I was both delighted and saddened to receive it. These days I feel him very close to me. The words that he said to me about 'if I could stop being so aggressive towards myself that there is no limit to what I could achieve' have been echoing around me for the past few days. If only he was still alive I could learn so much now that I have let go of all the aggressiveness I had towards myself. What allowed this letting go of the aggression I had towards myself was recognising that I held a wrong view about what it meant to be an adult. Shifting this view, ended my suffering and has given me the deep connection and relatedness I feel towards everyone no matter who they might be.
Today for the first time I found myself with time on my hands and started to wonder about life post this training course that I am doing. Once again I feel at a crossroads and I don't seem to have any clear indication of the way to go. I know that I am passionate about being a leader for children and young people and I am very close to achieving everything I need to complete the first part of this journey successfully but I don't have any idea how or where the next stage is going to be. I have also decided to play the game of finding a fulfilling and satisfying relationship this year. Up to now because of how stuck I was no man had a chance. Now I understand why relationships didn't work and why if I hadn't had the insight into how I formed a view which limited everything that was going to be possible with men every attempt was doomed to failure. All that is gone now and I just wanna play!
So....last night I joined a dating website....shock..horror as I have never rated this vehicle for finding one's soul mate very highly. I did join once and arranged to meet this guy in Leicester Square. When I reached Leicester Square there was this tall man standing in the middle of the square and all I saw was his black trench coat. As I was looking the wind blew and it lifted up his trench coat so that he looked like Dracula and I just wanted to run. Needless to say after that the evening wasn't the most successful. He had a list of qualities that he wanted a potential partner to have and as he was saying 'I want this and I want that' my inner voice was having a rant saying 'I want the exit'!
Afterwards I got on the tube and vowed to myself 'never again' but one thing I have noticed is that whenever I have said 'never' it's never been never so these days I am very careful not to state anything definite in any area of life because there is nothing definite in life except taxes and death. So back to my story about my new foray into the world of internet dating. I registered on this site and am much better this time in terms of having a photo which I didn't have for the last one. I steeled myself to be disciplined to write something enticing and mysterious in my profile but when I read it I thought it sounded boring. However it had taken me almost an hour to write it so I left it.
In my new mood of action in this area I then sought out the search button and saw all the drop down menus of the kind of man that I want. Shifting my inner moan to inner curiousity I put in some requirements and then hit search. The computer did its thing for a minute or so and then came up a list of eligibles. I quickly scanned the list put my beady eye on two and pinged off two emails. Got up expectantly this morning to find a message inbox that gleefully pronounced 'you have no new messages in your inbox'. Now I'm wondering if dating is an age thing. As you get older it gets more difficult to meet someone. Doesn't the world know that now I am ready. That I have come out of my self-imposed celibacy. Where is everybody......
But all is not lost. There are a group of us singles on the training course I am doing who like me are creating the perfect relationship for this year and we are all going to get together to plan events and hold each other to account for promises we make of things we are going to do to create the relationship. The relationship is only going to come by action not by me sitting in my room and navel gazing!
So my dear readers can't promise that this blog is going to be purely spiritual over the next few months cos I'm about to have some fun out in the world....
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