I haven't been my word around writing my blog and I could hide behind all the work I am doing for this college course but that would be a lie. The truth is that I could have written if I hadn't chosen to eat instead of write. Everytime it is the same and I make the same disempowering choice. I arrive in London and know that I have limited time before starting whatever it is I am up in London to do. I have a moment of truth where the thought 'food, or blog' comes into my head and I'm ashamed to say that most of the time I opt for food. The cost of this is that no blog gets written and the longer it goes on the harder it is for me to come back and write it again.
And yet it should have been easy to write it on Friday evening because I was on a high. Early in the morning we had our news writing class. The class had begun with the tutor singling out a couple of peoples' work as being what we should all aspire to. I am finding some of the people on the course quite a challenge. However, I know that I wouldn't see these challenging traits in these people if they weren't also in me. This is the way it goes. We can only recognise something in another because we also have it but don't want to look at it, therefore we project it to others. So I am recognising this challenge and am working on it. It was the work of one of the people that challenge me that was singled out as being 'very good'. I could almost feel the bile of jealousy welling up from the back of my throat. This is just horrifying for me who has spent many years thinking I am the next St Teresa. Nice spiritual people don't have these awful feelings they are ascended and transcended and I plainly am not. But I recognise this and am not cocooning myself in some spiritual bubble because of a few powerful experiences I have had. I am far from enlightened but am 100% committed to achieving that state of mind which I firmly believe is possible if I want it badly enough and am willing to do everything that it's going to take to get it.
I recognised the feeling of jealousy and acknowledged it like I was a witness, I know that it comes from me but it is not me. To acknowledge something and allow it to be is to transform it. I feel so grateful that I have enough self-awareness to see all of this dynamic and not react. For me, it is like weeding a garden. Each time I recognise a thought or feeling which doesn't empower me given who I say I am and I give it up, then that weed is gone out of the garden. It will come back because weeds always do which is why there is such a need for continuous vigilance on the spiritual path.
Anyway, I got over that and the tutor moved on to speaking generally about news writing and how to be an effective news writer. He said that news writing is much easier when the person can write. He then looked at me and in front of everyone said 'Margaret, you're a good writer, I really like the way you write'. I was stunned and couldn't believe what I had just heard. I've had it for a lot of this course that being a good journalist is different to being a good writer and now I was told that his perception of me being a good writer will make it easier for me to learn how to write news pieces more effectively. I was on such a high. Everything and everyone in the room looked different, brighter, sharper. I had a fleeting memory of the years I spent working listening to others being told they were good at their job and wistfully wondering whether I would ever be given such an accolade and there it was 'I am a good writer'. Yippee..di.do day....
I went to my team meeting and then to stay with my best friend in London who I have known since childhood. It is funny when you go and stay in the home of someone you have known for many years but the longest time you've ever spent with them has been the length of going for a drink or a meal. To actually stay and be a part of a home for a weekend was a truly delightful experience. His warmth and kindness in the face of not being well moved me so deeply. I saw the beauty of what he has created in his home and his commitment to me as a lifelong childhood friend. People for me fall into one of two categories, those that move me and those that teach me, this friend does both and I feel so lucky to have such a long lasting and rewarding relationship with him. I want to acknowlege that before moving on....
Today was the start of another week and we were all instructed to prepare a 10 minute presentation on a magazine. It will form part of the assessed work for the course. I don't know where the time went last week or more honestly what I did with the time but last night come 11pm I didn't have a presentation. This morning at 7am, I did.....well not so much a presentation as a collection of A4 sheets with some bullet points. I transferred all onto a USB stick having fought with powerpoint and the internet to get the necessary information and trundled into college. I didn't want to speak to anyone because I had a sinking feeling that there was going to be some powerful presentations and mine wasn't going to be one. My excuse or reason is that I have never used powerpoint and given my natural intuitive grasp of all things computer I had it that I just didn't have the time.
The first presentation started...aagh...what kind of things was this person able to do with the computer, it was amazing so professional and well thought out and researched. And so the agony continued, as one by one the works of art were presented. With every presentation my heart sank deeper into my shoes. Suddenly to my amazement I found my feet taking themselves out of the room a few minutes before I was due to present my creation. I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. By leaving I think I hoped that the lecturer would move onto the next person on the list and then I would be at the end where I wouldn't have to sit for too long enduring humiliation. To my horror I walked back into a room where everyone was waiting in silence FOR ME!....aagh..this is my worst nightmare. I fumbled around trying to find the hole for the USB stick....doesn't get much more basic than that. Some poor soul took pity on me and came to my rescue when blind panic meant I was in danger of losing my vision of USB stick, computer, room and everything.
I did it and got through it. I have no idea how because I sat down and had no memory of anything. Waking down the stairs afterwards I was so touched when one of the guys told me that he had got more from mine because it was so short than some. I looked at him with so much gratitude. Even if it wasn't true, it was good to hear....balm to my turbulent mind......
Monday, 30 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
This course.....is beginning to bite....
I haven't written this blog because the course is becoming so intense now. I find that the days and nights go so quickly and there is so much to do just to keep my head above water. On Tuesday I worked in an office on a culture website and I really enjoyed it. I would really love to get a job as a staff writer in a magazine but I'm under no illusions that this is going to be easy. To be a successful freelancer one needs to have amazing discipline and I don't at the moment. I still have the interview that I did with the monk to transcribe and I have been putting off going into town to speak to people about what meditation means to people. This will make the article more real but I have been procrastinating about it. And yet, when I get down to it and begin writing I just love it and I know that I made the right move to change my career.
Since getting the insight into my point of view I have been so much more relaxed at college. I am putting together a team game with some people to plan a celebration for when we finish the exams at the beginning of July. Before I got this insight I wouldn't really approach the team members because underneath my awareness I had this story called 'I'm not included (a part of), I'm alone'. Paradoxically acknowledging and accepting that this is what is there but was hidden from my view is what has freed me to be relaxed happy and approachable with my team members. I was much more assertive yesterday to the point that a couple of team members got annoyed with my intensity but this had absolutely no effect on me and I was able to laugh it off and have fun. This is just unheard of for me.
I understand now that it is also this point of view that made me feel uncomfortable in most social circumstances. Now, I walk into any circumstance and I am totally comfortable. I'm really looking forward to my evening of Vortex healing. I think that it is the energetic shift that brought about the mental shift. I knew that something was happening because of how tired I was after the first session. Tiredness for me is always a sign of an inner turmoil or conflict. Tiredness is the inner battle of the identity wanting to hide and the possibility wanting to expose and it plays itself out within the human frame.
After the healing last week I wasn't in the least bit tired and I was also fine when I woke up on Friday morning so I am looking forward to this evening...but....before that, I have to get through 2 hours of shorthand which is getting very complicated now and there is no way that I can get away without doing my hour each night. I noticed that a couple of evenings that I didn't do it, I have really suffered when it comes to later chapters. Then I have 5 hours of design which I am struggling with because it is a computer package that relies on logic to progress. So by the time 6pm comes this evening I will be well ready for the Vortex healing.....
Since getting the insight into my point of view I have been so much more relaxed at college. I am putting together a team game with some people to plan a celebration for when we finish the exams at the beginning of July. Before I got this insight I wouldn't really approach the team members because underneath my awareness I had this story called 'I'm not included (a part of), I'm alone'. Paradoxically acknowledging and accepting that this is what is there but was hidden from my view is what has freed me to be relaxed happy and approachable with my team members. I was much more assertive yesterday to the point that a couple of team members got annoyed with my intensity but this had absolutely no effect on me and I was able to laugh it off and have fun. This is just unheard of for me.
I understand now that it is also this point of view that made me feel uncomfortable in most social circumstances. Now, I walk into any circumstance and I am totally comfortable. I'm really looking forward to my evening of Vortex healing. I think that it is the energetic shift that brought about the mental shift. I knew that something was happening because of how tired I was after the first session. Tiredness for me is always a sign of an inner turmoil or conflict. Tiredness is the inner battle of the identity wanting to hide and the possibility wanting to expose and it plays itself out within the human frame.
After the healing last week I wasn't in the least bit tired and I was also fine when I woke up on Friday morning so I am looking forward to this evening...but....before that, I have to get through 2 hours of shorthand which is getting very complicated now and there is no way that I can get away without doing my hour each night. I noticed that a couple of evenings that I didn't do it, I have really suffered when it comes to later chapters. Then I have 5 hours of design which I am struggling with because it is a computer package that relies on logic to progress. So by the time 6pm comes this evening I will be well ready for the Vortex healing.....
Monday, 23 March 2009
College was no different today.....I was..
I woke up this morning feeling so relaxed and happy. Got myself showered and dressed and ready for college. I have such deep relief that it's hard to write and yet I'm not entirely sure what I am so relieved about. I arrived into college and saw it like it was for the first time. I felt so connected to everything and everyone. Our first class was shorthand and I chatted away to the shorthand lecturer and it was just so great. I saw everyone differently. I wasn't viewing everyone and everything from the point of view of 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and what a difference that made. College was the same, the people on my course are just the same but my context has shifted and this has brought about a different world and reality for me.
At lunch one girl commented on how happy I looked and then I ended up sharing everything that I had seen from Saturday. I noticed how passionate without sounding heavy and intense I was and for the first time I realised the power of passion without zealousness. There was so much passion in me when I was speaking but nothing evangelical. Yet, given the power of my insight I think I'm pretty good not to be evangelical. I spoke to my mum about it later on and she could see exactly what I was talking about and told me how difficult it was to be around me when I was a growing up that no matter what anyone did to try to include me in things I never seemed to be happy. This created an uncomfortable atmosphere in the family. Just one instance where I said to myselfl 'I'm not a part, I'm alone' and that created the framework and context for the way I lived my life. It's unbelievable that one thing we decide about something can have such power, but it does, until it is undistinguished. But the identity does not give up its secrets easily. There's much darkness before the light, much soul searching, much confusion and bewilderment. But if we stay with a commitment to transform it then sooner or later it will happen. I firmly believe this. What I am not so sure on is how long it is going to take. It could be one lifetime or many lifetimes. The most important thing is to begin the process now.
What is amazing to me is that everyone of us by virtue of being human have formed a point of view about ourselves. It is what gives us our individuality. Without the structure of identity with its point of view, ego and opinions we would all be the same. We would all be just essence, we would be nothing and yet everything. The moment the wholeness of consciousness was broken when the point of view formed is the moment we knew separation. From that moment on there is what appears to separation and from separation comes suffering. The whole of the journey from human to spiritual is rediscovering the wholeness that never really separated, the point of view makes us think that we are separate...to play the game between the self and not-self....
At lunch one girl commented on how happy I looked and then I ended up sharing everything that I had seen from Saturday. I noticed how passionate without sounding heavy and intense I was and for the first time I realised the power of passion without zealousness. There was so much passion in me when I was speaking but nothing evangelical. Yet, given the power of my insight I think I'm pretty good not to be evangelical. I spoke to my mum about it later on and she could see exactly what I was talking about and told me how difficult it was to be around me when I was a growing up that no matter what anyone did to try to include me in things I never seemed to be happy. This created an uncomfortable atmosphere in the family. Just one instance where I said to myselfl 'I'm not a part, I'm alone' and that created the framework and context for the way I lived my life. It's unbelievable that one thing we decide about something can have such power, but it does, until it is undistinguished. But the identity does not give up its secrets easily. There's much darkness before the light, much soul searching, much confusion and bewilderment. But if we stay with a commitment to transform it then sooner or later it will happen. I firmly believe this. What I am not so sure on is how long it is going to take. It could be one lifetime or many lifetimes. The most important thing is to begin the process now.
What is amazing to me is that everyone of us by virtue of being human have formed a point of view about ourselves. It is what gives us our individuality. Without the structure of identity with its point of view, ego and opinions we would all be the same. We would all be just essence, we would be nothing and yet everything. The moment the wholeness of consciousness was broken when the point of view formed is the moment we knew separation. From that moment on there is what appears to separation and from separation comes suffering. The whole of the journey from human to spiritual is rediscovering the wholeness that never really separated, the point of view makes us think that we are separate...to play the game between the self and not-self....
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Very unsettled....since my insight on Saturday
I've been reeling since Saturday. Sometimes I get so tired of this continuous battle between my identity and possibility. The identity goes to unblievable lengths not to transform. I can't believe that I have gone almost 2 years trying to work with an incorrect point of view. All of the frustration I have felt when I've been stopped and my coach has asked me to re-present my point of view and I felt nothing when I did. I didn't feel anything because it wasn't the point of view I had sentenced myself to when I was a young child. The purpose of getting in touch with the point of view when I was being stopped is because it is only our point of view that stops us from being powerful in every area of life. My identity knew it was safe while I had my point of view being 'I'm not loved, I'm alone' because it wasn't the one. On Saturday I got what was really going on and really I should have been able to spot it myself by the efforts I have always made to belong wherever I went. I turned myself into a chameleon in order to belong and sink into the background of acceptance and it never happened. I denied my power to myself and others and yet I knew my own power and I'm sure that others see it also. It was so inauthentic not to be this power and to sell out on it to be included, when I was never going to be included anyway.
I saw myself in the interview I did with the monk, in that although he tried to put himself down and disparage himself I could see just how powerful he was. I have been behaving in exactly the same way and only because I have wanted to be included. To finally see this means that I can be proud of my power and present myself as powerful without thinking that it's going to stop me from being included. I created all of the experiences I have of being excluded, or more specifically my point of view created this for its own survival. I had a concrete example of this on Saturday. Early Saturday morning I sent a text to my coach with a request. I didn't hear anything back from her. When I met her later that morning, I believed that she was different towards me, she seemed to be more impatient and I immediately thought 'she wants to say 'no' and doesn't know how to tell me. We were talking and then she said 'I left my mobile phone at home and I've been here in the office all morning'. I couldn't believe it, l looked at her open-mouthed. I created that she was different towards me and it was because of the text and she hadn't even seen it. I shared this with her and she laughed and said 'see what your identity does and when it does that, you lose your power and make all kinds of assumptions that are not true. It was a tough lesson. Tough lessons seem to be what is around at the moment.
Even though I've had this huge insight I've been really unsettled. The Vortex healing has stirred such a lot of things. I never used to feel jealous of anyone and yet there is someone in college I feel so jealous of. This person is bringing me face to face with feelings that I thought I was too spiritual to have...yeah right....sometimes I really wonder about my self-declaration that this is a blog about spiritual development. This is just my assertion, a finger didn't come down from the clouds point at me and say 'it's you'. It's something I decided, on the strength of a powerful experience I had on a meditation retreat which shifted my understanding of spiritual writings and readings and also convinced me of the truth of spiritual development and that it comprises of 3 stages - Know thyself, know THE SELF and know THE ONE. This blog is mainly about the first stage and the tension and battle that the identity engages in not to transform. I have flashes of stages 2 and 3 but in all honesty most of my consciousness is taking up with trying to achieve stage 1. Just having a will to complete stage 1 is not enough, action is needed. Mostly actions that put ourselves at risk and have no element of looking good. If I was writing this blog to look good and not to be authentic I wouldn't be true to what I have said is its purpose. But oftentimes it's not easy to write because I want to write that I have all the answers, that I have got at everything that is hidden from my view but I can't so I don't but it doesn't make it any easier to write. Again....it comes down to a mind of faith......that can't be approved or disproved to anyone.
I went for a walk on the beach, I can't run because I have blisters on my feet but the walk was so beautiful. Once again there was a brilliant sunset which reflected mystically on the sea. As I was walking I remembered the words of the monk that with a mind of faith or a spiritual mind....the ordinary becomes extraordinary and magical.......
I saw myself in the interview I did with the monk, in that although he tried to put himself down and disparage himself I could see just how powerful he was. I have been behaving in exactly the same way and only because I have wanted to be included. To finally see this means that I can be proud of my power and present myself as powerful without thinking that it's going to stop me from being included. I created all of the experiences I have of being excluded, or more specifically my point of view created this for its own survival. I had a concrete example of this on Saturday. Early Saturday morning I sent a text to my coach with a request. I didn't hear anything back from her. When I met her later that morning, I believed that she was different towards me, she seemed to be more impatient and I immediately thought 'she wants to say 'no' and doesn't know how to tell me. We were talking and then she said 'I left my mobile phone at home and I've been here in the office all morning'. I couldn't believe it, l looked at her open-mouthed. I created that she was different towards me and it was because of the text and she hadn't even seen it. I shared this with her and she laughed and said 'see what your identity does and when it does that, you lose your power and make all kinds of assumptions that are not true. It was a tough lesson. Tough lessons seem to be what is around at the moment.
Even though I've had this huge insight I've been really unsettled. The Vortex healing has stirred such a lot of things. I never used to feel jealous of anyone and yet there is someone in college I feel so jealous of. This person is bringing me face to face with feelings that I thought I was too spiritual to have...yeah right....sometimes I really wonder about my self-declaration that this is a blog about spiritual development. This is just my assertion, a finger didn't come down from the clouds point at me and say 'it's you'. It's something I decided, on the strength of a powerful experience I had on a meditation retreat which shifted my understanding of spiritual writings and readings and also convinced me of the truth of spiritual development and that it comprises of 3 stages - Know thyself, know THE SELF and know THE ONE. This blog is mainly about the first stage and the tension and battle that the identity engages in not to transform. I have flashes of stages 2 and 3 but in all honesty most of my consciousness is taking up with trying to achieve stage 1. Just having a will to complete stage 1 is not enough, action is needed. Mostly actions that put ourselves at risk and have no element of looking good. If I was writing this blog to look good and not to be authentic I wouldn't be true to what I have said is its purpose. But oftentimes it's not easy to write because I want to write that I have all the answers, that I have got at everything that is hidden from my view but I can't so I don't but it doesn't make it any easier to write. Again....it comes down to a mind of faith......that can't be approved or disproved to anyone.
I went for a walk on the beach, I can't run because I have blisters on my feet but the walk was so beautiful. Once again there was a brilliant sunset which reflected mystically on the sea. As I was walking I remembered the words of the monk that with a mind of faith or a spiritual mind....the ordinary becomes extraordinary and magical.......
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Transformation.....never ends..
I've just returned from my agreement in London and while I am waiting on the bus to take me home I've come into an internet cafe to write this blog. I won't get very far before I am kicked out but I will make a start. I travelled to London for my agreement and after it I went up to the 1st day of the 1st of the communication courses that I speak so highly about. This is the course where participants get to experience the impact of the model of communication that we are all born into it, a model that is based on fixing and surviving our communication with others and ourselves. Central to this way of communicating is what is called a point of view. This is something we decided about ourselves when we were very young and it then gives us our identity and from there our lives. I thought that mine was 'I'm not loved, I'm alone' but I couldn't understand how it operated in my life. As a result my coach on the team programme I am on was frustrated that I operated on my own all the time and couldn't see why.
I walked into the course at the exact point where the course leader was speaking about the point of view and how it gets formed. I listened intently because I wanted so much to have a breakthrough around this. The course leader spoke about how it is formed by the words we say when we decide who we are and asked participants what they saw in what he was saying. One lady shared something and what she said hit me like a hammer blow and I thought that's it that's my point of view. It's not 'I'm not loved, I'm alone, it's I'm not included, I'm alone'. As this hit me I had a picture of when I was very young and I saw how close my brothers were and I said 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and this has been my experience in every area of my life. Not feeling included. Although at 4 years of age I probably wouldn't have said 'I'm not included'. What I more than likely said to myself was 'I'm not a part, I'm alone'. The power of that decision gave me a life where no matter what I tried to do I always felt that I wasn't a part. Some of that had been coming through this blog. All I have ever wanted to do is to belong and all I ever seem to do is to stand out.
What I see now with perfect clarity is that my point of view has created it to be like that. I'm living with a family and I had it that I'm not included, even though they have made so many efforts to include me. I have it at college that I am not included, but this is the experience my point of view is giving to me. It has to in order to survive, it is not the way it really is. This is just such a huge insight for me and will transform the entire way I am with people and in groups. When this ran me even though I would try to include myself what was running in the background and will always run until it is distinguished is that I was trying to include myself inside a context of 'I'm not included, I'm alone' no wonder all of my efforts were doomed to failure and never brought the result I hoped for, leaving me feeing small separate and alone when surrounded by people.
When I think of the guy from the gym and how my way of being with him is that I'm excluded from his life even though the constant text messages and calls gave me all the evidence that it wasn't this way...I just couldn't see it until today. I've treated everyone and everything like I'm being excluded and it's been horrible for them and for me. Viewing everything that happens through the filter of being excluded and alone has made for a lonely life. But I am so grateful that I have seen it now. I am so lucky in being given the opportunity to give it up and create something new and wonderful., a possibility for me of being connected and included. That point of view is always going to be there, it is like a trap that we create when we are young that becomes who we think we are and it acts like a trap in that we are caught within it and even when it is identified it doesn't go away, the difference is that once it is identified it loses some of its power.
I assert that whatever self- development programme one does, whether it is with Landmark Education or whoever that this is the ultimate aim. Uncovering the game between the non-self and the self, or between identity and possibility. I also believe this to be the aim of all spiritual development.
I came into the house and shared this with the lady here and she gave me a huge hug and said how much they wanted to include me and for the first time I really heard it and knew that it was genuine and now I am upstairs writing this blog. Transformation or seeing the familiar in a new light never changes. I'm not going to say that just because I saw this today that I now have power over this point of view and that it won't operate anymore. It will, because it was put in place for survival and it will morph again into something more subtle that once again will be hidden from my view. I feel so grateful that I was aware of feeling alone and separate from people to an abnormal degree. That it was so acute that I noticed it and this awareness together with my commitment to be willing to look and see no matter what the cost, is what produced the breakthrough. But it takes this. To want to break free and transform the identity just as badly as a drowning man wants air - it demands and takes nothing less than this......
I walked into the course at the exact point where the course leader was speaking about the point of view and how it gets formed. I listened intently because I wanted so much to have a breakthrough around this. The course leader spoke about how it is formed by the words we say when we decide who we are and asked participants what they saw in what he was saying. One lady shared something and what she said hit me like a hammer blow and I thought that's it that's my point of view. It's not 'I'm not loved, I'm alone, it's I'm not included, I'm alone'. As this hit me I had a picture of when I was very young and I saw how close my brothers were and I said 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and this has been my experience in every area of my life. Not feeling included. Although at 4 years of age I probably wouldn't have said 'I'm not included'. What I more than likely said to myself was 'I'm not a part, I'm alone'. The power of that decision gave me a life where no matter what I tried to do I always felt that I wasn't a part. Some of that had been coming through this blog. All I have ever wanted to do is to belong and all I ever seem to do is to stand out.
What I see now with perfect clarity is that my point of view has created it to be like that. I'm living with a family and I had it that I'm not included, even though they have made so many efforts to include me. I have it at college that I am not included, but this is the experience my point of view is giving to me. It has to in order to survive, it is not the way it really is. This is just such a huge insight for me and will transform the entire way I am with people and in groups. When this ran me even though I would try to include myself what was running in the background and will always run until it is distinguished is that I was trying to include myself inside a context of 'I'm not included, I'm alone' no wonder all of my efforts were doomed to failure and never brought the result I hoped for, leaving me feeing small separate and alone when surrounded by people.
When I think of the guy from the gym and how my way of being with him is that I'm excluded from his life even though the constant text messages and calls gave me all the evidence that it wasn't this way...I just couldn't see it until today. I've treated everyone and everything like I'm being excluded and it's been horrible for them and for me. Viewing everything that happens through the filter of being excluded and alone has made for a lonely life. But I am so grateful that I have seen it now. I am so lucky in being given the opportunity to give it up and create something new and wonderful., a possibility for me of being connected and included. That point of view is always going to be there, it is like a trap that we create when we are young that becomes who we think we are and it acts like a trap in that we are caught within it and even when it is identified it doesn't go away, the difference is that once it is identified it loses some of its power.
I assert that whatever self- development programme one does, whether it is with Landmark Education or whoever that this is the ultimate aim. Uncovering the game between the non-self and the self, or between identity and possibility. I also believe this to be the aim of all spiritual development.
I came into the house and shared this with the lady here and she gave me a huge hug and said how much they wanted to include me and for the first time I really heard it and knew that it was genuine and now I am upstairs writing this blog. Transformation or seeing the familiar in a new light never changes. I'm not going to say that just because I saw this today that I now have power over this point of view and that it won't operate anymore. It will, because it was put in place for survival and it will morph again into something more subtle that once again will be hidden from my view. I feel so grateful that I was aware of feeling alone and separate from people to an abnormal degree. That it was so acute that I noticed it and this awareness together with my commitment to be willing to look and see no matter what the cost, is what produced the breakthrough. But it takes this. To want to break free and transform the identity just as badly as a drowning man wants air - it demands and takes nothing less than this......
Friday, 20 March 2009
No....it's not possible...
On Thursday evening I had my 2nd Vortex healing group. I arrived early and was sitting reading a book when the person who is taking the group walked in. She gave me a beaming smile and sat down and earnestly asked me how I was. I explained that I had been incredibly tired and was apprehensive about coming again. She then said that she had been worried about me that I hadn't been grounded and that she was going to make sure that I was more grounded this week. I looked at her with huge gratitude that she should care so much when it's only a 4 week course. She then explained how in the west we spend most of our time in our head and don't connect with the body. This made sense to me but I wanted to be sure so I said to her 'so if I put my focus on my body I won't be as spaced out and tired as I was last week and my body won't do the violent convulsing that it did. She confirmed that this was so and I knew what I had to do. It was in line with the promise I made to myself to absorb myself in the experience and not stand apart from it.
The lady went to get the room ready and after a while I went up. The others arrived and we all lay down. I immediately put all of my intention on my body and I immediately felt a tingling sensation in my arms and legs. I sensed the woman behind me and then felt gentle hands on my head. After a few minutes she left to go to someone else. Then the current of energy started but I kept my consciousness focussed firmly on the body and was able to control it and finally stop it altogether and relax into the experience. I felt a huge difference by keeping my attention on my body. I realized just how little I feel my body and how I have been so much in my head. The next thing I knew my name was being called. I know that I hadn't been sleeping because I was wide awake when she called....so where did I go......
Everyone in the room sat up and we started to talk. One of the guys asked who the photo was that was on the mantelpiece. I had walked in and never seen the photo. I went rigid with shock when she said that the photos were of Mother Meera. This was amazing because some time ago I wrote a blog entry about my visit to Mother Meera and how I couldn't fathom why she had so many devotees when she never gives any teaching, just silent Darshan. I couldn't understand what people got from her. So for me now to be sitting in a room having a done a healing that was overlooked by the picture of Mother Meera was just a bit too much. I could feel the hairs rising on the back of my neck. But I know that it is because I am on this self-declared path that I see these co-incidences or synchronicities. Someone who is not on this path and not looking for signs for next steps wouldn't see anything strange in this. I didn't know this lady was a devotee of Mother Meera before I came. I didn't think Vortex healing had anything to do with Mother Meera. Has Mother Meera got a power that I have underestimated and when I knelt down at her feet to receive Darshan did she see a pair of sceptical eyes looking at her and want to prove something to me.
It reminds me of the story of Ram Dass who when brought to India to meet the Guru of a friend of his refused to bend down and kiss the feet of the Guru. Later that night the Guru spoke to Ram Dass and told him the night before he had come to the Ashram he had been outside looking at the stars and thinking about this mother. Ram Dass joined the Ashram after this, all of his doubts gone by the power of the Guru. This will be my third encounter with Mother Meera. The first time was when I took in a guy who was doing the same course as me and had nowhere to live. On Morning I got up and in one of my dessert bowls were some dried flowers. He declared himself a yogi and spent the entire time he stayed with me without working. I was annoyed to see one of my dessert bowls with these flowers. When I saw him I asked him what it was. He replied 'they are flowers from Mother Meera'. I exploded, Mother Meera, what about getting a job. That's how much I knew or cared about Mother Meera. I can't remember what happened to the dried petals. When the course was over he returned back to his country and I promptly forgot all about him and Mother Meera. I don't know how it happened but I came across a visit the Mother was making to London. I've written all about the lead up to this visit and my feelings, before, during and afterwards. Given all that I wrote there it is most strange that once again I found myself in her presence.
Feeling slightly unnerved and not knowing why I woke up this morning and had the strongest urge to go out for a run under the cliffs and let the sea calm my turbulent mind. After the healing I felt great, not at all tired which I was really grateful for. I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same. I got up quickly put on a tracksuit and began running. I immediately felt much calmer. I reached the sea and I felt the most incrediblel peace and bliss. While I was running I wondered about everything that is happening, or I am creating in my life at present and where it's all going to lead. I returned back to the house because I had no lectures and started to do some shorthand. But I was restless. I remembered what the lady had said about how we might feel after the evening as things were brought to the surface when space becomes available. She said to watch everything without entering into it and that is what I did for most of the day, just watched the turmoil in my mind without engaging with it.
This evening again I had a strong urge to go out to the sea. When I reached the sea the most amazing sunset was just beginning. I have seen some fabulous sunsets when I was in Varanasi, India but the one tonight was just incredible. I stayed for such a long time being still, silent and transfixed. There was nothing else but me and that sunset, nothing else mattered. The power of the connection I had is something that will stay with me for such a long time. I watched it with a heart filled with love and gratitude.....not knowing what is next but completely surrendered to the process...
The lady went to get the room ready and after a while I went up. The others arrived and we all lay down. I immediately put all of my intention on my body and I immediately felt a tingling sensation in my arms and legs. I sensed the woman behind me and then felt gentle hands on my head. After a few minutes she left to go to someone else. Then the current of energy started but I kept my consciousness focussed firmly on the body and was able to control it and finally stop it altogether and relax into the experience. I felt a huge difference by keeping my attention on my body. I realized just how little I feel my body and how I have been so much in my head. The next thing I knew my name was being called. I know that I hadn't been sleeping because I was wide awake when she called....so where did I go......
Everyone in the room sat up and we started to talk. One of the guys asked who the photo was that was on the mantelpiece. I had walked in and never seen the photo. I went rigid with shock when she said that the photos were of Mother Meera. This was amazing because some time ago I wrote a blog entry about my visit to Mother Meera and how I couldn't fathom why she had so many devotees when she never gives any teaching, just silent Darshan. I couldn't understand what people got from her. So for me now to be sitting in a room having a done a healing that was overlooked by the picture of Mother Meera was just a bit too much. I could feel the hairs rising on the back of my neck. But I know that it is because I am on this self-declared path that I see these co-incidences or synchronicities. Someone who is not on this path and not looking for signs for next steps wouldn't see anything strange in this. I didn't know this lady was a devotee of Mother Meera before I came. I didn't think Vortex healing had anything to do with Mother Meera. Has Mother Meera got a power that I have underestimated and when I knelt down at her feet to receive Darshan did she see a pair of sceptical eyes looking at her and want to prove something to me.
It reminds me of the story of Ram Dass who when brought to India to meet the Guru of a friend of his refused to bend down and kiss the feet of the Guru. Later that night the Guru spoke to Ram Dass and told him the night before he had come to the Ashram he had been outside looking at the stars and thinking about this mother. Ram Dass joined the Ashram after this, all of his doubts gone by the power of the Guru. This will be my third encounter with Mother Meera. The first time was when I took in a guy who was doing the same course as me and had nowhere to live. On Morning I got up and in one of my dessert bowls were some dried flowers. He declared himself a yogi and spent the entire time he stayed with me without working. I was annoyed to see one of my dessert bowls with these flowers. When I saw him I asked him what it was. He replied 'they are flowers from Mother Meera'. I exploded, Mother Meera, what about getting a job. That's how much I knew or cared about Mother Meera. I can't remember what happened to the dried petals. When the course was over he returned back to his country and I promptly forgot all about him and Mother Meera. I don't know how it happened but I came across a visit the Mother was making to London. I've written all about the lead up to this visit and my feelings, before, during and afterwards. Given all that I wrote there it is most strange that once again I found myself in her presence.
Feeling slightly unnerved and not knowing why I woke up this morning and had the strongest urge to go out for a run under the cliffs and let the sea calm my turbulent mind. After the healing I felt great, not at all tired which I was really grateful for. I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same. I got up quickly put on a tracksuit and began running. I immediately felt much calmer. I reached the sea and I felt the most incrediblel peace and bliss. While I was running I wondered about everything that is happening, or I am creating in my life at present and where it's all going to lead. I returned back to the house because I had no lectures and started to do some shorthand. But I was restless. I remembered what the lady had said about how we might feel after the evening as things were brought to the surface when space becomes available. She said to watch everything without entering into it and that is what I did for most of the day, just watched the turmoil in my mind without engaging with it.
This evening again I had a strong urge to go out to the sea. When I reached the sea the most amazing sunset was just beginning. I have seen some fabulous sunsets when I was in Varanasi, India but the one tonight was just incredible. I stayed for such a long time being still, silent and transfixed. There was nothing else but me and that sunset, nothing else mattered. The power of the connection I had is something that will stay with me for such a long time. I watched it with a heart filled with love and gratitude.....not knowing what is next but completely surrendered to the process...
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
The spiritual path is a choice.....there is nothing chosen about it...
Today I interviewed a monk who followed the Kadampa Buddhist tradition. Kadampa was developed by Tibetan master called Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and introduced to the west in 1977 - since then he has gone on to establish over 1000 centres worldwide. I knew that I wouldn't get the Master himself for an interview but I thought I would get a senior monk. Instead what presented itself to me for interview was a rather portly unmistakeably English robed monk with the most beaming of smiles. Setting aside my first thought that a western monk can't possibly have eastern insights I started my interview by putting my dictaphone with the new tape and batteries confidently on the table.
As the interview progressed I was struck by just how human he is in terms of trying to cultivate what he calls a virtuous mind as the way to enlightenment. A mind full of love and compassion and when he says this he looks dreamily out of the window and I am present to just how much this inspires him. Then he talks about the all too human side and tells me that yesterday he got angry because he had been out and nobody had kept him any lunch. It's a simple example but it demonstrated to me so powerfully the continuous tension which drives human being. I was struck by the humour and humility of someone I had initially written off.
He spoke about how he became a monk and what struck me with this is that he had known for many years that he was being called but then asked for a sign. That sign came and he followed it. He had a choice and chose the life of a Buddhist monk. He is not long ordained and realises that he has a long way to go. His love for his teacher Kelsang Gyatso is evident as he speaks about the inspiration that he gets from him and how he feels when he is in his presence. From this I understand the power of complete surrender to a higher power. I have been so reluctant to surrender to a teacher in flesh and blood which is why my spiritual path has been lonelier. If I stopped resisting and gave myself up to life in a spiritual Ashram perhaps it wouldn't feel as tough but there is huge resistance on my part to do this.
I wound up the interview after an hour but there was no denying that the monk had moved me. Without any earth shattering energetic experiences he has embarked on this path with nothing more than faith and a burning desire to end the suffering for himself and others - to become enlightened in this lifetime. For this goal, he has given up everything.
I left the centre quite spaced out again. What is it about me in these environments that makes me so tired and kind of spaced out. I came home and my inner voice said 'go for a run' but my legs were sore from my run the day before so I didn't listen to it. Instead I had to take some money out from a cash point machine. Still thinking about the interview and the monk I put my card in the machine keyed in the amount, took my card and promptly walked off without taking the money. A couple of minutes inside the shop and I realised what I had done, I rushed out but of course the money wasn't sitting in the machine waiting for its rightful owner to come and claim it...some other person had conveniently taken it probably not believing their luck. Oh well, all I can hope is that whoever took it needed it more than me. I saw again that when I don't do what my inner voice is urging me to do there is an impact and a cost to me.
Earlier in the day I held my first Team game meeting to discuss an event to celebrate the end of the college course that will also double up as my team game in the world. It was nerve racking as getting a team together is something I have never done before. I was so grateful to everyone for showing up and we have decided on a lower key meal and drinks rather than a complicated difficult to organise gig. Before this meeting I had 2 hours of shorthand and I had the frustration of once again not being able to intuitively guess at outlines that I hadn't practiced before. It doesnt' bode well for the 2nd shorthand test tomorrow.
By the time I reached home after all of this I was so tired. I took out my shorthand book and notebook but suddenly got so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just going to finish this and go to bed. At this moment I couldn't give 2 damms about the shorthand or for that matter any other test tomorrow. Is this darkness completely the result of me not listening to my inner voice and going for a run or is there something else at play. I have the 2nd Vortex healing tomorrow night and to be honest I haven't felt myself since the last one. It's stirred me up physically and mentally. It is interesting that I have paid up for a 4 week course because I think, given the way I am feeling tonight that if it was a pay on the evening course I don't think I would go. I am feeling scared and confronted by something and I don't know what it is......
As the interview progressed I was struck by just how human he is in terms of trying to cultivate what he calls a virtuous mind as the way to enlightenment. A mind full of love and compassion and when he says this he looks dreamily out of the window and I am present to just how much this inspires him. Then he talks about the all too human side and tells me that yesterday he got angry because he had been out and nobody had kept him any lunch. It's a simple example but it demonstrated to me so powerfully the continuous tension which drives human being. I was struck by the humour and humility of someone I had initially written off.
He spoke about how he became a monk and what struck me with this is that he had known for many years that he was being called but then asked for a sign. That sign came and he followed it. He had a choice and chose the life of a Buddhist monk. He is not long ordained and realises that he has a long way to go. His love for his teacher Kelsang Gyatso is evident as he speaks about the inspiration that he gets from him and how he feels when he is in his presence. From this I understand the power of complete surrender to a higher power. I have been so reluctant to surrender to a teacher in flesh and blood which is why my spiritual path has been lonelier. If I stopped resisting and gave myself up to life in a spiritual Ashram perhaps it wouldn't feel as tough but there is huge resistance on my part to do this.
I wound up the interview after an hour but there was no denying that the monk had moved me. Without any earth shattering energetic experiences he has embarked on this path with nothing more than faith and a burning desire to end the suffering for himself and others - to become enlightened in this lifetime. For this goal, he has given up everything.
I left the centre quite spaced out again. What is it about me in these environments that makes me so tired and kind of spaced out. I came home and my inner voice said 'go for a run' but my legs were sore from my run the day before so I didn't listen to it. Instead I had to take some money out from a cash point machine. Still thinking about the interview and the monk I put my card in the machine keyed in the amount, took my card and promptly walked off without taking the money. A couple of minutes inside the shop and I realised what I had done, I rushed out but of course the money wasn't sitting in the machine waiting for its rightful owner to come and claim it...some other person had conveniently taken it probably not believing their luck. Oh well, all I can hope is that whoever took it needed it more than me. I saw again that when I don't do what my inner voice is urging me to do there is an impact and a cost to me.
Earlier in the day I held my first Team game meeting to discuss an event to celebrate the end of the college course that will also double up as my team game in the world. It was nerve racking as getting a team together is something I have never done before. I was so grateful to everyone for showing up and we have decided on a lower key meal and drinks rather than a complicated difficult to organise gig. Before this meeting I had 2 hours of shorthand and I had the frustration of once again not being able to intuitively guess at outlines that I hadn't practiced before. It doesnt' bode well for the 2nd shorthand test tomorrow.
By the time I reached home after all of this I was so tired. I took out my shorthand book and notebook but suddenly got so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just going to finish this and go to bed. At this moment I couldn't give 2 damms about the shorthand or for that matter any other test tomorrow. Is this darkness completely the result of me not listening to my inner voice and going for a run or is there something else at play. I have the 2nd Vortex healing tomorrow night and to be honest I haven't felt myself since the last one. It's stirred me up physically and mentally. It is interesting that I have paid up for a 4 week course because I think, given the way I am feeling tonight that if it was a pay on the evening course I don't think I would go. I am feeling scared and confronted by something and I don't know what it is......
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