Everything's the same....yet it's so totally different

It was the same college and it was the same shorthand class today but it was different. Today I didn't sit through the shorthand lesson in the familiar fog that I usually do. I was as bright as a button, seeing things that I had never seen before and drawing confident outlines instead of the usual 'catch the spider that has run over my page' type. The bank holiday Monday was a strange day as I felt that I slipped back as my mood was once again black to the point that I didn't want to write this blog. It felt like the periods of freedom when the consciousness is out of the box were just too brief and I was once again plunged into the darkness. But yesterday there was none of that. We got the results back from our public affairs exam and I could see how my subconscious belief about myself 'that I won't get it' had impacted on this too in that my answers were brief and superficial and hence I paid the price in terms of the grade I got. Up to now I have just wanted to pass the exams and get the 100 words a minute in shorthand. Now I want to drive myself harder to get a higher mark.

What has been so amazing for me about this process is how with all the work I have done on disappearing words that are said to me that they can still have such an effect. What was hidden from my view was how my identity was using words that a nun had said to me when I was 15 about 'not being able to really get anything'. This came about when she gave me the result of an IQ test I did. The fact that it was an IQ test and not the result of a maths or some other test made the entire thing hugely traumatic for me in that IQ is part of the fabric of our being. When she told me that the results from my IQ test were such that I wasn't normal and the best that I could hope for in life was getting one of those jobs where people took cans of beans of conveyor belts it totally devastated me. Fast forward years later and with the Landmark technology I recreate it and think that it's gone. What I see now from how I have suddenly 'got' shorthand is that my identity used this to give me a life where I didn't 'get' things that were said to me.

What all of this has awoken in me now is a deep desire to be a leader for children and young people to ensure that they have the tools to be powerful in the face of the kind of attack I experienced. My stand is that every child and young person has the tools to enable them not to make things that happen in life mean anything. What I have got present to was how much different would my life have been if I had this technology available to me when I was eight years old and upward. Yet, I am not going down this route. My life path has been like this for a reason. What it has showed me however is that this kind of damage if not picked up early festers and gives the identity fertile ground to keep the person playing small. How was I ever going to play big when below my consciousness my identity was saying to me that everything I did and everything that I said, or someone said to me was 'you're not going to get this'. I see so clearly now why I have struggled when it has come to being coached. The coaching couldn't get past the identity which was saying 'don't even bother, you're not going to get it'. Up to now, it has been so effective in how it has done this. But now.....the rules of the game have changed....

It's so amazing that I had really been convinced that after I finish this year that this is the end for me. I see now that it is only the beginning in terms of realising my burning aspiration to be a Landmark Forum leader for children and young people. Children and young people are the future and I want to be doing my part to make a difference so that the world they build through the tools they will have will be a world of love and affinity and an identity that isn't out to destroy but to empower. I believe that this is possible and this is my dream and has gripped my consciousness with a passion I didn't know was possible. In an earlier blog entry I spoke about the shift that happens when the consciousness is grabbed by something. I have been gotten by this dream and I will do anything to make it happen.

It's not going to be easy becauses the training involved is around seven years. To my knowledge all of the leaders who lead for children and young people are in America. I also have to sustain myself financially but I trust that all of this will come. What all of this has taught me is that yes, as an adult you can work on yourself and get some freedom from stuff that has happened in childhood but without having these tools at an early stage of life then the identity becomes too strong. It feels like to me that efforts made when an adult is like a crack in the rock. You can fill in the crack but it's still there. For young children to have the tools for disappearing the possibility of the crack is a vision that inspires me beyond belief.

Yet I am not so naive as to think that the identity is going to stop the way that it forms. It won't. What will be different will be that the young people will have the awareness of what is happening and in that awareness will be power. The consciousness won't be the sitting duck that it has been in the past. It's also going to be a huge challenge for me and for my tendancy to get attached to something that I nail my colours to the mast for. My mantra for all of this is going to be 'committed but not attached' and I am so trained now that I recognise the difference between the two. There is also no fooling young people in that they know when someone is the real deal with them. I have also declared this to be my life path because of the affinity I feel when I am with children and young people. I am at my most authentic and happy when I am among them. To have this and also the training to enable them to be the most powerful, free and self-expressed people that they can be and to really experience that they have the power to create whatever life they want to have for themselves is truly to have everything while on earth.

I never thought that I would have the passion and commitment to something that if someone said to me 'if you run five miles a day then you will achieve this' that I would then without question set the clock early and do this, even though I really don't like running. From this I realise the importance of having an empowering context when you are going to do anything which the identity is going to resist at all costs. I see the difference that having an empowering context makes in not giving into the resistance put up by the identity which is not personal.

Life at the moment feels like such a rollercoaster and all there is to do on the rollercoaster is.....don't get off until the end....