I know that I haven't written this blog for a while and I am also aware of the impact on those readers who are loyal to it. I could say that I've been really busy with getting ready to visit my family in Ireland tomorrow for Christmas, but that is not the Truth. The truth is that I've been lazy. It's been late at night when I get in home these days and I've wanted to go to the gym early in the morning so something has had to give and unfortunately it has been regular writing of this blog. The impact on me is that the longer I leave it the harder it is to sit down and write it. The impact on the reader is frustration with my inconsistency. What I will promise going forward is to write the blog 3 times each week and I will put this in a structure of setting a reminder on my phone when it is time to write the blog. I have learned that if I don't give a promise a structure and have some way of keeping it in existence it doesn't happen.
The space I have been in since I gave in my resignation at work has just been amazing. Everything is flowing and has an ease that is nothing short of miraculous. Yesterday for example, I went to the gym, went to get some theatre tickets for my sister-in-law and 2 nieces who are over in London for the weekend, did my 3 hour communication agreement, met with my sister-in-law and neices for a cofee and then went to a friends dinner party. All of this happened with such freedom and ease. I wasn't late for anything. What was even more amazing was that I didn't feel any stress with any of it. Even giving up my job hasn't resulted in any stress or regret. I have moments where the enormity of what I have done in the current climate grips me but then in the next moment I will have another thought about what is going to be possible and also how authentic I now feel.
On Thursday morning of this week when I woke up I felt an inner urge to walk to the park to work instead of getting the bus or the tube. It was a lovely morning and as I set off I felt such deep contentment. Somehow everything seems so much sharper, clearer. I felt my consciousness expand to become one with the trees and the leaves and I realized with complete faith and conviction the connection between everything and everyone. I felt this incredible lightness of being. I had forgotten the peace and inner joy that is present when walking in nature and connecting with that which is bigger than me.
I am also finding that since I gave in my notice that I am much more self-expressed especially in the area of meditation and spiritual development. I am moving myself into the role of meditation and spiritual counsellor and there is no doubt. In the past there were doubts about my own ability to be a spiritual counsellor, doubts about how to give people a direct experience of what consciously taking on the spiritual path can produce, doubts about my own worthiness to assume such a role. All of this has gone and in its place is unwavering faith in the path and the commitment to make a difference in the lives of others. I am so grateful for the distinctions that I have learned from a new model of communication. My faith and commitment together with these tools will be what will create this new direction for me. What has also made a massive difference is my letting go of control. However I am aware that I still have huge emotional control which is my next challenge. My unwillingness to let go of emotional control has cost me dearly in relationships. I am only getting the impact of this now. My reluctance to let it go is that I consider that it has served me well in the past. It has enabled me to pursue relentlessly the spiritual path. When the Buddha said that experiencing the state of enlightenment was possible in one lifetime there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I was going to get it. I had no idea what it looked like, but there was a grip on my consciousness for this aspiration that has been lasting and permanent.
In order to do this I had to be single minded, nothing could get in the way. I have spoken about how I took on controlling everything in the same way as I controlled my spiritual efforts. I also though took on emotional control in that I wouldn't allow anything to throw me off track emotionally. This has led to me feeling quite cut off from people and alone. I have spoken about the difference between realizing the connection between everything and being related. I am clear about the former and I struggle with the latter because of the constant tension I experience between the strength of my emotional control and my desire for closeness and to form a loving and intimate relationship. The two are incompatible I understand that but there is still an unwillingness to let go of the emotional control. But it is costing me. It is costing me with the guy from the gym and has done with other relationships. The cost to me is that with such emotional control that my relationships don't last very long. This was another reason I entertained a thought of myself as having a mild form of autism. What I see clearly is that it is the strength of my emotional control that is preventing me from being vulnerable and open instead of defensive and aggressive. And what is keeping that emotional control in place is the same as what was keeping my other control behaviour in place and that is fear. I disappeared the fear once I can do it again. All that is necessary for me to do is to be willing to be in the enquiry and be committed to having a breakthrough. I have to let go of the idea that letting go of emotional control will be detrimental to the spiritual journey. My fear is that if I let go of emotional control that I won't be as committed to the spiritual journey but this is ridiculous.
On an intellectual level I know this but knowing something on an intellectual level and realizing it such that it disappears forever is a different thing. I haven't realized it and therefore it still has power over me. I don't know what it is going to take to transform this but I am committed to transforming it. That transformation can only happen in communication by me sharing myself with others and putting myself at risk for what is possible. Even as I write this I can feel the resistance and thoughts coming up like 'they are going to think that I'm weird, I can't do that' but I know that everytime I feel that resistance and push through it and share myself honestly, that something new is possible. However, it's all too easy though not to go there and just to continue in the same way but to do this is to deny the magic and miracle of transformation. The impulse of every human being whether consciously or unconsciously is towards transformation. Another word for it is advancement. It is the nature of the human consciousness to want to advance and transform otherwise there is no evolution and the universe becomes stagnant. The universe will not allow this to happen because its nature is advancing and expanding and as we are all children of the universe this is what we must do too.
I'm away to Ireland tomorrow and as I will have not have access to the internet to write my blog, I want to wish all of my readers a very happy holiday period. Thank you to everyone who sent in comments and engaged with the blog. I will leave you at the end of 2008 with a possibility I have created for myself which inspires me and I hope it will you also......the possibility of having it all with freedom and ease........
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