Today was a sad day.....

Back to my old habits in terms of not getting up early to meditate. I set the clock and woke up when it rang. I was awake. But then I climbed back into bed thinking 'I'll meditate in bed this morning, I can do that. I understand the nature of resistance now. Yeah...right...the next thing I knew it was 7.30am! Also how little time resistance takes to reformulate itself into being something more subtle. It won by persuading me that I could meditate in bed. How frustrating is this path. It feels like I go two steps forward to go three back. But I was determined not to give myself a hard time and so I put on some dance music to lift my mood.



I walked to work and as usual. Walking in nature brings such calm and ease to me. Nature is for me like pouring oil on troubled water. I am so relaxed when I'm with nature. When I go home to visit my family in Ireland there is a mountain close to where I live. I often go there and will sit on some stones and look out and the view is as far as the eye can see. There is often nobody there but I never feel alone. In contrast to how I can be in a room filled with people and feel so alone like I did this evening.



I managed to sort everything out at work. It was quite amazing that everything got done in a very calm and organised way. And something I am not usually is calm and organised. There is a risk in giving work over to be covered. The most obvious one is that mistakes will be found. It is OK after one has left but I intend to return even though I know deep down that it is not the right environment for me. Before I saw resistance in a different way I was finding it difficult at work. Everything was a struggle and I lived in fear of being found out. A right brained woman doing a left brain job is bound to be found out sooner or later. I don't structure or organise things like most people do. No two of us work in the same way so the way I managed my committees is not the same as the way another programme manager would.



Even though I am dreading this operation because of how awkward everything is bound to be it seems to be the right thing to be doing because everything is flowing around it. Let's hope that the surgeon's knife is also flowing in the right way on Monday morning.



I came home and changed and went out to a friends leaving party who going to live in the country. The pub where we were to meet was at South Bank which is on the banks of the Thames. It was an absolutely beautiful evening and the lights of London together with the stillness and calmness of the Thames was lovely. I found the restaurant and went in to find my friend. She was there with a mixture of friends from work, her yoga class, old room mates. I knew a couple of people to see and that was it. I went to the bar to buy her a drink and she introduced me to a couple of guys that she worked with. I find first introductions nerve racking. The usual questions came thick and fast, 'what do I do, where do I live, how do I know the girl whose leaving do it was'. I always answer honestly but because I am not brilliant at witty repartee, it all goes a bit flat. My men guards who are sleeping in front of me rob me of every ounce of humour and wit. I didn't mind because I wasn't attracted to them. But then again attraction and me seem to repel each other.



I left and sat with some other people. The conversations were short and varied immensely. There was no decent discussion about anything important. Even the short conversations on yoga weren't stimulating. I tried to use the 'it is the way it is' line of reasoning but that did nothing to still the boredom and also the loneliness because even though I was surrounded by people I felt horribly alone.



After a while I said my apologies and left. Walking back over the bridge to catch the tube I felt a deep pang of loneliness and then the words of another Elvis Presley from his Gospel CD came into my mind. It sounds crazy but I felt like I was being serenaded. The words were 'and He walked with me, and He talked with me, and He told me I was his own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, no-one has ever known'. The words came through so clear and strong. It wasn't as though I was thinking 'what song do I know to cheer me up'. I wasn't thinking anything like this. I was aware of a sudden pang and then the words of this song came through.



I was filled with the deepest contentment and gratitude which once again welled up from deep within. I don't consider myself to be a good saintly person so why are these experiences happening to me. I am so ordinary. What I have always had though is a kind of child like faith in spiritual writings. To be child-like is not the same as childish. Child-like is to see the joy and wonder in every aspect of life, the small as well as the big. It is about being in the present without being caught in either the past or future. It is making time to stop and really attend to things so that they become more than they seem to be. I will give nature as an example of what I mean. When I stop and attend which means become present to the leaves on a tree, it seems like the leaves expand and come out to meet me. When this happens there are no thoughts, there's simply a deep connection.



The fact that I have no visual component to any of these experiences may make it read somewhat limiting but this by far the case. These experiences fill me and nurture me like nothing else. The also result in a depth of wisdom and underststanding. I do not say knowledge because knowledge is of the mind. The connections that are made are made at a Soul level. What I understand is that the connection is there all the time and always but my access to it is sporadic. A permanent connection requires one to be constantly mindful and aware of this connection.



I remember when I was in boarding school. The same priest who gave the distinction between spiritual and religious also said in his sermon that day. He said 'you boarders, each morning you wake up you say, 'good God it's morning', why don't you say 'good morning God'. I don't know whether it was the rhythm that the words made in the sentence but I really took it on. Every morning and evening for years, they were my first words 'good morning God in the morning and good night God at night'. I can't record any results from doing this in terms of anything to keep me doing but I did it all the time. Then one morning I woke up and after I said 'good morning' I had this thought 'who am I to be hassling God like this. I'm assuming He wants to hear from me' and out of the shame of my arrogance I stopped doing this. I felt that just saying good morning and good night was too irreverent. That maybe I should be down on my knees praying for hours which is something I have never done. Stopping this practice this left me feeling empty. At the time I was studying Mahayana Buddhism and I have a white marble Buddha on my shelf. I turned to that instead of God.



Weeks went by and I noticed that when I saw books claiming to have a connection with God I would get angry and think 'how can this person claim this'. This was particularly strong with the Conversations with God books. I thought it was arrogant in the extreme. I have already mentioned the book by Eileen Caddy called 'God spoke to me'. I guess what lay behind it was that I didn't want to believe that He would talk to others and not to me'. It's funny but I never felt that towards the book 'Mister God this is Anna'. There is something about the simplicity and directness of the title of that book that open and honest.



At this time I worked for Alternatives in London on their book stall as a volunteer every Monday night. The book Conversations with God was there. I would look at it each week with always the same thought towards the author 'how can you be so arrogant'. One week the director came over to the book stall, he picked up Conversations with God book 1 and said to me. 'Have you read this'. I replied 'every week I come here and look at that book, I am drawn to it but also think that it's an incredibly arrogant title'. He then picked up the book gave it to me me and 'said here you are it's a present'. This was amazing because in all the time I worked there that had never happened. I thanked him and brought it downstairs for safe keeping.



I began reading it going home on the tube when the evening had finished. It was gripping stuff. Contained in those pages are all the mysteries of life recorded so simply. But it was on page 60 where I found the message for me in the book. It says 'Think you that God cannot laugh? Do you imagine that God does not enjoy a good joke? Is it your knowing that God is without humour? I tell you, God invented humour. Must you speak in hushed tones when you speak to Me?. It goes on some more like this but the message to me in these lines was clear. Being irreverent is not displeasing to God. I find sometimes when I am reading that lines or words if they have a special message will resonate loudly in my mind when I read them. I will also remember these words. This takes some awareness to pick out from everything that is written words that act as catalysts for our own journey.



The fact that I don't have a teacher or guru means that I am particularly alert and watchful for messages that come for me from the universe. The three main drivers for me on this path are my inner voice, people and books. I don't have a teacher because many years I was involved with what I now would say was a sect. It was a branch of Buddhism which was said to have originated in Japan called Mushindokai. I joined this firstly for Yoga and Kempo which is Chinese kick boxing and then for Buddhism. I knew who the head of the organisation was but I had never met him. One day I was invited to a party where he was going to be. I agreed to go. From the moment I was introduced to him there was something that didn't feel right. To me he was so belittling to the people who sat at his feet. If anyone challenged him he cut them right down. I was confused. This man was head of a Buddhist organisation where was his qualities of wisdom and compassion. To me all he had was a sterile intellect which I wouldn't even call wisdom.



I understand that the job of a teacher or guru is to go head to head with the ego personality and I accept this. But to me it seemed to be a making small and belittling of his students who to me were the most dedicated and conscientious group of people I had ever met. I felt uncomfortable feeling this towards the head of this organisation. It didn't matter how many times we met after that my feelings never changed. I was with this organisation for all of the time I was involved with Mahayana Buddhism which was nine years. During those nine years I left three times. I also began to voice my concern at the lack of Buddhist qualities being shown by this man. This led to me being attacked verbally by the students. The fault being attributed to my over-extended ego.



Eventually I couldn't stand the tension anymore and I left permanently. I heard later that the the organisation had folded due to certain allegations being made against its head. I felt so deeply for those students who had invested so much trust in him and I vowed that I would not have a teacher or guru. I have the answers within me all I need is the access to get them. This thinking has stayed with me. I recognise that there are people who have more wisdom than me and I will go to their lectures. I will listen carefully and humbly but then I will go within and see whether what I have heard fits with either my own experience or backs up what has been written about through the ages. This is way I have progressed on this path.......

I work with the best people...

Today was a day spent handing over my work to colleagues who are going to cover for me for the time I am recovering from the operation on my foot. The willingness with which they took it and the concern they have showed to me has deepened my conviction that the Soul is active. Last night I created the possibility of fun and freedom around the operation and life afterwards. I realised that my way of being before I created this possibility was inauthentic. It was a way that was based on voicing fear and uncertainty. It was not truth, but aimed solely to get sympathy from others and for them to reassure me.

The truth is that I don't want this reassurance but I pretended I did. When I saw this there was no beating myself up just the thought 'OK so that's what I was doing, now give it up and create something authentic and powerful'. That's when I created a way of being for myself that is fun and freedom for the next couple of months. When we own our pretence and give it up, then in the space created and the energy that is freed up much more is possible. It takes a lot of digging though to get to this point. I genuinely thought that I was afraid and uncertain but when I examined it and looked at it honestly, I'm not. I acted like this to get the attention and sympathy of others and it is that pretence that had to be given up to enable something greater and more powerful to arise.

This morning I did what I said I would do which was to get up when the mobile alarm went and meditate. What I wrote about the So'ham meditation in my last blog entry was the first thing that came into my mind. I decided to meditate on that. There is something powerful about saying words the mind doesn't understand the meaning of. I wish I could record great explosions of colour or unique insights, the truth is that I can't. I experienced some of the usual frustrations until I heard those authoritative words 'just sit' and that's what I did for 45 mins. It is difficult to explain the nature of this voice. I remember once speaking about this to a psychologist and the more I spoke the more confused he looked until I said about my 'inner voice'. He then sat bolt upright and said eagerly to me 'you hear voices'. I laughed and said 'not like that'. I knew exactly what he was getting at. On hearing this he slumped back dejectedly against his seat.

Eileen Caddy who co-founded the Findhorn community in Scotland claimed to receive guidance from an 'inner voice'. She even wrote a book called 'God spoke to me'. This is a collection of short essays that she claimed to receive through this inner voice. Her inner voice seemed to be a writer, mine is not that free flowing. Maybe that's my rational mind under the influence of my ego personality, not being willing to give up control and write from the formless realm. Sometimes I do but I am aware that it is not often enough. I think what happens is that I read over what I have written and think 'where did that come from, I didn't know that I knew that' and that can be quite scary. Yet deep down I did know it. If I didn't know it I couldn't have written it. It is the perennial wisdom that we all have within us. It is the wisdom of the ages and it lies burried waiting to be re-discovered.

I worked late again tonight and walking home I caught the sunlight in between the leaves and the bark of a tree. I have never seen anything so beautiful and I took a minute to drink it in. I am convinced that nature is the form of the Divine. Everytime we take the time to attend and appreciate some aspect of nature it is honouring the Divine through nature. Each time I do this I feel so close to what I can only call 'something'. I wish in some ways I had the conviction that Eileen Caddy had that her voice was 'God'. For me that doesn't feel right yet there is 'something'. That something is formless, more of an energy that is within. I am aware that my vocabulary is so limited when it comes to giving form in the shape of words to convey this experience. The experience feels like being wrapped in a warm electric blanket. I can see now that whatever darkness I was in has lifted. Everything seems so much brighter, sharper, luminous even than what it was before.

There are definite dark forces on the spiritual path. Not like the concept of the devil caricatured with horns and holding a pitchfork. But there are forces that do not want the transformation from human to spiritual. The kingdom of the human is characterised by inner conflict. When this inner conflict reaches a crescendo then shift happens. I see the resistance that is inherently part of being human as part of that force. It has power until it is seen and accepted and then it changes its form and is not as powerful. It is still there but the recognition and ownership of it has made it real.

When it is made real and brought into consciousness it no longer dominates from the shadows of the subconscious. It's funny how it seems to be words of songs that come into my mind when I am writing this blog. Into my mind has come the words from Chris de Burghs famous song Spanish Train the words are: 'The Lord and the devil are playing chess, the devil still cheats and wins more souls, and as for the Lord, well he's just doing his best'. I remember when I was a teenager playing this song over and over again. I knew that there was something important burried in it but I didn't know what but the fascination was there.

Now to something totally different.....tomorrow will be a strange day for me. It is my last day at work. I have my operation on Monday morning. I have rarely been sick and so for me to 'sick' for 8 weeks is something completely new. When I return to work my team will have moved floor. The seating allocation will probably be on a first come first served basis so the chances of me finding a desk by the window are probably small. But the layout of the floor is different in that there are no high overhead lockers blocking the view. So it's not as important to have a desk by the window.

I think I'll sign off there for tonight....

Human is to Life....what Divine is to God.....

Woke up to my mobile alarm this morning at 4.30am and without any resistance jumped out of bed. Now I don't know whether the reason I move so fast now is that I don't even want to feel it even though it is natural. I knew that I was going to the gym to my cycle class so I didn't do any meditation. Instead I read some more of the diaries and letters of Etty Hillesum and once again was in awe of her ruthless self-honesty. I saw something more though, I also saw the part that knowing that she was definitely going to die played in the intensity and focus of her writing. The knowledge of impending death is a wonderful focus for the mind and the creative energies.

I got everything ready for the gym and set off. I still don't have a car so I set off walking. There is something so wonderful walking around when everywhere is so still and quiet. To have a whole street to myself, only my footprint making a mark on the pavement. It reminded me of how I feel every New Years Eve. I feel like I am standing at the top of a mountain path that is covered by snow. The snow is pristine and pure. At the end of the year that path will have my footprints. This feels clumsy to write when the picture of what I am trying to convey is so clear in my mind.

I arrived at the gym and there was nobody else there. It was a lovely warm balmy morning and I was struck again by how much I love Autumn. The changing colours of the leaves. They appear to be at their most beautiful just before they die. I was aware that all of these leaves that are breathtaking in their beauty now will have died and been blown away come the middle of winter. This is nature's way. Nature doesn't put up any resistance to the natural cycles why should I or indeed anyone. The life cycle of the human on its evolutionary path to the spiritual also has these cycles and yet for some reason we often rail against them, wishing that they could be something different. But why should this be. Natural laws are just that natural laws that govern everything.

I love these kinds of insights because they come from a very deep place in me. I don't think they are from the mind because there is no debate associated with them. There is only a deep and secure knowing. It is one thing to know something from the mind, quite another to know it from the Soul. I see this journey from human to spiritual as happening in three stages.

The first stage is concerned with what Socrates famously said 'Know thyself' - this is what I do when I analyse every thought, action, reaction I have. It is the discovering of the ego personality. The emphasis is on the 'Know' it doesn't say, resist, change, judge, just 'know'. The empasis on 'THY -SELF' is to indicate that it is individual. It is referring to the personality and comprises the physical body, emotions, feeling and thoughts and ideas, also action. All of this is involved in 'knowing thyself'

The second stage is to do with 'knowing THE Self'. After a certain time spent knowing yourself the energy will shift and there will be some kind of unitary experience which will result in a knowing of THE SELF. This is not an easy stage to write about. The tools for getting to this stage are not as clear cut as for the first stage. But the ability to reach this second stage depends on how deep and thorough the work at the first stage is. Jesus understood this stage when he said 'do onto others as you would like to be done onto you'. He realised that there is no separation between him and others. At the second stage you see the unity that underlies the appearance of separation.

The third stage is 'Know THE ONE' this is the stage if it doesn't sound egotistical that I am working towards. It is the wisdom that is experienced when the Witness that maintains separation has dissolved and there is complete and total absorption in THE ONE. I do not know the form THE ONE has. I don't label it God because for me God is to the Divine what the human is to life.

Let me explain. Human is to life means that we as humans exist through life. Life is the playground for the human. The Divine exists through God. God is an acronym for the process through which the Divine experiences human existence. I spoke in an earlier blog about the Divine creating humans from itself in order to experience. That which creates cannot also experience. So Divine experiences through God. The process is one by which a form is G -Generated - so a form comes into the world, be it a baby or something in nature, next is O - operation - that form has a certain life expectancy and will have a certain number of experiences and then finally D - that form will die. So I will never refer to God in the traditional way beause that is not how it appears to me. The Divine uses G_O_D_to experience life as a human.

The gym class went really well. I thoroughly enjoyed it and said goodbye to everyone. I was struck by the depth of warmth and well wishes for my operation and I left feeling so happy and contented with life. It is only now that I can see how for the last couple of months I have been in a dark place. I tried to convey some of it in some of the blog entries where I spoke about finding thing difficult at work. All that has shifted and I am once again feeling so well able to cope. It seems ironic that now when I feel so full of energy, insights and intuitions that I am going to be forced to slow down and not do much at all for eight weeks. Eight weeks of deepening into the formless realm. Eight weeks without the struture I have said is so important to me for balance. It is going to be an interesting challenge for me.

After the gym I walked to walk and when I got into work I heard the news that the wife of a work colleague had had a baby girl and I was once again in awe of the magical process of creation and of another aspect of the Divine which wants to experience through her coming into the world. I sat down at my desk and the view from my 9th floor window of the trees with their different coloured leaves totally took my breath away. I gave thanks for having the presence to allow it to move me. Then I got on with my day.

It was so busy and while it was much better than many other days it is for me a left brained environment and in spite of what the nueroscientists tell me I consider myself to be a right brained person living in a left brained world. What I write about comes from the right side of the brain. As a result left brained tasks take me longer to do than they do for other people. It's like I can see a document with a number and then 2 hours later the same document by another route will come in and I will think it's a different document and waste time dealing with it. Then I will be annoyed with myself when I discover that it's the same document. I don't have a natural aptitude for figures and spreadsheets and graphs. In fact to be honest my eyes glaze over at the mention of spreadsheets so to be in the job I am does not make any sense. But in the areas of communication and being a team player I am really there and authentic in this.

I worked late trying to get everything sorted for when I am away. Came home and then I had a call from a person from my group at the Landmark seminar. It is quite amazing speaking with people who have been involved with this work for a long time. It was a lady and she has worked with Landmark for over 20 years. She told me that she was in awe of the work they did and I can see this completely. It is an organisation that cares passionately about the transformation of human being and this is something I also care passionately about. I can think of no better purpose to have in life than to be the cause of transformation in another. Nobody can give transformation to another. Each one has to do it for themselves. The work has to be put in each for themselves, there is no way around it. For the stage of 'knowing yourself' nothing will do this quicker and more effectively than the Landmark training.

The other 2 stages will depend on dare I say it...past karma and one's own desire without attachment to achieve this state. As I said Landmark is not a spiritual programme it uncovers the elements of what it means to be human and then transforms them so that they work in a more powerful way. Realising that everything is connected and going to the source of that connection I think is by a different route. But the training is a necessary first step on this path. The ego personality is adept at not allowing into consciousness the level of ruthless self-honesty which is required for the first stage to be passed.

That's about it from me for now....my intention for the rest of the week is to rise early meditate, read and write...let's see how I get on!

The difference when you know......

What a difference understanding that resistance is part of human nature has made to today. When my mobile alarm went off at 4.30am I got up straight away without any inner conflict or turmoil. In the past I never accepted this resistance. It was always something I felt I should be strong enough to overcome. Now I have accepted that it is part and parcel of who I am. Today I felt it many times but instead of getting frustrated I just thought 'oh that's frustration, a natural part of me'. And in that acceptance the resistance melted away. I'm reminded of the words of a Simon and Garfunkel song that says 'hello darkness my old friend'. Well I'm going to adapt that and say 'hello resistance my old friend. This is a completely different way for me to look at this. It's also in line with the Buddhist idea of Ahimsa or non-violence. The old way I looked at resistance and didn't want it was aggressive and violent and not surprisingly this is why it persisted and got stronger the more I berated myself for having the resistance.



I worked late tonight to try to get everything ready for handing over to my work colleagues. Walking home I felt this huge surge of contentment well up from deep within me. This was strange because I was walking on the street. I wasn't consciously connecting with anything and yet this contentment just oozed up through me. It was the loveliest warmest feeling ever and it has convinced me even more that there is 'something'. I never have a vision so I can't paint a picture, all I can do is convey what these kind of experiences feel like.


Walking home I was also thinking about how all the newspapers are filled with the story of the disappearance of little Madelaine McCann and the finger of suspicion that is being pointed at her parents. This for me is a significant turning point. It reminds me of when Holly and Jessica (I cannot remember their surnames) went missing and were killed by a known paedophile. The circumstances are different but they both resulted in great shock. A shock stops the mind working for a few vital seconds. I was always struck by the fact that Holly was blonde and Jessica was dark and they lived in a village called Soham. Immediately it struck me as the light and the dark. So'ham also means 'I AM' . It can be used as a meditation mantra and the faith is that one day you will hear a voice that says 'Ham Sa', AM THAT which is believed to be the Divine answering the call. I can't vouch for this because it is not something I have experience of.


If it does turn out that Gerry and Kate McCann have been involved in the disappearance of their daughter then I am sure that this will mark another turning point for human consciousness. The ego personality hates to feel that it has been deceived. Many people are not able to sit comfortably with knowing they have been deceived. There is an interesting spiritual lesson in this whole saga. As a test keep aware of your own reactions to news as it changes its focus. It has nothing to do with the news and everything to do with our own reaction. Our own reactions can tell us so much if we are alert and humble enough to put the work in to be vigilant and honest. The mind requires shock to shift. The more intense the shock the more the mind will shift. I believe that this is the sole purpose for tragedies of this nature. The planes flying into the World Trade Centres. That shifted the consciousness of humanity to a completely new level although it may not seem like it. I believe that events like this are serving to shift the consciousness from the human kingdom to the spiritual kingdom. These events serve to unite. Whether that is in compassion or disbelief and anger. There is a coming together a joining together of that which appears separate.


This illusion of separation is seen everywhere. I remember when I was a child being fascinated by the segments of an orange. Each segment is separate but they are all joined together at the base. For some reason this used to always fascinate me.


I intend to get to bed early tonight because I want to go to my group cycling class tomorrow morning and I have been on the move since 4.30am. I am not tired but I recognise the importance of sleep. It will be my last cycle class for three months and so I want to give it everything I've got. This is why this blog entry will be short. I do hope that I haven't offended anyone by anything I have written. As I frequently say these are only ideas, not the truth, neither are they right or wrong. I realise how risky writing like this. It is alright for Etty Hillesum, she is dead. It must be easier writing when you know that you have no intention of anyone reading the writing until after you have shuffled off this mortal coil. I am still alive and sometimes feel that the level of raw vulnerability I show is too much for someone living. Still, it is what I feel I am called to do. Why is not for me to probe.

Second morning in a row.....

This morning I pushed through that second booming voice urging me to sleep when my mobile alarm clock went off at 4.30am. I sat down to meditate and this morning the time went by so quickly. I don't think that I fell asleep on my stool, I was aware that I came close to it once or twice. There is a fine line between meditating and sleeping particularly when the state of separation is still there.

I also got up early to do my homework for the seminar that I have now decided a foot operation is not going to prevent me from doing. I noticed that I had really strong resistance to doing the homework. I found all kinds of reasons to do it. What we had to do wasn't difficult. It was to write down everything that is in our cupboards. For some reason I put up such a battle. The mind said 'you don't want to do that, what about all those nice books on your shelf to read' and I would close the cupboard and once again find refuge in a spiritual book. But why? refuge from what? Those who know me know that I make no secret of the fact that I don't cook or do anything 'domestic'.

What I discovered when I was firm this morning and pushed through the resistance was the amount of stuff I had that was out of date. Tins of all kinds of processed food dating back to 2001. I was quite amazed and what I saw was that my dread of the kitchen is because somewhere I knew that all this clutter was there. It was there and I wouldn't look at it or deal with it. I palmed if off with the belief 'I'm spiritual, I don't do domestic! With the clarity that comes with insight I saw how I have been using the spiritual to opt out of life. I warned about this in an earlier blog entry and thought that I had dealt with it earlier. Doing that simple exercise I saw such a lot about myself that was hidden to my view. I got together five black bin bags of out of date stuff and at the end I felt so free and liberated.

The resistance to do this assignment was strong because what was on the other side of that resistance was just as strong. Now I am no longer afraid of my kitchen. It will be a place I will love to spent time in instead of it being a space where I spend as little time as I can. I will also learn to cook. It is interesting that I started an Indian cookery course and left it after only three classes. Of course I had perfectly good reasons for doing this. But this was not honest. The truth was that I was resisting it and instead of owning this resistance, I put an acceptable face on it by justifying it.

You will always know if an insight is true because the effect on the body. When I saw what the contents of my cupboard said and the impact of this on my life, I immediately saw this relates to the roller coaster relationship I have with food, this seeing had an immediate effect. First there was disbelief that I had yet again been duped. And yet the pull of the spiritual is powerful. It is powerful in its own right and delivers its own experiences but it's not at the expense of being effective in normal everyday matters such as keeping a kitchen and being comfortable and confident to cook. I had been running an ego inflation that went like 'you're spiritual, you don't need to bother about all of that'. This is nothing less than the ego inflation that I have written about extensively. How ironical is that. I'm writing about something that had its grip around my neck.

But the gratitude I feel that I have been able to see this is so immense. As I walked through the park to work this morning and I was in awe of what I had realised. So much about the way I am seems to slot into place. I think the difficulty I have with relationships has to do with this ego inflation of being spiritual and therefore above all of that! As I write this I am suddenly reminded of a Sufi parable which I would like to adapt for this blog in the light of what I have recently discovered.

'A thirsty dog came to a well, looked into it and jumped back in fright at what he thought was another dog in the water. Many times the dog returned to the well and behaved the same way when it looked into the water and saw what it thought was another dog. Eventually the desire for water overcame the resistance, the dog jumped into the well and the other dog disappeared'. If I was to apply this to my experience, it is possible to see resistance as the shadow dog reflected in the water, push through it and on the other side there is nothing but freedom. I hope this makes what I am saying clearer.

I arrived at work so happy but also somewhat apprehensive. I had to tell my boss about the date for the surgery on my foot being brought forward to next Monday. I know that it is short notice for her to arrange cover for all of my work. She came in and we had a chat. It was as I thought, that it was short notice. We agreed that I would call the hospital and ask for a surgery slot the next Monday 24 September. Back at my desk I berated myself for not asking for this date when I was being interviewed for my pre-assessment. I knew deep down that one week was too short notice and yet I said nothing. Now I have to re-arrange.

My resistance has also been so powerful in this process because I haven't wanted to have this surgery. It acted itself out when I requested some statistics for the successes and failures of the surgeon who is to do this operation. My resistance hoped that by doing this the surgeon might refuse to take me on. When I saw this, I immediately called and tried to cancel the email I had written requesting this information. But it was too late and has set in train events which I hope does not mean that my operation on Monday does not get cancelled. I could not get it re-arranged so at the moment it's all planned for Monday.

My day at work even though it was mad busy was so good. What I discovered earlier that morning was like an accelerator for everything. From that discovery of resistance I could see how strong it has been in many aspects of my life.

This evening I went to the second session of my seminar. My resistance to all of this work has been so strong. The form it takes for me is to be tired. I remember one training module especially when I could barely keep my eyes open. This bothered me because I am not usually that tired. The minute I walked into the lecture room such strong waves of tiredness came over me and I could hardly function. I would listen to the trainer through a fog of tiredness. The education is all to do with gaining power, freedom and self-expression both for oneself and others. One evening I was out for a drink with a friend who was doing the training with me and saw how tired I was. She said to me 'why are you afraid of power'. Astonished I replied 'I'm not afraid of power'. She persisted by saying 'well there's something about you and power'. Again I replied 'I'm not afraid of power'. We changed the subject and moved onto something else.

I have made no secret that I consider myself to be on a spiritual path which for me means having the humility to listen and think about messages that come to me from the universe through others. I thought about it when I went home, all day on Saturday, there was no insights. Sunday morning I woke up and immediately saw what she was getting at. I was afraid of power. I saw that I had a lot of power when I was a child because of a father who favoured me more than my mother or brothers. I could get Daddy to do things that none of the others could. What I saw though was how this hurt my mum and brothers and I saw how I decided when I was very young 'being special is bad, power is bad' and I decided never to have any power. Wow, this insight really rocked my world. I saw its impact in how I never pursued anything to excellence. I was afraid of the power it might have brought, I didn't have relationships because I was afraid of the power. I believed that I couldn't be trusted with power so kept myself small and down all my life because of that. And all the while the spiritual side of me was growing because I turned away from all aspirations of power (if that makes any sense).

When I saw this I took back this power that I had turned my back on as a young child. I created a future for myself of power with people and not over people and the moment I did that I felt something move in me. Since then I have never had the same degree of tiredness. I realised that the tiredness was the resistance that did not want me to once again access the power that I have a right to have. Now when I experience feeling tired, I will always ask myself 'what am I resisting'. But resisting does not go away, it just goes away to reform. So while I no longer get tired my reasons and justifications for things is just another form of resistance albeit more subtle. I was suffering early on in the education because I was resisting against an avenue for power and there was a huge battle going on. This battle goes on within everyone of us each and every day. There is nothing wrong. It is the design of 'Human'.

Wow, at my seminar this evening I learned something that has once again shifted everything. I learned that resistance is not personal! This is a huge relief for me because each time my resistance won I used to beat myself up for not being stronger. The truth is that resistance is inherent in the design of human. It has nothing to do with how strong or not my willpower is. Resistance is and always will be for as long as I am living in the human condition. I have found this so freeing.

For some bizarre reason I thought that being as 'spiritual as I think I am!' I shouldn't have resistance. I should be able to jump out of bed every morning without any resistance because of how much I have been given'. I felt that me feeling and giving into the resistance was a sign of ingratitude for everything spiritual I have been given. This upset me because I am nothing but grateful and saw my inability to be stronger than this resistance to be personal. To really get that it's universal and no matter how far I progress spiritually it is going to be there has lifted me no end.

Going home last night on the tube I kept repeating like a mantra 'it's not personal'. I can apply this to all of the areas where I feel resistance and then move through it gracefully without feeling that it's this monumental mountain that I have to fight my way through.... I have only attended two of these seminar sessions and already I have got so much out of it. What I have to do is to share with others because this kind of transformation, of thinking about the familiar in a new way does not live until it is shared. A way which is empowering and not limiting lives and flourishes when it is shared. Until it is spoken it remains an idea, a thought. In the sharing the insight becomes real and powerful.

I'm going to bed with a heart that feels it is going to burst with gratitude....goodnight world!

Another frustrating Sunday.....

I made myself get up this morning at 5am when the mobile alarm went off. It was a struggle. There is always that tiny voice that says 'get up' and then immediately it's drowned out by another which booms out 'don't bother, go back to sleep'. The consequences for me when I do not listen to the first voice are extreme. Both in terms of my frame of mind and also in what I make happen out there in the universe.

I was determined not to have another morning like yesterday morning when it felt so right to go back to sleep but was so wrong when I eventually did wake up. When I say right and wrong I don't mean in the moral sense. I mean it in a sense of being right in that I am effective and in a calm state of mind. Although this is paradoxical because my overall demeanour is calm it is only in my mind that the storm rages when I allow myself to sleep in. I know how inconsistent I am when it comes to listening to the inner voice early in the morning when my consciousness has not yet woken up fully.

I got up and read some more of the writing of Etty Hillisum and once again found the closeness in the style of writing that I have spoken about in a couple of these blog entries. I then had the thought to meditate so with a great flourish I produced my shawl, dug around in a box for some matches. Had a go at myself for putting used matches back into the match box. This resulted in not having any fresh match to light the candle with. I retrieved my meditation stool from the corner of the room, wrapped my shawl around my shoulders and began to meditate. The mantra that I find works best for me these days is to say 'just this'. I say 'just' on the in-breath and 'this' on the outbreath.

This works in terms of focussing my mind but it doesn't have any effect in producing that state of complete absorption that I long for. The Witness is ever there, watching, ensuring that the separation persists. Occasionally I will sense I am slipping into a different state and then my mind will go 'is this it' and immediately wherever it was I thought I was going, I'm no longer going there. Then I have a couple of moments of frustration until I once again remember my mantra 'just this' and accept that what is there is exactly what is meant to be there.

What is the key to knowing whether or not a meditation has been successful? This is something I have always wanted to know. It's like everyone says 'oh yes I meditate but that's it'. I never hear 'and this is what it's like for me' , before I meditate I'm like this and afterwards I''m like that'. Has it served its purpose if it creates calm and ease or should it lead to insights and intuitions that move the spiritual understanding forward? I remember many years ago when I first began to study Mahayana Tibetan Buddhism I joined a study class that met in Campden in North London every Sunday evening. The evening would begin with a meditation and I would sit there with the others but I found it impossible to even sit quietly then! I would spend my time looking around me at all the books on the shelves in the room or the guitar which was propped up in a corner of the room. Then I would steal a glance at the others and they all seemed to be somewhere denied to me.

After the meditation I would always be the first to break the silence with some stupid inane comment that would be greeted with a stony stare from the teacher who was leading the evening. I was always dying to ask, 'what happens for you when you are meditating' but I never dared. It seemed to be this big secret that nobody talked about. Pretty soon though I forgot about all this when we immersed ourselves in the study of some Buddhist text. Then I was so happy, my intellect had an outlet and I loved teasing out what the meanings of certain sentences might be.

Looking back at how much I understood of what was being studied, it was like I understood at an intuitive level but not at a level that I could give back to people in a way they would understand. I would go 'yeah' and the others would look at me expectantly and then my mind would be blank! I had the meaning for a split second then it was gone..major frustration. The beginning of this path is characterized by much confusion. For me it has taken the form of being attracted to some guy and building up all these fantasies about him and then not taking opportunities when they present themselves and then beating myself up. This has tended to be the unrelenting exhausting pattern.

The situation I am currently facing in the gym with a guy is an exact replica of what went on when I was studying with this Buddhist group so many years ago. I began a fantasy about this guy who was at a more advanced level in Buddhist teachings. He was also witty and funny and I used to spend my week waiting for Sunday evening. All week I would fantasise about what I would say and how it would all go and then Sunday evening would arrive and nothing would go the way I wanted it to. I would sabotage every opportunity to move something onto another level and then beat myself up driving home. The fantasy would then begin again for the next week. Can you imagine just how exhausting and confusing all of this was. I'm surprised that I didn't kill myself driving home because my mind was still back in that room in Camden, and my mind was berating myself for having left so there was precious little attention left for concentrating on the road!

Fast forward many years and I find the exact same thing happening with this guy at the gym. I fantasise about how it's going to be and it's never like that and then I spend the rest of Sunday beating myself up. Now instead of it being Sunday evening, it's now Sunday morning aagh....

I have said in my profile that the journey of spiritual transformation goes in cycles. Looking back I see how the turmoil that was created with my fantasy about the Buddhist teacher that never came to anything was keeping my mind and body in a state of tense alertness. I know that may sound implausible but it is how it appeared to me. Its purpose which I see now but did not see then was to make the mind turbulent and uncertain because then growth can happen. There is no growth in a mind that is certain. All of the mental beating up of myself that I did because I didn't do this; say that; behave like that; all of this stops the mind from being certain and thus complacent. At the end of the last cycle I had a movement of energy from the base of my spine during a meditation retreat in Southern England which shifted and changed everything. That experience is the reason for this blog.

Now I consider this to be the second cycle and once again I have a fantasy with a guy that happens every Sunday and never comes to anything. Today I had the ideal opportunity to speak to him on his own but what happens, my legs get a life of their own and I find myself leaving the gym studio with a curt 'bye'. These men guards who do not want me to have a relationship just picked up my legs and walked off with them. And then true to form I beat myself up for the rest of the day. The minute I am out of the gym, the fantasy kicks in and I begin to plan again how next Sunday will be oh so different. In the same ultra exhausting scenario as years ago with the Buddhist teacher.

Strange as it may read I have faith that it is like this for a reason. This faith is based on my past experience. There is something happening. Last night I experienced the shaking again. This process does not frighten me it is just intense, the energy tends to cause me to convulse but I can control it by breathing. It has no visual component with it, it is solely something that happens within my body. It tends to start with the stomach and causes a kind of circular shaking.

I am aware of how bizarre some parts of this blog entry may read. I have committed to a spiritual journey and it seems important somehow to keep a record of these experiences. What they mean is not for me to interpret. My only duty is to share. I feel convinced that a period of turmoil always precedes a spiritual event - an initation of some kind. The fact that this time round is so similar to the last time leads me to have faith that this is an integral part of this path. All I have to do is surrender to the process.

My only regret is that my erratic behaviour whereby I will initiate something from my fantasy and then never follow it up with a concrete proposal is causing confusion and bewilderment to this guy. I am sorry about this because it's not fair. Usually I will go for a coffee with him and the others but today because I now understand what is going on I didn't go. But this action didn't give me any relief either because it could have been 'THE' time that the fantasy and reality came together and the men guards defending this process got drunk! I didn't go, so the current confused state is kept intact.

I am aware of the importance of not causing suffering to others and a couple of years ago I was listening to some gospel music that Elvis Presley was singing on the radio. It was beautiful. A few days later I was in a small record shop where I live and the only Elvis CD that was there was this one which contained his gospel music. The CD is called 'Peace in the Valley'. I bought it and when I went home I played it. The words of one song really moved me and each night I say a few sentences from it. I would like to share these sentences in this blog entry. The words come from the song Evening Prayer. They are:

If I have wounded any Soul today
If I have caused one's foot to go astray
If I have walked in my own willful way
Dear Lord forgive

I say this because even though my intention is not to hurt I cannot guarantee that my words or actions haven't hurt or offended anyone today. Tonight I will say it especially for this guy in the gym who is soon going to need a home for the bewildered if I carry on acting the way that I am.

Yesterday I wrote about how important I consider integrity and keeping one's word to be and how I have suffered by breaking my word to complete a seminar because of this operation on my foot. I wrote an email to my group that was formed on the first evening to explain that I had decided to pull out of the seminar because of the operation and not being able to attend all of the sessions. When I returned from the gym there was a message on my answering machine. It was from a woman from the group. It turns out that she has had the same operation that I am going to have and she encouraged me to find a way to honour my integrity and that she would help me. It turns out that I can miss up to 4 sessions of the 10 week sessions of the seminar without missing the whole seminar.

I was so inspired by what she said to me and moved by her offer to work out with the group how to fix it so that I can come to the seminar sessions. I was so happy after the phone call. I really did not want to break my integrity. It is something I take so seriously that now to have the possibility of being able to complete the seminar after all is absolutely great.

This is the strangeness of this path. I can mentally beat myself up and yet the universe never fails to show its benevolence. It is events like this that bring me to my knees in gratitude and humility. It doesn't matter how much I give myself a hard time this is never reflected in the outside world. I know the incident with my car could be given as an example of something that happened because of a loss of integrity, but nobody was hurt and a car can be repaired. Anyway with my foot operation I am not going to be able to drive it for 3 months! and the insurance is due to be paid at the end of this month!!

All of this interpretation requires a leap of faith and the willingness to be thought of perhaps a bit strange by others but it brings such magic, brilliance and a delicious anticipation to life....the great thing about this journey is that you never know what's around the corner. As I write this the words from something Jesus said once has come to me so it seems important to write them. He said 'be ambitious for the higher things and I will show you a way that is greater than all of these' . Be ambitious for the fruits of the spiritual and everything else will come because everything is enveloped in the spiritual.

Tomorrow I go into work and explain to my boss that from next Monday I will be away from work for eight weeks. I'm not looking forward to it because it is short notice to arrange caretaking for all of my work. I will also have a lot to do to get everything into a position where someone can follow easily all that needs to be done. But I have faith that all of this will also get done.

The power of connection

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I went to sleep quite restless. I don't remember my dreams which is nothing new. I often wonder that if I could remember my dreams, whether they would give me answers as to why my mind is so turbulent. What is that is being sorted out? I woke up this morning and did not want to get up. I didn't want to face the world. I just wanted to stay in bed for the entire day. Last night I was called from Landmark and I gave them the news that I would not be able to honour my assisting agreement because I was going to have an operation on my foot. There is always a price to be paid for not honouring one's integrity. I paid for my own lack of integrity by feeling bad and the price for Landmark is that there is one less person on the team. I knew that this date for the surgery was coming up and so I should never have committed to a ten week seminar or a three month assisting programme. For one who preaches the importance and power of integrity this is a major breakdown in my own integrity.

I was inclined to stop my assisting agreement but I was asked to continue for today and next Saturday. I agreed and then was asked to come in earlier. This was a challenge for me because I do a group cycling class on a Saturday morning which I love. Is it the remnants of Catholic guilt or is it wanting to make some effort to restore my integrity that I found myself agreeing to come up to the centre at an earlier time. It was this promise that got me out of my bed this morning when I really did not want to.

I find this with me, that it doesn't matter what kind of storms are going on my head that if I have committed to something I will be there. Even if I am only going through the motions I will be there. Also when I push through the resistance that is in my head and go out to wherever it is I am going everything flows to ensure that I arrive there. It is like the storm in my head is not reflected in things out there in the world going wrong. In fact the opposite seems to be the case in that everything works and I arrive wherever it is I am going unstressed and chilled. I think not wanting to get up this morning stemmed from having to break my integrity by not completing an agreement that I had committed to.

I think that breaking integrity has more damaging effects than we realise. It impacts in all kinds of ways. This is because without integrity nothing works. If I don't have a Word, then I don't have anything. I am not who I think I am, who I think I am is just a collection of thoughts, feelings, consciousness. Who I really am is my Word. To keep one's word is to be in alignment with the Soul. I was suffering because I was out of alignment with my Soul due to not honouring my integrity.


I set off for the centre aware that it would be public transport that would get me there today and not my car which was still at the repair centre. One bus and two trains later I arrived at the centre in plenty of time. The trains I needed to catch were both pulling into the station when I arrived and I took a moment out to say a silent thanks. I find that these little acts of gratitude are so important. Acknowlegement draws more of the same. I have found that when I take the time out to acknowledge and be grateful for little things that bigger things come my way. I went into the centre and over to the desk which would be my home for the next three hours. I had been left a sheet with telephone numbers to call people to invite them to seminars.


I called the first number on the list and the person on the other end of the line was only too happy to chat and tell me how life had transformed as a result of taking on being straight with people and as I listened I became inspired. Instantly all of the heaviness I had dragged with me to the centre evaporated. The more I listened and became involved in what she was creating as being possible for her and her life the more alive I felt. The more I forgot myself in being present with her the happier I became. What this showed me is that the most powerful thing one can do when life with oneself is not easy is to go out to others. Be and communicate with others and forget about the storms that rage within the ego personality.

This going out to others is important because there is no separation between me and others, it only appears this way because of our limited perception. The truth is that there is only one Soul which appears divided but which has never divided. Therefore when we make time to truly listen and be with another, we are making time to be with ourselves and this is powerful. I know it is the only thing that could have lifted me this morning. If I hadn't had this agreement to honour the chances are that I would not have had the energy to get out of bed. Having a purpose on this path is so important. Without Purpose the inner turmoil can threaten to overwhelm.


I read some more of the diaries and letters of Etty Hillesum and I was once again struck by the similarities. I realise that she is a better writer than me because she is not afraid to let herself go. I tend to hold back and then go back and edit everything I write. This has the result of producing writing which does not flow as well as it could. The reason for this is that I am afraid to let go and just write because I don't know and I fear the depths that are there waiting to be discovered. Yet I know that unless I do this that the blog will make for sterile reading and I do not want it to be like this. Everything is so clear in my head and yet when I commit to paper it feels quite clumsy I have a closeness to spiritual literature when I am reading it but when I go to write about some of the insights I have had as a result it all sounds so clumsy.




Perhaps when I am eight weeks off work the writing will flow more easily because I will be focused and committed in a way I am not at present. I want to be but I am afraid of where it will take me. I'm beginning to be apprehensive of the connection I can create because of the darkness which seems to inevitably follow. I ask myself is the high worth the lows. I have to say yes they are. The challenge for me is to accept the lows without wanting it to change. This is the spiritual path to move gracefully between the highs and the lows fully accepting of that space in between, the space of 'what is'. The nature of the human being is to want to cling to things that are pleasant and want them to continue. Also to want to move away from things that are unpleasant to avoid them happening again. But to engage with life fully one has to move freely between the banks of pleasure and pain. Not to be attached to one and avoid the other.

It is only because we have hard and painful times that we can appreciate when the good times come. I think that the hard times are only hard because we don't know how long they are going to last. It's like I don't know how long the turbulence in my mind is going to last before it gives way to that peace that passes all understanding. If I could put a time line on it then it would be easier to bear and result in less resistance. The resistance is a result of not knowing.