Reassurance always comes....

This morning I got up when my alarm clock went at 4.30am. I had a gym re-programme at 6am. When I am spinning I wear a heart rate monitor to see how far I can push my heart rate but I have never worn it for any gym assessments. This morning I had the idea to wear it.

I arrived at the gym and met the instructor. I explained that I wanted different exercises that I was bored with the ones I was doing and I didn't feel they were of much benefit anymore. He understood and asked me how much running I did. In the past I did a lot of running and I would love to get back into it. He set me up on the treadmill and watched my technique. He gave me a few pointers and I was amazed at how immediate the difference was. The spiritual is exactly the same, without a guide or someone who knows more or has advanced further there is a danger of missing that one vital thing that could shift the consciousness into expanding fully.

At one point in the assessment he looked at my heart monitor and couldn't believe how slow it was. He told me that only once had he seen a heart rate as slow as mine and that was in a cyclist on the tour de France. The first thing I was aware of when he told me this was of a feeling of pride and a compulsion to boast about it to everyone. I watched these feelings arise in myself with interest. I understand where this slow heart beat has come from. It is as a direct result of a profound experience I had when I was on a meditation retreat in Devon. Ironically the retreat was called 'awakening the heart' Since then I am aware that I don't suffer from any stress. This is why life is so calm and balanced. Yes my mind and the thoughts can be vicious but I know that as long as I maintain the witness mentality which is watching the play of the mind like a detached observer that my body will not be affected. The thoughts which came up when he said that were 'I always knew I was special' and 'now people will understand' and I had to ruthlessly cut off this train of thought.

I went into work and at one point in the morning was getting a cup of coffee from the machine and for a split second my mind went blank there was nothing there, no thoughts, no fear, just a deep relaxation. I was surprised at this because it has never happened before. When I returned to my desk which has a lovely view out of the window I looked deeply at the sky and felt such a deep connection to something.

There are many times that I miss not having a teacher. For many years books have been my teachers. At the moment I am reading The Soul by Alice Bailey. This is resonating with me on so many levels at the moment. I have been grappling with one time having a profound powerful experience and the next minute losing this state. It tends to happen once I have the thought 'is this the utlimate state'. The minute I think this, the state is gone and in its place is frustration and then another thought, mustn't be frustrated, must accept that this is the way it is and round and round like a mouse on a wheel.

Today I read a few sentences in this book which gave me an amazing clarity and I would like to record these in this blog pg 104 'we sense beauties and glories surrounding us that as yet we cannot revel in; they flit into our vision, and we touch the glory at a lofty moment, only again to lose the contact and to sink back again into the murky gloom that envelopes'. When I read this I experienced such relief and gratitude that the universe would reassure me in this way. Just this little confirmation that the spiritual path is so much a mixture of agony and ecstasy gives me the faith and commitment to keep going.

I don't know if this blog is ever going to be read by anyone but if someone is reading this. The journey is real. What saints and other realized people have written about is real and achievable in one's life time. I would bet my life on this. However there is a saying 'many are called but few are chosen. I don't consider myself 'chosen' in fact I consider myself someone who has got this far because of a deception - that of not having 2 properly functioning eyes. So I can never be arrogant about the insights or experiences I have had because I will never know that if I had 2 proper functioning eyes would I have had the kind of experiences which I have had. I don't know and it is that uncertainty that keeps me humble.