Saturday, 29 March 2008

Visit to Mother Meera for Darshan......

The turmoil I wrote about yesterday continued into the night. I intended to get up early and spend some time meditating in preparation for receiving Darshan from Mother Meera later in the day. I woke naturally at 7am and thought to myself 'I'll meditate here in bed, instead of getting up and sitting on my meditation stool', yeah right, the next thing I knew was that it was 9am and I was awoken by someone ringing my doorbell. I couldn't believe it and I was so angry at myself for not getting up when I had promised myself I would.

I showered and dressed feeling thoroughly miserable and thinking that there was no-one less worthy than me to receive this Darshan. While on the other hand a part of me was saying 'why are you going anyway'. It's hard to describe this kind of inner tension and turmoil without risking some kind of diagnosis but to me it is integral to the spiritual path and is always there when it comes to events which have the potential to stretch consciousness. There is a constant battle going on between a part of us that wants to grow spiritually and another part which doesn't want this at all.

I decided to leave to get to the venue early in case my booking had not been received in which case I would have to wait to see if a space became available. When I reached the bus station to wait for the bus that would take me to the venue I noticed there was another woman there with relatively younger man. We got chatting and it turned out that they were also going to see Mother Meera and like me they had never seen her before. I was struck by how stressed the woman seemed to be. Granted she had come from Oxford which is quite a way from London and didn't know where the venue was in London but she had plenty of time and so I couldn't see the need for her level of mental agitation. She told me that she had worked for the organisation founded by The Maharishi and had met him a number of times. I was fascinated by this and we had a good conversation. The bus came and we got on. I felt the need to voice my long held concern about giving away power to self-proclaimed gurus like Mother Meera and I was quickly told that Mother was an Avatar and not a Guru - OK. I wondered how much of a difference knowing that would make to me.

We reached the venue and there were lots of Mother's helpers to guide us. I had a few anxious moments as I explained that I had submitted a booking but hadn't received any confirmation. She asked my name and ran her eyes down a page and then produced a black pen and with a flourish ticked a box - hurrah, seems they did receive my booking after all. I entered into the chapel which was the venue for the Darshan and I had a quick glance around, there didn't seem to be a space available at all in the front pews. Then I spotted one single spot quite near the front. I couldn't believe that it wasn't taken so I asked the Indian lady sitting there whether or not it was taken and she shook her head. Delighted I arranged myself on the bench and saw that I would have a direct view of the Mother when she appeared.

It was early and nobody was speaking so I closed my eyes to meditate. Immediately my inner voice went on a rant 'what are you doing here, waste of time etc, etc,. But I said to I don't really know who '1% of me is serious and sincere in being here, give power to that 1% to make a difference in the world; strengthen that part and don't worry about the remaining 99% that wants to rant and rave and is resistant' This felt OK to me.

At one point I stole a glance around and I was amazed at just how many people were there. The chapel was full and there were people outside also. At 2pm Mother Meera arrived and everyone stood up. Then there was this rush. The Indian woman beside me jumped nimbly over my feet and went into the aisle and knelt down. In a few seconds this huge queue had formed. I didn't know what to do so I didn't do anything. Mother Meera began to give Darshan. I watched devotees kneel before her with bowed heads. She placed her hands on either side of their head for a few seconds and then looked deeply into their eyes for another few seconds and then lowered her eyes. This was a sign that the Darshan for that person was over. After watching this for some time with my inner voice upping its rant about how this was so not the place for me I stood up and took my place in the queue.

The closer I got the more my apprehension grew. A big part of me wanted to run but the 1% that got me there was insistent and so I stayed. Mother Meera had a man beside her to ensure that she wasn't mauled by any devotee and he had to tell me twice to move up closer. When there was only one more person before me my inner voice reached a crescendo with wanting to leave but I shuffled over to her and bowed my head. Devotees could also touch her feet but this was something I didn't want to do so I didn't. I felt the lightest and gentlest of touches on either side of my head as she held it. After a few seconds I felt slight pressure which was the cue for me to lift my head and look into her eyes which I did. Now I've stopped writing as I try to be honest and authentic about how this was. I tried to keep my mind blank as I looked fully into her eyes and the word that seemed to come was 'connection'. After a few seconds Mother lowered her eyes which was the sign that my Darshan was over. I heaved myself up to my feet and returned to my seat.

On reflection in my seat it seemed that her eyes were not as powerful as they were in the photo I had looked at yesterday. I didn't feel anything when I returned to my seat, not elation nor disappointment nor even relief that I had done it. I just had a sense of wonder and curiosity as to how this woman can have all of these people present when she doesn't say a word or allow any devotee to say anything to her during Darshan. It is quite incredible the number of people who were there just to receive in faith. I stayed for another 1/2 hour and then I left.

Walking back to the bus I was berating myself for the way I am always so sceptical of this kind of thing. What is this uneasy feeling that I seem to have around it all. Whenever I feel like this I always look to the universe for some kind of confirmation. To my immense relief I saw when I got out onto the street that the bus I needed to take me home was just about to pull up alongside. Filled with gratitude I took a minute out to thank the universe for this, that even though my mind was filled with doubt, that I was still being taken care of. It may seem strange to the reader but this tends to be how I gauge how well or not I am being true to myself. When life flows and things are working I know that I am being true to myself. When things change I ask myself where am I not being honest and/or authentic and if I sit with the question for long enough an answer will come and I can put in place the necessary measures to restore my integrity so that life will flow. In my experience when we are true to ourselves and others life can't but flow and be in harmony. It gets out of harmony when we are not being true to ourself or others.

So on balance, am I pleased that I made the effort to receive Darshan from Mother Meera today.....the jury is out......


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your experience. I liked the way you described your inner conflicts honestly. I'm going to receive darshan from Mother Meera this September in Washington D.C.

I wish you many many happy days,


Anonymous said...

Thank you for describing your feelings about your Darshan. You have helped tremendously.

I wish you love and peace,

Samih said...

Your honesty is appreciated and I can certainly relate while also being thankful that my doubts are much less intense. My belief is that if you only have 1% faith you will only feel 1% of the power. Don't be mad at yourself just keep building and things will go in the direction you want them to.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing, great info. I can't help but smile. I do have the same conflict in my mind, that's why I'm reading these blogs for confirmation.

That is my mind, but my heart say go. I seem to trust my heart more nowaday.

Anonymous said...

excellent story

Anonymous said...