Something is definitely happening within me because since Monday I have been laid low with exhaustion. Last night my friend had her evening on mindfulness meditation and even though I was exhausted I went. During both the meditation and the talk by the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh I was drifting in and out of consciousness. And yet when I go to sleep at night I sleep like a baby until an acceptable time to get up the next morning so I have no idea what is happening at the moment but like anything on the spiritual path the way through it is by total trust and surrender and saying 'yes' to the present moment. My present moment is exhaustion and I am saying 'yes' to that. The distinction 'Transformation' has still got me. I am NOTHING but the space from which everything arises. But what is the 'everything'? It is what goes up to make up the identity and to make it appear different from the self. But in transformation that identity falls away and what is unconcealed is the shining diamond of the self expressed however one creates it to be expressed. The identity disappears when it is investigated and found to be empty and meaningless. The only meaning that has been given to it is by our minds and in this way is a story..not the truth. All it takes to be transformed is to recognise the possibility of this. I am not saying that it is the truth of how transformation or seeing into the emptiness of everything sets human being free from their suffering but I invite consideration that it may be.....
I am careful to never make assertions that are not either based on my own experience or my own observation. I thank Manuel everyday for being the example that I now follow. I do this also as a protection that I don't then begin to build up great theories that are not based on my own experiences or observation. It was that moment on Sunday afternoon when I experienced that I was NOTHING and in that moment I knew that I could create anything I wanted for myself and my life....in that moment....I was free.
When I gave the link to the Youtube link in my last post to Paul's kundalini awakening experience when he was 13 I meant to ask for some comments because I found it powerful and inspiring but I wanted to ask readers of this blog how it came across to them. What I found particularly interesting was what he said about the ego or identity when it re-appears having found itself disappeared for the time of the experience how it emerges much bigger. It's like the identity has had a shock and for a moment the game of human being has been exposed but then the ego/identity quickly re-asserts its dominance once again covering the SELF but now becomes bigger and in some cases transforms into a spiritual ego. I am convinced that if I didn't have the vigilance that I had and I thank my childlike quality which meant that when I had this experience I was emotionally only 5 and it is this grace (that is another realization I had over the weekend) that has allowed me not to have it fragment my consciousness in the way I have seen it do to others.
I wanted to begin writing again because I've been too exhausted for the past few days. The spiritual path is all about willingness to go there. In my experience there is always the invitation. On Sunday I was invited to experience Transformation and I said 'yes'. Yet this is not easy and involves purification which I think is what the exhaustion is about. Again if I had a teacher that would understand because he/she is further along the path than me then it wouldn't feel so hard but then again this is my story that it would be easier if I had a teacher or was part of some established spiritual organisation. What is so at this moment in time is that I don't and all there is for me to do is to surrender to each moment just the way that it is and the way that it isn't. Suffering is the result of refusing to accept what is wanting it to be someway different. What there is for me to do is to bring some fun to it. It's only serious and significant if I make it so. It is like this for all of us. We all have a choice about how we interpret the things that happen to us. No interpretation is the truth so why not put an interpretation on an event that empowers us and maybe even inspires.....
I also had another shock over this weekend which has also played a part in the exhaustion I am feeling at the moment. All my life I have hated being pressured. I have a way of being that gives out the message 'push me and I'll kill you' which you can imagine was a lovely thing for me as the enlightened person I consider myself to be to discover! This way of being has been very strong to the point that when it came to putting myself under pressure to get my shorthand exam I engineered a shake in my hand so that I didn't have to put myself under pressure to perform and I won that game hands down when I actually left the shorthand exam. Up to now this way worked for me. When I was working I would always have left the office early, there was no working until late at night for me unless I was going somewhere afterwards and it was too much bother to go home. I always left myself enough time to get places so there was no pressure and I certainly never put myself under pressure for deadlines or did any kind of pressurised job.
I have taken exactly the same attitude to this training I am doing which has been 'I'll do it my way, in my own time the the sub-text of 'push me and I'll kill you' which as you can imagine has meant it has been a brave soul who has dared to challenge me and as a result I have been left to go at my own pace. All of this was no problem until come Saturday I was separated from my group because my performance was not at the same level as the others in the group. This totally shocked me because in my head I had put myself at the same level of performance of at least three if not four of my group so to suddenly see them all leave to go without me really hit me. In that moment doing it my way and in my own time wasn't so appealing when the impact was being left behind. For the rest of the weekend I found it difficult to be present. All kinds of thoughts came into my mind 'you don't belong here, you're different, and then a kind of smugness, 'nobody is doing it like you so don't worry' and while in the past that kind of smug thought would have been comforting there was nothing comforting about it this time. This time I didn't want to know. This experience has created a shift that nothing else could do, not coaching, not endless talking to. The only thing that could shift that and have me realize that there is an urgency in life was the experience of being left behind.
As a result of this and in spite of my exhaustion since Sunday I have caused it so that I am now with all of my group. I've also noticed an aliveness and an alertness and am feeling the energy of velocity which is something I had not allowed myself to feel before because my identity would not let me put myself under pressure to see what I could create and cause out there in the world. This is how subtle our identity works but how powerful it is in sabotaging the inner urge that is within each of us to make a difference to people and the world. Now..more than ever do I need to bring fun and no significance to this major shift that I have had. This is the problem with me. I'm like the pendulum on a grandfather clock - for years I am one way and then weee....over to the other side I go. A result if I'm not careful is that I become unbalanced but I am aware of this and being aware is the key to journeying the spiritual path successfully...so rock on and bring on what's next......
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