Sunday, 4 January 2009

The first few days of 2009........

On New Years Day I had a major breakdown. I got up early to develop a spreadsheet so that I could manage my responsibility for love and acknowledgement among team members. I took on the responsibility for this function at the beginning of this quarter of my year long team management and leadership course but I didn't have a structure and everything broke down. Acknowledgement is one of the distinctions from the new model of communication that I am being trained to be a master in this year. Acknowledgement creates the space for love and acceptance. Acknowledgement for acknowledgements sake not for any in order to or to achieve some desired result is hugely powerful. At Christmas I acknowledged my mum for who she is for my dad and it created a wonderful space. When I was leaving to return to London she said to me that it had been the best Christmas ever for her. I am convinced that mastering these distinctions is the access for me to have love and affinity in all of my relationships. Everything can be solved in communication.

As acknowledgement responsible I was not ensuring that the members of team are being acknowledged by those who volunteered to do this acknowledging each week. The impact is that a powerful distinction in creating amazing communication is not alive and team members are not feeling related to each other. The impact on me is that I'm left feeling powerless and bemoaning to myself for the umpteenth time that I am not a leader because I am unable to create the structures necessary for leadership. New Years Day, a new year and I woke up with a new resolve to move through my block with structures. I took out an old structure that the person last quarter had used and started messing around with it trying to match the team members with those team members that said they would like to do these acknowledgement calls. What a nightmare, no matter how much cutting and pasting I did I couldn't get it to work. Then I had a thought about everything I'm going to have to manage when I give up my flat here in London and take on a new way of living and being in Brighton and it all became too much and I dissolved in floods of tears over my laptop in my flat wailing into the silence 'I can't do structures'.

After a couple of minutes of Niagara Falls I composed myself and immediately thought of a woman on team who is a whiz with structures as she works in IT project management. I called and left a message and immediately felt better. About 5 mins later she called and said that she woke up feeling really low and went and had a shower and thought about how she would like to call me for a chat. Then she saw she had a message and it was from me and she was so delighted. She spent some minutes crying about her romantic breakdown over the Christmas period and I spent minutes crying about my inability to put together a simple bloody spreadsheet and then we both ended up laughing. She talked me through how to put together the structure for each week. I was slow putting it together until I had finished week 3 and then 'Eureka' it suddenly clicked what she was doing and I flew then putting together the remaining weeks for acknowledgement for the team. This was the same as everything else, a real block until I get it and then I fly. I'm not saying now that I have disappeared my abject fear and hatred of spreadsheets but I won't fly into as much a panic as I have done in the past.

Yesterday I did a special communication agreement. This involves calling graduates and speaking to them about how the distinctions of the communication curriculum can assist them in getting what it is they want to have in their lives. 2 more of the distinctions of the new model are being of service and being of contribution so throughout all of the calls I made and conversations I had I was always thinking how can I be of service for what this person wants to have in their lives. I had 2 exciting and fulfilling conversations and I really saw the power of coming from nothing, getting powerfully into another persons world and the only intention in the call being how to be of service and contribution was just so powerful. Afterwards I went for a cup of coffee with the woman who helped me to do the spreadsheet for love and acknowledgement and I was aware at just how relaxed and easy I was. I was able to be with silences in the conversation, to make light of things and just be present. This is so different to how it was last quarter.

I meditate now seriously each morning and evening and I find especially when I do the out of body consciousness meditation that Manuel Schoch showed me how to do that my body feels really heavy on the stool. For me it appears to be my consciousness that gives the lightness and ease to my body. When I visualise another image of me outside of my body and breathe into that my physical body gets very heavy and a current energy seems to run through my hands and around my body. I emerge from meditation these days very relaxed and with an enthusiasm and excitement for life and for what the next few months are going to bring.

For the first time I have written down my goal for this year which is to have my own spiritual magazine based on my book and to have a breakthrough with the guy from the gym. I have moved through so many different spaces with him and slowly I am becoming more emotional. I have written in this blog that my focus on the spiritual for so many years which involved developing a strong degree of emotional control has left me with not a lot of emotional intelligence. I am slowly building up the trust to let that go. It will be a test for both of us when I leave London to live in Brighton. I am still waiting for a similar breakthrough into what the fact is that made me put into place the need to have emotional control. I got why I needed to control my environment and everything I did but the reason for the emotional control is still proving frustratingly elusive.

In general though I am feeling positive, alive and free. I still don't like to write when I'm feeling down and overwhelmed with everything because I want to look good to readers of this blog. I understand that this is not authentic but it still feels nicer to write when I'm feeeling happy and positive about everything......