Monday, 16 March 2009

I've been in such a strange space since the Vortex healing on Thursday evening. I awoke on Saturday feeling much better in as much as the awful tiredness had gone but in its place was a new awareness around everything. I went to do my three hour office agreement and for the first time since I started this education realised that I was coming to the end of what I can get from it. In a moment I saw that that when I finish this year that this is it for me. I thought that I would go on and become a Forum leader but I am clear now that I won't. This shift is unsWhWat ettling for me and has thrown me into major uncertainty. It is amazing that it is in my final quarter that I find myself doing something energetic that has nothing to do with trying to figure things out. It feels like I have got everything I can from this training and now it is time to start something different, to go along another path. What is important more so now than ever is to begin the journey - the journey to separating who we are from who we think we are. This is the most important thing and there are lots of ways of doing this. For me the training provided by Landmark has provided a rapid acceleration of this process but it is not the only thing available. To begin to look for training which resonates in beginning this journey consciously is more important than the actual vehicle chosen. I was in danger of mistaking collapsing the vehicle with the journey. They are separate. The journey can involve the use of different vehicles at the different stages of transformation. What determines whether or not the journey continues or gets stuck at a certain level is the courage to leave and start again when it feels right.

This is scary. It is far easier to stay in something that is familiar and comfortable. But when comfort starts, transformation stops and I realise how easy it would be for me to get comfortable with this training. I saw this so clearly on Saturday which is why I am choosing not to do anything else when I complete in May. Before the Vortex healing I wasn't able to see this and yet I have never really felt wholly comfortable and I haven't been able to put my finger on why. There is no doubting the commitment to transformation and the will of everyone involved in the training for everyone to have and live the life they love, that is not in doubt. For me, I don't have the feeling of having come home like I did the first evening I was introduced to Buddhism. When I was first introduced to the concepts and tenets of Buddhism I had such a strong feeling of having come home. This then begs the question that if I had felt so at home why did I leave. Is this leaving when something begins to get serious me just running away again. The truth is that I don't know. I don't think it is. Buddhism had got to the stage of also being comfortable which is why I left. I firmly believe that comfort and transformation cannot live in the same space, you either have one or the other. One essential requirement for walking a spiritual path is to have enough self-awareness and integrity not to stay in something when it becomes comfortable. To recognise that a method or teaching has run its course and to move on for what more is possible to make a difference in the world. It is like anything, if we go to the gym and do the same exercises every day, day in and day out, the body gets used to it and stops working, vary the routine and everything starts up again. It is exactly the same with the spiritual path. To stay in something once it has become comfortable and familiar is to delay the process of raising consciousness to bring about spiritual awakening.

What I also find interesting is that on Wednesday I am going out to interview the head monk of a Buddhist centre. I know that since the Vortex healing I am much more relaxed and chilled. I have felt a strong need to meditate each morning and evening since Thursday which I hadn't felt in a while and my meditation is deeper. I have committed not to be on the side-lines anymore watching the experiences but to enter fully into them and write from my memory after the events. It is resulting in a new and different absorption.....

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