Tuesday, 11 September 2007

The difference when you know......

What a difference understanding that resistance is part of human nature has made to today. When my mobile alarm went off at 4.30am I got up straight away without any inner conflict or turmoil. In the past I never accepted this resistance. It was always something I felt I should be strong enough to overcome. Now I have accepted that it is part and parcel of who I am. Today I felt it many times but instead of getting frustrated I just thought 'oh that's frustration, a natural part of me'. And in that acceptance the resistance melted away. I'm reminded of the words of a Simon and Garfunkel song that says 'hello darkness my old friend'. Well I'm going to adapt that and say 'hello resistance my old friend. This is a completely different way for me to look at this. It's also in line with the Buddhist idea of Ahimsa or non-violence. The old way I looked at resistance and didn't want it was aggressive and violent and not surprisingly this is why it persisted and got stronger the more I berated myself for having the resistance.

I worked late tonight to try to get everything ready for handing over to my work colleagues. Walking home I felt this huge surge of contentment well up from deep within me. This was strange because I was walking on the street. I wasn't consciously connecting with anything and yet this contentment just oozed up through me. It was the loveliest warmest feeling ever and it has convinced me even more that there is 'something'. I never have a vision so I can't paint a picture, all I can do is convey what these kind of experiences feel like.

Walking home I was also thinking about how all the newspapers are filled with the story of the disappearance of little Madelaine McCann and the finger of suspicion that is being pointed at her parents. This for me is a significant turning point. It reminds me of when Holly and Jessica (I cannot remember their surnames) went missing and were killed by a known paedophile. The circumstances are different but they both resulted in great shock. A shock stops the mind working for a few vital seconds. I was always struck by the fact that Holly was blonde and Jessica was dark and they lived in a village called Soham. Immediately it struck me as the light and the dark. So'ham also means 'I AM' . It can be used as a meditation mantra and the faith is that one day you will hear a voice that says 'Ham Sa', AM THAT which is believed to be the Divine answering the call. I can't vouch for this because it is not something I have experience of.

If it does turn out that Gerry and Kate McCann have been involved in the disappearance of their daughter then I am sure that this will mark another turning point for human consciousness. The ego personality hates to feel that it has been deceived. Many people are not able to sit comfortably with knowing they have been deceived. There is an interesting spiritual lesson in this whole saga. As a test keep aware of your own reactions to news as it changes its focus. It has nothing to do with the news and everything to do with our own reaction. Our own reactions can tell us so much if we are alert and humble enough to put the work in to be vigilant and honest. The mind requires shock to shift. The more intense the shock the more the mind will shift. I believe that this is the sole purpose for tragedies of this nature. The planes flying into the World Trade Centres. That shifted the consciousness of humanity to a completely new level although it may not seem like it. I believe that events like this are serving to shift the consciousness from the human kingdom to the spiritual kingdom. These events serve to unite. Whether that is in compassion or disbelief and anger. There is a coming together a joining together of that which appears separate.

This illusion of separation is seen everywhere. I remember when I was a child being fascinated by the segments of an orange. Each segment is separate but they are all joined together at the base. For some reason this used to always fascinate me.

I intend to get to bed early tonight because I want to go to my group cycling class tomorrow morning and I have been on the move since 4.30am. I am not tired but I recognise the importance of sleep. It will be my last cycle class for three months and so I want to give it everything I've got. This is why this blog entry will be short. I do hope that I haven't offended anyone by anything I have written. As I frequently say these are only ideas, not the truth, neither are they right or wrong. I realise how risky writing like this. It is alright for Etty Hillesum, she is dead. It must be easier writing when you know that you have no intention of anyone reading the writing until after you have shuffled off this mortal coil. I am still alive and sometimes feel that the level of raw vulnerability I show is too much for someone living. Still, it is what I feel I am called to do. Why is not for me to probe.

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