I went to the gym early yesterday because with the snow I haven't wanted to do anything except those things that I gave my word to. The irony is that I gave my word to go to the gym and to re-start my kundalini yoga class and I didn't do either. What I am noticing these days is that when I don't keep my word to myself that it's beginning to have the same impact as when I don't keep my word to others. I get restless, agitated and don't know why. Yesterday I woke up and for the first moring I could see the pavement in the street outside. Experienced the usual thought 'do I really want to go to the gym this morning' but immediately brushed that aside and got myself ready to leave after my call with my morning buddy where we create the kind of day we are going to have and how we are going to be to fulfill on that creation. This is similar to what Neale Donald Walsh speaks about in his amazing book Conversations with God part 1 which I have read seven times and absolutely adore.
In it he speaks about the human tendancy to think that if I do enough, then I will have those things that I want and then I will be happy. Neale turns this on its head and says that it is from who we are being, that we then do the actions that are in agreement with that way of being and from that we will have all the things that we want. So each morning me and my buddy create how we are going to be and then from that what we are going to do and what we will have at the end of the day and then each morning we hold each other to account and see what was missing in the way we were being that had us do or not do the things that we had promised. I have learned that in life there are really only two things that causes results out there in the world and they are performance and action and both come from our way of being.
Went to the gym and really enjoyed it and realized again just how much I need exercise to manage the intensity of the awakened energy within me. I did a great workout on all the machines and had a really hot shower. Tried to wake up my skin with a shot of cold but that wasn't too successful so went back to almost scalding myself. Walked home and walking home I was filled with this intense joy and bliss. It always amazes me when these feelings emerge without there being any reason for them. Yes, I had been my word and gone to the gym but to be rewarded with the intense feeling of joy that welled up from deep within was both unexpected and beautiful. I took a couple of minutes out to acknoweldge and be grateful for this. In my experience it is when we acknowledge these little glimpses of what Maslow termed 'peak experiences' and don't be attached or crave for them to happen again that they get more frequent and this is the way it has been for me.
Returned home and re-started the computer.....and there it was....a flirt from a man...my first thougtht was 'who the hell is this man'...and when I clicked it said 'a secret admirer'...This is completely new to me and I was soo excited. I have never received one of these and so didn't know what the etiquettte was in responding. Should I send a message or return the compliment with another flirt. Before I did anything though....I just had to look at his profile. He had obviously gone to a lot of trouble in writing his profile and out of all of it the bit that resonated with me was his desire for a woman who had done some personal development. Now.....this is different. Granted I haven't read many profiles but none of the ones that I read had ever mentioned this. He also mentioned integrity and honest communication. I read the profile to my friend Lotus and she was really impressed proclaiming that 'this man is gold dust'. One other concern was that he didn't have a picture. When I said this to Lotus she explained that in the profession he said he was in he couldn't upload a picture. I didn't fully understand this but was willing to go with it. All of my investigations completed and validation received from Lotus (how spiritual is that!) I returned his flirt with one of my own! Quite a subtle one because that is my way.
Now comes the nightmare (a bit of an exaggeration) of internet dating waiting for the reply. But what I got from the experience was an overwhelming excitement that I haven't felt for many years. And yet I didn't feel there was anything missing because I was so young emotionally. When you're five you're not thinking about men and relationships so I was quite happy throwing myself into the spiritual. I was going to write that when you're five you're not thinking about the spiritual but that is not quite true because if I go back to the right and left brain. A five year old is very much functioning in the right brain. What has happened to me is that finally my consciousness has shifted from the right brain to the left brain so that finally I am now an adult. Bizarre as this sounds to write and probably it is even more bizarre to my readers, this is the only way I can use to account for what has happened. It is when I am in this kind of an enquiry and don't have a teacher that I really miss Manuel. He would understand in a minute what had happened and be there as a support. But the spiritual path is definitely the path by the alone to the alone and I must journey it alone. The difference now is that while it might be alone, it is no longer the lonely path that it was. This is because of my new found ease, joy, love, connectedness and relatedness to adults.
Last night I went out with a group of people and had such an amazing evening. My friend and I were given a lift home by this man and while we didn't speak together for the entire evening in the car home he asked me a lot of questions about myself and my life. My friend got out first and inspite of my insistence that I would walk the rest of the way because it wasn't far insisted on giving me a lift. In the car I spoke about my unsureness and what was behind it. I ended up telling him about the decision I had made when I was five that the adult world was unsafe and I wasn't going there and the kind of life it had given me and that this was the reason that I was not super confident. It was great being this vulnerable with someone I had only met and as a result he shared something about himself that had him be the way he was. It was a really great conversation and I was so conscious that I felt no fear and there was nothing else in my mind only listening to him as powerfully as I could and being of service and contribution. He was on his way to visit his girlfriend which is why he gave me and my friend a lift home so we gave each other a hug and said bye. I let myself into my house and the first thing I saw was the landlady's cat who has adopted me as her mum. I immediately bent down and picked her up and was so happy.
So today I am going to London. It is the final weeekend of this training course I am doing. I am so grateful to this training. I came into it a five year old child and I am finishing it (it's not officially over until end March) as an adult. This is nothing short of miraculous for me and I now live the distinctions of this training. They are with me in every conversation I have with people and as a result I can be staight and of service and contribution in the way that the Buddhist teachings mean. While fear is present, service and contribution cannot be..... And finally...what I realize now is that all those years ago when I was gripped by the deep desire to be a Boddhisattva what I was really gripped by was the desire for enlightenment. Not as a concept but as an experience that is as real today as it was in the days of the Buddha....
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