I've just returned from my agreement in London and while I am waiting on the bus to take me home I've come into an internet cafe to write this blog. I won't get very far before I am kicked out but I will make a start. I travelled to London for my agreement and after it I went up to the 1st day of the 1st of the communication courses that I speak so highly about. This is the course where participants get to experience the impact of the model of communication that we are all born into it, a model that is based on fixing and surviving our communication with others and ourselves. Central to this way of communicating is what is called a point of view. This is something we decided about ourselves when we were very young and it then gives us our identity and from there our lives. I thought that mine was 'I'm not loved, I'm alone' but I couldn't understand how it operated in my life. As a result my coach on the team programme I am on was frustrated that I operated on my own all the time and couldn't see why.
I walked into the course at the exact point where the course leader was speaking about the point of view and how it gets formed. I listened intently because I wanted so much to have a breakthrough around this. The course leader spoke about how it is formed by the words we say when we decide who we are and asked participants what they saw in what he was saying. One lady shared something and what she said hit me like a hammer blow and I thought that's it that's my point of view. It's not 'I'm not loved, I'm alone, it's I'm not included, I'm alone'. As this hit me I had a picture of when I was very young and I saw how close my brothers were and I said 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and this has been my experience in every area of my life. Not feeling included. Although at 4 years of age I probably wouldn't have said 'I'm not included'. What I more than likely said to myself was 'I'm not a part, I'm alone'. The power of that decision gave me a life where no matter what I tried to do I always felt that I wasn't a part. Some of that had been coming through this blog. All I have ever wanted to do is to belong and all I ever seem to do is to stand out.
What I see now with perfect clarity is that my point of view has created it to be like that. I'm living with a family and I had it that I'm not included, even though they have made so many efforts to include me. I have it at college that I am not included, but this is the experience my point of view is giving to me. It has to in order to survive, it is not the way it really is. This is just such a huge insight for me and will transform the entire way I am with people and in groups. When this ran me even though I would try to include myself what was running in the background and will always run until it is distinguished is that I was trying to include myself inside a context of 'I'm not included, I'm alone' no wonder all of my efforts were doomed to failure and never brought the result I hoped for, leaving me feeing small separate and alone when surrounded by people.
When I think of the guy from the gym and how my way of being with him is that I'm excluded from his life even though the constant text messages and calls gave me all the evidence that it wasn't this way...I just couldn't see it until today. I've treated everyone and everything like I'm being excluded and it's been horrible for them and for me. Viewing everything that happens through the filter of being excluded and alone has made for a lonely life. But I am so grateful that I have seen it now. I am so lucky in being given the opportunity to give it up and create something new and wonderful., a possibility for me of being connected and included. That point of view is always going to be there, it is like a trap that we create when we are young that becomes who we think we are and it acts like a trap in that we are caught within it and even when it is identified it doesn't go away, the difference is that once it is identified it loses some of its power.
I assert that whatever self- development programme one does, whether it is with Landmark Education or whoever that this is the ultimate aim. Uncovering the game between the non-self and the self, or between identity and possibility. I also believe this to be the aim of all spiritual development.
I came into the house and shared this with the lady here and she gave me a huge hug and said how much they wanted to include me and for the first time I really heard it and knew that it was genuine and now I am upstairs writing this blog. Transformation or seeing the familiar in a new light never changes. I'm not going to say that just because I saw this today that I now have power over this point of view and that it won't operate anymore. It will, because it was put in place for survival and it will morph again into something more subtle that once again will be hidden from my view. I feel so grateful that I was aware of feeling alone and separate from people to an abnormal degree. That it was so acute that I noticed it and this awareness together with my commitment to be willing to look and see no matter what the cost, is what produced the breakthrough. But it takes this. To want to break free and transform the identity just as badly as a drowning man wants air - it demands and takes nothing less than this......
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Friday, 20 March 2009
No....it's not possible...
On Thursday evening I had my 2nd Vortex healing group. I arrived early and was sitting reading a book when the person who is taking the group walked in. She gave me a beaming smile and sat down and earnestly asked me how I was. I explained that I had been incredibly tired and was apprehensive about coming again. She then said that she had been worried about me that I hadn't been grounded and that she was going to make sure that I was more grounded this week. I looked at her with huge gratitude that she should care so much when it's only a 4 week course. She then explained how in the west we spend most of our time in our head and don't connect with the body. This made sense to me but I wanted to be sure so I said to her 'so if I put my focus on my body I won't be as spaced out and tired as I was last week and my body won't do the violent convulsing that it did. She confirmed that this was so and I knew what I had to do. It was in line with the promise I made to myself to absorb myself in the experience and not stand apart from it.
The lady went to get the room ready and after a while I went up. The others arrived and we all lay down. I immediately put all of my intention on my body and I immediately felt a tingling sensation in my arms and legs. I sensed the woman behind me and then felt gentle hands on my head. After a few minutes she left to go to someone else. Then the current of energy started but I kept my consciousness focussed firmly on the body and was able to control it and finally stop it altogether and relax into the experience. I felt a huge difference by keeping my attention on my body. I realized just how little I feel my body and how I have been so much in my head. The next thing I knew my name was being called. I know that I hadn't been sleeping because I was wide awake when she called....so where did I go......
Everyone in the room sat up and we started to talk. One of the guys asked who the photo was that was on the mantelpiece. I had walked in and never seen the photo. I went rigid with shock when she said that the photos were of Mother Meera. This was amazing because some time ago I wrote a blog entry about my visit to Mother Meera and how I couldn't fathom why she had so many devotees when she never gives any teaching, just silent Darshan. I couldn't understand what people got from her. So for me now to be sitting in a room having a done a healing that was overlooked by the picture of Mother Meera was just a bit too much. I could feel the hairs rising on the back of my neck. But I know that it is because I am on this self-declared path that I see these co-incidences or synchronicities. Someone who is not on this path and not looking for signs for next steps wouldn't see anything strange in this. I didn't know this lady was a devotee of Mother Meera before I came. I didn't think Vortex healing had anything to do with Mother Meera. Has Mother Meera got a power that I have underestimated and when I knelt down at her feet to receive Darshan did she see a pair of sceptical eyes looking at her and want to prove something to me.
It reminds me of the story of Ram Dass who when brought to India to meet the Guru of a friend of his refused to bend down and kiss the feet of the Guru. Later that night the Guru spoke to Ram Dass and told him the night before he had come to the Ashram he had been outside looking at the stars and thinking about this mother. Ram Dass joined the Ashram after this, all of his doubts gone by the power of the Guru. This will be my third encounter with Mother Meera. The first time was when I took in a guy who was doing the same course as me and had nowhere to live. On Morning I got up and in one of my dessert bowls were some dried flowers. He declared himself a yogi and spent the entire time he stayed with me without working. I was annoyed to see one of my dessert bowls with these flowers. When I saw him I asked him what it was. He replied 'they are flowers from Mother Meera'. I exploded, Mother Meera, what about getting a job. That's how much I knew or cared about Mother Meera. I can't remember what happened to the dried petals. When the course was over he returned back to his country and I promptly forgot all about him and Mother Meera. I don't know how it happened but I came across a visit the Mother was making to London. I've written all about the lead up to this visit and my feelings, before, during and afterwards. Given all that I wrote there it is most strange that once again I found myself in her presence.
Feeling slightly unnerved and not knowing why I woke up this morning and had the strongest urge to go out for a run under the cliffs and let the sea calm my turbulent mind. After the healing I felt great, not at all tired which I was really grateful for. I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same. I got up quickly put on a tracksuit and began running. I immediately felt much calmer. I reached the sea and I felt the most incrediblel peace and bliss. While I was running I wondered about everything that is happening, or I am creating in my life at present and where it's all going to lead. I returned back to the house because I had no lectures and started to do some shorthand. But I was restless. I remembered what the lady had said about how we might feel after the evening as things were brought to the surface when space becomes available. She said to watch everything without entering into it and that is what I did for most of the day, just watched the turmoil in my mind without engaging with it.
This evening again I had a strong urge to go out to the sea. When I reached the sea the most amazing sunset was just beginning. I have seen some fabulous sunsets when I was in Varanasi, India but the one tonight was just incredible. I stayed for such a long time being still, silent and transfixed. There was nothing else but me and that sunset, nothing else mattered. The power of the connection I had is something that will stay with me for such a long time. I watched it with a heart filled with love and gratitude.....not knowing what is next but completely surrendered to the process...
The lady went to get the room ready and after a while I went up. The others arrived and we all lay down. I immediately put all of my intention on my body and I immediately felt a tingling sensation in my arms and legs. I sensed the woman behind me and then felt gentle hands on my head. After a few minutes she left to go to someone else. Then the current of energy started but I kept my consciousness focussed firmly on the body and was able to control it and finally stop it altogether and relax into the experience. I felt a huge difference by keeping my attention on my body. I realized just how little I feel my body and how I have been so much in my head. The next thing I knew my name was being called. I know that I hadn't been sleeping because I was wide awake when she called....so where did I go......
Everyone in the room sat up and we started to talk. One of the guys asked who the photo was that was on the mantelpiece. I had walked in and never seen the photo. I went rigid with shock when she said that the photos were of Mother Meera. This was amazing because some time ago I wrote a blog entry about my visit to Mother Meera and how I couldn't fathom why she had so many devotees when she never gives any teaching, just silent Darshan. I couldn't understand what people got from her. So for me now to be sitting in a room having a done a healing that was overlooked by the picture of Mother Meera was just a bit too much. I could feel the hairs rising on the back of my neck. But I know that it is because I am on this self-declared path that I see these co-incidences or synchronicities. Someone who is not on this path and not looking for signs for next steps wouldn't see anything strange in this. I didn't know this lady was a devotee of Mother Meera before I came. I didn't think Vortex healing had anything to do with Mother Meera. Has Mother Meera got a power that I have underestimated and when I knelt down at her feet to receive Darshan did she see a pair of sceptical eyes looking at her and want to prove something to me.
It reminds me of the story of Ram Dass who when brought to India to meet the Guru of a friend of his refused to bend down and kiss the feet of the Guru. Later that night the Guru spoke to Ram Dass and told him the night before he had come to the Ashram he had been outside looking at the stars and thinking about this mother. Ram Dass joined the Ashram after this, all of his doubts gone by the power of the Guru. This will be my third encounter with Mother Meera. The first time was when I took in a guy who was doing the same course as me and had nowhere to live. On Morning I got up and in one of my dessert bowls were some dried flowers. He declared himself a yogi and spent the entire time he stayed with me without working. I was annoyed to see one of my dessert bowls with these flowers. When I saw him I asked him what it was. He replied 'they are flowers from Mother Meera'. I exploded, Mother Meera, what about getting a job. That's how much I knew or cared about Mother Meera. I can't remember what happened to the dried petals. When the course was over he returned back to his country and I promptly forgot all about him and Mother Meera. I don't know how it happened but I came across a visit the Mother was making to London. I've written all about the lead up to this visit and my feelings, before, during and afterwards. Given all that I wrote there it is most strange that once again I found myself in her presence.
Feeling slightly unnerved and not knowing why I woke up this morning and had the strongest urge to go out for a run under the cliffs and let the sea calm my turbulent mind. After the healing I felt great, not at all tired which I was really grateful for. I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same. I got up quickly put on a tracksuit and began running. I immediately felt much calmer. I reached the sea and I felt the most incrediblel peace and bliss. While I was running I wondered about everything that is happening, or I am creating in my life at present and where it's all going to lead. I returned back to the house because I had no lectures and started to do some shorthand. But I was restless. I remembered what the lady had said about how we might feel after the evening as things were brought to the surface when space becomes available. She said to watch everything without entering into it and that is what I did for most of the day, just watched the turmoil in my mind without engaging with it.
This evening again I had a strong urge to go out to the sea. When I reached the sea the most amazing sunset was just beginning. I have seen some fabulous sunsets when I was in Varanasi, India but the one tonight was just incredible. I stayed for such a long time being still, silent and transfixed. There was nothing else but me and that sunset, nothing else mattered. The power of the connection I had is something that will stay with me for such a long time. I watched it with a heart filled with love and gratitude.....not knowing what is next but completely surrendered to the process...
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
The spiritual path is a choice.....there is nothing chosen about it...
Today I interviewed a monk who followed the Kadampa Buddhist tradition. Kadampa was developed by Tibetan master called Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and introduced to the west in 1977 - since then he has gone on to establish over 1000 centres worldwide. I knew that I wouldn't get the Master himself for an interview but I thought I would get a senior monk. Instead what presented itself to me for interview was a rather portly unmistakeably English robed monk with the most beaming of smiles. Setting aside my first thought that a western monk can't possibly have eastern insights I started my interview by putting my dictaphone with the new tape and batteries confidently on the table.
As the interview progressed I was struck by just how human he is in terms of trying to cultivate what he calls a virtuous mind as the way to enlightenment. A mind full of love and compassion and when he says this he looks dreamily out of the window and I am present to just how much this inspires him. Then he talks about the all too human side and tells me that yesterday he got angry because he had been out and nobody had kept him any lunch. It's a simple example but it demonstrated to me so powerfully the continuous tension which drives human being. I was struck by the humour and humility of someone I had initially written off.
He spoke about how he became a monk and what struck me with this is that he had known for many years that he was being called but then asked for a sign. That sign came and he followed it. He had a choice and chose the life of a Buddhist monk. He is not long ordained and realises that he has a long way to go. His love for his teacher Kelsang Gyatso is evident as he speaks about the inspiration that he gets from him and how he feels when he is in his presence. From this I understand the power of complete surrender to a higher power. I have been so reluctant to surrender to a teacher in flesh and blood which is why my spiritual path has been lonelier. If I stopped resisting and gave myself up to life in a spiritual Ashram perhaps it wouldn't feel as tough but there is huge resistance on my part to do this.
I wound up the interview after an hour but there was no denying that the monk had moved me. Without any earth shattering energetic experiences he has embarked on this path with nothing more than faith and a burning desire to end the suffering for himself and others - to become enlightened in this lifetime. For this goal, he has given up everything.
I left the centre quite spaced out again. What is it about me in these environments that makes me so tired and kind of spaced out. I came home and my inner voice said 'go for a run' but my legs were sore from my run the day before so I didn't listen to it. Instead I had to take some money out from a cash point machine. Still thinking about the interview and the monk I put my card in the machine keyed in the amount, took my card and promptly walked off without taking the money. A couple of minutes inside the shop and I realised what I had done, I rushed out but of course the money wasn't sitting in the machine waiting for its rightful owner to come and claim it...some other person had conveniently taken it probably not believing their luck. Oh well, all I can hope is that whoever took it needed it more than me. I saw again that when I don't do what my inner voice is urging me to do there is an impact and a cost to me.
Earlier in the day I held my first Team game meeting to discuss an event to celebrate the end of the college course that will also double up as my team game in the world. It was nerve racking as getting a team together is something I have never done before. I was so grateful to everyone for showing up and we have decided on a lower key meal and drinks rather than a complicated difficult to organise gig. Before this meeting I had 2 hours of shorthand and I had the frustration of once again not being able to intuitively guess at outlines that I hadn't practiced before. It doesnt' bode well for the 2nd shorthand test tomorrow.
By the time I reached home after all of this I was so tired. I took out my shorthand book and notebook but suddenly got so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just going to finish this and go to bed. At this moment I couldn't give 2 damms about the shorthand or for that matter any other test tomorrow. Is this darkness completely the result of me not listening to my inner voice and going for a run or is there something else at play. I have the 2nd Vortex healing tomorrow night and to be honest I haven't felt myself since the last one. It's stirred me up physically and mentally. It is interesting that I have paid up for a 4 week course because I think, given the way I am feeling tonight that if it was a pay on the evening course I don't think I would go. I am feeling scared and confronted by something and I don't know what it is......
As the interview progressed I was struck by just how human he is in terms of trying to cultivate what he calls a virtuous mind as the way to enlightenment. A mind full of love and compassion and when he says this he looks dreamily out of the window and I am present to just how much this inspires him. Then he talks about the all too human side and tells me that yesterday he got angry because he had been out and nobody had kept him any lunch. It's a simple example but it demonstrated to me so powerfully the continuous tension which drives human being. I was struck by the humour and humility of someone I had initially written off.
He spoke about how he became a monk and what struck me with this is that he had known for many years that he was being called but then asked for a sign. That sign came and he followed it. He had a choice and chose the life of a Buddhist monk. He is not long ordained and realises that he has a long way to go. His love for his teacher Kelsang Gyatso is evident as he speaks about the inspiration that he gets from him and how he feels when he is in his presence. From this I understand the power of complete surrender to a higher power. I have been so reluctant to surrender to a teacher in flesh and blood which is why my spiritual path has been lonelier. If I stopped resisting and gave myself up to life in a spiritual Ashram perhaps it wouldn't feel as tough but there is huge resistance on my part to do this.
I wound up the interview after an hour but there was no denying that the monk had moved me. Without any earth shattering energetic experiences he has embarked on this path with nothing more than faith and a burning desire to end the suffering for himself and others - to become enlightened in this lifetime. For this goal, he has given up everything.
I left the centre quite spaced out again. What is it about me in these environments that makes me so tired and kind of spaced out. I came home and my inner voice said 'go for a run' but my legs were sore from my run the day before so I didn't listen to it. Instead I had to take some money out from a cash point machine. Still thinking about the interview and the monk I put my card in the machine keyed in the amount, took my card and promptly walked off without taking the money. A couple of minutes inside the shop and I realised what I had done, I rushed out but of course the money wasn't sitting in the machine waiting for its rightful owner to come and claim it...some other person had conveniently taken it probably not believing their luck. Oh well, all I can hope is that whoever took it needed it more than me. I saw again that when I don't do what my inner voice is urging me to do there is an impact and a cost to me.
Earlier in the day I held my first Team game meeting to discuss an event to celebrate the end of the college course that will also double up as my team game in the world. It was nerve racking as getting a team together is something I have never done before. I was so grateful to everyone for showing up and we have decided on a lower key meal and drinks rather than a complicated difficult to organise gig. Before this meeting I had 2 hours of shorthand and I had the frustration of once again not being able to intuitively guess at outlines that I hadn't practiced before. It doesnt' bode well for the 2nd shorthand test tomorrow.
By the time I reached home after all of this I was so tired. I took out my shorthand book and notebook but suddenly got so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just going to finish this and go to bed. At this moment I couldn't give 2 damms about the shorthand or for that matter any other test tomorrow. Is this darkness completely the result of me not listening to my inner voice and going for a run or is there something else at play. I have the 2nd Vortex healing tomorrow night and to be honest I haven't felt myself since the last one. It's stirred me up physically and mentally. It is interesting that I have paid up for a 4 week course because I think, given the way I am feeling tonight that if it was a pay on the evening course I don't think I would go. I am feeling scared and confronted by something and I don't know what it is......
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Today.....I experienced heaven on earth
This evening I did something that I have been promising myself to do since I moved down here and that is to go out for a run along the beach. There is definitely a reason for me being in this environment. The woman of the house who regularly runs by the beach has been speaking to me about it continuously so I haven't been able to forget. She also told me about organic Guarana she takes for increased endurance and stamina. I seem to be getting lots of messages about my spiritual path from this environment that I find myself in. College finished early and feeling the kind of restlessness that I am since doing the first evening of the Vortex healing I had such a strong desire to go for a run. It was a beautiful day here so I got home quickly changed and ran outside. The moment I saw the sea all the angst and turmoil that has been my constant companion for the last week disappeared and I knew the reason why I was now out running. Words or at least mine, don't do justice to the immense feeling of peace, calm and bliss I felt running beneath the protection of white cliffs with a vision of the sea as far as the eye could see.
The sea was twinkling and shimmering and the faster I ran the more mystical it felt. At one point there was total absorption to the point of nothing else. I experienced a one-pointedness of focus which was nothing short of bliss. I felt so close to something so much bigger than me yet also a part of me if that makes sense. I finished my run grateful that the pent up tension and restlessness was gone. I hadn't written about it but I had been feeling strange currents of energy that I didn't know what to do with, running calmed it all down and now intend to go for a run at least 3 times a week. I came back to where I am staying and had a shower.
Earlier in the day I had gone into Brighton to get some new tapes for my dictaphone. There is no way that I am even going to attempt shorthand. On Monday we did mock interviews with this actor who was playing the role of a drugged out rock musician. That morning I checked the tape for all of a minute...seemed fine. At the interview, I confidently put the tape down in front of him and started asking questions. It was nerve racking because the tutor was in the room watching and making notes to give us feedback as to what worked and what didn't with our interviewing techniques. I was nervous already so didn't attempt any notes putting full and unfailing confidence in my gadget. 5 minutes into the interview, glanced at my tape...aagh..not working, I looked again willing it just to be that I didn't see the little wheels going around..nothing. Major, blind panic set in....lurched across the table to where thankfully a pen was lying dormant and started to scribble furiously. After that I didn't hear much of what he said and I certainly wasn't focused to get all the information I needed. At the feedback the lecturer told me how important it was to make sure that all of the equipment was working. He then gave a dig about how shorthand would have saved that situation....nightmare
So now I've got new tapes, new batteries and I am ready to roll. The strange thing is that on Saturday I had a thought about getting new tapes but dismissed it by saying 'the old one's will be OK for this interview'. Lesson about intuition......ignore it at your peril. My intuitive voice was very strong to get new tapes and I ignored it and paid the price. In the beginning when one begins a spiritual journey this voice is very quiet because the identity and ego is stronger but if we persevere and have the commitment to act from intuition then gradually it will get stronger. I want to make a difference between lower and higher intuition. The intuition I am speaking about is higher in that it doesn't involve any feelings on my part. It comes through like a kind of instruction. Lower intuition always has a feeling component associated with it and once feelings get involved the pure intuitive urge is somewhat tainted. This is not to say that emotion and feelings don't come into intuition, they do but only at a later stage.
Many of the great breakthroughs have come through intuition and then action which comprises feelings and emotions come next. Today at this interview I will listen intently to what questions my intuition is guiding me to ask. The fact that I am getting what is a very rare interview given that I don't think anyone would interview without offering it to a magazine makes it more special. I want it to be the best feature in my examination portfolio as a kind of thank you for everything that Buddhism has given and continues to give even though the only practice I do any kind of regular basis is meditation......
While I was in Brighton I stopped off at a shop that sells organic Guarana. The lady I live with had shown me hers and had invited me to have some. These days without a teacher I am very much alert to messages that come to me via others from the universe. I bought a small jar of the powder and had a little in water when I came back from my run. When it gets to late at night I am usually tired but perhaps after the run and the Guarana I am full of beans and.....it is very late......
The sea was twinkling and shimmering and the faster I ran the more mystical it felt. At one point there was total absorption to the point of nothing else. I experienced a one-pointedness of focus which was nothing short of bliss. I felt so close to something so much bigger than me yet also a part of me if that makes sense. I finished my run grateful that the pent up tension and restlessness was gone. I hadn't written about it but I had been feeling strange currents of energy that I didn't know what to do with, running calmed it all down and now intend to go for a run at least 3 times a week. I came back to where I am staying and had a shower.
Earlier in the day I had gone into Brighton to get some new tapes for my dictaphone. There is no way that I am even going to attempt shorthand. On Monday we did mock interviews with this actor who was playing the role of a drugged out rock musician. That morning I checked the tape for all of a minute...seemed fine. At the interview, I confidently put the tape down in front of him and started asking questions. It was nerve racking because the tutor was in the room watching and making notes to give us feedback as to what worked and what didn't with our interviewing techniques. I was nervous already so didn't attempt any notes putting full and unfailing confidence in my gadget. 5 minutes into the interview, glanced at my tape...aagh..not working, I looked again willing it just to be that I didn't see the little wheels going around..nothing. Major, blind panic set in....lurched across the table to where thankfully a pen was lying dormant and started to scribble furiously. After that I didn't hear much of what he said and I certainly wasn't focused to get all the information I needed. At the feedback the lecturer told me how important it was to make sure that all of the equipment was working. He then gave a dig about how shorthand would have saved that situation....nightmare
So now I've got new tapes, new batteries and I am ready to roll. The strange thing is that on Saturday I had a thought about getting new tapes but dismissed it by saying 'the old one's will be OK for this interview'. Lesson about intuition......ignore it at your peril. My intuitive voice was very strong to get new tapes and I ignored it and paid the price. In the beginning when one begins a spiritual journey this voice is very quiet because the identity and ego is stronger but if we persevere and have the commitment to act from intuition then gradually it will get stronger. I want to make a difference between lower and higher intuition. The intuition I am speaking about is higher in that it doesn't involve any feelings on my part. It comes through like a kind of instruction. Lower intuition always has a feeling component associated with it and once feelings get involved the pure intuitive urge is somewhat tainted. This is not to say that emotion and feelings don't come into intuition, they do but only at a later stage.
Many of the great breakthroughs have come through intuition and then action which comprises feelings and emotions come next. Today at this interview I will listen intently to what questions my intuition is guiding me to ask. The fact that I am getting what is a very rare interview given that I don't think anyone would interview without offering it to a magazine makes it more special. I want it to be the best feature in my examination portfolio as a kind of thank you for everything that Buddhism has given and continues to give even though the only practice I do any kind of regular basis is meditation......
While I was in Brighton I stopped off at a shop that sells organic Guarana. The lady I live with had shown me hers and had invited me to have some. These days without a teacher I am very much alert to messages that come to me via others from the universe. I bought a small jar of the powder and had a little in water when I came back from my run. When it gets to late at night I am usually tired but perhaps after the run and the Guarana I am full of beans and.....it is very late......
Monday, 16 March 2009
I've been in such a strange space since the Vortex healing on Thursday evening. I awoke on Saturday feeling much better in as much as the awful tiredness had gone but in its place was a new awareness around everything. I went to do my three hour office agreement and for the first time since I started this education realised that I was coming to the end of what I can get from it. In a moment I saw that that when I finish this year that this is it for me. I thought that I would go on and become a Forum leader but I am clear now that I won't. This shift is unsWhWat ettling for me and has thrown me into major uncertainty. It is amazing that it is in my final quarter that I find myself doing something energetic that has nothing to do with trying to figure things out. It feels like I have got everything I can from this training and now it is time to start something different, to go along another path. What is important more so now than ever is to begin the journey - the journey to separating who we are from who we think we are. This is the most important thing and there are lots of ways of doing this. For me the training provided by Landmark has provided a rapid acceleration of this process but it is not the only thing available. To begin to look for training which resonates in beginning this journey consciously is more important than the actual vehicle chosen. I was in danger of mistaking collapsing the vehicle with the journey. They are separate. The journey can involve the use of different vehicles at the different stages of transformation. What determines whether or not the journey continues or gets stuck at a certain level is the courage to leave and start again when it feels right.
This is scary. It is far easier to stay in something that is familiar and comfortable. But when comfort starts, transformation stops and I realise how easy it would be for me to get comfortable with this training. I saw this so clearly on Saturday which is why I am choosing not to do anything else when I complete in May. Before the Vortex healing I wasn't able to see this and yet I have never really felt wholly comfortable and I haven't been able to put my finger on why. There is no doubting the commitment to transformation and the will of everyone involved in the training for everyone to have and live the life they love, that is not in doubt. For me, I don't have the feeling of having come home like I did the first evening I was introduced to Buddhism. When I was first introduced to the concepts and tenets of Buddhism I had such a strong feeling of having come home. This then begs the question that if I had felt so at home why did I leave. Is this leaving when something begins to get serious me just running away again. The truth is that I don't know. I don't think it is. Buddhism had got to the stage of also being comfortable which is why I left. I firmly believe that comfort and transformation cannot live in the same space, you either have one or the other. One essential requirement for walking a spiritual path is to have enough self-awareness and integrity not to stay in something when it becomes comfortable. To recognise that a method or teaching has run its course and to move on for what more is possible to make a difference in the world. It is like anything, if we go to the gym and do the same exercises every day, day in and day out, the body gets used to it and stops working, vary the routine and everything starts up again. It is exactly the same with the spiritual path. To stay in something once it has become comfortable and familiar is to delay the process of raising consciousness to bring about spiritual awakening.
What I also find interesting is that on Wednesday I am going out to interview the head monk of a Buddhist centre. I know that since the Vortex healing I am much more relaxed and chilled. I have felt a strong need to meditate each morning and evening since Thursday which I hadn't felt in a while and my meditation is deeper. I have committed not to be on the side-lines anymore watching the experiences but to enter fully into them and write from my memory after the events. It is resulting in a new and different absorption.....
This is scary. It is far easier to stay in something that is familiar and comfortable. But when comfort starts, transformation stops and I realise how easy it would be for me to get comfortable with this training. I saw this so clearly on Saturday which is why I am choosing not to do anything else when I complete in May. Before the Vortex healing I wasn't able to see this and yet I have never really felt wholly comfortable and I haven't been able to put my finger on why. There is no doubting the commitment to transformation and the will of everyone involved in the training for everyone to have and live the life they love, that is not in doubt. For me, I don't have the feeling of having come home like I did the first evening I was introduced to Buddhism. When I was first introduced to the concepts and tenets of Buddhism I had such a strong feeling of having come home. This then begs the question that if I had felt so at home why did I leave. Is this leaving when something begins to get serious me just running away again. The truth is that I don't know. I don't think it is. Buddhism had got to the stage of also being comfortable which is why I left. I firmly believe that comfort and transformation cannot live in the same space, you either have one or the other. One essential requirement for walking a spiritual path is to have enough self-awareness and integrity not to stay in something when it becomes comfortable. To recognise that a method or teaching has run its course and to move on for what more is possible to make a difference in the world. It is like anything, if we go to the gym and do the same exercises every day, day in and day out, the body gets used to it and stops working, vary the routine and everything starts up again. It is exactly the same with the spiritual path. To stay in something once it has become comfortable and familiar is to delay the process of raising consciousness to bring about spiritual awakening.
What I also find interesting is that on Wednesday I am going out to interview the head monk of a Buddhist centre. I know that since the Vortex healing I am much more relaxed and chilled. I have felt a strong need to meditate each morning and evening since Thursday which I hadn't felt in a while and my meditation is deeper. I have committed not to be on the side-lines anymore watching the experiences but to enter fully into them and write from my memory after the events. It is resulting in a new and different absorption.....
Friday, 13 March 2009
Too tired to write....well almost..
My alarm clock went off at 5am and if I was given a million pounds to get up I couldn't. My body felt so heavy. I reached out to turn it off and promptly fell back to sleep. I woke naturally at 6am and just lay feeling like such a dead weight. My first thought was 'how am I going to get to college today'. I had a tiredness that was different to anything else and I had it that I don't do tired. I dragged my bones out of bed and into the shower and afterwards I felt a little bit more enthusiastic about facing the world. There was nothing I would have liked better than to turf myself back into bed for the rest of the day. I went downstairs to have some breakfast and the lady of the house made herself a cup of tea and joined me. She knew that I was going to be doing the Vortex healing and was very interested. Before I came down I had a conversation with a friend in London and I told him what I had been doing. I was amazed at how I could barely put the words together, everything was so slow, my speech, my thoughts, everything. I was explaining to him how tired I was and because he is a fitness instructor he was able to tell me that all of the physical jerking I had done last night was the equivalent of a work out which was why I was so tired.
This made perfect sense to me. I went onto say that I watched myself having this experience because I want to be able to write about it accurately and I can only do this if I am a witness and do not enter into it. He was able to see something that I wasn't which was that it is the effort of keeping myself separate instead of engaging fully with is why I am so tired. The tiredness is the result of the huge resistance I put up last night against engaging fully with the process, staying conscious so that I could write. But this doesn't work. It's not authentic in the fact that I'm not giving myself the opportunity to engage fully and then write afterwards when it's all finished. I can liken it to someone who goes deep sea diving who doesn't want to breathe because they want to be able to report accurately what it is like, it's ridiculous and if the deep sea diver did that he/she would die. Not to sound too dramatic but I nearly died last night with the effort I put into resist what was going on. I left it all to my body and used my mind to be a distance observer and that clearly doesn't work. Yes, it is possible that if I completely lose myself that what I end up writing up about the experience will bear little resemblance to the actual event but that is a chance I have to take to be authentic. The deep sea diver waits until he surfaces to speak about the experiences, I am going to do the same thing.
Downstairs speaking with the woman of the house I saw that the tiredness that I felt was a deep feeling of being chilled and with a flash of insight I saw the mood that cannabis induces and this is how I am feeling as I write this. I am so chilled, but also slow. I am going to London this evening for a classroom and am staying over to do my three hour agreement and then am returning back here. For the next Thursday evenings it's not going to work for me to be a witness or observer I am going to have to participate fully. I try to write this blog on an 'as it is happening basis' and it's not working. I think that this constant monitoring of every mood, state, thought is not what the spiritual path is about either. I will continue to write but I will not write anymore about the Thursday evenings until after the group is finished......
I'm writing now while we have a break in lectures because I wil not be scribing again until Sunday evening when I will once again take pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard. Everything.....is happening in such slow motion today....
This made perfect sense to me. I went onto say that I watched myself having this experience because I want to be able to write about it accurately and I can only do this if I am a witness and do not enter into it. He was able to see something that I wasn't which was that it is the effort of keeping myself separate instead of engaging fully with is why I am so tired. The tiredness is the result of the huge resistance I put up last night against engaging fully with the process, staying conscious so that I could write. But this doesn't work. It's not authentic in the fact that I'm not giving myself the opportunity to engage fully and then write afterwards when it's all finished. I can liken it to someone who goes deep sea diving who doesn't want to breathe because they want to be able to report accurately what it is like, it's ridiculous and if the deep sea diver did that he/she would die. Not to sound too dramatic but I nearly died last night with the effort I put into resist what was going on. I left it all to my body and used my mind to be a distance observer and that clearly doesn't work. Yes, it is possible that if I completely lose myself that what I end up writing up about the experience will bear little resemblance to the actual event but that is a chance I have to take to be authentic. The deep sea diver waits until he surfaces to speak about the experiences, I am going to do the same thing.
Downstairs speaking with the woman of the house I saw that the tiredness that I felt was a deep feeling of being chilled and with a flash of insight I saw the mood that cannabis induces and this is how I am feeling as I write this. I am so chilled, but also slow. I am going to London this evening for a classroom and am staying over to do my three hour agreement and then am returning back here. For the next Thursday evenings it's not going to work for me to be a witness or observer I am going to have to participate fully. I try to write this blog on an 'as it is happening basis' and it's not working. I think that this constant monitoring of every mood, state, thought is not what the spiritual path is about either. I will continue to write but I will not write anymore about the Thursday evenings until after the group is finished......
I'm writing now while we have a break in lectures because I wil not be scribing again until Sunday evening when I will once again take pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard. Everything.....is happening in such slow motion today....
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Like a moth to the flame......I was drawn to Vortex healing...
I was so well ready for my hour of Vortex after the day I had in college. My shorthand reached a new low when not only were we asked how a specific outline might be written but when it was written and on the board, I still didn't understand where it had come from or the logic associated with it. I was definitely on a planet of one when all around me were gasps of 'of course, it's so obvious'...whaat...nuthing's obvious to me. In an effort to be authentic I stuck my neck out and said 'I don't get that'. To which the lecturer wheeled around to the board and with a flourish of the whiteboard pen exagerated the outlines that were on the board, as if the weight of brute force and loud voice would penetrate through the fog of my denseness. There is something particularly lonely about not being able to get something even when told it.
Following close on this was 3 hours of design and production which to be fair wasn't too bad. I still didn't get my copy to line up but at least it looked vaguely the same as everyone elses. I think it worked to have told him about my eyesight disability because he did hover around me but then again I stuck myself right up at the front so where else could he hover! The day over I made my way outside and just outside the college is a beautiful view of rolling hills. I took a deep breath and realised that I only seem to breathe properly and relax when I'm outside. It's like I'm so tense and uptight in any indoor environment and I pretend that I'm not.
I took out my trusty directions that a woman at college had kindly given to me at college and set off to my Vortex healing evening. I had never driven the route before and at the top of the hill my eyes were treated to the most gorgeous view of Brighton. I arrived early and safely at the venue where the healing was going to be held which was in a room in a health f od shop. I walked in and immediately the guy behind the counter was so friendly declaring the food in this shop to be the best in the world. Caught between a mixture of annoyance and admiration at his passion for something he obviously loves doing I had an insight that it is having passion and excitement that makes life work. I saw immediately that it was my identity that is at play everytime I allow the feelings of being alone and separate to operate. I gave all of my irritation about this guys exuberance up and let him lead me in terms of a good healthy drink. I drew the line when he suggested an 'all green' smoothie....I know in my head that it was a good choice but after the day I had it would have all been a bit too much. I opted for a combination of apple, carrot, cucumber and some other bits and pieces. When I walked in I asked first whether the Vortex evening was happening in there. He said 'yes' and then asked me if I had met the woman who was running it. When I answered 'no', he said that she was 'very powerful' and that he was going to part of the group also. He told me that he worked in the area of coaching and other things alternative.
I'm so aware now when I'm writing of the importance of not identifying anyone in case I offend. Yesterday morning I was listening to the radio and there was a debate around writers who use events and people in their lives as fodder for their writing. The debate was whether this was writing or betrayal. For some reason, it stayed with me all day. The concern that I may be unwittingly be betraying people is the reason why I took my picture of the site. My neices heard of the blog and were embarassed because from my picture they could be identified as my family so the picture came off. I will not willingly cause embarassement to anyone. . I was also asked to stop writing this blog but that I won't do because of the purpose I have declared that it has. This blog is not about me, but about a process.
I sat down with my super healthy smoothie and looked at the array of spiritual books that were on the shelves in the shop. Immediately the book 'spiritual nutrition' caught my eye and I picked off this thick tome from the shelf and settled down to read. The author Gabriel Cousens went on to describe the full experience of a kundalini awakening that he got from Shaktipat from a famous yogi. I didn't get to read a lot of it but the gist of it is that nutrition is so important to the continuing development of the kundalini. For the umpteenth time I wondered why when I am so not into all of this that I would have had such a powerful experience when I hadn't spent years watching my nutrition, or doing any of the things which are vital for this experience. I put these thoughts away and returned again to the book. Behind me I could hear the constant echo 'this is the best food in the world' and I had to smile.
The door opened and I heard the name of the lady who was going to do the healing and I stole a look behind me. All I saw was a mane of dark hair as she swept through the shop and went upstairs. After a few minutes I returned the book to the shelf, paid for my drink and made my way upstairs. She met me at the door and established who I was. I walked into a small, warm room and I immediately connected with a statue of the Buddha that was there and I felt an immediate ease and relaxatation. The lady asked me some questions and I told her about the experience and how it had called for me to be at this group. As I was talking she was looking at me very attentively and I knew that it was genuine and I felt so comfortable and safe. She was a woman who was dressed in simple jeans and a jumper. There wasn't anything to resemble anything showy. There wasn't the eastern jewellery which seems to go with the territory of people who do this kind of thing. I know that is a major generalisation from me but I've always felt uncomfortable with people who turn up bejewlled with every semi-precious stones hanging from every orifice. There was none of this with this woman.
The door opened and the guy from the shop walked in. Then another woman. We nodded an acknowledgement to each other. There was one other to come but as it was late she said that we would start. I lay down on the mat and immediately the face of Manuel Schoch came to me and I heard him say 'let go'. I started to practice the going out of the body consciousness he had taught me but my mind was just too active and thoughts came from nowhere. Then I felt hands on my feet and I suddenly felt incredibly hot. She left to go to another person and then suddenly I felt my left arm jerk, then my right and I immediately knew what was going to happen- I was going to start convulsing like I have done many times before, mostly just before I go to sleep. I had a fleeting thought of 'what is she going to think if I allow this to happen' but then I knew that I had to allow it, I could control it, but I had to allow it'. Suddenly I felt my face twitching like mad, this was new and then the convulsing started. I surrendered to it, calming it down when it became too intense. What I noticed that everytime I took a deep breath to calm it down I relaxed much more deeply.
She came over a couple of more times and placed her hands on various parts of my body. When she placed her hands on my stomach I felt this searing pain and the convulsing seemed to begin from the stomach and then extend down my legs to my feet. I was aware of this pain, in fact I was completely conscious of everything that was happening and surrendered to it all. My stomach growled very strongly in spite of having had half a vegetable garden within me. At one point the vibration changed from being quite intense to being quite gentle and it seemed to be circular but then it changed again to the quite violent convulsing. Throughout all of this I didn't see anything in terms of any psychic phenomena, no images of ascended masters, angels. It was all happening within my body.
I was aware that I found the time long and at one point when it was quite intense wanted the evening to end but I put this thought away and connected again with what was happening. I know that there is nothing to be afraid of. I understand the purpose of this, it is the cleaning out of the nervous system. This is its purpose. It calms down and clears out the nervous system. Afterwards I was so unbelievably tired. The woman confirmed to me that I was shaking very strongly and asked me if I was aware of this. I replied 'yes' and said that I go with it and don't resist it. This response met with favour from her and not much surprise which I was pleased about. She said something similar to one of the others so it's not that uncommon which made me feel not so separate. She said that in the next few days things could seem to get very unsettled but just to go with it. I said goodbye to everyone and walked out. I took out my water and drank almost the whole bottle. I was disorientated and really very tired. Where did the absolute tiredness come from.
I stopped off at a cashpoint to get my rent for tomorrow. Afterwards I went into the shop and had a strong urge to buy some nuts and oranges. I felt a real need to ground myself. I don't think I have ever been so tired but I also know that my nerves got a clean out this evening and that can only be good.......on this path the two most important qualities are trust and surrender. If you are not prepared to do this.....don't venture consciously onto the path......
Following close on this was 3 hours of design and production which to be fair wasn't too bad. I still didn't get my copy to line up but at least it looked vaguely the same as everyone elses. I think it worked to have told him about my eyesight disability because he did hover around me but then again I stuck myself right up at the front so where else could he hover! The day over I made my way outside and just outside the college is a beautiful view of rolling hills. I took a deep breath and realised that I only seem to breathe properly and relax when I'm outside. It's like I'm so tense and uptight in any indoor environment and I pretend that I'm not.
I took out my trusty directions that a woman at college had kindly given to me at college and set off to my Vortex healing evening. I had never driven the route before and at the top of the hill my eyes were treated to the most gorgeous view of Brighton. I arrived early and safely at the venue where the healing was going to be held which was in a room in a health f od shop. I walked in and immediately the guy behind the counter was so friendly declaring the food in this shop to be the best in the world. Caught between a mixture of annoyance and admiration at his passion for something he obviously loves doing I had an insight that it is having passion and excitement that makes life work. I saw immediately that it was my identity that is at play everytime I allow the feelings of being alone and separate to operate. I gave all of my irritation about this guys exuberance up and let him lead me in terms of a good healthy drink. I drew the line when he suggested an 'all green' smoothie....I know in my head that it was a good choice but after the day I had it would have all been a bit too much. I opted for a combination of apple, carrot, cucumber and some other bits and pieces. When I walked in I asked first whether the Vortex evening was happening in there. He said 'yes' and then asked me if I had met the woman who was running it. When I answered 'no', he said that she was 'very powerful' and that he was going to part of the group also. He told me that he worked in the area of coaching and other things alternative.
I'm so aware now when I'm writing of the importance of not identifying anyone in case I offend. Yesterday morning I was listening to the radio and there was a debate around writers who use events and people in their lives as fodder for their writing. The debate was whether this was writing or betrayal. For some reason, it stayed with me all day. The concern that I may be unwittingly be betraying people is the reason why I took my picture of the site. My neices heard of the blog and were embarassed because from my picture they could be identified as my family so the picture came off. I will not willingly cause embarassement to anyone. . I was also asked to stop writing this blog but that I won't do because of the purpose I have declared that it has. This blog is not about me, but about a process.
I sat down with my super healthy smoothie and looked at the array of spiritual books that were on the shelves in the shop. Immediately the book 'spiritual nutrition' caught my eye and I picked off this thick tome from the shelf and settled down to read. The author Gabriel Cousens went on to describe the full experience of a kundalini awakening that he got from Shaktipat from a famous yogi. I didn't get to read a lot of it but the gist of it is that nutrition is so important to the continuing development of the kundalini. For the umpteenth time I wondered why when I am so not into all of this that I would have had such a powerful experience when I hadn't spent years watching my nutrition, or doing any of the things which are vital for this experience. I put these thoughts away and returned again to the book. Behind me I could hear the constant echo 'this is the best food in the world' and I had to smile.
The door opened and I heard the name of the lady who was going to do the healing and I stole a look behind me. All I saw was a mane of dark hair as she swept through the shop and went upstairs. After a few minutes I returned the book to the shelf, paid for my drink and made my way upstairs. She met me at the door and established who I was. I walked into a small, warm room and I immediately connected with a statue of the Buddha that was there and I felt an immediate ease and relaxatation. The lady asked me some questions and I told her about the experience and how it had called for me to be at this group. As I was talking she was looking at me very attentively and I knew that it was genuine and I felt so comfortable and safe. She was a woman who was dressed in simple jeans and a jumper. There wasn't anything to resemble anything showy. There wasn't the eastern jewellery which seems to go with the territory of people who do this kind of thing. I know that is a major generalisation from me but I've always felt uncomfortable with people who turn up bejewlled with every semi-precious stones hanging from every orifice. There was none of this with this woman.
The door opened and the guy from the shop walked in. Then another woman. We nodded an acknowledgement to each other. There was one other to come but as it was late she said that we would start. I lay down on the mat and immediately the face of Manuel Schoch came to me and I heard him say 'let go'. I started to practice the going out of the body consciousness he had taught me but my mind was just too active and thoughts came from nowhere. Then I felt hands on my feet and I suddenly felt incredibly hot. She left to go to another person and then suddenly I felt my left arm jerk, then my right and I immediately knew what was going to happen- I was going to start convulsing like I have done many times before, mostly just before I go to sleep. I had a fleeting thought of 'what is she going to think if I allow this to happen' but then I knew that I had to allow it, I could control it, but I had to allow it'. Suddenly I felt my face twitching like mad, this was new and then the convulsing started. I surrendered to it, calming it down when it became too intense. What I noticed that everytime I took a deep breath to calm it down I relaxed much more deeply.
She came over a couple of more times and placed her hands on various parts of my body. When she placed her hands on my stomach I felt this searing pain and the convulsing seemed to begin from the stomach and then extend down my legs to my feet. I was aware of this pain, in fact I was completely conscious of everything that was happening and surrendered to it all. My stomach growled very strongly in spite of having had half a vegetable garden within me. At one point the vibration changed from being quite intense to being quite gentle and it seemed to be circular but then it changed again to the quite violent convulsing. Throughout all of this I didn't see anything in terms of any psychic phenomena, no images of ascended masters, angels. It was all happening within my body.
I was aware that I found the time long and at one point when it was quite intense wanted the evening to end but I put this thought away and connected again with what was happening. I know that there is nothing to be afraid of. I understand the purpose of this, it is the cleaning out of the nervous system. This is its purpose. It calms down and clears out the nervous system. Afterwards I was so unbelievably tired. The woman confirmed to me that I was shaking very strongly and asked me if I was aware of this. I replied 'yes' and said that I go with it and don't resist it. This response met with favour from her and not much surprise which I was pleased about. She said something similar to one of the others so it's not that uncommon which made me feel not so separate. She said that in the next few days things could seem to get very unsettled but just to go with it. I said goodbye to everyone and walked out. I took out my water and drank almost the whole bottle. I was disorientated and really very tired. Where did the absolute tiredness come from.
I stopped off at a cashpoint to get my rent for tomorrow. Afterwards I went into the shop and had a strong urge to buy some nuts and oranges. I felt a real need to ground myself. I don't think I have ever been so tired but I also know that my nerves got a clean out this evening and that can only be good.......on this path the two most important qualities are trust and surrender. If you are not prepared to do this.....don't venture consciously onto the path......
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