Saturday, 2 May 2009

Amazing....and totally unexpected....

I wrote my blog entry yesterday from quite a dark place. I am beginning to be much clearer about these dark places and the importance of staying steady and authentic with myself when I am in them. Yesterday I finished college early as the lecturer was too ill to come in. I have been worrying about the design component of this course, solely because it involves the logistics of making boxes and importing texts and pictures and I have it that I can't do it. When we had no lecture yesterday I took a chance and asked someone on the course who I think such a lot of if she could spend a few minutes just taking me through the basics. Her willingness to do so and the way she went through everything with me was so brilliant and I was so thankful to her. Suddenly me designing a magazine page for one of the features I am writing is not the daunting, complexing and confusing task I had made it out to be. It also showed me again how important communication is and to say what's there and make requests. It is in the space of communication that magic and miracles happen.

I shut off the computer and went home. I had been a bit apprehensive because three out of the five people I live with have been sick with some kind of vomiting stomach bug and in spite of all my words about staying steady could see that my mind was far from steady, with thoughts like 'you can't get sick on this course', but the beauty of being a witness over thoughts is that I know the thoughts are separate from me otherwise I wouldn't be able to distinguish them. The moment that is distinguished the thought loses its power. Our identity uses thoughts to keep us playing small and I recognise that in every moment. What is then there is the choice to give up that disempowering thought and create a possibility that moves and inspires. Identity and possibility cannot live in the same space. At every moment we are operating from one or the other, never both at the same time.

When I got into the house it was all quiet so I went to my room to do some shorthand before getting the train to London because it would be a late night last night with my final classroom and also my agreement later today so I wanted to put in some practice. I did my first speed test and couldn't keep at all and that was only at 60 words per minute and I am committed to 100 words a minute to allow me to apply for a job on a paper as well as a magazine. I rumaged in my bag for my book, pad, ruler and pen and thought I would try a passage I hadn't drilled. I hadn't got far when the familiar feelings of frustration and really not having an idea how the squiggly outlines were arrived at and then the fearful thoughts of not being able to get this. It's ironical I'm not a bad writer and yet teh access to being even better is proving to be such hard work. Pissed off beyond belief I crammed the books into my bag, on some kind of impulse I also put in a shorthand dictionary that I had but have never looked at and left for London to help prepare the room for the classroom that evening.

I got to the station in plenty of time and settled myself on the train which soon took off. I reached into my bag and pulled out the first book which was the shorthand dictionary. I started to look at the construction of the words as they occurred alphabetically and then it hit me like a brick 'Eureka', none of the outlines had any vowels....all of the vowels were missing. Suddenly how to construct these outlines became so clear and all of the fog I had around it disappeared and I could construct words that I knew I hadn't drilled simply by getting that all I had to do was to leave out the vowels. Now I understood the look of puzzlement my colleague had given me when I explained how I struggled to write 'doors' in shorthand. I got myself tied up into knots about where to put the two os' when the bloody outline had no os' and was just drs. I saw just how ludicrous the whole thing was I laughed at loud much to the amusement of the guy who was sitting in the seat opposite. He must have thought it weird me laughing and not looking at anything only a shorthand book.

I couldn't believe what I had just seen and I closed the book to look out of the window and give a hearfelt thanks to the universe for making it possible. I gazed into the sky and to my delight saw that the moon in the sky was half-covered and I really saw that this mirrored the way everything is. Some is exposed but most is hidden to reveal itself when the time is right. I am sure that the teacher said about not including vowels, I think it is written in the book also but I didn't get it until yesterday on a strange and yet how magical and miraculous.

I entered into the classroom last night in such a different frame of mind. I hadn't realised that being so stuck on the shorthand had gone through my whole way of being in that I had told myself that I was stupid that I couldn't get it and this had an impact in the way that I kept myself separate and alone from everyone. Not last night, I was chatting with everyone and ended up staying up until 4am with a couple of other people chatting about the amazing things that are happening in everyone's lives.

So now I must go and do my agreement and inspire graduates to play big games to get the truth of the power to create whatever life he she wants to have.....

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