Dreams are not something I remember. This morning I woke up and fell back to sleep. I was dreaming that my sister-in-law was pregnant. She told me that she didn't want the baby and that I could have it on the condition that I returned to live in Ireland. I woke up to a ringing telephone. It was my mother in tears telling me that she had brought my Dad a cup of tea and a scone into him in the sitting room and he was unconscious. The ambulance had just left bringing him to hospital.
I reassured her and was as warm as I could be on the phone but my stomach was turning. I immediately turned on the computer and found a flight that will take me home tomorrow afternoon. I have since found out that he has had a stroke. It's not known how serious it is but he is 85. The sense of calm that descended on me is hard to write about. It's a calm and a clarity about what it is that needs to be done. I called my niece who is my only godchild and she was just great. She told me exactly what was so and I felt reassured after speaking with her. It's the not knowing because I am not there that is so frustrating. My cousin who had booked a flight to come and spend some time with me was also brilliant. It is disappointing for her not to coming on Tuesday but she totally understood that my place is with my family. She analysed my dream and it's given me real hope.
I don't know whether or not it is OK for me to fly with the operated foot but I will dose myself up with painkillers and wear a tight bandage so it should be OK. I find it so strange that I never usually remember my dreams and then I dream about something which is home related. My Dad and me are close. We are similar in temperament and it is from him that I learned integrity. My Dad is defined by his integrity. If he says that he will do something then he will do it. I have modelled myself on him for this. It is a closeness that hasn't always been easy on the other members of my family. I think if I had a sister things would have been different. But we get the families where we can grow the most and learn the greatest lessons.
I only have two brothers and unfortunately one has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me. This saddens me but out of his wish I won't make any effort to communicate with him beyond saying 'hello'. The greatest gift you can give to someone is to let them go. To let them go with a heart filled with love. Not making him wrong for anything that happened in the past. I will let him go but I will always be there if he ever wants me back as his sister. I hope this doesn't read like I'll be big enough to take him back. This is not what I mean but I honestly don't know how to handle the hatred he has for me at the moment. It is the only way I can think of to handle it.
What I would love to do is to take him aside and say 'I know I have hurt you and I am sorry, can we sort it out' but I have tried this and he put the phone down on me. He will always be my brother and I will always love him but I will also respect his wish not to want to have anything to do with me. For this reason this visit home is not going to be easy but I am determined to be myself and am going with the mindset that whatever I am going to face is exactly the way it is meant to be. Even in the midst of understandable sadness I am still going to be my possibility of fun and freedom.
This is the spiritual path to accept whatever IS exactly as it is. It's not easy. I don't want my Dad to be lying in a hospital bed with a stroke unable to speak or move his body. I don't want my brother to not care whether I live or die but what I can do is accept it. In that acceptance I know I have power. There is no power in fighting all of the power comes in acceptance. It is also acceptance that transforms situations. If you come from love it can't fail to transform situations. If it doesn't it's not the love that's wrong it is the pretence of coming from love but in reality coming from somewhere else either resentment or anger. There is nothing wrong in admitting to being scared unsure, what is wrong is pretending that everything is OK when it's not. And it's not that it's wrong it's just not powerful. Pretence also kills communication.
I gave a commitment to write this blog everyday. There is no internet connection at home and my nearest town doesn't have internet either. I will do my utmost to write but it may be that this is not possible. So if this blog goes quiet... I want to say that it's only temporary.
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Saturday, 6 October 2007
Back on track.....
I've just returned from re-starting my assisting agreement with Landmark and I feel so alive. I know that I am at my happiest when I forget me and enter into other people's worlds. It is then that I truly come alive. I am a stand for transformation which is nothing more than seeing the familiar in a new powerful and empowering way. This doesn't have to be a big and overwhelming job, it happens in small stages. At the end of one phone call the person I was speaking to said 'thank you so much for calling, I never thought of it like that, it's been so useful'. I was so happy. I know that this appreciation was genuine because in a phone call there are no visual distractions so I was focussed solely on the voice and the phone call and it was genuine. No amount of money can give me the feeling when I know that something I have said has inspired another. This is the work of my Soul. This is Service. It is when I feel at my most alive. Everything else is a poor substitute.
It is so different to how I woke up this morning. I received some bad news yesterday and it knocked me. It wasn't the news itself but the impact which has huge implications that darkened my mood. I woke up early and got up to meditate. Then I had breakfast and was mooching around here in my flat, picking up one book and then another but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I had a frustration and a helplessness that I didn't seem able to get to the root of.
But once inside the Landmark office and when I spoke to someone about the news I received I realised that I was taking responsibility for the news that I had received even though it didn't have anything to do with me. I am aware that this is fairly cryptic writing and for that I apologise. I cannot be specific because I have not obtained the permission to do so. But once I was shown how I was taking on something that I didn't have to I felt lighter. I had a chat with my manager and settled down to calling graduates to welcome them to a living passionately seminar that they had registered for.
In the promotional literature for the seminar which included a quote from a Zen poet I was struck by the similarities of what the seminar promises and the spiritual path. To see no distinction between work and play and to treat both exactly the same is in spiritual terms to be enlightened. In Landmark terms it is to live a passionate life and live life passionately. I have said that Landmark does not promote itself as a spiritual programme but for me the parallels are everywhere and obvious. Or is it because I have a spiritual mind that I interpret everything from within that context. The programme has trained thousands of people and yet there aren't many more enlightened people. For me though it has accelerated my spiritual path like nothing else.
So now it is Saturday night and I am in writing my blog. I have decided to venture into romantic waters even though this is the area where I experience my most confusion. The biggest problem with me is that I rarely feel this thing called chemistry so you could line up all the men that I have been out with against the wall and apart from 1 none of them would mean anything. All lovely guys in their own right but no click of chemistry. I was listening to a programme with George Michael and he talked about that 'click of chemistry that happens across a crowded room' and I felt a twinge of envy. This seems to be something either I am denying myself because of some story I am running that spiritual people don't have relationships which is complete garbage, or it is the way it is meant to be.
I say I want a relationship but then when there is one in the offing I do everything in my power to sabotage it. I have referred to my men guards in earlier blog posts. These days they have been asleep because I have not been at my regular gym classes on a Sunday morning where self-sabotage is quite a regular occurence with me and one guy. Although he has my telephone number and hasn't called to see how the operation went, so maybe the self-sabotage was and is self-survival. The bigger part of me knows something that I don't and stops the little part making a fool of herself. I don't know but just occasionally I get the feeling that there is something big missing from my life.....
It is so different to how I woke up this morning. I received some bad news yesterday and it knocked me. It wasn't the news itself but the impact which has huge implications that darkened my mood. I woke up early and got up to meditate. Then I had breakfast and was mooching around here in my flat, picking up one book and then another but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I had a frustration and a helplessness that I didn't seem able to get to the root of.
But once inside the Landmark office and when I spoke to someone about the news I received I realised that I was taking responsibility for the news that I had received even though it didn't have anything to do with me. I am aware that this is fairly cryptic writing and for that I apologise. I cannot be specific because I have not obtained the permission to do so. But once I was shown how I was taking on something that I didn't have to I felt lighter. I had a chat with my manager and settled down to calling graduates to welcome them to a living passionately seminar that they had registered for.
In the promotional literature for the seminar which included a quote from a Zen poet I was struck by the similarities of what the seminar promises and the spiritual path. To see no distinction between work and play and to treat both exactly the same is in spiritual terms to be enlightened. In Landmark terms it is to live a passionate life and live life passionately. I have said that Landmark does not promote itself as a spiritual programme but for me the parallels are everywhere and obvious. Or is it because I have a spiritual mind that I interpret everything from within that context. The programme has trained thousands of people and yet there aren't many more enlightened people. For me though it has accelerated my spiritual path like nothing else.
So now it is Saturday night and I am in writing my blog. I have decided to venture into romantic waters even though this is the area where I experience my most confusion. The biggest problem with me is that I rarely feel this thing called chemistry so you could line up all the men that I have been out with against the wall and apart from 1 none of them would mean anything. All lovely guys in their own right but no click of chemistry. I was listening to a programme with George Michael and he talked about that 'click of chemistry that happens across a crowded room' and I felt a twinge of envy. This seems to be something either I am denying myself because of some story I am running that spiritual people don't have relationships which is complete garbage, or it is the way it is meant to be.
I say I want a relationship but then when there is one in the offing I do everything in my power to sabotage it. I have referred to my men guards in earlier blog posts. These days they have been asleep because I have not been at my regular gym classes on a Sunday morning where self-sabotage is quite a regular occurence with me and one guy. Although he has my telephone number and hasn't called to see how the operation went, so maybe the self-sabotage was and is self-survival. The bigger part of me knows something that I don't and stops the little part making a fool of herself. I don't know but just occasionally I get the feeling that there is something big missing from my life.....
Friday, 5 October 2007
Keeping one's Word to oneself.....
I didn't meditate this morning and in spite of the bright sunny day in London for some reason I felt down. I brought into being my possibiity of fun and freedom which is usually powerful in transforming my mood. But this morning it didn't seem to happen. I sat and thought about what could be going on for me. I realised that while I can be trusted to keep my word with everyone else that I am much more laidback about keeping my Word to myself. I noticed that it is the day after I haven't done something that I said I would do for myself that I'm in a dark place and up to now I haven't known why.
What I realise is that it is just as important to keep your Word to yourself as it is to keep it to others. You know when an insight is real because it resonates. This insight resonated at the deepest level and I immediately felt light and free once again. I knew the exact promise I had made to myself that I didn't keep. I have promised myself that I will learn to cook during this time off work recovering from the operation. I had planned to make a Lentil curry and then between one thing and another it got late, people called me and I never made it. I sold out to myself and that was why I felt like I was in breakdown mode.
So today I made a list of everything I was going to do for me. The universe will always challenge with a temptation to see how committed one is. This is especially so for a new action. I had not seen before the impact on me when I am not true to myself. When I lose my integrity by not doing what I said I would do when I said I would do it. The result of this is that I have integrity and thus power with others and no power with myself. The challenge to this newly found integrity with myself came in the form of a phone call from a work colleague. He called to ask me about my plans for the day. Usually I would be a bit vague and then fit in with a suggestion to do something. As a result whatever I had planned would be shelved. But not this time. This time I was clear that I had things to do this morning that meant I wouldn't be able to meet up for lunch. I felt so powerful saying this and my friend was absolutely fine about it. As a result I noticed that the experience I had shopping which is something I usually dislike intensely was more pleasurable than I thought.
I think it is a throw-back to my days as a Buddhist where I thought everyone was better than me that had me thinking that integrity to and for others is more important than integrity for oneself. I understand now that both are equally important if one is to live a powerful and free life. These insights take some thinking about. They lie deeply burried because of the design of Human which is to survive, not to be powerful and free. It takes something extra to probe into the nature of the design, and in that probing to set the consciousness free from the form.
The rest of today has been spent ticking off the things that I said I would do on my list. And this evening as I write this blog I have a feeling of immense satisfaction. There is nothing left unfinished. Tomorrow I begin again my assisting agreement where once more I will be listening to people and the power they have discovered in themselves by probing into the nature of being human.
From my insight today I would like to add one thing further to what Socrates said when he said 'know thyself'. I would also add 'keep one's word to oneself'. These are the foundations for power.....
What I realise is that it is just as important to keep your Word to yourself as it is to keep it to others. You know when an insight is real because it resonates. This insight resonated at the deepest level and I immediately felt light and free once again. I knew the exact promise I had made to myself that I didn't keep. I have promised myself that I will learn to cook during this time off work recovering from the operation. I had planned to make a Lentil curry and then between one thing and another it got late, people called me and I never made it. I sold out to myself and that was why I felt like I was in breakdown mode.
So today I made a list of everything I was going to do for me. The universe will always challenge with a temptation to see how committed one is. This is especially so for a new action. I had not seen before the impact on me when I am not true to myself. When I lose my integrity by not doing what I said I would do when I said I would do it. The result of this is that I have integrity and thus power with others and no power with myself. The challenge to this newly found integrity with myself came in the form of a phone call from a work colleague. He called to ask me about my plans for the day. Usually I would be a bit vague and then fit in with a suggestion to do something. As a result whatever I had planned would be shelved. But not this time. This time I was clear that I had things to do this morning that meant I wouldn't be able to meet up for lunch. I felt so powerful saying this and my friend was absolutely fine about it. As a result I noticed that the experience I had shopping which is something I usually dislike intensely was more pleasurable than I thought.
I think it is a throw-back to my days as a Buddhist where I thought everyone was better than me that had me thinking that integrity to and for others is more important than integrity for oneself. I understand now that both are equally important if one is to live a powerful and free life. These insights take some thinking about. They lie deeply burried because of the design of Human which is to survive, not to be powerful and free. It takes something extra to probe into the nature of the design, and in that probing to set the consciousness free from the form.
The rest of today has been spent ticking off the things that I said I would do on my list. And this evening as I write this blog I have a feeling of immense satisfaction. There is nothing left unfinished. Tomorrow I begin again my assisting agreement where once more I will be listening to people and the power they have discovered in themselves by probing into the nature of being human.
From my insight today I would like to add one thing further to what Socrates said when he said 'know thyself'. I would also add 'keep one's word to oneself'. These are the foundations for power.....
Thursday, 4 October 2007
The power of appreciation.......
Woke up at 2.30am and for some reason I couldn't go back to sleep. I went to bed with a mind in turmoil because I had intended to go to hear my friend give a talk and when I got to the area I couldn't find the venue. I thought I knew where it was but when I actually got there I realised that I didn't have a clue. There were hordes of people around and I was terrified that someone would stand on my foot. I ended up coming home and I felt angry and annoyed with myself. It wasn't rocket science to remember to bring the A-Z but no, I didn't even think of it. I put some effort into accepting the situation for what it was but I was aware that I wasn't being honest with myself by doing this.
It was this frame of mind that I went to bed with so I suppose it was no wonder that I woke up at 2.30am still feeling unsettled. I came into the sitting room and opened the book which is permanently on my coffee table. It was The Soul by my favourite occult writer Alice Bailey. A couple of blog posts earlier I had written about how hard I find sitting meditation to be and pondered on the point of it. When I opened the book I read on page 156 'Through meditation, which is the minds power to hold itself in the light, and in that light become aware of the Plan, he learns to 'bring through' the needed ideas. Through contemplation he finds himself able to enter into that silence which will enable him to tap the divine mind, wrest Gods' thought out of the divine consciousness and to know'. When I read it I wondered if it was a message for me to keep persevering with meditation. I feel like I am in a kind of waiting period. Maybe that is why at 7am this morning I found myself sitting down to meditate. I would love to write about great insights that I had but the truth is that I didn't. It was the same as I have written before.
What I realised though is that if I bring my attention to that point where one breath ends and the next begins, that point of nothing, then this is powerful. This is the point of nothing where everything arises. I showered and changed and went out to the post office to post much deserved thank you cards to all my friends. It was a beautiful morning here in London and I took the route which went alongside the park. Walking along I felt the power of the silence and the stillness and it nourished and strengthened me so much.
I returned home and got ready to meet some of my work colleagues in a cafe. They were there when I arrived and it was lovely to see them. They presented me with the most enormous and beautiful bunch of flowers. I felt the tears sting at the back of my eyes. Their warmth and welcome was so genuine and sincere. They are such a great bunch of people that I work with and I am incredibly lucky to have the supportive boss that I have. But it was not always like this. My only wish is that I know so well that the environment I am working in at present is not suited to me. I would give anything to have the ideas and follow through for bringing new products out but that isn't the kind of brain I have. Lateral thinking in a left brain way is not possible for me. So although I try, I end up getting stressed out. I know that the pressure will be on me to deliver when I return.
I put my gorgeous flowers in water which was a real test for the vase situation in this flat because I am not a flowers person so vases are kept to a minimum. Luckily I had enough in two vases. They are now sitting prettily here on my table.
I had a phone call from one of the people that are in my group for the Landmark Beyond fitness seminar. What I find amazing when I speak with people is that you never know how a casual remark can help another. I was talking about how we make up stories about the things that happen to us in life and then treat those stories like they were true. I told her how when I was 15 and in a Catholic boarding school a nun had given us some IQ tests. When I was called in to be given the results she said to me 'Margaret, I am very concerned about these results. According to these you are functioning at borderline mental handicap'. As you can imagine I was stunned and found it hard to get my head around what she had said. I stammered 'but I wanted to go to university and study psychology'. She dismissed this with an impatient wave of her hand and said 'the best that you can hope for is to have one of those jobs where you take cans of beans on and off conveyor belts'. I don't remember much more of the conversation.
I thought I had dealt with it by saying 'silly old hag' when I came out but I never told anyone what she had said. I was in boarding school and we didn't get home that often so I never told any of my family. But after that I shelved my plans to go to university and went to work with children and young people with learning difficulties much to the astonishment and dismay of my parents. They didn't know what had prompted this massive career change. I had never had a nurses uniform when I was a child. My grades went down.
I did my three years nurse training but it wasn't for me. I suffered much stress. Part of the nursing curriculum was psychology and I rediscovered my love for it and once I had qualified applied to do a graduate degree and was accepted. I got my degree and then kind of lost my way. I started to temp but always went in at the lowest level.
It was only when I did the Landmark Forum which is the first module in the curriculum for living that I understood how we give a meaning to the things that happen to us in life. I saw how I had given what that nun had said to me the meaning that I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. That was the story then that was running whenever I thought about going for a good job. The tragedy is why didn't I make it mean that I was brilliant, that I could achieve anything I wanted. If this was the meaning I had put on it, the outcome would probably have been very different. On that weekend I got to see what I had made it mean. I saw the impact it had on me in terms of career and relationships. I saw that it was only a story I made up to make sense of what happened, it wasn't the truth. If I made it mean one thing, I can make it mean another, in fact I can make it mean anything I want to.
Words don't do justice to the immense relief and freedom that flooded through me. I felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I returned to work after that weekend with a confidence I never had before and within 6 months went and got a promotion of my own doing.
Now when I look back at those times I spent with children and young people with learning difficulties I don't see it as time wasted. Far from it. It was from these special people that I learned the value of innocence. It was also my training ground for compassion and where I learned not to judge people or situations. But how different might it have been if I had been aware of the difference between what happens in life and what we are programmed as human beings to make it mean.... This is why I am such a campaigner for the Landmark programme and the Landmark technology. It is the technology that enables the breakthroughs into new and empowering ways of being in the world.....
It was this frame of mind that I went to bed with so I suppose it was no wonder that I woke up at 2.30am still feeling unsettled. I came into the sitting room and opened the book which is permanently on my coffee table. It was The Soul by my favourite occult writer Alice Bailey. A couple of blog posts earlier I had written about how hard I find sitting meditation to be and pondered on the point of it. When I opened the book I read on page 156 'Through meditation, which is the minds power to hold itself in the light, and in that light become aware of the Plan, he learns to 'bring through' the needed ideas. Through contemplation he finds himself able to enter into that silence which will enable him to tap the divine mind, wrest Gods' thought out of the divine consciousness and to know'. When I read it I wondered if it was a message for me to keep persevering with meditation. I feel like I am in a kind of waiting period. Maybe that is why at 7am this morning I found myself sitting down to meditate. I would love to write about great insights that I had but the truth is that I didn't. It was the same as I have written before.
What I realised though is that if I bring my attention to that point where one breath ends and the next begins, that point of nothing, then this is powerful. This is the point of nothing where everything arises. I showered and changed and went out to the post office to post much deserved thank you cards to all my friends. It was a beautiful morning here in London and I took the route which went alongside the park. Walking along I felt the power of the silence and the stillness and it nourished and strengthened me so much.
I returned home and got ready to meet some of my work colleagues in a cafe. They were there when I arrived and it was lovely to see them. They presented me with the most enormous and beautiful bunch of flowers. I felt the tears sting at the back of my eyes. Their warmth and welcome was so genuine and sincere. They are such a great bunch of people that I work with and I am incredibly lucky to have the supportive boss that I have. But it was not always like this. My only wish is that I know so well that the environment I am working in at present is not suited to me. I would give anything to have the ideas and follow through for bringing new products out but that isn't the kind of brain I have. Lateral thinking in a left brain way is not possible for me. So although I try, I end up getting stressed out. I know that the pressure will be on me to deliver when I return.
I put my gorgeous flowers in water which was a real test for the vase situation in this flat because I am not a flowers person so vases are kept to a minimum. Luckily I had enough in two vases. They are now sitting prettily here on my table.
I had a phone call from one of the people that are in my group for the Landmark Beyond fitness seminar. What I find amazing when I speak with people is that you never know how a casual remark can help another. I was talking about how we make up stories about the things that happen to us in life and then treat those stories like they were true. I told her how when I was 15 and in a Catholic boarding school a nun had given us some IQ tests. When I was called in to be given the results she said to me 'Margaret, I am very concerned about these results. According to these you are functioning at borderline mental handicap'. As you can imagine I was stunned and found it hard to get my head around what she had said. I stammered 'but I wanted to go to university and study psychology'. She dismissed this with an impatient wave of her hand and said 'the best that you can hope for is to have one of those jobs where you take cans of beans on and off conveyor belts'. I don't remember much more of the conversation.
I thought I had dealt with it by saying 'silly old hag' when I came out but I never told anyone what she had said. I was in boarding school and we didn't get home that often so I never told any of my family. But after that I shelved my plans to go to university and went to work with children and young people with learning difficulties much to the astonishment and dismay of my parents. They didn't know what had prompted this massive career change. I had never had a nurses uniform when I was a child. My grades went down.
I did my three years nurse training but it wasn't for me. I suffered much stress. Part of the nursing curriculum was psychology and I rediscovered my love for it and once I had qualified applied to do a graduate degree and was accepted. I got my degree and then kind of lost my way. I started to temp but always went in at the lowest level.
It was only when I did the Landmark Forum which is the first module in the curriculum for living that I understood how we give a meaning to the things that happen to us in life. I saw how I had given what that nun had said to me the meaning that I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. That was the story then that was running whenever I thought about going for a good job. The tragedy is why didn't I make it mean that I was brilliant, that I could achieve anything I wanted. If this was the meaning I had put on it, the outcome would probably have been very different. On that weekend I got to see what I had made it mean. I saw the impact it had on me in terms of career and relationships. I saw that it was only a story I made up to make sense of what happened, it wasn't the truth. If I made it mean one thing, I can make it mean another, in fact I can make it mean anything I want to.
Words don't do justice to the immense relief and freedom that flooded through me. I felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I returned to work after that weekend with a confidence I never had before and within 6 months went and got a promotion of my own doing.
Now when I look back at those times I spent with children and young people with learning difficulties I don't see it as time wasted. Far from it. It was from these special people that I learned the value of innocence. It was also my training ground for compassion and where I learned not to judge people or situations. But how different might it have been if I had been aware of the difference between what happens in life and what we are programmed as human beings to make it mean.... This is why I am such a campaigner for the Landmark programme and the Landmark technology. It is the technology that enables the breakthroughs into new and empowering ways of being in the world.....
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
To DO or to BE.......
I woke up at 7am this morning. I lay awake in that non-doing state which I recognise now as a state of bliss. Oftentimes the first thought I have is all about the things I have to do i.e. get up, shower, breakfast etc. In all of this 'being' is lost. What is not very well known however is that resisting the urge to 'DO' first thing in the morning and taking on a state of 'non-doing' or BEING will make for a more powerful and stress free day thanwhen the mind wakes up with that drive to 'DO'.
I was called on Monday from Landmark because I had missed the last session. I find this an incredibly powerful service. The man recreated what it was that I had missed. He was speaking about this unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves with this emphasis on 'doing' the minute we wake up. He told me about his gran who every morning would get up make a cup of tea and sit at her Aga (I think this is a kind of cooker'). She would spend 15 minutes there just sitting. Afterwards her mood would be completely transformed. We seem to think that if we keep doing, then we will have and then we can achieve happiness and contentment. I do not think that this is the right order. From my experience you have to come from a state of being first, and from that state Do and then the fruits will come.
Each morning for my operation I made being my priority. From a BEING that was fun and freedom I took the actions and as a result have had a recovery that has been quicker than normal (so I'm told). I was committed to putting my possibility and what I was being, before anything I had to do. When we take actions from a state of being, they are in tune with the universe and flow effortlessly. Every time I go out I see so many people on mobile phones. The pressure to 'DO' these days is more intense than at any time. To 'Be' is to risk being labelled as lazy. Yet it is only out of a state of being that powerful doing can arise. Doing for doing's sake without a context of being is a bit like a hamster going around on a wheel. Lots of 'doing' but not very many results. So as a game why not taking on having as the first thought tomorrow morning 'what do I have to do', to 'who am I going to be' and see if there is anything different about the day. Creating a way of being does not have to be complicated. It can be as simple as creating the being of joy, or kindness. In order to keep it alive during the day it will have to be constantly created. This is the challenge of living life from a state of 'being' and not of 'doing'.
This evening I am going to hear a friend of mine give a talk. I have heard this guy speak many times and every time I come away inspired and with more to think about. We worked together as volunteers for Alternatives and had long chats about spirituality and the brain. He is working on a theory of the brain that will explain consciousness. I find this so exciting. He has developed a very comprehensive website with these brain theories as well as lots of material on the prophesies and world religions. It is well worth checking out. Here is the link http://www.iawwai.com/
Today I had a routine eye examination. I asked the optician what exactly is the problem with my right eye. She explained that my right eye is short sighted and my left eye is long sighted. As a result the brain ignores all of the impulses coming from the right eye, only taking those from the left eye to make sense of the world. From what she said I don't see any reason to deviate from my suspicion that the right side of the brain is working harder to make up for the lack of stimulation to the left, much in the same way that one kidney will work harder if the second is not functioning properly. This is an idea of my own that is stubborn in its persistence. My spiritual writings, insights and intuitions are so much a part of me that there is no learning involved. This could only be if my consciousness was coming from the right side of the brain.
I have already mentioned the fact that Gordon Brown who is the new England Prime Minister has a glass eye in his left eye. This might mean no stimulation going to the right brain. The left brain is all to do with strategy. This to me is so obvious in his latest action which was to spring a surprise visit to the troops in Iraq and while there announce that 1,000 British soldiers would soon be coming home. This was a strategic move on his part. The perceived spin aspect which he has been accused of by the irate Tories is just part of the strategy. In Gordon Brown you will find the ultimate strategist if you watch him carefully. Strategy will be what will drive him, not presentation, charisma solely strategy.
I have just finished hearing the speech that David Cameron delivered at the conference in Blackpool. This was more a speech with right brain leanings. It was personal, persuasive, at times emotive. It was also light on the strategy angle which is to be expected. The Tories are furious about Gordon Brown announcing the decision to bring home troops because they see it as spin. An attempt to take the limelight away from the Tory party conference. When you are a strategist and all you know is strategy then anything goes. There is little right brain reining in in terms of looking good to others. What others think is the last thing he is concerned about. Not because he has consciously decided this but because it's not in his nature. Even his decision about whether or not to hold a general electon in November it will be strategy he will be considering not his popularity in the country.
People feel safe with this level of strategy which is why he is suddenly so popular. There is something that welcomes wholeheartedly this change if political style. I would think that if he were to call a general election that he would get elected. However the Tories have come up with some attractive proposals for tax i.e. taking homes out of inheritance tax and abolishing stamp duty for first time buyers that are also attractive.
These ideas of mine might be totally wrong and they are only my ideas but for me Gordon Brown is the most fascinating man alive today and I watch everything he does and says with so much interest......
I was called on Monday from Landmark because I had missed the last session. I find this an incredibly powerful service. The man recreated what it was that I had missed. He was speaking about this unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves with this emphasis on 'doing' the minute we wake up. He told me about his gran who every morning would get up make a cup of tea and sit at her Aga (I think this is a kind of cooker'). She would spend 15 minutes there just sitting. Afterwards her mood would be completely transformed. We seem to think that if we keep doing, then we will have and then we can achieve happiness and contentment. I do not think that this is the right order. From my experience you have to come from a state of being first, and from that state Do and then the fruits will come.
Each morning for my operation I made being my priority. From a BEING that was fun and freedom I took the actions and as a result have had a recovery that has been quicker than normal (so I'm told). I was committed to putting my possibility and what I was being, before anything I had to do. When we take actions from a state of being, they are in tune with the universe and flow effortlessly. Every time I go out I see so many people on mobile phones. The pressure to 'DO' these days is more intense than at any time. To 'Be' is to risk being labelled as lazy. Yet it is only out of a state of being that powerful doing can arise. Doing for doing's sake without a context of being is a bit like a hamster going around on a wheel. Lots of 'doing' but not very many results. So as a game why not taking on having as the first thought tomorrow morning 'what do I have to do', to 'who am I going to be' and see if there is anything different about the day. Creating a way of being does not have to be complicated. It can be as simple as creating the being of joy, or kindness. In order to keep it alive during the day it will have to be constantly created. This is the challenge of living life from a state of 'being' and not of 'doing'.
This evening I am going to hear a friend of mine give a talk. I have heard this guy speak many times and every time I come away inspired and with more to think about. We worked together as volunteers for Alternatives and had long chats about spirituality and the brain. He is working on a theory of the brain that will explain consciousness. I find this so exciting. He has developed a very comprehensive website with these brain theories as well as lots of material on the prophesies and world religions. It is well worth checking out. Here is the link http://www.iawwai.com/
Today I had a routine eye examination. I asked the optician what exactly is the problem with my right eye. She explained that my right eye is short sighted and my left eye is long sighted. As a result the brain ignores all of the impulses coming from the right eye, only taking those from the left eye to make sense of the world. From what she said I don't see any reason to deviate from my suspicion that the right side of the brain is working harder to make up for the lack of stimulation to the left, much in the same way that one kidney will work harder if the second is not functioning properly. This is an idea of my own that is stubborn in its persistence. My spiritual writings, insights and intuitions are so much a part of me that there is no learning involved. This could only be if my consciousness was coming from the right side of the brain.
I have already mentioned the fact that Gordon Brown who is the new England Prime Minister has a glass eye in his left eye. This might mean no stimulation going to the right brain. The left brain is all to do with strategy. This to me is so obvious in his latest action which was to spring a surprise visit to the troops in Iraq and while there announce that 1,000 British soldiers would soon be coming home. This was a strategic move on his part. The perceived spin aspect which he has been accused of by the irate Tories is just part of the strategy. In Gordon Brown you will find the ultimate strategist if you watch him carefully. Strategy will be what will drive him, not presentation, charisma solely strategy.
I have just finished hearing the speech that David Cameron delivered at the conference in Blackpool. This was more a speech with right brain leanings. It was personal, persuasive, at times emotive. It was also light on the strategy angle which is to be expected. The Tories are furious about Gordon Brown announcing the decision to bring home troops because they see it as spin. An attempt to take the limelight away from the Tory party conference. When you are a strategist and all you know is strategy then anything goes. There is little right brain reining in in terms of looking good to others. What others think is the last thing he is concerned about. Not because he has consciously decided this but because it's not in his nature. Even his decision about whether or not to hold a general electon in November it will be strategy he will be considering not his popularity in the country.
People feel safe with this level of strategy which is why he is suddenly so popular. There is something that welcomes wholeheartedly this change if political style. I would think that if he were to call a general election that he would get elected. However the Tories have come up with some attractive proposals for tax i.e. taking homes out of inheritance tax and abolishing stamp duty for first time buyers that are also attractive.
These ideas of mine might be totally wrong and they are only my ideas but for me Gordon Brown is the most fascinating man alive today and I watch everything he does and says with so much interest......
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
In rawness is authenticity
I went to see the GP today to hand in the letter from the hospital and to get a verdict on my poor swollen foot. With some trepidation I took the car. It was lovely to be once again driving but I noticed that I am more cautious and aware. This was particularly so when I came around the corner of the park and was struck by the beauty of the coloured leaves on the trees. I had such a job to keep my consciousness from expanding. I think this is why in autumn I dislike driving because it is my favourite season of the year. I like to drive if someone else is driving and preferably not talking so I can just lose myself in the beauty that comes before my eyes.
While I was waiting for the doctor to call my name I started reading for what must now be the eighth time the first Conversation with God book book 1. The simplicity if this book and the truth of the insights contained within it never fails to move me. There seems to be something in simplicity and directness which the sacred or that of another dimension responds to. It always seems to be in the sincerest cries of pain and agony, where there is no pretence or ego that answers or solutions appear to be given. In rawness is authenticity. It seems like that it is only when we are stripped bare that the light is shown.
As I wrote the above I was reminded of a book which also talks about this. I have just retrieved the book from my book shelf. It's called 'From Onions to Pearls' A journal of Awakening and Deliverance by Satyam Nadeen. It is the story of a man who was born into a large Irish family. He entered a seminary when he was 12 yearning to be a Catholic priest. He left Catholicism and pursued a variety of Eastern traditions. He goes through the myriad of things he tried in his pursuit of the meaning of life and of God including psychedelic drugs. You name it, he did it. Then he found himself in prison and while there he 'overdosed on a books of a metaphysical and meditational output'. One day he had a realization which was the catalyst for his moment of spiritual awakening. He says on page 12 'It dawned on me that I couldn't know anything about God or the spiritual path with this limited mind, so I just gave it up. With this surrender came the first tidal wave of relief and bliss'. He goes on 'then I was hit by the second phase of this surrender process. Not only didn't I know anything about enlightenment, I couldn't do anything about it either! Once again this was followed by tsunami-sized waves of bliss and relief. The awakening was now complete'.
From this there appears to be two conditions which are necessary for spiritual awakening. First a striving to learn and then a letting go. The skill is knowing when to let go. For me I had done nine years of Buddhist study and practice. I had returned from a trip to India which was to track the life of the Buddha as a thank you for the great things it had given to me. When I returned from India and was wondering whether or not to return to Buddhism or do something different. I heard a direct and specific instruction to give it up. The author of this book did something similar. He realised that he had come to the end of everything the mind could give. The seeds had been sown, there was nothing else he could do. He stopped fighting and in that surrender came the peace and bliss that characterises enlightenment.
The story of Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God 1) and this man are similar in that both appealed to something from a place of darkness. There was raw pain which was responded to. Both books are simply and plainly written. There are no great philosophical or theoretical principles examined. They are very much ordinary people's books. Yet the Truths which both contain have been written about albeit in different ways down through the ages.
On my way down the steps from the health centre I heard a loud crash. When I looked down a man had opened his car door and hit the back of a bus. Luckily there was nobody hurt . It was all a bit strange though because the man had parked the car just at the bus stop which is something you don't do. I walked up the road a bit and this man said to me 'looks like that was done on purpose, they are on benefit and can claim off the insurance'. I was quite shocked to hear this and thought 'how can this be the first thing that is thought about and is that man happy to be thinking in this way'.
I think this comes back to how we all see ourselves as separate from everyone else. As a result we feel the need to protect ourselves from people. If there was someway of having the direct experience that we are not separated, that it only appears that way then I'm sure the world would be a happier place. But how to give this. Knowing this, as opposed to understanding is not an experience. It is more of a realization. The Truth that there is no separation between me and another is not an experience it is a realization - a knowing that is absolute and without doubt. There is only one Soul that has as its language consciousness. Universal Soul, universal consciousness, no division only the appearance of being divided. My greatest wish before I die is for this Truth of no separation to become proven in reality and to shift the consciousness to a new level.
After this I went to the supermarket. In the doorway a security guard had apprehended a woman with a bag. It turns out that she had been light fingered and had been caught. I stood and watched what was going on for a while and then went on my way. This is what I love about life what I saw today I will never see again. The talks I have had with people today I won't have again. The sights I saw today are a one-off. This is why I am so grateful to life and everything it brings. I am sure that the universe sees this level of appreciation for the play that it puts on for us everyday in the people we meet and the events that happen. The only thing marring our own appreciation of everything is the significance we put on things. I have learned to play with life and with the things that happen. This doesn't mean that I don't take things seriously and when my friends are in trouble and I don't give 100% I do, it just means that I see the drama for what it is, a game of hide and seek by the Self with the Not-Self.
I was going to go out to toastmasters this evening but my foot is sore and it is raining. The last thing I want to do is slip so reluctantly I will stay put for this evening. It is strange not waiting for my friend to come in from work and many times this afternoon I had to remind myself of my possibility of fun and freedom often not to slide into feeling sorry for myself.....
While I was waiting for the doctor to call my name I started reading for what must now be the eighth time the first Conversation with God book book 1. The simplicity if this book and the truth of the insights contained within it never fails to move me. There seems to be something in simplicity and directness which the sacred or that of another dimension responds to. It always seems to be in the sincerest cries of pain and agony, where there is no pretence or ego that answers or solutions appear to be given. In rawness is authenticity. It seems like that it is only when we are stripped bare that the light is shown.
As I wrote the above I was reminded of a book which also talks about this. I have just retrieved the book from my book shelf. It's called 'From Onions to Pearls' A journal of Awakening and Deliverance by Satyam Nadeen. It is the story of a man who was born into a large Irish family. He entered a seminary when he was 12 yearning to be a Catholic priest. He left Catholicism and pursued a variety of Eastern traditions. He goes through the myriad of things he tried in his pursuit of the meaning of life and of God including psychedelic drugs. You name it, he did it. Then he found himself in prison and while there he 'overdosed on a books of a metaphysical and meditational output'. One day he had a realization which was the catalyst for his moment of spiritual awakening. He says on page 12 'It dawned on me that I couldn't know anything about God or the spiritual path with this limited mind, so I just gave it up. With this surrender came the first tidal wave of relief and bliss'. He goes on 'then I was hit by the second phase of this surrender process. Not only didn't I know anything about enlightenment, I couldn't do anything about it either! Once again this was followed by tsunami-sized waves of bliss and relief. The awakening was now complete'.
From this there appears to be two conditions which are necessary for spiritual awakening. First a striving to learn and then a letting go. The skill is knowing when to let go. For me I had done nine years of Buddhist study and practice. I had returned from a trip to India which was to track the life of the Buddha as a thank you for the great things it had given to me. When I returned from India and was wondering whether or not to return to Buddhism or do something different. I heard a direct and specific instruction to give it up. The author of this book did something similar. He realised that he had come to the end of everything the mind could give. The seeds had been sown, there was nothing else he could do. He stopped fighting and in that surrender came the peace and bliss that characterises enlightenment.
The story of Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God 1) and this man are similar in that both appealed to something from a place of darkness. There was raw pain which was responded to. Both books are simply and plainly written. There are no great philosophical or theoretical principles examined. They are very much ordinary people's books. Yet the Truths which both contain have been written about albeit in different ways down through the ages.
On my way down the steps from the health centre I heard a loud crash. When I looked down a man had opened his car door and hit the back of a bus. Luckily there was nobody hurt . It was all a bit strange though because the man had parked the car just at the bus stop which is something you don't do. I walked up the road a bit and this man said to me 'looks like that was done on purpose, they are on benefit and can claim off the insurance'. I was quite shocked to hear this and thought 'how can this be the first thing that is thought about and is that man happy to be thinking in this way'.
I think this comes back to how we all see ourselves as separate from everyone else. As a result we feel the need to protect ourselves from people. If there was someway of having the direct experience that we are not separated, that it only appears that way then I'm sure the world would be a happier place. But how to give this. Knowing this, as opposed to understanding is not an experience. It is more of a realization. The Truth that there is no separation between me and another is not an experience it is a realization - a knowing that is absolute and without doubt. There is only one Soul that has as its language consciousness. Universal Soul, universal consciousness, no division only the appearance of being divided. My greatest wish before I die is for this Truth of no separation to become proven in reality and to shift the consciousness to a new level.
After this I went to the supermarket. In the doorway a security guard had apprehended a woman with a bag. It turns out that she had been light fingered and had been caught. I stood and watched what was going on for a while and then went on my way. This is what I love about life what I saw today I will never see again. The talks I have had with people today I won't have again. The sights I saw today are a one-off. This is why I am so grateful to life and everything it brings. I am sure that the universe sees this level of appreciation for the play that it puts on for us everyday in the people we meet and the events that happen. The only thing marring our own appreciation of everything is the significance we put on things. I have learned to play with life and with the things that happen. This doesn't mean that I don't take things seriously and when my friends are in trouble and I don't give 100% I do, it just means that I see the drama for what it is, a game of hide and seek by the Self with the Not-Self.
I was going to go out to toastmasters this evening but my foot is sore and it is raining. The last thing I want to do is slip so reluctantly I will stay put for this evening. It is strange not waiting for my friend to come in from work and many times this afternoon I had to remind myself of my possibility of fun and freedom often not to slide into feeling sorry for myself.....
Monday, 1 October 2007
Human v Spiritual
Woke up this morning at 7am bright eyed and alert. I lay there for a little while connecting with the trees and felt such deep contentment. What is it that wakes me up like this. It is like something wants me to wake up. To begin my day. I was so relaxed lying there. There were no thoughts just a vast expanse of peace, ease, harmony. Then one word came into my mind 'meditate'.
Obediently I got out of bed and lit my candle and sat on the stool. It was no good. How can something that seems easy be so difficult. My mind goes from no thoughts when connecting with nature to overwhelming thoughts when I close my eyes. It remains confusing to me this difference. And yet tomorrow at some point I will find myself doing the same thing - sitting on my stool once again attempting to meditate. Why am I going against my own experience.
My experience of meditation says that it doesn't appear to be of benefit to me. All of the books are categorical in their assurances of the benefits of meditation. There have been a few times when I have finished the meditation in something of an expanded state, but for the majority of the time I have got up thinking - 'that was difficult' and without any confidence in its benefits. But what is it that I want. If I was any more calm and flowing with life I would have to be dead. I say I don't want visions of saints or ascended masters because I am wary of any visions that are seen via the mind. So what else is there? I guess what I am looking for is what is called the state of meditative absorption, that state of samadhi or no thoughts. But I can have that lying in my bed looking and connecting with the trees, why am I so attached to having it sitting on a meditation stool...looked at in this way it doesn't make sense. For some reason I think that the state of meditative absorption sitting on a stool is in someway better, more powerful than the absorption of my consciousness into the vast expanse of nothingness that I achieve lying awake and alert in bed.
I showered and got dressed and turned on my computer to get my messages. To my absolute delight there was an email from my cousin saying she is flying over to stay with me for a few days next Tuesday. I was touched. I love this cousin. She has both an inner and outer beauty and has a deep closeness to the sacred that I resonate with. She also has the most vivid dreams which I love to read about. I envy her this because dreams are something that I do not remember. I know I have them but I never remember them. Anne remembers them and when she tells me about them I can see how filled with meaning they are. And the meanings are always appropriate to where she is at. She is also skilled at interpreting her dreams and as a result can follow where her own spiritual journey is going. This is so good. I often wonder if I could remember and interpret my dreams whether or not I would have recognised that I was on this spiritual path. I only realised it when I had given it all up and then had an experience which convinced me of the need to return. Hence why I write this blog.
Today I received a phone call from a woman who had the same operation as me done by the same surgeon as me. In contrast to me she suffered so much pain. She said to me that the speed of my recovery was 'miraculous'. This got me thinking. The spiritual path is all about surrender. This is no easy task and will be fiercely resisted by the ego. To surrender means to give up all control. Not to cling to either pleasure of pain but to move gracefully between the two knowing that both are necessary for human experience. For this operation I did two things. I surrendered to the universe and as a result there was no fear. I knew that it was the right thing for me to do. I also created the possibility of fun and freedom from the first morning of the operation and everyday since. There were only a few occasions when I allowed this possibility to weaken and when I did I suffered.
Everything in life is a creation. Yes, there is the law of karma where we reap what we sow and nothing can get around that. But even then when karmic events show themselves we are the creators of our own response to it. We have choices in how to respond. Always the choice comes down to do I respond from my ego personality or from my Soul. One response involves defensiveness and justifications, the other acceptance. There is nothing else in life only our own creations and even those should not be made significant. The further I progress on this path the more of a game I see that it is. What is important is the game not the players, the game uses the players like chess pieces. Like the different chess pieces which move in different ways people have gifts and insights that are brought to the world in order to move the game onwards.
I had to go out and post some documents for my parking permit. My car was repaired after the crash and returned. Then I discovered that my parking permit was out of date. I got everything ready to go to the post office. There is no mistaking how everything shifts for me when I get out into the fresh air. I haven't got the words to describe the joy there is for me in being out in nature. I have written more than once that for me nature is the form of the Divine and among the myriad forms of nature I see the Divine reflected and it fills me with awe and wonder. To be able to appreciate nature brings me one step further to appreciating the Divine. My perception is particularly heightened when it comes to nature.
It rained for much of the day here in London but in my heart there was sunshine...
Obediently I got out of bed and lit my candle and sat on the stool. It was no good. How can something that seems easy be so difficult. My mind goes from no thoughts when connecting with nature to overwhelming thoughts when I close my eyes. It remains confusing to me this difference. And yet tomorrow at some point I will find myself doing the same thing - sitting on my stool once again attempting to meditate. Why am I going against my own experience.
My experience of meditation says that it doesn't appear to be of benefit to me. All of the books are categorical in their assurances of the benefits of meditation. There have been a few times when I have finished the meditation in something of an expanded state, but for the majority of the time I have got up thinking - 'that was difficult' and without any confidence in its benefits. But what is it that I want. If I was any more calm and flowing with life I would have to be dead. I say I don't want visions of saints or ascended masters because I am wary of any visions that are seen via the mind. So what else is there? I guess what I am looking for is what is called the state of meditative absorption, that state of samadhi or no thoughts. But I can have that lying in my bed looking and connecting with the trees, why am I so attached to having it sitting on a meditation stool...looked at in this way it doesn't make sense. For some reason I think that the state of meditative absorption sitting on a stool is in someway better, more powerful than the absorption of my consciousness into the vast expanse of nothingness that I achieve lying awake and alert in bed.
I showered and got dressed and turned on my computer to get my messages. To my absolute delight there was an email from my cousin saying she is flying over to stay with me for a few days next Tuesday. I was touched. I love this cousin. She has both an inner and outer beauty and has a deep closeness to the sacred that I resonate with. She also has the most vivid dreams which I love to read about. I envy her this because dreams are something that I do not remember. I know I have them but I never remember them. Anne remembers them and when she tells me about them I can see how filled with meaning they are. And the meanings are always appropriate to where she is at. She is also skilled at interpreting her dreams and as a result can follow where her own spiritual journey is going. This is so good. I often wonder if I could remember and interpret my dreams whether or not I would have recognised that I was on this spiritual path. I only realised it when I had given it all up and then had an experience which convinced me of the need to return. Hence why I write this blog.
Today I received a phone call from a woman who had the same operation as me done by the same surgeon as me. In contrast to me she suffered so much pain. She said to me that the speed of my recovery was 'miraculous'. This got me thinking. The spiritual path is all about surrender. This is no easy task and will be fiercely resisted by the ego. To surrender means to give up all control. Not to cling to either pleasure of pain but to move gracefully between the two knowing that both are necessary for human experience. For this operation I did two things. I surrendered to the universe and as a result there was no fear. I knew that it was the right thing for me to do. I also created the possibility of fun and freedom from the first morning of the operation and everyday since. There were only a few occasions when I allowed this possibility to weaken and when I did I suffered.
Everything in life is a creation. Yes, there is the law of karma where we reap what we sow and nothing can get around that. But even then when karmic events show themselves we are the creators of our own response to it. We have choices in how to respond. Always the choice comes down to do I respond from my ego personality or from my Soul. One response involves defensiveness and justifications, the other acceptance. There is nothing else in life only our own creations and even those should not be made significant. The further I progress on this path the more of a game I see that it is. What is important is the game not the players, the game uses the players like chess pieces. Like the different chess pieces which move in different ways people have gifts and insights that are brought to the world in order to move the game onwards.
I had to go out and post some documents for my parking permit. My car was repaired after the crash and returned. Then I discovered that my parking permit was out of date. I got everything ready to go to the post office. There is no mistaking how everything shifts for me when I get out into the fresh air. I haven't got the words to describe the joy there is for me in being out in nature. I have written more than once that for me nature is the form of the Divine and among the myriad forms of nature I see the Divine reflected and it fills me with awe and wonder. To be able to appreciate nature brings me one step further to appreciating the Divine. My perception is particularly heightened when it comes to nature.
It rained for much of the day here in London but in my heart there was sunshine...
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