Friday, 13 March 2009

Too tired to write....well almost..

My alarm clock went off at 5am and if I was given a million pounds to get up I couldn't. My body felt so heavy. I reached out to turn it off and promptly fell back to sleep. I woke naturally at 6am and just lay feeling like such a dead weight. My first thought was 'how am I going to get to college today'. I had a tiredness that was different to anything else and I had it that I don't do tired. I dragged my bones out of bed and into the shower and afterwards I felt a little bit more enthusiastic about facing the world. There was nothing I would have liked better than to turf myself back into bed for the rest of the day. I went downstairs to have some breakfast and the lady of the house made herself a cup of tea and joined me. She knew that I was going to be doing the Vortex healing and was very interested. Before I came down I had a conversation with a friend in London and I told him what I had been doing. I was amazed at how I could barely put the words together, everything was so slow, my speech, my thoughts, everything. I was explaining to him how tired I was and because he is a fitness instructor he was able to tell me that all of the physical jerking I had done last night was the equivalent of a work out which was why I was so tired.

This made perfect sense to me. I went onto say that I watched myself having this experience because I want to be able to write about it accurately and I can only do this if I am a witness and do not enter into it. He was able to see something that I wasn't which was that it is the effort of keeping myself separate instead of engaging fully with is why I am so tired. The tiredness is the result of the huge resistance I put up last night against engaging fully with the process, staying conscious so that I could write. But this doesn't work. It's not authentic in the fact that I'm not giving myself the opportunity to engage fully and then write afterwards when it's all finished. I can liken it to someone who goes deep sea diving who doesn't want to breathe because they want to be able to report accurately what it is like, it's ridiculous and if the deep sea diver did that he/she would die. Not to sound too dramatic but I nearly died last night with the effort I put into resist what was going on. I left it all to my body and used my mind to be a distance observer and that clearly doesn't work. Yes, it is possible that if I completely lose myself that what I end up writing up about the experience will bear little resemblance to the actual event but that is a chance I have to take to be authentic. The deep sea diver waits until he surfaces to speak about the experiences, I am going to do the same thing.

Downstairs speaking with the woman of the house I saw that the tiredness that I felt was a deep feeling of being chilled and with a flash of insight I saw the mood that cannabis induces and this is how I am feeling as I write this. I am so chilled, but also slow. I am going to London this evening for a classroom and am staying over to do my three hour agreement and then am returning back here. For the next Thursday evenings it's not going to work for me to be a witness or observer I am going to have to participate fully. I try to write this blog on an 'as it is happening basis' and it's not working. I think that this constant monitoring of every mood, state, thought is not what the spiritual path is about either. I will continue to write but I will not write anymore about the Thursday evenings until after the group is finished......

I'm writing now while we have a break in lectures because I wil not be scribing again until Sunday evening when I will once again take pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard. happening in such slow motion today....

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