When you look back for the ladder........there is no ladder

The title of this post is just how it feels in my world at the moment. Over the weekend I had a wobble about the enormity of what I have done given the current climate. I then replayed a version in my mind where I went and asked for my job back.... nothing in my psyche would let me do it. It's like that ladder has gone or at least the rungs below where I am standing now have gone.

The spiritual path takes courage, the courage to take a leap for what I have faith in I can achieve. I believe in my ability to create a magazine that will be meaningful to people and give readers an experience of what it's like being on a spiritual path. Yes, words are important in that they show the Way but it is only experience that delivers the ultimate proof of the truth, presence and reality of the Way. In order for me to be able to do this there can be no gap between who I am and what I do.

I find that now I have made the choice to leave I have more energy at work than I've had over the last 4 months. I'm more focussed and as a result this kind of work is flying. Yet I know that this is only because I am living into a future that is authentically where I should be. If I didn't take the opportunity this course presents to me and had continued to play safe and small then I would bet that as 2009 progressed that events would happen and I would regret not having had the courage to make the move that I am making now.

I called my mum earlier and I was telling her how I felt that this choice feels like it is the first choice I have made willilngly and from a place of being able to see what is possible for the future. I did 3 years nursing with children and adults with special needs because a nun told me that the results of my IQ tests meant that I was functioning at border mental handicap which is what it was called in those days. Before this event nursing had never entered into my head. I then did a psychology degree as a way to get out of the nursing. I got the job as an editorial assistant through being in the temporary recruitment agency at the right time and then I got to where I am now to lick my wounds from the horrible experience I had in the publishing environment. This is the first time that I have made a conscious powerful choice and it feels so good. I'm also a little bemused at how I could have gone through life so directionless. But then again every ounce of my energy up to now was devoted to the spiritual path. Not in the way of an Ashram but in the way that everything else that I did came second to this. So making a conscious choice in this way around anything that wasn't spiritual was something I didn't do.

This is not to say that my spiritual path has ended, in fact it is only really beginning. I feel like I am emerging having spent years doing the preparation, reading, studying and then pulling back so that everything could come together in the creation of something new. This course and what I will learn will be that new creation. I have no idea what it's going to look like. All I know is that in the midst of the deepening economic crisis that I feel such excitement and anticipation. I know that I am alive.......