Gosh it's getting really busy these days. Earlier in the week I gave a presentation to my team on how to bring in 50K to an organisation. This has been a direct result of me giving up the need to control. Since doing that I am able to see opportunities and avenues that in the past I would not have been able to see. It is all a question of freeing up energy. In the past I was using a lot of energy trying to control. Now all of that energy is freed up to create instead of maintain control and the result of it all is freedom and ease.
I had done some preparation for this presentation and apart from one shaky moment at the beginning I sailed right through it. At one point I looked down the table and I had 14 or so pairs of eyes on me alert and attentive and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want what comes out of my mouth to interest, inspire and move people and my focus is going to be on spiritual development. I am going to inspire people to really take on the spiritual path. There is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual development and of these I assert that it is the spiritual path that has been most neglected. I have my training structure in the 3 stages of spiritual development that I have often written about in this blog. Since given in my notice at work I am much more self-expressed in this whole area. I am declaring that this is who I am and what I stand for and as a result my communication is more authoritative without being forceful.
The training that I am doing with Landmark that I often write about and attribute many of my breakthroughs to is training me and those who do their courses to be extraordinary people. The choice is always there to be ordinary but the tools that are provided give the access to being extraordinary. A couple of years ago I introduced a friend to the first of these trainings the Landmark Forum she has since gone on to do more training. At some point the integrity of what we do versus what it is in integrity to do comes up and the result can be painful. I have known for some time that she has been unhappy in her work but like me she valued a safe and secure job above taking the risk of uncertainty. In my experience this can only operate like this for a while and a couple of days ago she walked out of her job to pursue her long held dream about writing a book about her ancestors.
I spoke to her at length last night and at the end of the call she told me that I was speaking differently and that everything I said had resonated with her and was powerful. I am not attributing this to me or my brilliance just to what occurs when the courage to step out from certainty to uncertainty is shown.
But I still have wobbly moments. Every morning this week I meant to get up early and clear some shelves or cupboards and I didn't do this any morning this week. But I'm not giving myself a hard time about it I have the faith and confidence that it will get done. I paid down the deposit on the room in Brighton and I have all my books for the course and I am really looking forward to getting down there and starting. I was writing some handover notes for the people who are going to be taking over from me and as I was writing and editing them I thought again about how I really love the magic that comes from making words form sentences on a page. Words are so rich and can create worlds and this is what I absolutely love.
My dream is still to have my own magazine based on my book and which would be all about spiritual development as opposed to psychic development. Cultivating spiritual intelligence makes for a happy and fulfilled life....why because it is being true to that which underlies and underpins our human coating......
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
After I finished writing my blog last night I went into my bedroom to prepare a ritual for connecting with the Ascended Master Djwhal Khul. I assembled the gold candle and lit it, found the picture of Master Khul in my purse. I didn't want to take the picture out of my purse because is is only paper so precious minutes were spent trying to balance the purse precariously beside the candle with the flap open so I could see his picture. Then I balanced myself on my meditation stool and started to read the invocation to this Hierophansis who would be the intermediary and connect me to Djwhal Khul....yeah right. The only light I had was the light from the candle so I couldn't really see what I was reading. I persevered valiantly and when I had finished reading the invocation I put the paper aside and started to meditate. What a shambles. My mind was everywhere. At one point I thought I could smell burning and thought that the candle had taken fire to the purse. It was a complete and utter shambles and afterwards I felt so stupid.
I had been so sure that I would make a connection but then this is what the mind does it sets up expectations. I have found on this path that I am daring to call spiritual that it is when I have the most expectation that I have the least results. The energy of this Ascended Master was strong around me yesterday that it seemed the right next step somehow to make contact with the energy but it's obviously not and so once again I must be patient and wait for the next step that will unfold without any expectation from me. Time and time again I get taught this lesson and I never listen. I think I know better how this path is going to unfold for me and that is nothing but egotistical arrogance which on the spiritual path is severely punished.
I finished the meditation early and the rest of evening felt so flat. This is an effect of expectation when the mind creates expectatations that don't happen it colours the rest of life. This is why if possible a life lived without any expectation is a happy life. Imagine a life without thoughts or expectations what would that look like. Our thoughts determine whether or not we are happy. We believe our thoughts to be the truth and give them the power to make us happy or unhappy. Bryon Katie has written a great book called 'who would you be without your story'. It is the same as saying 'who would you be without your thoughts' because it is our thoughts that create the story we put around events that happen in our lives. I was heartened to read that she had her experience of awakening in 1986 and yet I have only been aware of her and her work in the last couple of years. It seems to take time for an experience of Awakening to settle down into a form that can be taught and inspire others. Maybe I just want everything too quick.
Today I had a lovely surprise at work. A guy who I don't know and who works in a different department to me sent me an email asking if he could buy my book. I was thrilled and sold him a copy this morning. Some time later I got an email saying how much he was enjoying it.
This is the beauty of life and being open to every opportunity the magic and miracles that happen every day....
I had been so sure that I would make a connection but then this is what the mind does it sets up expectations. I have found on this path that I am daring to call spiritual that it is when I have the most expectation that I have the least results. The energy of this Ascended Master was strong around me yesterday that it seemed the right next step somehow to make contact with the energy but it's obviously not and so once again I must be patient and wait for the next step that will unfold without any expectation from me. Time and time again I get taught this lesson and I never listen. I think I know better how this path is going to unfold for me and that is nothing but egotistical arrogance which on the spiritual path is severely punished.
I finished the meditation early and the rest of evening felt so flat. This is an effect of expectation when the mind creates expectatations that don't happen it colours the rest of life. This is why if possible a life lived without any expectation is a happy life. Imagine a life without thoughts or expectations what would that look like. Our thoughts determine whether or not we are happy. We believe our thoughts to be the truth and give them the power to make us happy or unhappy. Bryon Katie has written a great book called 'who would you be without your story'. It is the same as saying 'who would you be without your thoughts' because it is our thoughts that create the story we put around events that happen in our lives. I was heartened to read that she had her experience of awakening in 1986 and yet I have only been aware of her and her work in the last couple of years. It seems to take time for an experience of Awakening to settle down into a form that can be taught and inspire others. Maybe I just want everything too quick.
Today I had a lovely surprise at work. A guy who I don't know and who works in a different department to me sent me an email asking if he could buy my book. I was thrilled and sold him a copy this morning. Some time later I got an email saying how much he was enjoying it.
This is the beauty of life and being open to every opportunity the magic and miracles that happen every day....
Monday, 12 January 2009
Feeling the presence.....of an Ascended Master....
Since I wrote the blog entry about Djwhal Khul. I have been thinking about the whole area of spiritual chanelling. My journey these days is strange in that I find myself revisiting areas that I thought I was clear about. One of these areas is chanelling. In the past I was very dubious and sceptical of those who claimed to channel some spirit entity. Since giving up my need to control everything I seen to be more receptive to a spirit channel. I think I recognise that in order to bring forth information that is not already available or else to bring it through in a different form is going to require more than my own consciousness. As I write this I remember reading once where the Buddha gave his most powerful sermons after a period of meditation.
Many years ago when I was trying to make sense of an experience that had happened to me I requested a taped consultation with a medium. He was a friend of my Reiki master and so I wrote him a letter giving the details of my experience and asked him a couple of questions. The tape came back, I listened to it and then promptly forgot about it. Today I received by email a paper from this same person chanelling the words of The Archangel Hierophanisis (I have never heard of this spirit entity). The gist of the information that came through via Edwin Courtenay who channelled him was the need to have an intermediary on the journey to the Divine. An intermediary that would act as a guide and a protection. This is in direct conflict to what I had thought before. I didn't believe in the need for an intermediary - why do you need a middle-man when you can go direct to the Source. Then to my amazement I read a couple of sentences which seemed to give me a direct answer and I quote them 'modern day mediums are encouraged always to make a strong connection first with their guides for their spirit guide will help them, and will protect and ensure that the link which they are endeavouring to achieve is secure and strong, has integrity and is safe and that they are protected from all ofther forces, existing within the band width that they are seeking contact in, which might otherwise do them harm or mislead them from the light and truth'.
Is this the reason why I have not been able to stop thinking about the Ascended Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul? Is this my link to achieving what I cannot achieve on my own. It is interesting that he is the Master I pulled out of a card pack of Masters on my Reiki training and then I went on to read all of the books he channelled through Alice Bailey. I felt a strong compulsion to try to find a picture of him and so I did a search on the Internet. I was amazed when it said that his vibrational colour was Emerald green because I am also Emerald being born in May. Totally out of character for me I found myself printing off a small pocket size photo of him and cutting it down to a size that fits inside my purse so that every time I open it I will see him. I don't know what to make of this behaviour of mine.
It seems like finally being true to myself and making the decision to leave and pursue with integrity an open spiritual path whatever form that is going to take is giving me an access to energies that I didn't have before. In the past I would not have been open to things like channelling but it's like my consciousness is shifting yet again. This is the fascination of the spiritual path and of how I am travelling it, like a witness, always watching and alert to shifts in my own consciousness and then writing objectively about what is happening.....
Many years ago when I was trying to make sense of an experience that had happened to me I requested a taped consultation with a medium. He was a friend of my Reiki master and so I wrote him a letter giving the details of my experience and asked him a couple of questions. The tape came back, I listened to it and then promptly forgot about it. Today I received by email a paper from this same person chanelling the words of The Archangel Hierophanisis (I have never heard of this spirit entity). The gist of the information that came through via Edwin Courtenay who channelled him was the need to have an intermediary on the journey to the Divine. An intermediary that would act as a guide and a protection. This is in direct conflict to what I had thought before. I didn't believe in the need for an intermediary - why do you need a middle-man when you can go direct to the Source. Then to my amazement I read a couple of sentences which seemed to give me a direct answer and I quote them 'modern day mediums are encouraged always to make a strong connection first with their guides for their spirit guide will help them, and will protect and ensure that the link which they are endeavouring to achieve is secure and strong, has integrity and is safe and that they are protected from all ofther forces, existing within the band width that they are seeking contact in, which might otherwise do them harm or mislead them from the light and truth'.
Is this the reason why I have not been able to stop thinking about the Ascended Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul? Is this my link to achieving what I cannot achieve on my own. It is interesting that he is the Master I pulled out of a card pack of Masters on my Reiki training and then I went on to read all of the books he channelled through Alice Bailey. I felt a strong compulsion to try to find a picture of him and so I did a search on the Internet. I was amazed when it said that his vibrational colour was Emerald green because I am also Emerald being born in May. Totally out of character for me I found myself printing off a small pocket size photo of him and cutting it down to a size that fits inside my purse so that every time I open it I will see him. I don't know what to make of this behaviour of mine.
It seems like finally being true to myself and making the decision to leave and pursue with integrity an open spiritual path whatever form that is going to take is giving me an access to energies that I didn't have before. In the past I would not have been open to things like channelling but it's like my consciousness is shifting yet again. This is the fascination of the spiritual path and of how I am travelling it, like a witness, always watching and alert to shifts in my own consciousness and then writing objectively about what is happening.....
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Yesterday I went to Brighton to look for somewhere to live. I have been amazed at just how calm I have been since my wobble on New Years Day. I arrived in Brighton and it was a beautiful sunny day. I had 3 places to look at and I felt positive. The first place I looked at was in the centre of Brighton and it was just awful. There was rotting floorboards and paint peeling off the walls and ceiling. I know that it is because it is in the centre of Brighton that it is in such bad condition because it will let very easily to a young student. I am not young and so I am not going to subject myself to those conditions.
I then looked for a bus to take me to the other location which was out of Brighton about 5 miles. I got on the bus and asked the driver whether he knew of the place where I needed to go. His attitude and manner was rude and abrupt. I tried again by asking him if he knew where a specific church was that was near to where I needed to get to. Again, he was rude and without even looking to see what I was pointing to said 'look, I don't know where you want to go and I can't help you'. Before I did the communication curriculum and learned the distinctions from the new model of communication I would have gone right into the old model of making him wrong and being really upset and lose all of my power in the situation. Instead I remembered a distinction called 'giving something up'. I gave up that there was anything wrong in the way he was treating me. Me giving this up created the space for me not to be upset. I then smiled and said 'well it looks like that I'm not riding on your bus today' and jumped off.
The bus pulled off and I sat on the bench at the bus stop amazed at how powerfully I had handled that without feeling any stress or upset. This is the power of the distinctions of the communication curriculum that I am being trained in using for 1 year. I was so calm and able to be with everything. What I also saw was in the space of no upset or making him wrong I had a clarity and could think about other options. I know what would have happened before I would have gone into a blind panic and when there is panic there is no clarity. The sun was beaming down on me and I just sat there enjoying the connection and the warmth and I extended huge acknowledgement and gratitude to what....I honestly don't know.
While I was sitting there I received a call from a friend. I told him that the room I had looked at was terrible and he turned out to know someone who is a landlord in Brighton. He wrote down the kind of accommodation I am looking for and said he would 'see what he could do'. I was so amazed at this turn of events. I hadn't heard from him since before Christmas and then when I was feeling lost but not having the physical signs of being lost in terms of being pannicked and upset....there he was.
Another bus came along and this time the driver couldn't have been more friendly and helpful. He knew exactly where I wanted to go. I found the house and spoke to the lady who is renting the room. It was nicer than the first one because of being that further out fro m Brighton. I got a nice feel to the house and am now thinking about whether or not to call her to confirm that I will take this room. Something is telling me to hold off for now. What I have found amazing is that since I have given up being in control, I now seem to have control but it is with a freedom and ease that was missing before. My lack of upset when I couldn't get to where I wanted to go the first time is a sign of being OK about not being in total control of the situation right then. I also noticed that in the past when something like this would happen that I would go and buy some chocolate or something sweet. It was my way of dealing with stress. I knew it was stress hunger because it came on the minute something didn't go my way or I couldn't control it and could only be satisfied by something sweet. An apple would never have done it. This time when I couldn't get on the bus which would normally have been a trigger for me, there was no trigger. This is so much a victory over the past and I savour and am so grateful for each time I can see how my way of being is a victory over the past.
I had to return to London because we had a classroom that evening. I arranged to meet up with a woman on Team who lives and works in Brighton. Even though the day hadn't been that productive and I was freezing because of all the walking I had done to enroll for my course with the college and go and view rooms I was also incredibly relaxed and the journey was fun and enjoyable. The classroom began with a discussion on integrity and the impact when integrity is out. I was sitting there feeling smug and saying to myself 'my integrity is never out because I am always here on time and never have to restore my integrity'. Then what I realized which really shocked me is that I only have integrity because I want to look good, I want to be a good girl so that I don't get singled out. I also use integrity as a kind of bargaining tool. A kind of 'I will keep my word and then life will work out for me'. This has no power and is inauthentic in that it is 'in order to'. Anything that is an 'in order to ' lacks integrity and is not authentic. I got the impact of only having integrity to look good or as an insurance policy and I felt myself go hot and cold in the seat. The power of transformation comes in the impact. The impact is felt and then transformation happens. Transformation is the shifting of a context. So in that moment integrity shifted for me from being about looking good to others and myself to being authentically about it being a foundation for power without any 'in order to'.
This is the power that comes when we really 'get' something. To get something is for it to penetrate deep to the cellls of the body. Now that I have seen and got that, I can never go back to using integrity as an 'in order to'. I can, but now it will be a choice if and when I do. Before last night how I was using it was hidden from my view. It was an inauthentic way of being that I had around integrity, it wasn't wrong but it had no power. What I saw also is that this inauthentic way of being had nothing to do with me consciously creating it that way. It is what the personality with the identity did in order to survive which is what its concerned with. Its not concerned about transformation or being powerful. In fact it is the opposite, it views transformation as a threat to its existence which is why it is so covert in how it drives our behaviour. All of these insights and understandings made last night a powerful classroom for me.
Today I went on a training session which was to do with listening. Listening is the first of 2 abilities that comprise communication, the first being speaking. I learned how it is the listening that I have for another that gives the context for what it is I say to the person I am speaking with. If my listening for another is that they are not great then the content of what I say will reflect the context of this listening. I found this also very powerful. The training I am doing in becoming a master in the new model of communication involves a lot of self-expression and saying what's there. What I hadn't really taken on before today was the power that listening has in creating effective communication. I really understand that now and I am committed to trying out some of what I learned today.
I don't have long more to go for work. At work I cannot believe how everything is flowing and I am managing to get all of my handover notes written. I seem to have a clarity about my job now that I am leaving that I never thought I had when I was doing it which seems a bit bizarre but that is how it feels.
I'm going to do some meditation now. That is another area that has totally turned around. I look forward now to sitting for up to an hour. I have started doing visualisations using the 7 chakras of the body. This is strange because in the past I have always thought 'the existence of chakras hasn't been proven therefore I'm not going to work with them'. Coming across the book on Ascension and Transformation has shifted all that. Now when I meditate and visualise the chakras and their colours they feel very real to me. I imagine the crown chakra opening and it feels like it does, then the 3rd eye and so on down to the base chakra which houses the powerful transformative kundalini energy. I still have tremendous awe and respect for this energy at the base of the spine and am careful not to force my meditation at certain chakras. If it is to rise again it will do so in its own time and without being forced will be natural and safe.
After I do my meditation I am then going to tackle more shelves and wardrobes here and get more stuff into boxes for the charity shop. I can't explain it but I really feel that there's a clean out in every area of my life at the moment. Could it be that all of the time I have spent playing safe and small was preparation for what this year is going to bring. I would like to end by sharing a sentence that ended my traininig today; it was 'It's 2009 - the year to shine........the only way to shine is to be true to oneself and others and to also be willing to consider that there is lots of things hidden from our view and have the willingness to go into an enquiry. As Plato said 'the unexamined life is not worth living'.....
I then looked for a bus to take me to the other location which was out of Brighton about 5 miles. I got on the bus and asked the driver whether he knew of the place where I needed to go. His attitude and manner was rude and abrupt. I tried again by asking him if he knew where a specific church was that was near to where I needed to get to. Again, he was rude and without even looking to see what I was pointing to said 'look, I don't know where you want to go and I can't help you'. Before I did the communication curriculum and learned the distinctions from the new model of communication I would have gone right into the old model of making him wrong and being really upset and lose all of my power in the situation. Instead I remembered a distinction called 'giving something up'. I gave up that there was anything wrong in the way he was treating me. Me giving this up created the space for me not to be upset. I then smiled and said 'well it looks like that I'm not riding on your bus today' and jumped off.
The bus pulled off and I sat on the bench at the bus stop amazed at how powerfully I had handled that without feeling any stress or upset. This is the power of the distinctions of the communication curriculum that I am being trained in using for 1 year. I was so calm and able to be with everything. What I also saw was in the space of no upset or making him wrong I had a clarity and could think about other options. I know what would have happened before I would have gone into a blind panic and when there is panic there is no clarity. The sun was beaming down on me and I just sat there enjoying the connection and the warmth and I extended huge acknowledgement and gratitude to what....I honestly don't know.
While I was sitting there I received a call from a friend. I told him that the room I had looked at was terrible and he turned out to know someone who is a landlord in Brighton. He wrote down the kind of accommodation I am looking for and said he would 'see what he could do'. I was so amazed at this turn of events. I hadn't heard from him since before Christmas and then when I was feeling lost but not having the physical signs of being lost in terms of being pannicked and upset....there he was.
Another bus came along and this time the driver couldn't have been more friendly and helpful. He knew exactly where I wanted to go. I found the house and spoke to the lady who is renting the room. It was nicer than the first one because of being that further out fro m Brighton. I got a nice feel to the house and am now thinking about whether or not to call her to confirm that I will take this room. Something is telling me to hold off for now. What I have found amazing is that since I have given up being in control, I now seem to have control but it is with a freedom and ease that was missing before. My lack of upset when I couldn't get to where I wanted to go the first time is a sign of being OK about not being in total control of the situation right then. I also noticed that in the past when something like this would happen that I would go and buy some chocolate or something sweet. It was my way of dealing with stress. I knew it was stress hunger because it came on the minute something didn't go my way or I couldn't control it and could only be satisfied by something sweet. An apple would never have done it. This time when I couldn't get on the bus which would normally have been a trigger for me, there was no trigger. This is so much a victory over the past and I savour and am so grateful for each time I can see how my way of being is a victory over the past.
I had to return to London because we had a classroom that evening. I arranged to meet up with a woman on Team who lives and works in Brighton. Even though the day hadn't been that productive and I was freezing because of all the walking I had done to enroll for my course with the college and go and view rooms I was also incredibly relaxed and the journey was fun and enjoyable. The classroom began with a discussion on integrity and the impact when integrity is out. I was sitting there feeling smug and saying to myself 'my integrity is never out because I am always here on time and never have to restore my integrity'. Then what I realized which really shocked me is that I only have integrity because I want to look good, I want to be a good girl so that I don't get singled out. I also use integrity as a kind of bargaining tool. A kind of 'I will keep my word and then life will work out for me'. This has no power and is inauthentic in that it is 'in order to'. Anything that is an 'in order to ' lacks integrity and is not authentic. I got the impact of only having integrity to look good or as an insurance policy and I felt myself go hot and cold in the seat. The power of transformation comes in the impact. The impact is felt and then transformation happens. Transformation is the shifting of a context. So in that moment integrity shifted for me from being about looking good to others and myself to being authentically about it being a foundation for power without any 'in order to'.
This is the power that comes when we really 'get' something. To get something is for it to penetrate deep to the cellls of the body. Now that I have seen and got that, I can never go back to using integrity as an 'in order to'. I can, but now it will be a choice if and when I do. Before last night how I was using it was hidden from my view. It was an inauthentic way of being that I had around integrity, it wasn't wrong but it had no power. What I saw also is that this inauthentic way of being had nothing to do with me consciously creating it that way. It is what the personality with the identity did in order to survive which is what its concerned with. Its not concerned about transformation or being powerful. In fact it is the opposite, it views transformation as a threat to its existence which is why it is so covert in how it drives our behaviour. All of these insights and understandings made last night a powerful classroom for me.
Today I went on a training session which was to do with listening. Listening is the first of 2 abilities that comprise communication, the first being speaking. I learned how it is the listening that I have for another that gives the context for what it is I say to the person I am speaking with. If my listening for another is that they are not great then the content of what I say will reflect the context of this listening. I found this also very powerful. The training I am doing in becoming a master in the new model of communication involves a lot of self-expression and saying what's there. What I hadn't really taken on before today was the power that listening has in creating effective communication. I really understand that now and I am committed to trying out some of what I learned today.
I don't have long more to go for work. At work I cannot believe how everything is flowing and I am managing to get all of my handover notes written. I seem to have a clarity about my job now that I am leaving that I never thought I had when I was doing it which seems a bit bizarre but that is how it feels.
I'm going to do some meditation now. That is another area that has totally turned around. I look forward now to sitting for up to an hour. I have started doing visualisations using the 7 chakras of the body. This is strange because in the past I have always thought 'the existence of chakras hasn't been proven therefore I'm not going to work with them'. Coming across the book on Ascension and Transformation has shifted all that. Now when I meditate and visualise the chakras and their colours they feel very real to me. I imagine the crown chakra opening and it feels like it does, then the 3rd eye and so on down to the base chakra which houses the powerful transformative kundalini energy. I still have tremendous awe and respect for this energy at the base of the spine and am careful not to force my meditation at certain chakras. If it is to rise again it will do so in its own time and without being forced will be natural and safe.
After I do my meditation I am then going to tackle more shelves and wardrobes here and get more stuff into boxes for the charity shop. I can't explain it but I really feel that there's a clean out in every area of my life at the moment. Could it be that all of the time I have spent playing safe and small was preparation for what this year is going to bring. I would like to end by sharing a sentence that ended my traininig today; it was 'It's 2009 - the year to shine........the only way to shine is to be true to oneself and others and to also be willing to consider that there is lots of things hidden from our view and have the willingness to go into an enquiry. As Plato said 'the unexamined life is not worth living'.....
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
After I did my meditation last night I had this strong compulsion to clean out the books that are in the bedroom and that I haven't looked at for ages. I have been slowly clearing out this flat and it feels like it is a reflection of my life. The hardest part is putting the books into the brown boxes ready to take to the charity shop but once they are in the box then I feel a huge sense of freedom.
However one book I rediscovered and which I have been drawn freshly to again is called 'Prelude to Ascension' - Tools for Transformation. It is a channelled text which means that a spirit used a human form to channell information designed to raise the vibration of the human consciousness. The human channel in this case was a lady called Janet McClure. The spirit whom she channelled was the Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul. I don't remember reading much of this book when I first got it. It is written in a very casual and conversational tone.
I had some concerns after writing my blog last night about what I wrote about my addictive bingeing and was wondering whether or not there really is any connection between addiction and spirituality. I started to read a few lines of this book and was amazed when it spoke about the link between addictions, beliefs and the sub-conscious. I quote from page 20 'You must, in a sense free the physical vehicle of all of its addictions before freeing the belief structure - and yet you must free the belief structure before freeing the physical addictions'. So what I wrote is a natural part of the personality but is unacceptable when on a spiritual path which is why so much importance is laid on freeing the consciousness from all addictions no matter what they might be.
Finding this book again is significant for another reason. When I was doing my Reiki 1 training my teacher had cards of all of the Ascended Masters and they were laid face down on the table. We were all asked to choose one. When I turned my card over it was of Djwhal Khul. I had no idea who he was but I remember feeling quite comforted by the fact that it was him. After that I went on to read most of the books that he channelled through Alice Bailey and I always found them easy to read and understand. I see all of them like a story. So it was strange to once again find myself in contact with this Tibetan Master. Yet I have a deep fear of channelling. It's all about control again and I thought that I had given all of that up. I don't want my consciousness to be taken over by a spirit no matter how ascended he or she might be. Yet how can I be open to real and powerful transformation if I want to be in charge all of the time. Transformation happens and I'm not aware of it and so to refuse to be a channell and bring through information from other realms that would change and shift this world is very small of me.
As I write this I am looking at the picture of Janet McClure that is on the back of the book. She left her body in 1990. Is this Tibetan Master looking for another body aagh....I don't want it to be me at least not yet. I don't think I'm ready to set aside my own opinions and views and have the kind of openess and trust that being an effective channel requires. I do find it a bit strange how this has happened again at this time. What I also realised from reading a couple of the chapters is how at home I am with channelled information. I have been so busy with the team management and leadership programme that my spiritual reading has been neglected. I was reminded again last night just how comfortable I am with it all. I felt in sync with the text when it talked about the need for balance of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual and how sometimes one takes over at the expense of the others. I could relate to this in that for so many years my emotions were repressed in favour of the spiritual which led to me being unbalanced. It is always good to have ideas confirmed by texts like these. What I know for sure is that there is only one Truth but infinite ways to that Truth.
I remain positive about what the future is going to hold. Having such an ease and understanding of the transformation that leads to ascension has boosted my confidence in the decision I have made..... My powerful meditations are also offering the same insights....
However one book I rediscovered and which I have been drawn freshly to again is called 'Prelude to Ascension' - Tools for Transformation. It is a channelled text which means that a spirit used a human form to channell information designed to raise the vibration of the human consciousness. The human channel in this case was a lady called Janet McClure. The spirit whom she channelled was the Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul. I don't remember reading much of this book when I first got it. It is written in a very casual and conversational tone.
I had some concerns after writing my blog last night about what I wrote about my addictive bingeing and was wondering whether or not there really is any connection between addiction and spirituality. I started to read a few lines of this book and was amazed when it spoke about the link between addictions, beliefs and the sub-conscious. I quote from page 20 'You must, in a sense free the physical vehicle of all of its addictions before freeing the belief structure - and yet you must free the belief structure before freeing the physical addictions'. So what I wrote is a natural part of the personality but is unacceptable when on a spiritual path which is why so much importance is laid on freeing the consciousness from all addictions no matter what they might be.
Finding this book again is significant for another reason. When I was doing my Reiki 1 training my teacher had cards of all of the Ascended Masters and they were laid face down on the table. We were all asked to choose one. When I turned my card over it was of Djwhal Khul. I had no idea who he was but I remember feeling quite comforted by the fact that it was him. After that I went on to read most of the books that he channelled through Alice Bailey and I always found them easy to read and understand. I see all of them like a story. So it was strange to once again find myself in contact with this Tibetan Master. Yet I have a deep fear of channelling. It's all about control again and I thought that I had given all of that up. I don't want my consciousness to be taken over by a spirit no matter how ascended he or she might be. Yet how can I be open to real and powerful transformation if I want to be in charge all of the time. Transformation happens and I'm not aware of it and so to refuse to be a channell and bring through information from other realms that would change and shift this world is very small of me.
As I write this I am looking at the picture of Janet McClure that is on the back of the book. She left her body in 1990. Is this Tibetan Master looking for another body aagh....I don't want it to be me at least not yet. I don't think I'm ready to set aside my own opinions and views and have the kind of openess and trust that being an effective channel requires. I do find it a bit strange how this has happened again at this time. What I also realised from reading a couple of the chapters is how at home I am with channelled information. I have been so busy with the team management and leadership programme that my spiritual reading has been neglected. I was reminded again last night just how comfortable I am with it all. I felt in sync with the text when it talked about the need for balance of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual and how sometimes one takes over at the expense of the others. I could relate to this in that for so many years my emotions were repressed in favour of the spiritual which led to me being unbalanced. It is always good to have ideas confirmed by texts like these. What I know for sure is that there is only one Truth but infinite ways to that Truth.
I remain positive about what the future is going to hold. Having such an ease and understanding of the transformation that leads to ascension has boosted my confidence in the decision I have made..... My powerful meditations are also offering the same insights....
Monday, 5 January 2009
The more I meditate.....the more life flows....
I am finding that the more that I meditate the more that life flows and I have lots of energy. I am convinced that stress is the sole cause of illness. I have written about my breakdown on New Years Day with trying to develop a spreadsheet. This caused me to have more stress in that hour than I have had most of the year. I noticed that in the evening on New Years Day I had a blocked nose and a cough. Up to that morning I was perfectly healthy. There was no sickness among any of the members of my family or relatives. I noticed that the last time I had something similar was a day after I gave in my notice at work. It was interesting at work today that so many people came back either with colds or were off sick altogether. I am grateful that I can see so clearly this connection. I wonder if it's the kind of permanent underlying stress that results in more serious illnesses. I am not a doctor so this is just me using this blog to speculate.
I am so de-mob happy at work. I have loads to do to get ready handover notes for whoever is going to take over my portfolio but somehow I know that I will get them done. The people who I thought might be interested in renting out my flat are not so that it is a slight worry but tomorrow I will contact another estate agent and put it with them. I know that if I always keep the end goal in mind and then take little regular steps towards that goal that everything will work out. It is when we have a goal in one area of life but are working in another that great things cannot be achieved because the lack of integrity confuses the universe and so nothing magical or amazing can be created. To live a life that works there has to be integrity. I wonder if it is because I have finally accepted that I have no integrity working where I am given who and what I say I am and am doing something about it that I feel so happy and so self-expressed and without any self-consciousness.
One amazing thing also is that for as long as I can remember I have had an eating disorder, not anorexia or bulimia but a destructive pattern of emotional binge-eating. For the first time since I was 12 I didn't binge at home this Christmas. In fact, I haven't binged at all since I gave in my notice at work. Before I would come home from work, sit on the couch lacking in energy and then eat whatever was here in the flat. Then the morning would come and my first thoughts would be ones of self-hatred and then I would drag myself to the gym to try to undo the effects of the night before. At one point I thought that this was a spiritual training for my ego, in case I was becoming too ego inflated with all of the spiritual insights I was having. I see now that it was just a simple case of me using food to block out uncomfortable emotions about what I should be doing with my life. I was trying to block out the inner urgings not to live a life that was about playing safe and small and because I didn't want to be with those emotions I put myself into a food trance. The sense of freedom now that I feel knowing that I can go to the gym solely for the enjoyment of exercise and not as some self-purgation is just enormous. To wake up in the morning and for the first thought not to be what did I eat last night is so freeing.
This binging didn't happen every night and there were lots of mornings that I woke up and I had a few precious seconds of nothingness before the first thought entered into consciousness. I try to build on these moments because it is when the consciousness is in a state of nothingness that powerful opportunities can be created. It is so difficult to put words on this state. It is only something that can be experienced. I find that in my meditations I can achieve a similar state which is another breakthrough for me compared to how fraught and difficult my meditation was in the past. From all of these shifts I am convinced that the path of transformation is the journey that the human consciousness is destined to follow. The key to all of it is to be OK with uncertainty and this is the greatest challenge. The mind does not like uncertainty but transformation is only possible in the space of uncertainty. The uncertainty that is around in the world at the moment is putting the world in the space necessary for transformation to the next level of human evolution or what I have asserted is the shift from the human to the spiritual. The way to survive and prosper is to embrace this uncertainty and look for opportunities inside of it to be creative and not competitive and not to resist it in any way. The more we resist uncertainty the stronger it gets. It is the same as when we resist anything. Resisting uses up energy which is not then available to create something new. No resistance equals free flowing energy.
I am so de-mob happy at work. I have loads to do to get ready handover notes for whoever is going to take over my portfolio but somehow I know that I will get them done. The people who I thought might be interested in renting out my flat are not so that it is a slight worry but tomorrow I will contact another estate agent and put it with them. I know that if I always keep the end goal in mind and then take little regular steps towards that goal that everything will work out. It is when we have a goal in one area of life but are working in another that great things cannot be achieved because the lack of integrity confuses the universe and so nothing magical or amazing can be created. To live a life that works there has to be integrity. I wonder if it is because I have finally accepted that I have no integrity working where I am given who and what I say I am and am doing something about it that I feel so happy and so self-expressed and without any self-consciousness.
One amazing thing also is that for as long as I can remember I have had an eating disorder, not anorexia or bulimia but a destructive pattern of emotional binge-eating. For the first time since I was 12 I didn't binge at home this Christmas. In fact, I haven't binged at all since I gave in my notice at work. Before I would come home from work, sit on the couch lacking in energy and then eat whatever was here in the flat. Then the morning would come and my first thoughts would be ones of self-hatred and then I would drag myself to the gym to try to undo the effects of the night before. At one point I thought that this was a spiritual training for my ego, in case I was becoming too ego inflated with all of the spiritual insights I was having. I see now that it was just a simple case of me using food to block out uncomfortable emotions about what I should be doing with my life. I was trying to block out the inner urgings not to live a life that was about playing safe and small and because I didn't want to be with those emotions I put myself into a food trance. The sense of freedom now that I feel knowing that I can go to the gym solely for the enjoyment of exercise and not as some self-purgation is just enormous. To wake up in the morning and for the first thought not to be what did I eat last night is so freeing.
This binging didn't happen every night and there were lots of mornings that I woke up and I had a few precious seconds of nothingness before the first thought entered into consciousness. I try to build on these moments because it is when the consciousness is in a state of nothingness that powerful opportunities can be created. It is so difficult to put words on this state. It is only something that can be experienced. I find that in my meditations I can achieve a similar state which is another breakthrough for me compared to how fraught and difficult my meditation was in the past. From all of these shifts I am convinced that the path of transformation is the journey that the human consciousness is destined to follow. The key to all of it is to be OK with uncertainty and this is the greatest challenge. The mind does not like uncertainty but transformation is only possible in the space of uncertainty. The uncertainty that is around in the world at the moment is putting the world in the space necessary for transformation to the next level of human evolution or what I have asserted is the shift from the human to the spiritual. The way to survive and prosper is to embrace this uncertainty and look for opportunities inside of it to be creative and not competitive and not to resist it in any way. The more we resist uncertainty the stronger it gets. It is the same as when we resist anything. Resisting uses up energy which is not then available to create something new. No resistance equals free flowing energy.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
The first few days of 2009........
On New Years Day I had a major breakdown. I got up early to develop a spreadsheet so that I could manage my responsibility for love and acknowledgement among team members. I took on the responsibility for this function at the beginning of this quarter of my year long team management and leadership course but I didn't have a structure and everything broke down. Acknowledgement is one of the distinctions from the new model of communication that I am being trained to be a master in this year. Acknowledgement creates the space for love and acceptance. Acknowledgement for acknowledgements sake not for any in order to or to achieve some desired result is hugely powerful. At Christmas I acknowledged my mum for who she is for my dad and it created a wonderful space. When I was leaving to return to London she said to me that it had been the best Christmas ever for her. I am convinced that mastering these distinctions is the access for me to have love and affinity in all of my relationships. Everything can be solved in communication.
As acknowledgement responsible I was not ensuring that the members of team are being acknowledged by those who volunteered to do this acknowledging each week. The impact is that a powerful distinction in creating amazing communication is not alive and team members are not feeling related to each other. The impact on me is that I'm left feeling powerless and bemoaning to myself for the umpteenth time that I am not a leader because I am unable to create the structures necessary for leadership. New Years Day, a new year and I woke up with a new resolve to move through my block with structures. I took out an old structure that the person last quarter had used and started messing around with it trying to match the team members with those team members that said they would like to do these acknowledgement calls. What a nightmare, no matter how much cutting and pasting I did I couldn't get it to work. Then I had a thought about everything I'm going to have to manage when I give up my flat here in London and take on a new way of living and being in Brighton and it all became too much and I dissolved in floods of tears over my laptop in my flat wailing into the silence 'I can't do structures'.
After a couple of minutes of Niagara Falls I composed myself and immediately thought of a woman on team who is a whiz with structures as she works in IT project management. I called and left a message and immediately felt better. About 5 mins later she called and said that she woke up feeling really low and went and had a shower and thought about how she would like to call me for a chat. Then she saw she had a message and it was from me and she was so delighted. She spent some minutes crying about her romantic breakdown over the Christmas period and I spent minutes crying about my inability to put together a simple bloody spreadsheet and then we both ended up laughing. She talked me through how to put together the structure for each week. I was slow putting it together until I had finished week 3 and then 'Eureka' it suddenly clicked what she was doing and I flew then putting together the remaining weeks for acknowledgement for the team. This was the same as everything else, a real block until I get it and then I fly. I'm not saying now that I have disappeared my abject fear and hatred of spreadsheets but I won't fly into as much a panic as I have done in the past.
Yesterday I did a special communication agreement. This involves calling graduates and speaking to them about how the distinctions of the communication curriculum can assist them in getting what it is they want to have in their lives. 2 more of the distinctions of the new model are being of service and being of contribution so throughout all of the calls I made and conversations I had I was always thinking how can I be of service for what this person wants to have in their lives. I had 2 exciting and fulfilling conversations and I really saw the power of coming from nothing, getting powerfully into another persons world and the only intention in the call being how to be of service and contribution was just so powerful. Afterwards I went for a cup of coffee with the woman who helped me to do the spreadsheet for love and acknowledgement and I was aware at just how relaxed and easy I was. I was able to be with silences in the conversation, to make light of things and just be present. This is so different to how it was last quarter.
I meditate now seriously each morning and evening and I find especially when I do the out of body consciousness meditation that Manuel Schoch showed me how to do that my body feels really heavy on the stool. For me it appears to be my consciousness that gives the lightness and ease to my body. When I visualise another image of me outside of my body and breathe into that my physical body gets very heavy and a current energy seems to run through my hands and around my body. I emerge from meditation these days very relaxed and with an enthusiasm and excitement for life and for what the next few months are going to bring.
For the first time I have written down my goal for this year which is to have my own spiritual magazine based on my book and to have a breakthrough with the guy from the gym. I have moved through so many different spaces with him and slowly I am becoming more emotional. I have written in this blog that my focus on the spiritual for so many years which involved developing a strong degree of emotional control has left me with not a lot of emotional intelligence. I am slowly building up the trust to let that go. It will be a test for both of us when I leave London to live in Brighton. I am still waiting for a similar breakthrough into what the fact is that made me put into place the need to have emotional control. I got why I needed to control my environment and everything I did but the reason for the emotional control is still proving frustratingly elusive.
In general though I am feeling positive, alive and free. I still don't like to write when I'm feeling down and overwhelmed with everything because I want to look good to readers of this blog. I understand that this is not authentic but it still feels nicer to write when I'm feeeling happy and positive about everything......
As acknowledgement responsible I was not ensuring that the members of team are being acknowledged by those who volunteered to do this acknowledging each week. The impact is that a powerful distinction in creating amazing communication is not alive and team members are not feeling related to each other. The impact on me is that I'm left feeling powerless and bemoaning to myself for the umpteenth time that I am not a leader because I am unable to create the structures necessary for leadership. New Years Day, a new year and I woke up with a new resolve to move through my block with structures. I took out an old structure that the person last quarter had used and started messing around with it trying to match the team members with those team members that said they would like to do these acknowledgement calls. What a nightmare, no matter how much cutting and pasting I did I couldn't get it to work. Then I had a thought about everything I'm going to have to manage when I give up my flat here in London and take on a new way of living and being in Brighton and it all became too much and I dissolved in floods of tears over my laptop in my flat wailing into the silence 'I can't do structures'.
After a couple of minutes of Niagara Falls I composed myself and immediately thought of a woman on team who is a whiz with structures as she works in IT project management. I called and left a message and immediately felt better. About 5 mins later she called and said that she woke up feeling really low and went and had a shower and thought about how she would like to call me for a chat. Then she saw she had a message and it was from me and she was so delighted. She spent some minutes crying about her romantic breakdown over the Christmas period and I spent minutes crying about my inability to put together a simple bloody spreadsheet and then we both ended up laughing. She talked me through how to put together the structure for each week. I was slow putting it together until I had finished week 3 and then 'Eureka' it suddenly clicked what she was doing and I flew then putting together the remaining weeks for acknowledgement for the team. This was the same as everything else, a real block until I get it and then I fly. I'm not saying now that I have disappeared my abject fear and hatred of spreadsheets but I won't fly into as much a panic as I have done in the past.
Yesterday I did a special communication agreement. This involves calling graduates and speaking to them about how the distinctions of the communication curriculum can assist them in getting what it is they want to have in their lives. 2 more of the distinctions of the new model are being of service and being of contribution so throughout all of the calls I made and conversations I had I was always thinking how can I be of service for what this person wants to have in their lives. I had 2 exciting and fulfilling conversations and I really saw the power of coming from nothing, getting powerfully into another persons world and the only intention in the call being how to be of service and contribution was just so powerful. Afterwards I went for a cup of coffee with the woman who helped me to do the spreadsheet for love and acknowledgement and I was aware at just how relaxed and easy I was. I was able to be with silences in the conversation, to make light of things and just be present. This is so different to how it was last quarter.
I meditate now seriously each morning and evening and I find especially when I do the out of body consciousness meditation that Manuel Schoch showed me how to do that my body feels really heavy on the stool. For me it appears to be my consciousness that gives the lightness and ease to my body. When I visualise another image of me outside of my body and breathe into that my physical body gets very heavy and a current energy seems to run through my hands and around my body. I emerge from meditation these days very relaxed and with an enthusiasm and excitement for life and for what the next few months are going to bring.
For the first time I have written down my goal for this year which is to have my own spiritual magazine based on my book and to have a breakthrough with the guy from the gym. I have moved through so many different spaces with him and slowly I am becoming more emotional. I have written in this blog that my focus on the spiritual for so many years which involved developing a strong degree of emotional control has left me with not a lot of emotional intelligence. I am slowly building up the trust to let that go. It will be a test for both of us when I leave London to live in Brighton. I am still waiting for a similar breakthrough into what the fact is that made me put into place the need to have emotional control. I got why I needed to control my environment and everything I did but the reason for the emotional control is still proving frustratingly elusive.
In general though I am feeling positive, alive and free. I still don't like to write when I'm feeling down and overwhelmed with everything because I want to look good to readers of this blog. I understand that this is not authentic but it still feels nicer to write when I'm feeeling happy and positive about everything......
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