And so the agony goes on......

My irritable mood followed me into work today. Felt really restless and tired. The mind didn't seem to want to work. I haven't heard anything from the centre and this morning when I was reading the spiritual autobiography of Irwina Tweedie came across a sentence which says 'if you say you are pure, people will hate you. Make people pure by your company; don't advertise it'. When I read this I wondered whether this is a lesson to me not to pursue the meditation course. That perhaps I am not ready. It is times like this when I really miss a Guru or teacher who could guide me.

I'm also experiencing terrible conflict and tension with regard to 2 men that are in my life. One consequence I have found of following a spiritual path is that the mind thinks differently. I have struggled with relationships and have not been able to have a deep, long satisfying intimate bond with a man for very long. For the last many years I have been celibate. When the yearning for enlightenment is so strong and the thought of enlightenment is the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night as it has been for me for many years there isn't any energy left for anything else. But this path is lonely. I don't want to make it seem that it isn't. It is. I have times of such deep loneliness, even when surroundered by people I often feel so alone.

A couple of boyfriends in the past have tried to get me to stop my spiritual journey but that is never going to happen. I remember one Christmas a couple of years ago being alone in a cottage in rural Ireland without any of my family. I was crying and remonstrating with God 'is this really the kind of life you want for me.' Then suddenly I became aware of words forming in my mind to the effect of 'why do you think I have kept you alone like this, it is to have the time to ponder and think about me' and immediately all the pain of loneliness disappeared and I felt such deep comfort.

I don't believe in treating this path like it's a bed of roses and I have often protested to God or whatever label you want to put on it about why I can't seem to have a satisfying relationship, I often rebel like a spoilt child and always a benevolent energy will seem to envelop me and all my self-pity will evaporate.

This morning I was reading about the energetic vibrations which the Guru produced in Irwina Tweedie. These vibrations are necessary to clear energy blockages from the chakras. The chakras are vortices of energy which lie along the spinal cord in the etheric. I have also experienced these vibrations. Afterwards I have a clarity and a deeper understanding of spiritual truths so I know that they are serving the purpose of quickening the awareness in readiness for something....I feel it but without a Guru it is something I will have to discover and experience alone.

I still haven't heard anything from the publishers about whether or not they will take my book. All of this is adding to my frustration. It can feel right to want to go and out and share but the practicalities of doing it or even the recognition that there is something useful and worthwhile to share is not achieved easily. I must be patient and wait for the right time.

I hope my mind works better at work tomorrow.