Monday, 10 September 2007

Second morning in a row.....

This morning I pushed through that second booming voice urging me to sleep when my mobile alarm clock went off at 4.30am. I sat down to meditate and this morning the time went by so quickly. I don't think that I fell asleep on my stool, I was aware that I came close to it once or twice. There is a fine line between meditating and sleeping particularly when the state of separation is still there.

I also got up early to do my homework for the seminar that I have now decided a foot operation is not going to prevent me from doing. I noticed that I had really strong resistance to doing the homework. I found all kinds of reasons to do it. What we had to do wasn't difficult. It was to write down everything that is in our cupboards. For some reason I put up such a battle. The mind said 'you don't want to do that, what about all those nice books on your shelf to read' and I would close the cupboard and once again find refuge in a spiritual book. But why? refuge from what? Those who know me know that I make no secret of the fact that I don't cook or do anything 'domestic'.

What I discovered when I was firm this morning and pushed through the resistance was the amount of stuff I had that was out of date. Tins of all kinds of processed food dating back to 2001. I was quite amazed and what I saw was that my dread of the kitchen is because somewhere I knew that all this clutter was there. It was there and I wouldn't look at it or deal with it. I palmed if off with the belief 'I'm spiritual, I don't do domestic! With the clarity that comes with insight I saw how I have been using the spiritual to opt out of life. I warned about this in an earlier blog entry and thought that I had dealt with it earlier. Doing that simple exercise I saw such a lot about myself that was hidden to my view. I got together five black bin bags of out of date stuff and at the end I felt so free and liberated.

The resistance to do this assignment was strong because what was on the other side of that resistance was just as strong. Now I am no longer afraid of my kitchen. It will be a place I will love to spent time in instead of it being a space where I spend as little time as I can. I will also learn to cook. It is interesting that I started an Indian cookery course and left it after only three classes. Of course I had perfectly good reasons for doing this. But this was not honest. The truth was that I was resisting it and instead of owning this resistance, I put an acceptable face on it by justifying it.

You will always know if an insight is true because the effect on the body. When I saw what the contents of my cupboard said and the impact of this on my life, I immediately saw this relates to the roller coaster relationship I have with food, this seeing had an immediate effect. First there was disbelief that I had yet again been duped. And yet the pull of the spiritual is powerful. It is powerful in its own right and delivers its own experiences but it's not at the expense of being effective in normal everyday matters such as keeping a kitchen and being comfortable and confident to cook. I had been running an ego inflation that went like 'you're spiritual, you don't need to bother about all of that'. This is nothing less than the ego inflation that I have written about extensively. How ironical is that. I'm writing about something that had its grip around my neck.

But the gratitude I feel that I have been able to see this is so immense. As I walked through the park to work this morning and I was in awe of what I had realised. So much about the way I am seems to slot into place. I think the difficulty I have with relationships has to do with this ego inflation of being spiritual and therefore above all of that! As I write this I am suddenly reminded of a Sufi parable which I would like to adapt for this blog in the light of what I have recently discovered.

'A thirsty dog came to a well, looked into it and jumped back in fright at what he thought was another dog in the water. Many times the dog returned to the well and behaved the same way when it looked into the water and saw what it thought was another dog. Eventually the desire for water overcame the resistance, the dog jumped into the well and the other dog disappeared'. If I was to apply this to my experience, it is possible to see resistance as the shadow dog reflected in the water, push through it and on the other side there is nothing but freedom. I hope this makes what I am saying clearer.

I arrived at work so happy but also somewhat apprehensive. I had to tell my boss about the date for the surgery on my foot being brought forward to next Monday. I know that it is short notice for her to arrange cover for all of my work. She came in and we had a chat. It was as I thought, that it was short notice. We agreed that I would call the hospital and ask for a surgery slot the next Monday 24 September. Back at my desk I berated myself for not asking for this date when I was being interviewed for my pre-assessment. I knew deep down that one week was too short notice and yet I said nothing. Now I have to re-arrange.

My resistance has also been so powerful in this process because I haven't wanted to have this surgery. It acted itself out when I requested some statistics for the successes and failures of the surgeon who is to do this operation. My resistance hoped that by doing this the surgeon might refuse to take me on. When I saw this, I immediately called and tried to cancel the email I had written requesting this information. But it was too late and has set in train events which I hope does not mean that my operation on Monday does not get cancelled. I could not get it re-arranged so at the moment it's all planned for Monday.

My day at work even though it was mad busy was so good. What I discovered earlier that morning was like an accelerator for everything. From that discovery of resistance I could see how strong it has been in many aspects of my life.

This evening I went to the second session of my seminar. My resistance to all of this work has been so strong. The form it takes for me is to be tired. I remember one training module especially when I could barely keep my eyes open. This bothered me because I am not usually that tired. The minute I walked into the lecture room such strong waves of tiredness came over me and I could hardly function. I would listen to the trainer through a fog of tiredness. The education is all to do with gaining power, freedom and self-expression both for oneself and others. One evening I was out for a drink with a friend who was doing the training with me and saw how tired I was. She said to me 'why are you afraid of power'. Astonished I replied 'I'm not afraid of power'. She persisted by saying 'well there's something about you and power'. Again I replied 'I'm not afraid of power'. We changed the subject and moved onto something else.

I have made no secret that I consider myself to be on a spiritual path which for me means having the humility to listen and think about messages that come to me from the universe through others. I thought about it when I went home, all day on Saturday, there was no insights. Sunday morning I woke up and immediately saw what she was getting at. I was afraid of power. I saw that I had a lot of power when I was a child because of a father who favoured me more than my mother or brothers. I could get Daddy to do things that none of the others could. What I saw though was how this hurt my mum and brothers and I saw how I decided when I was very young 'being special is bad, power is bad' and I decided never to have any power. Wow, this insight really rocked my world. I saw its impact in how I never pursued anything to excellence. I was afraid of the power it might have brought, I didn't have relationships because I was afraid of the power. I believed that I couldn't be trusted with power so kept myself small and down all my life because of that. And all the while the spiritual side of me was growing because I turned away from all aspirations of power (if that makes any sense).

When I saw this I took back this power that I had turned my back on as a young child. I created a future for myself of power with people and not over people and the moment I did that I felt something move in me. Since then I have never had the same degree of tiredness. I realised that the tiredness was the resistance that did not want me to once again access the power that I have a right to have. Now when I experience feeling tired, I will always ask myself 'what am I resisting'. But resisting does not go away, it just goes away to reform. So while I no longer get tired my reasons and justifications for things is just another form of resistance albeit more subtle. I was suffering early on in the education because I was resisting against an avenue for power and there was a huge battle going on. This battle goes on within everyone of us each and every day. There is nothing wrong. It is the design of 'Human'.

Wow, at my seminar this evening I learned something that has once again shifted everything. I learned that resistance is not personal! This is a huge relief for me because each time my resistance won I used to beat myself up for not being stronger. The truth is that resistance is inherent in the design of human. It has nothing to do with how strong or not my willpower is. Resistance is and always will be for as long as I am living in the human condition. I have found this so freeing.

For some bizarre reason I thought that being as 'spiritual as I think I am!' I shouldn't have resistance. I should be able to jump out of bed every morning without any resistance because of how much I have been given'. I felt that me feeling and giving into the resistance was a sign of ingratitude for everything spiritual I have been given. This upset me because I am nothing but grateful and saw my inability to be stronger than this resistance to be personal. To really get that it's universal and no matter how far I progress spiritually it is going to be there has lifted me no end.

Going home last night on the tube I kept repeating like a mantra 'it's not personal'. I can apply this to all of the areas where I feel resistance and then move through it gracefully without feeling that it's this monumental mountain that I have to fight my way through.... I have only attended two of these seminar sessions and already I have got so much out of it. What I have to do is to share with others because this kind of transformation, of thinking about the familiar in a new way does not live until it is shared. A way which is empowering and not limiting lives and flourishes when it is shared. Until it is spoken it remains an idea, a thought. In the sharing the insight becomes real and powerful.

I'm going to bed with a heart that feels it is going to burst with gratitude....goodnight world!

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