My consciousness was awake early this morning because it sensed an important meeting. I was going to meet the founding member of the society of metaphysicians a 91 year old man and I was so excited. Not just about my book and what I could do with it but also for me. I felt that in this man I might understand something more about what happened back in 1988. I would have a scientific explanation and not some new agey one. Me and my trusty sat nav set off early for the over one hour drive. The night before I had located my car from where I had parked it miles away from where I now live because there is limited free parking where I am so I knew that I wouldn't start the morning pannicking walking around unfamiliar streets for a non-existent car. Car located I sat in and rigged up my trusty friend. There was nothing to tell me that it was going to take my control and get me to where I needed safely and on time until I turned on the engine to charge it up....then I heard some welcome words about 'turning left' when I switched the engine on. Words can't describe how grateful I am to have this gadget. It has revolutionised how I feel about driving. I have zero sense of direction so driving was always a nightmare. Even going on holiday, because of this lack of a sense of direction, it has always been stressful. India, especially. I must be the only traveller that has a smile on my face when we hit back on a England terminal.
I arrived at the society in plenty of time with only having a dispute with the sat nav once which won and was in the right! The place was desserted and when I looked at my watch I realised that I was 15 minutes early to meet with this doctor of divinity. A little while later a grey car pulled up and a lady got out. I got out of my car and introduced myself and she said 'yes, he is expecting you, let's go in'. She opened the door to this small office that had books and papers absolutely everywhere. Then a man turned up. They asked me what my purpose was in being there and with a flourish I produced my book from the depths of my bag. What is it about having an actual book that changes the whole energy in the room. The moment I produced the book and spoke about the possibility of spiritual expansion and awakening for the ordinary there was an attention and a stillness. I gave a mental thanks to my publishers ki publishing who had published it without any financial input from me. The man picked up the book and started flicking through it. Then they said that they had promoted a book for a woman about how animals are friends of humans. Then the man himself arrived with a remark about being 91 and not getting up so early now.
My first impressions were of a man where the body might be old but his eyes were bright, alert and intelligent. I experienced this deep relief in that if anyone is able to explain what it is that lies at the base of the spine that when it rises and descends causes such a shift in consciousness, I would find it here. He looked at me keenly and said 'why have you come'. I explained about the book and took it out but I then said 'but it's not just about ways of promoting the book' , 'I would value your view on whether or it is appropriate for me to continue to speak about this experience and the shifts it created, or if now that the book is written, to trust that I have played my part and to settle down into life and look for a job. He then said 'can you feel the mentals around'. I was a bit confused and said 'do you mean other entities and as I said it I could also hear my inner voice go oh no, not another that sees angels etc'. But even as it was saying this it had no conviction because there is something deeply trustworthy about this man. I have respect for his lifetime of work for the society. He wouldn't have given his life's work to metaphysics which is that which is beyond the physical if he hadn't touched something. He then went onto explain that he has been a psychic and a mystic since a young boy and that he could feel the presence of other entities around as we spoke.
As I spoke about life after I made a decision when I was 11 to follow a spiritual and not a religious path he was thumbing through the book, rapidly scanning the pages. From it he picked up on my experience with the hallucinogenic drug STP and without feeling any embarassement or in anyway like a fraud I explained that event. He stopped reading, looked at me with these piercing blue eyes and said 'I don't recommend drugs it interferes with the natural expansion of the consciousness'. While I agreed there was a part of me that knows just how much my consciousness has expanded and I assert that the shift of consciousness so that it doesn't revert back to where it was requires something stronger than prolonged meditation. The test is if the drug use is continued solely to achieve that altered state of consciousness. For me, it was a one-off taken not for a mystical/spiritual experience but to try to understand another problem I was having in relation to a guy. But I didn't feel the need to defend this view to this man. I bowed to his many years of experience and was quiet and listened intently.
He spoke about the consciousness being one. When he came to the label of kundalini which I had put on the experience he said that splitting off the consciousness by putting a label on any of its movement limits what possible for the consciousness. This resonated because ever since the experience I have been so reluctant to label it as kundalini. I hadn't been able to explain this reluctance until today. Now I see that by labelling it I am reducing its power. He then spoke about the unlimitedness of the consciousness and told me stories about how his consciousness regularly leaves his body. This hit at the nub of my fear around this part of spiritual expansion. I am obsessed with having control of my consciousness and my identity is using this control to keep my consciousness limited by the constrains of the body. This man spoke about letting go of that control so my consciousness can be free. Manuel Schoch before he died often said the same thing to me, you have to let go of the control. I think subconsciously a deep knowing that nothing else is going to shift until I do let go of control is what found me at the emotional freeing technique treatment. Within the limits of my control of my consciousness nothing new or different is possible. He then looked around him, stood up and brought down this dusty old tome which dated from many years back. He said that it was written by chanelling, which is where the man went into a deep trance and typed it out on an old typewriter. He then looked at me again keenly and repeated 'nothing else is possible while the consciousness is constrained'. I felt this shiver as if I had come to yet another point at where I had to make a choice. I can be content to be where I am at or I can take a risk for what more is possible for others through me. It was like he read my thoughts because he said 'but be careful, if you just want this for yourself, you won't get it, you have to want it for others because the consciousness is not yours it is universal consciousness. I knew this from my study of the concept of the Bodhissatva in Mahayana Buddhist.
The lady who had let me in then came into the room and asked me if I would like to have a coffee. There was a few moments of silence and then a cat came into the room. What is it about me and cats these days. My flatmate has a cat, the woman I had the treatment with has a cat and now there is a cat in this room. He jumped up onto the table and arched its back to be stroked which I did. The man said 'the cat feels something from you' and when he said this I felt tears sting at the back of my eyes. And I said 'so you believe me and this experience' and he said 'yes, but remember the absolute operates by universal laws so do not label it kundalini, what happened to you is that you touched love, this is why the cat is so happy to sit there beside you and why you have such an openess and aliveness to life, call what happened to you the experience of love'. After he said that there was the most exquisite silence.
He then broke it by talking about the help the society could give me with promoting my book and we spoke about some practical matters. He then said that he was going to look for examples of the kinds of leaflets I could produce for the book which the society would then sell on my behalf. When he came back he had a bound A4 notebook and he gave it to me explaining that it was a condensed version of the new metaphysics which basically says that there is one universal consciousness that operates in accordance with universal laws. I was moved and delighted and asked him to sign it which he did. When I looked to see what he had written he had put 'to Margaret, a fellow seeker'. I knew then that he could see that I was genuine and not a time-waster that I had something to say, a story to tell and that I was also at a cross-roads. He told me to now give my next step to the universe, that I would be shown that the way. At this stage I had been speaking with him for over an hour and I realised that it was a long time for a 91 year old man so I said my goodbyes and left him with the book.
I was in the outside office chatting to the woman when he appeared waving the book and saying 'you haven't signed this'...aagh...I'm so not used to signing books what do I say to this man who has spent his life's work trying to make real and tangible what is in essence a presence. I felt so humbled that he would want a signed book from me. I wrote something about the privilege and pleasure it was to have met him and when I looked at him once again we had a deep connection. As he said once when we were talking 'we understand each other'. This validation coming from such an established doctor of divinity was more than I had dreamed of.
Driving back I was thinking about how my next move is to let go of the control of my consciousness. Gosh I really miss Manuel Schoch who would understand just how I could do this as he was a mystic and a neuroscientist who could show people how to do this but I'm aware that nobody not even Manuel can do this if there is not a willingness on my part to go there. I am clear that I am going to remain at the place where I am unless I am willing to let go of this control and it starts with taking on seriously a meditation practice, whether this is group or alone. I saw the effects of the meditation I went to on Thursday morning after Wednesday night something had once again got stirred up. I should know that developing the consciousness and awakening is not something that is tacked on at the beginning or end of the day it is all encompassing. All of the great guru's spent hours in meditation to expand their consciousness so that when they spoke their words had power and could shift the consciousness of those who were around them. This is not a part-time activity. This man said that my next way would be shown to me. He then said enigmatically: "It is no co-incidence that you have come here today". I wanted to ask him what he meant but didn't because this would be my ego wanting some kind of certainty. This path is all about dealing with the uncertainty. I heard once that a car can travel 200 miles in the dark, it only needs the light for 20 metres at a time. Today was my 20 metres and tomorrow another 20 metres will show. I don't need to see the light needed for the whole of the 200 miles, just the light for a little way ahead.
But I also have to be realistic and have to make a living while being committed but not attached to this process which has begun and which I have faith will continue. My next step is to find a designer who will design some leaflets for me. A leaflet for the society about my book, a leaflet about the six week meditation course I will do in September and another leaflet about the book. This is a dilemma because even though I studied design on this course I couldn't get to grips with it and I don't have the package on my computer. So Monday I am going to think about who could put together these leaflets for me.
When I returned I had this strong urge to bring the car back to where I had parked it even though the odds were so strong that the parking spot would be taken because it is the only area of free parking in the city and is always taken. Deciding to go with the strong impulse I drove to the area and really wasn't surprised but was incredibly grateful when I found a spot even closer to where I live than where I had parked. I met up with a friend who is the same woman I had the treatment from and told her about how strange I had been after it and the raging headache that I had and she empathised. She didn't mention having another treatment and neither did I. After we said goodbye, I got a phone call and it was my interview to be accepted to train to be a leader for children and young people. I was amazed at how easy and powerfully my reasons for wanting to be this came from my tongue. I was asked about how I dealt with things when they didn't go my way, what strategies I would use to get out of my commitments, not to be in integrity and I had a clarity about all of this that I didn't have before. I realised that I am beginning to understand myself so well. Manuel Schoch said that enlightenment is nothing more than fully and totally understanding yourself, understanding others is intelligence but understanding yourself is enlightenment. This training programme is the quickest route I know and I accept there are other trainings out there to understanding and having power over the mechanism that drives human being.
The meeting with this man was so well worth it. He wouldn't have dedicated his whole life to the study of that which is beyond the physical if he didn't have direct experience of it. Direct experience is what drives him and me on. My last thought tonight is of 'fellow seeker' and what exactly he saw in me that gave me that accolade......I don't know and anyway.... it's only my ego asking.....
Friday, 10 July 2009
Thursday, 9 July 2009
The tiredness continues....and at the end a raging headache
The tiredness was all encompassing today. I compounded this by having a treatment called EFT or emotional freeing technique. I know the lady who does it and she suggested that it would help me release any emotional blocks that I had. I'm always sceptical of this kind of thing but am also clear that to be as powerful as I can in making a difference in my own life and that of others I cannot be arrogant. And so meek as a lamb I took my tiredness and me to this woman. When I walked into the room I was firstly struck by all the certificates on the wall, there was no doubting this woman's qualifications. We began to speak about my childhood which is where inevitably all emotional blocks are formed. She explained that the technique would unblock my meridians and then picked up a blue pen and asked me if I minded if she drew where the meridian points were on my hands. I agreed, hey why not....
Then we engaged in a bit of finger tapping, me mirroring her and me saying words that are designed to remove emotional blocks. When I arrived I told her that feeling different and unconnected to people while loving them deeply and this was the reason why I was here. This disconnect was causing me to feel lonely. Then she asked me on a scale of 1 - 10 how painful were the feelings. Now this is always something that causes me to think because I'm not sure exactly what pain is, I'm generally happy and certainly very healthy so the principle of a turbulent mind coming out through the body is not true for me. It is more like a nagging 'why do I feel so different to everyone' and the kind of isolation thinking like that produces, more than I'm feeling the excruciating pain of loneliness. So...with all of this dilemma going on in my head I proclaimed that I was feeling an '8'. But then I had to fess up in the interests of being authentic and having integrity that I really didn't know what an '8' felt like. At this point she looked a little confused but continued to soldier. We engaged in a rigorous and rapid tapping of meridian points at different points on my hand and I had to repeat certain words and phrases that were designed at tricking my conscious mind into letting the sub-conscious emerge to see what was really going on...ah...ah.
Try as I might I couldn't stop my mind from wandering. My computer had blown up earlier that morning and I had it in my bag to bring to get fixed so part of my mind was on that. My inner voice, that has always been so sceptical of this kind of thing was really on a rant 'what are you getting from this' yada...yada.....but I persevered. At the end she asked me how I felt now on a scale of 1 - 1o and when I said 'a 4' she looked disappointed and said 'let's carry on, I want to get you to zero'....aagh....why didn't I say zero, I had no idea that this was the purpose of the treatment and at the moment I felt this fear and I wanted 'out'. We continued again with this tapping and with every tap I felt more and more foolish. Eventually I had had enough and I said "I feel much better, definitely at zero! " The truth was that I didn't feel any differently to the way that I did before I went in. I think this practice like all alternative practices works on faith and maybe as always even though I am drawn to these, once there I can't get rid of the feeling that I shouldn't be there, it is not there that I am going to find answers.
The lady was very good and kind and believes passionately in what she does and the results she has produced for people and I can't fault her in anyway for that. I went away with a bottle of Bachs flower remedies designed to treat 'proud and aloof'! On the way home on the bus an overwhelming tiredness which added to the tiredness I had woken up with came over me and then I got a headache. I never get headaches and this made me think. Has this treatment done something. I went into the shop with the computer to find that there's nothing wrong with it and could be the fuse in the plug socket at home....by the time I got home the headache was raging and I was so tired I could barely speak.
My flat mate came home and I told her what had happened and she just laughed to see me stretched out on the sofa barely able to speak let alone move. She has a cat who must have sensed that I was feeling quite strange because she lept onto my lap and stayed there for most of the evening.
I am going to bed early to try to recover some energy. I am so excited about tomorrow though because I am going to see a Doctor of Divinity at the Society of Metaphysicians. He is 91 and founded the society and so I feel that he might understand something of what I have been through and more importantly what if anything I am to do with it. It's been a most strange kind of day.....
Then we engaged in a bit of finger tapping, me mirroring her and me saying words that are designed to remove emotional blocks. When I arrived I told her that feeling different and unconnected to people while loving them deeply and this was the reason why I was here. This disconnect was causing me to feel lonely. Then she asked me on a scale of 1 - 10 how painful were the feelings. Now this is always something that causes me to think because I'm not sure exactly what pain is, I'm generally happy and certainly very healthy so the principle of a turbulent mind coming out through the body is not true for me. It is more like a nagging 'why do I feel so different to everyone' and the kind of isolation thinking like that produces, more than I'm feeling the excruciating pain of loneliness. So...with all of this dilemma going on in my head I proclaimed that I was feeling an '8'. But then I had to fess up in the interests of being authentic and having integrity that I really didn't know what an '8' felt like. At this point she looked a little confused but continued to soldier. We engaged in a rigorous and rapid tapping of meridian points at different points on my hand and I had to repeat certain words and phrases that were designed at tricking my conscious mind into letting the sub-conscious emerge to see what was really going on...ah...ah.
Try as I might I couldn't stop my mind from wandering. My computer had blown up earlier that morning and I had it in my bag to bring to get fixed so part of my mind was on that. My inner voice, that has always been so sceptical of this kind of thing was really on a rant 'what are you getting from this' yada...yada.....but I persevered. At the end she asked me how I felt now on a scale of 1 - 1o and when I said 'a 4' she looked disappointed and said 'let's carry on, I want to get you to zero'....aagh....why didn't I say zero, I had no idea that this was the purpose of the treatment and at the moment I felt this fear and I wanted 'out'. We continued again with this tapping and with every tap I felt more and more foolish. Eventually I had had enough and I said "I feel much better, definitely at zero! " The truth was that I didn't feel any differently to the way that I did before I went in. I think this practice like all alternative practices works on faith and maybe as always even though I am drawn to these, once there I can't get rid of the feeling that I shouldn't be there, it is not there that I am going to find answers.
The lady was very good and kind and believes passionately in what she does and the results she has produced for people and I can't fault her in anyway for that. I went away with a bottle of Bachs flower remedies designed to treat 'proud and aloof'! On the way home on the bus an overwhelming tiredness which added to the tiredness I had woken up with came over me and then I got a headache. I never get headaches and this made me think. Has this treatment done something. I went into the shop with the computer to find that there's nothing wrong with it and could be the fuse in the plug socket at home....by the time I got home the headache was raging and I was so tired I could barely speak.
My flat mate came home and I told her what had happened and she just laughed to see me stretched out on the sofa barely able to speak let alone move. She has a cat who must have sensed that I was feeling quite strange because she lept onto my lap and stayed there for most of the evening.
I am going to bed early to try to recover some energy. I am so excited about tomorrow though because I am going to see a Doctor of Divinity at the Society of Metaphysicians. He is 91 and founded the society and so I feel that he might understand something of what I have been through and more importantly what if anything I am to do with it. It's been a most strange kind of day.....
The power.....of meditating in a group
This morning I woke up feeling more tired than I have in a while. Last night I did an hours meditation with a group of people and I can really feel the effects this morning. I am tired but it's not a tiredness where I don't want to get up. I'm excited about the day but also very calm. The session last night was divided up into two parts. The first one which lasted half an hour was a guided meditation on the Buddhist concept of loving kindness or metta as it is more often called. This was for half an hour and then there was the opportunity to share whatever was there for people. This is different to how this school of Buddhism practiced it when I belonged many years ago. Then there was no sharing of experiences after meditation practice and it was something I longed for. But now, I see that my longing for it then was for the mind so that it could have the distraction from the silence that thoughts bring. I see now that my desperate wish for some talking was the actions of a mind deeply threatened by meditation and by what it makes possible.
The sharing started and one man wished for all of us present peace of mind. My heart lept in compassion for the turbulence he was obviously feeling. I remember so well that turbulence and the inability of the mind to be still and I wanted to go up to him, give him a hug and say 'keep at it, it will come'. But of course I didn't do this. I was also struck last night by what the mind will latch onto to prevent the consciousness becoming still. I found the voice of the person who guided the meditation to be soothing and relaxing but for another person that soothing voice was too low and so the mind latched onto this and created thoughts of frustration and agitation as the words were trying to be grasped and so there was no stillness available for that person on this occasion.
The purpose of meditation is to still the mind so that something different can arise. What arises when the mind is still is the language of the soul. Intuition, insight and illumination arises when the mind is still. Meditation is not easy because the mind fights with everything it has not be still and then we blame ourselves for not being able to meditate. There are two parts to us there is our personal identity which uses the mind to keep things the same and predictable and then there is the deeper part, what Buddhists call 'the witness' that watches all of the antics of the mind with a deep compassion. The aim of meditation as I see it is to make stronger the witness so that at a certain point the mind surrenders. It is this surrender that it is terrified of but the truth is that it is this surrender that is its liberation.....
Another day today.......what will this day bring...
The sharing started and one man wished for all of us present peace of mind. My heart lept in compassion for the turbulence he was obviously feeling. I remember so well that turbulence and the inability of the mind to be still and I wanted to go up to him, give him a hug and say 'keep at it, it will come'. But of course I didn't do this. I was also struck last night by what the mind will latch onto to prevent the consciousness becoming still. I found the voice of the person who guided the meditation to be soothing and relaxing but for another person that soothing voice was too low and so the mind latched onto this and created thoughts of frustration and agitation as the words were trying to be grasped and so there was no stillness available for that person on this occasion.
The purpose of meditation is to still the mind so that something different can arise. What arises when the mind is still is the language of the soul. Intuition, insight and illumination arises when the mind is still. Meditation is not easy because the mind fights with everything it has not be still and then we blame ourselves for not being able to meditate. There are two parts to us there is our personal identity which uses the mind to keep things the same and predictable and then there is the deeper part, what Buddhists call 'the witness' that watches all of the antics of the mind with a deep compassion. The aim of meditation as I see it is to make stronger the witness so that at a certain point the mind surrenders. It is this surrender that it is terrified of but the truth is that it is this surrender that is its liberation.....
Another day today.......what will this day bring...
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
The excitement of the unpredictable.......
These days I feel like I did when I was travelling around India and I never knew from one moment to the next what would happen. It is exactly the same now except for unlike India I know where I am going. I have such a pathetic sense of direction that it was only when some shopkeeper said 'hello again Madam' to me that I realised I had been in the direction before! This added stress to unpredictability. These days I have the unpredictability but without the stress because I know my way around here.
I must be honest and say that since the course ended I have been cruising. I've been travelling a bit to sort things out with my flat and I am so surprised at the freedom and ease with which it is all happening. I have given up all attempts to control life and as a result life is carrying me easily and effortlessly. I've always known intuitively that being in integrity is the key to living a life that works but I never thought it would result in the ease, peace, calm and inner contentment that I feel. I moved into a flat in the centre of town and it's been just great.
I left my job to be authentic in my desire to share my story of spiritual awakening and have had interesting results. The trouble with the experiences I have had is that they don't fit neatly into a mold and the other thing that is kind of going against me is that I don't have a teacher or adhere slavishly to one tradition. So when I knock on the door of Buddhist organisations requesting a room to promote my book I am given the third degree as to my Buddhist practice and school of teaching. When I explain patiently about spiritual expansion and awakening not requiring any dogma, Buddhist or otherwise there is a noticeable shift in tone and demeanour which is not in my favour. Another door shuts and I slink away. And yet what is this drive that keeps me going on. I tried a couple of book shops today and one was interested in what I had to share and has asked me to put together a flyer for a 6 week meditation course later in the year. So it is more of this that I must do and to be honest I feel more alive and happy doing this. I finally feel true to my purpose in life but it remains to be seen whether what I feel is my purpose and what the universes purpose is are the same......only time is going to tell on this one.
I have to trust that the power of the experience I had which was explained to me as a kundalini experience is to be shared, not taught and certainly not risen before its time and and to trust that when I am speaking with people about what I want to do. I had a taste of this tonight when I found myself at an open meditation evening. Even though I wasn't the facilitator for the evening two of the people there came over to me and asked me questions. When I explained that I was giving a talk based on the experiences in the book one immediately asked me for the details. So I have to also trust that the way that I think things are going to happen is not like that at all and relax a bit around all of this.
I also haven't forgotten about my declaration to be a leader for children and young people and that training starts in a couple of weeks time when I review the forum. This will be an interesting experience as it was 2005 when I did it and didn't understand much of what went on. Now I am so much more aware of the basic concepts so it will be interesting to see how expanded or not my consciousness has become.
I'm aware that I haven't written much. I'm on twitter and I find the limited characters, only allowed - 140 quite freeing. Having said that I have enjoyed writing this post, I just hope that I haven't lost anyone due to not having been consistent. Part of this is my obsession with wanting to look good on this blog and to have it all sorted and arriving where I want to be but the truth is.....that I'm not there yet....
I must be honest and say that since the course ended I have been cruising. I've been travelling a bit to sort things out with my flat and I am so surprised at the freedom and ease with which it is all happening. I have given up all attempts to control life and as a result life is carrying me easily and effortlessly. I've always known intuitively that being in integrity is the key to living a life that works but I never thought it would result in the ease, peace, calm and inner contentment that I feel. I moved into a flat in the centre of town and it's been just great.
I left my job to be authentic in my desire to share my story of spiritual awakening and have had interesting results. The trouble with the experiences I have had is that they don't fit neatly into a mold and the other thing that is kind of going against me is that I don't have a teacher or adhere slavishly to one tradition. So when I knock on the door of Buddhist organisations requesting a room to promote my book I am given the third degree as to my Buddhist practice and school of teaching. When I explain patiently about spiritual expansion and awakening not requiring any dogma, Buddhist or otherwise there is a noticeable shift in tone and demeanour which is not in my favour. Another door shuts and I slink away. And yet what is this drive that keeps me going on. I tried a couple of book shops today and one was interested in what I had to share and has asked me to put together a flyer for a 6 week meditation course later in the year. So it is more of this that I must do and to be honest I feel more alive and happy doing this. I finally feel true to my purpose in life but it remains to be seen whether what I feel is my purpose and what the universes purpose is are the same......only time is going to tell on this one.
I have to trust that the power of the experience I had which was explained to me as a kundalini experience is to be shared, not taught and certainly not risen before its time and and to trust that when I am speaking with people about what I want to do. I had a taste of this tonight when I found myself at an open meditation evening. Even though I wasn't the facilitator for the evening two of the people there came over to me and asked me questions. When I explained that I was giving a talk based on the experiences in the book one immediately asked me for the details. So I have to also trust that the way that I think things are going to happen is not like that at all and relax a bit around all of this.
I also haven't forgotten about my declaration to be a leader for children and young people and that training starts in a couple of weeks time when I review the forum. This will be an interesting experience as it was 2005 when I did it and didn't understand much of what went on. Now I am so much more aware of the basic concepts so it will be interesting to see how expanded or not my consciousness has become.
I'm aware that I haven't written much. I'm on twitter and I find the limited characters, only allowed - 140 quite freeing. Having said that I have enjoyed writing this post, I just hope that I haven't lost anyone due to not having been consistent. Part of this is my obsession with wanting to look good on this blog and to have it all sorted and arriving where I want to be but the truth is.....that I'm not there yet....
Thursday, 2 July 2009
The start of another phase of life.....
My journalism course is finished. It was an invaluable training and one which will benefit me in the next stage of my spiritual journey. I am declaring myself as a spiritual writer and coach. I had the first US sale of my book 'Journey to Self' the other day and it signifies to me that the time is right for me to take on seriously sharing my journey with others to touch, move and inspire them. I moved out from the family I was living with and into a flat in the centre of town. It was time for me to move. I love the family I was living with dearly and they were very good to me. But if I am to carve out my own spiritual niche I need more independence and to be in the centre of town which I am now.
I am choosing powerfully to promote myself as a spiritual coach - my tool being meditation leading to spiritual awakening, - that moment or glimpse when the truth shows itself before once again being covered by the veil of illusion. I have spoken about this idea to friends and the feedback has been positive. I am privileged in having had a number of profound experiences through meditation which will help to establish me as a credible teacher/coach/guide. I have joined a business link to give me support with those left brain things I have traditionally struggled with and as a result don't feel like I am doing it all on my own. I am also aware of having had the idea of breaking out and doing my thing for many years but also being scared of not having what it takes. I find now that I have ideas and insights about how I could do it that were not available to me when I had a back door of having a safe job and place to live. Now that there is no backdoor I have the peace that comes with finally saying 'yes' to something that has nagged at me for a very long time and being focussed on the one thing which I have tried to forget by doing other things but somehow it was always there - the idea of being a leader in the spiritual world.
My plan is to begin with a number of evenings promoting my book and seeing how much interest there would be from people to begin four week meditation courses with the intention of bringing about the experience of spiritual awakening. This is a very tall order and I am very aware of the power of the kundalini energy and the consequences if it is not respected. But I believe that a glimpse is possible without the full blown kundalini experience of awakening which I experienced. In time I may return to India and get trained in giving shaktipat awakening but for now I am going to focus on preparing the body and mind to be strong enough to withstand the power of the experience when it arises because I believe that sooner rather than later this is going to happen as the consciousness shifts to the next stage of evolution. I am a stand that people are prepared in as much as they can be for this event.
I have already booked one evening and today I received a call from another woman offering me a room in another venue and saying that she has had requests for the centre to offer meditation. This is what I mean about doors opening that before I jumped off the cliff of security and safety had been firmly shut. Is it a question of timing that these doors are now opening or is it a question of integrity of finally closing off any backdoor and commiting myself to what I know is going to be the work for the rest of my life. I know that this is not going to be easy because of the identity and how it will operate not to have the person delve into the deeper more spiritual essence but I can see that is not the person themselves that will be resisting but the identity which is scared and senses a threat to its existence. My job will be to deepen the inner urge whilst acknowledging with compassion the threat the identity senses.
So once again this blog is going to be the place where I will record the highs and lows of the next stage of my journey to self, the journey never ends, all that ends are cycles on that journey....
I am choosing powerfully to promote myself as a spiritual coach - my tool being meditation leading to spiritual awakening, - that moment or glimpse when the truth shows itself before once again being covered by the veil of illusion. I have spoken about this idea to friends and the feedback has been positive. I am privileged in having had a number of profound experiences through meditation which will help to establish me as a credible teacher/coach/guide. I have joined a business link to give me support with those left brain things I have traditionally struggled with and as a result don't feel like I am doing it all on my own. I am also aware of having had the idea of breaking out and doing my thing for many years but also being scared of not having what it takes. I find now that I have ideas and insights about how I could do it that were not available to me when I had a back door of having a safe job and place to live. Now that there is no backdoor I have the peace that comes with finally saying 'yes' to something that has nagged at me for a very long time and being focussed on the one thing which I have tried to forget by doing other things but somehow it was always there - the idea of being a leader in the spiritual world.
My plan is to begin with a number of evenings promoting my book and seeing how much interest there would be from people to begin four week meditation courses with the intention of bringing about the experience of spiritual awakening. This is a very tall order and I am very aware of the power of the kundalini energy and the consequences if it is not respected. But I believe that a glimpse is possible without the full blown kundalini experience of awakening which I experienced. In time I may return to India and get trained in giving shaktipat awakening but for now I am going to focus on preparing the body and mind to be strong enough to withstand the power of the experience when it arises because I believe that sooner rather than later this is going to happen as the consciousness shifts to the next stage of evolution. I am a stand that people are prepared in as much as they can be for this event.
I have already booked one evening and today I received a call from another woman offering me a room in another venue and saying that she has had requests for the centre to offer meditation. This is what I mean about doors opening that before I jumped off the cliff of security and safety had been firmly shut. Is it a question of timing that these doors are now opening or is it a question of integrity of finally closing off any backdoor and commiting myself to what I know is going to be the work for the rest of my life. I know that this is not going to be easy because of the identity and how it will operate not to have the person delve into the deeper more spiritual essence but I can see that is not the person themselves that will be resisting but the identity which is scared and senses a threat to its existence. My job will be to deepen the inner urge whilst acknowledging with compassion the threat the identity senses.
So once again this blog is going to be the place where I will record the highs and lows of the next stage of my journey to self, the journey never ends, all that ends are cycles on that journey....
Sunday, 21 June 2009
The course is nearly over.....now what...
I am coming up to the very last week of my course and what an amazing four months it has been. It's been a challenge especially as I have been doing most of it alongside my Landmark training which has made these few months very intense. And now it is all about to end and I am asking myself the question 'what is next'. There are very few jobs out there for journalists and having come to the end of this course am not at all sure that I want to have a staff job on a magazine or newspaper. There is lots about journalism that I admire but there are also aspects of it that don't feel comfortable. I take people very much at face value and don't look too deeply beyond what is said to me. This was a fault with my interview in that I didn't look for 'what is it that this person doesn't want me to know', what am I not being told the truth about'. I don't like this way of working and yet I know that on the spiritual level the identity is always so clever about hiding what doesn't want to be seen and I have no problems at all with seeing this and recognising it when I am speaking to people about matters spiritual. I pick up immediately on the identity resistance and am compassionate to its meaning. Unfortunately this does not translate to normal interviewing.
This creates a dilemma for me in that I don't feel having completed this course that I am cut out to be a journalist. This is a shock and not what I expected but I think it proves that being a writer and being a journalist are different things. Being competent at one does not give automatically, the qualities needed to be the other. But I will try my hand at pitching some ideas as a freelance journalist. I have the comfort of having had two of my articles published in a health and well-being magazine and I will continue with ideas for that but the main idea I had about looking for a staff job on a magazine is not something I am going to pursue.
I have understood so clearly this weekend that the only life there is, is what we create. There is nothing imposed on us, just what we create. Regular readers of this blog will know how I have struggled with things of the computer. On Friday I had my design and sub-editing exam and I was dreading it. The design package was one I always had trouble with and I thought that this with the stress of the exam would make the experience a nightmare. I called a friend just before the exam and she asked me to list out what my concerns were around the exam, I rattled off that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do what I had to on the computer, that I would delete stuff and not be able to get it back, that I would panic and throw the whole lot to hell. She listened patiently to my rant and then said, OK they are your concerns, what possibility are you going to create. Suddenly and from nowhere I had a strong intuitive thought and I said 'I am creating the possibility that me and the computer are friends and we are there to help each other and I'm going to have fun with this exam'.
A few minutes later I was in the exam room and we were told to turn on the computers and log-on. Horror of horrors when I typed in my password and saw those dreaded red letters 'incorrect log-in'..Whaaat... incorrect login, that's been my log in since the beginning of the course. My mind raced with options for what to do and I was amazed at how calm I was about it. I looked again at my screen and saw that there was a number there for technical support. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was 1pm - this is lunch-time for most office people but I created that someone was going to be there and I was going to get this sorted. With gritted determination I called the number and couldn't believe it when there was a human voice at the other end. Very intentional I explained that an exam was going to uploaded to my account and I couldn't log in and I needed it to be sorted immediately. She looked up the account and said the embarrassing words 'your account has expired because you didn't change your password'......duh....I dimly remember seeing something about having five more logins but thought 'that's going to be plenty'.....obviously not..... Anyway, five mins later and all is sorted with so much freedom and ease.
I pick up the exam from where it has been uploaded and set up the screens that I want and then something absolutely amazing happens, the computer starts doing everything that I ask it to. I find ways of looking at things and moving between things that in the past caused me no end of worry and stress when I couldn't get them back again. This time, there was none of that. From this I really understand that I created it like this, the same as all the times in the past when I created that the design class would be stressful. I created it and so it was. The difference is that this time I was conscious of what I was creating, all the other times I wasn't. I have often heard the words 'we are masters of our own destiny' and even the Landmark training which is solely about how we create our lives and then learning the tools by which to create powerfully and consciously but I never really understood it. I still thought that I was at the mercy of some benevolent force. The experience with this design exam has shown me that there is nothing but me and what I create, the same as there is nothing but you and what you create. A better more sustainable world can only come about by people taking responsibility for and owning the life they are creating. If this was an idea that was taken up seriously it would sound the death knell for religion which is all about attributing the life you have to mysterious forces and would bring in the new world of spirituality which is about being powerful creators in our own right.
I'm not saying that there isn't some all encompassing force of which we are a part; however, what I am saying is that as a part of that force we also have the gift of creation, but as part of a ironical game we are ignorant of this. Then life as a human consists of being sufficiently curious and persistent enough to firstly intuit this and then realize it and finally work on becoming conscious and responsible for what is being created. This insight is one of the reasons why my desire to bring the Landmark technology to children and young people is so strong. To give one child or young person the insight so that they experience that they are creators and to take the responsibility this brings with it is to build an empowering world where those young people when they grow up to be adults are so aware of how they are creating their life and opportunities that it becomes so second nature. In this way it acts like a ripple that goes out to everyone else. This is my dream, to see this happen among our children and young people.
But it is a long road and I have no idea how I am going to create it to happen. It is also another reason why I am not going to pursue a job. I have to be flexible to go where this training is going to place me. As a result I am going to promote my book and give talks in a more serious way than I have done before. In order to do this I am going to set up my own business based on my book and specialising in what I am going to call transformational meditation and spirituality. What I have to do is to put together a plan and reasons why someone should come to a talk and experiential evening with me than with someone else. I have to identify what it is that I have that puts me apart from the rest..... So if you thought that this blog was going to turn into something boring and predictable such as life in an office then it's not gonna be that... It's going to be about what happens when the backdoor of a safe job and prospect is no longer there...will I fly or fall......watch this space....
This creates a dilemma for me in that I don't feel having completed this course that I am cut out to be a journalist. This is a shock and not what I expected but I think it proves that being a writer and being a journalist are different things. Being competent at one does not give automatically, the qualities needed to be the other. But I will try my hand at pitching some ideas as a freelance journalist. I have the comfort of having had two of my articles published in a health and well-being magazine and I will continue with ideas for that but the main idea I had about looking for a staff job on a magazine is not something I am going to pursue.
I have understood so clearly this weekend that the only life there is, is what we create. There is nothing imposed on us, just what we create. Regular readers of this blog will know how I have struggled with things of the computer. On Friday I had my design and sub-editing exam and I was dreading it. The design package was one I always had trouble with and I thought that this with the stress of the exam would make the experience a nightmare. I called a friend just before the exam and she asked me to list out what my concerns were around the exam, I rattled off that I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do what I had to on the computer, that I would delete stuff and not be able to get it back, that I would panic and throw the whole lot to hell. She listened patiently to my rant and then said, OK they are your concerns, what possibility are you going to create. Suddenly and from nowhere I had a strong intuitive thought and I said 'I am creating the possibility that me and the computer are friends and we are there to help each other and I'm going to have fun with this exam'.
A few minutes later I was in the exam room and we were told to turn on the computers and log-on. Horror of horrors when I typed in my password and saw those dreaded red letters 'incorrect log-in'..Whaaat... incorrect login, that's been my log in since the beginning of the course. My mind raced with options for what to do and I was amazed at how calm I was about it. I looked again at my screen and saw that there was a number there for technical support. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was 1pm - this is lunch-time for most office people but I created that someone was going to be there and I was going to get this sorted. With gritted determination I called the number and couldn't believe it when there was a human voice at the other end. Very intentional I explained that an exam was going to uploaded to my account and I couldn't log in and I needed it to be sorted immediately. She looked up the account and said the embarrassing words 'your account has expired because you didn't change your password'......duh....I dimly remember seeing something about having five more logins but thought 'that's going to be plenty'.....obviously not..... Anyway, five mins later and all is sorted with so much freedom and ease.
I pick up the exam from where it has been uploaded and set up the screens that I want and then something absolutely amazing happens, the computer starts doing everything that I ask it to. I find ways of looking at things and moving between things that in the past caused me no end of worry and stress when I couldn't get them back again. This time, there was none of that. From this I really understand that I created it like this, the same as all the times in the past when I created that the design class would be stressful. I created it and so it was. The difference is that this time I was conscious of what I was creating, all the other times I wasn't. I have often heard the words 'we are masters of our own destiny' and even the Landmark training which is solely about how we create our lives and then learning the tools by which to create powerfully and consciously but I never really understood it. I still thought that I was at the mercy of some benevolent force. The experience with this design exam has shown me that there is nothing but me and what I create, the same as there is nothing but you and what you create. A better more sustainable world can only come about by people taking responsibility for and owning the life they are creating. If this was an idea that was taken up seriously it would sound the death knell for religion which is all about attributing the life you have to mysterious forces and would bring in the new world of spirituality which is about being powerful creators in our own right.
I'm not saying that there isn't some all encompassing force of which we are a part; however, what I am saying is that as a part of that force we also have the gift of creation, but as part of a ironical game we are ignorant of this. Then life as a human consists of being sufficiently curious and persistent enough to firstly intuit this and then realize it and finally work on becoming conscious and responsible for what is being created. This insight is one of the reasons why my desire to bring the Landmark technology to children and young people is so strong. To give one child or young person the insight so that they experience that they are creators and to take the responsibility this brings with it is to build an empowering world where those young people when they grow up to be adults are so aware of how they are creating their life and opportunities that it becomes so second nature. In this way it acts like a ripple that goes out to everyone else. This is my dream, to see this happen among our children and young people.
But it is a long road and I have no idea how I am going to create it to happen. It is also another reason why I am not going to pursue a job. I have to be flexible to go where this training is going to place me. As a result I am going to promote my book and give talks in a more serious way than I have done before. In order to do this I am going to set up my own business based on my book and specialising in what I am going to call transformational meditation and spirituality. What I have to do is to put together a plan and reasons why someone should come to a talk and experiential evening with me than with someone else. I have to identify what it is that I have that puts me apart from the rest..... So if you thought that this blog was going to turn into something boring and predictable such as life in an office then it's not gonna be that... It's going to be about what happens when the backdoor of a safe job and prospect is no longer there...will I fly or fall......watch this space....
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Am so...feeling the pressure
On Thursday I had my first shorthand exam. I had been doing the speed tests and was pretty confident. Since finishing my year of Team I have been so focussed. I arrived into the college early and went up to the room where we were to have the exam. There's no other way to put this but I freaked when I saw the tables and chairs lined out in exam fashion. I suddenly realised that it has been almost 20 years since I sat an exam and this awful feeling of impending dread and doom hit me like a rocket. All the optimism and hope that I woke up with that morning evaporated and was replaced by unmitigated terror which showed itself by sudden nausea and stomach cramps. One by one the others arrived for the exam and chose their desks.
At 9am the shorthand lecturer showed up with the NCTJ invigilator who would make sure that there was no cheating going on. We began with an hour of warm up practice at speeds of 100 words per minute. I knew from the number of words I was unable to remember never mind to write down that the result of this exam was going to be a forgone conclusion. However much drilling and practice I had done it was nowhere near enough to get this exam. Dammit, it wasn't too long ago that I finally got the main principle of shorthand how on earth was I going to go from this to being fluent enough in shorthand to glide across the page. Glide....mine was more like a series of stop/starts with more stops than starts. We had a break for coffee before the real exam began and sitting there my only thought was how am I going to get through this next couple of hours. The dictation speeds were from 100 down to 60. It was really important to me to get 60 words a minute because it was the only chance I had. The next two chances are for 80 words and above. My biggest worry is that I would have a shake in my hand which tends to happen when I get really nervous.
We started the first exam which was 100 words a minute and I started to take it down. It wasn't long before I was totally and utterly lost. But listening to the passage I realised how easy the words were. I could do all the words what I didn't have was the speed. It was the same with 90. Then came the 80 and I started off very well. Mid-way through I had the thought 'this isn't too bad'....aagh...with this I lost it so that was the end of the 80. I realised that in all my years I have never put myself into a pressurised environment like this. I don't perform well in such environments. I lose focus and concentration. After this I tried the 70 and finally the 60. After this I had pretty much lost the will to live. Then we had to tell the invigilator what speeds we were going to transcribe. I was green with envy when I heard a couple of my colleagues say there were doing the 100 words a minute. This is what I had declared that I wanted to achieve by the end of this course but it wasn't happening that day. When it came to me I declared 80 but deep down I knew that I hadn't a chance but I wanted to look good as most of the people there had said either 80 or 100. Completely inauthentic of me giving all of my training and the moment I declared it I was disgusted with myself.
This self denigration permeated throughout me trying to transcribe the passage at 80 words a minute. At one point I felt tears of frustration well up from behind my eyes at the utter futility of it all. I finally gave it up and when was asked to hand it in declined and asked to do the 60 words a minute piece. I got renewed confidence when I saw that I could actually read this piece much better than I thought and set to transcribing it with an energy and enthusiasm which was new for that morning. Then I had a thought that I would run out of time and rushed it. I printed it off and with a flourish handed it to the invigilator and left. Downstairs I compared my transcript with another who had also done 60 and to my utter dispair saw where I had left out a complete sentence...aagh...how could this have happened. I knew at that moment that getting the 60 was now out of the question. I looked at the joy on the others faces who had done the 100 and 80 and were confident of having passed and I was gripped with the strongest jealousy. But I immediately recognised this as my identity that was showing me that even though I think I am so highly trained in terms of transforming the identity that it is always there.
Instead of being downhearted about this I welcome it because everytime I can be with these kinds of feelings, jealousy, envy at what another has without reacting then it gets weaker. If it doesn't show itself and is not recognised, how can it transform? I was grateful to this feeling because it showed me that I have still such a long way to go in spite of all the training I have done. The lesson and the learning in events like this is not in the event itself but in what it is saying about me and my reaction to things. It was nothing at all to do with the event, the event is just the springboard from which the lesson emerges. Nothing can get transformed if it remains hidden, operating at the level of the sub-conscious. Transformation and ultimately freedom comes when that which is hidden is revealed. As I write this I have just had the thought of the proverb 'know the truth and the truth will set you free'. What is the truth? For me it is nothing else than knowing the machinery which runs me and in that knowing I can be free of it. To know others is to be intelligent but to know myself is to be enlightened.
In the midst of studying for these exams (which by the way I have another shot at the 80 on Friday and so this weekend has been spent burried with my headphones and shorthand notebook. I will let you know the result next weekend) I have also been thinking about the depth of anger around MPs expenses. In the scheme of things when you look at how much money the banking sector has sqandered it's really peanuts. A couple of evenings ago I heard Stephen Fry say something which I am going to repeat and not plagiarise. He was speaking about the depth of anger and he said that when people were told that it was going to be taxpayers money that was going to bail out the banks there wasn't too much of a reaction because the sums involved were too huge. But take for example an expenses bill to do something with a moat (I don't know the exact detail and I haven't time to be a proper journalist and look it up), where people went to with that was 'I could have used that money to benefit my family'. It is the useability of the sums mentioned that is fuelling the anger. The sums mentioned are all sums which every tax payer could have used for his/her own purposes. The 74 million of tax-payers money by virtue of how big doesn't have the same effect.
We live, as the Chinese say in interesting times. First we had the meltdown of the financial sector and now the possible meltdown of consitutional democracy. It is so important to keep one's nerve in the face of this, and also in the face of the mounting number of swine flu cases. Old wine cannot be put into new bottles. The anger that is coming out in many people has to come out in order to make space for something new and in this is to be welcomed. What there is for people to do is to recognise the anger and take responsibility for it without acting on it. To act and join extremist parties would be to completely defeat the purpose of the process that is going on. The lesson here is to recognise the anger, accept that it is there, don't project it out to anyone or anything and see it as the next stage in the evolution of human consciousness.
I am much freer writing now and expressing my views because we had a speaker who came to speak to us about being sued and she said that 'men of straw' don't usually get sued, it is bigger fish. Because of my inability to grasp anything than what is unambiguous (augurs well for journalism that relies on journalists being able to read into a nod and a wink!) I looked completely baffled until she said 'people who have no money' and I immediately felt this wave of relief because I don't have a bean if I was to be sued, so for me at this moment in time being brassic is no bad thing!
Until the next thrilling installment next week I will sign off by stating again the importance of observing and staying calm and steady...
At 9am the shorthand lecturer showed up with the NCTJ invigilator who would make sure that there was no cheating going on. We began with an hour of warm up practice at speeds of 100 words per minute. I knew from the number of words I was unable to remember never mind to write down that the result of this exam was going to be a forgone conclusion. However much drilling and practice I had done it was nowhere near enough to get this exam. Dammit, it wasn't too long ago that I finally got the main principle of shorthand how on earth was I going to go from this to being fluent enough in shorthand to glide across the page. Glide....mine was more like a series of stop/starts with more stops than starts. We had a break for coffee before the real exam began and sitting there my only thought was how am I going to get through this next couple of hours. The dictation speeds were from 100 down to 60. It was really important to me to get 60 words a minute because it was the only chance I had. The next two chances are for 80 words and above. My biggest worry is that I would have a shake in my hand which tends to happen when I get really nervous.
We started the first exam which was 100 words a minute and I started to take it down. It wasn't long before I was totally and utterly lost. But listening to the passage I realised how easy the words were. I could do all the words what I didn't have was the speed. It was the same with 90. Then came the 80 and I started off very well. Mid-way through I had the thought 'this isn't too bad'....aagh...with this I lost it so that was the end of the 80. I realised that in all my years I have never put myself into a pressurised environment like this. I don't perform well in such environments. I lose focus and concentration. After this I tried the 70 and finally the 60. After this I had pretty much lost the will to live. Then we had to tell the invigilator what speeds we were going to transcribe. I was green with envy when I heard a couple of my colleagues say there were doing the 100 words a minute. This is what I had declared that I wanted to achieve by the end of this course but it wasn't happening that day. When it came to me I declared 80 but deep down I knew that I hadn't a chance but I wanted to look good as most of the people there had said either 80 or 100. Completely inauthentic of me giving all of my training and the moment I declared it I was disgusted with myself.
This self denigration permeated throughout me trying to transcribe the passage at 80 words a minute. At one point I felt tears of frustration well up from behind my eyes at the utter futility of it all. I finally gave it up and when was asked to hand it in declined and asked to do the 60 words a minute piece. I got renewed confidence when I saw that I could actually read this piece much better than I thought and set to transcribing it with an energy and enthusiasm which was new for that morning. Then I had a thought that I would run out of time and rushed it. I printed it off and with a flourish handed it to the invigilator and left. Downstairs I compared my transcript with another who had also done 60 and to my utter dispair saw where I had left out a complete sentence...aagh...how could this have happened. I knew at that moment that getting the 60 was now out of the question. I looked at the joy on the others faces who had done the 100 and 80 and were confident of having passed and I was gripped with the strongest jealousy. But I immediately recognised this as my identity that was showing me that even though I think I am so highly trained in terms of transforming the identity that it is always there.
Instead of being downhearted about this I welcome it because everytime I can be with these kinds of feelings, jealousy, envy at what another has without reacting then it gets weaker. If it doesn't show itself and is not recognised, how can it transform? I was grateful to this feeling because it showed me that I have still such a long way to go in spite of all the training I have done. The lesson and the learning in events like this is not in the event itself but in what it is saying about me and my reaction to things. It was nothing at all to do with the event, the event is just the springboard from which the lesson emerges. Nothing can get transformed if it remains hidden, operating at the level of the sub-conscious. Transformation and ultimately freedom comes when that which is hidden is revealed. As I write this I have just had the thought of the proverb 'know the truth and the truth will set you free'. What is the truth? For me it is nothing else than knowing the machinery which runs me and in that knowing I can be free of it. To know others is to be intelligent but to know myself is to be enlightened.
In the midst of studying for these exams (which by the way I have another shot at the 80 on Friday and so this weekend has been spent burried with my headphones and shorthand notebook. I will let you know the result next weekend) I have also been thinking about the depth of anger around MPs expenses. In the scheme of things when you look at how much money the banking sector has sqandered it's really peanuts. A couple of evenings ago I heard Stephen Fry say something which I am going to repeat and not plagiarise. He was speaking about the depth of anger and he said that when people were told that it was going to be taxpayers money that was going to bail out the banks there wasn't too much of a reaction because the sums involved were too huge. But take for example an expenses bill to do something with a moat (I don't know the exact detail and I haven't time to be a proper journalist and look it up), where people went to with that was 'I could have used that money to benefit my family'. It is the useability of the sums mentioned that is fuelling the anger. The sums mentioned are all sums which every tax payer could have used for his/her own purposes. The 74 million of tax-payers money by virtue of how big doesn't have the same effect.
We live, as the Chinese say in interesting times. First we had the meltdown of the financial sector and now the possible meltdown of consitutional democracy. It is so important to keep one's nerve in the face of this, and also in the face of the mounting number of swine flu cases. Old wine cannot be put into new bottles. The anger that is coming out in many people has to come out in order to make space for something new and in this is to be welcomed. What there is for people to do is to recognise the anger and take responsibility for it without acting on it. To act and join extremist parties would be to completely defeat the purpose of the process that is going on. The lesson here is to recognise the anger, accept that it is there, don't project it out to anyone or anything and see it as the next stage in the evolution of human consciousness.
I am much freer writing now and expressing my views because we had a speaker who came to speak to us about being sued and she said that 'men of straw' don't usually get sued, it is bigger fish. Because of my inability to grasp anything than what is unambiguous (augurs well for journalism that relies on journalists being able to read into a nod and a wink!) I looked completely baffled until she said 'people who have no money' and I immediately felt this wave of relief because I don't have a bean if I was to be sued, so for me at this moment in time being brassic is no bad thing!
Until the next thrilling installment next week I will sign off by stating again the importance of observing and staying calm and steady...
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