Tuesday, 1 September 2009

It's been an amazing week in terms of ups and downs. Last Friday I started my training to be a leader for children and young people and from now on I have to be very careful about what I write about this training but I am so pleased that I have stayed steady with my choice to do it. I know that it's going to be the most intense few months of my life to date but I also know that out of it I will be a powerful leader for children and young people. I never like to share at the front of the room but on Friday I stood up and declared that this is what I was training for. I sat down and couldn't remember what I had said. It just seemed important somehow to find the courage to stand up and declare it in front of a room of 70 people. I was shaking when I sat down but was so glad that I had done it. I feel sure that with the help of the awakened energy there is within me that I have what it takes to make a difference to the lives of children and young people. All I have to do is to get myself out of the way.

My flatmate had some friends down for the bankholiday weekend and on Sunday night we watched 'The curious case of Benjamin Button' I was so struck by the way the story developed and the physical transition of beginning off with the physical appearance of an old man and the brain of a child ending with the physical appearance of a child with a brain suffering from dementia. I feel like that, that as I get older that I am getting younger both in appearance and in my thinking and attitude to life. Is this also what the energy does, does it make the consciousness more childlike and playful. There is definitely a shift in my consciousness towards being more childlike and it is showing itself in how well I get on with the children of my friends. It's such a fascinating process this whole thing.

There are occasions in my life where I receive an inner instruction which I simply have to obey. The first was to leave my job when I did and the second one was to train to be a leader for children. These instructions come to me in visual flashes and are different to the process I go through when choosing other actions. It is hard to write about the clarity of these flashes and their compelling nature. I have learned to distinguish these from others and act on these with surrender and complete confidence. For the first time in this training I have an empowering context that will keep me going when my identity wants me to quit. The guy from the gym is also doing this training with me which is ironic because I introduced him to the training a couple of years ago and he is now at the same level as me. This makes this an interesting dynamic for me because I have never done any training with someone who knows me outside of this training context. It introduces an emotional component which there hasn't been for me before. I saw him on Friday night for the first time in many months and there was both an ease and an anxiousness which I don't understand. I know that I was much more aware than I would have been at this training. He also pushed me to stand up and share which had an effect! So this is going to be an interesting six months. I will try to write as much as I can without breaking a policy but some may be cryptic.

I was also grateful anew to how my experience with kundalini has been so graceful when I spoke with a woman who had her kundalini awakened with very different effects. She has also published her story and she gave it to me to read on Friday night and when I had finished reading it I just looked at her in complete awe as to how she can be as grounded as she is given the intensity of the experience and what she went through. I don't know why I have been so lucky as to have had nothing but bliss, peace and calm from my experience of this energy and that is why I want to be the best leader that I can be. To be a great leader for me means me really being able to get into anothers world and for them to get their greatness. To see beyond the identity that wants to keep them small and unhappy to their soul which is waiting so patiently for the gifts it so wants to give. I know without a doubt that the training that I have started on is going to give me the tools for doing this.

Tonight I have my kundalini yoga and I am so excited. It seems hard to believe that I feel so comfortable with it given how I wrote in earlier blogs that I would never intentionally work with this energy and now I am looking at ways to continue it when the training means I have to travel and won't be around for the classes. On Sunday I was walking along the seafront and came across a stall that sold punjabi tops. Obeying a strong impulse I picked a white one from the hanger and held it against me. Up to now I have been doing the yoga gym clothes and it hasn't felt respectful. This was a long white respectable punjabi suit and I felt such a strong urge to buy it. I asked the man how much it was and he said £10. I haggled and said 'will you give it to me for £8. He said 'yes, for cash'. I looked in my purse and only had £5 in cash. We both stood there. I knew that I wanted that top. Then he looked at me and said 'I can see you are honest, if I give it to you for £5 will you come back next Sunday and given me the £3'. I looked at him straight in the eye and said 'yes, I promise I will come back the Sunday after next when I am here'. He took the top and put it into a bag and said 'I trust you'. I said 'you will see me again, took my bag and left. The friends I was with couldn't believe that he would have done that but I know the power of desire now and I was going to have that top no matter what it took so that I could work with the kundalini energy with respect. Aagh....this is completely barmy what is happening to me. Never did I think that I would get like this....

I am also lucky financially in that the tenants in my flat have said they like the energy of my flat and want to stay longer. I am so convinced that when our actions are in integrity that the universe provides everything that is needed. I have never felt so in integrity and as a result I am living a life which is so wonderful in every way....I have gratitude for this in every bone of my body.

I will write more because I have found a great coffee shop with free wi-fi that serves flatwhite coffee. I hadn't been able to find anywhere that served flatwhite coffee since I returned from Australia...so now.....my life is absolutely perfect!

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