Saturday, 6 October 2007

Back on track.....

I've just returned from re-starting my assisting agreement with Landmark and I feel so alive. I know that I am at my happiest when I forget me and enter into other people's worlds. It is then that I truly come alive. I am a stand for transformation which is nothing more than seeing the familiar in a new powerful and empowering way. This doesn't have to be a big and overwhelming job, it happens in small stages. At the end of one phone call the person I was speaking to said 'thank you so much for calling, I never thought of it like that, it's been so useful'. I was so happy. I know that this appreciation was genuine because in a phone call there are no visual distractions so I was focussed solely on the voice and the phone call and it was genuine. No amount of money can give me the feeling when I know that something I have said has inspired another. This is the work of my Soul. This is Service. It is when I feel at my most alive. Everything else is a poor substitute.

It is so different to how I woke up this morning. I received some bad news yesterday and it knocked me. It wasn't the news itself but the impact which has huge implications that darkened my mood. I woke up early and got up to meditate. Then I had breakfast and was mooching around here in my flat, picking up one book and then another but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I had a frustration and a helplessness that I didn't seem able to get to the root of.

But once inside the Landmark office and when I spoke to someone about the news I received I realised that I was taking responsibility for the news that I had received even though it didn't have anything to do with me. I am aware that this is fairly cryptic writing and for that I apologise. I cannot be specific because I have not obtained the permission to do so. But once I was shown how I was taking on something that I didn't have to I felt lighter. I had a chat with my manager and settled down to calling graduates to welcome them to a living passionately seminar that they had registered for.

In the promotional literature for the seminar which included a quote from a Zen poet I was struck by the similarities of what the seminar promises and the spiritual path. To see no distinction between work and play and to treat both exactly the same is in spiritual terms to be enlightened. In Landmark terms it is to live a passionate life and live life passionately. I have said that Landmark does not promote itself as a spiritual programme but for me the parallels are everywhere and obvious. Or is it because I have a spiritual mind that I interpret everything from within that context. The programme has trained thousands of people and yet there aren't many more enlightened people. For me though it has accelerated my spiritual path like nothing else.

So now it is Saturday night and I am in writing my blog. I have decided to venture into romantic waters even though this is the area where I experience my most confusion. The biggest problem with me is that I rarely feel this thing called chemistry so you could line up all the men that I have been out with against the wall and apart from 1 none of them would mean anything. All lovely guys in their own right but no click of chemistry. I was listening to a programme with George Michael and he talked about that 'click of chemistry that happens across a crowded room' and I felt a twinge of envy. This seems to be something either I am denying myself because of some story I am running that spiritual people don't have relationships which is complete garbage, or it is the way it is meant to be.

I say I want a relationship but then when there is one in the offing I do everything in my power to sabotage it. I have referred to my men guards in earlier blog posts. These days they have been asleep because I have not been at my regular gym classes on a Sunday morning where self-sabotage is quite a regular occurence with me and one guy. Although he has my telephone number and hasn't called to see how the operation went, so maybe the self-sabotage was and is self-survival. The bigger part of me knows something that I don't and stops the little part making a fool of herself. I don't know but just occasionally I get the feeling that there is something big missing from my life.....

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