Saturday, 10 January 2009

Yesterday I went to Brighton to look for somewhere to live. I have been amazed at just how calm I have been since my wobble on New Years Day. I arrived in Brighton and it was a beautiful sunny day. I had 3 places to look at and I felt positive. The first place I looked at was in the centre of Brighton and it was just awful. There was rotting floorboards and paint peeling off the walls and ceiling. I know that it is because it is in the centre of Brighton that it is in such bad condition because it will let very easily to a young student. I am not young and so I am not going to subject myself to those conditions.

I then looked for a bus to take me to the other location which was out of Brighton about 5 miles. I got on the bus and asked the driver whether he knew of the place where I needed to go. His attitude and manner was rude and abrupt. I tried again by asking him if he knew where a specific church was that was near to where I needed to get to. Again, he was rude and without even looking to see what I was pointing to said 'look, I don't know where you want to go and I can't help you'. Before I did the communication curriculum and learned the distinctions from the new model of communication I would have gone right into the old model of making him wrong and being really upset and lose all of my power in the situation. Instead I remembered a distinction called 'giving something up'. I gave up that there was anything wrong in the way he was treating me. Me giving this up created the space for me not to be upset. I then smiled and said 'well it looks like that I'm not riding on your bus today' and jumped off.

The bus pulled off and I sat on the bench at the bus stop amazed at how powerfully I had handled that without feeling any stress or upset. This is the power of the distinctions of the communication curriculum that I am being trained in using for 1 year. I was so calm and able to be with everything. What I also saw was in the space of no upset or making him wrong I had a clarity and could think about other options. I know what would have happened before I would have gone into a blind panic and when there is panic there is no clarity. The sun was beaming down on me and I just sat there enjoying the connection and the warmth and I extended huge acknowledgement and gratitude to what....I honestly don't know.

While I was sitting there I received a call from a friend. I told him that the room I had looked at was terrible and he turned out to know someone who is a landlord in Brighton. He wrote down the kind of accommodation I am looking for and said he would 'see what he could do'. I was so amazed at this turn of events. I hadn't heard from him since before Christmas and then when I was feeling lost but not having the physical signs of being lost in terms of being pannicked and upset....there he was.

Another bus came along and this time the driver couldn't have been more friendly and helpful. He knew exactly where I wanted to go. I found the house and spoke to the lady who is renting the room. It was nicer than the first one because of being that further out fro m Brighton. I got a nice feel to the house and am now thinking about whether or not to call her to confirm that I will take this room. Something is telling me to hold off for now. What I have found amazing is that since I have given up being in control, I now seem to have control but it is with a freedom and ease that was missing before. My lack of upset when I couldn't get to where I wanted to go the first time is a sign of being OK about not being in total control of the situation right then. I also noticed that in the past when something like this would happen that I would go and buy some chocolate or something sweet. It was my way of dealing with stress. I knew it was stress hunger because it came on the minute something didn't go my way or I couldn't control it and could only be satisfied by something sweet. An apple would never have done it. This time when I couldn't get on the bus which would normally have been a trigger for me, there was no trigger. This is so much a victory over the past and I savour and am so grateful for each time I can see how my way of being is a victory over the past.

I had to return to London because we had a classroom that evening. I arranged to meet up with a woman on Team who lives and works in Brighton. Even though the day hadn't been that productive and I was freezing because of all the walking I had done to enroll for my course with the college and go and view rooms I was also incredibly relaxed and the journey was fun and enjoyable. The classroom began with a discussion on integrity and the impact when integrity is out. I was sitting there feeling smug and saying to myself 'my integrity is never out because I am always here on time and never have to restore my integrity'. Then what I realized which really shocked me is that I only have integrity because I want to look good, I want to be a good girl so that I don't get singled out. I also use integrity as a kind of bargaining tool. A kind of 'I will keep my word and then life will work out for me'. This has no power and is inauthentic in that it is 'in order to'. Anything that is an 'in order to ' lacks integrity and is not authentic. I got the impact of only having integrity to look good or as an insurance policy and I felt myself go hot and cold in the seat. The power of transformation comes in the impact. The impact is felt and then transformation happens. Transformation is the shifting of a context. So in that moment integrity shifted for me from being about looking good to others and myself to being authentically about it being a foundation for power without any 'in order to'.

This is the power that comes when we really 'get' something. To get something is for it to penetrate deep to the cellls of the body. Now that I have seen and got that, I can never go back to using integrity as an 'in order to'. I can, but now it will be a choice if and when I do. Before last night how I was using it was hidden from my view. It was an inauthentic way of being that I had around integrity, it wasn't wrong but it had no power. What I saw also is that this inauthentic way of being had nothing to do with me consciously creating it that way. It is what the personality with the identity did in order to survive which is what its concerned with. Its not concerned about transformation or being powerful. In fact it is the opposite, it views transformation as a threat to its existence which is why it is so covert in how it drives our behaviour. All of these insights and understandings made last night a powerful classroom for me.

Today I went on a training session which was to do with listening. Listening is the first of 2 abilities that comprise communication, the first being speaking. I learned how it is the listening that I have for another that gives the context for what it is I say to the person I am speaking with. If my listening for another is that they are not great then the content of what I say will reflect the context of this listening. I found this also very powerful. The training I am doing in becoming a master in the new model of communication involves a lot of self-expression and saying what's there. What I hadn't really taken on before today was the power that listening has in creating effective communication. I really understand that now and I am committed to trying out some of what I learned today.

I don't have long more to go for work. At work I cannot believe how everything is flowing and I am managing to get all of my handover notes written. I seem to have a clarity about my job now that I am leaving that I never thought I had when I was doing it which seems a bit bizarre but that is how it feels.

I'm going to do some meditation now. That is another area that has totally turned around. I look forward now to sitting for up to an hour. I have started doing visualisations using the 7 chakras of the body. This is strange because in the past I have always thought 'the existence of chakras hasn't been proven therefore I'm not going to work with them'. Coming across the book on Ascension and Transformation has shifted all that. Now when I meditate and visualise the chakras and their colours they feel very real to me. I imagine the crown chakra opening and it feels like it does, then the 3rd eye and so on down to the base chakra which houses the powerful transformative kundalini energy. I still have tremendous awe and respect for this energy at the base of the spine and am careful not to force my meditation at certain chakras. If it is to rise again it will do so in its own time and without being forced will be natural and safe.

After I do my meditation I am then going to tackle more shelves and wardrobes here and get more stuff into boxes for the charity shop. I can't explain it but I really feel that there's a clean out in every area of my life at the moment. Could it be that all of the time I have spent playing safe and small was preparation for what this year is going to bring. I would like to end by sharing a sentence that ended my traininig today; it was 'It's 2009 - the year to shine........the only way to shine is to be true to oneself and others and to also be willing to consider that there is lots of things hidden from our view and have the willingness to go into an enquiry. As Plato said 'the unexamined life is not worth living'.....