Woke up to my mobile alarm this morning at 4.30am and without any resistance jumped out of bed. Now I don't know whether the reason I move so fast now is that I don't even want to feel it even though it is natural. I knew that I was going to the gym to my cycle class so I didn't do any meditation. Instead I read some more of the diaries and letters of Etty Hillesum and once again was in awe of her ruthless self-honesty. I saw something more though, I also saw the part that knowing that she was definitely going to die played in the intensity and focus of her writing. The knowledge of impending death is a wonderful focus for the mind and the creative energies.
I got everything ready for the gym and set off. I still don't have a car so I set off walking. There is something so wonderful walking around when everywhere is so still and quiet. To have a whole street to myself, only my footprint making a mark on the pavement. It reminded me of how I feel every New Years Eve. I feel like I am standing at the top of a mountain path that is covered by snow. The snow is pristine and pure. At the end of the year that path will have my footprints. This feels clumsy to write when the picture of what I am trying to convey is so clear in my mind.
I arrived at the gym and there was nobody else there. It was a lovely warm balmy morning and I was struck again by how much I love Autumn. The changing colours of the leaves. They appear to be at their most beautiful just before they die. I was aware that all of these leaves that are breathtaking in their beauty now will have died and been blown away come the middle of winter. This is nature's way. Nature doesn't put up any resistance to the natural cycles why should I or indeed anyone. The life cycle of the human on its evolutionary path to the spiritual also has these cycles and yet for some reason we often rail against them, wishing that they could be something different. But why should this be. Natural laws are just that natural laws that govern everything.
I love these kinds of insights because they come from a very deep place in me. I don't think they are from the mind because there is no debate associated with them. There is only a deep and secure knowing. It is one thing to know something from the mind, quite another to know it from the Soul. I see this journey from human to spiritual as happening in three stages.
The first stage is concerned with what Socrates famously said 'Know thyself' - this is what I do when I analyse every thought, action, reaction I have. It is the discovering of the ego personality. The emphasis is on the 'Know' it doesn't say, resist, change, judge, just 'know'. The empasis on 'THY -SELF' is to indicate that it is individual. It is referring to the personality and comprises the physical body, emotions, feeling and thoughts and ideas, also action. All of this is involved in 'knowing thyself'
The second stage is to do with 'knowing THE Self'. After a certain time spent knowing yourself the energy will shift and there will be some kind of unitary experience which will result in a knowing of THE SELF. This is not an easy stage to write about. The tools for getting to this stage are not as clear cut as for the first stage. But the ability to reach this second stage depends on how deep and thorough the work at the first stage is. Jesus understood this stage when he said 'do onto others as you would like to be done onto you'. He realised that there is no separation between him and others. At the second stage you see the unity that underlies the appearance of separation.
The third stage is 'Know THE ONE' this is the stage if it doesn't sound egotistical that I am working towards. It is the wisdom that is experienced when the Witness that maintains separation has dissolved and there is complete and total absorption in THE ONE. I do not know the form THE ONE has. I don't label it God because for me God is to the Divine what the human is to life.
Let me explain. Human is to life means that we as humans exist through life. Life is the playground for the human. The Divine exists through God. God is an acronym for the process through which the Divine experiences human existence. I spoke in an earlier blog about the Divine creating humans from itself in order to experience. That which creates cannot also experience. So Divine experiences through God. The process is one by which a form is G -Generated - so a form comes into the world, be it a baby or something in nature, next is O - operation - that form has a certain life expectancy and will have a certain number of experiences and then finally D - that form will die. So I will never refer to God in the traditional way beause that is not how it appears to me. The Divine uses G_O_D_to experience life as a human.
The gym class went really well. I thoroughly enjoyed it and said goodbye to everyone. I was struck by the depth of warmth and well wishes for my operation and I left feeling so happy and contented with life. It is only now that I can see how for the last couple of months I have been in a dark place. I tried to convey some of it in some of the blog entries where I spoke about finding thing difficult at work. All that has shifted and I am once again feeling so well able to cope. It seems ironic that now when I feel so full of energy, insights and intuitions that I am going to be forced to slow down and not do much at all for eight weeks. Eight weeks of deepening into the formless realm. Eight weeks without the struture I have said is so important to me for balance. It is going to be an interesting challenge for me.
After the gym I walked to walk and when I got into work I heard the news that the wife of a work colleague had had a baby girl and I was once again in awe of the magical process of creation and of another aspect of the Divine which wants to experience through her coming into the world. I sat down at my desk and the view from my 9th floor window of the trees with their different coloured leaves totally took my breath away. I gave thanks for having the presence to allow it to move me. Then I got on with my day.
It was so busy and while it was much better than many other days it is for me a left brained environment and in spite of what the nueroscientists tell me I consider myself to be a right brained person living in a left brained world. What I write about comes from the right side of the brain. As a result left brained tasks take me longer to do than they do for other people. It's like I can see a document with a number and then 2 hours later the same document by another route will come in and I will think it's a different document and waste time dealing with it. Then I will be annoyed with myself when I discover that it's the same document. I don't have a natural aptitude for figures and spreadsheets and graphs. In fact to be honest my eyes glaze over at the mention of spreadsheets so to be in the job I am does not make any sense. But in the areas of communication and being a team player I am really there and authentic in this.
I worked late trying to get everything sorted for when I am away. Came home and then I had a call from a person from my group at the Landmark seminar. It is quite amazing speaking with people who have been involved with this work for a long time. It was a lady and she has worked with Landmark for over 20 years. She told me that she was in awe of the work they did and I can see this completely. It is an organisation that cares passionately about the transformation of human being and this is something I also care passionately about. I can think of no better purpose to have in life than to be the cause of transformation in another. Nobody can give transformation to another. Each one has to do it for themselves. The work has to be put in each for themselves, there is no way around it. For the stage of 'knowing yourself' nothing will do this quicker and more effectively than the Landmark training.
The other 2 stages will depend on dare I say it...past karma and one's own desire without attachment to achieve this state. As I said Landmark is not a spiritual programme it uncovers the elements of what it means to be human and then transforms them so that they work in a more powerful way. Realising that everything is connected and going to the source of that connection I think is by a different route. But the training is a necessary first step on this path. The ego personality is adept at not allowing into consciousness the level of ruthless self-honesty which is required for the first stage to be passed.
That's about it from me for now....my intention for the rest of the week is to rise early meditate, read and write...let's see how I get on!
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