into depths where a huge part of ourselves does not want to go.
Oh well, looks like the party is over in the street. It's ended early enough and tomorrow everything will be back to normal. I have such a lot of things to do tomorrow to get everything prepared for my operation early Monday morning. Today each time I was inclined to allow the feelings of fear and dread overwhelm I thought of my empowering possibility of fun and freedom and immediately replaced the apprehension with this. A friend called me whose mother had the same operation done and she was practical about the implications which I appreciated. I ended that phone call feeling much happier. It will also be the ideal testing ground for me to see if I can do the thing that I most admired in my godmother when she was alive. This is for people to leave visiting me happier than when they came in to see me. If I can do this then I will be very happy and confident that the Soul is growing stronger than my personality which would be pure self-pity if it had its way.
I'll sign off now because I intend to get up early tomorrow morning to meditate.......what is important is not the failing but the beginning again. We can always begin again...and again...and again....it is this that will determine the ultimate outcome.
Friday, 14 September 2007
Today was a sad day.....
Back to my old habits in terms of not getting up early to meditate. I set the clock and woke up when it rang. I was awake. But then I climbed back into bed thinking 'I'll meditate in bed this morning, I can do that. I understand the nature of resistance now. Yeah...right...the next thing I knew it was 7.30am! Also how little time resistance takes to reformulate itself into being something more subtle. It won by persuading me that I could meditate in bed. How frustrating is this path. It feels like I go two steps forward to go three back. But I was determined not to give myself a hard time and so I put on some dance music to lift my mood.
I walked to work and as usual. Walking in nature brings such calm and ease to me. Nature is for me like pouring oil on troubled water. I am so relaxed when I'm with nature. When I go home to visit my family in Ireland there is a mountain close to where I live. I often go there and will sit on some stones and look out and the view is as far as the eye can see. There is often nobody there but I never feel alone. In contrast to how I can be in a room filled with people and feel so alone like I did this evening.
I managed to sort everything out at work. It was quite amazing that everything got done in a very calm and organised way. And something I am not usually is calm and organised. There is a risk in giving work over to be covered. The most obvious one is that mistakes will be found. It is OK after one has left but I intend to return even though I know deep down that it is not the right environment for me. Before I saw resistance in a different way I was finding it difficult at work. Everything was a struggle and I lived in fear of being found out. A right brained woman doing a left brain job is bound to be found out sooner or later. I don't structure or organise things like most people do. No two of us work in the same way so the way I managed my committees is not the same as the way another programme manager would.
Even though I am dreading this operation because of how awkward everything is bound to be it seems to be the right thing to be doing because everything is flowing around it. Let's hope that the surgeon's knife is also flowing in the right way on Monday morning.
I came home and changed and went out to a friends leaving party who going to live in the country. The pub where we were to meet was at South Bank which is on the banks of the Thames. It was an absolutely beautiful evening and the lights of London together with the stillness and calmness of the Thames was lovely. I found the restaurant and went in to find my friend. She was there with a mixture of friends from work, her yoga class, old room mates. I knew a couple of people to see and that was it. I went to the bar to buy her a drink and she introduced me to a couple of guys that she worked with. I find first introductions nerve racking. The usual questions came thick and fast, 'what do I do, where do I live, how do I know the girl whose leaving do it was'. I always answer honestly but because I am not brilliant at witty repartee, it all goes a bit flat. My men guards who are sleeping in front of me rob me of every ounce of humour and wit. I didn't mind because I wasn't attracted to them. But then again attraction and me seem to repel each other.
I left and sat with some other people. The conversations were short and varied immensely. There was no decent discussion about anything important. Even the short conversations on yoga weren't stimulating. I tried to use the 'it is the way it is' line of reasoning but that did nothing to still the boredom and also the loneliness because even though I was surrounded by people I felt horribly alone.
After a while I said my apologies and left. Walking back over the bridge to catch the tube I felt a deep pang of loneliness and then the words of another Elvis Presley from his Gospel CD came into my mind. It sounds crazy but I felt like I was being serenaded. The words were 'and He walked with me, and He talked with me, and He told me I was his own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, no-one has ever known'. The words came through so clear and strong. It wasn't as though I was thinking 'what song do I know to cheer me up'. I wasn't thinking anything like this. I was aware of a sudden pang and then the words of this song came through.
I was filled with the deepest contentment and gratitude which once again welled up from deep within. I don't consider myself to be a good saintly person so why are these experiences happening to me. I am so ordinary. What I have always had though is a kind of child like faith in spiritual writings. To be child-like is not the same as childish. Child-like is to see the joy and wonder in every aspect of life, the small as well as the big. It is about being in the present without being caught in either the past or future. It is making time to stop and really attend to things so that they become more than they seem to be. I will give nature as an example of what I mean. When I stop and attend which means become present to the leaves on a tree, it seems like the leaves expand and come out to meet me. When this happens there are no thoughts, there's simply a deep connection.
The fact that I have no visual component to any of these experiences may make it read somewhat limiting but this by far the case. These experiences fill me and nurture me like nothing else. The also result in a depth of wisdom and underststanding. I do not say knowledge because knowledge is of the mind. The connections that are made are made at a Soul level. What I understand is that the connection is there all the time and always but my access to it is sporadic. A permanent connection requires one to be constantly mindful and aware of this connection.
I remember when I was in boarding school. The same priest who gave the distinction between spiritual and religious also said in his sermon that day. He said 'you boarders, each morning you wake up you say, 'good God it's morning', why don't you say 'good morning God'. I don't know whether it was the rhythm that the words made in the sentence but I really took it on. Every morning and evening for years, they were my first words 'good morning God in the morning and good night God at night'. I can't record any results from doing this in terms of anything to keep me doing but I did it all the time. Then one morning I woke up and after I said 'good morning' I had this thought 'who am I to be hassling God like this. I'm assuming He wants to hear from me' and out of the shame of my arrogance I stopped doing this. I felt that just saying good morning and good night was too irreverent. That maybe I should be down on my knees praying for hours which is something I have never done. Stopping this practice this left me feeling empty. At the time I was studying Mahayana Buddhism and I have a white marble Buddha on my shelf. I turned to that instead of God.
Weeks went by and I noticed that when I saw books claiming to have a connection with God I would get angry and think 'how can this person claim this'. This was particularly strong with the Conversations with God books. I thought it was arrogant in the extreme. I have already mentioned the book by Eileen Caddy called 'God spoke to me'. I guess what lay behind it was that I didn't want to believe that He would talk to others and not to me'. It's funny but I never felt that towards the book 'Mister God this is Anna'. There is something about the simplicity and directness of the title of that book that open and honest.
At this time I worked for Alternatives in London on their book stall as a volunteer every Monday night. The book Conversations with God was there. I would look at it each week with always the same thought towards the author 'how can you be so arrogant'. One week the director came over to the book stall, he picked up Conversations with God book 1 and said to me. 'Have you read this'. I replied 'every week I come here and look at that book, I am drawn to it but also think that it's an incredibly arrogant title'. He then picked up the book gave it to me me and 'said here you are it's a present'. This was amazing because in all the time I worked there that had never happened. I thanked him and brought it downstairs for safe keeping.
I began reading it going home on the tube when the evening had finished. It was gripping stuff. Contained in those pages are all the mysteries of life recorded so simply. But it was on page 60 where I found the message for me in the book. It says 'Think you that God cannot laugh? Do you imagine that God does not enjoy a good joke? Is it your knowing that God is without humour? I tell you, God invented humour. Must you speak in hushed tones when you speak to Me?. It goes on some more like this but the message to me in these lines was clear. Being irreverent is not displeasing to God. I find sometimes when I am reading that lines or words if they have a special message will resonate loudly in my mind when I read them. I will also remember these words. This takes some awareness to pick out from everything that is written words that act as catalysts for our own journey.
The fact that I don't have a teacher or guru means that I am particularly alert and watchful for messages that come for me from the universe. The three main drivers for me on this path are my inner voice, people and books. I don't have a teacher because many years I was involved with what I now would say was a sect. It was a branch of Buddhism which was said to have originated in Japan called Mushindokai. I joined this firstly for Yoga and Kempo which is Chinese kick boxing and then for Buddhism. I knew who the head of the organisation was but I had never met him. One day I was invited to a party where he was going to be. I agreed to go. From the moment I was introduced to him there was something that didn't feel right. To me he was so belittling to the people who sat at his feet. If anyone challenged him he cut them right down. I was confused. This man was head of a Buddhist organisation where was his qualities of wisdom and compassion. To me all he had was a sterile intellect which I wouldn't even call wisdom.
I understand that the job of a teacher or guru is to go head to head with the ego personality and I accept this. But to me it seemed to be a making small and belittling of his students who to me were the most dedicated and conscientious group of people I had ever met. I felt uncomfortable feeling this towards the head of this organisation. It didn't matter how many times we met after that my feelings never changed. I was with this organisation for all of the time I was involved with Mahayana Buddhism which was nine years. During those nine years I left three times. I also began to voice my concern at the lack of Buddhist qualities being shown by this man. This led to me being attacked verbally by the students. The fault being attributed to my over-extended ego.
Eventually I couldn't stand the tension anymore and I left permanently. I heard later that the the organisation had folded due to certain allegations being made against its head. I felt so deeply for those students who had invested so much trust in him and I vowed that I would not have a teacher or guru. I have the answers within me all I need is the access to get them. This thinking has stayed with me. I recognise that there are people who have more wisdom than me and I will go to their lectures. I will listen carefully and humbly but then I will go within and see whether what I have heard fits with either my own experience or backs up what has been written about through the ages. This is way I have progressed on this path.......
I walked to work and as usual. Walking in nature brings such calm and ease to me. Nature is for me like pouring oil on troubled water. I am so relaxed when I'm with nature. When I go home to visit my family in Ireland there is a mountain close to where I live. I often go there and will sit on some stones and look out and the view is as far as the eye can see. There is often nobody there but I never feel alone. In contrast to how I can be in a room filled with people and feel so alone like I did this evening.
I managed to sort everything out at work. It was quite amazing that everything got done in a very calm and organised way. And something I am not usually is calm and organised. There is a risk in giving work over to be covered. The most obvious one is that mistakes will be found. It is OK after one has left but I intend to return even though I know deep down that it is not the right environment for me. Before I saw resistance in a different way I was finding it difficult at work. Everything was a struggle and I lived in fear of being found out. A right brained woman doing a left brain job is bound to be found out sooner or later. I don't structure or organise things like most people do. No two of us work in the same way so the way I managed my committees is not the same as the way another programme manager would.
Even though I am dreading this operation because of how awkward everything is bound to be it seems to be the right thing to be doing because everything is flowing around it. Let's hope that the surgeon's knife is also flowing in the right way on Monday morning.
I came home and changed and went out to a friends leaving party who going to live in the country. The pub where we were to meet was at South Bank which is on the banks of the Thames. It was an absolutely beautiful evening and the lights of London together with the stillness and calmness of the Thames was lovely. I found the restaurant and went in to find my friend. She was there with a mixture of friends from work, her yoga class, old room mates. I knew a couple of people to see and that was it. I went to the bar to buy her a drink and she introduced me to a couple of guys that she worked with. I find first introductions nerve racking. The usual questions came thick and fast, 'what do I do, where do I live, how do I know the girl whose leaving do it was'. I always answer honestly but because I am not brilliant at witty repartee, it all goes a bit flat. My men guards who are sleeping in front of me rob me of every ounce of humour and wit. I didn't mind because I wasn't attracted to them. But then again attraction and me seem to repel each other.
I left and sat with some other people. The conversations were short and varied immensely. There was no decent discussion about anything important. Even the short conversations on yoga weren't stimulating. I tried to use the 'it is the way it is' line of reasoning but that did nothing to still the boredom and also the loneliness because even though I was surrounded by people I felt horribly alone.
After a while I said my apologies and left. Walking back over the bridge to catch the tube I felt a deep pang of loneliness and then the words of another Elvis Presley from his Gospel CD came into my mind. It sounds crazy but I felt like I was being serenaded. The words were 'and He walked with me, and He talked with me, and He told me I was his own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, no-one has ever known'. The words came through so clear and strong. It wasn't as though I was thinking 'what song do I know to cheer me up'. I wasn't thinking anything like this. I was aware of a sudden pang and then the words of this song came through.
I was filled with the deepest contentment and gratitude which once again welled up from deep within. I don't consider myself to be a good saintly person so why are these experiences happening to me. I am so ordinary. What I have always had though is a kind of child like faith in spiritual writings. To be child-like is not the same as childish. Child-like is to see the joy and wonder in every aspect of life, the small as well as the big. It is about being in the present without being caught in either the past or future. It is making time to stop and really attend to things so that they become more than they seem to be. I will give nature as an example of what I mean. When I stop and attend which means become present to the leaves on a tree, it seems like the leaves expand and come out to meet me. When this happens there are no thoughts, there's simply a deep connection.
The fact that I have no visual component to any of these experiences may make it read somewhat limiting but this by far the case. These experiences fill me and nurture me like nothing else. The also result in a depth of wisdom and underststanding. I do not say knowledge because knowledge is of the mind. The connections that are made are made at a Soul level. What I understand is that the connection is there all the time and always but my access to it is sporadic. A permanent connection requires one to be constantly mindful and aware of this connection.
I remember when I was in boarding school. The same priest who gave the distinction between spiritual and religious also said in his sermon that day. He said 'you boarders, each morning you wake up you say, 'good God it's morning', why don't you say 'good morning God'. I don't know whether it was the rhythm that the words made in the sentence but I really took it on. Every morning and evening for years, they were my first words 'good morning God in the morning and good night God at night'. I can't record any results from doing this in terms of anything to keep me doing but I did it all the time. Then one morning I woke up and after I said 'good morning' I had this thought 'who am I to be hassling God like this. I'm assuming He wants to hear from me' and out of the shame of my arrogance I stopped doing this. I felt that just saying good morning and good night was too irreverent. That maybe I should be down on my knees praying for hours which is something I have never done. Stopping this practice this left me feeling empty. At the time I was studying Mahayana Buddhism and I have a white marble Buddha on my shelf. I turned to that instead of God.
Weeks went by and I noticed that when I saw books claiming to have a connection with God I would get angry and think 'how can this person claim this'. This was particularly strong with the Conversations with God books. I thought it was arrogant in the extreme. I have already mentioned the book by Eileen Caddy called 'God spoke to me'. I guess what lay behind it was that I didn't want to believe that He would talk to others and not to me'. It's funny but I never felt that towards the book 'Mister God this is Anna'. There is something about the simplicity and directness of the title of that book that open and honest.
At this time I worked for Alternatives in London on their book stall as a volunteer every Monday night. The book Conversations with God was there. I would look at it each week with always the same thought towards the author 'how can you be so arrogant'. One week the director came over to the book stall, he picked up Conversations with God book 1 and said to me. 'Have you read this'. I replied 'every week I come here and look at that book, I am drawn to it but also think that it's an incredibly arrogant title'. He then picked up the book gave it to me me and 'said here you are it's a present'. This was amazing because in all the time I worked there that had never happened. I thanked him and brought it downstairs for safe keeping.
I began reading it going home on the tube when the evening had finished. It was gripping stuff. Contained in those pages are all the mysteries of life recorded so simply. But it was on page 60 where I found the message for me in the book. It says 'Think you that God cannot laugh? Do you imagine that God does not enjoy a good joke? Is it your knowing that God is without humour? I tell you, God invented humour. Must you speak in hushed tones when you speak to Me?. It goes on some more like this but the message to me in these lines was clear. Being irreverent is not displeasing to God. I find sometimes when I am reading that lines or words if they have a special message will resonate loudly in my mind when I read them. I will also remember these words. This takes some awareness to pick out from everything that is written words that act as catalysts for our own journey.
The fact that I don't have a teacher or guru means that I am particularly alert and watchful for messages that come for me from the universe. The three main drivers for me on this path are my inner voice, people and books. I don't have a teacher because many years I was involved with what I now would say was a sect. It was a branch of Buddhism which was said to have originated in Japan called Mushindokai. I joined this firstly for Yoga and Kempo which is Chinese kick boxing and then for Buddhism. I knew who the head of the organisation was but I had never met him. One day I was invited to a party where he was going to be. I agreed to go. From the moment I was introduced to him there was something that didn't feel right. To me he was so belittling to the people who sat at his feet. If anyone challenged him he cut them right down. I was confused. This man was head of a Buddhist organisation where was his qualities of wisdom and compassion. To me all he had was a sterile intellect which I wouldn't even call wisdom.
I understand that the job of a teacher or guru is to go head to head with the ego personality and I accept this. But to me it seemed to be a making small and belittling of his students who to me were the most dedicated and conscientious group of people I had ever met. I felt uncomfortable feeling this towards the head of this organisation. It didn't matter how many times we met after that my feelings never changed. I was with this organisation for all of the time I was involved with Mahayana Buddhism which was nine years. During those nine years I left three times. I also began to voice my concern at the lack of Buddhist qualities being shown by this man. This led to me being attacked verbally by the students. The fault being attributed to my over-extended ego.
Eventually I couldn't stand the tension anymore and I left permanently. I heard later that the the organisation had folded due to certain allegations being made against its head. I felt so deeply for those students who had invested so much trust in him and I vowed that I would not have a teacher or guru. I have the answers within me all I need is the access to get them. This thinking has stayed with me. I recognise that there are people who have more wisdom than me and I will go to their lectures. I will listen carefully and humbly but then I will go within and see whether what I have heard fits with either my own experience or backs up what has been written about through the ages. This is way I have progressed on this path.......
Thursday, 13 September 2007
I work with the best people...
Today was a day spent handing over my work to colleagues who are going to cover for me for the time I am recovering from the operation on my foot. The willingness with which they took it and the concern they have showed to me has deepened my conviction that the Soul is active. Last night I created the possibility of fun and freedom around the operation and life afterwards. I realised that my way of being before I created this possibility was inauthentic. It was a way that was based on voicing fear and uncertainty. It was not truth, but aimed solely to get sympathy from others and for them to reassure me.
The truth is that I don't want this reassurance but I pretended I did. When I saw this there was no beating myself up just the thought 'OK so that's what I was doing, now give it up and create something authentic and powerful'. That's when I created a way of being for myself that is fun and freedom for the next couple of months. When we own our pretence and give it up, then in the space created and the energy that is freed up much more is possible. It takes a lot of digging though to get to this point. I genuinely thought that I was afraid and uncertain but when I examined it and looked at it honestly, I'm not. I acted like this to get the attention and sympathy of others and it is that pretence that had to be given up to enable something greater and more powerful to arise.
This morning I did what I said I would do which was to get up when the mobile alarm went and meditate. What I wrote about the So'ham meditation in my last blog entry was the first thing that came into my mind. I decided to meditate on that. There is something powerful about saying words the mind doesn't understand the meaning of. I wish I could record great explosions of colour or unique insights, the truth is that I can't. I experienced some of the usual frustrations until I heard those authoritative words 'just sit' and that's what I did for 45 mins. It is difficult to explain the nature of this voice. I remember once speaking about this to a psychologist and the more I spoke the more confused he looked until I said about my 'inner voice'. He then sat bolt upright and said eagerly to me 'you hear voices'. I laughed and said 'not like that'. I knew exactly what he was getting at. On hearing this he slumped back dejectedly against his seat.
Eileen Caddy who co-founded the Findhorn community in Scotland claimed to receive guidance from an 'inner voice'. She even wrote a book called 'God spoke to me'. This is a collection of short essays that she claimed to receive through this inner voice. Her inner voice seemed to be a writer, mine is not that free flowing. Maybe that's my rational mind under the influence of my ego personality, not being willing to give up control and write from the formless realm. Sometimes I do but I am aware that it is not often enough. I think what happens is that I read over what I have written and think 'where did that come from, I didn't know that I knew that' and that can be quite scary. Yet deep down I did know it. If I didn't know it I couldn't have written it. It is the perennial wisdom that we all have within us. It is the wisdom of the ages and it lies burried waiting to be re-discovered.
I worked late again tonight and walking home I caught the sunlight in between the leaves and the bark of a tree. I have never seen anything so beautiful and I took a minute to drink it in. I am convinced that nature is the form of the Divine. Everytime we take the time to attend and appreciate some aspect of nature it is honouring the Divine through nature. Each time I do this I feel so close to what I can only call 'something'. I wish in some ways I had the conviction that Eileen Caddy had that her voice was 'God'. For me that doesn't feel right yet there is 'something'. That something is formless, more of an energy that is within. I am aware that my vocabulary is so limited when it comes to giving form in the shape of words to convey this experience. The experience feels like being wrapped in a warm electric blanket. I can see now that whatever darkness I was in has lifted. Everything seems so much brighter, sharper, luminous even than what it was before.
There are definite dark forces on the spiritual path. Not like the concept of the devil caricatured with horns and holding a pitchfork. But there are forces that do not want the transformation from human to spiritual. The kingdom of the human is characterised by inner conflict. When this inner conflict reaches a crescendo then shift happens. I see the resistance that is inherently part of being human as part of that force. It has power until it is seen and accepted and then it changes its form and is not as powerful. It is still there but the recognition and ownership of it has made it real.
When it is made real and brought into consciousness it no longer dominates from the shadows of the subconscious. It's funny how it seems to be words of songs that come into my mind when I am writing this blog. Into my mind has come the words from Chris de Burghs famous song Spanish Train the words are: 'The Lord and the devil are playing chess, the devil still cheats and wins more souls, and as for the Lord, well he's just doing his best'. I remember when I was a teenager playing this song over and over again. I knew that there was something important burried in it but I didn't know what but the fascination was there.
Now to something totally different.....tomorrow will be a strange day for me. It is my last day at work. I have my operation on Monday morning. I have rarely been sick and so for me to 'sick' for 8 weeks is something completely new. When I return to work my team will have moved floor. The seating allocation will probably be on a first come first served basis so the chances of me finding a desk by the window are probably small. But the layout of the floor is different in that there are no high overhead lockers blocking the view. So it's not as important to have a desk by the window.
I think I'll sign off there for tonight....
The truth is that I don't want this reassurance but I pretended I did. When I saw this there was no beating myself up just the thought 'OK so that's what I was doing, now give it up and create something authentic and powerful'. That's when I created a way of being for myself that is fun and freedom for the next couple of months. When we own our pretence and give it up, then in the space created and the energy that is freed up much more is possible. It takes a lot of digging though to get to this point. I genuinely thought that I was afraid and uncertain but when I examined it and looked at it honestly, I'm not. I acted like this to get the attention and sympathy of others and it is that pretence that had to be given up to enable something greater and more powerful to arise.
This morning I did what I said I would do which was to get up when the mobile alarm went and meditate. What I wrote about the So'ham meditation in my last blog entry was the first thing that came into my mind. I decided to meditate on that. There is something powerful about saying words the mind doesn't understand the meaning of. I wish I could record great explosions of colour or unique insights, the truth is that I can't. I experienced some of the usual frustrations until I heard those authoritative words 'just sit' and that's what I did for 45 mins. It is difficult to explain the nature of this voice. I remember once speaking about this to a psychologist and the more I spoke the more confused he looked until I said about my 'inner voice'. He then sat bolt upright and said eagerly to me 'you hear voices'. I laughed and said 'not like that'. I knew exactly what he was getting at. On hearing this he slumped back dejectedly against his seat.
Eileen Caddy who co-founded the Findhorn community in Scotland claimed to receive guidance from an 'inner voice'. She even wrote a book called 'God spoke to me'. This is a collection of short essays that she claimed to receive through this inner voice. Her inner voice seemed to be a writer, mine is not that free flowing. Maybe that's my rational mind under the influence of my ego personality, not being willing to give up control and write from the formless realm. Sometimes I do but I am aware that it is not often enough. I think what happens is that I read over what I have written and think 'where did that come from, I didn't know that I knew that' and that can be quite scary. Yet deep down I did know it. If I didn't know it I couldn't have written it. It is the perennial wisdom that we all have within us. It is the wisdom of the ages and it lies burried waiting to be re-discovered.
I worked late again tonight and walking home I caught the sunlight in between the leaves and the bark of a tree. I have never seen anything so beautiful and I took a minute to drink it in. I am convinced that nature is the form of the Divine. Everytime we take the time to attend and appreciate some aspect of nature it is honouring the Divine through nature. Each time I do this I feel so close to what I can only call 'something'. I wish in some ways I had the conviction that Eileen Caddy had that her voice was 'God'. For me that doesn't feel right yet there is 'something'. That something is formless, more of an energy that is within. I am aware that my vocabulary is so limited when it comes to giving form in the shape of words to convey this experience. The experience feels like being wrapped in a warm electric blanket. I can see now that whatever darkness I was in has lifted. Everything seems so much brighter, sharper, luminous even than what it was before.
There are definite dark forces on the spiritual path. Not like the concept of the devil caricatured with horns and holding a pitchfork. But there are forces that do not want the transformation from human to spiritual. The kingdom of the human is characterised by inner conflict. When this inner conflict reaches a crescendo then shift happens. I see the resistance that is inherently part of being human as part of that force. It has power until it is seen and accepted and then it changes its form and is not as powerful. It is still there but the recognition and ownership of it has made it real.
When it is made real and brought into consciousness it no longer dominates from the shadows of the subconscious. It's funny how it seems to be words of songs that come into my mind when I am writing this blog. Into my mind has come the words from Chris de Burghs famous song Spanish Train the words are: 'The Lord and the devil are playing chess, the devil still cheats and wins more souls, and as for the Lord, well he's just doing his best'. I remember when I was a teenager playing this song over and over again. I knew that there was something important burried in it but I didn't know what but the fascination was there.
Now to something totally different.....tomorrow will be a strange day for me. It is my last day at work. I have my operation on Monday morning. I have rarely been sick and so for me to 'sick' for 8 weeks is something completely new. When I return to work my team will have moved floor. The seating allocation will probably be on a first come first served basis so the chances of me finding a desk by the window are probably small. But the layout of the floor is different in that there are no high overhead lockers blocking the view. So it's not as important to have a desk by the window.
I think I'll sign off there for tonight....
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Human is to Life....what Divine is to God.....
Woke up to my mobile alarm this morning at 4.30am and without any resistance jumped out of bed. Now I don't know whether the reason I move so fast now is that I don't even want to feel it even though it is natural. I knew that I was going to the gym to my cycle class so I didn't do any meditation. Instead I read some more of the diaries and letters of Etty Hillesum and once again was in awe of her ruthless self-honesty. I saw something more though, I also saw the part that knowing that she was definitely going to die played in the intensity and focus of her writing. The knowledge of impending death is a wonderful focus for the mind and the creative energies.
I got everything ready for the gym and set off. I still don't have a car so I set off walking. There is something so wonderful walking around when everywhere is so still and quiet. To have a whole street to myself, only my footprint making a mark on the pavement. It reminded me of how I feel every New Years Eve. I feel like I am standing at the top of a mountain path that is covered by snow. The snow is pristine and pure. At the end of the year that path will have my footprints. This feels clumsy to write when the picture of what I am trying to convey is so clear in my mind.
I arrived at the gym and there was nobody else there. It was a lovely warm balmy morning and I was struck again by how much I love Autumn. The changing colours of the leaves. They appear to be at their most beautiful just before they die. I was aware that all of these leaves that are breathtaking in their beauty now will have died and been blown away come the middle of winter. This is nature's way. Nature doesn't put up any resistance to the natural cycles why should I or indeed anyone. The life cycle of the human on its evolutionary path to the spiritual also has these cycles and yet for some reason we often rail against them, wishing that they could be something different. But why should this be. Natural laws are just that natural laws that govern everything.
I love these kinds of insights because they come from a very deep place in me. I don't think they are from the mind because there is no debate associated with them. There is only a deep and secure knowing. It is one thing to know something from the mind, quite another to know it from the Soul. I see this journey from human to spiritual as happening in three stages.
The first stage is concerned with what Socrates famously said 'Know thyself' - this is what I do when I analyse every thought, action, reaction I have. It is the discovering of the ego personality. The emphasis is on the 'Know' it doesn't say, resist, change, judge, just 'know'. The empasis on 'THY -SELF' is to indicate that it is individual. It is referring to the personality and comprises the physical body, emotions, feeling and thoughts and ideas, also action. All of this is involved in 'knowing thyself'
The second stage is to do with 'knowing THE Self'. After a certain time spent knowing yourself the energy will shift and there will be some kind of unitary experience which will result in a knowing of THE SELF. This is not an easy stage to write about. The tools for getting to this stage are not as clear cut as for the first stage. But the ability to reach this second stage depends on how deep and thorough the work at the first stage is. Jesus understood this stage when he said 'do onto others as you would like to be done onto you'. He realised that there is no separation between him and others. At the second stage you see the unity that underlies the appearance of separation.
The third stage is 'Know THE ONE' this is the stage if it doesn't sound egotistical that I am working towards. It is the wisdom that is experienced when the Witness that maintains separation has dissolved and there is complete and total absorption in THE ONE. I do not know the form THE ONE has. I don't label it God because for me God is to the Divine what the human is to life.
Let me explain. Human is to life means that we as humans exist through life. Life is the playground for the human. The Divine exists through God. God is an acronym for the process through which the Divine experiences human existence. I spoke in an earlier blog about the Divine creating humans from itself in order to experience. That which creates cannot also experience. So Divine experiences through God. The process is one by which a form is G -Generated - so a form comes into the world, be it a baby or something in nature, next is O - operation - that form has a certain life expectancy and will have a certain number of experiences and then finally D - that form will die. So I will never refer to God in the traditional way beause that is not how it appears to me. The Divine uses G_O_D_to experience life as a human.
The gym class went really well. I thoroughly enjoyed it and said goodbye to everyone. I was struck by the depth of warmth and well wishes for my operation and I left feeling so happy and contented with life. It is only now that I can see how for the last couple of months I have been in a dark place. I tried to convey some of it in some of the blog entries where I spoke about finding thing difficult at work. All that has shifted and I am once again feeling so well able to cope. It seems ironic that now when I feel so full of energy, insights and intuitions that I am going to be forced to slow down and not do much at all for eight weeks. Eight weeks of deepening into the formless realm. Eight weeks without the struture I have said is so important to me for balance. It is going to be an interesting challenge for me.
After the gym I walked to walk and when I got into work I heard the news that the wife of a work colleague had had a baby girl and I was once again in awe of the magical process of creation and of another aspect of the Divine which wants to experience through her coming into the world. I sat down at my desk and the view from my 9th floor window of the trees with their different coloured leaves totally took my breath away. I gave thanks for having the presence to allow it to move me. Then I got on with my day.
It was so busy and while it was much better than many other days it is for me a left brained environment and in spite of what the nueroscientists tell me I consider myself to be a right brained person living in a left brained world. What I write about comes from the right side of the brain. As a result left brained tasks take me longer to do than they do for other people. It's like I can see a document with a number and then 2 hours later the same document by another route will come in and I will think it's a different document and waste time dealing with it. Then I will be annoyed with myself when I discover that it's the same document. I don't have a natural aptitude for figures and spreadsheets and graphs. In fact to be honest my eyes glaze over at the mention of spreadsheets so to be in the job I am does not make any sense. But in the areas of communication and being a team player I am really there and authentic in this.
I worked late trying to get everything sorted for when I am away. Came home and then I had a call from a person from my group at the Landmark seminar. It is quite amazing speaking with people who have been involved with this work for a long time. It was a lady and she has worked with Landmark for over 20 years. She told me that she was in awe of the work they did and I can see this completely. It is an organisation that cares passionately about the transformation of human being and this is something I also care passionately about. I can think of no better purpose to have in life than to be the cause of transformation in another. Nobody can give transformation to another. Each one has to do it for themselves. The work has to be put in each for themselves, there is no way around it. For the stage of 'knowing yourself' nothing will do this quicker and more effectively than the Landmark training.
The other 2 stages will depend on dare I say it...past karma and one's own desire without attachment to achieve this state. As I said Landmark is not a spiritual programme it uncovers the elements of what it means to be human and then transforms them so that they work in a more powerful way. Realising that everything is connected and going to the source of that connection I think is by a different route. But the training is a necessary first step on this path. The ego personality is adept at not allowing into consciousness the level of ruthless self-honesty which is required for the first stage to be passed.
That's about it from me for now....my intention for the rest of the week is to rise early meditate, read and write...let's see how I get on!
I got everything ready for the gym and set off. I still don't have a car so I set off walking. There is something so wonderful walking around when everywhere is so still and quiet. To have a whole street to myself, only my footprint making a mark on the pavement. It reminded me of how I feel every New Years Eve. I feel like I am standing at the top of a mountain path that is covered by snow. The snow is pristine and pure. At the end of the year that path will have my footprints. This feels clumsy to write when the picture of what I am trying to convey is so clear in my mind.
I arrived at the gym and there was nobody else there. It was a lovely warm balmy morning and I was struck again by how much I love Autumn. The changing colours of the leaves. They appear to be at their most beautiful just before they die. I was aware that all of these leaves that are breathtaking in their beauty now will have died and been blown away come the middle of winter. This is nature's way. Nature doesn't put up any resistance to the natural cycles why should I or indeed anyone. The life cycle of the human on its evolutionary path to the spiritual also has these cycles and yet for some reason we often rail against them, wishing that they could be something different. But why should this be. Natural laws are just that natural laws that govern everything.
I love these kinds of insights because they come from a very deep place in me. I don't think they are from the mind because there is no debate associated with them. There is only a deep and secure knowing. It is one thing to know something from the mind, quite another to know it from the Soul. I see this journey from human to spiritual as happening in three stages.
The first stage is concerned with what Socrates famously said 'Know thyself' - this is what I do when I analyse every thought, action, reaction I have. It is the discovering of the ego personality. The emphasis is on the 'Know' it doesn't say, resist, change, judge, just 'know'. The empasis on 'THY -SELF' is to indicate that it is individual. It is referring to the personality and comprises the physical body, emotions, feeling and thoughts and ideas, also action. All of this is involved in 'knowing thyself'
The second stage is to do with 'knowing THE Self'. After a certain time spent knowing yourself the energy will shift and there will be some kind of unitary experience which will result in a knowing of THE SELF. This is not an easy stage to write about. The tools for getting to this stage are not as clear cut as for the first stage. But the ability to reach this second stage depends on how deep and thorough the work at the first stage is. Jesus understood this stage when he said 'do onto others as you would like to be done onto you'. He realised that there is no separation between him and others. At the second stage you see the unity that underlies the appearance of separation.
The third stage is 'Know THE ONE' this is the stage if it doesn't sound egotistical that I am working towards. It is the wisdom that is experienced when the Witness that maintains separation has dissolved and there is complete and total absorption in THE ONE. I do not know the form THE ONE has. I don't label it God because for me God is to the Divine what the human is to life.
Let me explain. Human is to life means that we as humans exist through life. Life is the playground for the human. The Divine exists through God. God is an acronym for the process through which the Divine experiences human existence. I spoke in an earlier blog about the Divine creating humans from itself in order to experience. That which creates cannot also experience. So Divine experiences through God. The process is one by which a form is G -Generated - so a form comes into the world, be it a baby or something in nature, next is O - operation - that form has a certain life expectancy and will have a certain number of experiences and then finally D - that form will die. So I will never refer to God in the traditional way beause that is not how it appears to me. The Divine uses G_O_D_to experience life as a human.
The gym class went really well. I thoroughly enjoyed it and said goodbye to everyone. I was struck by the depth of warmth and well wishes for my operation and I left feeling so happy and contented with life. It is only now that I can see how for the last couple of months I have been in a dark place. I tried to convey some of it in some of the blog entries where I spoke about finding thing difficult at work. All that has shifted and I am once again feeling so well able to cope. It seems ironic that now when I feel so full of energy, insights and intuitions that I am going to be forced to slow down and not do much at all for eight weeks. Eight weeks of deepening into the formless realm. Eight weeks without the struture I have said is so important to me for balance. It is going to be an interesting challenge for me.
After the gym I walked to walk and when I got into work I heard the news that the wife of a work colleague had had a baby girl and I was once again in awe of the magical process of creation and of another aspect of the Divine which wants to experience through her coming into the world. I sat down at my desk and the view from my 9th floor window of the trees with their different coloured leaves totally took my breath away. I gave thanks for having the presence to allow it to move me. Then I got on with my day.
It was so busy and while it was much better than many other days it is for me a left brained environment and in spite of what the nueroscientists tell me I consider myself to be a right brained person living in a left brained world. What I write about comes from the right side of the brain. As a result left brained tasks take me longer to do than they do for other people. It's like I can see a document with a number and then 2 hours later the same document by another route will come in and I will think it's a different document and waste time dealing with it. Then I will be annoyed with myself when I discover that it's the same document. I don't have a natural aptitude for figures and spreadsheets and graphs. In fact to be honest my eyes glaze over at the mention of spreadsheets so to be in the job I am does not make any sense. But in the areas of communication and being a team player I am really there and authentic in this.
I worked late trying to get everything sorted for when I am away. Came home and then I had a call from a person from my group at the Landmark seminar. It is quite amazing speaking with people who have been involved with this work for a long time. It was a lady and she has worked with Landmark for over 20 years. She told me that she was in awe of the work they did and I can see this completely. It is an organisation that cares passionately about the transformation of human being and this is something I also care passionately about. I can think of no better purpose to have in life than to be the cause of transformation in another. Nobody can give transformation to another. Each one has to do it for themselves. The work has to be put in each for themselves, there is no way around it. For the stage of 'knowing yourself' nothing will do this quicker and more effectively than the Landmark training.
The other 2 stages will depend on dare I say it...past karma and one's own desire without attachment to achieve this state. As I said Landmark is not a spiritual programme it uncovers the elements of what it means to be human and then transforms them so that they work in a more powerful way. Realising that everything is connected and going to the source of that connection I think is by a different route. But the training is a necessary first step on this path. The ego personality is adept at not allowing into consciousness the level of ruthless self-honesty which is required for the first stage to be passed.
That's about it from me for now....my intention for the rest of the week is to rise early meditate, read and write...let's see how I get on!
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