Went to bed last night so happy and grateful to that benevolent force which made everything flow in the way that it did at the hospital yesterday. To have the same energy and vitality after the operation as I did before is truly amazing. I don't remember it being like this when I had another operation to cauterize some of the sweat glands under my arms to stop excessive perspiration. I can remember then being very groggy and also very low in my mood.
The only difference between that operation and this (apart from the obvious one of them being on different parts of the body) is that for this one I have surrendered my life to that of a higher purpose. This surrender takes the form of complete and total acceptance of things the way they are, as that is the way they are. This surrender and giving up of wanting to control life so that it appears in a certain way results in life having a flow and an ease that is not possible when we are trying to control what is in essence uncontrollable. Once we see that and give up that control and replace it with trust and faith then we become like a rock in a sea. The waves of the sea still come crashing around the rock, surrender does not stop this. But like the rock is consciousness is steady and stable.
I went into that operation yesterday totally surrendered to whatever was going to be and the results have been amazing. I feel I could go back to work but I won't because common sense is required as well as surrender. The fact that I woke up by myself the moment I was wheeled into the recovery room and didn't need to be brought around is proof to me that when we surrender willingly and fully that 'something else' takes over. I I find it so difficult to define what I mean by 'something'. The closest description I can put on it is that it is like a force an energy which sometimes wells up from deep within me. I don't see myself as special for having this because it lies within everyone. Why should I consider myself special when I am exactly the same as everyone else. Perhaps I have a better access to it by my willingness to surrender to something that wants me to be bigger than I am. But the choice to surrender is there for everyone. The act of surrender gives the Divine access to experience life as a human through us. I have written about this before and apart from part 1 of Conversations with God have never come across the idea before.
Now I have just opened a page of the Etty Hillesum diaries and she says exactly the same thing. At this point in her writing she is open about her direct relationship with God. She says on page 240 'I now realise God, how much you have given me. So much that was beautiful and so much that was hard to bear. Yet whenever I showed myself ready to bear it, the hard was directly transformed into the beautiful. I am so grateful to You, God for having chosen my heart , in these times, to experience all the things it has experienced'. It seems to be the rawness and directness which deepens her Divine connection. She's not engaged in any theoretical figuring out. She's not bothered by ideas and beliefs that came before her and will come after her. She is solely concerned with her direct experiences with who she calls God.
For me to write in this way directly referring to God may make powerful reading but would be in authentic and fraudulent for me. There is definitely a Presence, more correctly a force but to me it's not God in the traditional way that God has been interpreted. What is there and is poweful is an energy that lies deep within the body. This energy has no visual component. This is why I can't speak about angels or spirit guides coming to visit me. For me none of this feels right. If I was to be drawn I may think given the similarities in our writing that the spirit of Etty Hillesum is quite close to me. But she has never appeared at the end of my sofa, smiling and telling me what to write. This is the frustration of this blog and possibly for people reading it. I keep constantly in mind that the mind is very clever. If a someone desires enough to see something then the mind will make it happen. Maybe I am over cautious but on the spiritual path one cannot be careful and vigilant enough.
What I will state as fact for me is the energy or force which is within the body. This force when activated gives rise to power and understanding. I want to also stress that I am not in favour of this force being raised intentionally because there are many risks associated with this. The fact that this force exists and will rise when a certain amount of preparatory work to both mind and body has been completed should be enough reason and inspiration to take on the spiritual journey in a conscious way.
The journey is one of awareness and discernment. Yesterday when I returned from hospital I had no pain. Last night the effect of the pain killers wore off and I felt pain. But I was aware that the pain was separate from me. Something was watching me have the pain...what is that? I have pain, I am not pain. I became engrossed in this until the pain of its own essence became too unbearable when I gave in and took a couple of the prescribed tablets. I did this to aid recovery to the body. It is well known that healing is quicker when the body is not in pain. Pain takes up energy in the mind and creates thought forms which may make recovery slower. In everything there is a spiritual lesson if we have the surrender and willingness to see it in this way. Such willingness to view events in this way will never go unrewarded.
I'm writing this blog entry early today because lots of friends are coming around to be with me this evening.
It is also important for me not to come across to people as in any way special and not to be attached to shifts that happen for other people. At one point the woman who was in the bed next to me complained to me of having a headache. I thought to myself 'let me try something'. I trained as a Reiki healer although I am not practicing. My training gave me the knowledge of the pressure points for relieving a headache. I briefly explained and demonstrated these points to her and she followed my example. While she was pressing on the temple points I sent her waves of healing energy. After a while she stopped. I did not ask her whether or not her headache was gone.
I was wheeled out for my operation before her and when she came back and was being brought around she immediately complained of gastric pain. The nurses sorted this out for her and after a bit she said to me. 'Do you know, that I don't have a headache anymore, I tried your trick but that didn't work, but now I have no headache and it was quite a thumping one'. I said how glad I was and didn't pursue her assertion that the Reiki had not worked (to do so would only be my ego working). I know that this is open to a debate. It is possible that now the operation was over, the stress was gone and so also was her headache. I quite accept that.
For me though the magic and mystery comes when we are willing to surrender to the possibility that perhaps the healing came from another source. For a few minutes that lady put her trust in me and was willling to try something that was suggested. This surrender and willingness not to me but to a process perhaps resulted in the disappearance of the headache. I must stress again the difference in how events in life are interpreted when you commit to following a spiritual path. Things like co-incidences just don't figure. There is a plan for everything and everything has a plan and to fight against it and try to control it only leads to suffering.
For me surrender to the Divine is the same thing. First comes the mental surrender. Usually when there is an experience which shifts the conscioiusness from the outer material to the inner spiritual. Later this may be followed by a physical surrender. All of the great mystical/spiritual writings speak about the importance of surrender. The surrender of the ego personality to the Soul.
I'm going now to hobble into my kitchen and microwave some pasta that a good friend cooked for me last night......
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